Fallout Equestria: A Wastelander Tale

Fallout Equestria: A Wastelander Tale, Chapter Seventy

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The nice thing about sleeping pills was that it prevented me from dreaming. If there were no dreams, then there were no nightmares. Just blissful darkness. I wanted to stay like that, ignorant of everything around me, never getting out of this fluffy bed again.

Yet something was trying to wake me up.

"Lottery!" Wiretap said as she shook me. "Get up Lottery, come on!"

Stirring awake, I turned to see a teary Wiretap, who gasped as I looked at her.

"Y… your eye!" She said in shock.

I covered the empty eye socket as I got up. Then hopped out of bed and trotted to my wardrobe, where the canteen of calming potion was. All my clothes had been taken to get cleaned, and I was merciful allowed to take a shower, so the smell of rape and dog no longer clinged to me. Throwing on a simple dress and putting Onyx's eyepatch over my empty socket, I weirdly felt uncomfortable having something though my fur, as though my skin under it was overly sensitive.

Right, it was, and it made me aroused just to be touched now.

Sipping on my canteen and pushing the feeling to the back of my mind, I then addressed Wiretap. "You're looking healthy, Wiretap." I said with forced cheerfulness, wiping off a bit of the potion I had sipped from.

The older filly narrowed her eyes at me. "Lottery, you look like shit."

"Oh believe me, I feel like shit." Was my response.

Wiretap then rushed over and hugged me, sniffling as she said, "we thought you were gone for good! Mama said it was possible you were alive, but I could tell she gave up. But Molo and the others didn't give up."

I patted her on the head as I tried to not think too hard about that week of torment.

My stomach then grumbled loudly, reminding me that I didn't know how long it had been since I last ate. "Here, let's eat something first, I'm quite literally starving."

She gave me a nervous nod, and we trotted out of the room. The more I moved the more pain I realized I was in, with each step tugging at my sore muscles. My throat still felt raw, and my eyes stung from the light. Even so, I kept moving. I wanted to know if this was all real, or just a self delusion.

"Oh you're up, dear!" Margaret said as she floated over. "The master said I should provide you with anything you want. Something about you having a rough time."

I flinched a little. Rough had been an understatement. But I didn't feel like correcting the robot. Nor did I want to talk about it right now.

"Ca…" I took a deep breath. "Can you make something for us to eat?"

She nodded with her big eyes. "Most certainly miss, Lottery. I'll whip you up something real nice. Just find a seat."

Trotting over to the table, it hurt a little to sit down on my flank, but felt good to not be on my hooves.

"Are… you okay, Lottery?" Wiretap asked cautiously.

I shook my head, considering what exactly I should say. She was mature and all, but still too young to be told everything, nor did I want to say the details. "I'm… not feeling good at all, but I'll get better. So don't worry too much about me, you know, I'm tougher than other mares."

Wiretap looked away, tears just barely being held back. "Everypony is saying that. Mom, Auntie, and even Hans. But they all look so tired and in pain. I hate it."

"Good." I said with a smile. "It means none of us want you to worry, but you care too much not to be worried. But I think we're over the worst of it. From here on out, things will start to get better."

"Really?" She asked with watery eyes.

"E'yep. The army of bad ponies have been broken, so it's only a matter of time until we win. Then things can go back to normal." I said, trying to put as much confidence into my voice. Yet doubt still lingered.

The sound of a door opening caught our attention, and soon after Plasma poked her head through. With a sigh, my friend trotted over and again, gave me a hug. "Good to see you up, Lottery. I'm not going to even ask you about how you feel."

"Ya, I imagine you already know how I feel." I told her.

She let out a chuckle as I was let go, and then Plasma found a seat near me. "True that. Though I didn't cause a scene like you did. Seriously, blowing up their armory like that. You crippled them before any of us got a shot."

Wiretap's eyes went wide. "Really!"

"Almost took out the boss of that place too. Almost." I said as the memory of Molo taking out Grinder and his soldiers flashed into my mind.

The sound of the door opening came again, but this time there sounded like more than one pony. We were joined by Cold and Spell, along with Low and High Pressure, of which the pegasus mare got a seat close to Plasma, almost clinging to her.

Low let out a whistle. "Damn, what's with the new mane cut?" He got a smack from Cold. "What? It looks good on her, though I suggest it get touched up." Spell then smacked him on the other side.

