The Dumbing Down of Love

Armed with a book, leftover pineapple pizza, and a half tub of ice cream (okay, maybe a full tub of ice cream), Starlight expected her night to be peaceful and boring. Her plans being to curl up on the couch under a reading lamp and read until she fell asleep or slip into a food coma. Instead, she found herself ordering more pizza and clearing the coffee table for the drinks that Trixie and Maud brought over, who now sat across from her.

While they ate in relative silence, their eyes told her it was only a matter of time, a gentle reprieve before one or the other asked her the burning questions that hung in the air between them. Starlight was already thinking about what she should and shouldn’t say, but she was sure that the words would tangle up on her tongue before she could even get them out.

After Sunburst left, she resorted to practicing in front of the mirror—even trying it out with a similo duplexus clone as an audience—knowing that the inevitable was coming. First, she started with ‘Sunburst and I are together’ which led to the clone questioning what ‘together’ meant, since the vaguest term she could think of could mean they were simply in the same space and of course, they were always in the same space these days.

Second was ‘Sunburst and I are dating’ a set of words that were even worse since they weren’t. The clone pointed out that there was no date in sight and she had left it at that, hanging in the air because she was too afraid to say that it might be nice for him to purposefully take her somewhere special with the intent for it to be just them. Then again, it was almost always just them. Dinner, theater, even a brief obsession with mini-golf all occurred with just him and her. Starlight vanished the clone after she said that, but it was too late because it reinforced what his insistent voice kept whispering in the back of her head, ‘Nothing has changed.’

Third, and finally what she’d settled on was ‘It’s complicated.’ The ultimate cop-out.

So as Trixie finished her pizza and unveiled the question, “What was wrong with you on Monday?” Starlight was ready for it.

Or not. “It’s complicated,” she spewed instantly.

There wasn’t a drop of pity to be squeezed out of either mare. “What's complicated?” Maud tried to clarify gently, letting her head tilt to the side.

Starlight shrugged and refused to look at them in the eyes.

“Did something happen during the EEA conference?” Trixie dove straight to the point, a coy smile on her lips. “Did you two—?”

“The summit was so boring that I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a pen, but the afterparty was okay…” Starlight tried and failed to sound confident as the pair laughed at her (Trixie did, Maud just smiled).

“Trixie bets you were doing that thing where you make excuses to touch Sunburst,” Trixie rolled her eyes. “And he was doing his usual lousy job at pretending that he was annoyed by it.”

This was the first time that accusation had been flung to her face, and Starlight was spellbound for a moment. As she replayed the events of that night, it was clear as day: the progression of erasing that line had started just about halfway through the conference. She was bored out of her mind and she resorted to drawing silly doodles on the margins of her notepad, making sure that Sunburst could see them. He tried to scold her quietly by rolling his eyes and gesturing for her to cut it out, but she caught him looking over her shoulder to see what she was doing more often than not, smiling at her stick figures doing silly things, unwilling to admit that he was just as bored as her. Sunburst tried to make himself presentable for the party, but it was obvious that he never learned how to tame his wild mess of a mane, so obviously, she had no choice but to brush it for him, standing close enough that she could see the hint of pink on his cheeks as she worked. Maybe spending a little too much time fixing his bowtie just so she could run her hooves around his chest for a while longer…

“So?” Trixie asked, pulling Starlight out of her memories.

Starlight’s lips trembled before she let out the most dangerous phrase she ever uttered. “We kissed.”

Both mares erupted. Trixie let out a high-pitched squeal as she scuttered around the table to throw her hooves around Starlight’s neck while Maud let out a monotone and gushing ‘aw’ as she clutched one of Starlight’s hooves from across the table.

“Tell us everything,” Maud urged after Trixie’s squeals had settled into giggles.

The warm blush hit her cheeks before she could speak. “It was…nice, really nice.”

“Ok, not eloquent, but not bad,” Trixie nodded as she squished her shoulders again. “What else?”

Starlight froze, her mind playing back the rest of the discussion which hadn’t exactly been romantic, thanks to her. Her voice turned even quieter, “I said it was a mistake.”

“What?” Trixie’s hoof dug into her shoulder.

Even Maud cringed, dropping her smile.

Starlight let her head fall into her hooves. “I freaked out,” she groaned, her voice coming back in strength due to the feeling of disappointment she shared with them. “But he didn’t even blink. I don’t know how that didn’t hurt him because I would have cried. Oh, girls, I would have sobbed.”

“Well, you probably did hurt him,” Trixie muttered.

“He’s just better at covering it up,” Maud finished with a sigh.

Trixie was shaking Starlight’s shoulders now, making her lift her eyes back to the two of them. “But then what happened? What did he say to that?”

