Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

Shining Armor loaded coffee grounds into his sister's machine while she cut and plated the cake.

The two portions were distinctly inequal, perhaps a sixty–forty split.

“If you cut, I choose,” Shining reminded her.

“I know that. I’m sure you’ll do the right thing.” Jane hoofed the button on the coffee maker. “It will brew faster if you turn it on.”

“I can’t believe you do this to your own little brother.”

Shinning sadly slid such a smaller slice selfwards.

“A perfect gentlecolt,” his sister said, and curtsied.

“My pleasure, Lady Jane.”

He bowed to her, manners overriding his disappointment.

“You probably just had a slice with our parents.”

“Two,” Shining admitted.

“Thank you for sharing. I have more treats in the icebox, if this isn’t enough for you. Twilight’s friend, Miss Pie, sends me goodies every year on the day I saved her parents’ farm. It’s very sweet of her, but her stuff is too sweet. Not as good as Mom’s.”

Outside, the all-clear was sounding. But the horn blasts were not the typical three note daaa-daaa-DAAA denoting the end to a security exercise, this was almost a full fanfare, a trump of victory.

“Was there a drill today? We went through a couple checkpoints getting here, but I didn’t stop the chariot to ask what was up.”

In fact, he hadn’t even slowed down to give the grunts at the checkpoints improved odds of getting out of the way on time. In retrospect maybe he should have asked some questions.

“I don’t remember anything scheduled,” Jane reflected. “Normally for a drill I’d grab my hi-vis and join the block watch captain.”

“Hmm, somepony probably forgot to send out notifications for the city militia. So, how’d you save the farm?”

“Pig-headed small town banker foreclosed on Pinkie's dad because Mr. Pie had invested in a mechanical traction engine to help bring in the rock harvest, and our banker did not approve of gambling money on the new technology. So he said. Twilight asked me to see what I could do for them, so the Governor of the Royal Reserve and I paid him a little visit. We audited the books and left him sitting on his hams as we went over every line. I found that he had already accepted payment for the rock farm from a developer. The accusation of ‘frivolous business practices’ was just a pretext to steal the land. We allowed the bank to pay off Mr. Pie’s mortgage, completely, in return for not having charges referred, and left Mr. Trotter to explain to the developer that their plans would not be going through.”

“Cooked his bacon,” Shining said, chuckling as he peered at the coffee machine. “Is this thing done?”

Jane poured coffee and the siblings levitated their plates and cups to her office.

“Speaking of Twily, perhaps you’ve heard she’s seeing somepony?”

“I haven’t, but aren’t you supposed to wait until until I take a drink before you say something like that?” Jane asked.

“My bad.”

“Is she really? Did you check to see if she’s dating a book?”

“Not a book. Mom met him a couple of times, but she isn’t talking until Twilight officially reveals him to the family. I want to give him a look over as soon as I get a chance, but I did promise Twilight that I would trust her judgment.”

“Not one of your wife’s leftovers, I hope.”

“No, thank heaven. Cady’s more than a little peeved about that. And due to some ineffable alicorn shenanigans, he’s been sent back to his home world by Princess Celestia. Last time I saw Twily, she was working on breaking the barrier her Highness erected to keep them apart.”

“No shit. I don’t know anypony besides our little sister who could do that.”

“I don’t know anypony beside Twily who could get away with it. But I might be guilty of aiding and abetting.”

“Good, I’m glad you helped her. And she better call on me if there’s anything I can do for her.”

“I think she’s got it under control. She told me to keep my nose out of her feedbag. And she called him her lover.”

Jane’s eyebrows shot up.

“Well, assuming she knows what the word means, it’s about time she grew up. Good for her.”

Shining Armor raised his cup.

“Here’s to Twilight,” he said. “I hope she knows what she’s getting into.”

“Twilight,” Jane agreed and they both drank.

“So what had you doing fieldwork and getting bucking injured?”

“Don Largo’s Capo was dabbling in counterfeiting. I was doing the tactical forensic quant stuff to find where the real money was going.”

“If the Don finds false coin in his coffers, el Capo is gonna get capped!”

“Hold your self, I’ll get to that part.”

“I’m just saying. The mob hates getting paid in counterfeit event more than the government!”

As they ate, Jane continued her tale, explaining how they had tracked the fake coin to its origin.

