Episode 18: Dr. Whooves on the Daily Show

As someone who lived in one of the greatest cities in the world, as well as identifying himself as more of a liberal thinking man, Jon Stewart liked to flatter himself in the belief that he wasn’t ignorant when it came to those of different nationalities and backgrounds.

New York itself is quite comparable as an accurate representation of American life, particularly the richness that is its wide variety of multi-ethnic citizens from all parts of the world. To Jon the phrase “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” was more than just a verse in a song, it was a code that he tried to live by and which was instilled into him at a young age.

He came from a long line of immigrants himself so he understood the importance of both accepting and respecting those who came to America. He always approached things with an open mind and did his best to remove whatever prejudice he might have towards those different than him. But like with everyone else it was hard to fully remove the stereotypes that an unfair society establishes for any given different-minded individual.

That same form of profiling, though unwanted by Jon, still followed him even in the land of talking ponies. Little by little he would learn about the inhabitants of Equestria and based on his limited experiences he developed some biased opinions of his own. Seeing Derpy’s doctor husband before him he couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t fit the preconceived notions he had picked up. He would soon learn just how wrong he was.

The first thing this pony did upon his arrival was make a quick introduction and order himself a cup of tea. He didn’t speak to Jon nor did it seem like he was in any hurry to do so since he was too busy getting the attention of Choatcheck’s two daughters who came to say their hellos, giving Jon enough time to size up his opponent.

His body was a mocha colored tan while his mane and tail were a darker shade of oak brown. Unlike most ponies he was actually dressed in a matching sports jacket and a blazingly red bow tie. When he spoke he did so with a posh accent which reminded him somewhat of his correspondent John Oliver, which also came as a surprise; he wasn’t expecting such an accent variation.

But of course another glaring feature was the fact that this pony was not of magic or of the sky but of the earth. Yes, instead of being a Unicorn, like Jon assumed, this creature was an Earthpony. Part of Jon wondered if this was really his contact which is perhaps why he felt it necessary to confirm it once again.

“So uh... you’re Dr. Whooves?” Jon finally asked after a lengthy bout of silence that was layered with a thin amount of awkwardness that seemed to have been lost on his guest.

“Oh please, call me Time Turner! All my friends do.” The overly dressed Earthpony smiled as he waved a hoof dismissively. “I don’t go by that name anymore. In fact, very few ever call me by that title let alone know about my previous profession... which is how I know you’ve been talking to my lovely wife.”

“Yes well at uh... at any rate I do appreciate you seeing me on such short notice,” Jon said as he continued to observe his table mate.

“Weeeell truth be told I wasn’t originally going to do so,” he revealed before taking a sip of his tea. “I’m what you’d call something of a ‘shut-in’ myself but when Derpy told me I’d be meeting Television’s own Jon Stewart I thought ‘why not’... although she didn’t actually say it was you. It was only after she pointed to her forehead and then at the TV that I knew who she was referring to... anyway, it’s not everyday one gets to meet a celebrity... plus when Derpy asks me to do something I find it quite difficult to say no to that face.”

“Well then, again thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be here,” Jon reiterated.

“Busy is right. Even back when everypony knew me as ‘Doctor’ I never did house calls but... any friend of Derpy’s is a friend of mine and since she asked me to assist you I’ll do whatever I can to help,” he said, his smile never wavering as he viewed Jon’s spread of entrees and appetizers. “And I made the right call; seems you already got the party started.”

Following his field of vision, Jon noticed how his half of the table was filled with variations of delicately prepared food while the doctor’s side held only one small cup tea.

“O-oh I’m sorry!” Jon stammered as he quickly grabbed his fruit salad and used his fork to seize a random block of produce. “Would you like some?”

Leaning in to get a better view, the well dressed Earthpony noticed that Jon had inadvertently offered him a slice of a pear.

“Eh, no thank you!” he rejected with a face like he smelled something gone bad.

“Oh well then uh... can I offer you some wine?” Jon instead offered.

“Sorry; can’t,” he answered, once again shooting Jon down.

