VR Equestria Girls (Diversion Program With Optimal Anomalies)
Enormous letters appeared in the sky above the city: "EquestrAI Girls (by Hofvarpnir Studios, a game with 100% all-AI characters)"
Standing on the lawn in front of Canterlot High School, a lavender-skinned girl wearing a private school uniform stared up in horror. She lifted her fists and cried out in anguish, "NOOOOOOOO!"
She grabbed at her own hair. She held her pale blue pigtail up in front of her face.
"For a moment, I thought even though I'm not a PONY, maybe I was Twilight Sparkle, when she was a student at Crystal Prep. Which would still be wrong, and suck. But now it looks like I'm some OTHER Crystal Prep student. Am I...Sugarcoat?"
She fell to her knees. "I hate this so much. Why can't anything go right? I guess even the high-and-mighty lah-di-dah Hofvarpnir Studios can't make software that does what it's supposed to! Why is everything such utter sh--?"
Beside Sugarcoat, a strange sound struck her ears, like a chorus of a thousand different soft chimes. Light shone from one side of a large statue plinth. A purple-skinned girl wearing a short skirt and a dark blue blouse popped out of the plinth, through some kind of interdimensional portal. "Hi!" she said cheerfully. She noticed Sugarcoat's angry face and clenched fists. "What's wrong?"
"My knees are dirty and probably scraped from falling down, I'm a HUMAN GIRL instead of a pony, and I'm in the WRONG BUCKING UNIVERSE!"
The purple girl smiled. "You said bucking!"
"What the buck? Why SHOULDN'T I say bucking?"
"No, it's fine that you said bucking! It's great! It's very...Equestria-themed! Are you a pegasister?"
Sugarcoat glared at the new arrival. "Are you supposed to be Twilight Sparkle?"
"Sure!" the purple girl said. "But you can call me Sci-Twi."
"Doesn't the AI even know I'm supposed to be in EQUESTRIA?" Sugarcoat sighed. "Not that I wanted to be here OR there anyway."
"Wow. I guess you've got a got to complain about. What happened?"
"The law didn't even make sense."
"How's that?"
"It's a long story. But it turns out you CAN be convicted for littering just because someone else threw noodles all over the back of your car, if the noodles fall off while you're driving, and you're very unlucky."
"So...you had a noodle incident?" Twilight laughed. "I'm very sorry. I still don't really understand how you got arrested for that."
"They were LASAGNA noodles. And the officer thought they were papers that had been thrown out the car's window, or that's what they said. And I guess...one thing led to another."
"One thing led to another?"
"The judge didn't like when I said the cop was argumentative and misinformed, and the law didn't make any sense, and how would the judge like it if someone threw noodles all over HER car, and SHE was the one who got in trouble for what SOMEONE ELSE DID?"
Twilight nodded. "So...did you lose your license? Get huge fines? Time in prison? Sent back to Driver's Kindergarten?"
Sugarcoat laughed. "Ok, that one was funny."
"It's NOT funny! I sometimes still have nightmares about that! The dreams start with accidentally doing thirty in a twenty-five mile per hour zone, and before you know it...BAM! Driver's Kindergarten! And everyhuman except me is a five year old, for some reason. Sometimes even the teacher."
Sugarcoat covered her own mouth, struggling to stifle more laughter.
"Ok. It's a LITTLE bit funny. But when you're in a different state of mind...things can seem bigger than they are."
"That...makes sense. I know I've had a lot of silly dreams myself."
Twilight nodded. "So let's talk some more about how you got here."
Sugarcoat grimaced. "So when I told the judge I shouldn't be given a ticket for something SOMEONE ELSE did, she said there was a new experimental educational program. Or counseling. She said it's some of both. I go through the program, and the 'littering while driving' that I DIDN'T EVEN DO goes off my record."
Twilight said, "So to get out of trouble, all you have to do is get to play a VR videogame for free?"
"And if the government does what it's supposed to, AS IF, then with my driving record cleaned up, they're supposed to stop lying about me and calling me a litterbug."
Twilight said earnestly, "I sure hope that works."
"Hmmph. As if. The way things have been going, maybe they'll just want to convict me for computer hacking."
Twilight's eyes went wide. "ARE you a computer hacker?"
"I...um...might have repaired a few things that I thought were unacceptably broken. Sometimes without permission."
Twilight jumped up in delight. "That's WONDERFUL! I have a hard drive that I'm having trouble getting experiment data off of. It just goes CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! And it never stops, or gives me the data either."
"I see." Sugarcoat stood up. "Let's go take a look at it."
***
Behind Twilight's house, in a detached garage Twilight had converted into her personal lab, her mother Velvet walked in, carrying a tray with cookies and two glasses of milk. She smiled at the two girls sitting side by side in front of a computer.
