The Long And Short Of It

Last night was pretty crazy. And thanks to that night, Anonymous the Unicorn had woken up in a rather unique position. Namely, he was now the meat in a snuggle sandwich. He had his hooves wrapped around Pike, and Cut had her hooves around him.

And honestly? It was beyond comfy. So much so that Anon was seriously reconsidering whether or not he should get up today.

‘Yeah actually... fuck it.’

‘I’m going back to bed!’

Closing his eyes once again, he allowed the fuzzy bodies pressed up against his to whisk him away...

As Anon came to, this time he found himself alone. Leaning up in bed, he stretched his forehooves and took a deep breath.

‘Mmmmmm mmmm, smell that morning air! Smells like waffles and eggs!’

Leaping out of bed, he made his way into his happy home’s kitchen. It appeared that while he was out, Pike went ahead and made breakfast. She and Cut had already started helping themselves, while there was a third plate of waffles and eggs waiting in an empty seat just for him. Placing himself at the table, he noted that Pike was seated directly across from him, while Cut was to his left.

“Good morning, ladies!”

Pike, swallowing a bite of eggs, waved to him. “Mornin’, Anon.”

Meanwhile, Cut stuttered, “Oh! G-good morning, Anon!” around a mouthful of waffle.

He couldn’t help but chuckle and roll his eyes at the poor mare. He’d just spent most of the night with his face mushed between her honkers and she was still nervous! Some things just might be incurable, he supposed.

“How’d the two of you sleep?”

“Amazing!” Cut blurted out. “I-I mean, good, thank you.”

Pike, swallowing another bite of her eggs, leaned against the back of her chair. “Good, as always. Not to shlick myself off, but getting you to finally break your hay hang up was one of the best things I ever did.”

‘Oh yeah, that reminds me!’

Cutting off a forkful of waffle, Anon held off from eating it just long enough to ask a question. “By the way, do you ever get hot? I can’t imagine it’d be comfortable being smushed in my fuzz while also under the covers.”

Surprisingly, Pike looked a little... embarrassed? Shoving the morsel in his mouth, he eagerly awaited her answer.

‘Mmmmm, buttermilk.’

She shuffled in her seat for a moment before speaking. “No, I get cold.”

Anon could only stare at her.

‘Seriously? How? She’s covered head to hoof in extra fuzzy fur!’

“What happened to all that stuff about how ‘Thestrals are the fuzziest race’?”

That question obviously flustered her, she answered with just a touch of venom. “We are!”

Although, that venom faded very quickly, only to be replaced with embarrassment again. “But fuzziest doesn’t necessarily mean the best insulated...”

Cut, having just swallowed a large piece of waffle, spoke up. “In early Equestria, Thestral communities would typically migrate south for the winter. Well, either that or rely on... others to provide body heat.”

Pike sighed, very loudly, in a show of exasperation. “And the other tribes STILL call us vampires for it. Your ancestors give out a few surprise hugs because they’re cold and even their grandfoals aren’t allowed to live it down!”

‘What!? No way, that’s hilarious!’

Anon almost choked on the waffle. “Pffft, hahaha! How come you never told me about this before?”

Pike angrily crossed her forehooves and her face turned a brand new shade of red. “Because its stupid.”

‘Oh I am SO remembering that!’

Anon couldn’t help himself. “Whatever you say... my little vampire.”

Her face visibly scrunched in annoyance, but she wisely held herself back from verbally lashing out. He was okay with that; her scrunch was more than enough to put an early morning smile on his face. Cut got her fair share of amusement out of Pike's reaction as well, as she chuckled into her hoof.

Shooting Pike a cheeky smile for the road, Anon decided to let her off the hook after that, and instead focused on eating his breakfast. Besides, he had something he needed to ask, and he figured it was better to think about what he was going to say before he did. So, after finishing most of his waffle and giving it plenty of consideration, he turned to Cut.

“Hey Cut?”

She glanced up from her meal. “Yeah?”

Peeking around the table, he saw she had once again put on the (presumably) enchanted bra that hid her teats. Having decided on the path of being direct, he pointed at the bra. “What’s with that anyway?”

The question made her flinch. As she did, her eyes seemingly scrunched shut of their own accord, and she hid behind her forehooves. Clearly this was not a topic she enjoyed discussing.

“M-my t-teats?”

Now that gave him pause.

‘Why would she assume I meant her teats themselves and not her bra?’

“No no, the bra. I mean, why go through such an effort to hide your boobs?”

He could see Pike roll her eyes from across the table. “Teats, Anon. TEATS.”

“Right yeah, what Pike said.”

Cut, thankfully, dropped her hooves so he could see her face again, but unfortunately her head lowered and her posture sagged. “B-because they’re ugly.”

‘Uhhhhhh’

‘Hold the FUCK up.’

