Episode 18: Dr. Whooves on the Daily Show

There was slight confusion among both the staff and those in the live audience due to the sudden shift in tone as the interview took a complete change of topic. This feeling was less reflective of the audience since at this point they expected anything to happen during an installment of “Equestrian Interviews,” but the staff felt as if something was going on behind the scenes, like there was something being prepared without them knowing and they were all a part of something big, bigger than themselves.

Their first hint was that Jon, at the last minute, made this episode’s interview an Equestrian one. This wasn’t in itself completely unlike anything Jon had done before or was capable of but nevertheless he prided himself on, usually, having a tight schedule. What set off some alarms was that he did this for a seemingly uninteresting guest; an Earthpony who was just a town timekeeper. Their suspicions were later confirmed when he turned out to be a time traveler which prompted the two to dance around the issue for the majority of the segment.

All but one of the staff members were kept completely in the dark, with that notable exception being Jon’s assistant Selina who also didn’t know about Whooves being a time traveler but knew he and Jon were up to something respectively; in fact her other task for that night was attending to Jon’s other guest who he had waiting back in his office. She had no idea what was truly going on and indeed didn’t know what was currently happening. For some reason Jon had deviated from his normal standard and began to talk to Whooves directly, not for the benefit of the interview but rather looking as if he was threatening. What he would say next surprised everyone who heard.

“Whooves I regret to have to inform you that this whole interview has been a fake,” Jon said as he stood up to get a height advantage. In response to this the crowd began to loudly discuss the revelation amongst themselves and with the stage hands, who were too surprised themselves to try and calm them down. With a gesture of his hand he pointed to the very audience that was making the commotion. “These audience members are the only ones viewing this, the cameras are recording but they’re not broadcasting this anywhere.”

The discussion among the crowd grew louder.

“I’m no business pony... though I do have several degrees in the field of enterprise,” Whooves bragged. “But if an individual wants to have a lasting career in television I’m pretty sure actually broadcasting the show might help bring in viewers.”

“This isn’t about my show,” Jon said. “This is about you... and me.”

“Is that right?” Whooves questioned. “So tell me Jonathan... why exactly did you set me up here in this fake broadcast?”

“To protect those who might be listening,” Jon said. “Since the very start my goal here was to try and get you to admit who you really are... to try and get you to fully confess that you are a time traveler.”

“I kind of already did that,” Whooves reminded. “Wasn’t that preeeeetty much the first thing I said?”

“Yes and that’s why... you see the reason I didn’t want the world to find out is because if you happened to reveal anything that could possibly cause a panic I wanted to make sure it was contained,” Jon revealed. “And seeing as how you’ve revealed events that have yet to happen both in Equestria and in the human world I made the right choice.”

“So if I’m to understand correctly… you set this whole thing up just to try and get me to confess to practically no one watching that I can travel through time?” Whooves surmised out loud. “Uh... why? What's the point of all this?”

Slowly Jon hoisted one of his arms, which had been firmly placed on his desk, to point behind Whooves at the backstage where his office would be.

“Because aside from this audience there is someone else watching,” Jon advised. “You’re not the only pony I invited here tonight... back stage even as we speak Princess Celestia has been waiting in my office watching the entire show.”

No one but Jon and Selina knew about this so everyone, from the back row audience member to the sound effects team, strained to understand what was going on. If what Jon was saying was true then the supreme god and leader of another world was but a few feet away in a small office with a dirty window view and a half working AC unit.

“Celestia you say!?” Whooves feigned. “How duplicitous! Now why would she be here?”

“Simple; I told her all about you. Right after we met the first thing I did was call her up to have you on my show and reveal to her your secret. Yeah, I lied,” Jon admitted. “Of course she didn’t believe me at first so after she was done with her last meeting in the Castle she teleported herself to my office shortly after doing the same with you... she’s been watching the entire time so now she knows everything.”

“Well then... this certainly doesn’t bode well for me now does it?” Whooves commented, though he didn’t look the least bit concerned. “So... why exactly did you set all this up then?”

“Because now... Celestia knows you're a criminal of her Kingdom roundabout a thousand years from now. Which means that unless you want her to imprison you it’d be in your best interest to do as I say,” Jon explained. “The only reason she hasn’t barged in and arrested you by now is because she’s in my world and slightly... out of her jurisdiction... we agreed that what’s to be done with you is entirely within my discretion.”

Something about Jon’s plan was apparently humorous enough to make Whooves chuckle to himself. While finding this odd, bordering on insulting, Jon continued to throw his cards on the table.

“So from here on out you’re going to do what I tell you to do or things will end very badly for you,” Jon warned. “Having said that... unless you help me save Trixie I can’t guarantee I can convince Celestia to go easy on you.”

Whooves’ idle chuckling had, by this point, evolved into a full on onslaught of laughter which only further confused the already bewildered staff and audience. They had no idea what was going on or for that matter how Trixie played a role in this since they were for the most part ignorant of the fact that she was injured.

“S-so... so that’s your plan!?” Whooves laughed. “You’re blackmailing me!?”

“It’s the only way. Celestia and I are good friends so she’ll listen to me... I can get her to spare you and if you’re lucky even turn a blind eye to your criminal activities... she’ll fight me on this but I know I can convince her,” Jon advised. “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you but I’m only willing to do so if you give me something in return.”

“Oooooh you’d like it back in my time,” Whooves commented. “Corrupt dealings like these are very... very common.”

“I’ll ignore that. Because right now... the way I see it... I’m the best chance you’ve got of returning home to your life with Derpy,” Jon said, pausing to let the gravity of the situation sink in for his guest. “So I’ll ask you one last time...”

