Episode 18: Dr. Whooves on the Daily Show

The Daily Show Interview transcript archive:

Series: Equestrian interviews

Interviewer: Jon Stewart

Guest: Dr. Whooves (Time Turner)

Date: ???

Location: Daily Show headquarters

733 11th Avenue Manhattan, NY 10019

THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

Whenever Jon had a guest on his show he always made sure that at least one personal assistant was attending to him or her at all times. If said guest was a run-of-the-mill author that no one had ever heard of then an intern would watch over them and if it was a high profile celebrity like an A-list movie star or even the president of any given world nation then Jon took it upon himself to show them around the studio.

More often than not the person who kept watch over the guest was Jon’s assistant Selina Jensen, who made a habit of always being in the same room as the guest to guide them like a heavily made-up border collie in a pants suit. She’d only stop looking after them if they directly expressed the desire to be alone or if she knew someone else would take her position.

The reason for this, as Jon liked to explain to his staff, was because he wanted guests to have a good experience to the point where they’d leave with a good taste in their mouth and would be willing to come back again for a re-interview. Jon found that by having at least one person to show them around or wait on them hand and foot they would be more likely to return. This rule of thumb could be applied for nearly everyone who came to his show. Except for Denis Leary; he’d come back for another interview even if Jon didn’t want him to.

Sometimes guests would wonder why this was and ask him backstage why one of his employees was following them around. In response, Jon would always joke and say without hesitation; “To keep you out of trouble.”

There was once a time when Jon would only say that ironically, but whenever he had a guest from Equestria he always made sure they had a baby sitter for just that reason.

Since he had been there several times, and knew the dangers of their world first hand, Jon wanted to make sure that whenever someone arrived from Equestria they always had a handler to keep an eye on them. He wasn’t particularly in the mindset that anyone who came from Equestria was dangerous but the potential liability was what it was, a possibility.

So, not out of fear but out of caution, Jon preferred that Selina personally acted as the human chaperone for every Equestrian Interviewee.

Besides Jon, she had the most experience with Equestrian guests ever since day one when Spike himself tried to eat her necklace, so she was the perfect choice. She was always there to either explain or diffuse a possibly volatile situation. If a pony had questions regarding human life or the show she’d explain what would happen and if a staff member had some misconceptions or objections about working on or with the guest she’d be there to explain that there was nothing to be fearful of.

However, this time around everyone from Selina to the staff members to even Jon himself, to some degree, were confused about having Dr. Whooves on the show.

The numerous members of the Daily Show staff, who at this point had seen their fair share of guests from Equestria, were confused as to why Jon decided to interview Dr. Whooves of all ponies. As agreed upon by the two of them, Jon made sure to tell no one of his status as a time traveler, so to staff members he just looked like an ordinary Earthpony with an equally ordinary and dull job to go with it- timekeeper. He didn’t even have the added bonus of being a vibrant tone of color like his colleagues before him and yet Jon changed the format of the stage for him in the form of having a blue Tardis on display near the desk.

But probably the most confused by this choice was Selina who felt like she was being kept in the dark about something. This was mostly because she couldn't understand why this seemingly bland character was important enough that Jon wanted her to never let him out of her sight. Her instructions, which Jon hammered into her head the second he arrived at the office, were to never take her eyes off of him and to make sure he doesn’t try anything funny.

Her suspicions only worsened once she met with Whooves in person. At first glance something about him seemed oddly familiar though she couldn't quite put her finger on it. In addition, contrary to how most ponies acted, once he made contact with the human world he didn’t immediately begin to bombard the nearest human with an endless flow of questions and comments.

Sometimes the culture shock of being in a new world made them nervous or scared, but with Whooves he acted no different than he usually did, that is to say he was the picture of nonchalance. As a matter of fact, the second he touched down he immediately went to the dressing room and stayed there for the remainder of the day, refusing to venture anywhere else or converse with any humans.

She found it odd for a pony but in actuality this behavior was quite normal for Whooves who preferred to be alone- but Selina was a good judge of character and didn’t peg him as the anti- social type, quite the opposite really. She was just put off by how he didn’t question anything around him. He didn’t ask about how the show’s format works, or have any questions regarding human culture and what he should avoid saying; he just stayed in his dressing room and said nothing almost as if he’d done this before and already knew the answers to these questions.

In fact, for the entire day he only asked two things of Selina. The first being a request that she go and bring him a cup of tea, and the other being that she take his picture in front of the entrance of the Daily Show set moments before the third segment began.

As always, whatever Jon’s emotions and state of mind might have been before the show (in this case anxious with a hint of fear) were quickly replaced by his usual bout of cheerful facetiousness that carried the show for a half hour as brought on by his expert acting. It was this very same glee that was present when the crowd began to vocally express their joy when the camera did its usual panning to the front of the stage right after stock footage of Manhattan in fast forward was shown on screen to signal that the commercial was over.

Their cheers echoed all through the halls of Daily Show Headquarters while the camera did a sweep of the studio to show off the packed audience as well as the slightly altered stage. Finally it did its final zoom on Jon who was at his desk placing his notes in chronological order while jostling back and forth in his chair like he was listening to catchy music.

Lingering for a bit he pretended to not notice it was time to start only to express fake shock and point at the nearest camera with his pen.

“Hey everybody welcome back to the Daily Show my guest tonight!” Jon roared over the crowd as he flipped his pen into the air and caught it in his hand without looking. “He’s a very clever young man from the town of Ponyville where he is their timekeeper as well as the husband of previous Daily Show attendee, Derpy Whooves.”

Youtube Video

“Okay either that was the wrong clip or we’re using some crazy-ass filters,” Jon commented as a confused audience laughed at his choice of video. “Please welcome to the show Time Turner, also known as ‘Dr. Whooves.’”

With nothing to go by aside from name and the occasional commercial preview (that didn’t happen in this instance) the crowd defaulted to cheering in their usual level of enthusiasm which, considering that they were about to see another talking animal, was somewhere around “ear shattering.”

As is sometimes the case, Jon didn’t have a chance to meet up with Whooves before the show. His being on a conference call kept him away but with Selina acting as his tour guide and their having previously met he was certain that not much would happen. Little did he realize what underhanded tactics were at play here.

With the crowd cheering for things to get started, a lone figure slowly emerged from backstage with Jon recognizing him as Dr. Whooves. This identification was further cemented by the fact that he was dressed virtually the same as when they had lunch and by how he grinned the same smile to the audience as he did most of the time with Jon.

Confidently he walked across the stage, occasionally stopping to lift himself on his hind legs and use both front hooves to blow kisses at the audience. By the joyous look on his face one could tell he was enjoying himself; one might also say a little too much since the interview hadn’t even started.

The height of Whooves’ enjoyment was most evident when at one point, while standing straight up, the posh pony with the everlasting smile threw his forelegs to the side and spun around like he was Maria von Trapp in the flim the “The Sound of Music;” stopping just short of doing a little song and dance routine. He did this display of delight right in front of his Tardis which he hadn’t seen before now as they had to place it on stage before hand, which everyone thought was just more props.

The audience got much enjoyment out of this and cheered for him while he stood in the middle of of the stage, basking in the hot lights of the building with his forelegs still to the side like he was trying to absorb every minute of the experience.

