Episode 18: Dr. Whooves on the Daily Show

Wine was not Jon’s go-to alcohol of choice, if he had his way he would probably go for something a little more uplifting like scotch and soda. But even so he had to admit the wine in Equestria was some of the best he’d ever had which is why he was so excited that he was going to enjoy another bottle. He found himself having to wait for it though.

Unlike last time, Jon’s new bottle of wine wasn’t delivered within a few seconds. For whatever reason it was deemed necessary for Dandelion to take her time in delivering it to him, perhaps waiting for him to finish the one he still had which had a little bit of alcohol left. Lifting the bottle up to his face, Jon squinted his eyes to get a good look at exactly how much remained to drink, which was enough for maybe two or three more gulps.

His stomach began to complain in the form of gurgling out of tune; a combination of hunger and the fact that, since he hadn’t eaten all day, he was digesting pure alcohol rather than any nutritious edibles.

“Maybe I have had too much too drink,” Jon said to himself.

If his wife saw him now she would be all kinds of angry at him for his unhealthy approach this entire day. No sleep, not eating properly, drinking this early, yeah if she knew any of this he would be sleeping on the couch for sure. Out of boredom, Jon brought his wine bottle up to his face and looked through the glass to marvel at how easily he had gotten up to this point; feeling quite proud of himself.

The green bottle’s glass material combined with the flow of the purple elixir gave the scenery of the Ponyville street an abstract view. When he tilted it at different angles the view got distorted and he could see his reflection being bent in odd angles. He found it so amusing he continued doing so for the next several minutes.

Since he was looking straight ahead Jon’s attention was seized by something, something he saw through the semi-clear bottle making its way just up the road in front of the restaurant. At first he didn’t particularly care what it was but the longer he looked at it the more his eyes began to focus on it.

“What the hell?” Jon said to himself in a low tone. He couldn't quite make out what it was but he had a theory which made absolutely no sense. A small figure was floating from the lower section of the street towards the corner in slightly wobbling patterns. It was far too small to be a pegasus and yet slightly bigger than a bird with a low enough altitude that it was at eye level.

Fueled by curiosity Jon set aside his bottle to see what this mysterious floating object was, almost certain that whatever it was it wouldn't surprise him since nothing rarely did in this world; he was wrong.

“What the hell!?” he repeated.

The object hovering along the side of the road was indeed a living thing but it wasn’t exactly what he had expected. It wasn’t a bird nor a pony but instead a turtle, a turtle that had somehow received the gift of flight by the rotor attached to its shell like a helicopter. This flight system was powered by magic as evident by the magical aura surrounding it, but the distance was such that Jon couldn't notice.

What surprised Jon most about this augmented creature wasn’t so much its existence but the fact that no one seemed bothered by it. When he looked over at the other guests no one seemed to be paying it any attention, almost like it was a recurring event. Either that or Jon was so far gone in his alcohol consumption that he was starting to hallucinate.

It would seem Jon thought the latter was the case since he immediately arched his hand to the side and tilted the bottle to spill the remainder of his wine onto the ground, groaning the entire time like he had just gotten out of bed.

“I’m losing my mind.” Jon sighed, closing his eyes in protest even though the supposed flying turtle had already left the area. With his vision obstructed he didn’t even notice that someone was standing just to the side of him, noticing that Jon looked, and started to smell, like he’s had more than he could take.

“Uh, Mr. Stewart?” a voice asked, addressed to him from over his shoulder. With a swift glance over to his right Jon realized that he was no longer alone; in fact it was quite the opposite. Joining him now were not only Coatcheck himself but his two daughters. The whole family was looking up at him, with a tray of food balanced on their heads. All except for Dandelion who was only allowed to hold Jon’s third bottle of wine, which she did in her mouth. “Your food is ready.”

One by one each pony queued up to place a tray of fine cuisine in front of him, each more organic looking than the last. Presentation wise it almost looked as good as some of the best restaurants that Jon had been to in New York.

“Here we are!” Coatcheck said as both he and his daughter did a quick bow. “One chickpea sandwich with a side of broccoli, one large helping of eggplant spread with extra garlic bread, one soybean stew, one fruit salad, one bowl of special soup, and of course your last bottle of wine... unless you plan on ordering another one. Is there anything else we can get for you?”

