The Long And Short Of It

“And as you can see, if I exile this program I can then play this other program to return it to my hoof. After that I’ll tap these two factories to play it again, draining you for another two life...”

Cut N. Paste groaned. It was the first turn, and either this mare got the luckiest first draw ever, or she was a master at sleight of hoof. Cut hadn’t even been able to even play her first card, and her opponent’s combo had already drained her for six life. She hated decks like this, but luckily, the mare’s almost perfectly clean-cut appearance clued her into this kind of no-fun possibility, so she’d brought an equally unfun deck to bear.

‘If only it would be my turn already!’

“And since this card untaps my factory again I think I’ll—”

“Oh, Anon, not here!” That sudden statement stopped both Cut’s and her opponent’s trains of thought in their tracks. It was Pike, and her voice was noticeably huskier.

“But honey,” Anon replied, “what sort of stallion would I be if I didn’t attend to such a luxurious tuft anytime, anywhere?”

‘Oh no.’

Turning her head slowly to look behind her, Cut saw Anon and Pike were trying a new bit to throw her opponent off her game. They were sitting in just the perfect position that any time the opposing mare looked up at her, she wouldn't be able to avoid seeing a sordid scene. That scene? Anon grooming Pike’s tuft in the middle of the store.

Cut’s mouth fell open as Pike cast a salacious glance at their stallion. “Well, if you insist.”

Anon, in an admittedly impressive display of magical prowess, formed one of his hands into a magically constructed tuftbrush and began running it through Pike’s tuft. “My my, how do you keep it so soft?”

Tearing her eyes away from the scene, Cut saw it was already working wonders against her opponent. She’d completely forgotten about her cards, and instead, was taking glances between Pike’s tuft and her own, letting out pained groans of inadequacy all the while. She was completely enthralled by the show, unable to play a single card.

Unfortunately, Cut was too. She felt her head turning, almost unconsciously, back towards her herd, watching as Anon ran that brush through Pike’s decadent fuzz...

‘H-How come he’s the only one who gets to shove his face into it...?’

‘What?! N-NO! Bad dyke thoughts!’

Ripping her head back to the game, Cut realized that if she played her cards fast enough, maybe the dyke thoughts wouldn’t be able to catch up to her! “I play a black factory and a 1/1 Trashy Cyborg!”

Cut’s shout broke the spell on her opponent too. Who, based on the look on her face, may have been in the same boat as Cut. “I play a blue factory and uh, uh, end my turn!” Unfortunately for her, her whole deck was built around taking her time. And she wasn’t.

Reacting as fast as she could, Cut practically tore the top card from her deck.

‘Oh, perfect!’

“I tap my factory to play this Company Mandate that makes all your blue factories black for the rest of the game!”

“BUCK!”

Cut N. Paste was feeling pretty great. That last card had apparently hard countered her last opponent so well that she was forced to give up on the spot!

‘Sucks to be a mono-blllllllllllue!’

As a bonus, she’d beat her so fast that Cut was able to escape her dyke thoughts! No ma’am, lingering desire to shove her face into Pike’s tuft here! Cut is a straight mare! A straight mare who’s in the semifinals! Only one more game and she’d be against the grandmaster in the final match! Something that was only a certainty because the pony the grandmaster was supposed to face in the semi-finals had fled the store in fear. Just like all the previous challengers. But, Cut would cross that bridge once she defeated… Cut squinted hard at the board and did a double take.

‘Xebony Darknessx?’

She stared at the nametag for a moment, before the mare herself took the seat across from Cut. As she did, things became perfectly clear. Sitting before her was a lanky thestral mare, so caked in LARP paint (‘it's NOT makeup!’) and fur dye that the earth pony couldn't even begin to guess what her natural colors were; the mare at the table was an indescribable mish-mash of white, black, and red. Not a moment of color theory or planning went into her look, and it was obvious why:

She was dressed as her own Queendom Hearts OC.

With all the flourish of somepony who’d read too much manga, the thestral practically slammed her deck onto the table face up, proud to show her theme. Based on the fact the card was a black construct that required no less than five black productions, Cut was willing to bet every card in that deck was black.

“As the 15th member of Organization Thirteen,” Xebony shouted, “I will use the power of darkness to defeat you!”

Cut could hear when Anon did a spit take from behind her when he heard ‘Organization Thirteen’. It was an impressive feat, considering she didn’t think he was drinking anything.

‘Hmmm, the best counter to a mono-black deck then is probably a blue/red aggro…’

Suddenly, Cut changed her mind. She wouldn’t just play whatever deck best countered her opponent’s. She didn’t need to.

Reaching into her saddlebag, Cut pulled out the perfect deck. “Everypony knows Dream Drop Distance sucked.” Dramatically slamming her own deck onto the table the same way Xebony did, Cut revealed her deck’s theme: colorless production. “Real Organization Thirteen members use nothingness.”

Xebony gasped. “How dare you! That series was great! I’ll defeat you in the name of Master NoHeart!”