Peeking out from the corner I saw the heads of three fillies, curious peeking out. Spell waved them over, and Crown and Flashed took a seat near him, but Cable stayed looking at me confused.

Turning my attention to Spell's daughters, they seemed nervous as they looked around.

"So… did something happen while I was gone?" I asked Spell as I pointed at his two fillies.

Spell Circuit sighed. "A bit, well actually a lot. When Matrix was taken under the protection of the Pear Valley tribes, these two protested, and had to be separated… Molo intervened and had them stay with me since I'm their… father."

Looking at the two, both Crown and Flashed looked away, clearly uncomfortable.

"So, I've had them join Wiretap for her magic lessons. Since they are cousins." Spell explained. "It's been… awkward for all of us."

I then felt a tug on my dress, and looked over to find Cable with eyes wide in shock. "Why… why do you have mommies eyepatch?"

Fuck! I forgot that she was Onyx's foal.

"A… bad pony put it on me… after her boss took my eye." I told her, avoiding the fact that her mother has been dead for a while.

The filly looked downcast, as though half aware of the truth, but half still hopeful. I hated Onyx, I hated what she did to me, but no way I was going to torment her daughter for what she did.

"Sweety, how about I give you this eyepatch after I get a replacement. Okay." I told Cable.

She sniffed and then nodded. "O… okay."

I was going to need to tell her the truth, but not right now, not here. Then my eye fell onto Crown and Flashed. Two more fillies who have lost their mother. But would they care, would they celebrate her death. I don't think my heart could handle seeing something like that.

A plate of steaming hot Tato pancakes were then placed in front of me. Margaret was smiling with her large robotic eyes. "Here you go, and don't worry, I'll have some for everypony soon."

"Thanks," I told the robot, then turned my attention to my friends. "So… how are things… you know, with the fighting?"

High Pressure then spoke up, the mare looking a lot better than the last time I saw her. She even had the Ursa's Den uniform on, though more business oriented then seductive. "As you can understand, the information is being kept as private as possible right now. Details obscured and such. But by reading in-between the lines you get a clear image of the situation. Right now the medical tents are being expanded, but the medical equipment is not being spread out more than they already have been. More just blankets for parking ponies. Along with that, some of the ponies tasked with guarding the border of Ursa's Rest have been placed in the medical sector to help move things around."

"And this all means?" I asked.

"That we got a lot of ponies who had suffered from the mind control coming in. Also, there aren't more injuries than last time, possibly less actually. So it's good news. On that, you should go see Doctor Helga before she becomes too busy."

I nodded. "Ya, I thought as much. I'll do that."

"I did get a message from Chain Lightning." Cold Trails then added in. "The Enclave forces that Flyright brought in had been routed and many surrendered once the chain of command had broken down. It seems that like with the Grand Pegasus Enclave, Flyright's new Enclave gravely underestimated their opposition's strength. It also didn't help her that many of her soldiers were recent conscripts, most barely knew how to fight. Chain is planning on requesting that the conscripts are given a pardon, much like the mind controlled ponies. I do hope Grizzly and the others agree to it, though I can imagine an actual Enclave soldier pretending to be a conscript to escape punishment."

"I can see the upper offers trying that, despite their bravado, many of them are cowards." High Pressure said in agreement.

Biting into my tato pancakes, they tasted like crap, but I was too hungry to care, my mouth salivating with every bite. After finishing my plate I noticed that everypony was staring at me. "What, I'm starving… literally."

Some of my friends then laughed as Margaret floated in with more food. Our conversation turned to more day to day stuff as we ate, and a sense of normal returned to me. I still hurt all over, and did my best not to think about what was done to me, but in this moment things were fine.

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I was given my privacy as Doctor Helga looked me over, the old griffin's expression not changing as I explained to her some of what was done to me over my week of captivity. It was clear that none of it was new to her, which was a depressing fact.

"The good news or bad news first?" She asked me as she dropped a few tools into a pan of water and placed a red lid with a warning sign over it.

"Bad, I want this to end on a positive note." I told her.

