Episode 18: Dr. Whooves on the Daily Show

From the beginning Jon’s goal was simple. Get Dr. Whooves onto his show and not only expose him as a time traveler but to somehow get him to admit to it. Surprisingly this objective was attained within the first minute of the interview and yet Jon wasn’t satisfied.

“What are you up to Whooves?” Jon thought while the crowd’s laughter brought him more time to think. “Why are you making this too easy for me?”

The trick to Jon’s plan reaching fruition was for either he or Whooves to provide undeniable proof that he was a time traveler without actually time traveling. At this point Jon had thought he had adequately obtained this but the fact that he was still here and the interview was still going meant that the unseen forces awaiting him in the studio had deemed his efforts unsatisfactory.

He needed more. If he was to get his way he would need more than what was said here today and at this point Jon found it hard to concentrate on his next move while he was simultaneously baffled as to why his guest was being so forthcoming. But since Whooves was so eager to answer his questions Jon decided to just go for it.

“Can I ask you something, Dr. Whooves?” Jon asked.

“Hmmm, why so formal?” Whooves responded, getting no immediate response back. “Oh go ahead.”

“Whooves... why are... why are you doing all of this?” Jon finally asked. “You claim to be from the future and yet you’re just frivolously... divulging all this information about what’s going to happen without any regard to if it will affect the timeline.”

The way Jon changed gears to a more serious tone was a shift that was not shared by Whooves who continued to idly rock back in his chair looking as apathetic as Jon was implying.

“I mean you said it yourself... where you’re from time travel is illegal for just this reason... and yet you... you, you, you’re telling me all this without any fear of repercussion,” Jon added. “Aren’t... aren’t you afraid that after the show you’ll be arrested... and tried for numerous violations or anything like that?”

In response to his honest question Whooves began to chuckle. That chuckle soon escalated to a full on laughter so powerful he felt the need to hold onto his stomach while flailing his hind legs in the air as he arched himself back in his chair. Those in attendance failed to see what was so funny, their curiosity made them eagerly await for the guest of the evening to finish his bellowing so he could answer Jon’s question.

“Oh Jon... Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon... there’s a reason why I am remembered as one of the most brilliant ponies in Equestrian history,” Whooves said. “You see Jon... to answer your question: the reason why I’ve said the things I’ve said today is because I like you; and I just wanted to make things easy for you. You see, I feel comfortable in answering all of your questions truthfully because I know... that nothing I’ve said will get me in trouble.”

“Are... are you kidding me?” Jon asked. “You’ve said things here today that... that may have permanently altered the timeline of Equestria! You revealed facts and events that haven’t even happened yet! How do you figure that you’re in the clear here?”

“Well... you tell me Jon,” Whooves said. “You claim that I have broken not only the laws of Equestria but the laws of space and time and yet... I’m still here. You would think Celestia would have swooped down and seized me by now and yet here I am.”

The way Whooves accurately assessed the situation came dangerously close to what Jon had in mind. It was enough to make Jon freeze, unable to speak, only listen.

“Allow me to explain Jon... everything that has been discussed during this interview is just hearsay. Everything; me admitting to being a time traveler, revealing the future events of our friends, my claiming to have brought Derpy from the future, just hearsay,” Whooves explained. “Your so-called ‘evidence’ about me that you got from the mayor, circumstantial at best. All that proves is that after a certain point my records went missing... not because I’m a time traveler but because I just misplaced my files.”

He had a point, the evidence against him wasn’t as ironclad as Jon would have liked to believe. For Jon this explained why the interview went as long as it did.

“B-but you admitted it!” Jon exclaimed. “You admitted to being a time traveler!”

“Yes, yes I did but as I’m sure you know one shouldn't believe everything they hear on television,” Whooves said as he turned to face the camera. “In fact, I hereby revoke everything I’ve said up to this point. That’s right, I’m withdrawing my claim to being a time traveler from the future and admit that it was all just a clever ruse I made up for the show!”

Unable to formulate words let alone coherent sentences, Jon was stunned to see Whooves back pedal the way he did. What got him nervous was not only was he lying and he knew it, but he made it seem so plausible that he was innocent. He was scared that he might actually get away with it.

“You see Jon!? See how easy that was! If I wanted to I could walk away from this interview right now and head home and no one could stop me!” Whooves explained. “I mean what proof does anypony have that I am indeed a time traveler? None! Everything is just circumstantial! And I know that was your main problem from the very outset of all this, wasn’t it, Jon?”

“Wh-what do you mean?” Jon said, trying to play his correct assumptions off.

“Oh pish posh my Jewish friend; don’t play coy! You see I like to think that I’m good at placing myself in the position of others to see things from their point of view. And from where I sit getting me to prove that I'm a time traveler would be very difficult,” Whooves accurately explained. “Of course, the most logical way of doing so would be to literally have me travel through time but therein lies the catch twenty two! The double edged sword of your plan! Because if I did use my time machine here and I demonstrated to the world that I can traverse space as well as time then I’m breaking the law... so why would I agree to it!?”

Fear began to set in and Jon was slowly realizing just how self-aware of the situation Whooves was. For all his peculiar mannerisms Jon underestimated just how smart he was; toying with Jon like a game of chess he was destined to win.

“Which begs the question, how does one prove that someone else is a time traveler without actually time traveling... because while I could just hop into my Tardis here and give a demonstration you would never allow it because the moment I do that I can just time travel my way to safety,” Whooves said as a confused yet enraptured audience looked on with anticipation. “Well... like I said before, I rather like you Jonathan so again I’ll make this easy for you... I hereby reinstate my previous declaration and admit that I Dr. Whooves, otherwise known as Time Turner, am indeed a time traveler from 1000 years into the future.”

