The Long And Short Of It

The next day, Cut N. Paste was, amazingly, even more concerned. When she’d tried to wake Anon in the morning, she’d found he was in the exact shape she would’ve expected Pike to be in: tired to the point of non-functionality. She ended up needing to assert herself just a bit, by insisting that he stay home from work and get some rest. He briefly tried to fight it, but after he nearly collapsed face first into his bowl of cereal, he acquiesced. Cut ended up staying behind too, in order to watch over him. She was sure Aunt Jargon would understand.

Both Anon and Pike were sleeping peacefully (Pike said she planned to give her mares the day off after all), while Cut sat in the living room, sorting some of her Cyber: The Assembly decks. Or, she supposed they were sleeping peacefully; going by the sound of shuffling bedsheets, somepony just got out of bed. Craning her neck and looking over her shoulder, Cut caught Pike emerging from the bedroom, looking as concerned as Cut felt.

“He wasn’t up to going to work?” Pike asked, nodding towards the bedroom.

Cut couldn’t help but notice she didn’t sound surprised. “No,” she said as she shook her head. “Do you have any idea what happened?”

The thestral sighed wearily, and Cut could see a bit of shame creep into her typically confident expression. “You were right is what happened.”

‘I was!?’

Cut honestly kind of wasn't expecting to be proven right. However, any relief she might’ve felt was overshadowed by the simple fact that she was right.

“What did he do?”

Pike trotted over to the couch, taking a seat next to Cut before answering. “I think he was waiting for me.”

‘What? Why?’

She knew he’d seen the cake and the note that Pike had left the both of them, so he must have known she wouldn’t be getting back until the wee hours of the morning. Why the heck would he wait for her then?

Cut’s mind ran through a multitude of possible reasons, but nothing she came up with was really satisfactory. “Why would he do that?”

Pike shrugged, a solemn look on her face. “I don’t know. He tried to give me some horseapples about how he stayed up because ‘the apartment needed a sweep.’”

If Cut cocked her eyebrow any higher, she was pretty sure it would’ve flown off her face. “Really?”

Pike scoffsed, clearly having felt similar incredulity. “I know right?! Since when did he care about sweeping?”

While the two of them talked, Cut’s mind continued to search for a possible explanation. “So you weren’t able to get the real answer out of him?”

Pike crossed her hooves, grumbling. “I tried to get him to spill it, but he just picked me up! And he knows how much I hate being marehandled!” She looked over her shoulder at the bedroom door, letting out a sigh. “I’m planning on pestering him about it again when he wakes up, but I get the feeling he’ll just wave it off again.”

She was probably right, considering how things went the last time Cut asked him if something was wrong. “What should we do then? Just try to puzzle out the problem and fix it ourselves?”

Pike slumped her shoulders. “That could work, if we can figure out what it is.”

She raised a good point; that was much easier said than done. Scrunching her face in concentration, Cut tried to figure out what it could be. Nothing had happened at work, and nothing had really happened at home, either...

That is, except for his whimsey fit.

“Hey Pike?”

She looked up from her own concentration towards the earth pony. “Yeah?”

“You don’t think that the stuff that gave him his whimsy fit is still bothering him, do you?” Cut asked.

Nocturnal Pike didn’t think that was it. Back when she was young, whenever her Dad ever threw a fit about something, her Mom would always pull him out of it with some kind words and a big old hug! But, Anon was pretty anxious about herding before, so it wasn’t impossible that some new anxiety had taken the place of the one she’d placated.

“Hm, I don’t think that’s it, but I think you’re on the right track.”

The problem with that being, it meant whatever was eating him wasn’t likely something she could fix without knowing what the problem was. The thestral tapped one of her hooves in an attempt to work out some of her mounting frustration.

‘Aaarg! Why won’t he just tell me!?’

‘Maybe... maybe it's something he doesn’t want the two of us to worry about?’

