Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

Celestia would raise the sun soon; the growing light was creeping into Twilight’s bedroom.

We were both exhausted from our all night romp. Pinkie’s cold pressed espresso fueled Magic Eight Ball and its unknown blend of forbidden ingredients had finally worn off. Somehow most of the bedding had migrated to the floor and in the middle of the resulting nest of rose coloured linens we lay on our sides in a casual almost sixty-nine position.

“That feels nice,” I said as she languidly smooched my penis, “but I don’t think its gonna get hard again soon.”

“Would it work to sleep like this?” Twilight said through a yawn, “I can just start sucking when you get hard. I know I’m too tired to come again for a while.”

“You ever bite your tongue just as you’re falling asleep?”

“Once in a while, yeah.”

“Uh-huh. You are not sleeping with my wiener that close to your teeth, dear.”

I stood and walked to the window as a bright sliver crept over the horizon.

“Look, Princess, the sunrise is here!”

“Errhm,” she groaned, “happens everyday.”

“And it happened again!” I bowed my head to whisper, “thank you, Celestia,” in the first golden rays.

“Come back here.”

As I snuggled back into the tangle of sheets and blankets and Twilight, I could hear a distant clock begin to strike seven.

“Hypothetically speaking, what is Discord going to do if we don’t show up for breakfast approximately exactly right now?”

“Discord?” She yawned again. “Breakfast? Oh, shi—”

As the last peal of the chimes faded we landed on the carpet in front of Fluttershy’s fireplace.

“—t.”

“Perfect timing!” Discord schmoozed as a twinkle of magic faded from around his paw. He was wearing a yellow apron covered with blue butterfly appliqués.

“Discord, good buddy!” I greeted him from where I lay on the floor my head resting against Twilight’s thigh, “can you just drop a muffin in my mouth?”

“Tangent, my dear friend!” he replied warmly, “if you aren’t sitting nicely at the table when Flutters emerges seventy one seconds from now, it will be the other end of your alimentary canal where I stick a muffin. Ask not how far it gets stuffed, nor with what.”

“Lots of butter?” I quipped, but before he could give answer I continued, “lovely as that sounds I sha’n’t like to disrespect the lady of the cottage.” I helped Twilight up and we wobbled our way to the table.

Exactly seventy one seconds later, Fluttershy stepped into the kitchen.

“Ohhhhhhhhhh…” Her speech dissolved into a yawn as she stretched luxuriously in the doorway. “Twilight and her special friend are already here. Coffee or tea, friends?”

“Unnnnnngg,” Twilight groaned, “yes?”

I poked her under the table until she sat up.

“Yes, please,” she corrected herself, and sagged again.

“Coffee would be lovely, Miss Fluttershy,” I said, “is there anything I can do to help?”

“If you can keep Twilight approximately upright, Dissy and I will take care of the rest. I’m afraid I’m asking you to do the hard part, I hope you don’t mind.”

“My pleasure, just speak up if there is anything else I can do for you.”

“Well there is one other tiny itty bitty little thing. Can you, um, not tell anypony what you saw yesterday?”

“We won’t breathe a word. But it was inspirational to witness and certainly nothing to be bashful of.”

“I’m sure you and Twilight don’t need much inspiration.” Fluttershy didn’t even blush; whatever her reason for secrecy was she wasn’t ashamed of her exuberant sex life with Discord. “And thank you. Some ponies can be a little nosy.”

“You’ll never guess who,” Discord interjected as he spread his ~~mismatched~~ delightfully asymmetrical wings and pantomimed crashing into the wall.

“Its not even the snoopiness, we don’t mind putting on a show.” She looked downward demurely, almost timid, but I caught a glimpse of mischief on her face. “It’s the specist disapprobation. So please be discreet.”

“Fear not, fair friend!” I pumped my fore-hoof in the air energetically. “Discretion is the greater part of batter!”

“And batter is the greater part of valor!” Discord’s voice rang out “Speaking of which, muffins in T minus ten seconds.”

“I’m not sure—” Fluttershy began.

“Nine!” Discord’s voice echoed through the door like an announcement from a loudspeaker on a concrete blockhouse.

“—if I like—”

“Eight!”

“—the idea of—”

“Seven!”

“—you chaos boys—”

“Six!”