“He said that he wanted this and unless I told him no, he was going to keep at it.” That barely brought a smile to her face because suddenly it was hitting her, how much the entirety of that moment—of her staring at him and resisting for no reason other than baseless fear—must have stung.

“Please tell me you didn’t tell him no,” Maud begged as she gripped Starlight’s hoof.

Starlight shrugged weakly, “I didn’t actually tell him anything. I just…” She looked between the two of them, her eyes pleading, “I feel like I’m going crazy, like…I want to push him away and hold on to him at the same time. I need him to tell me it’s alright but then every time he does, I don’t believe him—or more like, I don’t want to believe him…I don’t know, I’m scared, just so scared.”

“Of what?” Trixie was smoothing her hair, trying to get that desperation out of Starlight’s eyes.

“I can’t lose him, I don’t think I could bear it if he left for a second time,” Starlight murmured as the tears collected in her eyes. “That kiss, all of it just puts us at risk of falling apart. He was safe being my best friend forever but now…what if he doesn’t love me?”

“Well, did he say that?” Trixie asked incredulously.

“He said he felt things, but…” The tears finally rolled down her cheeks and Starlight instantly brought her hoof to clear them. “What if he realizes that it’s not love but just, I don’t know, lust or hormones or something and then he moves on and I lose everything.”

“Okay, maybe lust and hormones played a part in that,” Trixie muttered.

Maud quickly sent a glare in her direction before saying, “Trixie.”

“What?” Trixie shook Starlight by the shoulders again. “Look, this is insane. I expect this level of worry from Twilight, not from you. I’m sure that if you ask Sunburst, he’s going to say he’s in love with you because we’ve all seen it for the past few years. You think that what you two were doing before this was just being friends?”

Maud had to drop the attitude, her eyes softening on Starlight, “None of us have thought you two were just best friends since he moved in with you.” She was on the move, slinking around the table to Starlight’s other side so she could link forelegs with her. “And even though you seemed distracted on Monday, it didn’t look like it was anything that had to do with the two of you. The only weird thing that happened was Sunburst stepping in and telling us to leave you alone for the day.”

“He what?” Starlight murmured dumbly.

“No explanation, just to leave you alone and a belated please.” Trixie was finally able to laugh at this, even though at the moment she was sure she was going to kick him. “Trixie admits it was sweet.”

“From you two?” Starlight was even more bewildered since Sunburst had never intervened with the girls. She had always thought him afraid to, since no one dared challenge Trixie, and Maud could talk and reason with any creature into submission. Sunburst had no power over the two of them, or at least not usually.

Maud nodded before she tenderly squeezed Starlight’s foreleg. “I’m sure he thought that he was saving you from something.”

“Not sure of what, since Maud and I are obviously angels,” Trixie interjected.

Maud rolled her eyes in return. “But I think it’s still safe to say he was trying. Desperate to make you comfortable, so I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he does love you.”

“Though it’d be nice if he said it,” Trixie grumbled.

“I didn’t tell him either,” Starlight corrected. “And after what I said? Why would he try? I was a mess, even when I kissed him again, I was still—”

“Oh, again?” Trixie waggled her eyebrows as she jostled Starlight again.

“A couple of times,” Starlight managed a smile now, feeling the ghost of his touch on her body.

Maud examined Starlight’s face with a knowing little smirk. “And a smile, finally.”

Starlight pretended to bristle as she eyed Maud. “I never said I didn’t like it.”

“Of course you did,” Trixie teased. “You’ve crushed on him since, like, forever, so it must have been a dream come true!”

“Not forever,” Starlight rolled her eyes. “Only since last year.”

Trixie shook her head firmly. “No, last year was when you admitted it.”

“It’s been way longer than that,” Maud added.

Starlight looked between the two of them for a moment before huffing. “Well, since you two obviously know everything, what should I do?”

Trixie and Maud exchanged glances before Maud cleared her throat. “It helps to actually have a conversation with him.”

“We talk,” Starlight spat quickly but winced at her defensiveness.

“About everything that isn’t the two of you,” Trixie corrected. “So have that talk. Tell him what you want, or ask him what he wants.”

Maud lifted her eyebrows with excitement. “And make sure to ask him when he knew he loved you. I want to hear that story.”

Trixie laughed contently. “Maud, you’re a hopeless romantic.”

“I secretly think Sunburst is, too,” Maud said. “I bet he’s going to surprise you. Say something you’re totally not going to expect.”

Trixie shook her head as she finally loosened her grip on Starlight. “Nope, Trixie doesn’t buy it! He’s going to have something short and maybe only a little sweet. What do you think, Starlight?”

But she was already gone, too busy piecing together the words she wanted to say to him.