He’d learned through osmosis that big teats were considered ‘unattractive,’ but those deliciously fat teats!? Straight ugly!? What the fu—

Cut N. Paste understood why Anon was asking these questions, that didn’t mean she really liked answering them. Seeing the truth for herself about Anon’s tastes last night was an amazing experience—but that didn’t make talking about how other stallions didn’t share his sentiments any less painful.

She started clopping her forehooves together as she stared at them, unwilling to meet Anon’s eyes. “I-it’s better if ponies don’t have to see them...”

Cut nearly jumped out of her seat when something slammed on the table. She actually physically hopped out of her chair a little bit. But it also had the side effect of getting her to look up and away from her hooves, and up at Anon.

It appeared the sound was him slamming the hooves on the table.

Strangely his face seemed devoid of emotion, a mask of neutrality to hide whatever he was truly feeling. A sentiment reflected by his unusually monotone voice. “Pike, it's no secret that ponykind does a lot of things better than my own people did. You’re happier, you’re generally more peaceful, et cetera. But this?” He pointed at Cut with his hoof. “THIS!? Ponykind is taking a MASSIVE L on this one.”

Pike looked equally confused and indignant. “Massive wha-? Hey, it's not our fault they look like balls!”

He shook his head like a disapproving parent. “Look like balls? LOOK LIKE BALLS!? Unbelievable. Shameful, even!” Cut could feel her heart beating faster as he talked. “Titties like those are like your flanks, Pike: exceptional. They deserve to be seen and appreciated!”

‘Oh Celestia please don’t say something stupid, PLEASE don’t say something stupid!’

“In fact I’d say—”

“Marry me.”

‘AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

‘WHY DID I SAY THAT!?’

‘WE’VE BEEN DATING FOR ONE NIGHT WHY WOULD I—’

Mwah.

Just like that, Anon brought an abrupt end to her eternal screaming. While she wasn't paying attention he’d crossed the kitchen a-and... k-kissed her on the cheek...

‘My COLTFRIEND just gave me a peck on the cheek!’

‘A PECK on the CHEEK!’

“I think you broke her.” Nocturnal Pike had just witnessed a pony go from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs.

Such a high high in fact, that Anon had been waving a hoof in front of Cut’s face for several seconds, and she hadn't so much as blinked. “You think?”

‘Come on Anon, the poor mare’s probably received more affection from a stallion this past week than she has in her whole life!’

Pike swatted his hoof away from her face and gave him a disappointed look. “Cut her some slack.”

‘Hopefully tha—’

‘...Oh no.’

By the time she realized what she’d just said, Anon had already slid past Cut and was advancing on her with a self-satisfied smile on his face. “So you’re asking me to cut Cut some slack?”

‘...’

‘Luna damn it…’

Pike smiled, despite herself. “You know, jokes that bad are a legal offense. As an officer of the crown I could run you in for that.”

He suddenly leaned back, holding a hoof to his head in a dramatic pose. “You wouldn’t! I can’t go back to prison!”

Before she could reply, something about that statement apparently brought Cut back to reality. “Anon, you’ve been to prison?” she exclaimed, probably more alarmed than she needed to be.

He completely ignored the question as he spun back around to face her. “Welcome back to the land of the living!”

Cut blushed. “I-It wasn’t that! I-I was just thinking really hard!”

“Oh yeah?” he said, as he quirked an eyebrow. “Thinking about what, how hard you just got kissed?”

“...M-maybe.”

The three of them shared a laugh as Anon returned to his seat, the three of them having quieted down by the time he was seated. “Well, Cut, just to give my final thoughts on the matter: those tasteless cretins might think you’re ugly, but I think you look great.”

Pike could visibly see how that brightened her day up—but surprisingly, Cut leaned in towards her. “Psst, Pike, what should I say back?” she whispered.

Leaning in in turn, the bat whispered back. “Just, you know, compliment him back! What, have you—” She was about to ask, “what, have you never been complimented by a stallion before,” but she wisely reconsidered at the last moment. “...Nevermind. Just compliment him on something you like about him.”

Cut nodded, and returned to her normal sitting position before addressing Anon. “Th-thank you Anon. And I think... your balls smell really nice.”

The three of them sat in silence for a moment as what Cut said sunk in. The earth pony hadn’t moved a muscle since she said it, but Pike eventually heard a sound from her. Something like the air being slowly let out of a balloon. Slowly, Cut turned to face her, and Pike saw the face of a pony who wanted to die.

“Pike? Did I just...?”

Her answer came in the form of Anon breaking out in sudden, howling laughter. “HAHAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT!” He was practically falling out of his chair as he did—a hoof gripping onto the table was the only thing that kept him upright. Eventually, he got his laughter under control, with a huge smile on his face. “I’m sorry, Pike, but that has got to be the best compliment I’ve ever gotten!”

‘WHAT!? THAT!?’

There was no way Pike could let that show her up—nor was she going to leave her herdsister high and dry!

