The Long And Short Of It

The evening of the tournament had finally come, and the Pike household was filled with the uncommon sound of vigorous scrubbing. But it was a sound that Nocturnal Pike didn't mind in the least. After all, it was the sure sign that Anon was busy doing what he, arguably, did best: giving coats a nice, firm brushing.

Pike and Cut were sharing the tub, while an entranced Anon was giving the two mares a VERY thorough cleansing. Pike had originally intended for only Cut to be on the receiving end of Anon’s five-star treatment this evening, but that was foolish; she should have known that once he got started, it was only a matter of time before he dragged her into the tub as well.

Literally, in this case!

Not that she was complaining, of course, even if the tub was more than a little snug with the both of them.

“Mmmmmm, Pike...” Cut dreamily addressed her, “Not to put a damper on this, but how is this ‘necessary to our winning strategy’ again?”

Seeing as Anon was hard at work on Cut’s fur, Pike allowed herself to sink into the warm suds a little.

‘Ahh, nothing like the serene calm of a well warmed bathtub to plan the psychological downfall of my fellow equines.’

Holding her head up just high enough to speak, Pike replied, “The great Thestral General, Yue Tzu, once said: ‘tennis is a mental game’. She also said, ‘war is a lot like tennis’.” Cut nodded her head, but that might’ve just been because Anon had started undoing a particularly nasty knot in her coat. “And we’re waging war here, Cut. These mares probably haven’t bathed in months, so we’re going to walk in there smelling like soap our coltfriend picked for us.”

Cut let out an “ahhhhh,” which Pike chose to interpret as approval of her tactical genius, and not a sign that she was about to fall asleep under Anon’s ministrations. Even though her posture had fallen completely limp at that point, and her head had come to rest on his shoulder as he rhythmically brushed her...

‘Mmmmmm, now that looks comfortable.’

Sliding herself up just enough to safely prop her head up on the side of the tub, Pike closed her eyes and savored the sensation of warmth seeping into her coat. She might as well rest a bit; she was sure Anon would wake her up on time.

Cut N. Paste was a nervous wreck. As the evening sun settled on the horizon, the howling wind and snow was whipping against her coat, adding to the heightened sense of anxiety she felt. There she stood, right outside the Board Game Barn, preparing to walk herself right into the maw of the beast. Her only comfort in this fight? The weight of the decks in her saddlebags.

Well, that and the two ponies by her side, if she wanted to be undramatic about it.

“Thanks for waking me up by the way,” said Pike, “I was out.”

Anon glanced back at her with a grin. “Don’t thank me! If Cut hadn’t set the alarm clock, the two of you would probably still be in the tub right now!”

Cut felt as Pike approvingly bumped her flank into Cut’s own. Well, thanks to her size, Pike actually bumped her flank into Cut’s gaskin, but it's the thought that counts. “Well done, Miss Prepared!”

The compliment put a little warmth in her chest, which nicely contrasted against the cold outside. “Th-thanks.” For once that stutter wasn’t her stumbling over her words like a fool; that was her teeth chattering!

‘Buck, it's cold! Makes me wish I was back in the tub.’

Honestly, now that they were there, the thought of entering the board game barn at all made Cut wish she was back in the tub. She’d been so gung-ho earlier, but now...

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have set that alarm.’

It was too late for that though. Even with the added insulation of her bra, Cut’s nipples were so cold she felt like they could cut diamonds. If she tried to turn around and head home now, they'd’ probably be rubbed raw by the time she was back. And that was not something she’d like to feel anytime soon. So, it seemed she had no choice.

She was going in.

Putting on a brave face and fighting nearly all of her instincts, the earth pony quit her lollygagging and started a fast trot toward the entrance to the Barn. Anon and Pike matched her pace, and thankfully, before she knew it, Cut had pushed open the door and taken her first steps into the Board Game Barn after a long, long time — only for her perseverance to be rewarded with the most putrid smell violating her nose! It nearly knocked her off her hooves as her semi-confident stride instantly turned into a stumble.