Even sitting down, Sunburst had to crane his neck and tilt his head back to look at Princess Twilight in the eye. It was a little awkward to have the Princess of Equestria sitting next to him when she should be sitting near the front, but since this was Flurry Heart’s day, the little princess currently occupied the seat of honor at the far end of the table, Shining Armor and Princess Cadance sitting at either side of her, and he swore that the family was literally glowing with pride. It was not every day that a Princess received her cutie mark, and it showed, the royal’s sparing no expense with the lavish party.

Sunburst felt out of place surrounded by nobles and other important looking ponies, he guessed that he was important too, being the Royal Crystaller and all—but nowhere near the level of those present, nowhere near important enough for Princess Twilight to insist on sitting next to him, earning the curious stares of those present, wondering who in the hay this stallion with messed up orange hair was.

Despite the noise of chatter and the buzz of thoughts in his head, he managed to hear Twilight when she spoke. “I want to apologize for leaving the EEA party so early, I was really looking forward to hanging out with you guys.”

“Oh, there’s no need to apologize,” Sunburst said quickly. “Starlight and I were happy to see you either way.”

Twilight went straight to the point. “So, how was it? Did something interesting happened at the party?”

“Interesting?” There was a glint in the alicorn’s eye that told him she wasn’t talking about the party. Sunburst considered playing stupid, but the likelihood that she would notice was too high. “Didn’t Starlight send you the report?”

Twilight raised a playful eyebrow. “Her report was surprisingly elaborate this time around, that usually means she’s hiding something.”

Sunburst hummed a thoughtful affirmative, playing with a brussels sprout he debated on eating. “Am I talking to you as the Princess or as my friend?”

“Would one get in the way of the other?”

“Well, one might tell me one thing…” Sunburst rolled his hoof at the wrist to keep himself from wasting the breath.

Twilight nodded sensibly before taking a bite of her salad. “Then which one would you prefer?”

“Friend, I guess,” Sunburst shrugged.

“Then friend it is.” Twilight settled in her chair, her eyes on the redhead unicorn.

“Alright…” Even with the ground rules, Sunburst found his throat closing in on itself. Starlight surely didn’t include this bit into her report (he knew since he proofread them for her before she sent them) and he wasn’t going to delude himself into thinking that Twilight was the only one that knew, surely Maud and Trixie had already pried the information out of Starlight at this point, but how much was too much? “We left the after-party early and we, well, kind of…”

“I get it,” Twilight waved a hoof.

“Huh?” His eyebrows shot up his forehead.

“I heard from the other guests that you two were more flirtatious than usual that evening.”

“What?” Sunburst squawked. “No, we weren’t. We were just, I don’t know, having a good time. She and I, we—” It was the thin veil of humor on Twilight’s face that stopped him long enough for his thoughts to catch up with him. Why are you denying it? It doesn’t actually matter anymore. No pony was buying it before and now that you’re…something, no pony should be believing it now either. “Ok, alright, we might have…gotten physical at some point.” He gave a well-deserved cringe at his awkwardness.

“Ok…” Twilight offered as passively as possible but Sunburst could tell by the extra blinks that there was a lot more to say on that subject. Sunburst assumed that for Twilight this was like a stallion admitting to her that he was snogging her sister regularly. Starlight had been Twilight’s shoulder to cry on during her transition as a Princess so Sunburst knew this was odd territory for both of them.

“We took it too far that night,” Sunburst sighed, “But now? I don’t know, I’m trying to give her time, just act like normal in the meantime.”

Twilight paused her understanding nod to tap a hoof to her chin, deep in thought. “Have you told her how you feel?”

Sunburst winced, “I told her I have feelings…?”

The hoof moved from Twilight’s chin to her cheek, definitely massaging there. “But did you specify what those feelings are?”

“…No.” A sigh was his reply and Sunburst felt his stomach dip, the unexpected slew of words starting to run from his brain. “Look, she’s supposed to be the one thinking things through, not me. I did my thinking—I know how I feel and I know what I want from this, so I’m doing what’s right and giving her time to figure out her side of it.” He threw his hooves up helplessly. “I’m not confused.”

“No, you’re not,” Twilight jumped in quickly as he let his hooves fall away. “But you’re still scared.”

“I’m—” The accusation stopped instantly on his tongue; his mouth suddenly so dry he wasn’t sure if he could continue. “I’m absolutely terrified,” he wheezed out instead.

“Of what?”

Sunburst shook his head as he tried to piece it together. Ever since that night, the surety that he’d convinced himself with over the past two years had slowly started leaking out like air from a balloon. “I can do anything, I can figure anything out but…she has to love me first, Twilight. But I’m too much of a coward to say it and risk that she…that she’s going to tell me no.”

