The Long And Short Of It

It took two whole ciders before Cut N. Paste felt like she could leave the relative safety of the kitchen. Another, and she actually felt calm enough to mingle. To be honest, Cut had no idea what Anon was going on about, so she just headed over toward Pike; she could at least introduce the earth pony to most of these strangers. As Cut got close to the guardsmares gathered around the coffee table, the conversation started to fade in...

“And I can’t believe you just left me there, Sarge!” said the one Cut recognized as Rook.

“Oh noooooooo!” slurred Astral, “Pike ABANDONED you to be ogled by a bunch of rich, hot, tigers? We need a court martialing, now!”

Pike spotted Cut coming and scooted over on the couch, giving her a place to sit. She gladly took it, of course, and silently let the argument play out.

“Blue’s not a tiger!” Rook protested, “He’s only twenty-eight! B-Besides, you haven’t seen them! It's like swimming with sharks!”

“Sharks that’ll *hic* blow your back out and pay your bills,” Astral snarked.

“Don’t be so crude,” responded Night Sky, the mare Cut met earlier, “but Rook, surely you’re over-exaggerating.”

“I’m not!” Rook shuddered as she recalled the event. “They get this look in their eyes, like I’m just a piece of meat to them, an... object.” The horror on her face abruptly shifted to what Cut would almost call guilt. “Is... Is that how we look to the stallion guards?”

Suddenly, Cut felt some sort of movement from the back of the couch. Looking over her shoulder, she was shocked to see Cloak. She’d silently crept up and draped herself over the back of the couch and nearly onto Cut.

‘I really wish she’d stop doing things like that…’

As Cloak began to speak, Cut noticed she was almost stage whispering. It had the cadence of a whisper, but was easily heard over the other ponies in the room. “Maybe it's because they’re sharkponies!” She looked left and right before continuing. “Their mares already come onto land to drag our stallions to their underwater acropolis, their stallions must mare-hunt on land too!”

“OI!” Astral shouted with an accusatory point of her hoof, “Shut yer crap, Cloak! No one wants to hear your insane conspiracies, they want to hear mine!” With that, Astral scrambled forward, right into Rook’s face. “Everypony’s heard the rumors that those upper-class stallions made a multi-stallion herd! Is it true? Did they ask you to join it while eyeing you up?”

“Ugh,” groaned a disgusted Night, “And what, they started kissing each other and let Rookie watch?” She followed up by reaching over and roughly shoving Astral back into her seat. “Grow up, Officer.”

Anonymous frowned as he noticed someone standing off to the side, alone — someone he’d actually wanted to be here no less: Silken Evening. She was over by the entertainment center, idly picking through his DVDs.

‘Better go check on her.’

Thankfully for the stallion, he remained (literally) unmolested on his journey through the sea of increasingly drunken mares. Most of them had congregated around the living room, but the party had gone on long enough that it started spilling over into the kitchen. It'd better not spill into the bedroom; he’d already caught Cut’s sister eyeballing the door at least once.

‘It's waaaay too early for shit like that.’

Though now that he stopped to think about it, that’s not the only thing she’d been eyeballing. Cloak, and just about every other mare in the house, had been sneaking peeks at his rear end whenever they thought he wasn’t looking.

‘Hope that doesn’t become a running theme tonight.’

Putting those thoughts aside, Anon was close enough now that he could sneak a peek at exactly what DVD Silken is looking at.

‘Uncut Historical Royal Memoirs, 500 AHW (After Hearth’s Warming)?’

“You know, I’m surprised Pike lets you have these,” Silken said. He was surprised she heard him coming up behind her with all this noise.

‘That’s some Pike-tier hearing right there.’

Speaking of Pike, Anon took the DVD himself and laughed a little. “Oh yeah, she only tolerates these because we let her shit-talk them the whole time.” Uncut Historical Royal Memoirs was a series of historical reenactments, all narrated by Celestia herself. Expectedly, Pike had a lot to say about that. “Last time we watched this she had us take a drink every time Celestia’s flanks were mentioned. It was... a lot more often than I’d expected.”

Silken chuckled before snatching the DVD from Anon and sticking it back on the shelf. “I can’t blame her for that one. You know, the lead Fleur De Lis, a real slender-type unicorn, right?”

Anon nodded; apparently she was the only actress tall enough that the crew didn’t need their lead on stilts to make it look authentic.