Jon hadn’t gotten out of his seat to meet his guest halfway as he sometimes did but instead resigned himself to sit in his chair and watch his future interviewee gesturing his way closer and closer to the desk, stopping to pump his hooves in the air or curl his forelegs back to beg the audience for more volume.

The camera was on Whooves the entire time, as to be expected, so those watching at home didn’t see Jon who was just off screen, sitting at his helm while patiently waiting for his guest to sit down. There he sat, studying his guest as a hunter did his prey, going over what he was going to say and predicting how the interview might play out. This was his final chance and he was going to make it count.

Whooves was in the human world, he was going to be interviewed, he believed that he had his time machine, Jon had his paperwork as well as another “guest” waiting for him back in his office. Everything was in order. As time went on, Whooves eventually inched his way to within a few feet of the desk.

Giving a smile that carefully concealed his nervous expressions, Jon got up and offered him his seat which he blindly took without looking as if he knew ahead of time that Jon’s kind gesture was coming. With a quick hop backwards Whooves jumped in his chair and raised his forelegs in the air then dropped them to point at the audience with a wink before swiveling into place- his last ditch attempt to initiate a quick pander to the audience.

Jon watched all of this and just shook his head with an added sigh of amusement. As Jon sat down he quickly ran over the facts of what he knew in his head like a lawyer reviewing the evidence before a murder trial. He was ready and so was his opponent.

Before he spoke, Jon made one last observation about his guest. Because while he looked virtually the same as last he saw him there was one little detail about him that was new. Along with his leather bag, brown sports jacket, and red bow-tie Whooves had one extra article of clothing that he didn’t previously have. That being a jaunty fez, the same shade of red as his bowtie; Jon had an idea as to where he got it.

“Hello and welcome to the Daily Show!” Jon said. “Thank you so much for being here and before we get started shall I say... that is a rather nice hat you have there.”

“Why thank you very much!” Whooves said with much enthusiasm as he adjusted it atop his head. “I found it in your prop room; hope you don't mind I borrowed it... I think it looks good on me, don’t you?”

Before he could answer that question a few audience members did it for him by making a quick and loud yelping noise of approval.

“Uh, what she said,” Jon said, pointing at the now laughing audience. “So Mr. Whooves... you a-- again thanks for being here... you, you, you are the timekeeper for... Ponyville am I right?”

“Yes, yes I am,” Whooves answered.

“I see... a-and you’re also a time traveler right?” Jon added. And then silence.

Whenever a guest from Equestria came to Daily Show Headquarters the staff always had a good enough idea of what they were working with; usually in the form of a little memo sent via email. Up until now everyone knew Whooves as a simple time keeper from an equally simple town- but this startling new development took them all by surprise. From the interns in the back to the sound guys up top, no one saw this coming.

Selina was put in the unwanted position she hated ever so much; not knowing what was going on. While both the crowd and those on stage fell silent she looked at her clipboard at the profile she composed of Whooves incase she missed something. Under occupation it only said “timekeeper” but now that she was viewing all her notes in their entirety while looking at the pony himself she finally made the connection. She now knew why he seemed so familiar before.

“I thought... we agreed we wouldn't talk about that... Jonathan,” Whooves finally said after a lengthy bout of murmuring from the audience...

“Well we have a rule here on the Daily Show,” Jon answered. “And that rule is on my show... we’re to have complete transparency.”

Aside from FOX pundits who he tricked into coming on his show, Jon never liked to argue with his guest on live television. When it came to Whooves he felt the best way to counter his wisecracking attitude would be with a stone-hard serious demeanor, head on. And yet something about how Whooves reacted to this accusation worried him; specifically the fact that he didn’t react at all.

The first time Jon accused him of being a time traveler he broke down and nearly ran away in terror, and that was back when it was just the two of them at a table where no one could hear them.

But now that Jon was doing so in front of billions of people; nothing. Despite their agreement beforehand Jon had exposed his darkest secret to two worlds at once but his reaction couldn’t be any more unlike what Jon had expected.

Whooves kept himself calm and collected without any hint of disturbance while Jon did the same by reminding himself that no matter what his guest was planning he had the upperhand. He had his facts, he had made sure Whooves was out of his element, and if all else failed he had an ace in the hole waiting back in his office.

As if he was looking over a pair of sunglasses, Whooves tilted his head forward to look at Jon. His being outed didn’t seem to bother him at all; if anything it seemed like he relished in it by how he responded with a grin.

Jon was ready. No matter how much he denied it Jon was fully prepared to back up his claims with irrefutable proof; he just needed to play his cards right.

“Well Jon,” Whooves said which made Jon’s itchy trigger finger thumb away at his notes. “You’re right.”

“Wait... e-excuse me,” Jon responded, his iron strong expression of concentration thoroughly shattered. During recording or airing the live crowd in the studio were encouraged to refrain from talking and to only vocalize themselves when Jon said something funny, and only then in the form of laughter. There weren’t enough staff members in the world who could have refrained the audience from gossiping among themselves.

“I said, you’re right,” he repeated himself as he turned to face the camera. “My name is Dr. Whooves, though some of you might know me as Time Turner... and I... am a time traveler from the future.”

When Equestrian Interviews first started to air humans were very suspicious that what they were viewing was real and were quick to speculate. While those in Equestria, having been subjected to such things on a regular basis, held no such skepticism.

In this case the roles were reversed. With the human populace at this point having seen dragons, unicorns, pegasi, minotaurs, and bug like demons, the notion that this pony was a time traveler didn’t seem so far-fetched to them while those back home in Equestria were wondering what their friend Whooves was going on about.

“So just like that? Y-y-you admit it?” Jon asked, feeling like something wasn’t quite right here. “You admit that you-- that you can travel... through time?”

“Sure. I mean that’s what you wanted right?” Whooves said. “Why hide it any longer... so yes, I am a time traveler.”

Jon took a moment to think about what this meant. His plan at around this point during the interview was to show Whooves for who he really was by using documentative proof but he already went and did that for him. Had Jon been thinking more clearly he would have realized that he was the one being played, but his ambitions blinded him.

“Well then I uh... I guess you already answered my first question,” Jon said, determined to let Whooves dig himself deeper.

“And what might that be?” Whooves responded.

“Well, I was going to ask where you are from. You know like uh... like if you were from the past ... present or future,” Jon said. “But I guess you already... I mean do tell. How uh... how far in the future are we talking here?”

“Hmmmm let’s see,” Whooves said as he leaned back to count imaginary numbers. “Okay what year is it heeeeere... add to that the amount of time.... then we carry the three... and let’s say it’s been how looong... I’d say around the neighborhood of about... 1000 years in the future.”

“What!” Jon said. It was always assumed on his part that Whooves was from this time period. “You’re a-- you’re from.... 1000 years into the future!?”

“Well... technically 998 now since I’ve lived in Ponyville for a couple of years...” Whooves corrected. “But for the sake of whole numbers yes, let’s say 1000.”

Whooves continued to do what Jon wanted him to do, which made the comedy legend feel more cocky about how far he could take this.

“In that case can I ask why are you-- the thing that I don’t understand in this,” Jon said, pausing for a moment to gather his thoughts. “You live 1000 years in the future, you... you manage to build a machine, a machine that can travel through time no less... and your first... uh and the first thing you do is go to the past? Why?”