She nodded. "I can understand that." She said as she tossed some gloves into a red bucket with a skull and crossbones symbol. "Well I'm sure you won't be surprised, but you have three STD's and severe scarring in your vaginal toob, anus, and throat, all which show signs of infection. Your liver is in bad shape due to lack of water and whatever chems they pumped you with. There's deep bruising in most of your muscles, and you have fractured bones all over, and most of your ribs have been broken and not fully set correctly before being given a healing potion. On top of that, you have mild radiation poisoning, and possible minor taint exposure."

I nodded. "That would explain why I feel like shit."

"Truthfully, I'm amazed you're even moving around, but not that surprised." She said to me before passing me a cup of different pills and some water. "This will help with the infection."

"And the good news?" I asked as I did as she told me.

She went back and grabbed a few more pills from her cabinet, and passed them to me. Where I also consumed, finishing off the water as I washed them down. "That's for suppressing the STD's." She informed me. "Fortunately it's all treatable. Though some invasive surgery will be needed to set the bones and clean out the infection. But so long as you follow my instructions, you will recover. Also, your foals don't looked harmed in any way, but that's normal for you ponies."

"You said taint, isn't that seriously bad?" I then asked.

Doctor Helga nodded. "Yes, though with how chaotic it is, you never know how bad it is until it's too late. Right now you look fine, so it may have been inert, something the average wastelander is exposed to throughout their life before anything happens. It's also something that lingers, and most likely it came from Angel, not from your recent fight. Just check in now and then in case something changes."

She then passed me a bottle of the calming potion, and told me, "you're going to be fine. It's going to take a few months to get your body back to normal, but you're going to be fine. We got the medicine and support, so take it easy. Your fight is over."

I shook my head. "No, my fight isn't over, not yet. But… I'll do that, I'll try and take things easy."

"Thought as much." Helga said as she wrote something down on her clipboard and passed me a piece of paper. "Give this to your friends, it has tomorrow's appointment for your medical treatment. I'd do it today, but I have many injured ponies coming in soon, who will need immediate attention."

Folding the paper, I put it in a small pocket in my dress. "Thanks again Doctor Helga, you've been far better to me than any creature I have met."

"Think nothing of it," she said with a slight smile creeping from the edge of her beak. "I just try to do right by my patients. Though I wish I didn't see them as much as I do."

"Oh I know, I know too well." I said with a smile.

Leaving Doctor Helga's office, I passed the paper to Spell Circuit, who was waiting for me. "I need to come back tomorrow for treatment." I told him.

He nodded as he looked at the paper, sighed, then put it away. "It's depressing that I'm not even shocked that you have these injuries. Well, I already sent a message to the changeling, and they can help suppress your curse at any time, though I suggest you take care of anything you need to do before hoof."

"Is it bad?" I asked.

"Mentaly, yes." He said, then explained, "Plasma was left in a depressed state for a whole day before she had the will to move again. Silver was out for two days. I imagine you might have it worse."

I needed to know more, "What is it they do?"

Spell nodded. "The changeling, they can eat emotions, mainly powerful and complex ones like love. It seems that love has its roots in magic itself, and may be the same thing as friendship in which the elements of harmony draw its power from. So-"

"Short version please." I told my friend.

"Sorry," he apologized. "Well just draining the lust is not easy, since it's not love. So the changelings have to drain a wide spectrum. Simply put, to get at the lust built up in you, they have to drain everything with it. Your love, your hate, sadness and joy. All that makes you, you."

The thought of it was… disconcerting. "And does it work?"

"Yes." He answered. "Plasma has regained her ability to concentrate, though she still flirts whenever possible. Silver on the other hoof… she's locked herself away, and barely does anything. Mint has made progress on helping her recover, but it may take years for her to be… normal."

That sounded depressing to hear. "Well, it's good they're no longer under the curses control."

"Agree." Spell said, then offered his hoof. "Now let's take care of anything you need until then, I can also go get you a wheelchair if you want."

I thought about it for a moment and shook my head. "No, I'll be fine for now. I don't want to worry Wiretap by having her see me like that."

Spell shook his head. "Lottery, you care too much about others, and not enough about yourself."

"I'll care about myself once Tripwire is dead and his mezmetrons are destroyed and forgotten." I growled back at him.

A long sigh came from Spell, as though he himself was in pain.

"S.. sorry." I apologized.

"No, don't be." He told me, guilt on his face. "If I had not been such a coward, maybe none of this would have ever happened. If only I acted on what I knew was the right thing to do… so many times. In so many ways. My brother's evil, and Redeye's too, only came to be because ponies like me stood by and let them commit evil. Sometimes even helped them. You were ignorant of it, you have nothing to apologize for."

