Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

Coffee had grown cold while Twilight and I conjugated, and then showered, but Isha had clicked on a fresh batch just as we emerged from our second shower of the morning. To top that off, she’d commandeered my skillet while I was washing up and cooked breakfast

“Not serving those pseudo food bar thingies anymore?” Twilight asked as she dug into fried eggs.

“I’ve got some for emergencies if you miss them. But I haven’t touched them in years.”

“FSBs?” Isha asked. “You had Twilight here from another world and you served those nasty things?”

“That was before I taught myself how to cook. And they were convenient. Leaves more time for sex and books.”

We all laughed.

“Uh, by the way Tanna, did you happen to notice what Celestia said before she sent you back here?” Twilight asked.

“She called us newlyweds, so I assume that means we’re married even if we never had a church service or the paperwork. It’s legally binding if she says it, right? Right? That’s what I’ve been telling everyone.”

“Dixitque Kellestrix, fiat.”

“Amen,” I said.

“Here’s what’s really funny: it was Discord who wrote the law that gives her the formal legal right to declare any two ponies who use her name as an expression, during sex, to be married. I actually had to go and look up the ECS code just to make sure he wasn’t pulling my leg.” Wisely, she paused for a second to count limbs – idiom and Discord can be a chancy mix even here on Terra where we were were absolutely, unequivocally, safe from his pranks. “I think he only wrote the bill to tease her; he was pretty pleased that it actually got used.”

“Since when was he part of the Equestrian legislative process?”

“When he was elected to the House of Lords around year four hundred of the Celestial Era.”

“What year is it now,” Isha asked, “in Equestria?”

“One thousand thirty four.”

“How long has this princess of yours been reigning?”

“A thousand thirty four years.”

“Oh. How long do her kind live?”

“Nopony knows yet.”

Twilight nodded in agreement.

“Now that our libidos are sated for a few minutes, tell me what’s been been happening in Equestria.”

“Derpy’s back.”

Her voice did not indicate a happy ending.

“Is she okay?”

“Well, she’s healthy, and she’s safe now, but she’s four months pregnant.”

“How long to ponies carry?” Isha wondered.

“About eleven months,” I replied “Not ‘ran off happily with somepony special’ pregnant?”

“No, she was abducted, like we all feared. It was one of the Skim brothers. He’s already been captured, tried, convicted, and sentenced to hang.”

“Really! Flim or Flam?”

“No, it was Flum. Those two are innocent of this outrage. I’ll take petty con artists over abduction and rape any day.”

“Flum? I didn’t know about him. Is there a Flem and Flom too?”

“The sisters? They certainly weren’t involved, according to the EBI. And Flwm, Flym, and Flgm are all too young.”

“Big family. I only knew about Flim and Flam. Cee, that's so awful, how is Miss Derpy?”

“She’s gotten really quiet, but she’s back at work mis-delivering the mail until she’s too pregnant to fly. She says keeping busy makes her feel better.”

“Is that all the support she gets? Doing her job?” Isha asked, indignant.

“No, of course not. We don’t just let a crime victim languish on her own. I’m not on the case, but I know that her mother is staying with her for a while. And of course her counseling session are confidential. But we are civilized ponies.”

“Tell me some good news from Equestria.”

“Well, in spite of being totally whiny and driving her Highness spare for the last eight weeks I’ve saved the world twice.”

“I’m glad that I left Equestria in good hooves. What were you being whiny about?”

“Mostly about how much I missed you!”

“Oh!” I blushed.

“Also, since I mentioned Discord a moment ago, I should tell you that he finally asked Fluttershy a very special question.”

“Hurray! I knew he could do it! She said yes, right? I’m sure she did!”

“Heh, heh, yep. He and Fluttershy haven’t set the date yet, but probably this summer.”

“Who are they?” Isha asked.

“Lord of Chaos,” I explained, “and his marefriend, eh, fiancé I guess I should say now. Good friends of ours.”

“You should have been there for the announcement. Celestia crashed the party and was teasing ‘Shy when we were all toasting the two of them. ‘Shy got her back; I don’t know what she said but it made her Highness blow wine out her royal nose!”

“Ha! Gotta watch the quiet ones! Anything else new?”

“Well there is one other situation of note.” The carefully bored tone of Twilight’s voice warned me that she was ready to spring something.

“Do tell,” I said with caution.