Half the crowd laughed at this humourous question while the other half were on the edge of their seats in anticipation.

“I’ll be honest with ya Mr. Stewart- coming back here wasn’t exactly... shall we say something I wanted to do,” Whooves answered. “The reason why I’m here is because well... where I come from I’m something of an outlaw.”

“You’re uh... y-you’re a criminal?” Jon asked as he found it increasingly difficult to keep up with all this new information.

“You could say that. Allow me to explain... back where I’m from time travel doesn’t exist anymore,” Whooves elaborated.

“Wait... ‘anymore?’” Jon interrupted.

“Yes... funny that. Thing is, right now as I speak the ability to travel through time is technically possible over in Equestria,” Whooves said.

“A-are you serious!?” Jon asked.

“Yes, but it’s highly inefficient and extremely limited to the public, as to be expected,” Whooves answered. “You see... in Equestria there are such things as magical spells that when used can send the user backwards or forward through time. But here’s the catch... those spells are a bitch to use, and even if you can pull it off it’s hard to properly stabilize. And to top it off they are only found in Castles and libraries of only the most advanced Unicorns in the world.”

“Fucking 1%,” Jon added. After a quick laugh both Jon and the audience consciously decided to just sit and listen as this pony talked about how the ability to traverse through time itself was so common in Equestria.

“I’ll bet that if Celestia herself tried using a time traveling spell she’d only be able to travel back a week,” Whooves continued. “And even then these time travel spells lack the power to maintain themselves... so even if you can use them you’d just sling shot back to your own time after a few seconds of usage... all in all, very ineffective.”

“Barely works... aaand when it does it’s not very productive-- i-it’s the pony equivalent of finding a prize at the bottom of the cereal box,” Jon added. “So time travel spells aren’t even that good... and then there’s you.” Try as he might he found it hard to not get engrossed too much into the forbidden future history of Equestria.

“Yes, I’m sure you may know where this is going. You see, in my time all spells relating to or in support of time travel were destroyed by royal decree,” Whooves went on to say. “Every time travel spell in Equestria, which to be fair wasn’t even that much, was transported to Canterlot where they were destroyed forever. In addition, those who knew of or had at one point used a time traveling spell wiped their memories so that there was no chance of it ever being remade again.”

“Why... why did the... the Castle go to such great lengths to make sure time travel isn't possible?” Jon asked, tempted to start writing notes.

“Oh they have their reasons. You see future Canterlot felt that time travel, under any circumstance, was too dangerous a concept to let exist,” Whooves said as he laid back in his chair after a sigh. “Even now there are those who believe that such power shouldn't have been created in the first place... but in regards to why in the future such spells are not extinct the real reason was because of... the incident.”

There wasn’t a single person alive who knew what he was talking about. Both humans and ponies alike were now begging for Jon to ask the next logical question to continue this train of discussion. He soon did.

“What incident?” Jon asked, slightly afraid of the answer.

“I’m glad you asked! Allow me to share with you some history that has yet to happen!” Whooves said as he turned to face the camera. “For those of you watching over in Canterlot a word of warning... you will be invaded by evil forces... again!”

“Wait! Canterlot’s in danger!?” Jon asked.

“Indeed they are... citizens of Canterlot, heed my warning! You will be attacked by a creature of such overwhelming power and evil that even Celestia herself will be near powerless to stop it!” Whooves warned. “This monster will not only attempt to destroy all of you and everything you’ve grown to love but it will also attempt to destroy the very elements of harmony that keeps all life and existence in constant motion... essentially this evil force will attempt to destroy all of life as we know it!”

“M-my god!” Jon said. “That’s terrible! I don’t... who-- w-w-w-when will this happen!?”

“Oh about 950 years from now,” Whooves idly answered like it was no big deal. “Oh and don’t worry, he doesn’t succeed in this plan... as a matter of fact he fails pretty badly.”

In a sort of morbid way some viewers found this rather funny.

“I don’t... wait, why are you telling me this again?” Jon said, having successfully lost track of perspective.

“To explain why time travel is outlawed, remember?” Whooves answered.

“Riiiight,” Jon said. “So... how does--”

“I’m getting to that... see it’s like this. In the future Canterlot gets invaded. This time by a monster by the name of Retchstrike,” Whooves explained. “I won’t bore you with the details but basically this guy had the bright idea of using his dark magic to go back in time and stop the Elements of Harmony from ever being created. By doing so he promised to plunge all of Equestria into eternal darkness ruled by evil.”

“But... l-like you said, he failed... right?” Jon asked.

“Yes, I wasn’t even alive at the time but as the history books tell it he was ultimately defeated, though to his credit it took every available princess to do it,” Whooves answered. “Anyway, afterwards there were many loooooong debates on whether or not time traveling should exist or not. At the time, and still even now, using magic to travel through time is highly illegal. But there was talk among the Castle on whether or not it should exist at all.”

“So one guy ruined it for everyone else huh?” Jon commented while leaning forward on his elbows. “I guess having this Retchstrike try and destroy the elements made some ponies nervous.”

“Oh you have no idea! Some officials pushed harder for the destruction of these spells than others let me just say,” Whooves explained. “But in the end a conclusion was made several years later and, as I explained previously, all magic relating to time travel was destroyed.”

Taking a second for himself, Jon went over and attempted to decrypt all this new knowledge in his head which was hand delivered to him by Whooves on a silver platter. He barely knew anything about Equestria’s past and now he was being told their future; he could hardly believe it. But once he did a once over a realization popped into his head, both simple and yet enlightening.

“And... that’s why you’re an outlaw,” Jon concluded. “Because even though they destroyed it you discovered how to travel through time.”

“Now you’re getting it!” Whooves complemented.

“Soooo... let me ask you something and be honest with me,” Jon said, leaning forward. “How much could I get for turning you in?”

The crowd laughed at Jon’s brand of humour which also seemed to work on Whooves who was now chuckling to himself.

‘So uh did, uh... did anyone try to stop you or what?” Jon asked.

“Oooh yes they have! I’d give them an A for effort but let’s just say those in power would rather see me back home and in custody,” Whooves answered as he looked over his shoulder at his Tardis. “I mean, I understand where they’re coming from but they’re all so paranoid that someone could use time travel irresponsibly.”

“You know, despite my age I’m not an expert on the concept of time, but I think they may have had a point,” Jon said, followed by a wave of laughter from both the audience and his guest. “Who knows, someone might do something incredibly irresponsible like going into the past and saying all this on national television.”

“Oh, ho, ho! Good point!” Whooves said. While his guest laughed Jon was too busy holding back smiles of his own. Things couldn't have gone more in his favor with Whooves just blissfully setting himself up for a great big fall... or at least that’s what Jon assumed was going on.

“So tell me Whooves... I mean you say that in your time time travel doesn’t exist anymore... and yet here you are,” Jon implied. “So tell me... how did you do it? How did you manage to do the impossible and create a real working time machine?”

“Aaaaaaaah, good question. See this is where things gets interesting,” Whooves said.

“So I’m guessing it wasn’t craigslist then?” Jon asked.