With a fling of his forelegs, Whooves raised his hooves into the air to pose dramatically, as if doing so made his claims all the more believable. Having once again asserted himself the crowd was buzzing while Jon was left wondering what his guest was up to.

“But... l-like you’ve already said your claims are just what they are... just claims,” Jon pointed out in anticipation. “Without hard evidence there’s no way to back it up.”

“Indeed so! I believe it was you who once said that... proof is the only thing that matters,” Whooves reminded him. “So that is why without using my Tardis here... I will show you this proof.”

Jon found Whooves’ promise frightening and confusing. It was already established that the only way to do this was through literal time travel and Jon made sure that when Celestia teleported him to his studio he came by himself and without his precious device. Whooves may have thought that the Tardis on stage was his but this was not the case. Jon wanted to make sure that when he came here he was truly alone.

“How... how exactly do you plan on doing this?” Jon asked.

“Wiiiiiith... THIS!” Whooves roared before quickly shoving his hoof into his jacket pocket and producing a slightly cylindrical object.

“W-what is that thing?” Jon asked.

“Oh this?” Whooves said as recoiled his extended foreleg to bring the probe-like objected closer to him. “It’s nothing really, just my trusty screwdriver.”

“That’s not a screw driver,” Jon corrected.

“No you’re right, it isn’t,” Whooves said as he pressed a button that made it extend a few inches. “Because a screw driver can’t do this!”

Before Jon could comment on the odd looking device he quickly pressed a button, causing a blinding light to engulf the area so quickly that no one could react accordingly. By the time everything returned to normal Whooves was already in the middle of his previous declaration.

With a fling of his forelegs Whooves raised his hooves into the air to pose dramatically as if doing so made his claims all the most believable. Having once again asserted himself the crowd was buzzing while Jon was left wondering what his guest was up to.

“But... l-like you’ve already said your claims are just what they are... just claims,” Jon pointed out. “Without hard evidence there’s no way to back it up.”

“Indeed so! I believe it was you who once said that... proof is the only thing that matters,” Whooves reminded him. “So that is why without using my Tardis here... I will show you this proof.”

Jon found Whooves’ promise frightening and confusing. It was already established that the only way to do this was through literal time travel and Jon made sure that when Celestia teleported him to his studio he came by himself and without his precious device. Whooves may have thought that the Tardis on stage was his but this was not the case. Jon wanted to make sure that when he came here he was truly alone.

“How... how exactly do you plan on doing this?” Jon asked. Mysteriously, instead of answering Jon’s very reasonable question, Whooves began to laugh to himself without any sign of provocation like it had no coherent connection to what was going on.

“Aaaaah again... that never gets old!” Whooves stated as he wiped a tear away from his eye.

“E-excuse me?” Jon said.

“Uh, nevermind, nevermind!” Whooves pleaded while trying not to laugh. “I-it’s nothing; anyways... where was I? Ah yes, that’s right; back to business! Before I give you what you want I should explain just how my time travel works!”

Still partly confused by what just happened, Jon forced himself to drop it and instead listen close. It wasn’t everyday he got to hear a lecture on the efficacies of time manipulation; an opportunity which also warranted the attention of the audience. Before actually going into detail Whooves took another sip of his mug of water to clear his throat. He wasn’t much of a teacher so he wanted to get this right the first time.

“Alright... now obviously I can’t explain every nuance and detail of my methods because by the time I do I could’ve just built another time machine, so for the time being I’ll start by saying this... time travel is possible,” Whooves said. “The trick is being able to control it... but once you do... you’ll have power beyond comprehension... tell me Jon, does your world have time travellers?”

“Last time I checked Google, no... no we do not,” Jon answered.

“Ah, but how are you so certain?” Whooves challenged. With quick breath Jon was moments away from answering when he realized that his question deserved a bit of thought. Clenching his fist under his chin he leaned forward in meditation like he was imitating the thinker sculpture.

“Well gee uh... I’m not-- well really I don’t know but I’d like to uh... to paraphrase something that one of our most brilliant scientists once said,” Jon rebutted which made Whooves’ ears perk up in anticipation. “I believe it was Stephen Hawking who said that... he said if there were indeed time travelers we would have seen them by now.”

“Well yes quite right... that is unless of course... said time traveler was hiding- like me,” Whooves reminded. “I can’t be certain myself but if you’ve ever found a coin or other similar form of currency and it looks severely worn out despite it being brand new, or vise-versa if you’ve ever found a coin that look relevantly new despite being decades old... that’s probably the work of a time traveler.”

The sound of flustered murmuring could be heard from the audience in conjuncture with enlightened faces nodding away in agreement. Jon was momentarily distracted with the same thought that was going through most of the audience but was quickly brought back by Whooves continuing his explanations.

“Now then theoretically there are many ways in which time travel could work. As for me, as I’m sure you know, I have a time machine that I built from a hollowed out Tardis which I can use both directly and remotely. If I’m inside it I can travel great distances but if I control it remotely I can only influence the flow of time by short bursts, and only then if it’s in range,” Whooves said which made Jon relieved that his time machine was secretly back in Equestria so in that regard he was safe. “As for the actual time travel aspect I can move through space as well as time. So if I wanted to I can go back to a time where there were no civilizations and visit proto caveponies in their underground caves or I could go to the distance future and land atop the highest skyscraper known to history. This also applies to any alternate history that I know exist; it’s really an ‘as the crow flies’ approach to time travel.”

“So I’m going to guess that the incomprehensible power comes from going into the past, right?” Jon asked in a slightly annoyed tone. “That way if you wanted to you could shape the timeline however you want.”

