Diary Of An Earth Pony Stripper

THE JOB: Stage Assistant for a 'Great and Powerfully Sexy Magic Show' for an audience of one

THE PAY: Three-hundred and fifty bits

THE CLIENT: Trixie Lulamoon

--==[X]==--

Okay, confession time.

When I was a colt back on the farm, there was a point where we had a visit in town from a local circus act... and I loved it. I must've spent about two month's worth of my allowance on cotton candy and popcorn alone, and I rode every ride that would allow young colts to experience them. I laughed at the wandering clowns, and had a blast playing the carnival games and winning crap that I wouldn't even look twice at now.

But the BEST part? The magic show! The magician was a smooth and suave stallion who'd gone by 'Mister Miracle', and he was a simple Earth Pony - just like me! - who could do what seemed to be improbable and astounding magic tricks that left us all baffled: 'psychic' guessing games, vanishing/reappearing watches, and more card tricks than you'd see in a single night in Las Pegasus.

And I was there, fully engrossed in watching the stallion do feats of astounding incredulity that defied my little imagination; so young, so naive... and yet, so mystified and entertained by the sight of magic from a pony who had just as much of a horn as I did. It was a moment in time I'll take with me to my grave, and it always brought a grin to my muzz to think about it.

That's why, when I got the request to be an assistant in a 'Great And Powerfully Sexy Magic Show', I practically fell over myself to say yes. I stayed calm on the line, but inside I was filled with joy and excitement - I'd get to enjoy a magic show again... and this time, I'd be a PART of it! I could hardly wait!

After my initial excitement boiled down to a simmer, I managed to catch the bus to the part of town I was scheduled to perform in... I was gonna perform in a magic show! I know, I know; might not seem like much to you, but it was incredibly wonderful for me!

And, as I'm the one telling this story, you can keep your lackadasial opinions to yourself.

Arriving at the location, I found it to be in an older section of town; one I knew wasn't exactly the best part of Manehattan to be in, but it wasn't AWFUL like some of the other areas in this burg were - it was mostly just neglected. Buildings that could use a good pressure-washing, curbs that might benefit from some maintenence, so on and so forth.

The particular building I was scoping out happened to be an old theatre. The sight of it just made me even giddier at the thought of tonight's event; I'd be in a magic show on a legit stage! It'd be like I was a professional magic performer, and my audience would absolutely LOVE me, I was sure of it!

Hey... there ain't much that gets me THIS happy; so I was acting like I was a colt again, so what?

The theatre, though normally abandoned and closed down, looked like it might have seen a slight bit of cleaning - there was less garbage around it, and someone had shined the glass doors to at least a basic sense of clean. It didn't exactly seem like it was a professional job... more like something a couple of kids could have been paid to do.

Two stories... LOTS of Emergency Exits... and a functional fire escape. Okay, as far as making sure I had a way out, I was stellar; even if the building collapsed, I was sure there'd still be at least one way out left. Plus, the street was close, and the lampposts were all lit up in this section of town.

Rule Number Two was totally satisfied, so it seemed as if all I had to do now was await the presence of my client, who had arranged to meet me here at dusk. So, heading to the McDonkey's across the road, I took my time chowing down on a hayburger and some fries while I kept my eyes open for anything that looked like a magician.

As the day came around, my vigilance was rewarded with the sight of a Whinnybago motor home pulling into the back lot of the theatre. It was decorated with all sorts of stars, sparkles and even a large magic wand on either side - like vehicle Cutie Marks! Honestly, if that WASN'T my magical client, then I'd eat my speedos.

Making my way there, I was greeted by the sight of a shapely blue mare who was busily unloading crates from her camper. She looked rather cute, honestly... and even though Rule Number One was there for a reason, there were times I considered breaking it just a little bit.

Then I remembered the BITCH who tried to ruin my life... and I get over the urge pretty fucking quickly.

"Trixie, I presume?" I asked, hoping my somewhat sudden appearance didn't scare the mare.

She gave a sigh. "Yes, I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, huzzah," she said as she set down another crate, seemingly a bit heavy for her, "and you must be-"

Then she turned around and saw me... and her eyes went WIDE. "Buh," she said as she stared at me, those eyes drinking in the tall glass of stallion I was and making damn sure they didn't spill a single, solitary drop. She was transfixed in place as she just goggled over me.

Heh, that's right hon - get your fill.

After a moment, she blinked rapidly as she seemed to collect her head from whatever fantasy she'd been seeing in there. "S-so, YOU are Monty, then?" she said as she looked me up and down, "Well, it seems as if Trixie still knows how to pick 'em! I just went off what you put in your ad; I didn't think you... you were... were..."

I grinned. "You didn't think I was going to be THIS early, right?" Okay, I knew why she was twitterpated, but that didn't mean I couldn't have a little harmless fun myself. "It's okay - I always try to make sure everything's covered for a job, so I usually get there early to-"

"Yes, yes," she interrupted me, "now, if you don't mind, I have a number of crates in the back to bring inside; Trixie would much appreciate your help getting them in." Well... okay, nobody REALLY paid me to run at the mouth, so that was fair.

The blue mare handed me her keys and pointed to the Whinnybago. "You'll see the crates I'll need - they're marked with a four-pointed star; hurry along, now - Trixie doesn't want to keep her audience waiting forever!"

Right. So, as she made her way inside, I gathered the necessary crates and, one by one, managed to porter tham inside the theatre. Though it smelled a bit musty, it was a smell that spoke more of nostalgia than rot - and felt right at home with the idea of a magic show happening tonight.

I was SO STOKED to actually be a part of a magic show, and the colt inside me was absolutely thrilled at the prospect of being a magician's assistant, even if it was only for a single night. Sometimes in life, one night is all that could stand between yourself and your potential future...

Fuck it - even if nobody remembered my face, I'd still be having a Tartarus of a good time becoming like a pseudo-magician, even if nothing came of it besides the pay. It would possibly be an experience that I was going to remember for a very long time, and it was all I could do to keep from giggling giddily like a schoolfilly as I brought in crate after crate into the backstage area.

"So," I said as I brought in the final crate and sat it down carefully, "I take it this is some sort of chance for you to make it big, right? I mean, a single-soul audience - that sounds to me like some sort of big shot or executive who has their eyes on you for some sort of stardom or fame, right?"

