The Long And Short Of It

Silken Evening really had to respect Anon. A lot of stallions weren’t willing to speak half as candidly as he was. There were no double entendres, and no hidden feelings; what you saw is what you got. So while everypony was preoccupied with laughing their flanks off after learning the Prince of Equestria liked to do mares in the butt, Silken had something to ask him.

“Hey.”

Anon was still giggling when he turned away from the poor mare that just blew the Prince’s secret. “Heh, hehehe heehehe. What is it?”

“How would you like to make a couple extra bucks?”

His face scrunched at Silken’s question. “Doing... what exactly?”

‘Oh Celestia dang it Silken don’t phrase it like that! You just made it sound like you’re going to ask him to turn hugs downtown.’

“My model just quit, and I need somepony I can trust not to be weird about it.”

Silken could tell he was still on the fence as an eyebrow shot up. “Weird, how?”

She internally groaned at the memory. It'd happened dozens of times over her career at this point, but the experience has never stopped sucking. It always happened the same way, too. First, she’d bring on a promising new model to model her outfits. Next, Silken would make it clear right from the start that this was strictly a business relationship, and they’d agree every time.

But after a few months, it invariably fell apart.

“The stallions I hire always read too much into it. They model one too many outfits for me and suddenly it becomes, ‘Oh, I can’t stand this tension!’ Or ‘We need to stop playing with each other and admit how we feel!’”

Her mocking impression of her former employees was the kind of thing a vindictive HR department manager would have had a field day with. Anon just ate it up though, bringing back the same laughter he’d only just managed to shake. “Bwah hahaha!”

Which only further proved to Silken that he was the perfect stallion for the job.

“Then I say I don’t poop where I eat and if they don’t quit on the spot, they’ve quit about a week later.” Putting her hooves on his withers, Silken looked directly into his eyes and pleaded. “Please ‘Non. I think I’m going to run out of stallions in Canterlot at this rate.”

If her tone sounded desperate, it's because she was. It was starting to wear on her nerves, especially after the last guy. He’d lasted longer than any of the others; Silken thought she’d finally found a true business partner.

Then it all came crashing down again.

“You don’t even need to quit your job. Just swing by my place a couple of times a week and let me use you as a mannequin!” Silken was practically begging.

Anon looked away from her to think, but he had a smile on his face that gave her a good feeling.

“Hm, won’t I make a bad mannequin though? I’m not exactly of average build.”

Silken didn’t even need to think about the words before they came spilling out. “A little extra work adjusting each outfit is more than worth not needed to find a new model every few months.”

His smile grew as he met her gaze once more. “Pay?”

“Twenty bits an hour plus a discount on anything you buy from me. I know how much you like dressing up your mares.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Silken noticed that the creeper who was hanging out behind Cut had just looked up at her. Silken was about to say something, but before she could, the mare slid back over the backside of the couch and disappeared.

‘Wierdflank.’

“I’ll do it!” Anon suddenly said, much to Silken’s relief.

‘Thank Celestia on high!’

Silken was nearly crying with joy.

‘What a relief!’

Silken couldn’t hide her megawatt smile if she tried. “Then I’ve got some ideas I want to run by you. Let’s find a little privacy...”

It’d been a wild night. So wild that Nocturnal Pike wasn’t sure when it was going to end!

Her squad’s little pow-wow eventually fell apart, scattering everypony across the party. Pike's simply been adrift in the sea of ponies: drinking, chatting, and smiling.

With a heavy emphasis on drinking.

After talking to some mares from Anon’s office of all places, Pike had come to suspect the one who brought all these ponies here was Cloak. She’d overheard Pike talking to Astral, and she seemed to spread the word.

The why, though, was anypony’s guess.

Spite? Trying to force her sister to make some new friends?

Pike had no idea. She hadn't even seen Cloak around in a while, so she couldn’t even ask. But, the absolute worst part was all the ponies she’d brought were eating up Anon’s snacks far faster than anypony anticipated! And Pike couldn’t have that.

Luckily Anon had left out all his recipe notes, so while he and Silken were off discussing... whatever they’d been discussing for the past few hours, it fell to Pike to finish preparing all the stuff he bought. For some reason she had a very strong feeling that she shouldn’t be doing this, but another sip of cider sent those feelings right down the drain!

‘Wheeeeeeeeee!’

‘Take another sip, put some hot sauce in the pot.’

‘Take another sip, add some cream cheese to the pot!’

Whatever this buffalo dip stuff was, it sure sounded good on paper. And, no offense to Anon, Pike was pretty sure it’d be better now that she was making it. She is the princess of this kitchen, after all.

“Pike? What are you doing?” Pike recognized that voice: it’s Astral. Which shouldn’t surprise her; half the squad was there tonight, after all! Which is why she was in there cooking... for them... in front of them...

‘Oh no.’

“Has he seriously got you cooking?!” Astral nearly chokes on her own laughter as she says it. “Hahaha! First the maledom thing and now this! I’m learning so much about you tonight!”