There was another pause, prompting all who were watching to lean in with anticipation. Some believed this story to be completely true while others were still running on the assumption that this was all an act, but were nevertheless interested to see where it was going.

“Whooves... will you send me back in time to save my friend Trixie?” Jon asked. A silence overcame the studio so strong that even the slightest breath was loud enough to be heard by all. It was for this reason that it looked as if the studio had stopped in time, with not a single individual attempting to so much as blink lest they miss Whooves’ response to Jon’s question... which he gave only after reaching forward to take one last sip out of his Daily Show mug.

“No,” Whooves answered.

For the first time in a while Jon felt as if he had control. Control over his life, control over his show, and control over elements that aimed to hinder him, and just like that it was this same sense which was slowly slipping away from him right here where it all began, on his show, during an interview.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO, HOW!?” Jon roared, slamming his fists on the table. “Don’t you get it!? You need me! Without me to help Celestia will do lord knows what to you once she gets her hands on you! How can you still refuse to help me given your situation!?”

“Because Jonathan, I have a duty to uphold the timeline,” Whooves maintained. “I’m sorry but I have a moral obligation to not--”

“DON’T GIVE ME THAT!” Jon yelled so loud there was a sharp audio feedback. “How can you sit there and lecture me on the ethics of time travel when you’ve already fucked up the timeline once already!? You have absolutely no respect for... for... I mean for God’s sake you sat there believing we were broadcasting live and you still revealed what would happen in the future like it was nothing and--”

“You actually believe that I thought we were live?” Whooves interjected. “Really?”

Jon’s ranting was cut short as he was now forced into consideration of what his guest was hinting at.

“What are... what do you mean?” Jon asked, slightly out of breath.

“I knew the entire time we were off the air,” Whooves explained.

“... H-how?...” Jon asked, unable to formulate much of a response.

“Fun fact about me- I’ve never lost a game of chess before in my entire life. Nor have I ever had to write a draft of a paper,” Whooves bragged. “When I do something I’ve already planned everything out in my head. I don’t need time travel to accurately predict someone’s actions when I can formulate scenarios in my head faster than any machine... I’ve had you pegged since the moment this interview started.”

As was sometimes the case with an interview as highly touted as this, Jon was at a loss for words. He was slowly starting to once again feel like his authority was being usurped; the sad part was this feeling was starting to become all too familiar to him.

“Also, what makes you think that we’re really off the air?” Whooves asked.

“W-what?” Jon asked.

“I said what makes you think we’re not really on the air? I’ll bet you gave an explicit order to your camera guys to only pretend to film this interview but in actuality they were only recording not broadcasting,” Whooves accurately assumed. “But here’s the thing... I’ll bet if those very same camera operators were to look at the little indicator on their side of the screen they will find that this is... no longer the case.”

As if his body was frozen Jon refused to move even a little bit, but soon his own unyielding curiosity got the better of him and he slowly turned to his left with Whooves remaining silent; allowing him to do so. He was expecting his eyes to meet with one or two of his cameramen but they were too focused on their camera’s interface with expressions like they’d seen a ghost. This was all the confirmation Jon needed.

“Want to know something funny?” Whooves asked, prompting Jon to look back on him. “We’ve actually been broadcasting the entire time... everypony and everybody has been watching us since the very start.”

“B-b-but…” Jon stammered.

“But you’re wondering how this could possibly be?” Whooves guessed. “Simple, I did it. I made this happen.”

“I can’t… but… y-you...” Jon struggled to say as he sank in his seat.

“Now you’re wondering how I could possibly have done this?” Whooves accurately assumed. “I was able to do so with… THIS!”

With a quick sleight of his hoof the genius Earthpony produced a cylindrical device from his pocket. It was some kind of tool that looked like something that belonged wedged on the inside of a vehicle motor; Jon had never seen it before yet at the same time it looked familiar. It was a shiny chrome color with a black middle segment and copper parts at its base and head. The top glowed a faint green, giving the impression it had been activated.

“W-w-what is that thing?” Jon asked.

“My most trustworthy tool to date! It’s a screwdriver!” Whooves revealed. Jon was about to comment but was cut off. “And I know what you’re thinking; ‘that’s not a screw driver’ and you’re right! Because a screw driver can’t do things like remotely operate devices.”

“Wha-wha-wait... wait did you... are you telling me that this... things of yours...” Jon said, trying to catch his breath as his mind began to run wild. “Are you telling me this thing can control my cameras!?”

“Oh it can do so... just so much more than that!” Whooves explained. “But yes, among other things this little number can control any electrical device remotely so long as I’m close enough to it.”

“I... I don’t believe you!” Jon challenged.

“I knew you wouldn't,” Whooves said as he raised his much praised device into the air and pushed a button.

Immediately, as if the studio was being taken over by some form of poltergeist, stage lights began to rapidly flicker on and off or change tones to cast the stage in many shifting colors. In addition, the studio was ablaze with countless noises ranging from the show’s theme song being played at high speeds to the announcer’s voice reading off dates while various gag sound effects flooded the room.

Daily Show workers were scrambling to fix either the lighting on stage or audio equipment upstairs but none of them could even begin to figure out how to return things to their proper order. It looked as if the show was about to sign off when Whooves lifted his hoof in the air with infinite slowness to press the button on his device, this time bringing peace and quiet back to the show.

“Like I said... it was me,” Whooves reminded as Jon tried to recover from his whole world crashing down around him. “Also, you might want to say something because we're still on the air.”

Taking his advice, Jon sat back down to face his guest, his mouth opened but no words escaped. After a brief pause he finally worked up the nerve to say something. He could hardly believe what Whooves had done; the implications were too great.