Trixie gave a bit of a nervous chuckle. "Eh... w-well, she's a big shot to me, yes..." The magician started fidgeting a bit right then. "But no, it's not some executive or such... though Trixie wouldn't mind the attention..."

She shook herself out of what seemed to be the beginning of a sob story. EVERYONE has one of those, for the record - a tale about their past that garners sympathy from folks you wanted that sort of shit from. I even had my own... but we've had that convo already, so I'll spare the rehash.

"BUT... tonight, the Gr-r-r-r-r-reat and Powerful Tr-r-r-r-rixie will be performing for Starlight Glimmer SOLO!" She then gave a bit of a blush. "Well... almost solo, I guess - sorry. So, Mister, eh... Monty, was it? Mister Monty, how much do you know about Stage Magic?"

I gave a smug smirk. "Well, I can conjure a number of lovesick mares at the drop of my trou - but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count, right?"

Her response was a sardonic look.

"... yeah, so I actually don't know a lot about the mechanics of it, but I DO enjoy it quite a lot! It's a form of magic that ANYONE can do... but it takes a Master Magician to really make the stage shine!" I tried to cover my lame joke with a compliment, hoping that this mare was the kind who liked having their ego stroked.

The haughty grin she gave told me I was right on the money.

"HA HA HAAA! But of course! Any foal can operate a 'trick', but yet a Master Magician like Trixie makes it into a grand and glorious show! Be prepared, Mister Monty, as tonight will be..." she posed dramatically, "a night to remember!"

Oh, this was gonna be SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Once we got the crates unpacked, Trixie got busy with setting up while I mostly stuck nearby to lend a hand if necessary. Though she occasionally asked for assistance with little things, I had to admit that she had her routine for setup down pat; everything in its place, and a place for everything. She was an absolute professional, that much was certain.

And I have to admit I was amused that I kept catching the blue mare staring at my flanks; as I said, she was cute. Made me feel good that I could grab the attention of a great magician... and without pulling a single trick of my own, either.

As time got later, Trixie finally finished her setup and made her way over to me. "Now, we should discuss the tricks and what YOU have to do in order for them to go off without a hitch; I have a set idea of which tricks I'll be using - which I've modified a bit, to allow YOU to put on a bit of a show of your own..."

She then pointed a finger skyward and took on a serious expression. "But DON'T try to upstage Trixie - this show HAS to be perfect, and Trixie won't pay to be outshined by a stallion and his, uh... a-assets. Not tonight!" I had ZERO intention of doing so; no way was I going to even try to outdo a Stage Magician!

Even if I had an impressive wand of my own, heh.

"Now, as far as it goes, there'll only be a few things I have to go over with you to make sure you understand what to do tonight," the mare gave me a serious look, "so make sure you pay EXTRA close attention, okay - Trixie does not like to repeat herself."

I nodded, probably a bit more eagerly than I should have; I couldn't help it, as I was about to start learning the inside scoop on Stage Magic! From a professional! The colt in me gave a happy giggle, while the adult on the outside simply nodded and smiled. I could hardly wait to learn what the tricks actually were, and I-

"Ummm, Trixie?" a voice called out from the auditorium, "You in here? Oh, please tell me I got the right address..."

Trixie's head snapped towards the voice, and her eyes went wide. "She's already here!? B-b-but she wasn't due for another-... you know what? Never mind - this will be fine, just fine," she muttered under her breath as she turned and went to greet the... whoa...

The soft purple mare was actually pretty hot; long, shapely legs, pretty muzzle, a nice rack and what looked to be an ass you could grope all night long. She was a stunner, that much was certain - and from the way they hugged, she was also really good friends with the magician.

Wait - was she the audience of one?

"Glad you made it, Starlight," Trixie said as their embrace ended, "even if you DID get here a bit early."

Starlight lifted an eyebrow. "You told me to show up before six; it's before six. If you wanted me here later, you could've said so - I wouldn't have minded."

"Er... I did?" Trixie blinked a bit, then put on a sheepish grin, "Ah-ha-ha... o-of course I did! The Gr-r-r-r-reat and Powerful Tr-r-r-r-rixie is ALWAYS prepared for MAGIC!"

Starlight smiled and rolled her eyes; apparently, she was used to the dramatics. I kind of liked that; snark, but a sort of friendly, 'oh-that's-so-you' attitude. She seemed like she'd be kinda fun to hang out with... though, really, I wouldn't be able to resist hitting on her at least once or twice. I'm a nice guy - not a saint.

Trixie then turned and gestured to me. "And for tonight's show, the part of YOU will be played by Mister Monty, here," she said as she swept a hand in my direction. For my part, I gave a smile and wave to the unicorn mare, doing my best to play nice.

Starlight turned and took one look at me... and stared for a good minute. Oh, she had some interest, I could tell - something inside the mare apparently found me to be delicious, and she wanted a bite herself.

Trixie gave a bit of a smirk. "I take it this means you approve of Trixie's choice of assistants?"

"Uh... y-yeah," Starlight mumbled, then shook herself out of the hypnosis of my bod. "YEAH, uhhh... n-nice to meet you, Mister Monty!" She'd said it a bit too loud and a bit too forcefully for me to believe she was in full control of herself yet, but the poor babe was doing her best not to drool on herself over me. Which I appreciated.

"Yo," I said simply, trying for the laid-back approach; Rule Number One stood, but Starlight wasn't my client. Maybe I could pull off a magic trick of my own and cast a spell over the purple hottie, and have her appear in my bed tonight out of thin air? THAT would be a magic trick I'd cast every chance I could.

"Now, Starlight, go have a seat in the audience and prepare yourself..." the showmare smiled broadly, "for TONIGHT... you shall be honored to witness a magic show unlike any other! One that will dazzle your senses... as well as your libido..."

Starlight gave a small blush; OH, she was adorably hot like that!

"... as you witness The Gr-r-r-r-reat and Powerful Tr-r-r-r-rixie's Amazingly Sexy Magic Show of Delicious Desire!" she finished with a flourish, and her horn popped off a few, small fireworks around her head. Starlight gave her some light applause... and yeah, I did too. I mean, c'mon - the showmare was doing her thing, and she was pretty good at it.