Adrenaline flooded Pike’s veins, which unfortunately made all that alcohol she’d been drinking hit her even harder.

‘Don’t panic, whatever you do, don’t panic. You can still get out of this easily.’

“Well, uh, yeah. It's a mare’s job to help out and—”

Astral howled with laughter once again. “I cannot believe the Nocturnal Pike is saying this to me right now. Oh mare, if the you of one year ago was hearing this, she’d flip!”

Sure, Pike might’ve acted like she was flipping. But deep down...

‘No, Pike, focus! Stay on track.’

“HEY!” came a voice from the floor, “D-DON’T knock Pike’s cooking until you’ve tried it!” It was Cut, and she was so sloppily drunk she was one step away from passing out. She was even lying on the floor already. “Don’t tell my Dad,” she slurred, “But I think she might be even better than him.”

Suddenly, Cut looked panicked. “Wait, don’t tell Cloak I said that either!”

‘Come on, Cut! That’s a really sweet compliment but REALLY not what I want Astral to hear right now!’

Pike’s heart continued to sink as Astral predictably grinned. “Hey, Night,” she shouted, “Come check this out!”

‘Oh no no no no no!’

‘Not my number one AND my number two!’

‘Maybe Night didn’t hear her, the party’s pretty loud and—’

‘—aaaand here she comes.’

“What?” Night Glider asks before taking a swig.

“Check this out!” Astral said, gleefully pointing toward Pike. “Pike COOKS!”

“Wha?” Night asks before slowly turning her head towards the mare in question.

As fast as she could, Pike put the pot she was holding back on the stove and turned the stovetop off. She was certain that by the time Night actually looked at her, her wings were empty and nothing was out of the ordinary!

‘...Aaaaand she just spit out her drink.’

“What the buck?” Night asked, genuinely stunned.

‘Okay, this is bad. This is really really bad.’

‘But it's not the worst! They just know you like cooking... and maledom. You can still salvage this!’

“Oh,” came a fourth voice. “Is this yours then, Sarge?”

Time seemed to slow down, as Pike’s body was frozen in horror. Out from between Night and Astral, came a third member of Pike’s squadron.

Cloak N. Dagger.

And she was carrying Pike’s apron. The colt’s lingerie she occasionally danced around the apartment with while she cooked for Anon.

‘Oh no. Oh no no no no. Oh no no no no no no.’

Pike didn’t even notice that Astral had started talking again. “Okay, that is too far you bucking freak. Raiding her stallion’s drawers for his lingerie, what the actual buck is wrong with you?”

There was a feeling of tightness in Pike’s chest. She was trying to keep a straight face, but she could barely breathe.

Cloak took a horrified step back, but Pike didn’t even notice. “I-I just saw it with Anon’s stuff a-and thought it’d be funny...” she stammered.

But Pike neither truly saw nor heard her; all she could manage to focus on was the baby blue apron hanging on her wing.

‘Why is that here, why does she have it?’

“She’s right, Dagger,” Night added, “we’ve put up with a lot from you over the years, but that is too much. Do you know how many of our subordinates are here!?”

Pike herself was keenly aware.

“Besides, that wasn’t even a good joke. Just because she’s into maledom doesn’t mean she’d wear stallion’s lingerie! That’s just cruel!” Night turned to Pike. “Right P— ...Pike?”

The mare must have looked like a fish who’d jumped out of its tank. Every fiber of her being was focused on trying not to react, but it was impossible.

Her poker face was cracking.

Pike’s chest was so tight she could barely breathe; she wanted to scream.

She wanted to run out the door and keep running until that feeling stopped.

Never in her life had she had a panic attack, but Pike’s guard training had thoroughly familiarized her with the symptoms. And she was about to have one, right there in front of her whole squad.

That thought made it so much worse.

‘Oh Luna, I’m going to scream, I’m going to—’

“YOU!”

A couple of precious moments before:

Silken and Anonymous the unicorn had been discussing new ideas for the past hour, maybe longer.

“And that’s what I want to do for my new O&O tie-in line. That just leaves...” Unexpectedly, she tailed off mid-sentence, something behind the stallion catching her eye. “What the buck?”

Looking over his shoulder, Anon asked, “What is it?” but Silken didn’t need to answer. Standing there, in the kitchen, was Cut’s sister holding Pike’s apron.

Anon whirled around to face the bedroom door, and saw it was wide open.

‘God damn it, when did she get in there!?’

Whirling back to the kitchen, he saw a much more concerning point. Pike was shaking horribly and gasping for air.

‘Oh my God, is she about to have a panic attack?’

Anon frantically scanned the room. Thankfully, nopony else had noticed yet.

‘Fuck, I’ve got to do something fast.’

‘If she actually has a full-blown panic attack right here, right now…’

Losing her composure like that in front of her squad would kill her.

Cut was on high alert too; Anon could see her scrambling to her hooves in order to try and do something. But it wouldn’t be enough, as she could barely stand.

