The Long And Short Of It

Anonymous had just spilled the beans to his fillyfriend that she’d taken his virginity last night, and she was taking it a lot differently than he thought she would. Unfortunately, her reaction involved a lot more shouting than he ever would’ve expected.

"How can you be so casual about this!?"

Double-unfortunately, what he’d intended as a simple throwaway joke, albeit a truthful one, had clearly sent her reeling. “Pike, I really don’t see what the big deal is.”

And he really didn’t.

‘I mean, come on, my virginity? Mattering? What is this, some kind of wacky, reversed—’

‘Wait a second.’

‘Oh no.’

With dawning comprehension, Anon facehoofed. “I’m a fucking idiot.” Pike’s reaction had been fierce, but it was also, he had to admit, exactly what he should've expected.

“Anon, I swear to the stars above, if this is one of those ‘well, back home’ moments...”

He stopped himself from responding, desperately racking his brain for another explanation.

‘...’

‘I got nothin.’

“Well, you see Pike... uh, well... back home—”

“ANONYMOUS!”

“What?! It’s true! And I still don’t see why it matters. What, would you have ‘saved it for the sanctity of our marriage?’”

She raised her hooves defensively. “It’s not that! It’s just... a colt’s first time is supposed to be special! Romantic!”

‘Wha- I reject this insinuation!’

“Last night was plenty romantic!”

“Oh you know that’s not what I mean.”

“The sex was romantic too!” He’d certainly thought so, at least!

However, if Pike’s flat glare was anything to go by, she vehemently disagreed. “Anon, I opened foreplay by wrapping my legs around your head and shoving my cunt in your face to ‘show you what you’d smell like.’”

Which had taught him several new things about himself, by the way. “And it was so hot I was afraid my dick dislocated your nose when it shot up.”

As if to punctuate his statement, she reached up to rub her muzzle.

‘Mental note, in the future keep Pike away from the ‘strike zone’.’

“Th-that’s beside the point! When a colt loses their virginity it’s also supposed to be tender, a-and loving! Not... not...”

“Fucking like animals?”

“Exactly!”

‘Jesus, this really has the poor mare worked into a tizzy.’

Anon needed to nip this in the bud, and fast. So, hoping to do just that, he walked over to her side of the table and wrapped his hooves around her. “Come on Pike, I myself am telling you here and now, that last night was perfect. What are you so worried about?”

“But... its...” She attempted to look him in the eyes, before letting her head drop and letting out a soul wrenching sigh. “I just... I just feel like I robbed you of something special.”

‘Awwwwwwww, Piiiiiiiiiike.’

He could understand where she was coming from, he supposed. But, as it stood, she was really just bumming herself out over nothing. He’d meant what he said; he wasn't going to forget last night for a long, long time. There was no way he was going to stand for any more moping!

‘Time for my coup de grâce of cheer up maneuvers!’

Anon leaned down and gave Pike a big ole smooch, right on her snoot, before leaning over and hugging her, and speaking the most encouraging words he could think of. “Well, don’t. We both had a wonderful evening and an amazing time. And besides, I can’t think of a single pony I would have rather lost it to.”

He thought he spotted an errant tear leaving her eye as she snuggled into his chest. “...Thanks, Anon.”

‘Hell yeah, crisis averted!’

He smiled back, content to just bask in her embrace and enjoy the (now) tender moment.

But as he did, a feeling of cold dread shot up his spine.

He’d forgotten something important. Something that would prove to be a massive pain in the ass later.

‘But what could it be...?’

‘What is something people always need to do after a night of wild sex?’

‘I peed, showered, ate, what is it I could be for…’

‘OH NO!’

Jumping back and whipping his head in the direction of her room, he shrieked in sudden panic:

“THE SHEETS!”

After Anon’s revelation, the two of them rushed into Pike’s bedroom, hoping to mitigate the damage. But it was far, far too late.