“Oh no, no, nothing so gauche,” Whooves answered as he placed both hind legs on the table in an arching position. “Yes, I think a little stroll down memory lane would be nice... to be honest I’ve always had a thing for the idea of traveling through time... but I believe what really got the ball rolling was my involvement in the great ‘time traveler’s race of ‘89.’”

Grabbing his head in preparation, Jon had a sinking sensation that he was about to learn a whole new load of information about Equestrian history that hadn’t yet happened.

“T-t-the what!?” Jon roared, his eyes so wide he feared they might fall out. “There was a race between time travellers!?”

“That’s right Jon! It was a whole group of us! About nine to ten of the most hardened ponies you’d ever seen! We all wore leather jackets, red scarfs, and aviator goggles, hopped in our individual thinly disguised time machines and raced through the past to see who could travel back the longest before giving up like an extreme game of chicken!” Whooves said, explaining this with wild foreleg movements. “Unfortunately they all died in the process! Double Down, Heat Stroke, Savannah Hill, Ozone Layer, even Fat Bob, all gone, leaving me the only one who survived! When I stopped I found myself 1000 years into the past and decided to stay here and drink away my problems, to try and drown my sorrows and eventually forget that it was I and I alone that caused the deaths of my time traveling colleagues!”

“R... really?” Jon asked, so on the edge of his seat he was inches away from falling down.

“No,” Whooves answered in a deadpan tone. “That would be silly.”

The crowd took this opportunity to laugh at Jon like he was a freshman in highschool. For all his belief that he was setting Whooves up during the interview he fell face first into his trap and paid for it by having his own audience turn on him momentarily.

“Now then if we could be serious here for a second,” Whooves dictated as he sat up in his chair with a face that conveyed the opposite. “The ‘time traveler’s race’ was an event spanning about five years after the royal family destroyed all the time traveling spells. It was an event wherein a large number of Unicorns raced to see who could be the first to develop the magic of time travel again.”

“Interesting,” Jon commented. “Why uh... why did they do this if it was illegal?”

“Oh I’ll tell ya why; in fact I’ll tell you in a one word answer: Greed,” Whooves answered. “You see, the ‘time traveler’s race’ was actually a competition orchestrated by a very wealthy and politically influential pony by the name of Bolt Shock. Bolt Shock you see saw the destruction of all time traveling spells as a waste of potential and a massacre of valuable knowledge. To him it was childish and irresponsible to try and get rid of it so he issued a challenge to any Unicorn; one billion bits to the first pony to successfully reinvent a time traveling spell for him.”

“Wow! That’s... that certainly is a lot of money!” Jon commented while using his notes to fan himself. “This Bolt Shock really sounds like he cared a lot about the preservation of information.”

“Yeeeeaaaah not really,” Whooves rebutted. “It was later revealed that he didn’t care at all about the protection of spells or anything like that, he was just in it for himself. In reality he just wanted somepony to develop a method of time travel so he could use it to expand his empire. You see, Bolt Shock made his money by developing weapons and thought he could harness the power of time travel for himself, or at the very least go into the future to steal trade secrets.”

“And I thought our corporations were bad. I mean we... w-we’ll cut hours so we won’t have to give health insurance but I don’t think we’d rise to the evils of altering the timeline... to... to, to turn a profit by capitalizing on knowledge that might-- holy shit, I’m giving them ideas,” Jon said, using his hand to cover his mouth. “So about the fact that you-- s-so tell me is this... uh, one of the uh, the reasons that you’re considered a criminal in the future? Because you were helping this-- because you were helping Bolt Shock?”

“Nooooo not exactly. What you need to understand is that Bolt Shock kept his true intentions a secret for many years. He always kept his image clean by asserting that what he was asking wasn’t illegal. The loophole being that while using a time traveling spell was severely illegal, there was no law that said one couldn’t own or produce one since it would be redundant what with them not existing anymore,” Whooves went on. “But you see this didn’t stop the royal family from cracking down on Unicorns who tried anyway. This was an important event in Equestrian history because it was seen by some as the Castle overstepping its boundaries. To them anypony trying to create a means for time travel was a criminal and they were sanctioned for doing so.”

“When you talk... about overstepping boundaries what exactly did they do?” Jon asked, adjusting himself in his seat. “I mean did they ever.... um.... did they ever try to come after you... initially or-- what happened?” The question seemed to make Whooves’ smile deepen, exposing his clear white teeth.

“That’s the beauty of it all, Jonathan,” Whooves said as he threw his forelegs to the side like he was imitating the king of the world scene from Titanic. “I was never suspected of trying to build a time machine. While other ponies had their research confiscated or were dragged off for questioning I myself was never even approached by a royal representative. Even though I was public about my disapproval of the Castle’s actions and it was rumoured that I had an interest in and had been working on a way to time travel even before the contest no one truly suspected me.”

“Did-- and why was that?” Jon asked as he leaned in and placed his palm close to his mouth like he was whispering. “Blink twice if you bribed someone.”

Pausing for a bit, Whooves slowly raised his hoof and placed it in the center of his forehead as he too leaned in.

“I’ll tell you why Jonathan... I’m not a Unicorn,” Whooves answered also in pretend whisper. “You know how here in this Equestria you have towns mostly comprised of one race of pony? That’s nothing compared to where I’m from. Even in the future the topic of classicism is still very much an issue. Basically I was never even on the radar because the idea that time travel could be attained by a lumbering, block-headed Earthpony was more inconceivable a concept than time travel itself.”

Hearing this made Jon feel a slight twang of guilt. Even as someone as open minded as Jon he had to admit he had similar prejudices about Equestrian beings; prejudices that weren’t unlike what Whooves was talking about.

“Where I’m from, time travel was thought by most ponies to be only possible through the horn of a Unicorn,” Whooves continued. “The idea that an Earthpony could build a time machine from scratch by himself was a thought that nopony could believe in... well... that’s not entirely true... there was one pony who believed in me.”

“Really?” Jon said with some preconceived suspicions. “And who would that be?”

As if he was testing the patience of both Jon and the easily enraptured audience, Whooves took a moment to tilt back his head, as if the further he reclined the better he’d be able to continue his anecdote.

“First a little context... as I’ve said I’ve always been fascinated with the concept of time travel; ever since a very young age I always felt like it was something most interesting. Just for fun I first attempted to build a time machine my first year of college because as we all know nothing said ‘hello ladies’ quite like riding up in a time machine,” Whooves jested which made him have to pause and wait for the crowd to stop laughing. “A few years in I just stopped and never really thought about it again, mostly because I had other research and obligations that needed attending to. Fast forward another few years and then the challenge by Bolt Shock was issued to the world. Obviously his one billion bits was very tempting but what really got me back into the idea was one pony.”

Stopping once more for dramatic effect, Whooves could hear the sound of chairs squeaking as those in attendance leaned in to better hear.

“And that pony was a dear mate of mine,” Whooves said. “My mentor, my colleague and former professor, the great pony logician and an even greater friend... Zenith.”

This was a rare moment in Daily Show history where, during an episode of Equestrian Interviews, both humans and ponies watching had no idea what the guest was referring to.

“W-wait... who?” Jon said, asking what everyone in the audience was thinking.

