The Long And Short Of It

Anonymous’ shouted declaration hung tensely in the air. Or, he supposed, he wished it hung tensely. Despite the continued racket, it only took a few moments for the stallions to go from startled to nonchalant. It seemed like Anon was the only one that was even remotely concerned.

“Must he come in through the window?” Blueblood whined.

With one last slam, something in the fenestration finally gave way and Anon was hit with a sudden blast of cold air from the outside world. It made him appreciate having a coat: he could hardly feel it! Although, it didn’t seem to be helping his fellow unicorns much, considering how they’d all started moaning and groaning about the chilly air.

Stallions really were just prissy bitches, he supposed.

Following the sudden rush of cold air, Anon’s eyes were led to the window that was the source of the racket, and the stallion who’d just entered through it. What was immediately apparent was he was a Pegasus, and an old one at that. Whatever color his mane once was, now was a steely gray—which did not go great with his dark orange coat, but Anon had to give him props for not caving in and dying it.

What was far more noticeable, however, was the brown flight jacket he wore. Specifically, the massive collection of patches and pins adorning that jacket. Anon would’ve needed to be high as a kite not to notice those! Just looking at a few of them told him everything he needed to know about this guy: he was a Wonderbolt, and proud of it.

As he stepped into the parlor proper, Anon realized the pegasus had been grumbling to himself. “Fifty-five thirty. That’s a whole five minutes slower than last time,” he muttered.

Meanwhile, the other stallions had all started comically shivering. “Design, I asked you to please come in the front door this time!” Blueblood cried in full whine mode.

The now-named Design trotted over to the seats and plopped himself down without a care. “And I told you that it's much faster if I come in through the window instead of wasting all that time!” He threw an accusatory hoof towards Anon. “Besides, he seems to be doing just fine.”

With borderline comedic timing, the moment the newcomer was settled in his seat, all the other stallions stood up. Blueblood let out one of his customary huffs and declared, ”Anonymous should never be used as a litmus test for anything.”

‘HEY hold on there! Sure I’m not exactly the ‘average stallion’, but that’s just uncalled for!’

Resisting the urge to cross his forehooves, Anon angled a searing gaze toward him.

Blueblood blanched when he caught Anon’s stare. “No offense,” he weakly added.

Feeling a bit huffy himself, Anon didn’t hesitate to snark back. “Where are you all even going? Gonna go sit in the hallway?”

Before Blueblood could continue the cycle of snark however, Golden cut in. “The sauna, of course!”

‘Oh shit, that must have been what Blueblood stepped out of when I got here!’

That perked Anonymous right up. Any sauna in this place was probably swanky as hell! Plus, there was no way in hell Fancy wanted him to be wearing those fancy outfits of his in there. Channeling his newfound enthusiasm, Anon threw himself off the couch and onto his hooves. Making no effort to wait for the others to make a move, Anon made a beeline for that door.

Anonymous had been right on the money; this bathhouse was something out of a Roman fantasy. Wall to wall marble, and a giant communal bath to boot. A communal bath that was at juuuust the perfect temperature to make Anon forget he'd ever been cold.

Unfortunately, he was currently in no position to take it in and enjoy it.

“GO, GO, GO, GO!” the other stallions chanted.

Anon had never chugged wine before, but it honestly wasn't that bad. Smooth at least, but like all things pony, it was very sugary. But before he knew it, the bottle had been emptied and he’d let it float away from him. The stallions all gave him a little “well done” cheer, bringing how bizarre all this was back to the front of his mind. He hadn’t taken these guys to be the chugging type, but he supposed they really were no different than a bunch of sorority girls with a high society sheen.

And just like sorority girls, they clearly loved getting fucked up!

They were going to get him pretty fucked up too at this rate. He was still trying to pace himself, but they were making it so very difficult. They’d kept the wine flowing like water and everytime they took a drink themselves, it just made him thirstier. It's the same sort of feeling as when someone yawns and it makes you want to yawn too. Except with drinking, obviously.

‘...is drinking contagious for ponies? I feel like I read that one time.’

‘Maybe... maybe I should just ask Blue for a glass of water then.’