“Word is, the Princess wasn’t too happy about her build. So they had to hire an illusion mage to come out just to give poor De Lis a fake flank!”

‘Pffffffft no way!’

Anon couldn’t decide what’s funnier: how absurd that sounded, or how believable it was that Celestia would go through that kind of trouble. Either way, it had the two of them in stitches.

“Jeez, talk about an ego trip!” Anon would have to tell that one to Pike later; she’ll absolutely eat that up.

The laughter kept the two of them going for a while, but not forever. Which in the end, left them with naught but an awkward silence.

“Heh, heh,” Silken chuckled a bit awkwardly. “yeah.”

‘Shit, I have no idea what to talk about.’

The two of them just sort of stood there for a bit, the conversation awkwardly coming to a screeching halt, made worse by the ever-present noise of the party around them. Frankly, Anon felt pretty bad right then. He’d had Silken come under the pretense that this was just going to be a friendly get-together, and it had been horribly mutated beyond recognition. She was clearly not enjoying herself either, considering she's just standing here off to the side.

‘I’d better say something, apologize even.’

“Hey, Silken, I’m really sorry tonight turned out like this. There really weren’t supposed to be this many people. I... I don’t even know where most of them came from and—”

Thankfully, right as Anon was getting worried that the sentence was getting away from him, she cut him off. “Anon, it's fine. I can tell this is pretty far from the shindig you had planned.” As she continued, she glanced out across the room, grimacing ever so slightly. “And it's not bad or anything, but I can’t say how long I’ll stick around. It's not really my scene, you know?”

Oh, did he know.

He definitely couldn’t fault her for that. The stallion could kick all these people out, but that would be a huge pain. Plus, he was pretty sure none of them were total strangers; whichever ones he didn't recognize from the office, Pike seemed to recognize them from the guard. So kicking them out would probably just make things horribly awkward for all parties; better to just ride it out and try again another night.

“But hey, at least I knew one of the ponies who showed up!” Suddenly Silken turned away from Anon and shouted across the room. “Eeey~yo?”

‘Huh, the shout had an almost musical undertone to like, like a bird chirping.’

Fittingly, the response did too.

“Eeeyoo~oo!” The voices’ source trotted out of the crowd shortly after. It was a light blue colored Pegasus, with a cutie mark displaying a cloud in front of the sun. Anon didn’t recognize her from the office, so with a nickname like “Sunny,” he’d have to bet Dayguard.

“Sunny,” Silken greeted her, “I wanted you to meet our host, Anonymous.”

Sunny smiled at him, it was the kind of sleazy smile a frat dude would give when he realized he wasn’t at a sausage party. “Ahh our host with the most,” she said, sticking out her hoof. “Sunlit Vista, Wonderbolt.”

‘A Wonderbolt? Well, isn’t that serendipitous.’

“Part-time,” Silken mockingly added.

“Hey! I’ve flown a whole two missions with them now, I might as well be on the A-team!”

‘Oh, dang. Not so serendipitous, then.’

She probably knew absolutely nothing about Wind Rider. That said, she might have some info he could use.

Anon returned her hoofbump.

“It's good to meet you, Sunlit. I was actually hoping to run into a Wonderbolt...”

Meanwhile, Nocturnal Pike was chillin’ with her sisses. She certainly wasn't expecting nearly the whole squad to roll up, but she wasn’t complaining either. It was nice to do stuff as a group besides poker. Cut seemed a little overwhelmed, but Pike was sure she could handle it. She’s a big filly.

“Okay, but he’s crazy in the shack though, right? I heard the bratty ones are the stallions who buck like ANIMALS!” Astral must have a secret crush on Blueblood or something, because she was not letting this go.

“I-I dunno! I guess?” Rook answered nervously. “Please, can we change the subj—”

“Hey, Anon, is NOT bratty!” Cut drunkenly yelled.

Pike nearly facehoofed as in an instant, all eyes were completely focused on her.

Cut, of course, handled this very well, ducking behind her forehooves and letting out an, ”Eeep!”

With Blueblood all but completely forgotten, Astral bore down on Cut, grinning like a hyena. “But he does buck like an animal, eh?”

Cut futility tried to retreat further behind her hooves. “W-Well I uh, I don’t know if h-he’d be happy with me saying...”

‘Luna’s sakes, Cut, like Anon’s ever shied away from bragging.’

Chugging the rest of her drink, knowing full well she’d need it for what was coming next, Pike answered for her.