Which, of course, was causing Pike to do the opposite. “If that’s the case though, we’ll just be playing a guessing game unless we can get him to tell us what it is.”

Cut hummed in agreement, before her face suddenly lit up. “I have an idea!” Glancing at the mare, Pike nodded, signaling her to continue. “If he’s still evasive when you ask him today, why don’t we try to catch him in the act?”

‘That’s actually a pretty great idea. If both of us confront him in the moment of doing something odd, he almost certainly won’t be able to worm his way out of that!’

“That just might work! Did you have something in mind?”

Cut beamed under Pike’s praise, clearly excited to be positively contributing to the herd. “W-well I figure, if last night wasn’t just a complete coincidence, Anon will probably stay up late again if one of us isn’t home, right?”

Pike nodded. “Makes sense.”

“So how about I stay late at work a few days from now and we see what he does?”

Putting her forehooves on Cut’s shoulders, Pike looked her right in the eyes. “Cut... that’s genius.”

Cut N. Paste was feeling confident that the plan would succeed. Honestly, she was a little worried that finding a reason to stay at the office so late would be hard, but it turned out she needed the time to catch up from that day she’d missed. All it took then was finding the perfect day to spring the trap.

Which was today, a few days later, for two major reasons: Firstly, so that he couldn’t use his late night as an excuse for staying up late. And secondly, so that she and Pike could continue to observe him.

He’d never done something as outright strange as staying up until five AM for no apparent reason again, but occasionally, Cut would catch various small oddities. For example, she’d noticed that now he’d never hug just one of them; it was always both. Whenever only one of them went in for a hug, he'd hesitate, flinching until the other one joined in. He never made it obvious, but being on the lookout for it allowed Cut to consistently see it.

This only served to embolden the mares’ shared quest for truth.

And, judging by the fact that as Cut drew closer to the apartment door, she could hear somepony moving around, she believed the resolution was close at hoof. It was three-thirty AM: a time that even with their skewed sleep schedules, was an odd one to be awake at.

Stopping in front of the door, she took a deep breath.

‘Alright Cut, be ready. Sure Pike will be there too, but if you can't assert yourself, you won’t be much help at all.’

‘Deep breath in, deep breath out. Anon may be your prince, but you need to do this for his own good.’

‘Deep breath in, deep breath out.’

‘Alright, ready!’

With her nerves sufficiently steeled, Cut was ready to face what was on the other side of the front door head on!

‘What was on the other side’ being Anon, washing the dishes.

He turned to Cut before she could call out to him, and he was visibly relieved at the sight of her. “Ahh, welcome home!”

Seeing no reason to waste time, Cut got right into it. “Thanks, Anon, but what are you still doing up?”

“Oh!” he said, glancing around nervously, “I was just doing some dishes!”

Trotting closer to him unintentionally gave her a closer look at those dishes he was doing. And the closer she got, the more she realized that those were the majority of the dishes in their cabinets. He wasn’t just washing the dishes the three of them had used today, he was washing all of them.

‘Steady your voice, Cut, speak with authority!’

“Okay seriously, what's bothering you?”

Anon attempted to scoff defiantly, but it came off as more of a resigned sigh. “Come on, why do you and Pike keep asking me that? I'm fine.”

“No you aren’t,” came Pike’s voice from the bedroom. She quickly emerged, taking a position next to Cut. “I’ve been listening to you pull dishes out of the cupboard to wash for the past several hours. Now what’s wrong?”

Anon, finally seeing there was no way out, slumped his shoulders. “It’s just dumb,” he muttered under his breath.

Pike looked at him with sympathetic eyes. “Obviously not if it's bothering you this much.”

“But that’s the thing, it shouldn’t be bothering this much,” came his suddenly impassioned reply. “I mean, you both told me I didn’t need to worry about it and that you’d be there for me—”

“—but I just can’t get over that stupid feeling that I need to give you equal... everything! Unless I want the herd to fall apart.”

