The Long And Short Of It

Anonymous, Pike, and Cut had just finished the trip to “Block Buster’s” which, while arduous, was short and uneventful—a sharp contrast with the flood of memories that followed his first step through the front door. Even as the three of them stood amongst the maze of shelves, Anon almost couldn't believe it was real.

‘It’s... a Blockbuster.’

From wall to wall, it was exactly like every Blockbuster he could remember from when he was a kid. Yellow walls, vaguely dim lighting, gray carpet as far as the eye can see...

‘It even smells the same. God, how does it smell the same?’

Sure, he was taller than every shelf now, but, it really was just like he remembered.

Just like home.

‘...’

He shook his head, blinking the mist out of his eyes.

‘Come on man, get a hold of yourself.’

‘It’s just a Blockbuster, quit feeling so sad about it.’

Thankfully, Pike and Cut were too engrossed in perusing the shelves to notice that little dark spell. Speaking of the mares, Cut was standing on her hooftips to look over the shelf the three of them were browsing, and by the look on her face, she saw something she liked.

“The horror movie section’s over there. O-one of those could be fun.”

Peering over the shelf himself, Anon saw it was as she said. Realizing that he and Pike hadn’t actually watched any horror movies together, he started to wonder what pony horror movies were like. Would they even be able to scare someone like him?

‘Ha! I doubt it.’

‘Probably has a monster like ‘the mare that doesn’t like hugs’ or something.’

Regardless, it didn’t take a genius to figure out why Cut would want to watch a horror movie. “You just want me to get scared and fall into your hooves.”

Based on the way her face turned red, he’d totally called it. “N-no!”

‘Oh yeah, that’s totally what she wanted.’

He grinned. “Well, if you’d said ‘yes’ I’d have been into it, but since you said no...”

Cut stood there wide eyed and sputtered, “W-what!?!”

‘Aha, now I’ve completely thrown her off balance!’

“Oooooh, that’s a good idea, Cut,” chimed in Pike, “we should get something that’ll really take the fur off of him!”

‘Oho, is that a challenge?’

Anon snorted his cockiest snort. “As if any of your SNORE-or movies could terrify a seasoned veteran like me!” he declared, striking a defiant pose. A pose that was met with two deadpan stares.

Cut finally broke the silence just to say, “Anon... that was foul.”

‘What!? That wasn’t that bad!’

His smirk started to crack. “Come on, it was funny!”

Without another word, both Pike and Cut simply turned away from him and started to walk.

“Hey! Where are you going!?””

They didn’t even turn back, much less acknowledge what he’d said.

“Come ooooooon!”

They continued on however, ignoring his cries. Likely they were headed straight to the horror movie section to try to prove him wrong.

‘Hmf, fine by me.’

He knew the movies would be scarier if he didn’t know what’s coming anyway, and they’d need every advantage they could get!

‘But, what to do in the meantime?’

Scanning the store, he looked around for something interesting—and something interesting he did find! In the back left corner, there was a room separated from the rest of the store by a black curtain marked with three white hearts.

‘That’s not something the Blockbusters back home had.’

With nothing better to do, he decided he might as well take a look.

It turned out it was the porn section! He honestly hadn’t expected that. But, he wasn’t complaining; nothing cheered him up faster than reading funny porn titles.

“Unfaithful husband plumbs plumber’s depths like never before. Hehe.” Putting the porno back on the shelf, he continued down the way. Curiously, the more he saw, the more obvious it was that the shelves lacked any sort of organization. Maybe Block Buster herself was in some sort of a hurry?

Or, more likely, she figured no one would care.

‘Ooooh, that one looks interesting!’

Grabbing the noted box off the shelf, Anon took a good long look. The cover had two ponies standing on the set of a partially destroyed miniature city. The stallion was in some magical girl looking get up, while the mare was in a full-body monster suit. Well, almost full-body. Her fat ass titties were hangin’ out!

‘Teatzilla vs. Captain Colt!’ the cover proudly boasted.

‘Ha! This one might be worth checking the back of.’

Flipping it over, Anon started reading the description.

’In a faithful adaptation of the best selling doujinshi, Captain Colt faces his most dangerous foe yet! Teatzilla is here, and the only thing that can sedate her primal rage is a virgin! Can Captain Colt protect his purity? Or will he succumb to the monster’s lecherous ways?’

He didn’t want to look like a weirdo, laughing to himself in a Blockbuster, but he couldn’t help himself.

‘Like, come on, look at that summary!’