Being first through the door, and after taking a moment to come to terms with the smell, Cut took a look around. The shop looked exactly as she remembered it. It was stylized to fit its namesake: a barn, complete with red and white paint. In fact, the only real difference between it and the average barn is where there would normally be stalls, there were instead shelves upon shelves of board games.

As Cut scanned the room to locate the source of the stench, she was reminded that the place actually had a pretty robust selection. Including a Hyperspace Hyperwars Imperium of Sol titan that she spied inside the glass counter that made up the check-out.

‘I thought those were discontinued ages ago!’

But, none of the merchandise seemed to be the source of that awful stench. Indeed, it seemed to be coming from behind a black curtain at the back of the store.

The annex, where the tournament was actually held.

Perking up an ear, Cut could already hear the sounds of ponies arguing amongst themselves, clearly hoping to weed out some competition early. Mare, the competitors weren’t even in this part of the store, and it still smelled like death. Pike was clearly on the money about their bathing habits.

‘Wait, smells…’

‘OH NO, ANON!’

Spinning around to try and warn him, Cut found she was too late.

The moment Anon stepped through the door, his jovial smile was wiped off his face as it turned green — well, greener than usual. Sputtering, he hacked out a couple of gasping coughs before sticking out his tongue, gagging. “Oh, cough, oh my God!” Face full of disgust, he nearly tripped over his hooves as he scrambled back out the door. As soon as he was out, he jammed his muzzle into the snow, seemingly trying to put a physical barrier between himself and the stench.

Which worried Cut quite a bit. Would he be able to stick this out? If just a sniff did that to him, what would the concentrated stench behind the curtain do? She didn’t want him to spend the evening in agony!

As he held himself face down in the snow though, she caught sight of his horn lighting up. After a few moments, a translucent green bubble appeared around his head, and after a mere moment more, it faded away. Only once it was gone did he finally pull his head out of the snow.

As Anon stepped back into the store, Cut was surprised when he took a deep breath and didn't flinch. “Phew, alright, much better.”

Pike grinned devilishly as she bumped her hip into his thigh. “What’s the matter? That’s the smell of pure, concentrated mare right there! I thought you’d like it!”

He contorted his face in a disgusted grimace and stuck out his tongue once more. “Eck! No thanks. It stinks like if I boiled the two of you in a jar of your own sweat.”

‘Eeew.’

Cut was ashamed to admit that she could do more than imagine how that would smell. That was a dark time in her life.

A very dark time.

“You know, usually this horse gig ain’t so bad,” Anon suddenly said, “but not being able to smell B.O. from two rooms over sounds really nice right about now.”

‘Wha- he’s no whorse! How could he say that about himself!?’

As Cut stared at him in disbelief, Pike gave him a disapproving look. “Anon, you just did that thing where you casually refer to ponies as “horses”. You gotta stop—it makes ponies uncomfortable!” As she spoke, she pointed a hoof at the earth pony. “Just look at poor Cut. She looks like she’s about to blow a gasket!”

‘Of course I’m about to blow a gasket! He just—’

‘Oh, right. Alien.’

‘Wait, does that mean to his species, everypony is a whorse? H-How lewd…’

That’s when Cut realized they were both looking at her expectantly, and that could only mean one thing. “What are you waiting for, Cut?” Anon asked. “Time to get yourself signed up!”

With a nervous swallow, Cut turned toward the counter. She was a little relieved to see that the shopkeep was currently distracted with the register and had probably missed the earlier exchange.

‘Alright, just take a deep breath and then walk up to her. She’ll probably insult you, but that’s okay, that’s why you’re here. You just gotta be ready. You are a successful mare. You can do this. Just walk over to her and—’

There was a tremendous smack, andCut whinnied as the sound echoed throughout the store. On instinct, the impact on her flanks drove her to charge forward toward the desk, and she was only able to slow herself down by the time she’d reached it. Looking back over her shoulder, Cut saw a guilty looking Anon, his spectral hand still hanging in the air where it connected with her.