Had he the nerve he would have asked if what he previously saw flying about was real or not. He ended up just letting it go though, he’d long since given up trying to understand how this world works.

“Nope I should be fine,” Jon answered. “This all looks very good; I’ll be sure to tell my friends and colleagues about this place... both human and pony.” This news brought great joy to the face of Coatcheck who, had he been younger, could have clicked his heels while jumping to express as much.

“Well that’s awfully nice of ya!” he exclaimed. “Come on girls, let’s give our esteemed guest some privacy while he chows down!”

“Enjoy your meal Mr. Stewart,” Sunshine said before leaning in to whisper. “You should really ease up on the alcohol though.” And with that she walked away, leaving her sister Dandelion behind. There was an awkward moment of silence before she spoke.

“Bye!” she said before giving a quick wave and heading toward another guest. Despite each member of the family walking off to attend to some other matter related to the restaurant, Jon could tell they were keeping an eye on him to make sure everything was to his liking. But while all the food was well presented and of top notch ingredients there was still a level of disappointment on Jon’s end.

“So... this is it, huh?” Jon said as he rubbed the back of his head while using an adjacent fork to poke at some of the edibles before him. “Sheesh, I hate to see what their most healthy things are.”

The food before him was indeed numerous but small in size. For a local each platter was enough to feed a single pony, in some cases even two, but for Jon the portions were so small that it felt like a step below a kid’s meal. He didn’t know where to start let alone remember what it was he even ordered to begin with.

Starting with what was the most familiar to him, Jon displayed the evolutionary benefit of his species by using his hands to pick up the heart healthy ensemble that was the chickpea sandwich and quickly taking a bite. It tasted pretty good but a devious thought crossed his mind along the lines that if this sandwich were instead lined with bacon strips and premium ham that perhaps he’d enjoy it more. Reaching over again he grabbed a piece of small broccoli, dipped it into the nearby spread and promptly devoured it. Again good, but not exactly what he was in the mood for.

With a sigh, Jon leaned back for a second where his gaze was taken by the ever present cow still munching away at grass like it was nobody's business. Jon had a thought that this particular cow was eating here long before he arrived and would continue to eat long after he left. Turning his attention to the other side of the restaurant, he saw how every other pony was eating and socializing among themselves or with the helpful staff.

Having gone from all three servers delivering his food to just himself, and still no sight of his contact, gave Jon an eerie sense of loneliness. In a desperate display of longingness, he leaned to his left to the only one thing he could talk to.

“Well Bessy, it looks like it’s just you and me for the time being,” Jon said to the cow who continued to eat her grass. “I seriously do not know how you manage to eat that stuff.”

Jon wondered if he looked more ridiculous talking to himself or with his new hefty friend but at the same time didn’t care; alcohol could do that to a guy. Not at all bothering the cow in question who continued to eat without any signs of slowing down.

“I like you Ms. Cow, you don’t let anyone tell you what’s what and you know exactly what you want! You’re living the dream,” Jon complimented as he reached over to scratch her on the rear, imagining all the succulent dishes that could be served with it alone. “We’re not so different you and I. But I have to admit, I wouldn’t mind having a nice tasty piece of this!”

To emphasize his desire for meat-based products, Jon firmly slapped the Cow’s upper thigh with just enough force to make a sound but gently enough so no one would get hurt. Feeling this strong pat upon its firm self, the cow arched its face upwards, then at Jon, making noises along the way.

“Mooooooooooooeeeeeeeeexcuse me!?” the cow exclaimed, now face to face with Jon.

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” Jon yelled as he threw himself back, hitting his head on the side of the house he occasionally rested on. His roar was so loud everyone in the restaurant, despite what their feelings were, now had their eyes on Jon, unable to return to their meals. “Y-YOU CAN TALK!?”

“Well of course I can talk! I’ll have you know I am a sophisticated and intelligent bovine,” she said in a high class tone, not moving an inch from her spot.

“Y-you can understand me?” Jon asked as he slowly returned to his seat, though now leaning away to keep distance.

“Yes I can, and may I say I do not approve your actions!” she continued. “A lady such as myself does not need to be sexually accosted whilst she is enjoying her meal.”

“Wow, wow, wow what the hell are you talking about!?” Jon demanded to know while holding onto his heart which had been jump started.

“I’m talking about when you laid your hand upon my behind and made a lewd comment on my person,” she explained. “I do believe your exact words were wanting ‘a piece of this.’” It took a few seconds for Jon to properly recollect.