“Oh Jonathan... back where I’m from there isn’t a pony alive who doesn’t know who Zenith is. If I had to regionalize an example for you I’d say that Zenith was closely related to a human you might’ve heard of called Leonardo da Vinci. In my time he’s a world famous philosopher known for his inventions, teachings, and advancements in modern science, becoming the benefactor of our species. Also, fun fact, he’s a descendant of Twilight Sparkle,” Whooves chuckled. “And, if I can be a bit biased for a moment, he is one of the greatest ponies to have ever lived. Back in my time there are those who would travel half way across the world just for a chance to ask him a single question and I was lucky enough to be his protege. To put it simply, because of his idealistic principles, Zenith will be remembered as one of the most influential ponies to ever exist.”

“But is he smart enough to figure out why kids like the taste of cinnamon toast crunch? Because personally I just... I-I-I I just don’t get it!” Jon commented, the reference lost on Whooves but still funny enough to make him laugh. “So is he.... is he uh, the reason-- is he the one who got you to finish your time machine?”

“Oh he did more than just that. I had him as my mentor when I was starting out in university. He claimed to see great potential in me and inspired and challenged me to prove to the world what we Earthponies could do. In fact, when I first told him about my idea for time travel he was skeptical and thought me a fool,” Whooves continued. “But when I showed him my notes and ideas he was astounded. It wouldn't be till much later, after I had left the college, did the opportunity arise for me to show my skills. And the rest is history: Bolt Shock issued his challenge, Zenith encouraged me to finish my device, no pony from the Castle tried to stop me, and I was the only one left to finish the race... which I did.”

“Making you the first pony ever to build a time machine,” Jon added.

“The first Earthpony to build a time machine!” Whooves corrected.

“Why does that matter?” Jon asked.

“Oh, ho, ho, ho it matters! Remember how I said classicism is a big thing in my time? Well one of the reasons why Zenith took me under his wing was because we’re both Earthpony scientists,” Whooves explained. “He wanted to use me as an example that Earthponies are just as capable of cultural advancements as Unicorns if not better. He thought the idea of one Earthpony doing what hundreds of Unicorns could not was just oh so satisfying.”

“He wanted to make you a martyr did he?” Jon asked while stroking his chin.

“Yes because you see the idea that higher educated professions are Unicorn dominated and that Earthponies are built for manual labor still very much exists in the future as it does now,” Whooves answered. “And Zenith hated that idea... almost as much as he hates Unicorns.”

“I uh... I can certainly understand... why your mentor wouldn't like negative stereotypes,” Jon commented. “But to actually go as far as to say he hated a race of ponies is... well that just seems a bit superficial.”

“Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t hate them he’s just... not a fan of them. Zenith is a great pony with revolutionary ideas and a sharp mind that will be greatly missed once he passes on... but he is not without his faults,” Whooves explained. “He finds Unicorns infuriatingly arrogant and elitist. To him there’s a reason why the Earthponies get Ponyville at the bottom of a gorge while the Unicorns get Canterlot atop a mountain...oh and speaking of which don’t even get him started on the Castle.”

“Do you mean he doesn't like how it looks or-- because I’ve been to the Castle before,” Jon reminded. “And....er, I’m not an interior decorator but... it is pretty tacky.”

“More like he doesn't like those in the Castle,” Whooves corrected as the audience still chuckled.

“Sooo not a fan of the monarchy is he?” Jon asked.

“Oh not even a little bit, he-- I was being facetious before but when it comes to the royal family... he hates them for sure!” Whooves said.

“Y-you know as someone who uh, who technically works for-- or rather works with them... I gotta say I’m not understanding his disdain here,” Jon said. “I’ve met Celestia and her sister a few times now and I... I, I, I gotta say they are some of the most compassionate... and well adjusted leaders I’ve ever met, and I know Bill Clinton.”

“Well to understand my teacher you need to also understand that our world is different than your own,” Whooves commented. “You see, in the coming 1000 years technology in Equestria evolves and changes as science becomes a more dominate field... but here is the thing... historically speaking the Castle and those who reside in it are more on the traditionalistic side who feel that magic is the answer to everything.”

“And I’m going to guess that your mentor Zenith is on the side of science rather than magic,” Jon assessed. “What with his whole not liking Unicorns thing.”

“It’s not just because the Castle is ruled by Unicorns! You see what you also need to understand is that ponies like Celestia, Luna, Cadance and all the like, feel that magic is absolute and will be the thing that ultimately governs the world and is the authority over the land,” Whooves said in defense of his friend. “Whereas Zenith believed that the Castle’s tendency to cling to the old ways was ultimately detrimental to our way of life. He felt that science and the advancement of pony-made technology was the way of the future and things like magic and monarchy were getting in the way of progress to the point where if there were no magic rulers science could expand and evolve at a much faster pace. He spent his whole life fighting the Castle on nearly every decision they ever made.”

“So basically this Zenith guy is a pony version of Galileo, okay I get it,” Jon surmised. “And seeing as how... a-as you said he is remembered as one of uh... one of history's greatest philosophers I guess there were a lot of ponies who felt the same way as he did.”

“It’s true! Since he was an Earthpony talking out against the Castle and campaigning for alternative means of fundamental values that anypony could apply, rather than magic being exclusive to Unicorns who were in charge, he really had a diverse following of young and old disenfranchised masses,” Whooves explained with a proud look about him. “In fact, his social and political views became so popular that he gathered a few of his colleagues and developed a society based in Canterlot that served as challengers to the Castle’s teachings called ‘Terra Equinity.’ This society was originally for Earthponies only and was established mainly to help said Earthponies rise up from oppression. But as time went on they became so popular that anypony could join and the focus shifted a bit and became the leading force for the advancements of free thought and the sharing of scientific ideas, sparking an entire generation of scientists... such as myself.”

“I can imagine how it must feel... to create something and have it evolve into something far bigger than yourself,” Jon understood. “W-was it Zenith’s decision to... make the society more open?”

“Honestly no; he didn’t like the idea,” Whooves answered almost embarrassingly. “He preferred that it stay Earthponies only like himself and the original founders. But as time went on the general consensus was that they’d be stronger and would have more of an impact if its members were more diverse... if he had his way it wouldn't have happened but he was outnumbered.”

“Did he go all Archie Bunker on their decision?” Jon playfully asked, quickly changing gears so he could put on his best Brooklyn accent. “Hey there eh, Edith, what’s with all dem Unicorn and Pegasusus types wanting to join all of a sudden. Eh, der goes da neighborhood!”

“I... don’t know what any of that was,” Whooves dismissed. “But yes, he wasn’t happy with the idea, though personally I didn’t share his view. By the time I joined, the organization had found its way to so many other cities our influence was stronger than ever before...”

“Oh, you’re a member too?” Jon asked.

“Yes I am, one might say I didn’t have a choice!” Whooves chuckled as he shook his head. “Usually it takes a few years to join but Zenith pulled every string he could and pulled on every hoof he saw till I was admitted on day one.”

“Now are you sure Zenith was a philosopher?” Jon asked. “Because going by how insistent he was on having you join it sounds like, uh... sounds like he was more of a gym employee trying to get you to sign up for a two year contract.”

“No, no I assure you all he wanted was for me to be apart of the most influential group there was,” Whooves commented. “He wanted to make sure I had every access to the same contacts he had.”