“You’d think so wouldn't you? But in my opinion... no, it is the exactly opposite. The real power comes from how far you can go into the future,” Whooves said as he reached down to lift his bag and prop it up on his chair. “You see Jon, real power comes from knowledge... we use knowledge everyday to either advance us unto the future or to learn from our past; without it we are powerless and without guidance. So you see, for someone like me being able to travel into the future and look back on what events lead me to that point in time, makes me the most powerful pony... you will ever meet.”

Whooves was the type to do and say everything with a goal or ultimate purpose. Jon knew this so this exposition, to a degree, made him scared. But not as scared as what he was fiddling with inside his bag.

“One of my personal pastimes is going to the future as an undercover pony to see what history says about me. Depending on how far I go I’m either a hero or an urban legend whose exploits are told to children before bedtime. However... as of late I’ve felt the need to look up other things besides myself,” Whooves continued as he motioned to his time machine just slightly off camera. “And remember, I can travel to any point in time, at any location, in any dimension, whenever I want... for those keeping track at home that means the things I know are infinite.”

With a flick of his hoof Whooves produced a folder from his satchel similar to the ones Jon had about him and Derpy. The only difference now being the fact that the one Whooves produced was so thick that when it landed on the desk it terminated with a loud thud noise.

“W-what is that?” Jon asked.

“Oh this?” Whooves said with a smirk as he giddily drummed his hooves on its surface. “Let’s just say... you’re not the only one who can do a little research, Jonathan.”

Billions watched with conflicting emotions as Whooves delicately opened up the file of hefty papers and grabbed the first sheet directly on top. Everyone watching collectively took their bets as to what it was with Jon looking like he was ready to write down this information like a student during lectures. Curiously, instead of reading off the piece of paper he had just procured he instead shuffled it over to Jon’s side so he could see it himself; Whooves didn’t need it.

“Now then... let’s start with the basics shall we? Your name is Jon Stewart, real name Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz; born November 28, 1962 in New York City, United States,” Whooves listed by memory. “Your style of comedy is political satire as well as observational comedy and you’ve been active as an entertainer since 1987. You grew up in New Jersey but now live in Manhattan with a wife and two children.”

For some watching this information was quite informative but for a majority this was nothing new. Jon himself was thoroughly underwhelmed especially since Luna had done the exact same thing but better when he interviewed her. However this was all part of Whooves plan, his version of a quick jab before an uppercut.

“But of course everypony knows that. How about we try something that only you would know... I’m sure that would carry much more weight,” Whooves said. “For example... do you remember a piece you did back in 2009? When you sent a correspondent of yours by the name of Jason Jones over to a human country called Iran... where he was escorted by a local journalist called Maziar Bahari?”

“Yes... yes I do,” Jon said, slightly perplexed.

“And do you remember how in 2011 when that very same journalist came on your show to promote his book?” Whooves added. “I believe it was called ‘Then They Came for Me’ and you said you really enjoyed it.”

“Again yes, but I don’t know what you’re getting at here,” Jon said with a shrug. “Those all happened years ago I don’t know why you’d think that--”

Perhaps it was due to his tired disposition or the fact that he only had a few hours to prepare for this, the toughest interview of his career, but for whatever reason it took Jon up until now to realize what Whooves was hinting at. Only he and a few people knew what was being set up here and even though Jon came into this interview with the knowledge that he was a time traveler he was still astonished by this development.

Placing both hands on the table like he was scared he would collapse, Jon pushed himself away, taking a long breath as he did.

“Oh my God... you know about Project Rosewater,” Jon said in a hush tone though his attached mic meant everyone heard him and were now thoroughly baffled.

“Someone give this man the cupie doll! He’s figured it out!” Whooves applauded. This jolting development had momentarily phased Jon, prompting him to ask the most stupid of questions.

“But... h-how do you--” Jon said, cutting himself off since he already knew the answer.

“Tisk tisk Jon, don’t you remember? Tiiiiiime Traveleeeeer,” Whooves said as he pointed to himself like an overachieving student trying to get the teacher’s attention. “It was all just a matter of traveling as far as I could into the future, your future, and looking over the shoulder to see what history could tell me. And when I did she began to share all kinds of secrets with me, secrets that are too good to keep to myself.”

Hearing his words, Jon didn’t know whether to feel excited or terrified. More than anything else he was just curious as to what was in that folder; he had his ideas but they paled to the reality of the situation. Following his eyes Whooves placed his hoof over the folder, throwing it back open to force Jon to look at.

“Basically... I know everything. I know what you know; and so much more,” Whooves commented as he swiveled all the way to his left, eventually facing the audience again. “Now then, attention to everypony watching I have an announcement to make! This summer Jon Stewart will be leaving ‘The Daily Show!’”

As was expected, the staff and crew were now forced to do damage control like never before. Audience members stood to their feet while others felt the need to quickly turn on their cellular devices. Phrases like “what the hell” and “oh God no” could be heard as part of the large commotion coming from the in-person audience. Usually this would be the part where Jon took control by reassuring them that everything was alright but he was still in shock. Fortunately Whooves was there to regain control.

“Now now, settle down people settle down! He’s not leaving for good!” Whooves assured the crowd, only managing to calm them down a slight bit. “He’s just leaving for the summer to go direct a movie called “Rosewater.” Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘But Whooves you studmuffin of a pony, if Jon is going to be directing a movie for twelve weeks does that mean we won’t have The Daily Show to keep us occupied thereby forcing us to be productive?’ Well fear not viewers because while he’s gone erstwhile correspondent John Oliver will be taking over the show in his stead. Isn’t that right Jon?”

Turning his head to again face the host of the very show he was talking about, both he and everyone in the audience now had their eyes locked onto Jon who looked as if he forgot how to speak. What Whooves was saying was indeed true so in that respect that wasn’t why he found himself paralyzed. His unwillingness to speak was due to his brain hastily trying to predict how this would turn out because if he played his cards right it would be in his favor.