Honestly he kind of wanted to watch it; it sounded like it’d be fun. Oh well; he wasn’t going to bring a porno to movie night. That’d just be weird. Might as well put it back and—

As he was about to, the picture on the bottom of the back side of the box caught his eye. It had the mare and stallion out of costume, and…

‘Huh…’

Anon couldn’t really put his hoof on why, but something about that mare really reminded him of Cut. She certainly had similarly sized teats, although they were a little smaller. Scanning for the actress’ name, he found it just below the picture.

’Pictured: loving couple (and stars of the show) Barely Legal and Suck N. Buck.’

‘Suck N. Buck?!’

‘Cut said the N thing was a family tradition! And ‘loving couple?’’

A little while after they’d met, Cut had told Anon her parents were movie stars. Was that not the whole truth? Did she really mean PORN stars!?

‘Maybe I should rethink that ‘not bringing a porno to movie night’ thing.’

Nocturnal Pike looked over the collection of titles that she and Cut had picked out, satisfied. They had finally found the perfect set of movies to put Anon into a scared snuggling mood. Using their combined knowledge, the two of them had picked out the finest collection of fur raising spine chillers ever to hit the big screen.

‘The big guy won’t know what hit him!’

Speaking of, after they’d left him in the action section, he seemed to have wandered off somewhere—a somewhere he was now returning from, with a DVD drifting in his conjured hands. “Hey gals, got something you think will make me scream?”

Cut clopped her hooves excitedly, seemingly unaware of whatever surprise Anon was holding. “You bet! I hope you’re ready Anon! There’s no stallion alive that could handle these.”

It seemed the poor mare just caught herself speaking without thinking, because the second the words left her mouth, she started looking far more afraid than a movie could ever make somepony. “W-wait a second, th-that came out wrong!”

Something in Anon’s posture shifted. He unsurprisingly didn’t seem upset, but instead looked even more excited. As he did so, the DVD in his grip zipped behind his head and out of view, leaving it a mystery. “Is that so? Because I’ve found a little something that’ll scare the pants off of you! Wait, you guys don’t wear pants. Uh, scare the socks off you, then!”

‘Iiiiiiiiiinteresting.’

Clearly it wasn’t actually a horror movie, or else she would have seen him in the horror section with her. So what could it be that would scare the two of them? That’s when Pike realized something—it wasn’t to the two of them; he’d addressed that to Cut specifically.

Whatever it was, it was making Cut nervous. “Wh-what is it?”

“Not telling~!” he said in a way that was equal parts sing-song and smug.

‘Pah, as if he could actually hide something from me!’

It would be foals’ play to just fly around his head and spoil the surprise. Or, she could just let it happen and see what he’d cooked up...

‘That would probably be more fun.’

“So it’s a scare off then?”

He smiled in the way that only a stallion with a secret could. “Ooooh yeah. Ooohoho yeah!”

The three of them soon returned to the house, and the excitement in the air was palpable. All that was left was for the popcorn to finish popping and the marathon could begin.

Anon was insistent that his movie go first. So insistent in fact, he didn’t even wait for the three of them to reach a consensus; he’d just shoved it into the DVD player as soon as they got home. Neither Nocturnal Pike nor Cut really minded, but that didn’t stop the thestral from ribbing him for it.

He was watching the popcorn pop now, while Pike and Cut waited on the couch. Pike was the one sitting closest to the kitchen, while Cut was sitting on the other side of the space the two of them had reserved for him. A space perfectly sized so that the two of them were in the optimal snuggling positions for when the movies got to him.

And to be frank, they probably would.

Much like when he stubbornly insisted on having some of her Thestralian hot sauces, he’d almost certainly bitten off more than he could chew this evening. Although he had surprised her before!

Pike hoped he wouldn’t tonight, though. How lame would it be to have a horror movie marathon where the stallion didn’t get all snuggly? Might as well just have a regular movie marathon at that point!

“Aaaaaaand, done!” she heard Anon call from the kitchen.

Pike grinned. “Finally, let’s get this show on the road!”

As he trotted over to the couch, with the bowl suspended in his magic, she could tell he was positively giddy. Hopping into the allotted space, he briefly wiggled his rump to get comfortable for the long haul. “Everyb-pony ready?”

Pike gave a prompt, “Yep!”

While Cut nervously nibbled on a hoof before she stopped herself. “Any hints on what this is going to be?”

Anon just smiled. “Nope!” And used his magic to hit play on the remote. Pike had already dimmed the lights, so the mood was all set for this feature length presentation to begin.