“Sounds like he really wanted what was best for both you and the society,” Jon commented.

“Well actually by the time I joined he wasn’t as involved as he used to be. What he really wanted was for me to have every available resource that there was,” Whooves corrected. “Though at the same time, yes, having me join the organization was beneficial to them as well. After all... not to brag but I was the first pony ever to build a time machine.”

“Yeah about that why-- what I don’t understand is... I mean you... you made your time traveling machine to win the eh, the time traveler's race, right?” Jon asked. “Then why did you travel back in time instead of giving your invention to Mr. Bolt Shock and collecting your winnings? Because I tell ya if I had a chance to win a billion dollars... I uh... I wouldn’t go. ‘You know being rich does sound nice... but at the same time I’ve always wanted to live among cavemen.’”

“Well you see after I finished it I wanted to be sure it would actually work,” Whooves explained. “So for a while I did some small tests and calibrations to make sure I dotted all my ‘i’s and crossed all my ‘t’s. Then it was discovered that ol’ Bolt Shock was going to use whoever gave him the power of time travel for his own benefit so I decided not to give it to him.”

“You know that is very responsible of you both as a uh, uh, uh a pony... and as a man of science but at the same time I feel like I should remind you... one billions bits... there-- that’s a lot of money,” Jon said. “But no you made... the right decision and I commend you for that. But going back a bit... you didn’t answer my question.”

“Excuse me?” Whooves countered.

“I said you didn’t answer my question,” Jon repeated. “You did explain why you never gave your invention to Bolt Shock... but no where in your answer did you explain why you went 1000 years into the past.”

Even though Jon’s intention was to trap him, Whooves just shrugged it off like it was nothing but absentmindedness on his part.

“Oh that; no reason,” Whooves answered. “Although to be honest between the Castle destroying possibly useful advancement spells and underhanded business ponies as corrupt as they were wealthy trying to use underhanded tactics to advance their net worth... I just felt like a change of scenery was necessary.”

At the corner of Jon’s eyes he could see nodding heads from those in the audience. His explanation had convinced everyone that his reasons for leaving his time were for the best and of the best intentions... all except Jon.

“Yeah you see... I don’t believe you,” Jon shot back. “I don’t believe for a second that you... you, you, you just up and left everything behind: Your uh, your research, your life, your friends, your family... just... left all of that to start a new life in present day Ponyville.”

“Well... you can believe what you want but that’s the truth of the matter,” Whooves maintained as he leaned back to look over at the audience. “And unless you can prove otherwise... I remain steadfast in my assertions. Or as we called it back at the society, ‘terra firma.’”

For a moment there, in stark contrast to how things usually went, Jon was starting to lose the audience. The way he harped on Whooves for his decision and branded him as a liar made him look like a bully by comparison but Jon Stewart would never pursue a point like this if he didn’t have something to back it up.

“Well see here’s the thing... before doing an interview I like to do a little... research on my guest,” Jon revealed which forced Whooves to turn his attention back over to Jon. “And you are no exception.”

Unable to contain their excitement, the audience made an audible wooing sound like they were an alarm that was giving warning of imminent danger.

“Is this right?” Whooves said, his smile still cemented on his face. “Well doooo tell Jon! What did you find?”

“To be perfectly honest,” Jon said as he reached under his desk and produced a manilla envelope filled with papers. “Not much.”

With a toss of his hand Jon flung the small stack of papers onto the desk where it partially spilled out in front of him. Whooves knew what it was so he didn’t feel the need to examine it, though from here he saw headers that read things like “Proof of registry” and “Home owner’s deed.”

“Oh how interesting! You found my files!” Whooves chuckled like he didn’t care. “These are supposed to be private... might I ask where did you get these?”

“Mayor Mare gave them to me. Right before I came back to my world I took a trip down to Ponyville City Hall and made a... personal request to the mayor to let me look at your records,” Jon answered. “It wasn’t exactly easy and I’ll admit I had to twist her arm a little bit here and there but eventually we settled on an agreement... let’s just say I owe her a big endorsement the next time she runs for office. For some reason she had a hard time finding anything about you so I took every documentation she had and had my staff rifle through, looking for anything interesting.”

“How scandalous! Although I must say I am curious to learn what you found out,” Whooves said as he placed his hoof on his own record and pushed it back to Jon. “So tell me... what did they reveal? What did you learn?”

“Barely anything... just like I suspected I would,” Jon said as he opened his file. “Says here your name is Time Turner and that you live in the western end of Ponyville... that’s basically it. You haven’t applied for any licensing nor have you registered yourself to vote... the only thing I see here is a housing permit and a registration for citizenship. But that’s it, no birth certificate, no dental or hospital records... in fact after about two years there’s nothing. All there is here is just a few recorded years of existence and then after that... there’s no records of you at all.”

“Well I think everyone watching already knows the answer to that,” Whooves said. “It’s because at a certain point I didn't exist yet... although I must say I am impressed by your detective work; I assume you were going to spring this on me had I not admitted to being a time traveler from the start huh?”

Even though he was right Jon flipped a page and continued his interrogation, ignoring his question.

“Later when I asked Mayor Mare why you were allowed to live in her town with a mysteriously absent history reference she told me that it didn't matter,” Jon added. “According to her there is no strict regulation on citizens who can’t produce their background so long as they remain active members of the community.”

“Yet another reason why I chose this point in time to come back to; they’re much less frigid about trivial things like background checks. A fake name and a can-do attitude and bam you're in! Back where I come from if somepony can’t at least produce three different co-signed affidavits about where they went to middle school they can’t even get a parking permit,” Whooves interjected. “You wanna know the best part? If I were to let that file stay in records long enough, which I probably won't... but if I did and it found its way into the hooves of somepony from around my time they wouldn't think that it was the same person as me. Their prejudicial minds would sooner convince them that there was a pony who just looked like me rather than accept that an Earthpony built a time machine.”

“Well be that as it may... this file and its incongruities... pretty much proves that you’re from the future,” Jon said as he tucked the file back under his desk.

“And again, that has already been determined,” Whooves said as he turned to speak to the audience. “Sheesh, is this guy always like this?”

As the crowd laughed Jon took this momentary break to reach under his desk once more. Like before when he came back to his desk he had another manilla folder in his hand; but this time it wasn’t Whooves’.

“Before I make my next point I just want to say one thing about your file, Whooves,” Jon said as he examined the new folder’s front cover. “I noticed that while there are barely any records of you there was something else I noticed... or rather didn’t notice. An absent piece of evidence that I almost missed the first time time around.”

“And that would be what?” Whooves said amusingly with both hooves under his chin as he leaned into the table.

“Dr. Whooves,” Jon began. “You don’t have a marriage licence.”

For the first time in the interview Whooves’ smile faded, his eyes now slowly going to the folder in Jon’s hands like he was trying to read through it with X-ray vision.

“Now how can someone claim to be married to someone if they don’t have a marriage license?” Jon asked with no intentions of waiting for Whooves to answer as he lifted the new envelope of papers in his hand. “So to see if perhaps I was wrong I went and looked at the files of another Ponyville resident... your wife, Derpy Hooves.”