As I watched, Starlight made her way down to the seating and parked herself at center stage, front row. The best seat in the house, most would say - and I'd kinda have to agree. Being up close and personal with the show was fun, as I'd discovered as a kid, because it allowed you to try to see the trick, even if you couldn't.

Because the only folks who preferred to sit in the front row were either critics or fans; it seemed as though both Starlight and myself fit squarely into the second category, and we were both showing signs of looking forward to seeing what the show had in store for us.

Wait. Hold up a minute.

"Uhh, Miss Trixie?" I asked softly, "Were you gonna explain what I was supposed to-"

"SHHH! Not now," she hushed me, "the show is about to begin! Get to the platform and put on the costume back there!"

Cos-... wait, costumes? I don't recall us discussing such a detail... but, fuck it, it was a magic show, so I guess there would be more to it than just going out there and shaking my groove thing while I helped with card tricks. Shrugging, I headed to the slightly raised platform at the left side of the stage, glancing around until I could find this costume she was-...

No. Dude, are you serious?

What I found was only a bowtie, a pair of dress cuffs and a tiny little scrap of fabric that was COVERED in silver sequins. It took a moment for me to register, but when I picked up the fabric, I nearly balked: it was a silver speedo. One that looked to be a bit small for the weight I was carrying, so to speak. Was I supposed to wear THIS for the whole performance?

Still... that old adage drifted through my brain - the show must go on - and I sighed as I began what would probably be an arduous task of getting the silver speedo on my hips and over my girth. And yeah, it WAS arduous, and I DID manage to get it over my dong... but just barely, and I could feel the fabric practically plastering my shaft to my loins - in fact, it was more than a bit tight, to be honest.

But, well... I had to admit, it matched what Trixie was wearing, and it DID make me look like one of those 'Chippentail' dancers from the girly calendars that some of my clients possessed. Made me feel kinda classy and such - and there's nothing wrong with that, I think.

So, doing my best to ignore the sensation of the fully-stretched fabric trying to choke my chicken (and NOT in a good way), I got myself onto the platform and stood there for a bit; frankly, I was afraid that if I sat down, the speedos would simply rip in half on the spot.

It was FOR THE MAGIC, so I stood there and endured, hoping beyond hope that Trixie would at least give me the quick rundown on what tricks lie in store for me - even if she did so right before each trick.

"TONIGHT," I heard the magician's voice call out in almost a Royal Canterlot volume, "YOU shall bear WITNESS to a most Gr-r-r-r-reat and POWERFUL stage show! For tonight, you shall enjoy sights and spells unknowable and incredible, and amidst the glorious magic, my hot and sexy assistant shall make CERTAIN you pay the utmost attention!"

From the look on Starlight's muzzle, she seemed to be used to the theatrical dramatics... and yet, she was still smiling and watching the proceedings with visible interest... and that interest included my own, humble self as well - at least, if the sight of her eyes repeatedly wandering to the sparkly speedo I was wearing was any indicator.

"And so, as we have quite a night prepared for you, we shall begin with something simple... that will ASTOUND you!" The blue mare made a flourish with her hands, and a deck of playing cards seemed to just appear in them, without even a flash from her horn. Internally, the colt in me gave a squee of delight - the show had started!

"For this trick, Trixie shall require you to choose a card, so that she might be able to display for you... The Naughty Knowledge Trick!" she flourished the cards with a quick riffle, then held them up and fanned them out, with the card faces pointed to the floor.

Starlight gave a smirk, then her horn lit up as a single card levitated from the fan. It zipped over to her, where she examined it thoroughly before looking up at Trixie with a grin. "Okay, got it!"

"Excellent! Now," she gestured with the fan still in her hands, "return it to the pile, and the Gr-r-r-r-reat and Powerful Tr-r-r-r-rixie shall ASTOUND and STUPEFY you by accurately revealing your card!"

The purple mare chuckled a bit to herself. "Trixie, I already KNOW this tri-"

"Never you mind that!" Trixie quickly interrupted, "just put the card back, Starlight! I put little twists on all sorts of stuff - can't you trust me to astound and stupefy you? At least for a minute?" The magician sounded a little petulant, but if this was her friend, then it was more likely to be good-natured teasing than anything else.

Starlight rolled her eyes in a playful manner, then floated the card back to the fan and re-inserted it randomly. Trixie then smiled, threw the entire deck into the air and her horn flashed - and the whole group of playing cards went up in a quick burst of flame! I ducked back instinctively from the flash of fire, but both mares simply gave a grin as it happened.

Then, Trixie gave a smile that told me she was fully in control here, and that was great news. She made a flourish with her wand, then pointed said wand at... my dick?

"From ash to life, bring forth the truth - prove the worth of Trixie's magic! BEHOOOOOOOLD!" she called out as she waved the wand in a grandiose fashion before she pointed it directly at...

Wait. The fuck was THAT sensation?

"Mister Monty, my gr-r-r-r-reat and powerfully sexy assistant, will now reveal the card to you, which will leave you wondering exactly how much Tr-r-r-r-rixie's magic can accomplish!" she said loudly, before lowering her voice and grumble-whispering to me: "Reach down the front of your bottoms..."

Curious, I did as I was told - though it was most certainly causing the exceedingly tight fabric there to stretch even further, which certainly wasn't helping my level of physical comfort any. But I had barely gotten even a fingertip in where I encountered...

HOLY FUCK - there was a CARD in here!

Trying my best not to give away how stupefied I was over this, I reached down and pulled the playing card from the speedo I was wearing, holding it out to be seen. Trixie smiled, gave a bit of a haughty laugh, then turned to Starlight. "And so - THIS is your car-"

"Nope," said Starlight, "it's not."

Trixie stopped, mid-sentence, and blinked. She turned and looked at the card, blinked again, then turned back to Starlight. "This... but, this is... it's..." She looked at the card again. "It's NOT?"

The card in question was a seven of clubs. It looked like an average playing card, and from as close as I was, I couldn't make out any markings of any kind that might reveal the card's identity to the magician... however, that didn't concern me as much as the thought of HOW THE FUCK DID THAT CARD END UP IN MY SPEEDOS!?