“I’ll have you know I think your balls smell great too!”

That only made him laugh even harder, to the point where he actually did fall off his chair. Thankfully that was only a couple inches. “Hahahahaaaa oh, oh man ahaha oh God. Gimme, gimme a moment. Hahahaaa...”

Cut, meanwhile, looked like she’d just averted a heart attack. Her hoof was to her chest, while she took deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself down. As she did though, she shot Pike a very grateful look, and the thestral smiled in return.

“Ohohoh, oh God.” Anon seemed to have regained some control of himself, and had returned to his seat. “Oh man, I think my heart skipped a beat or two.”

Pike’s face was almost certainly as snide as her tone of voice. “Because we’re such romantics, no doubt.”

That statement let another round of chuckles wrack his frame. “Hehe, if this is what it's going to be like every day, I don’t think I’ll survive the month.”

Since both Anon and Cut were looking for an opportunity to catch their breath, Pike gave it to them, and the conversation trailed off. Eventually though, it came time to ask the million bit question...

Pike glanced between Cut N. Paste and Anon. “What do you two want to actually do today?”

Anon lazily swiveled his head to look outside. Today’s forecast mentioned ‘heavy snowfall’ but Cut didn’t think any of them expected snowfall like this. The storm was practically blocking out the sun as the winds whipped snow past their view.

“Well, clearly our best bet is something inside.” He turned back to face the earth pony. ”Cut! You’re essentially our guest of honor. What do you want to do?”

‘Oh no!’

She hated being put on the spot to decide things! “Well since it's pretty cold outside. We could uh... we could... uh...”

‘Come on brain, think of something!’

No matter how much she mentally scrambled though, Cut found it no easier to come up with any ideas than she already did when she was alone.

‘Come on think, thiiiiiink, thiiiiiink!’

‘Wait, I’ve got it!’

“We could watch some movies!”

Anon hummed, gesturing towards Pike’s collection. “I dunno. Pike’s collection is a little lame, and the movie rental place is on the other side of town.”

“Not anymore,” Pike chimed in, “A new place opened up a block or two towards the castle. Block Buster’s, I think.”

‘Well that’s a good idea! Good on you, Cut! You actually managed to contribu—’

‘Why does Anon look like he’s seen a ghost?’

“Did you just say, Blockbuster?”

Pike rolled her eyes. “Great. Don’t tell me Block Buster is another mare you got in a fight with when you first got here.”

‘Oh no, like Silken?’ She’d told Cut all about that. Something about how socks were viewed in his homeland?

“No, no. It's... it's nothing. Just a weird coincidence is all.”

‘Aw, he sounded so sad when he said it.’

Cut could tell Pike noticed it too, because she started looking pretty concerned. Before either of them could ask about it though, he groaned. “Oh come on don’t look at me like that. It's nothing. Today’s supposed to be fun anyway.”

Pike wasn’t content to leave it there. “Yeah, but Ano—”

“Cut!” he cried out, cutting her off, “What’s your favorite movie?”

She smiled. “Well that’s easy, its—”

Cut froze dead still. The abruptness of his question almost got her to answer truthfully.

‘Oh gosh and that would have been so embarrassing!’

“It’s uhhhhhhh...”

She couldn’t actually tell them it's My Loving Husband and Our Lovely Home: Directors Cut with commentary from the voice actresses—the 990 one, not the 1002 remake of course! Even the girls at the Cyber tournaments called her a hopeless weeaboo when she said that!

‘Quick, come up with a believable lie!’

‘Something like uhhhh uhhh uhhhh—’

“Batmare Begins!”

Pike’s face lit up like a hearth. “No way, I love that movie! Although, I do like the sequel a little better.”

‘Phew, thank goodness you can rely on Thestrals to love bat related things.’

“What part is your favorite?” Pike asked excitedly. ”Mine’s the one where she hops off the roof and shouts, ‘I am the night!’”

Anon smiled. Cut guessed that was a subject he was happy to be off of. “Pike, doesn’t that describe half the movie?”

She blushed furiously. “No it's not! It’s- wait, actually...” She put her head in her hooves, clearly trying to remember just how many times that actually happens. Last time Cut had counted it was 22 scenes—about half the movie, making Anon correct. Which was something she’d actually noted in her review in the Canterer (truth be told, she thought the comic adaptation was much better).

But she couldn’t bring that up now; she was in too deep. “So, movie night it is?”

Anon hopped out of his chair. “Fine by me. Let’s go sooner rather than later though. I want to get the trip through that mess outside over with ASAP.”

Cut nodded in agreement; might as well get it out of the way.

“Aha!” Pike, suddenly cried. “The scenes she does that in only take up an hour and FIVE minutes! That’s a whole fifteen minutes less than half the runtime!” Her gaze shifted between the two of them, her triumphant look fading fast. “Why are you two looking at me like that?”