Already anticipating the looks they’d have on their faces, Cut looked over her shoulder at Anon and Pike who’d taken their places behind her. Anon, as she expected, looked like he was only barely holding back his laughter, while Pike’s expression was deeply disturbed.

“Sit this one out, you two. I’ve got this.”

“PATHETIC!” Cut bellowed. “Nothingness! Is! Eternal!”

Anonymous was happy for her, he really was. She’d really gotten into this semi-finals game. From what he could gather, the two of them were completely entrenched roleplaying a Kingdom Hearts game. Truly, it seemed Kingdom Hearts was the autism that transcended all dimensions.

‘How fitting.’

“Wrong! All things begin in darkness!” Shouted the thestral mare wearing a pound of make-up. “And so shall all end! Including your behemoth!”

Anon could hear Pike sigh for the umpteenth time tonight from his side. “I honestly can’t tell if this is better or worse than when she was screaming at the filly.”

He chuckled as he nudged her with his elbow. “Cut her some slack, it's charming!” For some reason, that statement made her roll her eyes. Anon had to voice his indignation. “Hey!”

“You said the same thing about me blearily echolocating the bathroom at five AM,” she retorted.

Anon harrumphed, turning away from her in faux-indignation. “And it was! In fact, I’d have even called it...” Cracking a smile, he glanced back at her while she kept her head toward Cut’s table. “...Cute.”

In a moment, Pike had leapt to her hooves, and was gesticulating wildly. “HEY! My tribe did NOT spend the past several millennia magically honing our senses to hunt monsters at maximum efficiency for you to call it CUTE!”

“I dunnoooo~ooooo!” he playfully replied, “I bet Cut would call it cute too.”

Now it was Pike’s turn to harrumph and playfully look away. “As if! She understands the sis code! She’d never!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

As Xebony cried out in despair, Cut N. Paste smiled like a madmare; she’d just stuck the killing blow! Standing up on her chair, she threw a hoof towards her opponent and cried out in triumph. “YES! Without anything to block my flying golems, your life points drop to ZERO!”

With a commitment to the bit that even impressed Cut, the thestral mare threw herself out of her chair and onto the floor with a painful thud. Once on the ground, she posed dramatically. Putting one hoof over her heart, she desperately reached the other out in front of her. “Impossible! Queendom Hearts, fill me with the power of darkness!” she exclaimed with all the finality of a dying mare. Holding the pose for just a moment more, she then fell limp with a “bleh.”

Almost simultaneously, Cut felt the adrenaline leave her body, and she limply fell back onto her chair. Now that it was gone, she realized she’d been panting!

‘Mare, that was intense.’

Cut was honestly a little surprised that she’d won that. Colorless decks were really hard to run. But, she’d done it! All on her own, without Pike or Anon helping out!

Speaking of, the feeling of Anon’s hoof on her shoulder informed Cut they’d left their seats to join her side. “Bravo, bravo!” Anon said as he came into view, grinning widely. “I wish I brought my camera.”

Despite herself, Cut blushed with pride (and a bit of embarrassment). Normally, letting a coltfriend see a mare act out a Queendom Hearts RP through a card game would be unthinkable. But since Anon was her coltfriend...

“See, we told you you could do it!” Pike chimed in as she came around to Cut’s other side. Giving her a playful punch in the shoulder and a smile, Pike continued. “That was the semifinals too. So she wasn’t going easy on you!”

With a surprise boop, Anon pulled Cut’s attention back to him. “Don’t think you’re getting out of showing me all that scott-free though. I am absolutely going to make you do a Kingdom Hearts sex RP one of these nights and I will be laughing my flanks off the entire time.”

Cut could feel her pupils turning into hearts.

‘What could I have possibly done to deserve this colt?’

“As long as you’re Karl and I get to be Sukai.” Cut declared. “Oh! And-and Pike can be Rikku!”

She could hear Pike groan. “I’ll sit that one out. Thank you very much.”

Her reaction elicited a smile like Discord himself from Anon. “You sure, hon? Don’t you want to rave about the power of darkness while I ‘battle’ you with my ‘keyblade’?”

Cut turned back toward Pike, trying to gauge her reaction. What started as a steadfast frown, slowly turned around at the thought of trying to ‘conquer’ the two of them with ‘darkness.’ “Okay, maybe.”

“Yes!” Cut quietly cheered.

A sudden fourth voice interrupted them. “If you three are quite done discussing your freaky sex plans...” Almost in sync, the three of them swiveled their heads toward the source. It was one of the judges, who’d approached while all of them were distracted. “...then the Grandmaster awaits you in her chambers.” The mare gestured with her hoof toward the curtain, which suddenly seemed so much more imposing and imperious than it had before.

Cut swallowed nervously.

This mare, the grandmaster, had managed to terrify this whole room of flankholes enough for every one of them to run in fear at the mere thought of playing against her. What did she do? Sure, Cut had been doing great so far, but could she really measure up to that?

While these questions consumed Cut, they certainly didn’t seem to be bothering her companions.

“Fuck yeah, I’m still mad about that smoke bomb from earlier. Let’s kill this cunt!”

“Anon you can’t say that!”