“Yeah, he goes pretty hog wild.”

Cut breathed a visible sigh of relief as once again, all eyes shifted — this time, toward Pike. The mares unfamiliar with him had predictably neutral to impressed reactions, while the mares that knew him were a little more varied. Astral herself started laughing triumphantly, while Night and Rook both looked a little shocked.

“I hadn’t pegged him for the type...” Rook mumbled under her breath.

“WOAHAHAHAH! That’s amazing!” Astral squeezed in between guffaws. “I knew he was a real firecracker!” Taking to the air, and spiking Pike’s anxiety as she did, Astral sort of drunkenly flopped around in the air. She was attempting to mime something, but Pike had no idea what until she spoke up again. “Ahehe, does he toss you around sometimes? Use that size he’s got to pin you?”

“Yeah.”

That... Pike didn’t mean to say that. It just sort of slipped out.

Astral stopped mid-air and hung perfectly still.

All the hairs on Pike’s neck started standing up as everypony seemed to lean in toward her just a little bit.

“Pike... are you into maledom?” Astral asks.

‘Oh stars, poker face, don’t fail me now!’

“N-No.”

Pike dared not open her mouth again, lest she spoil the lie. She even tried to make eye contact with Astral to sell it, but unfortunately, that seemed to backfire.

She is Pike’s best friend, after all.

“YOU TOTALLY ARE!”

It was an even split among the gathered ponies between surprise and laughter. The only exception was Cut, who was blushing like a tomato and avoiding eye contact with anypony in the room.

‘I feel that, sister.’

Astral started laughing so hard she actually fell out of the sky to land back on the chair she was sitting in before. “Bwahaha! Pike, into maledom! To think I’ve known you for all these years and never knew!”

Pike felt her heart start to sink.

‘Calm down Pike, this isn’t the end of the world. Liking it rough from Anon is hardly the worst secret you’ve been keeping.’

“S-So, *ahem* So what? He’s a big guy; I like it when he takes advantage of that.”

‘Ooooh I don’t like that look on Night’s face.’

It was the face she made whenever she solved a mystery before anypony else had: smirking, with one eyebrow raised. “Noct, is that why you’ve always had a thing for bigger colts?”

‘EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!’

“Well no but...”

“Come on, Night!” Astral came to Pike’s rescue, “It's probably just natural. She’s like a midget, it’d be impossible for her not to find colts bigger than her! Hahahaha!”

Normally Pike would protest that, and a large part of her wanted to, but frankly, she was much happier about the change in subject than she was mad about being called short.

At least for the moment.

“What about you, Ms. Simp?” Astral said as she abruptly turned on Cut. “Surely Mr. Anonymous must push your buttons in some special way.”

“Yeah, tell us!” Cloak’s voice nearly made Pike jump. She’d forgotten that Cloak had put herself behind the two of them; she’d been dead silent this whole time.

‘Bucking NightStalkers.’

“We’ve got dirt on Pike, now we need yours too!” Cloak continued.

‘Luna, I wish she wouldn’t phrase it like that.’

It clearly had Cut weirded out too: she was just frantically looking around at everypony and stammering out half-formed syllables.

‘Poor Cut.’

‘Wait…’

Pike just had an idea!

‘And Cut could really use the ego boost…’

Pike knew what to say now, and when she spoke, it was with absolute confidence. “It's that Anon likes to suck her brains out through her tits.”

Once again, all the conversations stopped dead in their tracks. This time, shock was the universal expression. Everypony silently looked between Pike and Cut. The earth pony’s cheeks burned brighter than the sun as she tried to shift her back legs to hide her generous assets, but it was no use; all eyes were on them.

“Really?” Astral asked.

“Yeah,” Pike Said. “He’s got a pretty massive fetish for them.”

Everypony was silent for a moment more, before it was broken by something unexpected.

Cloak... cheering...?

“AHA! I told you for years! YEARS! And you never believed me! Stallions who like teats DO exist!” She slapped Cut right on the back. “And look at you now, your dream colt is sucking you silly! You must be the luckiest bitch on the planet!”

Of all the ponies to have infectious enthusiasm, Pike never would have expected Cloak to be able to move anypony. Yet, as she cheered her sister on...

“Well I’ll be darned.”

“What’s it like having your nipples sucked?”

“I-I always thought mine were a little big, do you think he’d—?”

