The Long And Short Of It

Anonymous the Unicorn stirred in his slumber. After the day he’d had yesterday, he felt like he could’ve slept for a week. Nevertheless, Celestia always brought up that damn sun of hers, so there he was, waking up once again. Gently moving one big old hoof around the covers, Anon played out an unusual morning ritual that had worked its way into his repertoire. Eventually he bumped it into someone, and a quick ruffle of her fur confirmed that it was Cut. Then a thought occurred to him: was it weird that he was able to tell Pike and Cut apart by how fuzzy they are?

‘Hmmm.’

Trying to avoid the harsh reality of the answer to that question, Anon continued idly running his hoof through Cut’s fur. He didn’t know what the mare’s been doing, but it’s been a lot softer recently! Cut clearly appreciated the attention, cooing softly in her sleep and scooting up against him. Heh, if Pike was his huggable living teddy bear, Cut was his squeezable living pillow.

And speaking of his living teddy bear... she didn’t seem to be around. Or at least he couldn’t feel her. Which was odd; it was a rarity for Pike not to either be on top of or under him in some way, seeing as her bat brain seldom had her waking up before he did. He’d often wondered how she doesn’t find those positions uncomfortable, but then again, Anonymous had never found them uncomfortable either.

Some weird pony thing, he supposed.

‘Almost as weird as my damn hyperactive nose!’

Said nose was currently smelling... breakfast. Lots and LOTS of breakfast. It was the most intense breakfast he’d ever smelled!

Anon’s eyes snapped open in perfect sync with Cut’s, and she looked at him with a question in her eyes. “Do you...?”

He nodded back. Now that he was focusing on it, it smelled like someone had cooked an entire breakfast buffet in their own damn house! Still shaking off the dregs of sleep, he and Cut languidly flopped off of Pike’s shortened bed and trotted out of the bedroom—only to find that the kitchen counters had, in actuality, been filled to the brim with plates of breakfast food.

Anon wasn’t sure what else he’d expected.

“EEEEeeeeeEEEEeeee...”

The stallion’s head whipped toward the defeated sound, where he found Pike, lying face up on the ground, and looking utterly deflated.

“...eeeeeee...”

Without hesitation, he rushed to her side. Lifting the small bat in his hooves, Anon cried out, “PIKE! Speak to me!”

Blearily, her eyes rolled over to focus on him. “...Eeeee — oh, hey you two. I,” she paused, as she interrupted herself with a wide yawn. “I didn’t hear you get up.”

Anon took a tired look around the room, once again taking in the breadth of the meal set before them. “I mean, not that I don’t appreciate a surprise breakfast. But what is all this?”

Unsteadily, she extracted herself from his hooves, still blinking the exhaustion out of her eyes. “Oh, this? I woke up a little earlier than usual so I figured I’d... you know, put something together!”

“A little earlier?” Cut marveled under her breath. “This must have taken hours...”

Anon could tell that Cut was right. Based on the state of Pike and the sheer amount of food, it seemed like “a little earlier” was a serious understatement.

‘But why? Pike hates getting up early. Even years of guard training never managed to get that out of her!’

There was definitely something more going on here. Heck, it left her so out of it that Pike hadn’t even noticed that Cut said anything, and she had the best hearing of them all!

“Then when I was done, I realized I still had some time and didn’t know what to do and—” Pike interrupted herself with another fanged yawn.

‘Alright, enough is enough, I say.’

“Well,” Anon stepped in, “let’s get you back in bed and then we can worry about eating.”

Pike looked aghast. “What? No! Eat now while it’s still warm!” Knowing she was far too weak to fight back, Anon asserted himself as the man of the house and threw her over his shoulder. “Nooooo! Anoooooon!” she feebly cried.

“No buts! Back to bed!”

The small bat struggled the whole way back of course, but compared to what Anon knew she was capable of, this was nothing. Heck, by the time he’d even gotten back to the bed, even that seemed like it was too much for her, as she instead resigned herself to quietly mumbling about being “marehandled” under her breath and nothing more.

But, Anon was taking no chances. Very gently, he levitated her over and acted quick as a flash! Before she could even hope to wriggle free, he had her wrapped in a blanket cocoon of impenetrable might. Which, in her current state, meant she’s now stuck on the bed no matter what she did.

“Nooo! I’m not a moth, I’m a baaaaaaaaat...” she sleepily cried. But not even a moment later, those melted away to the soft sounds of a snoozing Pike.

Anon let out a relieved sigh and turned around just in time to catch Cut walking in with three plates carefully balanced on her back.

‘Aaaah, she was going to serve everyone some breakfast in bed, that genius!’

She knew she was a genius too: Anon could see the wisps of a satisfied smile on her face. At least, until she focused too much on balancing the plates and tripped over her own hooves.

“WoooOOOAAAHH!”

For a moment, it almost looked like she was going to salvage it. She leaned into the stumble, hard. So hard that she actually managed to keep the plates from immediately flying off her back. Unfortunately, it was also so hard there was no way for her to recover. The lean rapidly turned into a fall, pulling her hooves right out from under her. But just when the plates started to leave her back...

