Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

Bang! Bang! Bang! came the thump on the door to Celestia’s chambers. Without waiting for reply Twilight burst into the room.

She found herself face to face with Celestia who stood roomcenter, bemounted by Prince Tajrahaz, the new diplomat from Yakkul. His eyes were wide with alarm – he could tell their coupling was not going well and didn’t know what to do to salvage the situation. And the fact that Equestria’s standing army, under the command of the princess he was failing to please or impress, outclassed Yakkul’s military by magnitudes could not have helped his performance anxiety.

Celestia turned her head and spoke to him over her shoulder.

“You may go.”

She made no effort to hide her boredom as he withdrew and dismounted.

The prince tried to leave with dignity but he was clearly in a hurry to escape.

“Teacher! Say something nice to the poor guy. He’s so terrified of you I think he’s gonna wee himself.”

Celestia took deep breath, closed her eyes with forced patience, and spoke.

“Young Prince Tajrahaz, you have very much to learn of bedroom matters. But thank you for your attempt. If you like, we shall continue ‘private discussions’ another time.” She took another slow, deep, breath. “Try to relax. I won’t eat you in any blood and bones literal sense of the word…”

“Th-Thank you, Highness. I promise to do better, for the honor of Yakkul.” Less tense now, he bowed and left the Royal chamber.

“…probably,” Celestia added dourly after the door closed.

“Now, Twilight, my nocturnal and diligent student, please tell me what do you need in the middle of the night so much that you had to interrupt that little fiasco? Not that I don’t thank you for the excuse to end it, but I haven’t gotten laid in your lifetime. The yaks, bless their furry, superstitious, hides, sent me an ickle virgin princeling as if I had demanded a blood sacrifice. What I need right now is a terrible hoary old goat of a War-General who knows how to service a lady of standing. I’m looking for bruises and broken furniture not weak tea and sighs.”

“Princess, what did you call Tangent and me before you opened the portal to his world?”

“I think you heard me well enough. This is why I do not tell you jokes for an entire week before any important meeting. You both sware by my name as you rutted like animals. I could hardly ignore such an oathtaking. Thus, you and the human are wed.”

“Gosh, I wonder if he realizes!”

“Hopefully he was a little more attentive than you were. Did it really take you seven days to notice? Perhaps you are enjoying your honeymoon o’ermuch.”

“Fie. I have been working and only just realized what I heard. What even made you intrude on us? I masked the magic of the gender swap spell. We just wanted to have a little harmless kink before I complied with your command banishing my lover because of some half-baked legend.”

“I scarce detected the emanations of that spell, you hid your casting very effectively. Your magic continues to grow more powerful. One day yet you may have my head on a pike, oh my student.”

“Head on a pike? You should have seen Tangent’s head on my pike moments before you crashed the party.” Twilight leered “If you know what I mean.”

“I sincerely hope that whatever portion of your intellect which does not reside between your hind legs is aware that your self-regulation of social conduct leaves much to be desired at this time.” Celestia cleared her throat. “Frankly I am well impressed you pulled off a spell like that so successfully. Your fellow even smelled like a real female, hot and ready, I really must commend the skill with which you break the law. It was the lust spell after the change that forced my hoof to take immediate action. Else would I have turned a blind eye to your intimate shenanigans and discussed destiny and prophesy once you had sent him home yourself. What did you think you were at, casting something like that? It’s not as if you two did not already have a surfeit of lust going on, so mutually besotted you are.”

“What lust spell are you even talking about? The only other spell I cast was a quick teleport to somewhere I thought we might get some privacy.”

“No other spell? I felt the power draw on the astral plane. Cadance felt it, far away in the Crystal Empire. Luna’s pen-pal from the moon has written to ask what the buck we were up to down here. Princess Cadance estimates a strongly-effected area of some hundreds of kilometers centered on Ponyville. You cast it about five minutes after the gender change spell. Seconds before I arrived.”

“Hmmm, after we retreated to our private chambers, I was teasing Tangent, made him tell me exactly what he wanted me to do to him in his mare form.” Twilight sighed at the memory. “What he told me was sooooo hot, a florid fantasy of fabulous fornication. I almost came just listening to his words… You don’t think that was it?”

“I do think so. Your earthpony consort was able to tap into your power and wield it such that his sweet words to you were strongly empowered; you two were not the only pair drawn together. And perhaps you failed to notice the spell he made of his vow to you?”

“Um, well there was a lot of ‘magic’ hanging down between my hind legs about then. He pledged himself to me by your name, I caught that much.”

“I could hardly have cast a stronger spell than whatever he did with your power. Two major workings in as many minutes, by an earthpony no less.” Celestia looked thoughtful. “Hundreds of mares were affected; at least six hundred got pregnant that night, we’re still counting.”

“What‽”

Celestia laughed “You haven’t noticed, have you, my precious, beloved, myopic, love-sick-foal of a student. What has been occupying your mind for the last three days, as if I could not guess? The splash aura from his lust spell drove mares mad across the land – perhaps you’ve heard a rumor that even I have attempted to find a partner. I may have to press all skilled magic users above level three into emergency maternity training to deal with the wave of births we expect in early fall. As I said, we don’t even have a full count yet, but we know many scores of foals were conceived that night. We will need to build new schools before the population boom gets old enough to need them. The calendar for birthdays is going to be lopsided for the next century. We have a lot of work cut out for us. Even if we never see your Tangent again he has left a mark on Equestria that will not be forgotten in a thousand years.”

“Have no doubt, Princess,” Twilight spoke confidently, “I will see him again. In the mean time, I have a suggestion for you.”

“Say on.”

“Give that poor yak a real chance. He’ll learn, if you don’t scare him to death first. Or send him to an ice mine for the crime of being a beginner at the art of princess banging.”

“And you are the expert on the care and maintenance of a lover since what century?” Celestia spoke archly.

A fraction of Twilight’s restraint slipped, but not her manners, not this time. “Since the very century,” she spoke with cool, false, calm, “wherein an innocent purple mare found that Dr. Gudlun was including a libido suppressant in her vitamin shot. I discretely neglected to inquire of him by whose order he did this thing – you of all ponies will appreciate that my sense of tact is not actually non-existant. But he nigh shat himself when I confronted him. That may be indictment sufficient, methinks. If there was any doubt, I withdrew myself from treatment.”

“Oh. OH. Oh. Um, big weather we’re having?” Celestia dissembled. It would seem another well-meant action had gone wrong. Terribly wrong, disastrously wrong! Didn’t she tell him to discontinue the shots once the situation had passed? That was over a decade ago and under no circumstances should that medication be used for more than a year!

Twilight continued, “just be friendly, treat your yak nicely, teacher. You don’t even have to love him, just be nice. Somepony whom I revere deeply but who frustrates me to no end assures me that friendship is important.”

Celestia snorted, her displeasure at Twilight’s sarcasm momentarily masking her worry about the shots.

“Don’t you have a spell to break? If you can, that is. We will discuss ‘half baked’ prophesy another time. It is late, and if I am going to be hoofing myself again tonight, I am going to go find some ice-cream and have a good pout after.”