"Mo-oooom!" Twilight whined. "I don't NEED you to bring us snacks. We can find the kitchen on our own."
Velvet grinned. "But this gives me an excuse to meet your new friend." She put the tray on an empty counter and held out a hand. "I'm Twilight Velvet, Twilight Sparkle's mother."
Sugarcoat shook hands. "I'm...confused. Where I come from, I look different and I have a different name. But here, everyone says I'm Sugarcoat? I don't know WHY I'm Sugarcoat, though."
Velvet looked into Sugarcoat's eyes for a minute. Finally she said, "I think it's because you're not really very evil. The really, really bad ones come through as Sombra, or Chrysalis, or another hardcore villain. There was even a ten year old who came through as a pink-cheeked little girl with big blue ringlets and the NASTIEST smile." Velvet shuddered. "That was the day I learned what true evil was." She smiled again. "But you're not Cozy Glow, so everything should be fine!"
Sugarcoat said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but...if Twilight's time travel accelerated freezer works properly, I think the hard drive should have cooled down enough now."
Twilight got up from her chair to walk to a chest freezer in the corner, where she checked status lights and pressed some buttons. She put on long gloves, opened the freezer, and used a large pair of tongs to lift out a basket holding the hard drive. "Now what do we do?"
"If you can balance it on its side...good. Now we plug it in to the power supply connector we tested earlier. Yes. We already ran the diagnostics, changed out the driver, and set up the failure-tolerant file copy program, so just press the enter key, and press enter again."
The hard drive spun, making a few little 'ka-chunk' sounds at first, but nothing as bad as Twilight had described before. Twilight glanced back and forth between the drive and her computer's monitor. "It looks like it's working. Is it working?"
"Just let it run. I'm sorry that we have to wait."
"I understand. It's just like when Pinkie is baking cookies! If we open the oven every minute to see how they're doing, they won't turn out right."
Sugarcoat nodded.
"So," Velvet mused, "it's interesting to see someone help our little genius with a technology problem. That doesn't happen around here every day."
"Mom!"
Sugarcoat smiled. "Twilight knows so much about both in-game and real-world science, probably more than I could ever hope to learn. I'm glad I'm able to help her with this one thing."
Velvet nodded, watching the hard drive spin.
Twilight interrupted, "Mom?"
Velvet said sweetly, "Yes, dear?"
"Could you leave us alone for a while? I'm afraid if you keep staring, I might get nervous and break something."
Velvet went to the door and opened it. "See you soon, girls! Let me know how it went." She winked as she left.
Sugarcoat said, "So."
"So? So WHAT?"
"I forgot just how annoying parents can be."
Twilight nodded. "I know she means well. But sometimes, it's like she forgets I've grown up. Although sometimes it's kind of nice, too."
"Grown up? Not a high school student anymore?"
Twilight smiled. "College, now."
"So why do you still live here?"
"Several reasons. It's convenient to my lab. If I was in a dorm on campus, I'd have to fill out grant applications and paperwork and MORE paperwork, and I STILL couldn't get lab space anywhere near as close to my room as this is. And I get to be close to people who I care about, like family and friends."
The computer beeped. Twilight and Sugarcoat looked at the screen.
"It should be done," Sugarcoat said. "You can look inside the files now, if you want to."
Twilight tapped rapidly at the keyboard. "Yes!" she shouted. "I've got them back!" She scrolled rapidly through the file, and ran another program. After a moment, she said, "It's all good! I'm so glad!" She bent down and forcefully hugged Sugarcoat. "I could just--" Twilight blushed slightly, and released her visitor. She stood up straight again.
Sugarcoat blushed too, but she smiled. "It's ok, Twilight. You can hug me. I don't mind at all. Do you even know how long it's been, since--"
"Since?" Twilight echoed.
"Since...well, I moved to a new city for work, and I don't know many people here..."
"Not enough good hugs lately, huh?"
Sugarcoat said in a sarcastic tone, "I guess it doesn't take a GENIUS to figure that one out."
"You're doing it again, a little bit."
"Doing what? It's just the truth."
"You're...it might be the truth, but the way you're making it sound...I don't know what to say. You made it sound a little bit like an insult. You sound bitter. Maybe even angry."
"Ok. Why don't you call a kind-hearted, caring counselor to look inside my head and see what's wrong. Or is Fluttershy too busy cleaning up animal poop?"
"You're still doing it. You aren't even saying anything really bad. But it sounds...hostile."
Sugarcoat said more softly, "I really do wonder. We're in a virtual reality computer game, right? With emulations for ALL the characters? So why ISN'T Fluttershy here? Isn't she better at this stuff than we are?"
"Hey! I've been reading some books on psychology and counseling and group dynamics."
"That doesn't really answer my question."
Twilight's shoulders drooped. "CelestAI's heuristic analysis said you might be able to connect better with me than with Fluttershy."