Because I promise you, as much of a struggle as they had been to put on, there was NO chance of a hidden compartment or anything. Shit, there was barely enough room for my balls; where would there be room for a playing card when it felt like these things were so tight, they were grafting into my skin! I was worried that one or two of the sequins might actually engage in melding themselves to my coat and flesh; granted, it might be a flashy treat for my customers, but I didn't want ANYTHING embedded in my flesh... I didn't even have piercings, for crying out loud!

"Well, that... er..." Trixie looked a bit embarrassed, and began to look around on the floor. "Great and Powerful Assistant! Help me check the floor!" She leaned down (flashing me a lovely view of her blue cleavage) and began to search the foor insistently... even though the stage only had a few particles of ash to search through.

Regardless, I tried to help; I even turned away from the purple hottie and began to look around at all the-

"HA!" Starlight called out, and I turned to see her pointing at me and giggling. What the...

As she was pointing at my ass, I hoped she wasn't making fun of me in these damned chokehold speedos - I was sure that my butt cheeks were sticking out, but NOT in a very sexy manner. I turned to glance back there... and found a playing card wedged between my cheeks!

I reached back and pulled it out, giving it a look - two of hearts. What was it doing in-

"THAT'S my card!" Starlight laughed, and Trixie, wearing a HUGE manure-eating grin, gave a bow with a flourish as her friend gave a light clap at the act's resolution.

Okay... look, I do NOT like being touched... but, essentially speaking, the magician never actually touched me. Still, the idea that something had been placed in my ass-crack and I hadn't even noticed - combined with the mysterious wrong card in my crotch - was starting to make me worry. Granted, I'd keep going because the show must go on... but having random shit placed on me without my knowledge... OR permission... was a bit disconcerting.

It's all a part of the show, I reminded myself - which did help. I mean, it was Stage Magic; did I really expect the expected?

There were a few more simple card tricks, but all of them were rather tame - though it did give me the chance to pose and strut a bit. And, for what it was worth, the purple unicorn most certainly seemed to have an interest in watching my performance.

Trixie, for what it was worth, was certainly doing her best to entertain an audience of one; were they really such close friends? I mean, I had some friends of my own, yeah - but I don't think any of 'em would have put together a magic show for little ol' me.

And aside from that, Trixie's outfit was... somewhat distracting. She wore the voluminous cloak and hat with moons and stars all over them for the stage show, yeah... but the sequin-coated one piece she wore beneath that lended a number of nice views of the mare's bust and backside - both of which were quite a nice sight to see - and was practically a second skin, though probably nowhere NEAR as tight as these damned speedos.

But was she THAT obsessed over getting the stage show right that she was dressing up like that for a show meant for a single audience member? It didn't make sense...

Anyhoo, after a total of five simple card tricks, she went backstage and brought out a prop box that was covered in moons and stars - her theme, I took it - and presented it with a flourish. "Behold! The Box of Infinite Mystery! What lies within it's unknowable depths? Well, TONIGHT - there will be this hunky stallion!"

What.

That box might have been big enough for me to curl up in... IF I was wearing normal clothing. This bloodflow-choking bastard on my hips would either cut off ALL the veins to my lower body, or it would rip clean in half if I even so much as TRIED to sit down in it, much less curl up and allow it the box's lid to close.

But, well shit... the show must go on, right?

With a sigh, I looked at Trixie, and she gave me that smile that said 'get in the fucking box'. So, even with the knowledge that my thighs were going to go numb rather quickly, I did as I was instructed and stepped into the box. I then proceeded to stand there, looking a little petulant while Trixie smiled a thanks to me.

"The box is a magic all its own," she replied, "as I shall now demonstrate; with my assistant ensconced safely inside, there will be NO way he could ever be harmed!" Starlight lifted an eyebrow; this must've been a new one. "And so - we begin!"

Turning for face away from her friend, she began to busy herself with the box. "When you get inside," she whispered to me, "there's a latch at the bottom - just flip it and climb down into the hollow under the stage. Wait for me to open the box, then you can stand up. Got it? Good! Get going!"

"Wait, how-" was all I got out before Trixie turned back to face her audience and started talking up the trick. Okay, well... I guess it wouldn't be so bad, if there was a way for me to be safe. Cautiously, I squatted down into the box, having to turn on my side to fit completely within it enough to close the lid.

FUCKING SHIT. It felt like those speedos were trying to pop my balls like pimples! My nutfruit was squeezed so tightly, I'm sure I was mere seconds from being milked by the fuckin' things! It was REALLY painful, though I stifled my groan of agony as I began seeking out this 'latch' Trixie had mentioned.

From outside, Trixie closed the lid on me and continued to speak. "And now, witness as the Box of Infinite Mystery uses it's magic to PROTECT the stallion inside... as I run these razor-sharp sabers through the sides!"

Night of the WHAT!? Oh fuck, where was that fucking latch!? My hands now scrambled along the bottom of the box, seeking desperately for the latch that would allow me to be out of the way of these sabers she was going to put through here! I DID NOT WANT TO BE A LIVING FUCKING SCABBARD!

Behind me, my hand found a small lever, and I sighed in relief as I tripped it. The bottom clicked open as quiet as a mouse fart, and I let out a sigh of relief as I worked my body down into the hole in the stage.

Now, let me take a moment to explain that MOST magicians made their gear themselves, so that they could use exact measurements in their work. This way, they used every bit of available space for setups and extras that would normally take a lot more work to keep handy. Because of this, many tricks were tailored to the ones who frequently did them.

Which, as Trixie was a petite mare, meant that in the course of lowering myself into the hole... I got stuck.

My body had made it perfectly into the hole... but my head was still stuck in the box. Not only that, but from where I was seated, there were ZERO options as to what to do; there wasn't enough room for me below to curl up to bring my head down into safety, and I couldn't stand up with the lid closed!

That, plus the idea that the show must go on, kept me from speaking up - but I was now officially sweating bullets. My life might be in danger, for fuck's sake! Shouldn't THAT warrant a need to stop this before it got bloody?

However, at that exact moment in my train of thought, something slid across the back of my head, lightly brushing my mane to the side as it ground into place. OH SHIT! She'd already started!