Awkwardly swinging the hand around so it was rubbing the back of his neck, he weakly stammered, “S-Sorry, didn’t mean for it to be that hard.”

Cut did not like the feeling this had awakened in her.

Turning back towards the counter, and struggling to keep the blush off her face, Cut unfortunately found that the mare was now giving the three of them her full attention. If she had to bet, it was probably the sound of the smack that jolted her out of her work.

On the upside though, instead of laughing, her jaw seemed to have hit the floor. “Did that stallion just slap you on the flanks?”

‘This is your chance Cut, she’s off guard. Don’t stammer out some half-baked reply, be bold!’

“Y-Yeah, and? H-he likes them.”

‘Oof, not great, but it's a start.’

Surprisingly though, her statement had left the cashier looking pretty downcast. “I wish a stallion would slap my flanks,” she whispered under her breath.

‘Oh! That’s... unexpected.’

Cut really wasn’t sure what to say. Casting a panicked look over her shoulder to Anon and Pike, they just shrugged back at her.

‘Buck.’

Thankfully, while Cut scrambled for a response, the cashier mare seemed rather preoccupied with something.

‘Wait, the way she’s leaning over the counter to look at me, is she checking out my flanks?’

“Her’s aren’t any bigger than mine...”

‘What the buck, she totally is!’

Suddenly, the mare leaned in and started desperately whispering in her ear. “Psst, hey. What’s your secret? How’d you nab a stallion like that?”

‘Oh, she was comparing herself to me to see if she had a chance!’

Cut paused as she thought about the story.

‘Should I really…? No, no, it's okay. Might as well give her a helping hoof and tell her the truth.’

“I uh, got drunk and yelled at his fillyfriend that he deserved a nice mare who wouldn’t take advantage of him. I was way off base, but she was so impressed that they asked me to herd with them.”

“WHAT!?” she shouted, “That actually worked!? Those rat bitches lied to me!” Without sparing a second, she vaulted over the counter and took off toward the front door. “Buck this stupid job, I’m off to get some dick! This nice gal is finishing FIRST tonight!”

Cut attempted to muster up some sort of weak objection, but she was already long gone. Which, by the looks of it, left the counter entirely un-mared.

‘Uh oh, looks like there’s nopony to sign me up for the tournament anymore! Better to just head on out! What a darn shame.’

Before she could follow that mare in making a hasty escape though, Anon and Pike join her on either side.

“Well, that was unexpected,” quipped Anon as he lit his horn, materializing dozens of hands and immediately setting them on digging around behind the counter.

‘Huh.’

Cut had gotten so used to it that she’d forgotten just how much taller Anon was than the average pony. The counter, for example, was clearly designed with mares of Cut’s height in mind. It was just about level with her lower neck, making it easy for her to see anything from that level up, as was intended.

Pike, of course, couldn’t see behind the counter at all.

Anon, however, clearly didn’t even need to lean forward to see the entirety of what was back there. She could hear him pulling open cupboards that she could only barely see the tops of as he searched for... something. After spending a few more awkward minutes listening to the sounds of him carelessly knocking over dozens of things out-of-sight, he finally spoke up.

“You entered this thing before, right, Cut? What’d they give you when you signed up? A paper ticket?”

‘Oh, looks like he’s just going to sign me up himself.’

Cut held back a sigh. “They had these pieces of whiteboard with velcro on the back. They’d write your name on it... and an insult too.”

“Hm, I see,” he said with a nod. After that, it only took him another moment of searching before he pulled one out from under the register with an ‘Aha!’ With a cheshire grin, he presented it to her on the flat of his open hand. “Now we don’t have to pay the bitches!”

‘That is an amazing idea!’