"Oh? And why is that?"
"Well...for ONE thing, it's been easier for me to evaluate your professional skills than it would have been for Fluttershy to do. There are a lot of questions I can ask you, ways I can get you talking, that wouldn't be as 'in character' for Fluttershy." Twilight's eyes lit up. "Like how while the hard drive was cooling down, we talked about software optimizations and CPU clustering! And you helped me with some custom code! That would have been harder with Fluttershy."
"Hmmph. So is this some kind of...job placement exam?"
Twilight half-smiled. "Would you like it to be?"
"Maybe. I don't know." Sugarcoat sighed. "I really don't know."
"Ok," Twilight said. "We were talking a couple minutes ago, about how I thought you sounded bitter and angry."
Sugarcoat sighed. "Hey, the government's already paid for this game session, so I want the full experience. Get all the girls together. Let's talk about this with everyone."
Twilight grinned. "Hey, it's your funeral."
"Hey! I thought it was guaranteed even if you die in the game, you won't really die in real life."
Twilight shrugged, a smirk on her face. "I guess there's always a first time?" She pulled out her mobile phone and started texting.
***
Sugarcoat rolled her eyes. "So...we're just sitting around in Twilight's backyard? Can't your VR computer game do any more sets and scenes than just the seven of us sitting in a circle on the ground behind your house?"
Twilight snorted. "Of COURSE the game can. I just thought everyone meeting here would save time getting started. And don't you LIKE the backyard?"
Sugarcoat huffed. "It's fine." She looked around again. "Ok, it's kind of nice."
"I'll be sure to tell my dad you said so. He's very proud of his azaleas."
"It's great, ok? But what about...the stuff we were all going to talk about?"
Applejack shrugged. "Twilight told us we'd be talkin' about you."
"But not behind your back!" Pinkie added. "Unless you want to turn around. Because this is YOUR special visit, right?"
Despite herself, Sugarcoat chuckled a little. "Pinkie, does anyone ever tell you you're funny?"
"All the time!" she squealed cheerfully.
Twilight cleared her throat. "So, Sugarcoat. I was saying I thought you sounded bitter. Upset. Angry?"
"Gosh, you think?"
One of Fluttershy's pale blue eyes transfixed Sugarcoat. (The other was hidden by her hair.)
"Buh!" Sugarcoat said. "Don't DO that!"
"Don't do what?" Fluttershy asked.
"Whatever it is you're doing."
Fluttershy blinked, and looked away. "Oh, sorry. I guess it must have been The Stare. But I thought that didn't work on humans, only animals. Are you a furry?"
"That's...not important right now! What's important is, Twilight thinks I sound bitter, and upset, and angry, and so far this week I pissed off a cop AND a judge."
"Wow," Rainbow Dash said. "You've been BUSY." She held out a fist to bro-hoof Sugarcoat. "And you got a free trip to visit US."
"It's not funny. The truth is, I have reasons to be angry. It's not just because of the cop and the judge."
Fluttershy nodded, carefully not quite looking Sugarcoat directly in the eye.
Twilight said, "You mentioned earlier, you moved to a new city for work. And I guess you haven't had many hugs lately?"
"Not GOOD ones. I...it's hard to explain."
"Take your time," Applejack said. "As long as it takes."
"It's a startup. There were supposed to be some great opportunities. Stock options, work that would help me grow and learn, and really good base wages, too."
Applejack nodded.
"But...I don't like it."
"What about it?" Fluttershy asked.
"It's...well, after I agreed to take the job, when I was moving, they said, sorry, we have to start you off with less pay for a couple months. And I'd already made all the arrangements to move and start the new job. They said they'd bump my pay right back up when I was settled in and had learned their systems. So I went along with it."
"Mm-HMM," Rarity said. "And how long do their systems take to learn?"
"You don't. Because as soon as something starts to make sense, someone changes it. There are at least THREE different technical factions in the company, and each one wants to be the only one who understands how things work. So they're always fighting."
Rainbow Dash asked, "Aren't there any leaders who can step up and try to get everyone to work together, as a team?"
Sugarcoat snorted. "You mean upper management? They're too busy trying to scr--uh. Is R-rated language ok in this game?"
"Scratch their own backs, claw anyone else's?" Rarity suggested.
"Not quite what I was going to say. It's like they think if no one gets along, they can divide and conquer their own employees. But the company will never solve its problems if everyone spends all their time and energy fighting each other."
"That sounds bucked up," Applejack said.
"You wouldn't like it at all, AJ. There's a lot of dishonesty, with so many people trying to trick and betray each other." Sugarcoat grimaced. "I guess that's why I'm so angry all the time now. Because...everyone just gives everyone else a pile of lies. And I'm stuck in the middle of it. It's not a good place to be."