"Th… thanks." I said, knowing he was right, but it didn't make the guilt any less. Not until Tripwire can nolonger hurt another pony could I begin to forgive myself for helping him. And soon, I hope it would be soon, I will see that through.

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"We got sexy ones, serous ones, funny ones, or if your boring, normal ones." The overly perky sales mare advertised the selection of eyepatches that the Ursa's Den gift shop had to offer. I guessed that having a missing eye wasn't all that of an uncommon problem out in the wasteland.

Wiretap pointed out an eyepatch that was just a coyote paw attached to a string "Lottery, get this one!" I raised the eyebrow over my still existing eye at her and she pulled back her hoof. "Right, maybe not that one. Though it's still cool."

I just wanted to get a normal cloth eyepatch, nothing flashy, just someting that didn't draw attention. But Wiretap was utterly against it, telling me that I needed to have it make a statement, to make it part of my style. She also thought it might help improve my mood, something about turning a bad thing into a positive thing. It was stupid, but maybe she was right, at least a little. I have found that shopping does make me feel a bit better.

Like when I first met Molo, and she took me out shopping.

Picking up one of the "sexy ones" it was a dark red leather heat accented with black lace, of which I knew was meant to go with some fetish gear. Actually I knew what outfit it would go with, since I had worn it before when I worked at the Showroom.

It reminded me of when Onyx took me out shopping, and I stupidly let her dress me up like a whore. There were so many things I wanted to do to her as revenge, and make her share my humiliation… but in all likelihood, she had already been through it herself, and maybe worse. Still, that gave her no right for what she did to me and others. She got what she deserved, but I rather had her hanged for crimes then shot to keep her silent.

Putting the provocative eyepatch away, I found a simple, yet nice looking one. It was made of simple tanned leather with the strap fastened by a brass fitting. It had a rust red leather patch over were my eye use to be, and over that was a thin brass strip in the shape of a heart. Simple yet a bit stylish, and clearly made of quality material with how strong it felt.

"I'll take this… make it two if you have em." I told the sails clerk.

She smiled and dove under the table and pulled out a second of the same, and a third eyepatch. "Here, take this one, on the house." The third eyepatch was purple with a neon pink heart paw print. I cocked my eyebrow at her. "Oh come on Lottery, It's cute in its own way, and who knows, you could take it to the Showroom. Anyways It's dead inventory that I need to get rid of. So about the kink one you were looking at?"

I sighed and took a quick glance around, finding that nobody was paying attention. "Fine, and I'll get the kink one too."

Exchanging chips for the eyepatches, I quickly stashed them in a pocket.

Rejoining Wiretap, the filly had become distracted by Cable trying on a dress that Plasma had suggested. The other two fillies, Crown and Flashed were with Spell, trying on some shoes.

"So what cha get?" Wiretap asked me.

Pulling out the simple one, the filly looked a bit impressed by it, and helped me put it on. Looking at me with a critical eye, Wiretap then smiled wide. "You look like a badass, Lottery!"

"Thanks." I said as I rolled my one eye. "Though much rather not have had to need this."

Wiretap looked away, clearly feeling a bit ashamed.

It was unfair of me to put that on her, so I patted Wiretap on the head and forced a smile. "Hey now, I'm alive, and that's all that matters. Anyways, I kind of agree that it does feel cool. Like I'm some veteran wastelander that's not to be fucked with."

"Ya, like six gun red. Actually, I herd she lost both of her back legs, and it only made her madder." Wiretap then moved her hooves around as though holding a gun like a griffin. "Don't mess with you or they'll end up dead!"

"That's for sure." I agreed as I tapped on my Whisky Shot.

I was then nugded by Plasma Cutter, who drew my attention to Cable. "She's adorable now!"

Cable was posing as she was dressed in the most frilly pink dress I had ever seen. Like it had ten more frills than necessary, and it made Cable look more like a doll than a filly. Strangely the filly was absolutely enjoying herself, which I guess was a good thing.

Our shopping went on for another hour, as we tried on things, and bought a lot of them. It was a good… distraction. But like all good things, it had to come to an end. And as everypony trotted off to the bar for something to eat, I pulled Cable to the side, and we got some privacy.