Even with the dread on Sunburst’s face, Twilight’s only comfort to him was a short laugh. “You could have just asked her.”

Sunburst’s lips curled into a sour smile, “Sure, sounds logical.” Air strangled in his throat for a second as he ran his hooves through his hair. “Her first reaction was that it was a mistake. She looked me straight in the eye and said it to my face and…it hurt, it hurt so much that I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t think it would because I told myself she’d probably freak out and say or do something extreme but even warning myself like that didn’t help. Even saying it now just makes me feel like crap.”

“You know she didn’t mean that,” Twilight let a hoof fall and pat at Sunburst’s shoulder.

“Yeah, but she could,” Sunburst groaned. “And leaving her this week makes me feel like I won't be able to convince her otherwise. She’s going to be at home, thinking about all the things that could go wrong, while I’m not around to show her what could go right.”

Twilight hummed thoughtfully before easing herself out of the chair. Sunburst’s head shot up, staring at her desperately. “You know, I think this room is too loud and I want to stretch my legs.” Before Sunburst could even object, Twilight pointed at a door at the far end of the room, where the telephone was. "They should be bringing out the cake in a few minutes. Use the time wisely.”

A half-finished game of Dragon Pit laid on the table between the three mares, who were slowly moving the pieces around as they each took turns. Starlight was actually fighting heavy eyelids, especially as the clock was ticking close to 1 AM. Just as she was about to nod off the phone trilled, ripping her violently from her rest. It took a few giggled-filled minutes to step over Trixie, Maud, and the mess of cans and pizza boxes as the phone call away, Starlight rushing the last few steps to grab the receiver. “Friendship Castle, Starlight Glimmer speaking,” she managed to murmur out before having to cover a yawn.

“Hey,” Sunburst whispered from a thousand miles away.

“Hey, is everything alright?” All of her fatigue vanished as her hoof clutched the receiver.

“Oh, yes, I’m at the Crystal Castle right now,” Sunburst reassured her quickly. “Sorry, I know it’s late.”

She took a long, slow breath. “As long as you’re okay.”

“Well…” His sigh shuddered over the other end. “I’m not, Starlight.”

“Did something happen? Is the Princess—?”

“No,” he groaned. “Relax, it’s not work-related. I need you to listen to me.”

That didn’t ease her fear, her ears folded against her head and she swallowed thickly before speaking. “Ok…”

“I wanted to spend this week with you to remind you that we’re good together,” his voice was urgent and she could almost feel the ghost of his touch on her fur, his hoof clutching hers to drive the point home. “And now I’m hundreds of miles away and there’s nothing I can do except lamely telling you over the phone that we are. You’re the only pony in this world that bothered to get to know me, all of me, who tolerates my eccentricities but inspires me to be better every day and I can’t live without that. I can’t lose you; do you understand that? I was scared to leave because that’s the one thing that I don’t know how to handle.

“So now I’m calling you to beg because I don’t know what else to do. I'm worried you’re making some kind of decision, and I know you told me not to, and that makes me feel even worse. Just promise me—no, swear that when I get home, we’re going to sit down and talk. Not fight, not dance around this anymore, but talk. We’re not perfect at that, I know, but I want to try. Please.” By the end, he was huffing like he’d run a marathon and Starlight was almost sure she heard him gulp down a sob.

“I can’t lose you either,” she murmured before taking a trembling breath, her lip shaking. “Let’s talk when you get home. I’m not going to decide anything without you.”

“Thank you,” he barely managed to choke out.

Starlight took a trembling breath, feeling the tears start. “Sunburst, I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for, I’m just—”

“No, I have to,” she urged back. “What I said, that this was a mistake—it was a lie, I shouldn’t have said that, and I don’t want to lie to you ever again. So, I’m sorry.”

Some of his breath seemed to come back to him, “That was a lie?”

“Of course it was,” she sighed.

She could hear him shuffling over the other end before a somewhat sweeter sigh came from his lips. “You know I don’t think it was either, right?”

Starlight gave him a short laugh, “You better not. You started it.”

“No way,” he chuckled. “You kissed me first.”

She sent a furtive glance down the hallway before cupping her hoof around her mouth and the receiver just in case those wandering ears were pressed against the door.

“You undressed me first.”

“Oh,” he teased out the vowel as he finally let a laugh leave his lips. “I guess you got me there. I…I did like that, almost as much as I like this. I like what we have, Starlight. I want to keep it. I…have a lot to say to you when I come home.”

“Me, too.” She wanted to urge him to come back, beg him to hurry it up, but the somber reality was there. There was still a world out there that was beyond them, that needed their talents and wouldn’t wait on romance, no matter how dire it felt to her. “I’ll be right here, waiting for you, alright?”