“Don’t care for the food here?” Jon asked as he withdrew his arms.

“Oh not at all! This place has some of the finest foods in all of Equestria! Oh yes, Coatcheck and his two daughters really do a fantastic job here! I can’t be certain obviously but I have a feeling that this quaint little restaurant is really going to go places someday!” he explained as he leaned back and threw his hooves out like he was about to embrace someone. “Derpy and I have been coming here for years now; she quite fancies their selection of muffins and I must admit my body has now been conditioned to function only after I’ve had some of their tea, it’s a shame they don’t deliver because otherwise I’d never leave the house. Not because of laziness, oh no, no, no but because I’d be too big to fit through the door! Ha! Now, if you want to hear about grotesque food then look no further than--”

“Um, Time Turner?” Jon interrupted. “Sorry, I don’t mean to cut you off but I am in something of a hurry myself and well... the thing is I asked to speak with you because I have an emergency and I could really use your help.”

Before being interrupted the ever smiling Earthpony was speaking not just with his mouth but with various swings of his forelegs and dramatic poses, so when he was cut short of his explanation he was left frozen in place a like a mime, only to immediately sit back down and adjust his jacket to look more presentable.

“Ah yes, quite right! Sorry about that, I do tend to get carried away at times!” he said as he quickly downed the rest of his tea like it was a shot of whiskey. “Right then! Let’s get down to business! Yooooou need my help with something, am I right? Well like I said I’ll help any way I can but just a fair warning, there may be a chance I’m not the right pony you’re looking for so let’s get on with this: details, details let’s hear them.”

Although he had agreed to take things more seriously, Jon had a hard time believing him. He was now more attentive but still had the same dopey smile about him and he was hunched over with his hooves under his chin as if he was trying to demonstrate what fascination looked like.

“Okaaaay here’s the thing... my friend is currently in the hospital with a kind of terminal illness,” Jon explained.

“Oh dear! This is serious!” he said. As if to show his commitment to the situation at hand he waved to Coatcheck to fetch him another helping of tea.

“Yes well... the thing is the doctors over at Canterlot Castle say they can’t do anything for her at this point,” Jon went on to explain. “She has a case of ‘Magic Clausus’ and the only treatment available is too risky to attempt. And well... I uh... I was hoping--”

“And you were hoping that I, being a doctor not of the Canterlot team, would perform said operation!” he interrupted, his tone high pitched and giddy because two new cups of tea had arrived. “And if that didn’t work you would then ask if I knew a colleague, through my presumed many, many contacts, who would be able to do so... am I right?”

“Y-ye-- that’s right! That’s exactly what I was thinking!” Jon exclaimed as a wave of hope washed over him. Slamming both his hands on the table, almost spilling his food in the process, Jon hoisted himself up to get in close. “So what do you say Time Turner?! Can you help me?!”

As if mimicking Jon, the good doctor placed his hooves on the table to lift himself up as well and slowly opened his mouth to take a deep breath, as if his answer would take great explanation. Surprisingly this did not happen, and after reaching over to grab some sugar he collapsed back into his seat.

“No,” he said as he slowly sprinkled the sugar into his tea like a witch brewing a potion. “No, I can’t.”

For the rest of the restaurant things continued uninhibited as nature had intended. Guests ate their food, waitresses took orders, and cooks prepared food. Everyone was doing what they were intended to do. All except for Jon who remained frozen in shock as his lunch guest sipped away at his now perfectly prepared tea.

“Wha... w-w-what?” Jon finally said. “What do you mean 'no!?'”

“Exactly what it means, good sir,” he answered as he straightened himself out in his chair and began to talk in a more sophisticated tone. “‘no’... definition: ‘A word used as a function to express the negative of an alternative choice or possibility,’ like for example.... ‘no I can not help you with your friend’s problem.’”

Sitting back down, as he was starting to again draw attention, Jon took deep breaths to calm himself. This could still potentially be his one shot and he didn’t want to wreck it by losing his cool.

“I know what it means but I... I just want to know why you don’t want to help me,” Jon carefully interpreted like he was talking to a lawyer.