And begin it did! The first thing she saw is a shot of what was very obviously a movie set meant to look like a tiny city. Like, very very obviously.

‘What kind of budget did this thing have, five bits?’

The set was so cheap she could almost think it was a porno!

‘...’

‘Wait, wait!’

‘He DIDN’T!’

Whipping her head around to look at Cut, Pike could tell she was getting more and more nervous. Her fur was practically standing on end! And she only looked even more strung out when the narrator started talking.

“This is Neighpon outpost one, come in base command! Come in base command, we’re under attack!”

It sounded like he was just speaking into a desk fan and they thought it sounded like a radio. As the narrator continued crying for help, the camera slowly panned over the city, until it came to a stop on a mare wearing a monster costume. Their back was facing the camera, and they’d managed to prop themselves up on their hind legs so the three of them couldn’t see any of their features.

“Send Captain Colt! I repeat send Captain—”

In the middle of his statement the costumed pony brought her forehooves down, crushing one of the clearly foam buildings.

And now that she was back on all fours, Pike knew her identity instantly. Between her legs was a pair of teats that every mare was familiar with.

“BRING ME VIRIGIN!” shouted Suck N. Buck.

This, of course, provoked a very strong reaction in Cut.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” she screamed in a blind panic, onset by the realization she was watching one of her parent’s pornos.

As Pike and Anon started laughing, Cut threw herself off of the couch and started scrambling toward the DVD player. As she desperately races towards it, a masculine voice starts playing.

“Halt Teatzilla! I Captain Co—”

But whatever he was saying was cut off by Cut slamming her hoof into the eject button, launching the disk out of the player and stopping the movie in its tracks. Pike and Anon remained on the couch, laughing long after the movie had stopped, while Cut just stood there, hoof still on the eject, taking the labored breaths of a pony who’d just averted a heart attack.

Eventually, Anon hopped off the couch and merrily trotted over to her. Leaning down to get a good look at her eyes, he asked, “Well, did I getcha?”

Anonymous had to admit that the question was pretty rhetorical; Cut’s scream was evidence enough that she was terrified. But, he wanted to drive home his little victory while he could.

“Y-yeah, you did...” admitted Cut.

‘Woo hoo! Score one for me!’

Plus, her reaction more or less confirmed what he was thinking. “So those were your parents then?”

Before she could answer though, Pike made a surprised sound from the couch. “Huh!? Parents? I thought it was just your mom?”

Cut, looked away embarrassed.

‘Weird, I’d have thought that was something to be proud of.’

“Dad’s... just a regular actor now.”

‘Ha! Good for him.’

‘Wait, does that mean he’s the Equestrian Marilyn Monroe?’

While Anon pondered that, Pike hopped off the couch and went to retrieve the lost disk. As she did, something about the picture on it—which if Anon wasn’t mistaken, was just a still of the stallion—made her pause. “Is this the same stallion from that one famous video?”

“Uh huh,” Cut sighed.

Pike’s eyes widened. “You’re telling me the mare and stallion from ‘Innocent Colt Gets Defiled By Pair of MASSIVE Sweaty Teats’ got married and are also your parents!?”

Cut, red faced, nodded. “Th-that’s where they met, actually.”

Pike did a double take between Cut and the stallion on the DVD, seemingly unable to believe it. “...aw, that’s kind of sweet.”

Anon’s head snapped up at that.

‘Kind of sweet?’

‘Kind of sweet!?’

“More like bucking awesome!” he shouted.

He could tell Cut didn’t feel the same by the look on her face. But why? Her parents were porn stars who met on set! That’s something anyone would have bragged about back home!

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Despite how high energy he was, it seemed Cut was not even remotely feeling it. “I-it’s not what you think Anon... my mom’s not a star because she’s pretty...”

‘What? Cut described them as ‘stars’. How do you become a star in porn if you’re not hot!?’

But as he wondered, the pieces started coming together. The ponies’ contempt for teats, Cut’s self confidence issues... even the allegedly infamous ‘Innocent Colt Gets Defiled By Pair of MASSIVE Sweaty Teats’ all pointed him toward one inescapable conclusion:

Cut’s mom was the Equestrian ugly bastard.

Using his magic, he reached out towards the movie’s case and yanked it over to himself, and took a long hard look at Suck N. Buck.

And honestly? He didn’t see it. Sure, she wasn’t that much of a looker—her face was kind of angular, and she was clearly more out of shape than Cut, but he wouldn’t call her unfuckable.