“W-why?” Jon asked. “Why would you do this? Why would you... why would you broadcast everything we’ve said to the... to the world!?”

“Because I wanted to prove a point,” Whooves said as he pressed a button on his device to briefly make the lights on stage shift onto him. “To show you that you’re not in control here, I am. I’m not afraid of you or anypony else who thinks they can get the better of me... and that includes Celestia who, by the way, isn’t going to help.”

“What do you mean?” Jon said.

“Think about it... with all the things I’ve said here today... why hasn’t Celestia come up on stage to subdue me?” Whooves had Jon consider. “And no, it’s not because she’s letting you handle the situation, we’ve already seen how well you’re doing at that... it’s because she can’t... she can’t do it!”

“I... I don’t understand,” Jon added.

“Jonathan, do you have any idea what it’s like... what it’s like to have your mind automatically simulate every possible scenario and come up with solutions for any given problem within a quarter of a second? To have the ability to come up with the next 358 moves in your head before your opponent has even made their first?” Whooves asked. “I’ve always known that Celestia was here... I knew you wouldn't broadcast this and that you need your ace in the hole to be nearby... oh and by the way... did you even bother to read the text message she gave you?”

As if his heart was threatening to stop, Jon slammed his hand against his chest where his cellphone was comfortably resting in his pocket. It would seem that Whooves had figured out that once Celestia had all the evidence she needed against him, was ready to assist Jon, and had everything in order that she was to send him a text as a signal for him to initiate phase two.

“You know what Jonathan, go ahead... read it,” Whooves offered. “Read what your dear friend Celestia has to say... go on, I’ll wait.”

Usually this would be the point where the audience would cheer and encourage Jon to go along with this plan but even they found themselves unable to properly voice their opinions. Instead they sat in anticipation, silently wishing that Jon would do as his guest said rather than just blankly staring at him. Fortunately their prayers were answered by Jon who slowly dug his hand into his jacket pocket and whipped out his phone which by now had been used more times against him than in his favor as of late.

Quietly he began to read the message on the surface of its face, mouthing off each word with everyone watching wishing they could read lips. The more he read however the more his eyes began to dilate and his hand shake like he was holding a block ice rather than a cellular device. With his free hand he covered his quivering mouth like he was afraid he would vomit at any moment.

“What does it say Jonathan? Because I’m willing to bet my bottom bit that you thought it would say something along the lines of ‘Jonathan I have everything ready, you may proceed’ or something like that, huh?” Whooves speculated with Jon too shocked by how accurate he was to respond. “But in reality I bet it actually says something like ‘Jonathan help! Something is wrong, I can’t get on stage! Some unknown force is pushing me away!’”

What he was saying was so suspiciously accurate that Jon wondered if he somehow saw the text before he did since he almost recited it word for word. It was as Whooves said, the text message he received from his angelic friend was a warning rather than her affirming that their plan was progressing correctly. Celestia had no idea what was going on but Jon already knew what form of sorcery was keeping her at bay.

“It’s you,” Jon pointed to Whooves. “You’re doing something to keep her away from us.”

“A rather fair assumption; and a correct one at that,” Whooves said as he took his alleged screwdriver and flicked it into the air, catching it before it hit the ground. “This marvelous little tool is very much multifunctional and can do many great things... one such use it has is a magic barrier... where it negates nearby magic and repels it so it can’t get near me... want to know how a pair of Earthponies managed to take down an Alicorn god, well this really helped.”

“You... you knew all along she was here, didn’t you?” Jon asked as he slumped back in his chair. “You knew... everything from the very start.”

“Let me check my notes... yes, yes I did,” Whooves jested. “Which is why I felt safe saying the things I said... if this was a game of chess I believe this is the part where I say ‘checkmate.’”

Even though he had told himself as much many times leading up to this he still fell for a dangerous trap that he felt could have been easily avoided; he underestimated his opponent. Everything that Jon had planned was falling apart before his eyes and even Celestia couldn't help him now, leaving him alone to match wits with the smartest pony to ever exist. Again the same crushing sense of not knowing what to do overwhelmed him, nowadays this feeling was so common it almost felt standard.

Having Celestia in his corner had been Jon’s ace in the hole, knowing that a god was on your side can make even the most humble of humans arrogant and aloof. Jon didn’t want to accept defeat so soon and yet he realized he was dealing with forces far beyond anything he could ever hope to understand. He had hit another low point.

But just as things were looking like they couldn't get any worse something clicked in Jon’s head, something that, for most of the interview, he tried to keep at the foreground of his mind for just such an occasion. Jon didn’t have super memory like his Earthpony friend but even so he recalled that, aside from Celestia, he had one last ace in the hole.

“Fine... you win,” Jon said, who looked as shocked as his audience who knew him to never give up. “I admit it... I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I could outsmart you but it seems... I was wrong.”

“Well good on ya, mate,” Whooves cheered. “That’s quite level headed of you to say. But don’t worry because I’ll--”

“But that doesn’t mean I’ve lost total control over my own show,” Jon added.

“I beg your pardon?” Whooves said.

“You’ve had my cameras on this entire time... well, the way I see it, if that’s the case... then there is still so much for us to talk about,” Jon answered.

“What are you saying, Stewart?” Whooves demanded to know.

“I’m saying...” Jon said as he picked up his notes to straighten them… “we still have an interview to finish.”

Sitting straight up in his seat and arching his neck, Jon adjusted his suit and used his fingers to comb his hair back.

