Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

Leon and I reclined in the shade under the lone hill-top tree. His adopted hometown of Selphia lay not far away, but thanks to the vagaries of dream geography I had never been to the town.

“At least you definitely got the pony’s attention!” he was saying. I’ll give him credit for trying not to laugh at my misadventures in love. “Avani has time to help everyone in the whole damn town. Meaning no special time for me.”

What an odd pair we must have made. Him dressed in natural colours, natural fibres, hand stitched night pants and a robe. Me in government issued, government grey, pajamas that had certainly been assembled by a machine somewhere. Him, a seasoned adventurer, me a city liver. So many contrasts.

Neither of us could be sure that the other was real – we had only ever met in dreams. But since each of us remembered continuity from dream to dream (or were dreamed to do so) we maintained a friendship.

And compare notes on our current lady troubles.

“Oh Miss Avani” Leon continued in a squeaky old lady voice “I can’t find my mushroom gathering basket, maybe I left it on the Cerezo road, can you look for it? Or maybe its right here on the counter next to me and I’m too daft to notice!”

Leon stabbed at the sky with his fist. Such was the intensity of his punch I could see the shock-wave in the air.

“Horse boy gets plenty of her time,” he added bitterly, using his rival Dylas’s hated nickname.

“I’ve watched you fight monsters. If that Sechen war comes, someone with your skill is going rise to prominence. She’ll notice you.”

“She’s still a better fighter than I am. And I’ll be honest, there are other strong fighters in town. If I say that I am second best, it’s the truth, but I don’t hold that position as clearly as she holds the position of first. I should start teaching you – nothing like teaching to make me find the weaknesses in my own skills.”

“I’m game. Not many folks swinging swords in my world.”

I could reasonably estimate the exact number to be zero.

“Well the fact that we meet here at all tells me that you are unusual. You study and index magic tomes, but you are not a magic user…”

“Yeah. Our official policy is that none of the techniques in the cryptoliterature should be taken at face value. They are imbued with esoteric symbolism and researchers such as myself must not attempt to make use the knowledge which we track down on behalf of other researchers who are not permitted access to the dark stacks.”

“It’s a safety protocol,” I added in response to his blank stare. “The people who use the knowledge don’t have access to look up anything other than what they are authorized to study. The people who do the research don´t have any practical experience.”

“You’re an odd duck. I have misgivings about having all that lore in your head without knowing how to use it. You might surprise yourself with just how real it can be.”

“I said that was the policy. I didn’t say that I blindly toe the party line.”

“Hmm. And you said the pony has been physically abusive twice?”

“Both times we’ve met, yes.”

“Doesn’t sound very friendly,” he said, alluding to my many tales about Twilight, and her friends.

“Something must be affecting her.”

“Maybe she isn’t who you think she is. Maybe she just wanted a random quickie, like she said, and you’re trying to make her into something she isn’t. It wouldn’t justify her behavior, but it would explain it.”

“I think she’s exactly who I think she is but something is wrong, forcing her out of character.”

Leon had found a pair of straight branches and presented one to me.

“You hold a sword like this.”

I mimicked his grip and stance.

“I hope you’re not planning to teach me to defend myself from her.”

“No, I can tell you wouldn’t lift your hand against her; I’d like you to stand up for yourself, but I’m not recommending a sword fight! At least its just dream-violence, but I still don’t approve– I was going to say that I don’t approve of violence in a relationship, but I’m not sure what you’re describing is a relationship.”

“Funny thing about the violence thing - it seems like the impact of her kicks crosses into real life.”

I did not tell Leon about my dosage excursion and the actual benefit of that first kick.

“That's bad – you need to tell her. If dream and reality are mixing it’s dangerous and the pers— ahem, mage, casting the spell needs to know. Whatever the fuck you aren’t telling me is dangerous too.”

Damn, he’s perceptive.

“I’d rather she decides to be nice to me instead of pressuring her.”

Leon groaned. “You still need to back off your emotional pressure, but insisting that someone treat you decently is not ‘pressure’. Even if they’re mad at you for being full of shit. Are you willing to risk dying in lingering agony after a kick to the gut, waiting for her to stop being abusive? Ever seen a man die from an intestinal injury? I have. It’s not nice.”