"Will he live? Will he die? We shall find out for ourselves, shortly!" Trixie's voice was loud enough to reach my ears, and she sounded as if she were getting into 'The Zone', and there was NO WAY I wanted to be responsible for ruining her stage show... but MY LIFE was a bit more important than-

Another sliding noise, and I saw what looked like a blade, coming right for my muzzle! I couldn't duck, I couldn't dodge - I WAS GONNA DIE IN THIS DAMNED THING-

"Ow," I said as it poked me in the forehead... which was when I discovered that these 'blades' were actually made of cheap balsa wood, and weren't sharp at all - they were being placed into the box through barely-there slots that allowed for prop swords like these to go through. Which meant I was NOT about to be cut to ribbons! Oh, THANK CELESTIA...

"Ow," I repeated as the fake sword poked at my head again, this time a bit more insistently. Breathing a sigh of relief that my client wasn't FUCKING PSYCHOPATHIC, I tilted my head to the left, where the wooden blade passed harmlessly next to my temple and out through the opposing slot.

Of course, NOW I was in a bit of an uncomfortable situation... and, as I watched, ANOTHER fake blade began to wiggle its way towards my head. I leaned back a bit, and it passed under my chin and out through the other side like it's sibling. Now, I had to hold my head at a weird angle to keep those blades from pressing into my skin; they may not have cut, but there was always the chance for splinters.

Another blade poked through. And another, and another, and at least six more. By the time the blades stopped coming through the box walls, my head was in such an awkward position that I could feel my neck cramping up quickly. I also had a section of wooden blade in my mouth - and NO, I wasn't happy about it.

"Behold! By all rights, this stallion could and should be deceased, run through with sabers sharper than an alicorn's horn!" Yeah, right - at best, they were about as sharp as a wet noodle... but they WERE stiff enough to hold my head in a position that would have been naturally impossible without the forced 'help' of the other blades holding it in place.

"And yet - HE LIVES! Allow the Gr-r-r-r-reat and Powerful Tr-r-r-r-r-rixie to remove these blades, and ASTOUND you with how the box has protected him from even the lightest form of harm!" Yeah, except for trying to make my neck play an unplanned game of Twister!

One by one, each fake saber was slid back out, releasing my head little by little from the stilted and uncomfortable position it was in; when the last one slid out (to my utter relief), I managed to clamber my body back into the box and pull the latch into place just as she lifted the lid.

Trixie made a flourish towards me and the box, grinning with confidence that the trick was an utter success. "And so, my assistant - stand up and PROVE the box's power!"

I stood up slowly, as my legs were tingling with pins and needles after having to kneel in these damn ball-huggers for the past few minutes. Stage Magic was fun... but I had no idea it could be this sort of painful, too. But I was willing to chalk that up to 'chaos' and let it go - especially as I'd dealt with the entity known as 'Discord' once before, and had personally seen what Chaos Magic was capable of.

Starlight smiled and gave an appreciative clap, and I felt inclined to take a bow for my singular audience... and had to hold my bow only a fraction of the way, as those speedos stretched tightly enough that I could swear the mares around me could tell I was circumcised!

Okay - card tricks, box trick... what was next? Frankly, though I was still somewhat excited to be a part of this magic show... I was beginning to get a few apprehensions as to what this show would further foist onto me; maybe I had to take a look at Rule Number Three again and decide if an act like this would require a bit more of an investment...

Now, she brought out TWO large, standing boxes that were bedecked with her thematic moons and stars. They were tall boxes, which meant that I would probably be stepping into at least one of them shortly. I saw no 'slots' on the sides, so I figured it was safe to assume that there wouldn't be any 'sabers' this time; quite a relief.

"And now, observe as I, the Gr-r-r-r-reat and Powerful Tr-r-r-r-rixie, endeavor to defy the modern tenets of magic, and transport my hunky assistant," okay, it felt good to be noticed, "from one side of this stage to the other - and NOPONY will be able to tell how the MAGIC works!"

Oh? Teleporting without teleporting? This would be interesting... though the idea that I was going to have to DO the trick with no prior knowledge was a bit daunting. But, just like the box had been, I was... er, mostly certain that this would turn out well.

Opening the leftmost crate, she gestured into it with a sweep of her arm that made her bust bounce nicely. Let me tell you, if there was some kind of trick where I could possibly get BOTH of these beautiful mares to go home with me tonight, I'd change professions in half a hoofbeat... but, Rule Number One, blah blah blah.

Giving Starlight one of my patented disarming smiles, I stepped into the crate. Before closing the door, Trixie gave another stage whisper: "All you have to do is keep your arms at your sides and fall into place..."

Fall into place? Hold up, what-

She closed the door, and I could feel a little shiver of worry work its' way up my spinal column; falling into ANYTHING didn't exactly bolster my spirits, and her warning made me begin to wonder WHY I needed to keep my arms in place. Stage shows notwithstanding, I wasn't keen on the idea that I'd be falling into... well, SOMEthing. Yet another reason to be a bit hesitant.

Regardless, I could hear Trixie continuing her act. "Now, with a simple shuffle of boxes, there will be MAGIC occurring right before your very eyes!"

"Trixie... magic happens before my eyes every day; I'm a unicorn, you know," I heard the purple mare reply.

Heh, I liked the snark in her; she was spunky, and would probably be fun to hang out with as well as in the sack. And with jubblies like hers, I'd be more than happy to offer a chance to chill with me later. Maybe at my place. A nice rom-com or something. Maybe some booze, maybe not. Perhaps a massage, even - I was pretty accomplished with my hands, and I'd have loved to put those on that luscious, curvy-

HOLY FUCKSTICK, THE CRATE WAS LIFTING UP!

It was weird and disorienting when you had next-to-no sight, and yet felt yourself go airborne. I assumed this was that shuffling she'd mentioned for the trick, but nobody had said a damned thing about levitation. Granted, it was a staple of Magic Acts, but the assistant usually had some sort of heads-up BEFORE things like this happened!

Now, I felt myself being floated around, and I heard the occasional >whack< or >thunk< as the two boxes apparently kept colliding with each other during their shuffle. If all I was going to do was get banged around (NOT in a good way) like this, then may-

When the floor of the crate suddenly dropped open, it was all I could do to keep myself from crying out in surprise; sure enough, I fell into the other box just as the lid closed on top of it.