“Well uh... y-yes,” Jon finally said, making the entire audience gasp in shock. “That’s... that’s true but--”

“Although Jonathan I must say you could not have picked a worse time to do your movie,” Whooves commented, shaking his head disappointingly.

“W-what do you mean?” Jon asked.

“What I mean is the second- and I mean the second- you leave to do your project your country goes through a slew of news worthy occurrences,” Whooves advised.

“Wait what!? Really?” Jon gulped, he had picked the summer season on the usual assumption that it would be uneventful. “L-like what?”

“Oh where to begin!? Well for starters your first day away your world’s leader Barack Obama gets in a bit of trouble when it’s revealed that he and an organization called the ‘NSA’ have been secretly wiretapping every US citizen’s phone records,” Whooves explained, causing Jon’s to lose control of his now dropping jaw.

“WHAT!?” Jon yelled as both he and everyone in the building did a quick glance at where they usually stored their cellphones.

“Oh yeah, turns out millions of humans, even those not suspected of a crime, are being spied on and not just phone records either, this also extends to emails and internet habits,” Whooves added. “Yes it’s quite terrifying, but wait, there’s more! The Executive branch isn’t the only subset of your government that’s in the news. Shortly after you leave your Judicial branch of government also makes history.”

“W-wait the supreme court?” Jon questioned. “What uh... w-w-what do they do?”

“I’m glad you ask Jon!” Whooves said as he reached to grab another piece of paper to slide towards Jon. “During my research I discovered something a little more uplifting... a little something to juxtapose the whole wiretapping thing. Now then, during the summer your Supreme Court makes a landmark case in which they make gay marriage once again legal in a place called California.”

“They-- the Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage!?” Jon exclaimed as the crowd erupted with applause and cheering like they forgot that as they did the NSA was listening to them.

“In California and later on in states like, Hawaii, Illinois and even New Jersey; overall it’s a huge boost to the cause with the biggest moment being their decision to deem a former voted proposition called ‘prop 8’ as unconstitutional,” Whooves said with Jon now speechless especially due to hearing that his of his own home state is on the list. “And as far as you humans are concerned this just the first of many victories on the road to your world finally giving equal rights to the homosexual community so good on ya, mate. Fun fact... in the distant future of this country same sex marriage is no longer an issue.”

After hearing that his country’s government was both unconstitutionally spying on him while at the same time about to constitutionally issue a decree of much deserved equal rights to an honest group of people Jon felt conflicted. Feeling both deeply terrified while at the same time pleasantly surprised like a battered housewife returning to her abusive husband.

“I can’t... I can’t believe it,” Jon commented while holding the side of his spinning head. “To think that... that... a-and you're sure this all happens while I’m away?”

“Oh I’m positive,” Whooves answered. Jon had no reason to doubt Whooves in this instance though what scared him was that what he was suggesting didn’t seem to be out of the question. That’s what scared him most of all. So to see if he was actually telling the truth he decided to pick his brain on a similar issue.

“I noticed how you didn’t mention Congress at all in your predictions,” Jon claimed, causing Whooves to tilt in his head in thought, no doubt to recall what Congress actually was. “You talked about our executive and judicial side of things but what about our legislative branch? Do they do anything while I’m away?”

On his own Whooves couldn’t recall immediately, forcing him to lean his head back, shut his eyes, and think as hard as he could to remember.

“Hmmmm no,” Whooves said. “From what I found during your departure from the show Congress doesn’t do much of anything... which from what I could gather seems to be a fairly typical state of affairs.”

A good dose of comedy turned out to be just the trick to help Jon ease his way into believing all of this.

“However they do end up making the news when you return,” Whooves added.

“T-they do!?” Jon exclaimed. “You mean they’ll actually get shit done?”

“Heavens no, quite the opposite,” Whooves answered. “They actually shut down the government... again.”

Unable to speak Jon could only press his hand to his mouth like he was preemptively trying to stop his jaw from dropping to the ground. Whooves saw this and attempted to help by making him feel better about his future predicament.

“Oh, don’t worry, not everything that happens is historically significant, some fluff pieces also occur,” Whooves assured a still laughing Jon. “I’m a little confused on the context but apparently some famous human chef by the name of Paula Deen gets in trouble for saying the word ‘nigger’... I’m not exactly sure what that means but apparently it has a negative connotation.”

Whooves’ playful ignorance caused the audience to laugh whereupon it escalated when Jon slapped his hand across his face at his guest’s mistaken use of profanity.

“I uh... I can’t believe-- this just all seems so surreal,” Jon commented. “To think that you... you could know so much about what will happen... it’s almost too much to believe.” Whooves suspected that Jon was just saying this in order to coax more information out of him. It was a simple and easily recognizable tactic; and it worked.

“Well if you don’t believe me then see for yourself,” Whooves said as he pushed the envelope of papers closer to his host. “Go ahead, take a look. You’ll find everything there is to know about you is in this file.”

Before he could offer again Jon was already holding the files in his hand, eager to see what future ideas he could learn like a child being allowed to open a present before Christmas. But as he did something Whooves said made him drop the folder back onto the ground reflexively like it was a hot coal.

“Wait... this folder... is all about me?” Jon asked, now having given time to assess the situation.

“Of course; see the little indicator at the top,” Whooves said, motioning to the part of the folder with a sticker label reading ‘Jon Stewart’ in black pen. “What did you think it was about?”

“I thought-- I just assumed it was about the future of humanity or something like that,” Jon said, glaring at the folder fearfully. “Was really hoping to see if they ever brought back ‘Firefly’ for another season.”