Again he flung the collection of papers onto the desk but unlike last time the second it touched the table Whooves immediately slammed his hoof atop its mass and pushed it away like he was afraid of what was inside.

“And do you know what I found? Her records are virtually the same as yours. Specifically how after a certain amount of years it just stops and there’s no evidence of her ever existing... at exactly the same year as yours,” Jon added with a smile of his own, which made Whooves’ nose flare up a bit. “And since we already know why your records stop after a while we can apply the same logic to Derpy’s as well. There by I can conclude without a doubt that when you traveled back in time you did so with another pony... that pony being your so called wife Derpy Hooves.”

Almost everyone watching knew who Derpy was in one form or another. A large group of ponies knew her as that quirky but lovable mailmare who went around delivering letters while most human viewers remembered her as the very first pony Jon ever interviewed on his show. Either way the gravity of the situation was evident to most viewers, making the back and forth between Whooves and Jon all the more interesting.

For a while the two on stage just glared at each other but just when things looked like they might start getting awkward the good doctor raised his forelegs and began to slowly clap his hooves together. His smile thusly returned as he gave his human host a small round of applause.

“Bravo Jonathan, Bravo!” Whooves said. “Alright, you got me! I confess; Derpy Hooves isn’t from this time at all! She’s from 1000 years in the future just like me!”

Jon had to resist every urge to reach over and grab his guest by the lapel. There he was freely confessing to transporting both himself and Derpy back 1000 years into the past despite having earlier that day told Jon he couldn't do the same in order to save Trixie. Jon was mad but concentrated on channeling that anger and using it later when needed; he still hadn’t used his secret weapon yet.

“Yeah, back in my time Derpy is actually known as ‘Ditzy Doo.’ Her mom owned a cafe near the campus and would sometimes operate a kiosk on school grounds and that’s where we met. I was your typical poor college goer so I didn’t have enough to pay for my tea. Derpy gave me free food and in exchange I tutored her,” Whooves went on to say. “Remember how I said for a while I stopped trying to develop my time machine? That’s because I met Derpy and well... when you’re in a loving relationship silly stuff like, partying, comics, and trying to develop an ultra advanced machine that can override mother nature’s law of time and travel back through the space time continuum kind of fall to the waste side. Years later when I tried making the time machine at the behest of my mentor Zenith I did so because I thought if I won the billion bits I could support us for the rest of our lives.”

Parts of his story didn’t add up, at least not by Jon’s reckoning. He thought about calling him out on the incongruities but he felt that doing so would be somewhat premature. So instead he played along with his sappy soap opera of a story for now.

“Sounds like you two really hit it off. But tell me something... don’t you think it’s a tad... oh I don’t know irresponsible and against some kind of... moral or ethical code to alter the past like this?” Jon questioned with a forced smile and gritted teeth, making sure to add extra emphasis at a couple of moments during his questions to try and relay to Whooves the level of hypocrisy that was his decision making. “I mean... aren’t you scared you’ll... oh I don’t know you’ll do something to damage the flow of time liking accidentally preventing your parents from getting together during the enchantment under the sea dance?”

As per usual his reference flew right over the head of the guest and landed right in the middle of a section of viewers known as the humans.

“I’m not... exactly sure what you mean but it’s funny that you should mention my parents because as it just happens I’ve located both mine and Derpy’s ancestors from around this time,” Whooves revealed.

“You’re kidding me!” Jon sighed.

“No, no I’m quite serious. Interestingly enough my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather lives very close to Ponyville but I never have to worry about running into him. You see, Grandpa Whooves lives over in Cloudsdale; turns out I have some Pegasus in my blood,” Whooves answered. “Anyhow, after some quick research I learned that he stayed there all his life and never left so I’m 100% certain to never run into him as long as I don’t sprout wings and pay him a visit. Funnily enough I actually managed to see a photo of him and the likeness is uncanny! I’m a chip off the old block as they say; but aside from the wings I’m his spitting image right down to the same cutie mark! Only while my cutie mark represents my love and interest in the concept of general relativity and quantum entanglement... he... literally produces and sells hour glasses.”

“And uh... and... w-what about... what about Derpy?” Jon said, reminding himself that he was mad at his guest even though he couldn't stop laughing at his explanation. “Has she met with a uh... with a past relative?”

“Now there’s... an interesting story. But before I go into that I need you to do a favor for me,” Whooves said, which prompted Jon to give him a nod as an answer. “Very good! Now then... think back to when you interviewed my Derpy.... do you recall what it was that she said before her segment ended?”

It took Jon a moment to get past the oddity of his question. Afterward it was just a matter of trying to recall an interview the had happened what seemed like years ago.

“Uuuuuh lets seeee,” Jon sighed. “Uuuuuh OH RIGHT! I believe... she uh, she said something about saying ‘hi’ to someone back home... THAT’S RIGHT! The last thing she said was hello to her child who she claimed was watching her at home.”

“Correct! The child in question is ‘Dinky Doo’ who is mine and Derpy’s child,” Whooves explained. “We had her shortly after arriving in this time frame.”

“Oh well that’s very nice for you!” Jon barely managed to say before the crowd began to applaud. “As a parent myself I know the joys of having a child with the one you love most in the world and watching as they slowly overpower you.”

“Yes, it’s truly a wonderful thing,” Whooves agreed. “Although I must say as a mostly stay-at-home dad it’s hard keeping up with an eight year old with a seemingly unlimited supply of energy.”

“Yeah I know what you mean. My kid is about... hey wait a second,” Jon said, now having realized something. “I thought you said you had Dinky when you first arrived in Ponyville... if that’s the case how is she eight years old?”

“Oh that’s right, I forgot to mention that she’s adopted,” Whooves added. “When we found her she was five and still living at an orphanage.”

“Ooooh I see,” Jon commented. “See I thought you and Derpy were her biological parents.”

“Weeeeell nooooo I’m not,” Whooves said. “But she is however related to Derpy.”

“Wait, wait, wait...H-how... how is that even possible?” Jon stammered. “You just said that she’s... oh... OH! You don’t mean--”

“Oh indeed I do my dear Jonathan,” Whooves said. “Marvel at the interconnectivity of all things for you see Dinky Doo is in actuality the great, great, great, great, great, great, grandmother of Derpy Hooves!”

An uproar of murmuring filled the room as Jon tried to make sense of this in his head.

“Are you saying... that Derpy is her own great, great... uh, great, great Grandma?” Jon asked.

“You’re about a few ‘greats’ off but I’ll let you slide... I mean YES! Yes that’s what I’m saying,” Whooves revealed once more. “Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday... it was our first year in Ponyville and even though we found our new home we still felt as if something was missing. During one of our secluded walks through the countryside we happened upon a foster home filled with tiny adorable fillies of all shapes and sizes.”

Nearly everyone listening including Jon knew where this was going and yet at the same time couldn't believe it.

“It was there that Derpy spotted a little filly by the name of Dinky. And let me tell ya her heart just melted. She instantly fell in love with the child and begged me to agree to the adoption. And as anypony will tell you I have a hard time saying ‘no’ to her so of course I agreed,” Whooves added. “And of course since this is a much simpler time the husband and wife who ran the orphanage had no objections to letting us adopt Dinky despite our lacking in proper documentation, though they still sent someone for the next year to check up on us and make sure the child was doing fine. And I must admit raising a daughter felt more rewarding than the machine I built that brought me to her. I always like to say that I have two hearts. One goes out to Derpy and the other goes to Dinky.”