“O-oh... OH no, no, no, no, no, God no, that’s... that is NOT what I meant!” Jon assured her. “I am happily married and don’t swing....that way!”

“Then what exactly did you mean, dear sir!?” the cow demanded to know.

“I just meant that... that if given the circumstances I would... I would want to... eat you,” Jon struggled to say.

“Wha-- How monstrously barbaric!” she exclaimed.

“B-but that was before I knew that you could talk!” he explained. “Had I known cows here were sentient I would... just God, I’m sorry!”

Both parties had calmed down somewhat, with the cow more at rest about being struck and Jon having fully caught his breath; though the ponies watching from the other side were still on the edge of their seats to see what would happen next.

“Well... I suppose I could forgive a certain degree of ignorance on your part,” she continued. “But let me ask you this... do you still feel as though you’d like to... devour me as you say?”

Rather than answering right away, Jon glanced over at his food then back at the cow while imagining all the different entrees her body alone could produce for him.

“Weeeeell,” Jon sighed, his mind not thinking clearly with the alcohol running through him. “I’ll be honest... I’d be lying if I said ‘no.’”

“Well I never!” the cow bellowed as she whipped her tail to slap Jon across the face. In a huff, the cow began to walk away in a slow pace that might fool someone into thinking she was alright but really she was in a fluster. Jon was stuck in a pose of complete shock, it took him a moment to grab the side of his face that was hit before sitting back up properly.

Jon didn’t know what to think or say at this point, so he just watched as the cow strolled away without a second glance. He wanted to call out to her and apologize again but he was still in complete shock so formulating words proved too hard a task. In addition the entire restaurant was dead silent with all eyes and Jon and he knew it. Normally he would have waved at them to get back to their meals but he was still paralyzed from the shock of this ordeal, rendering him unable to do anything but watch the upset cow walk away.

With her out of the way Jon’s left field of vision was now unblocked, leaving him a better view of the street that led back to the center of town. Because of this, not only did he see the cow make her way to the Ponyville town square but he also saw a pony walking the opposite way towards him. This too caught his attention.

“Well now,” Jon thought to himself, still rubbing his cheek. “Who do we have here?”

Usually a random pony wouldn't have been enough to get Jon to tear his gaze away like this, especially since he’d just been slapped by a cow, but for some reason this random brown Earthpony did just that. Partially it was because he was decked out with a brown sports jacket that matched his coat, and a red bow-tie of all things.

Whoever this pony was, he was certainly the most dressed mammal he’d seen all day, but this alone was not enough to hold his attention for long. Jon easily tore his gaze away and focused on both his food and still throbbing face. He couldn't afford to be distracted now, he needed to be on his toes.

Grabbing a nearby fork, Jon tried to force things back to normality by helping himself to the fruit salad before it got too soggy.

“This day.” Jon sighed as he helped himself to a mouthful of fruit. His self reflection was cut short by the overly dressed Earthpony from before in his line of sight again. This time he was now walking up to the restaurant’s main gate where he was immediately greeted by Coatcheck; only instead of a simple greeting he hugged this mysterious newcomer.

“Huh,” Jon thought as he swallowed his food. “Seems like they know each other.”

The two Earthponies exchanged a few words which caused Coatcheck to turn and point his hoof towards Jon.

“W-wait a minute,” Jon’s thoughts continued. “Why’s he pointing at me?”

After a quick nod the brown Earthpony in a red bow tie slowly made his way to Jon’s table.

“Wha-what? No way,” he thought. “Is this the guy who... no it can’t be.”

Jon’s mind began to run wild and his heart began to once again beat with excitement as he reminded himself as to why he was here in the first place. So many things were now being considered by him and suddenly he didn’t know what to do, say, or think. All of his suspicions were confirmed and purpose once again renewed the second this single individual dropped his bag next to Jon’s table and propped himself onto a seat adjacent to his.

“Greetings Mr. Stewart,” the Earthpony said. “I understand you wanted to see me?”

Slowly Jon lifted himself from his seat and, as if he was on auto pilot, extended his hand for an official greeting. His face still frozen in the same look of shock from when his ordeal with the cow but now surprise came in the from of another new comer.

“U-um yeah,” he said taking his hoof. “Dr. Whooves I presume?”