Spotting an abandoned dry erase marker next to the register, Cut grinned and stretched her neck out, wrapping her teeth around it without hesitation.

Just as she was putting marker to board though, Pike spoke up. “Anon! They may be a bunch of creeps, but that doesn’t mean we should steal from them! At least leave some bits on the register or something,” she chided.

Anon rolled his eyes at Pike. “Oh come on! Do these guys really deserve our bits?”

But Pike put her hoof down — literally in this case — when she did a little stomp. “Anon!”

“Fine, fine,” he exhaled with a sigh. “It probably costs what, five bits?” Reaching a hand into his bag, he carelessly tossed five bits onto the register. “There.”

Pike smiled and stretched out her wing to pat him on the back. Due to being on either side of Cut (and due to her small size) it only barely reached. “You did the right thing, Anon,” she said to him. Immediately after that, she leaned in to whisper in Cut’s ear. “See, Cut, as a mare you’ve got to be ready to reign in your stallion’s whimsey whenever it appears. Even if it's fairly marish whimsey.”

One of Anon’s hands proceeded to wiggle its way between the two of them though, and, in an unprecedented move, booped Pike. “Ha ha, very funny,” he said, clearly having overheard. Slowly the piece of whiteboard slid into Cut’s view. “Alright Cut, get your name on this and let’s get in there.”

Glancing at the existing entries, she could tell she was going to need to put an insult on there too, unless she wanted to be singled out. Well, the obvious would be what they put on there last time when she came without one of her expensive bras.

‘Do I really want to go down that road though?’

Taking a brief glance at Anon and Pike, she saw they were both smiling at her, and she could feel their support without them needing to say anything.

‘Alright, I’m gonna do it. And this time, I’m gonna own it!’

“What do you think da~ling, how do I look?”

Nocturnal Pike couldn’t help but chuckle at the bizarre accent Anon was doing. “Snirk, Shut up,” she said, as she gave him a playful poke him in the ribs.

He’d draped Cut’s discarded bra around his withers like a boa scarf, and now he was twirling it like one, too. “I think I look positively dashing!”

‘Pffffft!’

He must have had a lot of run-ins with nobles while he was staying at the castle; there was no other way he’d be able to mimic their inflections so well.

Smiling, Pike nodded towards the back of the store. “Come on, I think they’re about to start!”

Immediately, the hand twirling the bra faded away. “Shit, you’re right!” Turning his attention away from being a faux-fop, Anon and Pike looked out over the tournament annex.

It was more or less what she’d expected: a large open room (also stylized as a barn) populated by a dozen or so tables that had been arranged in a square so they could run multiple games simultaneously. And, surprisingly, at nearly every table was a set of mares, each of them ready to tear the other to pieces. Even from Pike’s side of the room, a million different insults reached her ears.

“I bet a moron like you plays blue control!”

“You really ought to sell your cards, you buckup!”

“I didn’t think mudponies had the faculties to play a complex game like Cyber!”

‘Stars above, they haven’t even started playing yet!’

Looking to the center of the farthest wall, Pike spotted the tournament bracket, full of names and the various accompanying insults. There was only one name and insult on it she cared about, though. Situated at the very bottom right was a board that said “Cut N. Paste: fattest teats in Canterlot.” Pike was very surprised when Cut wrote that on it herself — even more so when she unclasped her bra right then and there. Anon, of course, tried to turn himself invisible by putting it on his head, but when that didn’t work he settled for wearing it like a scarf.

Which had certainly turned some heads when the three of them walked in.

Taking a closer look at the bracket itself though, it looked like if Cut won all of her games, she’d only need to face four ponies before winning. Thank Luna, honestly. Pike was looking forward to making some of these mares’ days worse and all, but she’d only been in there a few minutes and she already felt like she needed another bath.

Returning the earlier gesture, Anon suddenly nudged her in the flank. “Hey, Pike. Check out the wreck she’s up against!”

