Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

Late morning in Canterlot Castle found Luna fast asleep.

Warding the slumber of ponies each night had been harder work of late. For a month now there were bad dreams ahoof in Equestria that didn't even come from this world. As soon as she'd put the moon down in the morning she was ready for her rest. Coffee had kept her going long enough to pass on a few trivial matters to the day shift. She would not be holding court today with Celestia, there was no need to limit herself to a nap - she might even slumber the whole day until it was time for her to raise the moon again.

It was with some surprise that Luna woke to realize that she was in the old, old, nightmare scenario of being stalked in her bed. There was definitely an unexpected presence nearby. Her room in Canterlot Castle was heavily curtained to accommodate a daysleeper - she lay rigidly still in the dim room and stared at the ceiling far above her. She tried to recall what had woken her. A sound? Before she could gather her magic to telekinetically open the curtains and shed some light, there was a movement under the covers! Grabbing at the sheet to throw the linens from from the bed, she found something, or somepony, was kissing her thighs most brazenly, nearing her mare-parts.

“I will give myself to you, Luna,” the whispered voice was husky with sex, “if you can just get a message through to Tangent.”

The speaker's lips returned to Luna's legs, the gentle kisses traveling towards an untouched part of the princess' body, warm and delicate in their ministrations.

“Twilight‽” Luna scrambled to the head of the bed before her virtue could suffer sweet oral compromise and sat there gasping for breath. “Thou hast nigh afrighted me to death! What doſt thou?”

“If you will convey a message to Tangent I will give myself to you. Deal?”

“No, no, no, forſooth, verily and indeed, NO!”

Luna was wide eyed and frantic.

“Why not? Don't you want me? I'm not buying your 'asexual' charade.”

“Yes, I do, I do deſire thee. But also I love thee too much to bed thee and sin against thy relationſhip with the one thou truly lovest." She scooted a little further away. "Thou dost not love us, neither romantically nor fleſhwiſely, and we are not so venal a mare as to sate our own yearning to thy loss. Torment us not thus, precious one.”

“But he needs to know that I'm trying! I'll do anything to get a message to him. I can wait as long as it takes to bust through Celestia's spell. I've got centuries, I won't give up, I'm going to keep trying the rest of my life if it takes that long. And I know he is strong enough to wait too. But he needs to know that I am trying. I wonder if I should tell him to go into stasis until I get through? All this is my fault for trying to push him away so many times, so many times I told him I would find another. It's been weeks now, what if he—”

Luna had regained her composure and silenced Twilight with the light touch of a hoof on her lips.

“Becalm thy teats, my little pony. We sent him meſsage already, by way of Sir Leon. Some weeks thence – scant days into your separation.”

—

Luna stepped into a nightmare in progress.

The dreamer was running from a dream monster too terrible to submit to being named: it was his former rival Dylas, but now towering two and a half metres tall. Dylas' indescribable body was tanned and muscular, glossy with sweat, naked, and possessed of a bountiful bouquet of an uncountable dozen absurdly immeasurable fifty centimetre prehensile penii lunging hungrily from his groin. Roiling with unknown emotions, stars of infatuation gleamed in his bright, overlarge, eyes; the lecherous organs twining after their prey mewled and dripped with lust.

“Can't we just make war,” Leon howled, “not love?”

A dark figure stepped between him and the creature - a midnight blue alicorn with a crescent moon on her flank, surrounded by black clouds.

“Away thee, monster! We would have words with this one.”

“Thank you,” said Leon, panting, “you know it is with dream monsters, your own mind always knows what will turn your knees to jelly. What can I do for you? You are not by chance the 'Celestia' who has bedeviled my boon friend Tangent?”

“We are not she, though we know her.” Luna smiled without explaining further. “But we do bear meſsage on behoof of Twilight Sparkle to this Tangent thou speakest of. Twilight is banned entirely from dream magic and interworld portals are closed to her at this time. She works tireleſsly to circumvent this restriction. She sends her love, fervent and unabated, to thine friend.”

“I will not fail to pass that on to Tangent if we meet again.” Noting Luna's quizzical look he added, “Tangent and I are from different worlds and different times. Our meetings in dream-space are unpredictable.”