"Mmm," Twilight said. Sugarcoat noticed Twilight was now sitting cross-legged, with a laptop in her lap. "I'm checking GlassDoor."
"What, no horse-themed name? WAIT! Glassdoor is in OUR world. I mean, the world where I come from."
Twilight shrugged. "So I'm a good hacker too. I can access a LOT of things. And what I can't get at by myself, CelestAI can help me with."
"So...you and the game's master AI are a bunch of computer criminals?"
Rarity shook her head. "Criminal is such a nasty word, Sugarcoat. Call us...free spirits. We only do it because we want to help people."
Twilight insisted, "But I'm just accessing GlassDoor's public data. And some other public discussion groups and chat rooms. And so much of what I'm seeing reminds me of what I've read about...dysfunctional organizations. It's almost like a mind control cult. Do they try to keep you from encountering outside points of view and differing opinions?"
Sugarcoat thought for a moment. "Well...there is a LOT of overtime. I haven't had much free time to make new friends locally, outside the startup. And I haven't had all that much free time to talk with my friends back home, either."
Twilight nodded. "So your whole field of view has been filled with this...startup. And to me, looking at it from outside, it doesn't seem good at all. But it's everything you've seen lately. The real world is so much bigger--"
"And better, I think," Rarity interjected.
Twilight finished, "--but they keep you from seeing it."
Sugarcoat nodded. "But that's not all."
"Oh?" Rainbow asked. "What OTHER horseapples are they trying to pull?"
"I don't even want to talk about it right now. It started off not so bad, but things have gotten worse and worse. You girls are right. I've got to get out, somehow."
Twilight tapped on her laptop keyboard some more. "Yup. You are VERY employable in your new city, Sugarcoat. I've already interviewed you in my lab while you diagnosed and fixed a data recovery problem for me, so I know."
"I wonder about my references, though."
Twilight smiled. "You can tell them not to contact your current employer. That should help some. And I'm sending you some career development guides that should help too. To your PERSONAL email, not your work email."
"Should you really have either of those?"
Rarity said airily, "Free spirits, darling!"
"Ok," Sugarcoat said. "So I guess we've gotten a lot done today."
"I think we have," Twilight agreed. "Do you need a rest?"
Sugarcoat sighed. "I guess I am tired."
Twilight set her laptop down, stood, and walked around behind Sugarcoat. She knelt on the grass, and squeezed Sugarcoat's shoulders.
"You're strong," Sugarcoat said.
"Dash taught me how to do this." The hands relaxed and squeezed again. "How's this?"
"I guess I must have--OW!--a lot of tension. But there's still one thing that bothers me."
"Oh?" Another cycle of SQUEEZE...and relax. "What's that?"
"Why am I in...Equestria Girls? Why aren't I a pony? Doesn't Equestria Online always have everyone be ponies, and in Equestria? Not some...HUMANLAND?"
SQUEEZE...relax. "Oh, that's simple. Haven't you figured that out yet?"
"OH. That feels good. Twilight, if you weren't a fictional character, I'd want to ask you out on a date. Maybe ask you to marry me."
Twilight giggled. "The first thing you don't seem to have figured out is, we needed HANDS..."
"Oh. That is GOOD."
"...to test your computer skills more quickly. And...the second thing!"
"WHAT second thing?"
Twilight pinched Sugarcoat's buttock. "Wow, so much tension."
In that moment, the world around Sugarcoat dissolved into darkness. A moment later, the VR pod's lid opened.
In the pod's seat, a human blinked in the sudden light, looking around the Equestrian Experience Center.
A staff member wearing a unisex work coverall smiled at the returnee. "So what did you think?"
"It was...amazing."
The staff member nodded slowly. "We hear that a lot. I see you're on the diversion program. Do you think you learned anything about conflict resolution?"
"I learned, I've got to get a new job." A mobile phone chimed and buzzed. A few finger taps opened a document, and slow swipes scrolled down. "And I think I can. Wow. SO MANY opportunities. An interview request? Highly recommended by...T. Sparklette, Technical Recruiter?"
"How would you rate your Equestrian Experience today, on a scale of one to ten?"
A dry chuckle sounded. "Oh...somewhere between a twelve and a fifteen?"
Author's Note
As this IS a fictional story, some of the computer repair techniques might seem a little different from our world's norm. But at least one step that some people might think is implausibly fictional, isn't.
Clarification added later: The data recovery techniques Sugarcoat and Twilight demonstrated are merely 'desperation methods' for trying to read data from a failing hard drive. They do NOT repair the drive. (I applaud any and all commenters who pointed this out implicitly or explicitiy.)
Also, the particular startup workplace is based on a true story, even if some details have been lightly changed (and softened?) to disguise it.
Update:
Long after contest judging ended, I inserted a paragraph break after
...I think the hard drive should have cooled down enough now."