Nocturnal Pike felt like the floor had just fallen out from under her.

Cut was right, again. Those feelings that spawned his whimsey fit? They were never really placated to begin with.

‘I failed.’

“And I know its dumb, that’s why I didn’t want you two to worry about it.”

Pike felt like she was about to keel over.

‘How could I not have noticed? How did I miss this? I did what every mare would do in that situation, exactly what Mom would have done!’

‘What an alpha is supposed to do!’

‘But that didn’t make it the right thing to do.’

“Anon,” chimed in Cut’s sad voice, “You should have just told us.”

“But why?” he whined, exasperated, “It's not like either of you two can actually do anything about it. It's just something I need to force myself to get over. All telling you is going to do is stress you out too.”

While Pike attempted to crush the mounting feeling of panic, Cut walked over to put a reassuring hoof on Anon’s back. “I thought the same thing about my sleeping problems, but Pike showed me that tea and now I’ve never slept better! You never know how ponies can help until you ask.”

‘Oh Luna, she’s even doing a better job of comforting him right now!’

‘This is what you get for allowing yourself to distance yourself from who you ought to be!’ Came the cruel, mocking voice in Pike’s mind. ‘You’ve allowed yourself to fall from mareliness and look where it's gotten you! You’re a failure of an alpha!’

‘I’ve got to do something, got to salvage this! Herds look to their alpha for guidance, I’ve got to come up with something!’

As Pike panicked, Anon continued to mope. ”I just don’t see what either of you could do.”

“A SCHEDULE!” Pike blurted out, a little more desperately than she intended. The two of them just looked confused, unaware of her distress thanks to her mastery of her poker face.

Anon blinked. “How so?”

‘Okay Pike, you’ve brought it back, now get yourself under control!’

“Ahem. What if we set aside certain days to focus on specific ponies? Like, say Tuesdays are Cut’s day. That day you set aside to do something with her, and another day you’ll set aside to do something specifically with me.”

“Right right!” Cut chimed in, “And then we can have a third day we set aside for all three of us to always do something together.”

‘Phew, alright, I’m not a complete failure after all.’

Pike’s body wanted to sag in relief, but she kept her posture rigid. Commanding, even.

Anon was still frowning, but he began to have something of a thoughtful look. “That... honestly might help.”

“See?” Cut said to Anon before turning to Pike. “That’s why you’re the alpha, Pike. You always know what to do.”

‘For now.’

Quiet, thoughts! This is about Anon!’

“Will it help enough that you won’t be staying up until three-thirty if one of us comes home late?” Pike asked.

Anon grimaced, which was not the reaction she was hoping for. “I dunno, maybe?” Looking down at his hooves, he sighed as he started to shuffle them. “I mean, it's not like I wanted to stay up so late, but that night Pike wasn’t home...” As he recounted that night, his expression grew more and more pained. “...I kept having these thoughts. ‘Look at you, you piece of shit. About to sleep easy while Pike’s not even there. How’s she going to feel when she comes home and sees you snuggling against Cut and not her? Replaced is how she’ll feel.’”

‘That’s... rather dark. No wonder he chose to sweep for hours and hours instead.’

“That’s why I didn’t even bother trying to go to sleep tonight. I knew I’d be haunted until Cut got home, so I figured I might as well make use of that time.”

That fit with what Pike had experienced. Earlier he’d said that he’d ‘join you shortly’ but he never joined her at all.

Lifting his head, but keeping it bowed, he addressed both Pike and Cut. “And, again, I know that’s irrational, but it’s just that same thing that had me spazzing out a few days ago. I don't know how to make sure that I’m loving you both equally, or how to make sure you know I love you both equally. So instead my subconscious just obsesses over making everything equal.”

Finally rising to his full height, he looked out over both the mare’s heads. “But this scheduled days idea... I think it’s a start.”