“…they put a lot of effort into making their counterfeits look well worn, and they were mostly smart about where they spent them. Until two in the morning one day some dumb mook spent a brand new, un-aged, two bit coin buying a burrito at an all night deli counter in the same industrial district as their little mint. That really broke the case wide open, right there.”

Shining levitated his plate to a vertical orientation immediately before his muzzle. With his tongue out, he caused the plate to spin in midair.

“Ha. Try doing this at our Sire’s table,” Jane said as she mirrored his action.

“Dad probably does it himself when nopony is there,” Shining said after he licked the last of the frosting from his plate. “Clean enough to put away now!” he boasted.

“Put it in the sink, please.”

“Yes, my lady.” Shining grabbed both plates and cups in his magic. “Back in a second. More coffee?”

He was out of the office before Jane could reply, but in the unlikely even she didn’t want another cup, he’d drink for both.

“Yes, please. Regular!” she called after.

A moment later he returned; Jane accepted her refilled cup.

“Within days,” she continued her story, “local law enforcement had tracked the mook and found the warehouse where the forgeries were made and distributed from. E.B.I. brought me on-site and we did a sneak and peek so I could start finding where the assets were before showing our hoof. I made good progress with the books the first night, but I was still unraveling all of the shell companies they were shuffling funds through when it was time to go. We must have left something out of place. On the second night, five of the mob’s soldiers ambushed us. That’s when Rodha barged me out of harm’s way and got skewered for her trouble. When I saw the arrowhead stick out of her buttcheek, I thought for sure she was gonna die. Instead of falling over she charged them with it still sticking out of her. She killed the guy who shot her before he could load his crossbow again.”

Shining didn´t bother lecturing his sister on the difference between arrows and bolts. Not her field.

“That’s pretty buckin’ heroic,” he said instead. “I’d like to see that gelded brother of hers do something like that.”

“Les Slatekin isn’t actually a gelding.”

“Is that first hoof information, sister?”

“Second hoof. I heard it from a colt who would know. Anyway, with the archer down, it didn’t take long for the other E.B.I. ponies to finish off two more of the mob soldiers. I picked up my wound running to check on Rodha and getting into the middle of the fight. The last two mobsters surrendered and we hitched them up to pull their dead fellows, and all the ledgers, back to the local police station we were working out of. By dawn I’d sent telegrams freezing ninety percent of the assets and I had the rest nailed down by EOD.”

“What about Rodha?” Shining asked.

“She walked to the hospital. She said that with the arrowhead sticking all the way through instead of buried inside her, walking wasn’t going to make it worse. If she was mortally wounded she said she could ride in the corpse-wagon later.”

“It sounds like she is every bit as hard core as her father.”

“And then, today…”

“Hm?”

“Apparently a written apology from the Don himself, and a promise to reimburse the Crown for any of the fake money circulated by his ‘wayward underling’, were delivered to the Treasury building, just this morning.”

“Oh?”

“The text was branded into a pony’s hide. Probably before it was removed from the pony.”

“El Capo?”

“Almost certainly. The message doesn’t come out and say it, but it implies as much. It seems that right about the time Treasury twigged onto the forgeries and brought me in as the mission analyst to find the source, Largo received his monthly cut from the Capo’s operation entirely in counterfeit.”

“Bad move.”

“I don’t think anypony is going to find that body.”

“Probably not,” he agreed. “Do you have the text of the letter?”

Jane passed a telegraph flimsy across the desk and Shining read the part where it quoted the Don’s letter aloud.

“Royal Treasury of Equestria:

It has come to my attention that my wayward underling has polluted the circulation with false coin of the realm.
This is not acceptable behavior in my organization.
Please destroy the forgeries, send me an accounting thereof, and I will of a certainty make the Treasury whole down to the least farthing.
You have my assurance that the individual responsible will not be troubling anypony again, and there is no need to search out what remains of him.

With sincere apologies I am Their Majesties’ humble servant,

Don Largo”

Shining gave a low whistle.

“Dangerous pony to cross,” he said. “Anything else?”

“That’s about it.”

“Dang, wild times, sis. Of course, I was afraid the story was going to be seven times longer. Imma go grab a jumpseat on a military flight to the Crystal Kingdom. Probably get home before the princesses do.”

And if he did? Cadance’s newest mare in waiting wouldn’t have any official duties until her mistress arrived.