“You still want to carry on with the show? Really? You know I was joking about going on for hours right? Between freely revealing that I’m not of this this time period and exposing your government's corrupt dealings I think I’ve ran out of things to talk about.” Whooves shrugged. “I have a pretty impressive stamp collection back home if you want me to talk about that.”

Even after all that had been said, and the emotional baggage that came with it, the crowd still found it within them to chuckle at Whooves’ attempt to liven up the situation that he had not so surreptitiously made awkward. But while the crowd attempted to secrete a sense of levity back into the moment Jon just sat there looking as determined as he was when he first took the show.

“No I’m serious here Whooves... I feel like there is so much we’ve yet to discuss,” Jon assured him. “You may not want to but I’m going to appeal to your scientific sense of curiosity and say that there has been something I’ve been holding back since the beginning of this interview that I have yet to bring up...  till now... a sort of trump card if you will.”

Even Whooves had to admit he didn’t see this coming nor could he ignore it. His curiosity had been beyond peaked.

“Hm... this is new,” Whooves stated. “And what might that be exactly?”

“Oh you’ll see. That is if you’re still willing to continue with our little friendly back and forth,” Jon said as he turned to face the audience. “Back me up here guys; you don’t want this interview to end just yet do ya? C’mon!”

At first the audience needed time to get themselves riled up like an old car with a bad engine. But soon in standard fashion they were cheering and begging for things to continue, their cries for more directed squarely at Whooves who found it hard to say no. By this point he was committed to taking Jon’s bait but even if he hadn’t he would have found it hard to say no to nearly a hundred humans peer pressuring him.

“Very well then Mr. Stewart,” Whooves said as he arched himself to throw his back hooves on the desk. “Show me... what you got.”

“Oh you’ll live to regret those words, buddy,” Jon said in a joking tone though he was very much serious. “You may be smarter than me but I’m famous for making other people look stupid.”

“I tend to do the same thing as well. Though... not intentionally,” Whooves smirked back as Jon lowered his arm to grab something under his desk. “But enough about me, let’s talk about you... want to know what you’ll have for breakfast six months from now?”

“Actually,” Jon began as he threw something on the table, “there’s still so much about you yet to be discovered.”

Leaning forward an inch Whooves looked over to see that Jon had thrown his manila envelope back onto the table, the very same one he used to “trick” him into revealing he was a time traveler and to discover that Derpy was also from the future. It was about one-eighth the size of Whooves’ envelope on Jon which was a compendium of his entire life whereas the one on him was of only a couple years. He was not impressed.

“You’re fond of that little envelope file aren’t you, Jonathan,” Whooves commented. “I know exactly what to get you for your birthday.”

“Trust me, there’s a good reason why I’m bringing this back out,” Jon said. “Because with this I’m going to expose you for the pony that you are.”

“Did I just travel back a half hour and not realize it?” Whooves asked as he jokingly checked the time on his pocket watch and began to frantically look in all directions. “I thought we’ve been through this already?”

“We did and do you remember how I did it?” Jon asked without any regard for an answer. “With this I discovered that your existence in Ponyville and indeed this time can only be traced back by two years... which meant that you suddenly appeared after traveling back in time.”

“Yes but if you’d also recall this little ‘discovery’ was proved to be rather redundant since I had already willingly admitted to being a time traveler. Watch I’ll do it again!” Whooves demonstrated by turning around on his swivel chair to yell in the direction of the backstage. “Hey Celestia, you still held up back there!? Well guess what, I’m still a treasonous time traveling fugitive from the future and you still can’t stop me! Frustrating isn’t it!”

“Oh I wouldn’t say it was completely redundant,” Jon said to the back of his guest as he reached for the page on the very bottom. “Because we also learned by this method that your wife Derpy was also from the future and-- WELL would you look at this... a medical file.”

In his effort to further antagonize the unseen leader from off screen Whooves had begun to wave his proclaimed screwdriver in the air, but when Jon revealed what it was he had found he suddenly stopped mid taunt. Jon couldn’t see from his angle but those observing from the backstage entrance could see Whooves’ face slowly morph into a surprised frown.

He looked like instead of a piece of paper Jon had produced a gun and was pointing it at the brown Earthpony’s back. He was so shocked that he almost dropped his magic repelling device which would have mostly likely derailed the interview, but seeing as how neither guest nor host were anything to each other it looked as if that had already happened.

Slowly the guest of the night turned his chair to face Jon again who was fanning himself with a single piece of paper, looking determined while his guest looked like he was on the verge of being humiliated.

“W-where... where did... you find that?” Whooves asked.

“Oh this? It was in the mountain of paperwork that Mayor Mare allowed me access to,” Jon said. “If you’re wondering how it was found well then you severely underestimate the power of an unlimited supply of interns... all I had to say was ‘first person to bring me something worth my while will get an extra college credit’ and they found this in a matter of minutes.”

Much like throughout the entirety of the interview Whooves was doing his best to repress any emotional outbursts he might have in order to maintain his aloof demeanor. For the most part it was done so he wouldn’t burst out laughing at the slightest provocation but in the case of Jon’s surprise reveal he found himself trying his best to steady an already bubbling mass of anger.

“Funny thing was we couldn't find anything relating to both you and Derpy up until a certain point which is no surprise considering you two don’t technically exist yet,” Jon explained as he idly continued to fan himself. “But then one keen eyed intern found this in a mass of papers that would make Al Gore cry. Do you know what it is? Of course you do, it’s a medical report about your wife... Derpy.”

“Is this how you entertain your fanbase?” Whooves asked, now slightly regretting his decision to make things live. “Going through other ponies private medical records for everypony to see!?” Ignoring his question, Jon continued.

“This one was particularly hard to find because it wasn’t grouped in hers or your main portfolio,” Jon continued to explain.