“I don’t want to get all dark and angsty, but I don’t exaggerate if I say nothing else matters to me besides being with her. She can kick me until she decides to do otherwise.”

“Yep, that was edgy as fuck, freaking juvenile.” He thought for a moment. “What kind of relationship did your parents have?”

“They never met. My mother is a man-hating courtesan who resents me for not being another daughter and my father died before I was conceived.”

“Before you were conceived? How’s that work? Did they somehow save his, uh, stuff?”

“Yeah, at cryogenic temperatures it lasts for centuries.” Leon looked at me blankly again. “That means really, really, cold. So cold that gasses are liquid or even solid.”

“I was hoping for a good example to discuss with you or a bad example to help me understand you better. Instead we got nothing. Hey, at least on the bright side, you’re getting some action, you just need to learn to shut up.”

“Not quite the kind of action I want. Am I too greedy for wanting to be more than a fling of convenience? I don’t want to just be nothing more than a pleasant memory as she respectably grows old with some respectable stallion prince.”

“Greedy, maybe. But not too greedy, as long as you can watch your manners. I hope to be more than just another random face in Selphia to Avani. In the end, if she rejects me I have to accept it. Same thing goes for you and the pony. Or you can be an ass about it and be nothing more than an unpleasant memory as she grows old, yadda yadda, respectable stallion, whine whine.”

I didn’t have any reply for that gloomy thought - of course he was right.

“I love her, Leon”

He was right about the whining too, I could hear it in my own voice and I didn’t like it.

“Is your love so pure and true that it gives you the right to force love on her if all she wants is a casual screw while she waits to meet someone—”

“Somepony.”

“—marriageable?”

“No!” I scowled. “It’s never okay to force somepony!”

“Good, I’m glad you recognize that. At least you aren’t completely a lost cause. And she does have a point about lust. It would be perfectly reasonable for any woman –eh, mare I guess– to be leery of a guy who starts going on about love after a random hookup. Right?”

“But its not just random! I’ve kinda had a thing for her forever.”

“I could argue that the kind of thing you are describing an improbable, infantile, infatuation, and that she obviously doesn’t have any kind of thing for you. You need to back off if you ever want her to develop one. Maybe while you back off you can get to know her as an individual instead of your obsessive fantasy.”

“I know all about her! Her parents are Nightlight and Twilight Velvet, her brother is Shinning Armor. He’s married to Princess Cadance who used to foalsit Twilight when she was a filly. She loves to read, and learn, and she’s super smart. Her magic has saved the world tons of times. She—”

Leon held up his hand to interrupt me.

“Those are just facts that any stalker could learn. I’m saying you need to know her as a hu— I mean as person. No matter what you think you know, she’s only met you twice and you’re throwing love around. At best it makes you sound like an idiot. Worst case, you sound like a stalker or simply a liar.”

“If anyone else had shown up looking for casual dream sex, it would have been totally different.”

“Like who?” he asked.

“I dunno, anyone. Some kind of adventurer, sword expert, magic user, from a fantasy world on the brink of war; not Twi’. It may be academic anyway. If I never see her again. She’s threatened as much.”

“How long will you wait to see?”

“I dunno. Maybe seven years like in fairy tales?”

“And then?” he asked.

“I’ve got some unfinished business to take care of.”

Leon sighed.

“Let me tell you something funny about Avani. Her favorite outfit, the top,” he said, “has these funny little tabs that hang down right over her nipples. So, since nobody can see nipples poking the fabric she figures she doesn’t need to wear a brassiere…”

His smile was far away and dreamy.

“But… she’s wrong?” I guessed.

“Every. Head. In. Selphia. Bobbing in unison as she bubbles obliviously down the street. Even the straight girls stare at those breasts.”

“Wow, just, wow,” I was chuckling now.

“Me too, of course. I won’t lie.”

“Ha, ha, at least you’re honest about it.”

“But hot as she is, in no way would I be much satisfied with a ‘oh let’s just have sex’ relationship. I can’t claim that I would reject such an unlikely proposition if it came my way, but that I would want more, just as you do. What I’m saying is that I understand where you’re coming from. Even if I don’t approve the kind of treatment you are tolerating, or what you plan.”

“Thanks, buddy. If I manage to kill myself without getting interrupted you can have my legos.”

I had to explain that, too.