Anon reached out.

Being a unicorn, which he’d summarily decided must be the most OP of the tribes, Anonymous was unconstrained by things like distance or numbers. He didn’t have to throw himself off the bed and rush over to Cut to catch her; he just did. Before even a crumb could hit the ground, Cut and all three plates were perfectly caught in his hands like he was Spiderman.

It took Cut a second to open her eyes, having clenched them shut in anticipation for her reunion with the floor. When she did, she silently sent him a grateful smile. Which he had to say went fantastically with her embarrassed blush.

Seeing as he was already on a roll today, Anon decided to hoist Cut into the bed directly for some of that breakfast in bed. She was heavier than Pike, obviously, but with a few extra hands...

‘Wait, would that actually help? It’s all going back to my horn anyway, would distributing the weight further actually result in less strain if it requires me to project more hands to do so? What’s the baseline thaumic strain per hand to weight lifting ratio?’

‘...I’m going to kill this line of thought before I lose my focus and drop her.’

Nocturnal Pike had just had one weird dream. She’d woken up really early in it, but despite that, she was unusually ready and raring to go! So ready to work in fact, that she’d decided to capitalize on those feelings of domesticity and surprise her herd with some breakfast! Breakfast that she’d then made, only to realize there were still a good couple of hours before they’d wake up. Which left her with nothing to do but make something else!

And something else. And something else...

‘Why does the entire house smell like breakfast food?’

“W-Well I’m not exactly the most well-versed in magical theory. But if I had to guess, the weight distribution seems like it would offset the cost of maintaining the hands up to a certain point.”

“Ah but I want to know what that point is! Although, it would probably vary by weight. Hmmm damn.”

‘Great. First thing in the morning and my herd’s already being NERDS.’

‘Better put a stop to that!’

Pike attempted to stretch her hooves, only to realize that she couldn’t move them at all. It felt like she was wrapped in something, and wrapped tight. Snapping her eyes open, she found herself bound to the bed, wrapped in a blanket cocoon that seemed suspiciously familiar.

‘Oh no.’

“Anon.”

He paused mid-bite of some even more suspiciously familiar breakfast food. “Oh you’re up!”

“I didn’t turn everything in the ice box into a gigantic breakfast, did I?” she flatly asked.

He shared a sheepish look with Cut. “Well, not everything.”

‘Oh no! It was real! It was all real!’

‘Awwwww what was I THINKING!? Is everypony supposed to eat breakfast leftovers for the next week?!’

Internally, she was beside herself. It had just been so... fun! It was fun to try out all those new recipes, knowing that Anon and Cut would eventually dig into them. All without even the slightest fear of reprimand. Besides, it’s not like she’d had anything else to do in what counted as the wee hours of the morning for her.

“This quiche is really good, Pike!” Cut said between mouthfuls. “I didn’t even know we had pastry dough!”

Pike let out a sigh, still a little disappointed in herself for getting so lost in the moment. But... she supposed it wasn’t all bad. Massive waste of food or not, neither of them seemed particularly upset about it. If anything it seemed like they loved it! Pike spied a plate that was left out for her, but an attempt to reach for it just served to remind her that she was still functionally imprisoned there. Sure, she could probably fight her way out of it, but where was the fun in that?

“Are you two going to unwrap me?” Pike nodded her head toward the food they’d left. “Or is this one of those restaurants where the waiter hoof feeds you?”

Anon’s eyebrow shot up in that adorable way it did whenever she said something that offended his human stallion sensibilities. ”Wha— no. You are messing with me.” He turned towards Cut, concern creeping into his voice. “That’s not real.”

Focusing as hard as Pike could, she prayed that Cut would pick up on her mental cues. It was times like this that Pike wished Cut was a bat. There were few things better than talking at frequencies that other tribes couldn’t hear right in front of them.

Cut blushed. “Well, uh I don’t know anything about that—”

‘NOOOOO!’

“—but Aunt Jargon made me go to a restaurant where we ate off of a stallion once. It was uh... not great.”

‘Huh, that was a very convincing delivery by Cut.’
‘...Too convincing.’

Anon rolled his eyes. “Okay, now I KNOW you two are full of it.”

“It’s true!” she cried, “she wanted to celebrate some award the paper got, so she dragged me along!” Cut crossed her forehooves like she was incensed, but she seemed more sad than anything. “I don’t even LIKE sushi. And the stallion was really weird about it, too.”

Pike didn’t want to admit it, but she was starting to believe this really wasn’t a joke. Cut’s humor rarely leaned toward absurdism, and this seemed way too out there to even be funny!

Anon still clearly didn’t believe her. “And what, was he naked? Oh ew, was there hair in the sushi!?”

A shameful blush colored Cut’s face, and she completely refused to look either of them in the eyes.

‘Okay, either her acting’s gotten way more convincing, or she’s not joking.’

Whispering, Cut replied, “Full tack.”

Pike’s heart stopped.

Anon, his weak Unicorn hearing not tipping him off, asked, “Sorry, what?”

This time, Cut managed to get her voice above a whisper. “H-He was in full tack.”

‘Uhhhhh WHAT!?’