“Stop,” Whooves said under his breathe.

“But rather it was in a huge pile of paperwork under ‘medical records’ general to the entire town,” Jon continued.

“Stop,” Whooves repeated much louder.

“But I digress... in this report it says that Derpy went and got herself a psychological test as part of a routine physical,” Jon explained further.

“Stop!” Whooves said as loudly as he could.

“And right here at the bottom it says, in black and white, that as far as Ponyville is concerned Derpy Whooves is... completely healthy on all accounts both physically and mentally. So a clean ticket of health for her,” Jon revealed, confusing the audience as to why he brought it up and doing little to curb Whooves’ rising temper. “So good for her... when I saw this I almost didn’t bother keeping it but then the intern who found it for me pointed out something rather... interesting.”

“I said stop!” Whooves exclaimed.

“Right here... under date.” Jon pointed. “Says here that this physical was done... several years before your arrival in Ponyville.”

Jon was still holding a piece of paper and not a gun, though to Whooves it felt as if this revelation announced by Jon was a bullet that went through his heart. He had little to say.

“Now of course those in Ponyville wouldn't think this suspicious at all since it’s understandable that some files are to go missing while others are not... however for those of us paying attention this here makes no sense and by all rights shouldn't exist,” Jon explained to Whooves who had to briefly look away as sweat from his brow found its way into his eye. “We’ve already learned that you and Derpy before a certain point didn’t live in Ponyville because you were in the future... so tell me Whooves... how could Derpy have had a physical years before she existed in this timeline?”

Getting up to where he was leaning forward, Whooves slammed both his front hooves on the table, knocking over his Daily Show mug in the process.

“How would you like it if somepony went through your psychological records!?” Whooves yelled as he grabbed the file he had on Jon so quickly half its contents spilled onto the desk and onto the floor. “Why don’t I go ahead and list everything wrong with you!”

“Here, I’ll save you the trouble! My name is Jon Stewart: I have huge daddy issues and I have an imaginary friend named Charlie the elephant!” Jon yelled back on the spot. “NO! This isn’t about that, this is about you and your wife so as I said before: How could Derpy have had any kind of medical examination several years prior to her arriving in this point in time!?”

This time Whooves had nothing to say which was in itself a rare moment. So instead he did the only thing he could do and yield the floor to Jon who was all too willing to carry the interview further.

“Well if you won’t say anything then allow me to tell you my theory!” Jon continued to interrogate. “Let’s begin with the obvious... this file here is a forgery, a fake... an attempt by you to convince the good people of Ponyville that your wife Derpy is perfectly healthy... the question is... why?”

A pony though he was, Whooves was breathing so deeply through his muzzle that if he had horns he could have been confused for a raging bull. But as always he tried to remain calm, though in practice was just suppressing a specific type of anger that had been pent up long before this day- years of hate that was full to burst at any second.

“I’ll tell ya why! You did this to fool everyone into thinking Derpy’s alright when in reality there is something... something wrong with her,” Jon speculated which caused Whooves to tuck his head and cover his ears with his hooves.

“Please stop,” Whooves begged.

“As someone who has met with Derpy a couple of times and indeed interviewed her... I’ve always just assumed that she was just a bit... off,” Jon added. “What my mother would called a Flibbertigibbet... but now after seeing this... I can safely say that I’ve come to conclusion that there’s something bigger at stake... something worth trying to cover up.”

No matter how hard he covered his ears Whooves couldn't fully block out what Jon was saying; at this point he had heard it all before.

“Whooves?” Jon asked, waiting an awkward few seconds before continuing. “Derpy is crazy... isn’t she?” Despite his ears being covered he heard what Jon had said and like a jack in a box it made him jump from his seat onto the table where he ran towards Jon, almost slipping over the several strewn about paper in the process.

“SHUT UP! DON’T TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!” Whooves roared as he slapped the fake medical report out of Jon’s hands. “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING; YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH! SHE’S NOT CRAZY GOD DAMMIT, SHE’S NOT CRAZY! SHE KNOWS HER NAME! SHE KNOWS HER NAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!”

As if their roles were reversed it was now Whooves who had succumbed to an emotional outburst while Jon was still sitting in his seat unphased by his guest’s yelling, with a calm and collected look about him like he knew this would happen. And it was there that the two glared at each other, anger on one end and indifference on the other.

Whooves was the first to break this staring contest when he regained his composure and realized where he was. In rare form he could only barely remember what he had said or done, it was difficult because the amount of anger he had unleashed was enough to make him lose sight of what was going on around him.

Hesitantly he looked to his right to see that the audience was now directly staring at him, with a level of surprise mirroring his own. He wasn’t one to be in this kind of position; his logical mindset meant that he was not one to give way to feelings. He was always calm and collected and thinking things through from every possible angle... that is unless the central topic was his wife; only then was he a slave to his emotions.

“Why don’t you set the record straight then?” Jon offered, causing Whooves to quickly look back to him. “You obviously went to a lot of effort to make sure that if anyone were to investigate they would find that Derpy was sane.”

Reaching forward, Jon motioned for Whooves to sit back down.

“Why don’t you tell us why,” Jon repeated. “Because to me it seems like... you really need to get something off your chest here.”

The sound of Whooves’ heavy breathing could be heard by all, with the added assistance of the mic attached to his collar. As time went on it became harder and harder to hear his strenuous gasps for breath as he quickly regained his resolve. Taking a step back, so he wasn’t so much in Jon’s face, he finally said something.

“Fine,” Whooves said. “I’ll explain.”