The gathered ponies all started smiling. Cut herself looked like she had no idea how to react; this is probably the most positive attention she’d had at once in her whole life.

Eventually though, she started beaming like the sun.

“W-Well,” she started, “It's kind of like...”

“It was cool meeting you, stal, now if you don’t mind Imma get myself some nachos.”

Anonymous the unicorn bid Sunlit Vista adieu as she headed off for snacks. She didn’t have any information about Wind Rider, unsurprisingly, but she did tell him that Spitfire herself would be in town within the week. Apparently she was the guest of honor at some foals’ charity thing. Now that was a score! She’d be a goldmine, no doubt about that.

Anon never expected to make progress on the Rider case tonight, but he supposed the best things in life are surprises.

As Sunlit Vista made her way back to the snack table, Anon became dimly aware of the fact that with so many extra ponies, he was running out of snacks much faster than he expected.

‘Shit, I should probably get back to the kitchen and make more at some—.’

“Me and Sunny go way back. All the way back to flight school,” Silken began, unintentionally interrupting his train of thought. “She always wanted to be a Wonderbolt, but she could never quite make the cut. I say her making the Dayguard is just as impressive, but what do I know?”

Anon turned back to her and shrugged. “The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.”

Silken laughed, but it had a hard edge to it. “Heh, don’t remind me.”

“ANON!” a voice shouted across the party. Looking towards its source, he spied Astral calling him over. “Anon, get over here!”

He looked at Silken and gestured his head toward the table. “Come on, let’s see what this is about.”

She followed without fuss, and the two of them joined the group of mares all gathered around Pike and Cut. His heart skipped a beat at the way the two of them were literally surrounded, but Cut beaming like a sunflower set his mind at ease. As Anon and Silken abroached, the circle opened up just a bit, allowing him and Silken to sit down and join them.

The questions started the moment he did.

“Did you actually make the cumshot for them!?” Astral nearly shouted.

‘Oh, that’s what this is about?’

‘Kind of a letdown honestly.’

Anon made a sort of half-shrug. “Yeah.”

Immediately the whole circle dissolved into a dozen other questions and side conversations. Some were asking about other sex moves, others were asking Pike what the shot tasted like, and some were asking what the cumshot even was.

It was chaos.

Amid the chaos, Anon felt Silken elbow him from her place next to him. “Did you really?” she asked.

Anon shrugged once more. “Yep, I don’t really know what the big deal about it is. The two of them said it wasn’t even that good.”

Silken chuckled at him. “You know, most stallions’ would consider their fillyfirends asking them to cum inside a shot glass for them ‘debasing’ and ‘humiliating’.”

“Yeah well, most stallions are on some shit.”

“Ha!” she chuckled again, “I guess so. Say that reminds me—”

“WAIT!” This time Astral did shout. “Anon, listen this is important!”

Not wanting to leave a friend hanging, Anon refused to acknowledge Astral at first, instead giving Siken a chance to continue. She just nodded toward Astral, so he turned towards the mare as well. “Hm?”

Astral leaned in and lowered her voice. She was shouting before though, so after lowering it she was only back to ‘nearly shouting’.

“Have the three of you done anal?” She sounded more excited by the prospect than she should.

Especially since he was about to let her down.

“God no, absolutely not.”

“WHAT!?” every mare at the table shouted.

Anon was surprised to see that it included Pike and Cut. They’d never even asked him before!

He supposed they just hadn’t worked up the nerve.

“Why not!?” shouted Astral.

“What do you mean, ‘why not'?” Anon retorted as his face contorted in disgust. “It's gross, that’s why! I don’t want poop on my dick!”

“Come on!” she continued, “That’s what all stallions say! You did the freaking cumshot!”

“Yeah,” Anon said, his annoyance starting creeping into his voice. “And all stallions are right about that one. Why would you even want to do it?!” He threw up his hooves in exasperation. “It's not like there are pleasure nerves IN your butthole!”

Astral raised her hoof, already trying to fire back. “Actually—”

Only to stop dead as Anon’s statement fully dawned on her. As she visibly tried to puzzle out a good response, her gaze slowly dropped along with her hoof. All the way until her hoof was down and she was staring right at the floor.

The rest of the circle lapsed into awkward silence with her; no one was quite able to answer Anon’s question.

Well, until Rook spoke up, that is.

“I dunno, I thought it felt pretty good.”

This time, Anon joined in as everyone shouted, “BLUEBLOOD DOES ANAL!?”