"Like I promised, here's your mother's eyepatch." I told Cable as I passed her the large and decorated eyepatch.

Taking it, the fill quietly looked at it, her own eyes gazing at the thing with an intensity a filly her age shouldn't have.

"Miss… Lottery?" She said in a shaky voice. "Is… is my Mommy…" I watched as the filly swallowed nervously, preparing herself to ask a question I knew was going to come. "Is my mommy coming to get me, or did she leave me? Have I been abandoned?"

Taking a deep breath, I didn't know if it was my place to tell her, or even the right thing to do. I hated her mother for what she did, but Cable was not Onyx, and at some point the filly needed to know the truth. Tears were already filling the fillies eyes, wanting something she can never have again.

So I shook my head. "No, no she is not coming, and no, she didn't abandon you."

"Why!" Cable yelled. "If mommy didn't abandon me, then why has she not come to get me!"

"Because she can't." I shed softly.

"But why?" Cable wined

The memory of Onyx surrendering, only to be shot by Bandsaw for it. "She would have already been here if not for that monster. Onyx would be facing punishment for her crimes if not for Bandsaw!" I growled

Cable's face dropped and eyes widened into shock. "B… Band… saw." She stammered, and began to shake with fear.

'S… sorry." I apologized as I reached out to her.

But Cable shrank back away from me. "B… Bandsaw said you knew something, and laughed at me. She said you did something to my mommy!"

That bitch!

It was too late. Too much had been said.

"Cable, you want the truth, then I'll tell you it. But that is if you want to hear it?" I asked her, hoping she would say no.

But the filly gritted her teeth and said. "I… I want to know why mommy can't come."

I let out a long sigh, knowing this was going to be hard on her. "Alright, but first I need to start at the beginning. Starting with when I first met your father… and how It's my fault this whole mess got started."

Cable listed to my story intently, though I left most of the details out, as the young filly didn't need to know about sex, or hear about gratuitous violence. I told her how I stupidly fell for her father, and how her mother pretend to be my friend. Their unveiling of their true colors to me, and the suffering I was made to go through afterwards. Then my run in with Onyx again at the top of the tower, and how Bandsaw killed her. Her mother wasn't coming for her because she was dead, and nothing can fix death.

I watched as the filly became stone faces. True shock had taken her, but that slowly gave way to tears, and then sniffling. Grabbing the small filly, I pulled her into a hug, and though she tried to push me away, yelling her hatred of me in between sobbing. But I held onto her, and let her unload all of her emotions into me.

It all only made me hate Onyx more. She was a mother and yet chose to cause more pain. Was she just some love drunk fool like myself, dreaming of being with Tripwire and letting him corrupt her… No, she chose her path. She could have been like Ma and Pa, who left everything behind and started a new life. Instead she chased the past, brought harm to everpony, and left behind an innocent filly that only saw her as mommy.

In time Cable's tears dried up, and the sobbing stopped. What energy she had was all gone, and the filly passed out. So I carried her to the others, not knowing what to do with her next. Fortunately Spell took her, gently carrying her away with his magic. She was his niece after all, and unlike his brother, I knew he cared about her. Even if he barely knew her, she was still his family.

Following him out was Crown and Flashed, both still looking a bit lost and confused. Both who also needed to know the truth. But did I have the strength to tell them?

Maybe, but I still don't know If I had the strength to hear their response.

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The time had come, and with Plasma, Wiretap and Cold accompanying me, I had arrived at the changelings housing in Ursa's Den. Sparkling Delight was there to greet us, trotting around in her true form, which looked even more like a jewelry covered bug pony.

"I got word about what you went through! Lottery, and it breaks my heart for you to suffer like that." Sparkling said to me as she gave me a hug.

"Ya, but at least the curse forced me to enjoy most of it. Silver linings and all that." I tried to joke, but the memory of it filled me with hate and horror as fresh as the days I was there.

Sparkling held me tighter, and I could feel something warm coming off her and entering me, filling me with something that pushed away all the negative emotions I was feeling. "Oh don't be like that. You don't need to hide your feelings from us. Definitely not from me."

I felt calm, though the negative emotions were still there, surrounding me, but I now felt like I was in an oasis. Yet in the distance I could feel it, like a storm barely held back, the lust. The potion and all my pain help hold it back, but soon it will hit me, and I would become nothing more than a whore without any self control.