Looking at the table Pike had seen Cut take a seat at earlier, she bit back a harsh laugh.

‘Okay, if this mare goes for appearance-based insults, Cut should have this easy.’

It seemed the two of them might not need to leave their spot on the wall after all. Pike wanted to just sit with her at the table, but the refs had very explicitly forbidden it. Her table was only one away from the outer edge of the rectangle though, so she was still at least within earshot. That way, if the two of them needed to step in and support her, they could.

Cut was digging through her saddlebags now, likely trying to decide which of her decks to use. It was only a matter of time before the games started.

Pike put a hoof up to her muzzle. “You can do it, Cut! Beat her!”

“Yeah! Kill her!” shouted Anon.

Cut N. Paste wasn’t sure what she was feeling right then.

‘Hmmm, a red/white control deck?’

‘No, no.’

‘Maybe I should go with a blue deck?’

“Having trouble deciding?” asked the voice across from her. Turning her attention from her pack to the mare at the other end of the table, Cut got a good look at her opponent for the first time. “Too many decks? How foolish. A jill of all trades is a master of none.”

The mare in front of her was a unic— no, wait. She was just built like a unicorn. She was actually an earth pony, like Cut, but taller, and much, much thinner. She believed most ponies would call her a “lanklet.” She was dressed in the form-fitting uniform of a MegaCorpo cosplay, which served to not only highlight her skeletal build, but also tipped Cut off toward her playstyle. Looking directly at her face—’oh Celestia this poor mare!’ Her coat is already thinning around her face, which only made it easier to see the terrible acne she had.

‘How does she still have acne? She’s probably as old as me.’

Reaching behind herself, she pulled out a stack of token cards.

‘Okay, black with a ton of tokens? I’m pretty sure I know what she’s running.’

“I meanwhile have mastered my deck!” she shouted as she slammed it on the table. Cut was, admittedly, a little intimidated just then. But now she knew just the deck to use!

“Cut N. Paste! I, Monopoly Money, will utterly destroy you here and now!

Twitchy Gaming was psyched! The tournament was going to start in a few minutes, and her opponent wasn't even here!

‘Looks like I’m getting a free ride to the second bracket, score!’

With the first opponent down, she was one step closer to winning this tournament and restoring her honor!

However, her premature celebration was cut off at the sound of the entrance curtain flapping open. Presuming it was her opponent running late, she lazily rolled her head towards it.

Only for her heart to stop.

Into the room stepped a perfectly white mare, dressed in a billowing black cloak. The hood disguised her identity, but Twitchy still knew who it was the moment she laid her eyes on the mare.

“G-Grandmaster!?”

The moment the word left her mouth, the Grandmaster’s head snapped directly to her. The yellow eyes under the enchanted cloak burning a hole in her soul. Twitchy frantically looked around, hoping against hope that there was another open seat and that she might not be her opponent. But all was lost; there wasn’t a single open seat left in the room.

‘Buck! Buck buck buck buck! This is what you get for not checking the board!’

‘AHHH!’

Twitchy turned her head back toward the Grandmaster, only to find she’d already crossed the room and had taken the seat across from her.

‘How!?’

“Bah,” came an ominous voice from under her hood, “How dare they? Are there truly no worthwhile opponents left here?” Slowly she leaned in toward Twitchy’s face as she began to quake more and more. “I can see it in your eyes,” came the voice dripping with scorn. “You're not even good enough to be called, Third. Rate.”

‘I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! BUCK this tournament, I’m out of here!’

With a thousand years of pony evolution in her hooves, Twitchy leapt from the table and charged toward the door with wild abandon, her prior thoughts of honor forgotten.

In Twitchy’s absence, the Grandmaster simply leaned back in her chair and sighed, not even bothering to watch her go. Had she stuck around though, she would have seen those projected eyes widen in surprise as they fell upon the only stallion in the room.

“Anon...”