Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

“Thank you for taking time off to attend our little do the other night,” he said as he pushed a small cart into the Ponyville Castle secret library where Twilight was working far into the night, “it really meant a lot to my fiancé and I. Of course we hope it was no impediment to your efforts.”

“It was no problem, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” Twilight replied.“But why are you here? And why the silly get-up?”

Discord was wearing a Prench maid costume in skin tight, glossy, latex; the tiny miniskirt was too short to cover the rather substantial bulge in the hotpants he wore under it.

“Because it is two in the morning and your tummy is growling so loud I could hear it over Flutters’ howling. She is asleep now, and so, voila!” He whisked the cover off the dish revealing sandwiches and a steaming mug of tea.

“Wow, service under a bell! Thanks, Discord!” Twilight dove into the snack.

“By the way,” the princess said after her first bite, “I’m sorry about Celestia razzing Fluttershy.”

“No, no, no, little Twilight, it is not your responsibility to apologize for my ex’s behavior,” Discord said kindly. “Her heinous’s rain has been ever frot with such perils—” Discord snickered at his own use of homophones of questionable reverence “—and my beloved handled the Princess quite competently.”

“I don’t know what ‘Shy said—”

“(Nor need you)” parenthesized Discord.

“—but Celestia looked like she was about to blow wine out her nose!”

“I believe that is an accurate evaluation of her condition.”

“Anyway, I suppose I should get back to work. Thank you for the snack.”

“My pleasure.” He bowed. “And how does go your magery?”

“It’s progressing. I’m not going to push myself to the cracking point unnecessarily, I’m not staying up for days on end but I’m keeping pretty busy.”

Discord had his own opinions as to how much effort was or was not necessary.

“I don’t suppose you’d be able to help?” she asked after a moment.

“I don’t dare.”

“No worries, you don’t want to anger your ex I understand.”

“You understand nothing little Princess.”

“I beg your pardon!” she exclaimed. “That was a bit salty, wasn’t it?”

“Pardon granted.” He waved his claw hand in an airy gesture of gracious dismissal. “I should hardly blame you if there are a few gaps in your education.”

“What gaps? I’ve studied almost everything there is to study.”

“I imagine the topic of moi was not covered in depth. For example you might not know that in addition to my exemplary interior decorating skills, I don’t mix at all well with either time travel or prophesy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let us start with basics.”

Discord snapped his fingers and they were suddenly floating in the midst of nowhere. Twilight frowned to find herself in the body of her pre-teen self, though she was somewhat mollified to find that she had her wings.

Nearby, a stream of water flowed from, and to, infinite distance without so much as a ripple.

“Imagine time, little Twilight, like a stream, flowing perfectly smoothly.”

“Laminar flow,” she commented, trying to sound very wise.

“It’s a rather weak metaphor, but the best I’ve come up with. It seems to me like there is another flow of time, time outside of time, and I don’t pretend to understand what is going on. But imagine that this flow is disturbed.”

“By what?”

“Maybe a foalish young mage time travels for dessert and spends a five bit coin that was minted in Celestial Year one thousand thirty three back in the year one thousand twenty nine because that’s when the ice cream shop which imported the berry ice cream that she loves so much shut down.”

“Oh.”

She hadn’t thought of checking her money before spending it in the past.

“What happens?”

Discord swept his hand through the water, disrupting the flow, leaving ripples and tiny whirlpools behind.

“Turbulence. Chaos.”

“But you like chaos! That’s what you live for.”

“Oh, I like chaos all right! But this is the kind of chaos that kills ponies, and I do not like that. A foal looks both ways before crossing the street to see what the excitement at her father’s ice-cream shop is, and is crushed under the wheels of a cart that literally was not there when she looked. The team pulling the cart never see her. A mage adds the reagents to his vat in the right order, but due to a time swirl they get there in the wrong order. Boom. A mare is a little too froward, remembering a date which hasn’t happened yet, driving away the stallion she would have married, and a family is never born.” He paused for breath. “I’m sorry, I’m getting a little upset. Each little whorl of disordered time casts events out of sequence. The results can be fatal.”

“I caused all that?”

Discord slapped his paw down onto the table. When he raised it, a five bit coin remained. Year one thousand thirty three.

“You’re welcome.”

“How did you know? How did you stop it?”

“I have a very keen sense of detecting anachronism; it’s one of the ways I avoid causing time disasters myself. And—” he cracked a grin, almost returning to his typical lighthearted self “—I happen to like some of the same flavors of ice cream as you.”

“Why’d they go out of business? Everypony loved their ice-cream.”

“I had to pressure the proprietor to relinquish the coin you left in the past. He thought that the Royal Mint had made a mistake and he was going to display to coin to attract customers. In spite me paying a hefty premium to take it off his hooves, the experience soured his attitude. Customer service suffered and the business failed.”

“But that forms a loop. What was the causative event?”