“I can’t-- that just seems so... I-I’m speechless,” Jon commented.

“Trust me, I felt the same way when I discovered that Dinky and Derpy were related. I started to suspect it once I noticed some similarities and with how everypony in town would say how they had the same eyes... not to mention they shared last names,” Whooves continued. “A quick DNA swab later I confirmed it.”

“Okay again...I mean this all sounds very nice but again aren’t you at all concerned that you’re interfering too much in the flow of time!?” Jon asked in a slightly annoyed tone. “I mean Derpy being her own Grandmother... what-- who knows what irreversible consequences you’ve set into motion!”

In truth, Jon wasn’t angry about his manipulation with the past but rather his refusal to do so for his own problems.

“For your information I have a pretty in depth working knowledge of Equestrian History,” Whooves explained. “And as a reference point I can assure you that my coming back in time hasn’t had any major effect on the timeline; I guess we’re not important enough to cause that big a difference. But yes, do not worry because I assure you I try my best to keep me and my Derpy on a very low profile to avoid such an outcome... multi-national television interviews notwithstanding.”

“What exactly do you mean when you say ‘as a reference point’?” Jon asked, after waiting for the chuckling from the audience to subside.

“Hm, what I mean is... well it’s like this. As I’m sure you know a civilization’s record keeping only gets more advanced as time goes on,” Whooves explained. “And since I’m from the future and have access to a time machine I have the benefit that is infinite hindsight- basically, I know a lot of things that haven’t happened yet.”

This was more or less exactly what Jon needed. For his plan to work he needed to keep his own time machine away from him and have Whooves himself prove to the world that he was a time traveler which he seemed all too eager to do.

“Actually now that I think about it... historically speaking Derpy and I aren’t the only ones with an interesting marriage,” Whooves said as he rocked back and forth in his chair. “There are those whose joined union end up shaping the future quite significantly.

“Is that right?” Jon said who was admittedly very curious. “Anyone I know?”

“As a matter of fact... yes there are,” Whooves said. “Just as an example... in terms of your Equestrian Interviews, how about we look at... the last guest you had on your show and the first guest you had on your show.”

Pausing for just a moment, Jon found it effortlessly simple to remember these two individuals.

“You mean Spike and Rarity?” Jon asked.

“Yes them,” Whooves said. “In the future those two get married... to each other.”

For the moment Jon found himself speechless; which was just as well since the crowd filled the void of silence by making hollering noises in excitement.

“Wait... what!?” Jon blurted. “Spike and Rarity are-- I mean they’re going to get... those two end up shaking up!?”

“That’s correct! Of course it won’t be till many years from now but let’s just say after about a decade of trying Spike finally succeeds in getting Rarity to notice him,” Whooves said as he turned to face the camera. “Spike if you’re watching, my advice is never give up, my friend. All your efforts eventually pay off!”

“So-- wait... Spike has had a crush on Rarity?” Jon said in bewilderment.

“One of history's greatest kept secrets, yes,” Whooves answered with a chuckle. “For many years it has been one sided but eventually Rarity begins to see Spike as more than just a friend and the two share mutual romantic feelings for each other.”

“I just... wow I uh... I would never have guessed that those two,” Jon struggled to formulate his thoughts. “I mean... aside from the age difference there’s also... you know?”

“The fact that the two are different species?” Whooves said.

“Well actually uh... I was going to say Spike eats gems so you’d think that... given her business she wouldn’t want him around but... yeah that too!” Jon confirmed. “I mean can you imagine the kids?”

“Actually I can... Spike and Rarity’s bloodline continues even in my time,” Whooves said once again turning to face the camera. “Oh yeah, Rarity if you’re watching yes... yes you and Spike have children. Three of them in fact.”

“Wait! Those two actually do have kids!” Jon exclaimed. “H-h-how... how is that possible?”

“I could sit here and explain to you the intricacies of cross species embryology but in the interest of time I’ll just cut to the end and say that they have three kids... a Unicorn, a dragon, and a pony dragon hybrid,” Whooves added.

“That’s the... that sounds incredible,” Jon said.

“Oh you don’t know the half of it; those two have no idea what they kickstart. You see, in my time there’s a new species of ponies that’s fastly becoming more and more common like Unicorns, Earthponies, and Pegasi... here’s a hint, this new species of pony has scales rather than fur,” Whooves hinted much to the surprise of Jon who knew not what to say. “Actually there’s a famous story regarding when Rarity first became pregnant... according to legend when she was giving birth to her first child Twilight Sparkle was there as her midwife. She did so not only to help her friend but because she was curious to see their child; fascinated by the thought that it could be some new hybrid.”

“It’s heartening to hear that even in the near future she’s still a nerd,” Jon teased. “Soooo... what happened?”

“You mean the birth? Well she was right, their first child, a healthy baby boy, was half pony half Dragon,” Whooves said, the crowd cheering in excitement. “As the story goes the first thing Twilight said was ‘congratulations Rarity,’” followed by “‘mind if I ran a few tests on him?’ Suffice it to say she wasn’t their midwife for her two other births.”

It took every ounce of self control Jon had and it still wasn’t enough to keep him from laughing at the top of his lungs along with his audience. Seeing this didn’t influence Whooves in the slightest as he barely waited for Jon to stop before continuing the interview.

“Also, speaking of Twilight she also gets married,“ Whooves added while Jon was just finishing up his last surge of laughter.

“Ooooh let me guess, not to be outdone by her friend Twilight shacks up with a... a, a, a fish or something,” Jon teased.

“No, no she marries a Unicorn like herself and the two have four children together, a son and three daughters,“ Whooves revealed. “Yep, she’s the last of her circle of friends to get hitched, but eventually she ties the knot with her husband who at the time is the head knight of the Canterlot Guards.”

“Wow really? You uh-- for a book worm like her I’m surprised she went for a jock,” Jon commented. “You said she was the last of her friends... does... does that mean the other members of the elements of harmony--”

“Get married? Yes they do,” Whooves interrupted. “Fun fact, out of the Mane six two of them actually get married to each other.”

“OH NO WAY!” Jon blurted while simultaneously laughing nervously. “You... you have to tell me! I-I I gotta know.”

“Sorry Jon, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave you in the dark about this one,” Whooves said as he slowly turned his head to the camera. “However... they know who they are.”

“Can you at least give me a hint?” Jon begged.

“Very well but just one... they’re the two with the most sexual tension between them,” Whooves said.

“...I think... I might know who you’re talking about,” Jon said which caused Whooves to lean in on one elbow and give a wink.

“We all do,” Whooves rebutted, causing Jon to laugh at how he phrased his response. Hearing about his friends in such a way was both entertaining and enlightening to the point where more than once Jon caught himself actually enjoying the interview. It was during these moments that Jon had to remind himself as to why he was here. At this point his plan was going swimmingly and it was for that exact reason Jon felt as if something was wrong.

“Wait... wait a minute,” Jon thought as Whooves took a drink from his Daily Show mug. “This is too easy.”