Turning on his hooves, the quirky time traveler walked back to his seat with careful steps as to not slip on the various pages littered about. With a quick hop he lunged forward where he was caught by his sturdy chair and, after reaching out to grab the table, he promptly scooched himself back into his previous position.

“But before I begin let me make myself clear... Derpy is not crazy,” Whooves reiterated as he adjusted his bow-tie and suit. “She’s just... it’s a long story.”

“I have time,” Jon said. “Please… help me... understand.”

After another quick deep breath Whooves proceeded to do just that.

“Well then... what you need to understand first of all is that... well like I’ve said already, the future is much different than present Equestria, much different. In the future our unfair economy means that social classes have never been more separate, to the point where if we're not arguing amongst each other we’re at war with another nation,” Whooves explained. “And while it’s true that Zenith and I are responsible for helping bring forth a new era of philosophy there are also dangerous civilian revolutions with unseen forces controlling them... basically what I’m saying is that life in my time is difficult... and Derpy never liked it... I’ve always said that she’s a pony born far too late in life.”

“Was she always... you know,” Jon said, making circling motions with his hands around his head as he had no other way of asking such a question.

“If you’re asking if she’s always been as... quirky as she is now then the answer is ‘no’... she actually used to be quite smart and...” Whooves paused to gather his thoughts as he took a quivering, deep breath. “Remember how I said I tutored her while I was a professor?”

“Yes, yes I do,” Jon said. “You said that… t-that it was a deal with her mother, that in exchange for her food you helped her daughter… Derpy in her studies.”

“Correct, but later, when I actually got to know her on a more personal level I did it just to help her... you see both Derpy and her mother were very poor, which is why she couldn't properly pay me to help her transfer out of the lower level college she attended. Even giving me free drinks and food was enough to put them in the red sometimes,” Whooves explained. “You may be wondering why if they were so tight for money did they live in Canterlot or for that matter try to admit Derpy into the most expensive school in all of Equestria.”

“That thought did come to mind,” Jon said. “No offense, but I’ve met your wife before... it seems like you two come from completely different walks of life.”

“You’re right in assuming that, usually the two of us would have never met, but we did... and you can thank Derpy’s mom, Dizzy Doo, for that,” Whooves said.

“Her mother?” Jon asked. “What does she have to do with this?”

“When it comes to Derpy she had everything to do with this. No pony has had more of an influence than that woman... you see there’s this old saying that the closer you are to Canterlot Castle the better your life is, and Dizzy took that to heart,” Whooves continued. “All she ever wanted was the best for her daughter so when she was very young she moved to Canterlot where she started her own business to try and support the both of them.”

“Where was Derpy’s father?” Jon asked.

“He passed away when Derpy was young, back when they lived far out west. So as you can imagine it was difficult living in Canterlot when most residents who lived there did so for many generations and didn’t need to work since they were blessed by old money,” Whooves went on. “But that never stopped Dizzy from trying to provide her daughter with the best even though they had nothing when they first arrived. Their cafe did alright but they barely scraped by, it got even worse when Derpy was old enough to attend college. Dizzy wanted her daughter to attend Hoofington but there was no way they could afford it so Derpy went to a local community college first to try and transfer on a scholarship and even that was almost too expensive for them.”

“So Derpy and her mom had a hard life,” Jon commented. “But if I recall... there was more to it than that.”

“Oh so much more. You see, when they arrived in Canterlot they did so right around the time Zenith did; ponies other than Unicorns were not exactly greeted with open hooves just yet. So both Dizzy and Derpy were harassed for just being different,” Whooves said. “Dizzy never let it bother her as she was above all that... but her daughter... Derpy hated it. When she was younger ponies at school picked on her for being poor, for not being a Unicorn, and--”

“And because of her eyes,” Jon added.

“This is why she had problems making friends or letting anyone get close. Hell, when I first met her she hated the fact that she was getting tutored by someone half her age... self-esteem issues don’t just vanish,” Whooves explained. “No matter where she lived, how old she was, there was always something about her that made her the object of ridicule.”

“I actually do remember her talking about this when I interviewed her,” Jon recalled. “She uh, told me that... t-that when she was young ponies would make fun of her for having crooked eyes... but then whenever she felt sad her mother would cheer her up by making her a muffin.”

“It was never really about muffins... but rather her mother Dizzy providing the emotional support Derpy needed growing up,” Whooves said. “Her mother always knew what to say to cheer her up and despite living in poverty and having multiple jobs and her own business she always had time for her daughter. She was as hard working a laborer as she was a dyed-in-wool mother.”

“You know there’s-- I’ve been wondering something about the two of you... that is how... do your parents feel about you guys just running off the way you did?” Jon asked which made Whooves tense up. “I mean you’ve been going on about how Dizzy was willing to risk everything to give her daughter the best in life and... and, and, how the only pony Derpy ever relied on was her own mother so how are they okay with... with living a thousand years apart from each other?”

It was a question that Jon had on his mind for some time now. Two star-crossed lovers eloping was not unheard of and would occasionally make the premise of a cheesy hollywood film. But this was an extreme even by Equestrian standards. There was no way Jon could know just how much of an emotional strain it would be for Whooves to answer this question.

With a hefty sigh, Whooves placed his hooves over his face like he was trying to wash himself with unseen substance. Even though he could by nature never forget anything he wished time and time again that he could forget what he was about to reveal to not just Jon but to the entire world. He was about to go to a dark place he thought he’d never have to go again and now he was determined to bring everyone down with him.

“She’s... Dizzy’s not around anymore,” Whooves struggled to say. The crowd collectively either gasped or placed their hands over their mouths to prevent them from doing so.

“What do you... what happened?” Jon asked.