“Firefly?” Whooves asked.

“It’s a uh... it’s a really great show,” Jon said after several audience members hooted in agreement. “It’s a sci-fi show... like say, oh I don’t know... Dr. Who.”

His mentioning of BBC’s prized show kickstarted the brains of some of the slower viewers, causing them to make the connection between it and the guest of the night.

“You know speaking of which I also did some research on that very show since it’s based on yours truly. While you’re off during the summer a new Doctor replaces the old one... making him the twelfth Doctor now,” Whooves revealed which caused some but not all audience members to go into flurry. “But enough about me, let’s get back to you... yes these files are a compilation of everything there is to know about you! Every last detail about Jon Stewart right in front of you.”

The thought was scary enough for Jon to try and downplay it with a stark contrast of humor.

“Really?” Jon said as he kneeled down to get a close up look at it, his eyes squinting with further observation. “Not that I’m complaining or anything but... seems rather small don’t ya think?”

A chuckle could be heard spreading from one side of the audience to the other, almost nervously. Both the audience and Jon were starting to feel tired from having to learn all these new facts about what was to come. Some audience members even thought this was all part of an act. It wasn’t.

“Well it’s not like I’ve recorded every single little detail about your life,” Whooves explained, while rocking his head in a circle. “Just the important milestones. And not just work either; I also know where and when you will watch your son graduate University, don’t worry he gets into a good college. And I know who your daughter will marry and how old you’ll be when you give her away; again no need to worry; her fiance is a stand-up bloke.”

Ordinarily Jon would have thrown a fit about his guest looking into the future of his own children but he had to admit, a part of him felt relieved to know that his son and daughter will grow up to be fine adults.

“Also, fun fact, if you turn to the last page you can read the details regarding how you die,” Whooves almost forgot to mention.

The way he mentioned the destined ending of Jon’s life as casually as one would mention a new book they were reading made the semi-elderly television host feel a curling in stomach like he had eaten something bad. Knowing the specifics of his eventual death was but a few inches in front of him, printed in black and white, made him upset for reasons he couldn't quite express.

“You know how I’m going to die?” Jon asked.

“Yes, as well as when. But don’t worry, only I know,” Whooves answered as he gave a not so reassuring nod of the head. “I found a source that describes in detail the way in which you eventually will pass on... so far only I know but if you want... you can find out as well.”

With an extension of his foreleg Whooves pushed the file even closer to Jon, but like two magnets that were facing each other incorrectly all it did was push Jon away. Casting his hands forward defensively, Jon wanted nothing to do with this forbidden information anymore.

“Get that thing away from me,” Jon demanded as he quickly jabbed the bundle of papers back over to Whooves’ side. “I don’t want to know when I die.”

“As well you shouldn't,” Whooves said as he took back his folder and placed it in his bag in an attempt to ease Jon. “Nopony should know about that.”

“I’ll be honest I uh... I liked it better when you were predicting things like the government betraying the very people it claims to look after b-b-by trampling over one of our most fundamental God-given rights rather... than when I kick the bucket,” Jon commented.

Bending back over, Whooves reached for his bag to retrieve the files on Jon.

“What's interesting is that the information on you was very easy to obtain,” Whooves divulged, shaking the files in his hoof before putting it back in his satchel. “But finding out all those news items that you will eventually leave in the hands of your temporary replacement was all kinds of difficult! I’m not sure if you're aware of this but in your world’s record keeping it is much easier to look up the personal lives of celebrities than it is to do basic research on specific historical events. I don’t know what that says about your world but there ya go.”

The crowd laughing gave Jon time to reflect on the cultural differences between his world and Equestria. Of course, Jon knew what Whooves was talking about, as an entertainer who works in the field of news satirization he knew all too well how the media is easily distracted from significant occurrences.

“Whooves all I can say about that is welcome to America,” Jon stated. “Where the media cares about the latest nip-slip rather than a revolution in a third world country.”

“Speaking of which, according to my research there is going to be an event called the 65th annual Emmy awards,” Whooves mentioned, the very name causing Jon’s heart to skip a quick beat. “Your colleague Colbert beats your 10-year-long record and wins an emmy for the outstanding variety series category... sorry mate.”

Finding out how he was destined to be dethroned by his friend in such a fashion made Jon slam his head playfully on the desk. The crowd cheered and laughed at the idea of Colbert winning and despite Jon’s future lose he was proud of his friend.

“I can guarantee that it wasn’t hard to... find that little tidbit of information now was it?” Jon assumed knowing Colbert would have characteristically bragged about it non-stop.

“It was very easy to dig up yes.... simply put I just don’t understand your human priorities,” Whooves continued. “It baffled me. It’s like, if you go back a bit, when I found out that while you are away your human courts rule in favor of same sex marriage.”

“What part of that confused you?” Jon asked. “Was it the legislature they ruled against or the rights of individual states to have their own laws or--

“No, no, no that part was easy to comprehend. I was taken aback by the sheer fact that this... is even an issue in your world,” Whooves interrupted. “Where I come from... there really isn’t any discrimination against same-sex relationships.”

“Stop bragging!” Jon shot back.

“It’s really baffling for me; but I suppose each culture is comprised of its own forms of bigotry.” Whooves shrugged as he took another sip of his water, almost spilling it when he lunged forward in shock. “Oh! Which reminds me! All this talk of same-sex couples directly relates to the next topic I wish to talk about!”

“Oh here we go,” Jon said as certain audience members whooped at the idea. “If it’s still about me, I’m not gay no matter what Stephen says!”

“No offense but I’m done talking about you,” Whooves objected. “I’ve just realized that up until now I’ve completely neglected a new and rather large demographic of yours... I’ll give you a hint.”