Doing a quick check towards him, Anon saw Blueblood was busy shouting at two poolside guards. Probably trying to get that window fixed, he supposed.

‘Hmmm, better leave him be for now.’

Letting himself drift in the pool, Anon perused his other options for entertainment in the meantime. Floating past Fancy, Golden, and Caesar, he saw that in true drunk party fashion, they were already knee deep in a new conversation.

‘Eh, pass.’

Continuing on, he spied the new guy resting by himself a little ways away from Blueblood.

‘Perfect! He’s clearly some kind of sports guy, maybe he’ll be a little more my speed?’

Anon started horsey paddling his way, although his path hardly led ‘straight’ to him. Surely it was just because he was not used to swimming in this body. Surely. Absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol.

‘Just think about it like rowing a boat! You’re veering a little to the right, so just paddle harder with your right!’

He smiled to himself. ‘There we go, now I’m back on tra—aaaaand I can’t see that guy anymore.’

‘Wait, left. Paddle with my left. Alright, that’s better. Now he’s back in view AND I’m heading towards him.

‘...And he’s chuckling!?’

“...never would have survived Wonderbolts initiation,” he muttered to himself.

Anon failed to hold back a pout at that.

‘Pl~eeeeeease! I’d have been fine. What could they have done, butt-chug wine?’

“So,” he began as Anon drew closer, “you’re that reporter, right?”

‘Aha! My reputation once again precedes me!’

‘…Shit, I should probably make some attempt to live up to it, then.’

He was technically still on the clock, after all.

Scrambling, just a little, Anon’s hooves thankfully found purchase on the bottom of the pool. Pretty quickly too; almost like the whole pool was only about a foot or two deep. Consciously choosing to believe he couldn’t have stood up the whole time and didn’t just make a massive fool of himself, Anon stretched out a hoof for a bump. “Yes sir. Anonymous of the Canterlot Canterer, at your service!”

A smile almost two feet wide broke out on the old Pegasus’ face.

‘‘Boy is this guy glad to see me! …Really glad. Hmm.’

“Dubois Design,” he says with a firm bump back, “Ex-Wonderbolt.”

‘Ooh, there was more than a little venom in that ‘ex’. Perhaps there’s a bit of a story there?’

As if sensing his curiosity, Dubois followed up. “Came here hoping for a big scoop, eh?”

Well, he was right, but Anon didn’t really feel like he should say it. Although ‘retired athlete’ might be the one type of guy in this wacky world who would’ve preferred him to be frank.

‘Might as well take the chance, see what happens.’

“Yeah. More or less.”

The pony’s grin only grew. “Oh do I have the story for you, then!”

‘Yes! Mom was right! Honesty really IS the best policy! …Sometimes!’

Dubois leaned towards Anon, in a way the unicorn would almost describe as conspiratorial. “What if I told you one of my dearest friends was wrongfully discharged from the Wonderbolts some years ago? AND the scandal involved an Element of Harmony?”

‘Wait, an Element of Harmony? As in, one of those big national heroes, THE Elements of Harmony?’

‘Holy shit. This might be an actual story!’

With unrestrained glee, Anon leaned in himself, like a true co-conspirator. “I’d say that I was very interested to hear more.”

At that, it looked like he’d just made the dude’s day. He was grinning ear to ear, and then some.

‘Guess he’s really eager to get this out!’

‘But it is kind of odd that nothing about this has crossed my desk yet. Seems like the kind of thing my sources would have brought right to—’

“And before you ask,” Dubois said, cutting off Anon’s musings, “Yes I’ve tried breaking this story for years, but no one’s ever willing to listen to me! And you know why?”

Despite it obviously being a rhetorical question, he let it hang for dramatic effect. Normally Anon would’ve been rolling his eyes, but he had to admit, Dubois had him a little hooked! The unicorn had a small inkling of what that reason might be, and oh boy did he hope he was right! That magic word that sells papers like hotcakes. Anon was practically vibrating with excitement at the mere thought of it!

“The same reason Wind Rider was discharged in the first place! SEXISM! Plain and simple.”

‘JACKPOT!’

‘Holy shit I just hit the motherlode!’

Dubois had just finished spilling the beans to Anonymous, and oh what beans they were.