“Well... as you know when I made my time machine I did so because I wanted to win the billion bit reward... I did this because I wanted to support Derpy and her mother for the rest of their lives,” Whooves said, unintentionally gaining a series of awwws from the audience. “And of course I did make it, that part was no problem.”

Another unexpected reaction came in the form of the audience chuckling at Whooves casual recollection of attaining time travel.

“But you didn’t give it to Boltshock because you wanted to make sure it was ready for him, right?” Jon asked.

“Actually that was a lie,” Whooves admitted. “When I finished my time machine I had all the time in the world to give it to him, no pun intended, but I was distracted with something extremely important. It was only luck that later on that same year it was revealed that Boltshock was planning on using the power of time travel to his own greedy advantage.”

“Okaaaay but you... But what I don’t understand-- what could possibly have been so important as to keep you from cashing in on that billion dollar prize money?” Jon asked. “Wasn’t that the whole point? To get the money so you could support Derpy?”

“Jonathan... all I ever wanted was to make Derpy happy,” Whooves said, his face wincing in pain. “When we met I just wanted to be her friend and help her as much as I could... and as an adult all I wanted was to be with her and to take care of her forever... that’s why her mother liked me so much... because we both just wanted what was best for her.”

“I-I don’t understand,” Jon said. “W-what what happened?”

Even though he was out of water Whooves grabbed ahold of his Daily Show mug with a tight grip like he was afraid it would run away.

“Dizzy... was killed,” Whooves finally said.

This time there was no reaction from the audience; just silence.

“Derpy’s... Derpy’s mom died?” Jon asked in shock.

“No, she was murdered,” Whooves answered. “I remember far too vividly. Shortly after the completion of the Tardis I went to their house to tell them the good news. When I arrived I felt as if something was wrong... it was dark and I could feel an uneasiness in the air like something had gone wrong. My suspicions were validated when I found Dizzy’s body in the living room... there was evidence of a break in and a struggle, whoever did it was long gone by then. It was a horrible sight; blood was everywhere.”

“Jesus, Whooves I’m... I’m so sorry,” Jon said. His years of training on television made it so he could still go on with the interview despite his wanting to take a break. Most, if not all, of the emotional outcry was being made by the audience. “How did... I hate to have to ask but where was she at the time… how did Derpy take this?”

“Not well,” Whooves said. “Not well at all.”

Tilting his head back, Whooves glanced upwards at the ceiling which was a sprawling playground of running wires and light fixtures. He never thought he’d have to say this again.

“The problem with having eidetic memory is you can recall not just what you see or hear but how you felt as well, sometimes this can be very annoying,” Whooves complained. “I remember everything from that day, everything from what I saw to what was said with the emotional pain that came with it. After I discovered the body I went looking for Derpy in fear that she was also in danger. I thought that perhaps she was in her room hiding, or ran away in fear, but I soon found her... she was in the kitchen... baking muffins.”

Pausing for a moment, Whooves allowed this image to set into the minds of those who could hear him. Jon was moments away from trying to get him to continue his story when Whooves again began to speak.

“‘Ditzy, what happened here, why are you in the kitchen!? Are you okay!?’” Whooves said, imitating himself from that day. “This was the first thing I asked her when I saw her and do you know what she said to me? She said the most heart wrenching... the most devastating of cruel things that she has ever said to me.”

“W-what did she say?” Jon asked.

“Jon she… she looked me straight in my eyes and said,” Whooves recounted as he braced himself, “‘Who are you?’”

This statement alone, and the implication that came with it, almost made Jon want to go into the future himself and comfort Whooves at that point in time.

“She... she forgot about you?” Jon asked.

“Jon she forgot about everything! Seeing her own mother dead proved too much for her so she retreated into her own mind. To put it in more scientific terms the emotional shock of her mother’s untimely demise caused her to undergo an extreme psychological disorder where she developed both dissociative amnesia and a severe loss of cognitive process,” Whooves explained as intellectually as possible. “Dizzy was the anchor that kept Derpy from falling into a depressive state her entire life. It was because of her that Derpy managed to survive so long despite having a hard life since the day she was born... basically with her mother gone she wanted to escape reality as quickly as possible... and that reality unfortunately also included me.”

“Are you saying... that the Derpy I know today... her personality, her bizarre childlike sense of misdirection and her tendency to be forgetful... is all because of a mental breakdown?” Jon asked, regretting every time he felt annoyed by her.

“Yes and no... before her mother’s death she could be quite articulate and thought provoking as well as serious. But at the same time she had days where she could be carefree and spontaneous... she did have a tendency to be forgetful or clumsy which I always found cute about her, but afterwards those charming qualities... it was as if they were pushed to the extreme,” Whooves answered. “When I saw her… the day her mother passed on… it was like she had reverted back to being a child. She practically had no memory of anything from her past and it was incredibly difficult for her to create new memories. You could be talking with her and she’d have no idea where she was... but at the same time she was... happy... as if this is what she wanted, to be entirely unaware of anything around her. It... it sickened me.”

“So then... what did you do?” Jon could only ask. “What happened afterwards?”

“I did what I could Jonathan,” Whooves answered. “After the initial shock I took it upon myself to look after Derpy. She still couldn't remember me... or really anything, but I was determined to bring her back!”

This was a declaration that did not need further inquiry because Jon already knew the answer; he failed.

“I know what you’re thinking and you’re right... I didn’t do it. I tried every psychological treatment I could think of: cognitive therapy, scent therapy, herbal supplements, cerebral stimulation, showing her old pictures of herself, I had a colleague use his magic to try and jumpstart her basic neurological functions,” Whooves listed frantically. “... I even stooped so low as using hypnosis for godsake!”