Lifting both hooves he began to hesitantly point to himself.

“People who wear bow ties and fancy hats?” Jon guessed. “No I’m pretty sure we haven’t neglected the hipster demographic.”

While the crowd laughed Whooves took a second to adjust the very articles of clothing that Jon mentioned while quickly dismissing what a hipster was.

“No, the correct answer was ‘ponies,’ you lose five points,” Whooves said to a nonexistent judge. “Now then... I realize that I’ve gone on and on about your future and how it relates to humans and yet there are some aspects of your life that will one day have a direct influence on ponies as well.”

“Is that right?” Jon said. “I suppose it has something to do with my show.”

“Correct! You get those five points back!” Whooves congratulated. With a quick adjustment Whooves’ chair squeaked as he sat up as tall as he could and cleared his throat. “Now then... I realize that everything I’ve said about your future, what with your making a movie, your show going through a slight change of hosts and what have you, won’t happen for a terribly long time. Now I’m not saying that you humans are a particularly impatient lot but I’m willing to bet you want me to... predict what’s going to happen a little bit sooner, don’t you?”

In response to this Whooves braced himself for an uproar from the audience as did Jon. Both men made the right decision as the crowd was now in flurry of cheering and applauding, begging for the futuristic Earthpony to tell them all something about their world that had yet to happen but somehow relates to Equestria.

“I think that’s a yes!” Jon yelled over the crowd, doing so purposely as to demonstrate how difficult it was to be heard over them.

“Very well then! In that case how about I reveal something most surprising. Something that will happen on Jon’s show as early as tomorrow and is known only by myself.... not even Jon has any knowledge of this,” Whooves teased as he scouted the room for the crowd’s reaction. “If anyone out there, be you human or pony, doubt my claims of being a time traveler then... the next bit of information I am about to reveal may just convince you otherwise.”

“W-well what is it then!?” Jon pleaded. “Out with it, man!”

“As you wish, Jonathan. Let it be known to all that are watching that my knowledge of what is to come is absolute and without question!” Whooves declared in a most forced dramatic tone. “So it is with absolute confidence that I say that I know what will transpire before anypony else... for example... Jon... I know who you’re next guest from Equestria is going to be.”

Clambering again made its way into the audience as Jon shook his head in disbelief. He was never one to particularly enjoy when people give him suggestions on who to interview next, so to have Whooves about to outright tell him who they were didn't sit well with him.

“Now just hold on a minute here! You think you know who I’ll interview next?” Jon rephrased. “And you say this will happen tomorrow?”

“I don’t think Jonathan, I know. And technically I know every Equestrian guest you will ever have.” Whooves motioned to his satchel which, unknown to Jon, had a comprehensive list of every guest he’ll ever have, both human and otherwise. “As for your next few interviews... in my opinion your next three are some of your most interesting.”

Jon froze. If what Whooves was hinting at was right then he was going to list the next three ponies he was destined to have on his show. Curiosity made him sit still and listen.

“Coming in at number one; your guest for tomorrow will be none other than Bon-Bon... and Lyra!” Whooves announced to the world. “Making history as the first ever dual interview of ponies you will ever have!”

As to be expected, most humans found this bit of information interesting but hard to appreciate. With their limited knowledge of Equestrian citizens they didn’t have quite the shock of hearing this as those who were watching back in Equestria. However, there was one human completely surprised by this revelation and that was Jon himself.

“Whoa! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Hold on-- timeout here!” Jon demanded as he signed with his hands for things to stop. “There has to be some mistake! There is no way I would willingly have Lyra on my show!”

Jon was so riled up that he didn’t even register that what he said could be taken as rather insulting to Lyra. In truth he didn’t hate her but he didn’t have a good relationship with her either.

“I know the history between you two and yes I realize she’s not your favorite pony but let’s just say... you don’t have a choice in the matter,” Whooves told a now audacious looking Jon.

“Excuse me!” Jon said in tone sounding more annoyed than anything else as he leaned forward.

“You are right in saying that you would never have Lyra on your show,” Whooves admitted. “Which is why in the case of Bon-Bon and Lyra a decision is to be made on your behalf... it’s out of your hands I’m afraid.”

“I don’t-- okay I’ll believe that our government is spying on us but... but no, I’m sorry, I can’t-- I don’t believe this for a second,” Jon maintained. “I have control over my show... and I’m the one who makes the calls around here! I honestly don’t see any way in which I would allow Lyra anywhere near my studio... uh... sorry Lyra, no offense.”

The crowd chuckled at Jon’s refusal to believe something so small yet so significant for his show.

“I know it’s hard to believe. I won’t spoil how it happens but I will say this... you told someone to do something that you reeeeaaally shouldn't have,” Whooves hinted which Jon might have figured out had he not continued to his next point. “Which brings me to your guest following the dynamic duo that is Bon-Bon and Lyra; coming in at number two is a real fan favorite, the adorable trio that is the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”

Again the same reaction as before: Ponies were shocked, humans slightly confused, and Jon refusing to accept.

“The Cutie Ma-- THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!” Jon bellowed while certain demographic of guests wondered as to why this was so jolting a subject.

“And when I say you’ll be interviewing the CMC girls I don’t mean just Applebloom, Scootaloo, or Sweetie Belle individually,” Whooves added with great amusement at Jon’s surprise. “Oh no, no, no! I mean you’ll be talking with all three girls, at the same time, right here, in your first ever interview with three guests at once!”

As much as he enjoyed watching Jon squirm, Whooves did his best to maintain his stiff upper lip and refrain from breaking out in a series of snorts and laughter. Jon however attempted no such form of self control as he was still in the throes of panicked disbelief.