Wind Rider was a pretty big deal in the Wonderbolts back in the day; his biggest accomplishment being to prove that stallions deserved to be on the A-team with the mares. But they’d apparently been trying to phase him out, doing away with everything that referenced him and his accomplishments. And to cap it all off, he found out they’d intended to give his long-distance speed record to a mare! Then when he protested, of course, they dishonorably discharged him! A living legend, cast out for standing up for himself.

‘This is great, this story is everything I could have wanted out of this little get-together!’

Taking another celebratory swig, (‘when did that wine bottle show up?’) Anon expressed what may well be the first genuine indignation he’d felt in his professional career.

“That’s fucking unbelievable.”

Honestly, he actually felt a little bad for this Rider guy. Sure, he stood to make a shit ton of cash off his story, but blowing this thing open might actually be helpful to somebody! This is the exact kind of stuff he wanted to report on!

Dubois clearly shared his enthusiasm; the stallion was just as amped as Anon was. “That’s what I said! It was bad enough they gave a mare his record. So I told them if Wind Rider’s not a Wonderbolt, I’m not either!”

‘Hell yeah, you tell ‘em, dude!’

Oh, he could already see the headline: “Sleazy Sky Scandal Saps Stallion’s… something!”

‘Okay maybe I can’t quite see the headline. Yet!’

Although, it was rather odd that nobody had broken this story yet. This entire world is sexist, sure, but surely someone else would have cared enough to talk about such an obvious injustice...

“Ahem.”

The sudden sound behind him had Anon whipping around—and that had him nearly hurling from the sudden sense of vertigo.

“Ah, Caesar!” Dubois called out, identifying the stallion Anon was entirely too nauseous to recognize, “I was just telling Anonymous here about Wind’s horrible encounter with that Element of Loyalty. How did mares like that even end up as our national icons?”

Once the room had stopped spinning, he did indeed see Caesar. ‘How’d he get behind me without me noticing?’

Caesar wore a grimace like he’d smelled something foul. “Ah, yes. It's interesting that both Blue and yourself have managed to run afoul of one of the elements. A rarity, or so I’m told.”

‘Oooh, is that a hint of spice I’m detecting there?’

That’s the most he’d seen out of Caesar all night! That pegasus must have done something that really pissed him off. Dubois seemed unbothered though, waving it off with a, “Humph.” He cast a glance at Caesar. “Most stallions are just too starstruck to see through them!”

Anon had no horse in this race, so he simply sat by. Sadly, Caesar capitulated first, and took a deep breath before heaving a weary sigh. “Regardless, may I speak to Anonymous pri—”

“Hold on, DID SOMEPONY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT RARITY JUST NOW?” At that, Caesar was immediately forgotten, and Anon turned his attention to Blueblood as he sped over to the three of you with all the glee of a schoolgirl.

‘Jesus, he must be really hung up on whatever happened between him and that mare.’

The moment for that had clearly passed, yet he dragged it back there anyway. Ironic, considering how Anon could vaguely recall hearing that that whole debacle was mostly Blueblood’s fault...

Caesar spoke up again, sounding even more worn out than he had before. “Blue, please do—”

Only to be cut off again, this time by Dubois. “Oh you remember what happened to my poor friend, don’t you Blue?”

A true gossip in every sense of the word, Blueblood’s smile looked like it was about to split his face. “Oh, of course... Want to trade stories again anyway?”

“With pleasure!”

And just like that, the two stallions were off in their own little world. Anon supposed it was just as well: he needed to write down those juicy, juicy details before he forgot them! Remembering how he’d left his notepad back in the other room, he decided he’d just hop out and—

“Erk!”

Anon let out the involuntary sound as a foreleg suddenly hooked itself around him. It seemed that whatever Caesar wanted couldn’t wait, as he suddenly found himself being pulled away from the other two stallions at a frankly shocking speed.

‘It seems even Earth Pony stallions are not to be trifled with.’

Sure, he could have struggled against it, but Anon also didn’t really feel like it. “Hey Caeee~zah. While we’re out and about, could you take me by my pad?”