“Best not to think too much about it. Better yet, don’t mess with time without a very good reason.”

“What about my time fight with Starlight Glimmer?”

“It is a miracle that you pulled that one off, you may colour me impressed. I’m surprised we didn’t all end up as sentient quesadillas with tentacles.”

“Eww. Wait a second. If you can’t do prophesy how do you know what would have happened?”

“Those were examples of what can go wrong. You can be sooooo literal, little Twi-Twi.”

“I guess I never know you felt so strongly about ponies.”

“Being in love can change a monster. And what good is chaos without my ponies to be entertained by it?”

“You aren’t a monster, Discord, not anymore. And since when are we your ponies? What happens if you time-travel?”

“I think timebreaks.” He slapped the floating stream with the flat of his scaly hand, causing the entire flow to shatter into cascades and loops and crossflows. “I haven’t tried it, but it would be worse than just a little stirring up. What happens to a mortal pony if one minute he is thirty years old, and the next minute he is five thousand, and then thirty again? He’s dead. What happens to an office building if the cornerstone reverts, however briefly, to primal lava? How long can a pony stay sane if she lives the same day a hundred times? A million? That’s if I time travel. Now, if I dabble in prophesy what happens is the worst possible outcome takes place. You don’t think Celly defeated me that first time without a major tactical blunder on my part? Do you still want me to try to help you with your prophetic problems?”

“Uh, no! This has been very informative, Discord. Why hasn’t Celestia taught me any of this?”

“Because disparaging a former lover behind his back is beneath my liege’s dignity.”

“I know that! I meant the time stuff.”

“Simple. You have now greatly surpassed your mentor in this topic.”

“You mean I can teach her something‽”

“No!”

Discord stomped his one cloven hoof.

“Ahem, I mean, no, Twilight.”

“Don’t you trust her with this knowledge?”

“You can answer your own question. What happens when Celestia realizes that the only way to prevent the fall of Equestria is to prevent its founding?”

“Oh, by the goddess.”

“Yessss,” Discord chuckled darkly, “but you won’t need to worry about facing the great mother in your sin if you are never born.”

“But, just like a pony, a country can’t live without dying someday.”

“This is true. It is also true that Celestia cannot watch Equestria die if there is anything she can do about it. In her grief and madness she would uproot time itself rather than watch the fall of this land.”

“Who’s disparaging their ex now?”

“I am merely speaking frankly and honestly to the pony who is Celestia’s most likely successor.”

“Me? But Luna—”

“Oh, pshaw!” Discord exclaimed primly. The top hat and monocle made for a strange contrast with his maid costume. “Her nocturnal Highness is an excellent pony, but if Celly dies, you will find yourself saddled with the crown before it even cools from the warmth of her brow.”

“Nonsense! Celestia has to live forever, she is Equestria. And Luna—”

“Will probably be the first pony to swear fealty to Queen Twilight of Equestria. Fealty, and absolute obedience. Quite a pledge, from a mare as attractive as her.”

“Discord! Tangent and I are married!”

“I do beg your pardon, Princess, I was only teasing. But how did you manage that? I don’t recall being invited to the wedding.”

“Uh, Celestia caught us, sorta, doing it. And we swore by her name—”

“Oh, ho, ho! Would you believe that I wrote the law that gives her the right to declare any couple who swear, acoit, by her to be wed? I got it through both chambers of parliament and she granted the royal assent, thinking that she’d never be an expression. I’m glad she got some value out of my efforts. I was ejected from the house of lords not long after.”

“For what?”

“Oh, some procedural quibble about insurrection, chaos and death, and attempted regicide. The kind of stuff I don’t do now days.”

Discord’s halo, still cracked from Nightmare Night, sprang to life, but without the angelic chorus to welcome it.

“Okay… but even if you didn’t know we were married, you know that I have a colt-friend for the first time in my life.”

“Again, I was just teasing, flipping you some guff, as it were. I do believe I read somewhere that good friends can do that. And an energetic young lady like you could surely handle both Tangent and Luna.”

Did I just call him colt-friend, again? she thought. Having a husband will take some getting used to.

“You’re hilarious, Discord!” she chuckled. “The worst part was, Celestia banished him back to Terra before I was even done doing him!”

“Surely you mean, him done doing you.”

“Uh, we were kinda swapped. I’m surprised you don’t already know all about it.”

“I try not to spy on other ponies, er, pardon me, I mean just ponies. Consider that your license to get a freaky as you want and never, ever, tell me about it.”

“Uh, thanks, I guess.”

She could imaging some fairly freaky juxtapositions involving that particular cast of three.

“Thank you for the lesson,” she said with a bow, “thank you for the visit, and thank you very much for the snack.” Only crumbs remained as Discord collected the plate and mug. “You know, I really can take care of myself.”

Discord paused at the door with his cart.

“I know full well that you can, friend. I also know you very often do not.”

Twilight knew he was right and said nothing more as he left.