“Y-y-you’re telling me that... t-t-that I’m I’m-- NO! No, no, no, no, no! I’m sorry but this is unacceptable!” Jon said as he had brief flashbacks of the three filly friends tearing apart Rarity’s boutique like a Vietnam flashback and imagining what they could do once in his studio. “Don’t get me wrong I.... the... those three are as adorable as they are destructive but I would never have them on my show. No offense but... I mean they’re too young and I can’t even imagine any self-respecting adult giving them permission to... to, to, to, to come on an adult show like this.”

“Oooooh Jonathan... you delude yourself yet again with this illusion of choice.” Whooves shooked his head. “Much like with Lyra and Bon-Bon the decision to have the Cutie Mark Crusaders on your show isn’t one you’d willingly make yourself. In this instance... your hand was... or rather will be forced... again.”

“You’re telling me... I have no choice?” Jon said, finding it difficult, as well as insulting, to believe that in the future he would have less control over what his show produces.

“Historically no. Again I won’t spoil how this ends up happening but I will say this... you told them something you really shouldn't have,” Whooves answered, his tone as respectful as possible. “Also, while I’m on the subject, girls if you’re listening, and I know you are, you three will get your Cutie Marks very soon. Applebloom will get hers in architecture, Sweetie Belle will become a singer, and lastly Scootaloo discovers her true calling as a speed demon and becomes a member of the Wonderbolts.”

“S-Scootaloo is the one who becomes a wonderbolt!?” Jon asked.

“Yes, she becomes a member under the guide of the future captain, Rainbow Dash,” Whooves revealed followed by silence. “Oh... did I not mention that Rainbow Dash becomes the captain in the future... well she does.”

With all his weight shifted forward Jon took a breath so deep Whooves could feel it from the other side of the table. He tried to keep his wits about him in regards to what had been said. Going into this interview he knew there was a chance that Whooves would irresponsibility reveal what events were destined to happen, in fact he expected it. But this was all too much to take.

After hearing about how, during his departure to pursue his movie, he’d be missing out on some of the biggest events in American history Jon thought that things couldn't get any more unbelievable. It was this moment of assumed tranquility that completely left Jon unprepared for hearing about the future of his most lucrative series of interviews.

But as with all things as more time passed the more he got used to the idea. He still didn’t like the concept of interviewing Lyra or three little girls at once, and he even made plans to prevent this, but he was now weaning himself. With a few clean breaths to settle himself down, Jon tried to resume things as they were once more.

“Well then it sounds like I have quite the busy schedule ahead of me,” Jon confessed, determined to face this head on. “Now then, about that third guest... you did say you’d be revealing my next three Equestrian interviewees, right?”

“So I did! Brace yourself Jon because this next one is a big one!” Whooves warned. “I’m telling ya, it’ll make the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Lyra and Bon-Bon look like nothing by comparison.”

“As long as I’m not interviewing four people at once I think I should be fine,” Jon countered, determined to not get psyched out. “W-wait... that’s not what happens is it? Or worse I’ll-- Oh God... don’t tell me I’m going to interview the mane six.”

This idea was as chaotic sounding as anything he’d heard thus far, making it seem all the more plausaible.

“No, no your third interview will be with only one individual; I’ll spoil that right now,” Whooves assured Jon like he needed it. “I also know when you’ll interview the other members of the mane six. But I’m telling you... the one I’m about to reveal... trust me it’s going to be wild.”

After hearing that it was to be a more traditional one-on-one interview Jon was relieved to the point that Whooves’ warnings meant nothing to him. If it was just one person he knew he could take it.

“Okay, I’m ready!” Jon rubbed his hands together. “Let me hear it.”

“As you wish Jonathan.” Whooves smirked. “Your third interview will be with... a dragon.”

“I... I get to interview another dragon!?” Jon exclaimed with all smiles. “Oh wow that’s great! I-- OH! Is it with Spike again? Isn’t it a bit early for a reinterview?

“It’s not with Spike, and it’s not just any dragon,” Whooves continued. “As well as being a dragon this individual is also a pony...”

“Is that right!” Jon said, excited but still slightly underwhelmed. “Well I certainly-- wait how can that--”

“... As well a lion,” Whooves added, interrupting Jon. “And a bat, and a goat, and a snake, and a deer, and a--”

“HEY NOW WAIT A SECOND!” Jon interrupted back while waving his hands. “I thought you said I’d be interviewing a single person not a whole damn zoo!”

“Do not worry Jon. For I assure you that I was indeed speaking the truth,” Whooves said after cocking his head to the side in preparation. “You are destined to interview one person; these animals I speak of however are in fact one in the same.”

Confused as to how this could possibly be, Jon looked to be without any idea of what he was talking about, leaving Whooves the perfect opportunity to address the audience.

“Attention any and all that can hear me!” Whooves announced. “Following his interview with Lyra, Bon-Bon, Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle... Jon will be interviewing the one and only Discord, God of Chaos... technically.”

Some of the more devoted followers of The Daily Show had seen enough Equestrian Interviews to recall who Discord was and promptly reacted in an appropriate fashion. Some fans had no idea who Discord was but the title of “God of Chaos” was enough to get them talking and speculating.

However those watching from Equestria began to panic at the idea of Discord returning.

Jon didn’t respond, or rather he couldn't. He could recall every interview he ever had and as such knew exactly who Discord was and what this meant as far as implications went. The idea of interviewing Discord as a guest momentarily stunned Jon. Dragons, unicorns, and changelings were one thing but the concept of being face to face with a malevolent trickster god was scary in ways Jon couldn’t articulate. He roughly knew of what Discord could and could not do which is why Jon now found himself smiling like he had just unraveled a particularly difficult puzzle.