Anon’s mind raced. He had to find something that would get all attention off of Pike and keep it off of her.

‘But what!? As long as there are ponies here then—’

‘Wait, that’s it!’

‘I’ve got to get them out of here!’

Anon’s countenance lit up. Stallions are known for being bitchy, and his reputation was already that of a weirdo! He’d make a bigger embarrassment of himself right here, right now, than Pike ever could!

‘I just need a reason! Some stupid reason!’

His eyes tore the scenery apart, desperately hoping to find some faux-pas he could use before it's too late.

Then, he saw it.

On the couch there was a mare from the office drinking from a bottle.

And she’d just put that bottle on his end table without a coaster.

“Sorry, gotta go!” he said to Silken before pouring magic into his horn.

This shit had to be big from start to finish, and he had just the trick up his sleeve to do it. In a flash, Anon teleported across the room directly onto his coffee table—and right in front of the mare. The stallion appeared in a burst of magic and brimstone that sent various cups and bottles flying. He didn’t even give her a moment to process this before he started shouting.

“YOU!”

The party fell silent.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?”

All eyes were on Anon and the poor mare.

‘Perfect.’

She looked terrified, too. The table only added to his already unnatural height, letting him tower over her and the very low couch.

“Uh, I’m drinking?” she weakly answered.

“And putting that drink down where, exactly?” he asked, leaning in closer.

She grew increasingly flustered as her eyes looked to the end table. “O-On the table?”

“Without. A. Coaster?”

Her eyes widened and she swallowed. “W-Without a coaster.”

Anon stood up to his full height, channeling all the anger he felt towards Cut’s sister for invading his privacy. “And how many of you have been DRINKING without coasters?”

He saw a good portion of the party raise their hooves and he knew he’d hit the jackpot. So before he started smiling, he started shouting.

“GET OUT! ALL OF YOU, OUT!”

Anon started pointing around the room at every mare who admitted to forgoing a coaster.

“YOU! OUT OF MY HOUSE! YOU, OUT! I WANT ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!”

He started launching out a few lightning bolts for effect—not real ones of course, but that spellbook said they were so authentic they ‘might start a stampede'.

And boy did they.

All the mares he called out immediately charged for the door, most of them leaving their drinks where they lay. Even the ones he hadn’t called out had started nervously eyeing the door.

He needed more.

‘Time to go even more unhinged.’

Without missing a beat, he pointed at one of the mares from his office. “YOU! Your coat color is UGLY! UGLY UGLY UGLY! THE ONLY MARE THAT KEPT YOU FROM CLASHING WITH MY CARPET IS GONE! GET OUT!”

She and a few others wasted no time booking it, revealing something he hadn’t seen. There, on the living room carpet, was some nacho cheese. Nacho cheese that had been there for hours, and been stamped INTO THE CARPET.

Instantly, Anon’s rage stopped being an act.

Pointing right at the stain, he screamed his loudest scream yet. “WERE ALL OF YOU RAISED IN A FUCKING BARN!? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT’S GOING TO TAKE ME TO CLEAN!? GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!”

He held that scream on the last word, all the while firing off lightning bolt after lightning bolt from his horn. Even Astral and Night were fleeing for their lives, leaving only Cut, Pike, Silken, and himself. The last one out the door was actually Cloak, and right as she was crossing the threshold, he sent out a dozen conjured hands to pick her up and toss her the rest of the way out. The last he heard from her was a painful-sounding thud as he slammed the door behind her.

Once the door was closed and he was entirely sure they were gone, he slumped straight down. All the energy had left him so fast he nearly tumbled off the table. He caught himself at the perfect moment though, and instead safely stepped down to the floor.

‘Thank God for Pike’s low-ass furniture.’

Before he could address the situation with Pike, the sound of clapping distracted him.

It was Silken. Her jaw was nearly on the floor, but she was clapping. “That was... wow,” she said.

Anon trotted over to her. “Tha—”

Holy shit, his voice was so horse (heh) he could barely hear himself. “Ahem ahem ahem. Thank you.”

‘Damn, I’m definitely losing my voice after that.’

“I’m sorry Silken,” he pressed out, “but I’m going to have to ask you to leave too.”

She shrugged. “It's fine, I get it. Go make sure she’s okay.”

And just like that, Silken took off right out the window Astral had originally come in through.

Anon wasted no time after that, sprinting back over to the kitchen where he found Cut wordlessly huddling over Pike, shielding her from the world. As Anon approached, she leaned back so he could see.

Pike had completely passed out, but not before throwing up all over poor Cut’s underside.

It seemed that all the adrenaline and alcohol had taken their toll.

Anon gave Cut a pat on the shoulder for a job well done. “Good going, Cut. Now let’s get you two cleaned up and all of us into bed.”

He’d have to talk with Pike about what happened, but not now. Now it was time for bed.

But if there was one upside to all of this, he’d learned one thing for sure tonight:

‘When it comes to making sure parties are wild, you’ve still got it.’