Long Forgotten Memories

Perhaps some of you will humor an old pony.

It has been apparent since I first logged on to ponynet, not so long ago, that more than a few ponies know little to nothing about depression. Even more have a misunderstanding on what someone who’s suicidal goes through. Though I doubt many ponies will read this, I feel it is important that I at least try to help correct this.

Having the blues or being depressed for a short time is normal for everypony. Perhaps your friends have kept secrets from you and this made you sad? Perhaps you messed up on a task everypony else thinks is easy? Maybe you got yelled at for something that wasn’t your fault or was an accident. You feel bad for a while and then, a little later, you move on.

Being depressed from time to time is normal. Having depression is something completely different. It is a long term/chronic disease. A depressed pony is not thinking normally - they react to events differently. Events that might cause a regular pony to just feel down or upset can cause a pony with depression to spiral into depths unknown of self loathing. Some days are better than others, but over time the entire experience destroys a pony. It eats you from the inside out. Makes you think things that aren’t true.

The result… the result is a pony that lives under a rain cloud. No, that is wrong. A raincloud does not suffocate. A raincloud does not color every action with fear or sadness. A raincloud does not drain the energy from you, making the prospect of just getting out of bed a torturous action. A raincloud doesn’t convince you that you just want to be alone. That it’s better to be by yourself, ruminating in your own thoughts. You’re a burden. No one cares, anyway.

Don’t let anypony know that you’re depressed, because that would just cause them to worry about you. Don’t tell anypony about the feelings you have, they won’t understand and it’s obvious that they have more important things on their mind. You are the most useless, Celestia-damned pony to ever exist and you will never, ever, do anything right. Fuck you, you waste of space. Equestria is better without you.

How do I know this? The thoughts above? Those are mine. They replay again and again and again. Sometimes, even now. Every mistake is a tragedy. Every missed opportunity is the end of your life. Friends and family only put up with you because they have to. You are an embarrassment. A mistake. A failure. A burden. That no matter what you do or how hard you try you will never be good enough for anything or anyone.

When I first met Candlelight, I tried so very hard to make her like me. I was funny and cute and please just anything so you’ll take me from my daily hell at the orphanage. She did, eventually, but not until I did something so incredibly stupid.

Like depression, suicide is misunderstood by most ponies. Suicide is a terrible thing and any pony contemplating ending everything isn’t making an ‘easy’ decision. It is almost never considered lightly or quickly, though head traumas can cause forms of insanity where suicide is the end result. In the case of depression, it is the accumulation of months or years of torment, both internal and external.

My torment at the orphanage was daily, through the bullies that abused me and my own internalized hatred for myself. Candlelight had been worried about me for some time. She kept trying to tell me “Everything would be all right.” To just try to hang on, there’s always tomorrow. That she loved me and I was a wonderful colt. As I look back on it now, I think she was trying to adopt me at the time.

I’d come up with a plan. I’d managed to steal, in small amounts over time, a bunch of medicines and herbs. I don’t even know what half of it was. I’d heard from some of the older colts that a pony could overdose and die if they took enough. I hid my collection from everyone. I didn’t want anyone to know what I had in mind.

One day, I accepted my plan as the only logical course of action. This made me cry. I sobbed uncontrollably for hours, a typhoon of emotions frothing in my head. Sadness, joy, anger, frustration, pleasure, release. I thought about all the things I wanted to do with my life and, one by one, let them go. I let Candlelight go. I let Ferris go. I let my few friends at the orphanage go. I let my parents go. I don’t know about now, but suicide was considered a mortal sin back in those days. I would never see my parents in the green pastures.

And that. That was ok. It felt like a mountain of rubble had been lifted from my small shoulders. I didn’t know the when or where, but nothing anyone could do to me mattered anymore. I would be free soon.

I was happy! I smiled! I laughed! For the first time in months, I actually laughed. Not just kindof laughed or fake laughed. Really laughed. And that, above all, should have worried everypony. When somepony who has struggled with long-term depression or a mental illness suddenly makes a sustained 180 in terms of their mood and outlook, it often means that pony has made their decision. It’s damn near like waiting for your favorite holiday or your birthday. There’s a present waiting for you! Nothing else matters!

It was spring. One day, not long after I’d made my decision, my tormentors came to pay me a visit. Something I’d done had made them look ‘bad.’ I don’t remember much of the beating. I only remember how I came around to deciding that, yes, this would be the day. I didn’t fight. I just waited for it to be over.

When I was alone, I snuck to the place I hid my collection. Heh, I was so scared. Just because I’d made my choice didn’t make the prospect of death any easier. But what was a single death compared to looking forward to a lifetime of pain and suffering? My hooves shook as I took the medicines. Ate the bitter herbs. Some of them made me gag, so I had to take them with water.

I made my way back to my cot and pulled out the nature book Candlelight had given me. Equestria is so beautiful. I flipped through and admired the pictures. Mountains so high they touched the clouds. Forests so dense you couldn’t distinguish one tree from another. The moon smiling down on the world amidst a starry sky. I think the last picture I remember seeing before I fell asleep was a beautiful sunsets over a rolling ocean. The water looked like it was on fire.

The next few days are a blur. I don’t remember the doctors pumping my stomach. Or forcing magical ingredients down my throat. I have whispers of dreams. Candlelight lay a hoof to comfort me. Some faces from the orphanage. Ferris. It was days later that I fully came to.

Heh. I put more of myself out there than I expected I would.

Depression is nothing so simple as unhappiness. It is a pony’s mind on the offensive against itself. Though there is often some external stimuli to kick things off, there doesn’t have to be. By their very nature, Depression and Suicide are not things anypony can handle by themselves. The game is rigged, from the beginning. It’s not fair. It’s not even something family or friends can handle. Regardless of their good intentions, they do not having the training necessary to help a pony in this battle.

A trained and licensed psychiatrist is best. They will be able to determine the causes of the depression. To give a pony options in the ways their depression can be treated. Certain herbs and magic can quiet the mind. Therapy, especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, can give a pony the tools necessary to defuse the sickness at its root. With work, some ponies can be mostly cured of their depressive symptoms.

If a pony is suicidal, the best thing anypony can do is provide them with help immediately. A pony who’s decided, really decided, to take their own life will not tell you. In general, they won’t make a big deal out of it. To them, it’s just one more thing to do. At this point, they should be classified as insane (they are not thinking normally). You cannot fix them. You cannot help them by yourself. Get help immediately.

Any pony that announces their intentions to commit suicide is begging for help. They are at the edge and know of no other way to ask. Again, they need help. It is not acceptable to antagonize them with “If you were serious, you’d have done it.” They will.

If you are suicidal, there are so many options available to you. I implore you to contact your local suicide prevention hotline. If the internet is more your thing, please look up http://www.reddit.com/r/suicidewatch

I’ve never asked my followers to reblog anything of mine, but if you can, please do so now. Perhaps my story will help make a difference in somepony’s life.

-W

((And yes, this happened. I’ve changed almost all of the details to fit this rp character, but the core is true. The attempt was mine.))

Author's Note: This was posted in response to several Tumblr users running into problems with depression and attempting suicide. I wanted to share my own experiences and help how I could.