Nocturnal Pike hadn’t noticed it when she’d woken up, but by then there was no escaping the smell of sex that had permeated the room like a physical wall of stench. The culprit, of course, being the absolutely ruined sheets. After a quick inspection, the two of them unanimously agreed they were a lost cause. So off to the dumpster they went! A process that would have been a bucking nightmare, if Anon hadn’t been willing to use his magic.

Talk about a lifesaver.

So on the way back up to the apartment, she’d said a little thank-you prayer that Anon was a janefilly, and therefore not afraid of ‘getting his magic all icky.’ That was a line she’d heard stallions use more times than she liked.

So with what could have been a daunting task easily dealt with, there the two of them were, relaxing in the living room while they waited for the bedroom to air out. Anon was sitting across from her, still apparently reeling from the sight (and smell) of his hoofiwork. “Goddamn, I can’t believe we did that to those poor sheets...”

Admittedly, a part of her couldn’t either. It was equal parts kinda hot, and kinda bucking nasty. But, she supposed, it did indeed confirm that old schoolyard adage. “Locker room talk or not, Anon, it’s true what they say: colts with fat nuts, bust fat nuts.”

Anon said nothing for a few moments, as ramifications of what she’d just said made their way through his skull.

And once they had…

”Pffffft hahahahahahaaaa, no way! Uh-uh, ponies do not say that!”

Putting on her best indignant face, Pike made sure her response was positively dripping with faux-outrage. “Of course it is! That knowledge has been passed from mother to daughter for generations! Besides...” She affixed him with a scathing gaze. “Are you of all ponies really going to deny its wisdom?”

He knew he couldn’t. As such, all he could do was chuckle and put his hooves up in submission. ”Considering how stiff those sheets were when I picked them up? No ma’am!”

‘Ugh, Luna, I wish he didn’t remind me about that.’ Just the memory of the sound they’d made as he folded them up was enough to make her gag. Mare, she was going to need to invest in some industrial strength cleaner if his output stayed that high, otherwise she’d be throwing away a lot of sheets.

“Blech, not the most romantic start to our Saturday together.”

At that, Anon simply shrugged. “Hey, it’s certainly better than the alternative of putting that off.”

Now that was something PIke couldn’t argue with. If they’d left those sheets in there any longer, the smell would have probably soaked into the Luna damned carpet. Not that she would’ve really minded, though. A primal part of her really liked that smell. Anon’s scent an extra heady dose of stallion musk? ‘Umf.’

But seeing as that was all over and done with, that left them with an entire rest of the weekend, with nothing planned! So with that in mind she kicked back, put her hooves behind her head, and said, “So, what do you want to do today?”

Getting a devilish look on his face, Anon just leaned back and mimicked her pose. “Uhhh, honey, isn’t that your job?”

Pike’s eyes snapped wide open at that. This time, the indignation in her voice was real. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean!?”

He simply smiled, feigning innocence. “Give me some credit! I may not have accustomed to all of your customs but I’ve caught on to a few of them! For example, it’s a mare’s job to figure out plans. All I, the stallion, need to do is be indecisive!”

She rolled her eyes, both at the statement and the pun. “Of course that’s what you pick up on, you plothole.”

He opened his mouth to undoubtedly share some more whimsy, but she silenced him with a pillow right to the snoot. “Hey!”

‘Ha ha! Knock out!’

But his exclamation did remind her of something. “Speaking of, that should be our first stop— getting you some hay.”

As he tossed away the pillow, she saw that his previously jovial expression had been replaced with concern. “What? Why?”

Smiling knowingly, she hopped off the chair and started making her way over to him. “I saw how you were shivering when we went down to the dumpster, colt.”

Now that she was close enough to touch him, she ran a hoof through his coat. And just like she thought, it was far too thin. “Your Winter coat clearly isn’t coming in thick enough, so we need to up your hay intake, stat.”

In a surprising show of anxiety, Anon recoiled from her touch, pointedly avoiding eye contact.

‘What the heck?’

‘Where is this coming from?’

”D-don’t worry about it. I just gotta buy an extra thick winter coat is all!”