“Oh well good heavens where do I even start!?” he said as he used his spoon to idely make a whirlpool in his drink. “First off, don’t confuse me with the Castle; it’s not that I don’t want to help you it’s that I can’t help you.”

“Alright, humour me,” Jon demanded. “Why can’t you help me!?”

“Oh sooo many reasons... you can’t even imagine,” he smirked. “For example, here’s an interesting fact... I don’t even know what ‘Magical Clausus’ is.”

“Y-you don’t?” Jon asked, his body leaning in with surprise.

“Nope; no idea,” he responded. “Mind telling me what it is?”

No words could escape Jon’s mouth, not that he was holding back but because he found it difficult to recall what the disease was while simultaneously struggling with the notion that he, a comedian from New Jersey, was having to explain the symptoms of a deadly disease to a doctor.

“Oh uh... well let’s see... If I recall correctly Clausus is a disease where... where the host is injected by magic,” Jon began, his brain now filling the blanks. “Yeah, it’s where a Unicorn’s magicatory system begins to shut down when it’s exposed to a large amount of harmful magic! The body slowly starts down and... and then dies.”

“Hm... that does sound dreadful. But also not at all my area of expertise... I’m no expert on magic you see or internal medicine for that matter,” he said while rubbing his chin, leaving Jon astounded by his lack of experience. “Speaking of which, you said that the castle had a treatment in mind but wouldn't do it... what is it exactly if I might ask?”

Rubbing his hand on the side of his face, Jon focused once again on his breathing.

“It’s um... It’s a technique that if done correctly would allow the operating physician to separate Trixie’s body into three forms of existences,” Jon recounted. “One representing the physical, and the other two the mental and spiritual.”

“Yeeeaaah I’m not even going to pretend that I understood that,” the brown Earthpony commented while Jon looked up to make eye contact. “At any rate this sounds like an awfully complicated procedure... pray tell how exactly does an individual go about... performing this act, hm?”

“The doctor does this through a.... through a magical spell,” Jon revealed, now understanding where Time Turner was going with this.

“HA! Definitely not my forte!” he said while patting the top of his forehead. “As you can see I’m not going to be performing any spells anytime soon.”

There was now an understanding on Jon’s part as to why Time Turner couldn't help personally, he just didn’t particularly like how he danced around the issue. But while it seemed like this particular pony wasn’t going to be of any assistant by any direct means Jon was determined to squeeze some usefulness out of him.

“I understand that but... how about this,” Jon continued. “Do you know anyone else who could potentially help me?”

A look of peaked interest sprung to life on the Earthpony’s face while he was in mid-sip. Extending his hoof to indicate he needed a second, he quickly finished his helping of tea and placed it back down.

“Actually... no I do not,” he answered as he waved for another cup. This made Jon raise his palms up to visually demonstrate how confused he was. “The thing is... I don’t really know any other doctor ponies; I mostly keep to myself.”

“Are you serious?” Jon questioned. “You’re a doctor but you don’t know any other doctors?”

“Exactly!” he answered with a wink. “A funny concept, that is.” Had Jon’s side of the table not been littered with food he would have slammed his head on its surface in frustration.

“I’m so confused right now,” Jon moaned. “What the hell kind of Doctor are you?”

Hearing this caused Time Turner’s ears to perk up and he dramatically leapt to his hindhooves, standing as tall as he could on his chair to try and get an unobtainable height advantage. With an outstretched foreleg he struck a dramatic pose like a lawyer pointing to call forth an objection.

“Sir! Do you doubt my claims of being a general practitioner!?” he said in a voice that sounded like forced grievance. “Are you insinuating that I am not who I say I am!? Do I need to run home and present to you my doctorate’s degree as proof in order to satisfy you!?”

“N-no of course not!” Jon stammered, shocked by his sudden outburst. “I-I believe you; there’s no need to show me a degree.”

“Oh good, because I don’t have one,” he said in a well mannered tone. Jon watched as the dramatic pony sat back down and started to nurse his new drink like nothing had happened.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... you don’t have a medical degree!?” Jon asked.