“Jesus, you Equestrians have really high standards if that’s ugly bastard material.”

Anon heard Pike ‘ugh’ from the couch. “Oh come on, now you’re just kissing flank!”

‘WHAT!?’

He sputtered for a moment at the indignity of it all. “Am not!”

She quirked her brow critically. “Oh yeah? Well what do ‘ugly bastards’ look like back in America then?”

‘Oh God, am I really going to force myself to remember ugly bastard hentai just to prove a point?’

‘Yeah, I guess I am.’

He grimaced momentarily at the thought. “They were like, morbidly obese goblin people! This mare does not look that bad.”

Suddenly right by his ear, Cut blurted out an excited, “Really!?”

‘AAAH!’

Her surprise movement directly next to his face had given him quite a start. “Y-yeah! I mean, really she's not—”

He was cut off when Cut, positively beaming, lunged into hug him, squeezing him tight with all of her earth pony strength!

‘GAHHH! I gotta get her to let go!’

Anon heard as much as felt a sudden crack!

‘W-was that my spine popping?’

‘Actually, nevermind getting her to let go, I feel great now!’

Cut sniffled. “Th-thanks Anon...”

‘Uhhhh.’

He really didn’t feel like he’d even done anything. “...You’re welcome,” he said trepidatiously. After that, still in Cut’s surprisingly iron grip, he turned to Pike.

“What did I do?” he mouthed.

“Her looks got compared to her mom’s a lot.” Pike silently responded.

‘Ohhhhh.’

He got it, now. In that case, it made sense she’d react this way to being told her mom doesn’t look that ugly.

‘Damn, what a fucked up legacy to inherit.’

He gave her one more consoling squeeze before pulling back a bit. “Alright, I think I’ve successfully gotten you back for that stallion comment back at Blockbuster. Let’s get the actual movie marathon underway.”

Pike was already on it though, as next thing he knew, she was by his side with a different movie and a rather smug look on her face. “Wow, Anon, all this for one comment? How very colty of you.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know I was going to try to get us to watch some of it regardless. Her comment just let me think of a more fun way to do it!”

Anon’s comment did little to stop the chuckling that started at his expense, though—from both Cut and Pike!

“Traitor!” He whispered in Cut’s ear.

Which, of course, only made her chuckle become outright laughter.

It was much later, and the three of them were a good way into the first movie.

Honestly, Anon couldn’t believe Pike and Cut thought he’d be scared by this! The “monster” was just a pony in a sheet! Although, based on how neither Pike nor Cut were looking particularly scared themselves, this might’ve been a ploy to lure him into a false sense of security.

It’d be best to keep his guard up for the next film.

This next one? This one was kind of getting to him. It was some ‘lost in the woods’ type movie with a monster that seemed suspiciously like a human werewolf. A werewolf and a lot of long shots where the ponies were running from it, but the werewolf kept an even pace with them.

It just kept going and going and going, and they couldn’t get away!

It was.... admittedly, starting to make him feel pretty anxious.

Cut was clearly feeling it too, although she was trying her hardest to look brave in front of him.

His attention was yanked back to the screen though by the sound of its howl.

‘How does it keep coming!?’

They were on the fifth movie now, and Anon was starting to sense a theme.

A theme that was actually pretty darn effective!

A bunch of inescapable monsters pursuing the protagonists, and the monster itself spending a lot of time staring down the camera—something that his horsey subconscious found very uncomfortable!

They were deep into another chase scene with the two main characters and—’oh God, the red mare on screen just fell and there was a nasty snap!’

“My leg!” she cried, “I can’t feel my leg!”

‘Damn this horse amygdala!’

‘Why does the idea of breaking my leg freak me out so much now!?’

He breathed deep to try and ease some of the mounting tension.

‘Come on Anon, keep it together.’

Cut had already tapped out and was clinging on to him—something she was sure to be embarrassed about later, but Pike only looked mildly worried!

‘I can’t freak out before she does!’

‘I’m no pussy, damn it! These are just movies!’

‘OhGodHereComesTheMonsterHowIsSheGoingToRunAway?’

He’d made it to the last movie, but not unscathed.

Were he of sober mind, this final film would have been nothing to him. But those last six movies did an exceptional job of rattling him, so of sober mind he was not. As things stood, Anon, Cut, and Pike were all holding on to each other for dear life.

This particular movie’s killer was on screen right now, and going in for the final kill. And of course, she had to end it on a chilling line.

“There are no hugs when you’re dead.”

They all screamed. Very loudly.