She recoiled a little herself, surprise written clear on her face. “Are you sure? A jacket won’t help much when your coat is that thin.”

She was about to press further, when he seemingly shook himself out of whatever had him so jumpy and turned back to her. “Oh come on, a little cold never hurt anypony.”

At that, she could only shake her head and relent. What other answer could she have possibly expected from her janefilly?

Even if she was certain he was going to be freezing his flanks off.

And she sure as heck was making a mental note to keep an eye on him—both because of how thin his coat was, and how he reacted to her noticing. Maybe she ought to take an active role in making sure he gets his daily hay?

‘Hold on, wait a minute!’ He was the one who’s supposed to be making sure she was eating healthy, not the other way around!

‘Ugh. Janefillies.’

On the plus side though, at least now they had an activity to do: shopping! And now she’d finally be able to answer something once and for all:

Everypony knows stallions love shopping, but did Anon? Or, was he too much of a janefilly?

Time to find out!

Much later in the day, Anonymous found himself with a far deeper understanding of the pain women go through every time they shop; finding a coat took way longer than he liked. There weren’t even that many coats! But for no apparent reason, every single one felt like it was sized at goddamn random. What should have been, at most, a five minute stop, had instead dragged out into a forty-five minute ordeal. Which, of course, brought Pike no end of joy.

“Anon, it’s ok. All stallions love shopping. There’s no shame in admitting you do too.”

He didn’t even need to look down and to his left to see the shit eating grin on her face; he could hear it. “Pike, there was nothing I enjoyed about that. That was some straight bullshit.”

But at least he couldn’t argue with the results. The fuzzy dark green jacket he’d bought had him feelin’ as snug as a bug in a rug. Walking around outside—like they were right then—was actually bearable now! ...Though only for his front half.

‘If only it covered my back legs!’

A nice pair of socks could’ve done the trick, but he already knew how a stallion who wore socks in public was viewed. But, that did give him an idea...

“Say, while I loathe the idea of doing more shopping, I should ask you while we’re on the subject of clothes. Tell me, is there such a thing as nonsexual socks?”

Much like before, he didn’t even need to look down to see her expression. He could hear her trip over her own hooves.

“Wh-what!?”

“You know, like something to wear on my back le-”

‘Hold up.’

By the sound of things, that ‘trip’ had become a full on stop. And turning around let him see why. Pike’s entire face had turned bright red, and she was wearing the expression of someone who was desperately trying to keep themselves from doing something embarrassing. Quickly putting two and two together, he found that the shit eating grin was on his face now.

And boy did it feel good.

Already deciding his next move, he leaned down to the thestral’s level and whispered in her ear. “You like the idea of me in socks, don’t you, Pike?”

Which caused her to visibly jump, clearly having been startled out of whatever fantasy she’d been previously lost in.

“Ahhhh!”

Her eyes then darted around, looking like a kid whose parents just caught them in the cookie jar. “S-so what? There’s nothing wrong with a mare liking the idea of her coltfriend dressing up in l-long... striped... socks...”

Damn, she couldn’t even finish her thought before the fantasy reclaimed her. Well, she had insisted on paying for his coat; he figured he might as well pay her back. In his own, special way. With some quick telekinesis, he clapped his spectral hands in front of her face, once again jerking Pike back to reality. “I have got the perfect place for us to go next!”

He remembered it from shortly after he’d first arrived here, right before he’d given up on trying to wear clothes. Every clothing salesmare in town had pointed him there when he’d asked for a place to get socks (back when he thought socks were still just, you know, socks). And, looking around, he was pleased to discover he actually could find his way there from here, too!

‘Perfect!’

However... Once again, he felt the same kind of cold dread as from earlier creep down his spine.

This time, triggered at the thought of that store.

Like he’d forgotten something.

Something painfully embarrassing.

‘Oh well. I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

After all, whatever it was, it would probably be nothing compared to what he could put Pike through once he’d acquired a repertoire of socks to wear!

So with that in mind, he set off—with a beet-red Pike in tow.