There was not a doubt in Pike’s mind that Cut was not joking; that reaction was too real.

‘The heck was Jargon thinking!? Cut STILL has trouble keeping it together when things get lewd, and that’s with her coltfriend! In what world could Jargon think putting her in that situation would be a good idea? They were all lucky the poor mare didn’t have a stress-induced heart attack!’

The reality of the situation was rapidly dawning on Anon too. Now with far less mirth, he asked, “What, like that horse riding stuff you two wanted me to buy at Silken’s?”

Cut only barely managed a nod, before locking eyes with her hooves and started to idly tap them together: a tell that Pike instantly recognized as something Cut did whenever she was embarrassed.

Anon, who clearly also believed her now, was flabbergasted. “Why on Earth did Jargon do that?”

Cut flinched ever so slightly, and grimaced at the memory. “S-Something about it being easier to talk to stallions after I’d seen one dressed up. I don’t remember.”

‘Stars damn it, that is EXACTLY how that idiot would justify it.’

An angry screech started to build in the back of Pike’s throat, but she forced it down, and added that to the long list of reasons she hoped Jargon put her into a self-defense situation one day.

Anon was obviously equally unenthused. While he shook his head in disapproval, his mind was no doubt already slinging expletives never before heard by ponykind. “Unbelievable,” he muttered. “There’s something wrong with you ponies.”

‘WHAT!?’
’Hey wait a minute!’
’Who’s Anon think he is, trying to act holier than thou and lay this on the equine race?’

Pike had heard his stories about humans, and she was not going to take such SLANDER lying down!

Deciding that it was decisively not fun to keep waiting, she fought valiantly against the blankets constricting her. And thanks to some choice applications of her finest anti-grappling techniques, she eventually loosened the knot. Then, with naught but a flex of her marely mare muscles, Pike was freed! Anon was so busy smiling at her fight that he couldn’t even hope to prepare himself for Pike’s accusatory boop. It of course landed true, and he let out an adorable, “wooah!”

“Don’t you start, mister! I’d bet my fangs that humans have the same thing — no, something even weirder!” He shook it off, and Pike noted he was getting better at recovering from those.

“Nuh uh! I NEVER heard about something like that happening back home! What would even be the point? Beat off while you eat?” Anon stopped dead at that, as a look of true horror bloomed on his face — one that mirrored Pike’s own. It seemed that the same horrible revelation occurred to her at the same moment it did to him. Slowly, and fearfully, the two of them turned back to Cut. Anon’s voice was uncharacteristically unsteady as he asked, “Jargon didn’t... y-you know... did she?”

Cut blinked, her eyes lacking comprehension. “Did she what?”

Pike and Anon shared another uneasy look. Neither of them wanted to say it, lest they breathe the horrifying possibility into existence. So Pike settled for making a certain hoof motion that every mare knew.

This time, Cut’s eyes lit up. “Oh. Oh! EWWW! NO! What is wrong with the two of you!?”

Anon raised his hooves defensively. “Hey, hey, you’ve gotta admit Cut: your family’s let you see some pretty weird stuff.”

Like the wind was sucked right out from beneath her metaphorical wings, Cut’s righteous indignation evaporated. “W-Well I guess I see what you mean. But she wouldn’t do that!” Pike and Anon double-teamed her with a flat look, but surprisingly, she stood her ground. “She wouldn’t.”

Anon chuckled. “Yeah, well I don’t believe you. And that’s just another reason why you and I are going to play hooky today!”

Pike froze, utterly surprised. It wasn’t abnormal for Anon to skip work, but Cut too? Besides, she’d fully expected to spend the day alone at home to test out being a housewife. “Since when?”

“Since you were out cold. We discussed it and seeing as someone decided to blow through nearly every bit of foodstuff we had at our apartment, I figured the three of us could take a trip to the market. Spend some time together.” That certainly didn’t sound like a bad idea! Although, Pike felt there was something “off” about it. Something she couldn’t quite put her hoof on.

‘Ah well, it probably doesn’t matter.’

Cut chose then to butt in. “A-And while that still sounds like a good idea, I can’t just not show up to work! I’m the chief editor!”

‘Hmm, she seems oddly reserved about the idea of not skipping work.’

Cut’s work ethic was nothing to sneeze at, and Pike would’ve thought she’d have an easier time standing her ground on an issue like that, especially compared to defending that creep Jargon.

‘Is there something going on here?’

Anon rolled his eyes, “And I said don’t worry about it! Just blame it on “whimsical” old me.”

“But—”

“It’ll be fine. Just tell Jargon I insisted we spend the day giving you exposure therapy to my balls or something.”

The room fell silent; only the sound of Cut’s dropped fork hitting the plate rang out. Pike knew that Cut was thinking what she was thinking. “Or, now hear me out, instead of going to the market we could actually—”

“Oh hush.”

But unbeknownst to all of them, a grim warning lay in wait just outside their door. A warning Anon himself had written and would subsequently ignore. On the calendar, in big bold red letters was the message: “STALLIONS’ BARGAIN DAY AT THE MARKET: DO NOT GO SHOPPING”.