Now, as a living, breathing being, I have to admit that I had a few reflex reactions that I simply couldn't control - and one of them was gripping the sides of the crate I'd been in when I started to fall. The upshot of such was that, instead of falling straight in, I fell in a little bit sideways...

And now, inside the second crate, I found myself almost muzzle-to-muzzle with my own crotch. No, I wasn't folded COMPLETELY in half... but it felt like I was, and my back groaned in protest, even as it felt like those cursed speedos were trying to slice me in half as they strained to stay together.

The crate continued to float around a little more, lending me nothing but more pain as my weight wedged me further and further down into the horribly uncomfortable box. When they were sat down again, a gave a very soft, light groan as I slid down another inch, my butt hovering over the floor as my feet were pointed at the roof.

I swear, I will NEVER fold my bit-bills again - not if this is what it felt like to be inside a wallet.

"Behold!" Trixie's voice came to me through the wooden walls, "This box is now - EMPTY! But where did my great and powerfully sexy assistant go?"

Into a Tartarus that can barely be described, I thought to myself, quit the showboating and get me OUT of here!

"The other box! Check the other box!" Starlight called out with a laugh.

"Starlight!" Trixie sounded a bit put-out, "I'm getting to it! Be patient!"

My... thighs... were... going... to... SNAP...

She cleared her throat and continued. "And so! As the mystical magics have been conscripted for this amazing task..."

FUCK, my LEGS! My BACK! MY POOR FUCKING COCK WAS SUFFOCATING!!!

"... they are now ready to reveal the fate of our incredible assistant! And where else would he be, but-"

The door to the box opened, and I fell out unceremoniously onto my face. Admittedly, I didn't think such an old theatre floor would taste so piney after being unused for so long; then again, maybe she had it polished and waxed for the show?

Realizing I was still on stage as part of an act, the colt in me grabbed hold of my motor skills and leapt up into a standing position, where I held out my arms and gave a huge smile as I loudly pronounced, "TA-DA-DAAAAAAA!"

Starlight's eyes bugged out, and after a moment, so did Trixie's... as, in the precarious position I'd been in, coupled with the extremely tight speedo had engaged my circulatory system into a state where a portion of my blood had ended up trapped within my center as I was folded in half...

Or, in more basic terms, I had a RAGER of a hard-on - and miraculously, it was juuuuuust hard enough to make the speedo into an extremely tight tent at the front. A tent pole that was pointed right at Starlight Glimmer... and trust me, she was taking QUITE a bit of notice of that.

Trixie was too... but there was something on her muzz that looked... irritated? Frustrated? I wasn't sure what it was, but I guessed that I'd embarrassed her in front of her friend, and on stage of all things; even though I was trying to display nothing but happy expressions, I felt kinda bad that I might have been inadvertently ruining her show.

Starlight took a moment before she clapped... though even that sounded distracted, as it was light and off-beat clapping that she produced as her eyes stayed glued to my barely-restrained shaft, with a look on her face that said she was getting a few ideas as to where she wanted that pillar to go.

Trixie, undaunted, gave a slight hmmph as she stood again and tried her best to recover from the, er, 'surprise guest' in the glittery fabric. Yeah, she gave it a few looks as well... but I somehow got the feeling those glances were more out of annoyance than appreciation.

She stood and gave a flourish that gathered Starlight's attention from my shaft. "NOW, for your entertainment, we have... uhhhh..."

Wait... what was she doing? Didn't she have all her tricks ready in a specific order? Her hesitation made that little 'trouble' nerve in the back of my head tingle - the consequences were slowly getting more and more concerning for me, as the only assistant for this show. Part of me was beginning to think that, before I finished this show, I'd be injured... or possibly worse.

I was starting to think that Trixie wasn't exactly a professional, after all; could it be possible that, underneath the glitter and glamour of the magic business, Trixie might have just been someone who sought to elevate their own status by using others to make her look good - and she might have also been the kind who would have gotten along swimmingly with Domino Fortune.

"... h-have a SPECIAL TREAT for you tonight, as the Gr-r-r-r-reat and Powerful Tr-r-r-r-rixie puts forth one of the most daring stunts ever to be performed on a stage such as this!" Her voice reasserted dominance, and the unsurety left her as completely as it could; she sounded revitalized, as if she'd gotten her second wind... or had come up with something at the last second.

That last option had me worried.

Now, she dashed backstage as I stood there; Starlight and I looked after her, then looked at each other and shrugged. Neither one of us had any idea what was going to happen here, and all we could do was wait. I looked over at her again, admiring the many curves her figure was sporting, and gave a slight shrug.

"Liking the show so far?" I asked nonchalantly; no reason I couldn't make some small talk during this 'intermission', and maybe it would help the babe's intentions swing over to my side of the fence... the side that led to my bedroom, then to my bed, then to pure bliss.

She gave a half-hearted shrug again, then smiled. "Eh, I've seen a lot of her tricks - but seeing them with someone like YOU is kinda nice." Her muzz threw me a soft grin with partially-lidded eyes that said she was being a little flirty... and I loved the possibilities that sent through my own mind. I could probably kiss those beautiful boobs all day long... and a good portion of the night, too.

Oh, I really hoped I could score with her - a body like that would be SO NICE to caress, kiss, and fuck the dogshit out of. I mean, seriously - I still hadn't really had much chance to make up for the 'kirin fiasco' at V's rave, and this was starting to look like the PRIMO chance to score some points with a beautiful babe... and the fact that she was known to be a pupil of Twilight Sparkle meant that possibly word of this would get back to the virginal alicorn and make her blush...

DAMN, but Princess Twilight was so cute when she was aroused... though honestly, even though giving an adorkable mare a few pleasant dreams wasn't quite in the same realm as getting the chance to knock a hot, curvy mare's womb around a bit. I hoped Miss Glimmer was convincing herself to ask me out, because I would be so very pleased to share the pleasure of sexual gratification between the two of us. Maybe even let HER have the lion's share of the pleasure... so that later on, she'd feel the want to do so for me in tur-

"BEHOLLLLLLLD!" Trixie's bellow was loud enough to approach Royal Canterlot Voice levels as she came from backstage pushing what looked like... dammit, not another box!