“You recall the smoldering speech you gave before our last innocent little tryst in Equestria?”

“Oh Twilight, I was so fuckin’ hot for you. And you wouldn’t do me unless I told you ‘exactly what I wanted’. And after I told you, her Highness interrupted us and sent me back mid-orgasm…”

“At least she married us before she banished you.”

“Aye.” I bowed my head. “Kellestrix gratias.”

“Kellestrix gratias,” Twilight agreed.

“Kellestrix gratias,” Isha intoned with a sincerity of feeling that surprised me.

“Anyway—” Twi was ready for the reveal “—are you ready to be an aunt?”

“Technically aren’t I already? There’s young Princess Heartflurry. Are your brother and Princess Cadance expecting again?”

“Surprisingly, no, they aren’t. Shining was away on frontier patrol at the crucial moment, even though there’s nothing to patrol up there. But your words became a spell. Nopony knows how it happened, but we were still magically entangled from the magic earlier, and somehow you got access to my power.”

I vaguely recalled the magical tingle I had felt long ago as I canted the lilting lustwise language of love to her. At the time I assumed it was a side effect of the overpowering need I felt for Twilight. But if I had been using magic, it wasn’t Twilight’s power that I drew upon.

“What happened?”

“In an area centered around Ponyville, there are some eight hundred mares who got pregnant that night. Thirty-ish would be a normal night for that geographic area, barring full moon, Cadance’s birthday, or Hearts and Hooves day where you might see as many as fifty.”

“That much have been some soliloquy,” Isha commented, “What exactly did she say?”

“It went like this…”

Twilight stood and recited the words I had improvised, some eight years ago in my timeline, to tell her how much I desired her. Much can change in the greater part of a decade, but one thing definitely had not.

“…possess my flesh as already thou possesseth my heart.”

“Oh, Twi, you memorized all that? I still feel that way about you, and I want it again now.” I reached across the table and took her hands when she sat.

We had politely foreborn to notice that early in the recital Isha’s right hand had vanished under the table and her face bore a tell-tale glow.

Isha sighed.

“Praise Aphrodite, that was pretty florid, Tanna. No wonder the goddess brought our paths to cross.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “I had no idea what was happening.”

“Nopony does. So that’s the other thing I’ve been doing besides trying to break Celestia’s spell. Building infrastructure to cope with the sudden population boom we’re expecting. It’s not that large compared to the whole country, but they mostly live near Ponyville. We’re not going to just arbitrarily ship them off to different hospitals all over the country. So I’m building facilities centered in Ponyville.”

“How’s it going to work?”

“Several towns will have new schools or upgrades, but right in Ponyville I’m building a big birthing centre. But here’s the clever bit: the buildings are all designed to be repurposed as the needs of this wave of new foals change with age. After they’re all born, we remodel into pediatric clinics and foal care. In a few years, we change to preschool, eventually grade school, etc, etc.”

“Impressive! But are you and I going to be on the hook for foal support?”

“That's one of the really incredible things! Every affected mare is either well married or has a dependable lover. There were bucking zero instances of single mares getting themselves randomly abused by strange stallions. Now, a few of the couples had never met before, but they are happy and committed now. Mares in crappy relationships were not affected either.”

“That’s my girl!” Isha punched me in the shoulder. “I’m impressed! A massive love and fertility spell without causing personal havoc for the ladies affected.”

“Celestia says that even she could not have cast a spell that powerful. Uh, she’s also been making me do power-gating drills to make sure that I don’t leave myself open to you. She doesn’t want somepony potentially more powerful than she is (I think she means me!) giving third parties access to that kind of magic. It’s for the best that I keep you out, dear, since you aren’t a trained user.”

“I understand,” I said, but I was shamed by the implicit deceit of leaving Twilight in the dark.

Oh Celestia, I hate lying, I thought grimly. I hope that whatever in Equestria it is that I have sworn to obey really is on your side, really is the goddess she claimed to me. In the years since taking that oath I had received no further confirmation that I had chosen rightly and often found myself tormented with doubt.

Twilight didn’t pick up on my discomfiture but I could see that Isha did.

“…walked in on them in the middle of the night. Together,” Twilight was saying.

“I’m sorry who, what?”

“Celestia and her lover, the foreign prince. Do you realize you cast a spell that affected even her Highness? Even if I wasn’t controlling it, I can’t believe my power did that!”

Once more it hurt me to let the falsehood stand.