He largely ignored Anon’s question, and instead just grimaced a little as he continued to drag the unicorn along. Anon barely noticed, but it seemed he was trying to put as much distance between him and Dubois as possible. This set off Anon’s internal snoop alarm, and it was with no small amount of disgust that he realized how finely tuned that alarm had become. On the upside, if his senses were right, he was about to get even more story material!

Eventually, the two of them reached an edge of the oversized tub and Caesar laid Anon down on it. Seeing no reason to right himself, Anon left his head resting on the side of the pool. From there, he had a perfect view of Caesar looking back toward the others.

‘Ooooh, something he doesn’t want them to hear?’

“Listen, Anonymous, I must strongly advise against writing about anything Dubious told you.”

‘Dubious? He said his name was Dubois! Bah. I’ll file that under ‘things to figure out later’.’

“Why th’ heck not?” Anon slurred. “Wind Rider didn’t deserve that! HELL no!”

Curiously, Caesar looked frankly disgusted at what he’d just said. Odd considering how much of a champion for stallions Winder Rider was. Although, that look did fall off his face almost as quickly as it had appeared. “Ah, I suppose you wouldn’t have heard. You’re no sports correspondent.”

His words had a bad memory cued up in short order. One from all the way back when he’d first been hired! Now Anon was the one who looked like someone had shit in his coffee. “Bah! Don’t remind me. All they’d’ve let me report on was shit like minor league softball. Who gives a fuck about that!?”

That was twice in a row now he’d said something that clearly surprised Caesar. At least this time he was leaning more towards shock than disgust. “What stallion doesn’t like minor league softball?” he whispered in horror.

Anons’ inebriated mind refused to even humor the idea that minor league softball was popular on a wide scale, so he retreated further into his thoughts. Though, in hindsight, would that really have been such a bad gig? Maybe not, but at least with his current title, he occasionally got to break actual stories. Who could forget the time he indirectly caused an international incident! Good times.

‘Oh fuck Caesar’s been talking this entire time.’

“Furthermore, I think we can both agree that was fairly out of line. Right?”

‘Fuck. There’s no polite way to say ‘I wasn’t listening’, is there?’

Anon grimaced at his faux-pas. “Caez, I won’t lie, Imma need you to take it from the top again.”

He seemed understanding at least, expressing no indignant anger or pouting. However he didn’t seem prepared to restart his tirade either. Instead he looked at Anon the way he imagined a fraternity brother would at a pledge who’d bitten off more than he could chew.

“Anonymous,” he said as he placed a comforting hoof on his withers, “have you been getting your spacers? You only need to ask.”

‘Spacer?’ Now that was a phrase he hadn’t heard since college. Presumably it still meant a glass of water.

“And don’t feel like you need to keep with us bottle for bottle. We were the reigning champions whenever Jet Set hosted at his vineyard!” Caesar said with no small amount of pride.

‘Jesus, no wonder I’m falling apart at the seams. I’ve been unintentionally trying to match a bunch of bona-fide wine-o’s this whole time!’

It was just like the time he’d been chasing after his friend with the horrible chronic pain in the blunt rotation. Except with alcohol this time, obviously.

‘Better slow down before this also ends with you throwing up everywhere.’

“I-I could really go for one, sure,” Anon stammered.

Not even wasting a moment, Caesar hoisted himself out of the pool. “Alright, wait here and I’ll be right back. And don’t listen to Dubious! I’ll bring you up to speed when I’m back.”

Anon simply grunted in affirmation as the gray stallion turned tail and headed back the way they came. He didn’t bother watching the guy go; he was content to simply stare off aimlessly as he marinated in his thoughts.

‘Wonder what Pike and Cut are up to right now...?’

“Ooooooh stallions!” Blueblood suddenly called out, drawing his, and everyone else in the pool’s attention towards him. “I’m told our little draft problem has been fixed! Now, I do believe we were promised a bit of a fashion show?”

With that, all eyes turned to Anon, and he found himself with a choice to make. He could just call it quits now that he had the Wind Rider story; it’d be more than enough for the paper. But...

But... he could go two for two.

‘Wind Rider AND Fancy’s new line? That’d be quite a niiiiiiiice Christmas bonus.’

Shooting himself upright, Anon shouted, “Fuck it, let’s do it."