“We thank thee for thy effort, Sir Leon.”

“One question, Lady. Do all of you magic horsies treat your lovers as badly as Twilight does?”

—

Luna remembered the shame she had felt for ponykind when Leon had asked her that question. Best not to mention that part of the conversation to Twilight, at least for now.

“You did?” Twilight asked.

“Aye.” Luna nodded. “It was not easy to find him in his dream, but this thing we did, for love of thee.”

“Oh, Luna, you are the best! Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'm so sorry for throwing myself at you. I was at wits end.”

“Thou wert well beyond their ending, an thou aſketh us!”

“I'm sorry, Luna.”

“We know th'art direly beſtreſsed by thine current separation but as we have said, thou must keep thyſelf together to overcome. In a sense, we see this as one of our sister's abſurd tests.”

“A test?”

“She would bear the fate of Equestria on her own shoulders. But now she is unsure if your truelove is the pony mentioned in some half-forgotten prophesy, so she leaves the choice to fate. When thou succeedeth, surely she will take that as something of a sign.”

“I see.” The younger princess pursed her lips thoughtfully. “What message did you send Tangent?”

“Saith we unto him: ‘Neener, neener, Tangent, bucketh thou. Know that we, Twilight, haſt run away with Luna, for she art best pony. Hurr, hurr, hurr, goodbye forever, Twilight.’ But of course we jeſt. We sent him thy love and promiſe of hard work to break the spell.”

“Oh, you!” Twilight laughed “This'll teach you!”

She launched herself at Luna and kissed the princess full on the mouth. She tasted sweetness and lost possibilities on Luna's lips and found herself lingering. The kiss stretched to minutes, finally it was Luna who pulled away with a deep sigh.

“All thou haſt taught us,” she said “is to more keenly regret that thou did slip through our hooves. We comprehend the matter not. We honorably kept our feelings hidden while thou wert clearly not ready for an intimate relationship. And then thou matured: overnight as 'twere. And found love elſewhere.”

“Oh, Luna.” Twilight was humbled to see her friend's sorrow - sorrow that she could not cure. “I might have a theory about that 'maturing overnight' part.”

Luna snorted angrily and stomped. “Sordid sloppy cloacal congreſs uncomfortable and untidy!” she swore. “How could we have been so blind! ‘Special’ vitamin shots, we deem?”

“Yes, but technically I only have a very strong suspicion about some of the details. I'm not going to ask how you came up with that idea on your first guess.”

“Oh, mine siſter, what hast thou wrought?” Luna held her head in her hooves and sobbed. When she looked up at Twilight she was still weeping but her eyes shone through tears; her smile was lost and beatific. “Mine most precious Twilight, thou can in no wise comprehend how happy it made us when we saw how much in love thou and Tangent are. Our loſs, however it be engineered, can hardly be loſs at all in the face of thy happineſs. Do not dare to give up on him. Break that pernicious spell and bring him home. By my teeth and troth, he belongs at thy side, here in Equestria!”

—

The interview was nearly at end and Leon wanted to know more about these creatures. His friend was in love with one of their princesses and it irked him that he knew so little about them.

“One question, Lady”, he asked the messenger, “do all of you magic horsies treat your lovers as badly as Twilight does?”

Luna's cheeks burnt with shame. Just how badly had Twilight behaved towards her offworlder beau in the early days of their oddly troubled courtship? Twilight wasn't a cruel mare - Luna was certain of that, she knew it in her heart. What could have gone wrong?

She considered for a moment how to reply; she didn't have the whole story. Twilight's actions may have been clumsy (that was easy to imagine, she thought ruefully) or even unkind, but Luna would do what she could to improve Twilight's reputation, if only in comparison.

“Thy friend, good knight, is much beloved of the Princeſs, Twilight. For her sake I forgive thy impertinence, mostly. Learn thou something of ill use.”

Luna smiled at Leon and shrugged.

“Run,” she said.

A crashing in the brush signaled the return of the polyphallic Dylasbeast.

Raising her voice she called loudly, “tag us out, monſter, we have something for thy conſideration!”