“Ha... AH HA! Now I know you’re just full of it!” Jon accused with an outward pointed finger in Whooves’ direction. “I h-happen to know that Discord is currently encased in stone! He... he-he was imprisoned again by the Mane Six after breaking out s-so there’s no way he’d be on my show!”

“You sure about that Jonathan?” Whooves asked, looking as smug as Jon was.

“Positive! Twilight told me all about it!” Jon countered. “So unless... u-unless she and her friends used the Elements of Harmony to free him or something I doubt what you’re telling me is the truth.”

With a face that expressed a most sincere look of surprise, Whooves pursed his lips together and whistled a tune equivalent to saying “wow.”

“And here I thought I was good at predicting the future,” Whooves commented.

“W-wait,” Jon stammered. “You... you’re not serious are you?” Rather than answering his question Whooves did something that frightened him down to his very being; he turned to face the audience again.

“To everypony out there watching this from Equestria... it is exactly as Jon Stewart here says,” Whooves began. “Like before, Discord, the God of Chaos and Destruction, will be released from his stone imprisonment. This time at the behest of Princess Celestia to the Mane Six.”

Jon had to take a moment to register that a time traveler was now accusing the princess of another world of planning on issuing an order to the guardians of said world to use their magic to release a god who represented chaos. For anyone else believing that this was possible was grounds for being put into an asylum but for Jon he had no doubt that it existed, just a slight disbelief that it actually was going to happen.

Though at the same time if what he was saying was true Jon couldn't have asked for a better turn of events. Placing his hands under his desk, to hide the fact that they were trembling, Jon took a quick breather before he spoke.

“Whooves... you’ve said a lot of things here today but to insinuate that Celestia... my friend... m-my homie if you will... to insinuate that she would willing allow the release of one of Equestria’s greatest evils is a hell of a thing to say,” Jon calmy rebutted. “Why... on earth would Celestia do this? Why... uh, that is, why would she just willfully release such a dangerous monster on her own people?”

“Well... her plan was to reform him,” Whooves explained. “She wants Twilight and her friends to use the power of friendship to make him see the errors of his ways to turn his life around.”

“So basically a reverse Darth Vader,” Jon quipped. “Aaaand because it worked that makes it so he’s allowed to be set free... thereby giving him the perfect opportunity to be on my show.”

“Yep, there’s no way around it,” Whooves went on to say. “You really should have avoided that maze.”

“Jesus Christ.” Jon sighed, ignoring his cryptic message and leaning back in his seat.

Emotionally he was so drained that the prospect of interviewing an actual god didn’t seem so daunting a task. In actuality the gravity of the situation would never truly sink in. Had he been given more time to think about what this meant he might’ve even gone into a panic attack much greater than anything displayed so far but that would not happen. Especially with Whooves just warming up.

“However,” Whooves added. “That’s just her cover story.” Jon’s head shot up.

“E-excuse me?” Jon asked.

“Her wanting Discord to be reformed certainly was her idea... but her true intentions actually run so much deeper,” Whooves said, still facing the audience. “Celestia... if you’re watching and I know you are... I know.... I know everything.”

What followed was a moment of silence that Jon dared not break by speaking.

“I know why you wanted Discord reformed. One reason was so you’d have an excuse for leaving the Elements of Harmony in the hooves of Twilight... so when she activated a certain spell... a series of events would lead to her becoming... more like you,” Whooves cryptically announced. “I think we both know what I’m getting at here... I know what you’re planning.”

“Um excuse me,” Jon interrupted. “What... are you trying to say here? Mind filling us in, Morpheus?”

Slowly Whooves turned to face Jon again while cartoonishing rubbing his hooves together like Dick Dastardly plotting an evil scheme.

“Jon, did I ever tell you that I know Twilight?” Whooves asked. “That we’ve met on a couple of occasions?”

“No you haven’t but I don't doubt it,” Jon said. “From what I hear Twilight is a real mare about town... I’m sure you’ve met a few times.”

“Well yes but I don’t mean in the here and now,” Whooves said. “I mean back where I’m from... in my time we’re... let’s say acquaintances.”

Reflexively Jon was about to comment on how lovely that was and ask how any of that was of any relevance to what was being talking about. But before he could something clicked in his head.

“Th- wait... what? Wait you and Twilight know each other from back when-- how’s that possible?” Jon asked. “You live a thousand years in the future, there’s no way Twilight would still be alive then... well unless she was--”

“Immortal?” Whooves finished for him.

“Exactly,” Jon concluded. “And there’s no way that’s possible unless she was a... wait... y-y-you don’t mean...”

“Oh I do,” Whooves said as he leaned back and threw his head into the air. “This is a message to all willing to hear it... Celestia will issue onto Twilight a series of challenges which she will pass with flying colors... ultimately leading to her graduating to the highest order of existence known to pony-kind.”

From all walks of life, there was silence.

“That’s right!” Whooves said. “In the not too distant future... Celestia will transform Twilight Sparkle into an Alicorn... making her the newest Princess in Equestria... Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

Even Whooves was momentarily surprised by the crowd’s reaction which volume wise was somewhere between a jet plane taking off and an elephant yodeling into a megaphone. The interview between Jon and Twilight was one of the most watched of all time with most fans knowing of who Twilight was. So to hear that such a fan favorite was becoming royalty meant that the crowd was spewing forth gleeful hollars and deafening applause like never before.

All were celebrating but Jon who stayed perfectly still with his jaw practically on the edge of its hinges. He looked shocked and surprised but not so much by the fact that his friend was destined to become an eternal being like her mentor but by the fact that Whooves would even know about it. This was the moment Jon was waiting for and now that it was here he almost didn’t know what to do.

“This... this is it,” Jon thought as he tried to formulate his thoughts in speech form. “This is the proof I’ve been waiting for!”