Pike and Cut needed only to share a quick glance to know they both had the same idea for this exact moment. Rushing him, the both of them wrapped him in a big hug, one that drew a heaving sigh of relief out of him.

‘You know, I just had a great idea for a one liner.’

Pike grinned. “I’m glad to hear that, Anon. But I think our real start should probably be going the buck to bed.”

While it sounded cool in the moment, and got a laugh out of both Cut and Anon, it wasn’t quite accurate. Anon wanted to take a warm shower to calm his nerves, and Cut needed to brew her tea.

Which left Nocturnal Pike with a brief time with nothing to do but reflect, and think.

Sitting on the couch and staring at her hooves, she pondered her failure. The sound of the shower directed her thoughts to Anon, her stallion.

Her stallion who’s fears she’d inexcusably failed to calm.

Her mother always taught her that the only thing that could erase a stallion’s whimsical fears was the grasp of a strong mare.

‘Did I fail because I’m not truly a strong mare anymore? Has my indulgence in this part of me rendered me a failure!?’

“Hey.”

Surprised, Pike looked up from her hooves to see Cut, having left her vigil at the teapot to join her side. Placing her hoof on Pike’s shoulder, she could tell Cut was trying to channel that same energy she was earlier.

“So uh, what’s bothering you?”

Pike’s first instinct was to tell her it's nothing and to wave her off, but the thestral realized that’d be pretty stupid considering the night’s events. Despite the cocktail of despair, she managed to keep her voice even. “I just can’t believe I failed.”

Cut looked deeply shocked, and somewhat offended, by her assertion. “What do you mean you failed?”

The thestral resisted the urge to slam her hoof on the coffee table. “I mean I failed, dang it! How didn’t I see it? How could I have been so wrong?!”

“That’s just it, you weren’t wrong.”

Pike gave her a look of pure incredulity.

‘How was I not wrong!?’

Cut, clearly reading the question on her face, continued. “You said Anon acts like a mare, and you were right. Isn’t it all too common for mares to bottle up their emotions so as to not burden others?”

‘She... she’s completely right.’

That was one of the lessons Pike’s mother sought to hammer into her head, ever since she was a filly. ‘A marely mare keeps her emotions to herself.’

Cut continued. “So I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Since after all...”

But at that point, Pike was a little ashamed to admit, she’d tuned her out. But only because her mind had found something far more troubling to focus on.

Pike’s Mom had always said stallions not adhering to that principle was a source of problems for all mares. But here... Anon, a stallion, was adhering to that principal, but all it was doing was making him miserable, and making Pike and Cut worry.

‘Does that mean…’

Suddenly, several memories surfaced in Pike’s mind. When she was young, her parents used to fight a lot, especially after Dad had any sort of whimsy fit. Her Mom always told her it was because her Dad was especially catty, and Pike took her at her word and didn’t think much of it. Looking back on it now though, the parallels between those fights and her situation were uncanny. Both Pike and her Mom presumed the situations resolved, only to find they weren’t at all.

Maybe the reason what she did with Anon didn’t work, had nothing to do with her not being marely enough. Maybe the advice itself was just manure! But if that was folly, and the lesson that mares should keep emotions to themselves didn’t actually make anything better, how much more of what her mom told her was bunk!? How much more of this standard that she’d based her life, her sense of self, even her leadership style around... was stupid!?

Phwwwwwwwwwwwht!

“Oh, that's the teapot!” The whistle of the teapot and Cut’s voice grabbed Pike by the scruff of her neck and yanked her out of the downward spiral.

Pike felt bad that she’d missed the entirety of what Cut was saying, but at the same time, she felt like she’d realized something important. Something she should really keep thinking about, no matter how much she wanted to put it off. Because that's just what she’d been doing: bottling it up and putting it off.

‘Am I really any different than Anon?’

Pike looked up toward the kitchen. “Hey, can you pour me a cup too?”