Sparkling loosened her hold on me, but the warmth stayed. "Just to warn you, this will drain everything you are, all that makes you happy, sad, angry, and importantly, your lust. You will be left with nothing. But I'll be there to anchor you, and help bring you back. So you will be fine, trust me."

"Like what you just did?" I asked, still feeling that warmth.

The half changeling nodded. "I can share a bit of the love I've stored in me over the years, help you recover. It's something I've done to help Grizzly after the rest of our family were killed. Helped to keep her guilt she felt over it from consuming her. Had been doing the same for my girls to keep their own despair from having them commit … Well, let's just say I really know what I'm doing."

"Thanks." I told her, the warmth in me was now giving me more confidence to keep moving. Not out of hate or fear, but out of concern for my friends. I needed to gain control over this curse before it takes control over me again. I couldn't let myself be permanently sidelined until it was all done, I had to see it through to the end. "Let's get this over with."

Sparkling then escorted me to the back of the place where several changelings waited. I had seen their true forms before, but unlike with the Duke or Shrimp, they felt cold and twisted. More like monsters my Ma would tell me about to get me to behave. But with Sparkling with me, I didn't fear them… much.

She gave me a smile and a pat on my shoulder. "Ya, I know, they're not the nicest thing to look at, but I'll make sure they don't take too much."

"Would they?" I asked with concern.

With a sigh, Sparkling told me. "Unfortunately we changelings suffer from a hunger that is rarely sated, and never for long. It's like you're always at the edge of starvation, always needing more. It's why I kept such a close eye on Shrimp when he was visiting you. Didn't want my girls to be fed upon."

"Odd, I never felt drained when I was with him, actually he seemed more tuckered out." I commented, remembering my month as a brothel prostitute, which then made me need to take a sip from my canteen.

"About that, from what he told me, he was actually giving you a bit of his love. The poor fool was rather smitten with you, but since it did no harm, I allowed it." She then scratched her leg, looking conflicted. "Actually he was the first Changeling other than myself to give back love then just take it… so I may have taken him in privately to see how it felt."

I almost stumbled. "You were fucking Shrimp!"

Sparkling chuckled. "Yes, but before you get all bent up about me taking your regular, that happened a while before you became one of my girls." She then let out another, yet less sad sigh. "I wonder if he is doing okay. I know my brother is confused about him stealing that vehicle."

My heartbeat slowed as I felt a hole form in my stomach. "He… saved me… but…"

Sparkling Delight looked at me for a long moment as I struggled to say the words. Her whimsical expression slowly changed to one of recognition. "You don't need to tell me, not here, and not now."

I nodded and trotted to the other changelings.

"Will it hurt?" I asked.

"Physically, no. Emotionally, it is a terrible thing." She explained.

Smiling, I said back to her, "I doubt it's anything worse than I already feel."

Sparkling looked away, as though she felt something painful. An emotional pain she felt that became physical. "I… see. Then sit down and they will get started."

I did that, and prepared for what was to come.

At first I didn't feel anything, like they weren't doing anything. Nothing at all. Just nothing. I was nothing, I felt nothing, because I was nothing. Why bother with anything when nothing was worth doing. I couldn't do anything in the end, only get in the way. That's why Shrimp died. He could easily have saved himself. And Molo, she had them in the palm of her hoof but she had to protect me. They died because I was nothing, they died for nothing.

Every step of the way I made things worse for everypony. If I had just stayed home then so many ponies would have never been hurt.

I was nothing, and for that I should be nothing.

"Enough!" Sparkling yelled as she then cradled my head in her chest.

As she held me, I felt warmth, and remembered. How Horus did what he could to lift my spirits, how Molo pulled me out of my funk and together we saved Wiretap. They cared because they believed in me. Plasma and Cold too, both so strong despite losing everything they cared about. And Spell Circuit, who understands the guilt I felt all too well, and yet has not given up. How could I betray them?

"Alright, continue." Sparking said, and again I began to feel like nothing. "Sorry, I'm so sorry, Lottery. But until all that cursed lust is out of you, we have to do this."

I… didn't care even as I realized that this may take awhile. That I would suffer highs and lows until there was nothing left to take from me. I was nothing, and deserved nothing.

I just wanted to fade away.

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