“Um...I thought we established that this wasn’t an issue?” he reminded.

“How can you call yourself a doctor if you don’t have a degree!?” Jon reiterated.

“Relax dear sir, I assure you I do possess your coveted credentials,” he assured him. “Piece of paper, my name, a little symbol, a signature here, a hoof print there, and well respected font describing my abilities, I assure you it’s quite formal looking... however I do not have it in my possession at the moment... for you see I lost it.”

From the outset Jon wasn’t too hopeful about this plan; he knew it was a long shot but he was desperate enough to try anything. But the more he listened to this pony the more he was starting to feel like something was wrong. His once blind hope fueled by anxiety was now slowly turning into paranoia.

“You know, I think I know what’s going on here,” Jon said while the perky Earthpony was about to take another sip. This bold declaration caused him to put down his tea with a smirk like he knew things were about to pick up.

“Oh is that right?” he said. “Mind sharing your theory with the rest of the class?”

“Gladly... I think you’re not a doctor at all! You're some kind of con-artist!” Jon speculated with furrowed brows. “You’re just pretending to be a doctor to get closer to the Princess through me o-or something like that!”

“My, my, my, I can see why they gave you your own television program,” he chuckled. “You certainly do have the active imagination.”

“Laugh it up now but you know what it’s all starting to make sense now,” Jon continued. “The fact that people here only know you as the timekeeper, you don’t know about Clausus, you don’t know anything about medicine, you don’t know any other doctors,  you ‘lost’ your degree, and you’re not even a Unicorn!”

Unbeknownst to Jon at the time he had hit one of Time Turner's only soft spots, pressing a button that he didn't like being pressed. This didn’t stop him from breaking the same aloof expression on his face that he’d had since the start, like he knew what was going to happen before it did.

“First of all... I will grant that my actions may warrant some disbelief on your part... but do not think for a second that my being an Earthpony means I do not have the intelligence needed to be considered a doctor,” he explained, his smile now more in the form of a dirty smirk. “I’m going to go ahead and peg you as the type that believes all Unicorns are bred to be elite class mares and stallions while Earthponies should be subjected to heavy lifting and cleaning up... am I right?”

His accusations would go unanswered by Jon who resigned himself to enduring his lecturing. In his haste to try and expose this would be fraud he went and said something categorically racist. Something he wouldn't have normally done but did so nonetheless due to this limited knowledge of the situation.

“I don’t know what it’s like where you’re from but here in Equestria all ponies are equal whether they have horns on their head, wings on their back, or neither of which,” he continued to scold. “Unicorns are just as durable and tenacious as an Earthpony and Earthponies are just as knowledgeable as a Unicorn... and I am no exception.”

“L-look, I’m... I’m sorry,” Jon apologized as he slumped in his chair and pressed his fingers against his temple. “I didn’t mean it, truly I didn’t it’s just... It’s just that I’ve had a long day and... and I don’t know, I just... I just can’t handle this right now.”

This was the first time Jon’s anger backfired on him. While those back at the castle were perfectly fine with him walking all over them this was the first case of someone fighting back which left Jon momentarily stunned. Luckily for him, his new opponent was a firm believer in turning the other cheek.

“It’s quite alright, Jonathan,” he said before taking a sip of his tea. “We all have our ups and our downs... some days are just more descending than others, I suppose.”

“Well... again I’m sorry, Time Turner,” Jon repeated, his voice seemingly without emotion.

“Actually, why don’t you go ahead and call me ‘Doctor,’” he responded. “Dr. Whooves.”

Jon was moments away from relaying yet another apology, this time with a little more effort put into it, when something clicked inside his brain. For the first time something about this pony’s name sounded familiar now that he was hearing it out loud. From the start he was either too grief ridden or buzzed to put two and two together, but after having finally unloaded a majority of his frustration here at the lunch meeting Jon was thinking more clearly, albeit exhausted at the same time.

“Wait a minute,” Jon thought as he raised his head to get a good look at this pony as if he was doing so for the first time. “‘Dr. Whooves?’”