“But nothing worked,” Jon added.

“No... and I was at my wits’ end. It was disheartening to know that after Dizzy’s death Derpy was prancing about in her own little world and I was going crazy trying to find a cure.” Whooves sighed, regretting his choice of words. With a grunt he collapsed forward, sending his head straight into the desk. “It seemed like she was fighting me at every turn so... I was beginning to think I’d never see her again.”

“But something had to have changed, right?” Jon assumed. “I mean you two eventually ran off together and now live a happy and simple life... what was the turning point?” Slowly, as if being revived, Whooves lifted his head upwards to address the host.

“A simple life.” Whooves chuckled under his breath. “That is what she always wanted.”

“Excuse me?” Jon asked. Ignoring him for the time being, he instead recounted Jon’s previous inquiry about what had changed.

“I still remember the day I realized that the Derpy I once knew was gone forever,” Whooves began. “It was a few months after the incident. At the time she was living with me and I spent most of my nights held up in my room trying to come up with new methods for which to try and help her... but one night she was awoken by a loud droning sound... not the sound of me hard at work with a new treatment therapy but by me sobbing uncontrollably in my room... I had hit my low point.”

“And this was the so-called turning point?” Jon asked. “What happened?”

“Like everything else, Jonathan; I will never forget,” Whooves began. “She came into my room to investigate and saw me hunched over my desk crying over a picture of her that I had taken years ago.”

As if a demon had possessed his body Whooves began to shift from right to left, sporting a different sounding accent in the process; a low and lame tone to represent Derpy and his usual posh voice to present himself. He then began to talk to himself, shifting between each accent.

“Mister? Why are you crying?”

“Oh... hello, Ditzy.”

“Ditzy? Who that is?”

“For the last time that’s you! Your name is Ditzy... DITZY!”

“Why are you crying, mister?”

“And again, my name is Whooves! Dr. Whooves! Please remember, why don’t you remember!?”

“Uuuum... remember what?”

“My... my na-- you know what... nevermind, just... just forget it!”

“Who’s that lady in the picture?”

“What?”

“That picture you haves... who's dat lady, she’s beautiful.”

“That’s… that’s you... this is a picture of... of... this... this is a picture of the most beautiful pony to ever exist, Ditzy Doo... my one true love who I promised one day to marry.”

“If you love her why are you crying?”

“I’m crying because... she left me.”

“W-why did she do that? Didn’t she love you too?”

“No, she did... I know she did but she left me... she left because she couldn't handle living in the world anymore and even though I don’t blame her... I just wish I could see her again.”

“Well... maybe you will someday.”

“No, she’s gone now. She’s gone and she’s never coming back. I’ll never see her again no matter how hard I try and... and... oh God, I think I’m going to puke again.”

“W-why!? Are you sick?”

“No... I’m just really, really sad right now.”

There was a moment of silence shared by all. Muffled whimpering could be heard from some audience members as other raised their hands to wipe away tears. Jon could only imagine what it’d be like to have a loved one so close and yet so far away.

“And then what happened?” Jon asked.

“Then... she did something that made me think... that perhaps, maybe... maybe things would be alright after all.” Whooves sniffled. “After hearing me out she took pity on me... in that moment she made me think that my Ditzy was still somewhere in there. After running down stairs to the kitchen she came back with a muffin that she had been saving... and gave it to me.”

The sentiment was simple yet Jon could tell how powerful it was. Again Whooves leaned to recount what happened.

“Wha-what is this?”

“It’s a muffin... whenever I was sad my Mama would make muffins to cheer me up.”

“You... you remember that!?”

“I don’t know where she is either. But I know she still loves me too! Before she left she made me this muffin for the very last time.”

“T-t-then... why are you giving it to me?”

“Because nice guys like you shouldn’t be sad.”

Some were hesitant about doing so but at that moment the crowd began to applaud the guest of the hour for having the courage to share with them such a painful moment of his life.

“So... what did that tell you?” Jon asked. “Did you still try and bring Ditzy back after that?”

“No... it was on that night that I was convinced that things weren’t ever going to be the way they used to be... and I came to the conclusion that that was okay... because a part of Ditzy was still inside of Derpy so even though she had changed that didn’t mean she was completely gone,” Whooves explained. “So from there I accepted her for who she now was... she was different but that wasn’t really a bad thing. On that day I lost Ditzy but I gained Derpy in her stead. From there I tried to live my life with her as she was and you know... it turned out pretty well.”

“So just like that?” Jon asked. “You went from losing your beloved one second and then gaining a new one the next?”

“It wasn’t easy Jonathan. I mean yes, at first it was awkward, knowing that this new pony was once my old love now foreign, but I learned that Derpy was charming and prolific in her own special way. It was like we had met for the first time all over again,” Whooves said. “I learned new things about her, and soon found that, although she had retconned her own psyche, there were still aspects of herself that remained... like the muffin example for instance. It was challenging at first, rebuilding our lives together from the ground up, but my love for her was unchanged and her love for me was rediscovered. Soon we renewed our promise to get married.”

“That’s... that’s so nice to hear, truly it is,” Jon said as the crowd began to applaud once more. “Good for you!”

“It may have been different but the way she cared about me and loved me was just the same as always. That part hadn't changed,” Whooves added.

“It sounds like you two... It really seems like you two at last found peace,” Jon said, feeling corny about the way he said it.

“Almost.” Whooves sighed. “Our lives would have continued perfectly but then... things went terribly wrong.”

“Wha-- again?” Jon asked. “What happened next!?”

“Not what,” Whooves said. “But rather who... Twilight.”