This one was more ornate and showy than her previous boxes... but a box is a box, all the same. And after the experiences I'd already had in the boxes I'd dealt with today, there was no fucking way I was getting into anoth-

"And now, the Gr-r-r-reat and Powerful Tr-r-r-r-rixie shall demonstrate her mastery over death itself by surviving the Cabinet of Calamity! She will place herself in the box and, with the help of her sexy assistant, she will endure the Flames of Desire long enough to burn - and yet, she shall be UNTOUCHED!"

... oh. Well, that was alright, then.

She lifted the lid and gestured for me to move closer. When I did, she spoke softly enough to make sure she wasn't overheard. "When Trixie knocks three times, use the sparker to start the fire - the box is alrady prepared, so just light it and get back, okay? Good - now DON'T UPSTAGE ME!"

That said, she turned and gave a low bow to her audience of one (DAMN, but that was a nice ass) and climbed into the box, pointing at the latches before shutting the lid. As a good assistant, I made sure to secure the latches tightly before picking up the weird little wire-thingy that I assumed was the 'sparkler' or some shit.

It was simple enough to figure out once I squeezed the handle, so with it in hand, I turned and posed on the box as I wiggled my eyebrows at Starlight, making her both giggle and smile in a manner that said she was probably considering what position we were gonna try first when she got in the sack with me tonight.

Oh, I HAD to work that angle!

I put my hands on the crate and, using that hip motion I was so good at, I started rolling those agile hips of mine against the cabinet as I locked my eyes onto hers. I could see the effect I was getting as her pupils widened, her breathing picked up, and she squirmed in her seat a bit; it reminded me of Princess Twilight, but being her student, that didn't surprise me much... though the purple mare's act of licking her lips was certainly not the action of an adorkable virgin.

I was so into keeping her attention that I almost missed the knock from inside the box. I brought the spark-doodad up and squeezed the handle, holding it towards the box to ignite the little flames it would probably-

The moment the very first sparks touched the side of the box, the entire thing burst into flame!

Had she been soaking this thing in fucking kerosene!? It went up like flash paper, and the instant heat sent me reeling back from it as it burned merrily in front of us both. Starlight was still seated, but even she sat forward when the box lit up, completely breaking eye contact with me in concern for her friend.

Just before I ran to grab a fire extinguisher, the box teetered and collapsed, falling in on itself into a heap of smouldering, charred wood... with not a single trace of the Great and Powerful Trixie inside. As we both stared, wide-eyed, the box from the saber trick suddenly popped open, and up stood-...

Wow.

Trixie was standing there with her arms spread wide in a dramatic gesture, but instead of the sequin-lined one piece she'd been wearing, she was now clad in a skimpy little g-string bikini that shone with silver glitter, and her amazing body was now pretty much on full display - and there was very little left to the imagination.

Dammit, Rule Number One - why do you have to exist!?

Starlight started clapping rather eagerly; apparently, this trick HAD been a new one to her, and she approved of it completely. Trixie, for what it was worth, gave Starlight a broad smile and a low bow - right in front of me.

OH, DAT ASS...

Why did I still feel heat, though? I mean, she was HOT, but that didn't mean literally... why would... ow... OW... OW!?

I glanced down at my loins, where the heat was coming from... and saw that the fucking sequins on the speedos were actually fucking BURNING! I was on fire, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT!? Did some of the fuel for the fire get on my crotch when I was dry-humping the fucking box!? HOLY SHIT!

Trixie turned when I gave a gasp, and both her and Starlight's eyes went wide as they saw the flames on my dick - and of the two, the magician reacted instantly, with a flash of her horn - and just like that, the heat was gone. But now, there was a bit of a breeze... so I looked down to see what was going on, as well as to make sure the merchandise wasn't damaged.

My rigid column was at full attention and completely in the free and open air... except for the very tip, which was covered by a small, pink teacup.

No damage to the 'Big Boss' or the 'Flunkies', but there were highly visible lines from where the strangling speedos had pulled their tightest on me. I saw the revelation of my moneymaker, then looked up at Starlight and gave my best and biggest goofy grin.

"Abracadabra!" I said, which sent the purple mare into hysterics as she started laughing her (fine) ass off, having to hold onto the seat behind her to keep from falling over. Apparently, my gift of wit had served me well yet again... and, as it was well known, guys that made mares laugh usually ended up in the sack with them.

Then, I slid my eyes sideways to see how my client was handling... the, uh... i-issue...

The Great and Powerful Trixie was glaring at me... and there were tears standing in her eyes. She looked to be a combination of pissed off and miserable, and I couldn't understand why... until I thought about it as I looked at her...

The show being SO important. The line about her 'not minding the attention'. The tiny bikini she was wearing. All together, it made perfect sense to me now:

The Great and Powerful Trixie had a great and powerful crush on Starlight Glimmer.

She wasn't mad because the show wasn't going well; she was mad because, even after her requests, I was still stealing the show - and Starlight - from her. Fuck, NOW I felt like a heel - here she was, trying to let her friend know she had an interest in her, and all her sexy attention was on the hired gun, so to speak.

And now, with Doctor Dongus swinging free, she probably felt like she had a foal's chance in Tartarus for the purple unicorn to even consider a roll in the hay with the magician. Shit, the way Starlight was staring at it, she might not wait to get home first before trying to enjoy it - she may have been making plans for she and I to meet in the parking lot!

Trixie's expression quickly fixed itself before Starlight caught it, and she gave a frustrated sigh as she faced her audience of one and gave a short, curt bow. "Thank you for attending the show...I hope you enjoyed yourself," she said, her voice petulant as she turned and stormed off backstage, while Starlight made her way over to where I was.

Those eyes were practically glued to my nethers as she got close, and her smile was broad and sultry as she leaned on the stage itself, giving me a grandiose view of The Promised Land Valley between the Purple Mountains.

"Not bad for a magic assistant," she said with a soft chuckle, "though I think maybe you and I could practice a few tricks ourselves, you know what I mean?"

FUCK, she was hot to trot!

"So, if you're not doing anything later..." she ended her question with a lift of her eyebrow. All it would take would be even the slightest hint of my approval, and this fine-flanked filly would be all over me; I could see it in her eyes that she was already trying to prepare herself mentally for taking a monster like mine into a pussy like hers.