“—playing together—”

“Five!”

“—too often—”

“Four!”

A sound like a rocket engine began in the kitchen.

“—if stuff like—”

“Three!”

The rocket sounds were growing louder.

“—this is going to—”

“Two!”

Almost deafening, the noise of the rocket shook the cottage. Somehow Twilight was still asleep, drooling gently on my shoulder.

“…. ……. …..”

Fluttershy’s lips were moving but I couldn’t hear a word.

“One!”

Ping!

Discord made the sound of an oven timer as the roar stopped.

In the sudden silence Twilight’s eyes snapped open. “Gah! What? No, mom I was just scratching the side of my leg! I wasn’t clo—” She looked around, still dazed. “What?”

“You were mumbling in your sleep,” Fluttershy said reassuringly, “and the muffins are done.”

—

The muffins were excellent, and the Fluttercord were a delightful host and hostess.

As we ate Discord remarked, “it’s nice to have a former human among us again, Tangible.”

“What do you mean ‘again’, Disco-cod?” I asked, not missing a beat at his playful corruption of my name.

“Tell me, do you know our good human friend Lauren Faust?”

“Lauren was real?” I asked. “I saw the name in the credits, but I took it to be a metaphor for the Faustian bargain of selling out to an evil soulless mega-corporation.”

Simultaneously Twilight was asking, “Lauren was a human? I never knew!”

“If Lauren Faust really existed,” I continued, “that must have been centuries before my time and presumably long deceased, I’m sorry to say. Unless Lauren was some kind of undying cyborg. But a human from my past, time-traveling to Equestria, could explain why tales about all of you ended up as children’s stories.”

“Children’s stories?”

“Yeah, The Discord Show was a big hit with young girls and weird old guys!”

“Oh, that sounds simply fabulous. I do hope they included my dear pony friends in some of the episodes.”

“Your heroic exploits saving the ponies from many dangers were a timeless inspiration to the timeless children of Terra.”

“Did you hear that honey? You’re popular on an entirely different world!”

“For realsie? You wouldn’t be pulling my leg would you, Tangent?”

“Only slightly.” I passed the detached limb back to its owner, who socketed it into his hip. “The show was very popular many years ago. I am probably the only Terran-born who keeps the memory alive. Faust’s time, and presumed importation of Equestrian history, was centuries ago.”

“Prove it. Tell me one of the adventures that we all had.”

“The first thing that comes to mind is when you and Trixie Lulumoon and Starlight Glimmer took on the entire changeling hive to rescue Fluttershy and, um, some other ponies. Truly brave and very good teamwork. I loved the flying pigs.”

“You see, dear?”

“Well you’ve convinced me. I don’t have any air-bacon to offer you today, but would you like another muffin?”

“Thank you, sir, don’t mind if I do. In the shows there was a muffin-loving mail mare; has she tried these?”

Instantly the mood at the table soured — I had put my hoof in it again. Discord crossed his arms and glowered. Twilight was angry and Fluttershy looked infinitely sorrowful.

“Wha… What’d I say?”

“Derpy is our good friend and a frequent guest,” Fluttershy explained sadly, “but she’s been missing for months.”

“Oh, no! That's awful! She was always depicted as so sweet in the show.”

“She is very sweet,” Discord’s frown deepened, “and anypony who hurts her will have ‘Shy and me to answer to.”

“There, there, dear,” Fluttershy tried to comfort him, “the conventional authorities are taking care of the search, and I’m sure they are very good at what they do. We’ll leave this in their hooves unless they catch the perp and strike an overly cushy plea-bargain.”

“I’m not privy to what the EBI may know,” Twilight added, betraying her opinion of their secrecy in the tone of her voice, “but I know they are putting their utmost effort into finding her.”

“Celestia bless their labors,” I said, and touched my chest. Even Discord joined the prayer.

—

Three months earlier.

A dark place.

In the shadows, a young, light grey, mare. She moans like somepony trying to wake up from a nightmare but she is too deeply asleep.

Not asleep: drugged!

A portal opens and mare several years senior to the dreamer steps through.

For a moment she looks down at the pathetic form.

“It kills me to see you like this,” she says, “I can’t stop what’s going to happen to you. Bucking paradox bullshit. But I can improve the outcome.”

She drops an instrument case next to her patient, flips it open. One after another she takes the contents out, uses them, and clips them back. Softly she narrates her own actions.

“In place,” she gives the first gleaming device a careful push and hoofs a release near the base of its length, “and payload delivered,” she adds as the instrument makes a moist sound.

Next is a specialized spell, packaged in single-use charm even a non-unicorn can effect.

“Closing the gate,” she says as the magic sparkles fade. The charm, now inert, is replaced in the case.

“This will keep him from tearing you up too badly,” as she utilizes one more medical nostrum.

Lastly she slips a short duration subdermal bioabsorbable dosing implant under the skin at the back of her patient’s foreleg. “And this will make the next three days really fuzzy and hard to remember. It’s gonna suck having a gap in your memory, but trust me, it’s gotta be this way. Most ponies will tell you that you don’t want remember what happened to you tomorrow, anyway.”

These attentions completed, she bends her head down low, gives the unconscious pony a slow, gentle kiss, probing deep warmth with her tongue. The dreamer moans softly, unconscious of the pleasure her body responds to.

“And that bastard died never knowing that I got here before him.”

Snapping her case closed, she checks a chronometer. Under three hundred seconds elapsed.

“Here’s to better circumstances, in the future.”

When the portal closes, the newly deflowered sleeper is once more alone.

—

Fluttershy used the excuse of making more coffee to scarper off – once alone in the kitchen she could blot the tears from her eyes and blow her nose. For the zillionth time she prayed for Derpy’s safety. Who could hurt such a filly-like mare, so quirky and innocent?

Before she could make herself cry for real, Twilight stepped into the kitchen on the way back from the bathroom.

“That was something else yesterday, Fluttershy. I don’t have Tangent nearly that well trained.”

“I can’t claim all the credit. Dissy has centuries of experience, and I’m just reaping the benefit.”

“With any luck he’s out there giving Tangent some pointers.”

Twilight started to grin – until she reparsed her own words.

“Wait!! That came out all wrong, I’m not saying that he’s not good—”

“It’s okay, commander, I’m sure the two of you are very well matched.” Fluttershy said gently, “But are you okay? You look like you’re half asleep on your hooves.”

“Tell me about it. I think I nodded off and took a toilet nap in your bathroom. Pinkie got us with something she calls a Magic Eight Ball.”

“Oo, I’ve heard rumors of that one. Do you, um, recommend it?”

“Yes. But make sure you have a couple days clear.”

—

“My Lord of Chaos,” I addressed Discord when the two of us were alone in the living room. Twilight had not returned from Fluttershy’s bathroom and Fluttershy herself was in the kitchen starting more coffee.

“Yes, Tangent?”

At least he had somewhat recovered from my inadvertent faux pas, but he still seemed subdued.

“I apologize for Twilight and me walking in on your amours with Lady Shy.”

“My nootely neophyte of non-order, think nothing of it. You heard the mare: she doesn’t mind putting on a show.”

“What about you, my—”

“And don’t call me ‘Lord’ except when you’re in trouble. Now, as far as my preferences, I don’t mind exhibitioning a touch if it gives my sweetie a thrill. It was good for laugh and the sound of the princess’s jaw hitting the floor.”

I chuckled along with him.

“May I ask a favor?”

“You may ask…”

“I need an illusion spell cast. Could you be so kind as to recommend a first rate illusionist? Perhaps of the powder blue persuasion?”

“But of course, I do recommend Miss Lulumoon,” he said, his mood lifting. “And I’d be happy to give you a letter of introduction.” He snapped his fingers, producing an ornately sealed envelope and presenting it to me. “In the moderately unlikely event she fails you, her ego is entertaining enough to make it well worth your time. Pray tell, what do you need her services for, that you cannot ask of our dear friend Twilight?”

“Ohhhhh just a little sumpin sumpin.” I idly sketched a series of solid and broken horizontal strokes in the air, forming an obscure heptagram.

“Ah, ‘hidden chaos’,” said Discord, “I like it.”

The symbol hung there, glowing.

“I wasn’t expecting that to happen,” I shrugged.

Discord swished the character out of the air with the fur tuft on the end of his tail before the mares could return to see it.

“You are speaking to the Lord of Chaos, my little pony.”