I sighed. Why was it never easy?

"Look, miss," I started, "as much as I'd like to do all sorts of delicious, nasty and occasionally illegal things to your magnificent bod... I'm..." Oh, fuck me blue. "... gonna have to decline, babe."

Her expression went from lusty to understandably confused. "But... I don't-"

"In case you didn't notice," I went on, "your friend over there was pretty much throwing herself at you in a bid to get your attention. And to have a magician put together a sexy show for 'just a friend' doesn't seem right to me; seems like there could be something more there that you're not seeing... something that, if you continue NOT to see it, is gonna do nothing but bring your friend shame and sadness."

She blinked - this news obviously shocked her. "Wha-, bu-, I... Trixie? You're saying she... she thinks of me as..."

Wow, clueless much? Of course, I couldn't exactly say very much on that end; after all, it had taken getting a teacup on my dong for ME to realize it... so, maybe I wouldn't exactly say that to her right now.

"Whatever it is she thinks of you as, you two should talk about it." I nodded my head towards the backstage area. "Whether you are or aren't interested, that mare's been kinda excited to show this off to you... and miss? Not to sound like I'm being condescending or any shit like that, but you've kinda been paying more attention to me than her... and she kinda knows it."

Okay, yeah - I'm sure it wouldn't exactly be easy for me to pay attention to very much if, for example, Starlight popped her lovely tits out of her top and tried engaging in conversation with me; I was ready to easily forgive the same from a mare who was literally within reaching distance of my unclothed member.

Well, mostly unclothed; the teacup was still there - did it count as clothing, though?

Starlight's muzzle grew a look that said she was most certainly contemplating what I'd told her; it wasn't clear if she thought Trixie was good as JUST a friend, or if she was actually contemplating a bit of 'squish & tickle' with the magician herself. Granted, I could feel me kicking myself internally - she'd been ready to swallow me whole, I was SURE of it - but, underneath the cynical bastard I was, there lived a sweet little colt who still believed in magic... and the power of real love.

And that colt was making fucking puppy-dog eyes at me.

"Go on, right now," I encouraged her even as my libido was screaming obscenities at me in my noggin, "and have a little chat with her. Someone like that, willing to go to such lengths as hiring a stripper to hide the fact she was flirting with you... someone like that IS a true, true friend... and possibly more, if you're up for it. Talk to her."

Starlight Glimmer, pupil of Princess Twilight Sparkle and headmare of Twilight's Friendship Academy, put on a serious look, gave me a nod and made her way backstage in the direction Trixie had walked off in. Whichever way it was going to go, I still had to say that tonight might have been irksome and maybe even a tad dangerous...

But it was STILL magical... and even if I was gonna have to have a one night stand with my own right hand, the colt in me was singing happily and skipping alongside my adult self, thanking him profusely for being a 'good guy'. And even if it didn't get me laid, I could still look myself in the mirror when I went home.

FUCK, I needed a win.

--==[X]==--

"It really means a lot to Trixie," the blue mare said softly, "that you said what you did to Starlight."

Standing in the back alleyway, I was dressed again. Trixie had her moon-and-stars cloak wrapped around her, and she looked adorable (and kinda hot) with the humble, embarrassed look on her muzz. She and Starlight had spent quite some time talking privately, and there had seemed to be a hopeful look to the magician as she met with me afterward.

Starlight had already left, but she'd stopped by long enough to thank me as well; I might have been entertaining the idea that she might hook up with her friend, then they'd both give me a call... but, as far as Life usually went, I know there was very little chance that I'd ever be so lucky.

"And here I'd thought that you were trying to pick up Starlight," she blushed, "which was why I got so jealous. Trixie-... er, I apologize, Mister Monty, for not being clearer about tonight's intentions."

I shook my head. "Hindsight's always 20-20, miss... besides, I was just glad I got to be in a magic show; been a dream of mine since I was a colt. So thanks for that." I then cleared my throat. "Now, about that payment..."

Trixie's eyes went W-I-D-E. "Uhhhhh... ummmmm... eh, M-Mister Monty, uhm... I, ah..."

Oh no. Oh FUCK no. She wouldn't... after what I did for her, she fucking WOULDN'T...

"It seems that, er... Trixie didn't exactly calculate in ALL the costs for tonight, um..." she fidgeted, the look on her face slowly morphing into a sheepish smile, "... between the props, the cleanup that Trixie paid for a-and the theatre... well, er..."

"Are you saying," I said, slowly and somewhat menacingly, "that you spent so much on this show that you can't afford to PAY me?" Oh, this night just went from bittersweet to FUCKING SHIT.

"Ahh..." The mare took the hat off her head, reached into it and produced a woefully small handful five-bit notes. She held them out to me with an extremely apologetic look on her muzz. "Er... ta-da?"

"Oh, you fucking-" was all I got out of my mouth before she made a quick gesture and >POOF< - a big-ass cloud of smoke suddenly appeared out of nowhere and blinded me! By the time I was able to see anything, all I caught was the tail end of a star-and-moon laden cloak vanishing around the corner.

I stared after her, dumbfounded that she would have the fucking GALL to stiff me like this after I ruined my own chances at balling her hopeful-marefriend so she could have her moment to confess her love or some shit like that! THE FUCKING NERVE!

I gave a great gust of a sigh and turned to storm off to the bus station, jamming my hands into my pockets as I-...

...

... stopped where I was, and the look of anger slowly melted from my features as I realized that Fate had thrown me a bone, after all.

Turning, I walked calmly over to the Whinnybago as I pulled her keys from my pocket and slid behind the wheel. It started up as pretty as you please, and I put it into drive and made my way out onto the road.

I didn't have to KEEP the damned thing... I only had to hold onto it until I got my proper pay for the night I'd had to go through. It sounded perfectly fair to me, and I actually gave a snarky grin as I drove off towards my apartment.

Rule Number Five, bitchboots.

--==[X]==--

TOTAL PAY: 35 Bits + 315 Bits (Later Settlement)

AFTERMATH: Glimmer-induced blueballs, speedo avoidance, some driving practice and the realization that Stage Magic is for the birds

WOULD REPEAT CUSTOMER?: NO. FUCKING. WAY.