Fallout Equestria: Lionheart

To be a Butler in a Butler cafe, you had to be courteous.

You had to be polite.

You had to be efficient.

You had to have a plan to fuck everyone you met.

And you had to have a fucking awful accent as forced, fake, and put-on as the rich girls you'd shag for pay.

You had to know when to flirt with the horny whores at your doorstep, how to pretend you cared about them as people when they exclusively saw you as your uniform when they weren't fantasizing about tearing it off with their teeth, and how to get them to open up their wallets.

While Sparky wanted to help every woman who came through this whorehouse's doors with their problems, sometimes they just wanted to pretend they were dating someone obligated to put up with their bullshit.

It still pissed him off that while so many of this establishment's drinks were overpriced, the “Champagne Shower Special” wasn't the priciest thing on the menu. Because that drink wasn't actually a drink, it was code for “Pay this butler to fuck you”. Buy it with another seemingly-ordinary option on the menu, and this code was now “Pay this butler to take you into one of the disgusting fetish rooms!”

He was quite sure that when it came to fetishes, he was normal. After all, even if your appreciation for... cultured... art trended towards extremes of impossible size, enjoying the sight of Rainbow Dash with swollen crotchtits bigger than a bed or a gorgeously fit bear girl more than twice his size seemed far more normal to him than enjoying the sight of Fluttershy's hooves. He was, after all, a big guy in the eyes of many, especially where it counted. He had great big amounts in the place where it counts, but any smaller females willing to spend time with him would NOT be left feeling like a sunshiney day if they wanted to take a crack at his enormous penis, and thought the issue of the size difference would just melt away.

In any case, the first girl of his shift came through the doorway, and he was quick to pounce upon her, metaphorically speaking, because she wasn't a prey animal.

The girl was a ginger-haired Spider girl in an elegant white gown that went nicely with her orange body and four arms, though it covered nothing below her waist. Below the waist, barely hidden by a black skirt, she bore the lower body of a real-ass motherfucking fuzzy fluffy orange spider. But it wasn't cutely tiny, it was seemingly size-magicked up to an excessive height with the intimidating width of a queen-sized bed, she had a big spider body and extended spider ass and no less than six big hairy spider legs. He noticed two sets of two tiny eyes at the front along with two sharp-clawed little arms meant for grabbing something and holding it close, and he noticed a skimpy red pair of panties between those grabber legs and between her eyes, as though her spider pusspuss could be found there. Though there was also a chance she had another hole or two at the back of her spider body, concealed by her skirt. In the way that the mythical centaur was said to have the body of a gorilla and the head of something else attached to a normal quadrupedal body, hers was the slender body of a supermodel with beach-ball tits and two sets of two slender monkey-like arms. Around her thin waist, there was a corset of no less than sixteen black belts with golden belt buckles, and her furry spider legs wore numerous thigh-highs, her orange spider hairs peeking out over their tips. Her feminine face bore two normal-sized eyes, straight orange hair, and two more sets of three tiny eyes over her thin orange eyebrows. When her main eyes blinked, her other eyes did not blink in unison, but in a cascading pattern. As one closed and started to open, the one beside it would close and start to open, followed by the next one, and the next...

She waited to be walked to a private table, one with crimson curtains around to hide the sight of anything illegal the boss wasn't supposed to allow to happen in her “Butler cafe”. These enchanted curtains could even hide the sound of screams. Screams of any kind. The perfect place to murder someone. Or get fucked while murdering your wallet. Or fuck your husband over while using his cash to get fucked by strangers, if you really wanted to SpeedRun earning a spot in hell like you're playing the most disgusting music imaginable at fifty times the recommended speed.

Sparky was sure to take this spider hottie to her private table, give her the menu, and he pulled out a chair for her to sit on, before realizing she'd struggle to fit on a Queen-sized bed and this chair meant for horses would do little for her, so he took it away and promised her he'd get her a backless seat on wheels of an appropriate size, before she said not to bother. With that out of the way, he said some charming “Welcome to our shithole, buy our crap” bullshit only sexily, he paid no attention to it while he began mentally dividing up the length of this shift in his mind so it wouldn't seem quite so long.

“May I take your order?”

“Sit,” The Spider girl ordered, pointing to a second seat. “That's my order, for now,”

He took a seat, as ordered, and the plush comfortable red leather chair with shiny gold spray-painted metal frame was only slightly too small for his big lion-horse ass. “Very well. I am, after all, your humble and faithful servant for the day, mistress.”

She smirked. “I'm new to this sort of place... Though I heard good things about it on the web.”

Sparky laughed in a dignified and fake manner that sounded decently real. “The web! Oh, that never gets old! You're too funny, darling.”

“No, the actual web,” She grinned. "Didn't mean to make a joke there."

“Oh,” He looked down. “My apologies, ma'am.”

“Is it true that I can order you around however I please?”

“Within reason, my darling, and for a price.”

“Tell me about the biggest burger you sell here.”

“If I may, I'm sure the Big Momma Burger could satisfy even the hungriest and largest customer-”

“Seductively. Tell me about the burgers, seductively. Like an old pre-war advertisement!”

He inhaled deeply, and tried to think horny thoughts. Twilight Sparkle's tight ass... Fucking Twilight Sparkle's tight ass... Cucking Twilight Sparkle with Rainbow Dash- No, no, the very thought of that hurt his heart. That was fucking degenerate. Sharing Rainbow Dash together with Twilight Sparkle... Now that was the ticket! Now his heart was pounding! Their faces, their yelps of joy and lust and love and just a little bit of pain but mostly joy!

“For just sixty five bits, paired with a complimentary glass and bottle of delicious red wine aged naturally over twelve years before magic accelerates its ageing even further, we have, for your consideration, the Big Momma Burger. Four tantalizing patties crafted lovingly from real Angus beef, and real Wagyu beef, one hundred percent grass-fed beef that has never even seen booze or a pill or a hormone or a spell in its life, summoned into being from the Meat Dimension through the Great Aether by the greatest mages money can buy in one of the few places in this Stable free from anti-magic crystals, followed by a burger of purest Unicorn meat guaranteed to have real magic in every bite that can heal the wounded and cure the sick, and a fourth burger with EVERY. SINGLE. Tasty, forbidden, WRONG meat we can think of!”

“Which meats?” She moaned.

“Prized plus-sized Pig! Wild boar! Dairy cow meat, and Dairy cow tit meat! Alligator! Puffin! Bullfrog! Crow! Python! Hawk! Naked mole rat! Eagle! Viper! Crustacean! Bison! And over fifty more! Each succulent real meat burger is fifteen inches tall and thirty inches in diameter. Two equally wide sesame seed buns struggle to conceal this monstrous meal... Optional lettuce and tomatoes, over a pound of each, can be added to the burger for customers with omnivorous diets. Over fourty slices of Equestrian and Skimalayan cheese can be found between each burger, mixed with garlic mayo, garlic, mayo, blue cheese sauce, rare Skimalayan ketchup, purple cheese sauce, pickles, black garlic butter, paprika onions, fresh crispy onion, a unique blend of seventeen herbs and seventy six spices forbidden in over one hundred and nine countries, fourteen slices of streaky bacon slowly pan-fried lovingly by expert chefs...”

“Oh... my!” Her nipples hardened visibly, poking lewdly at her elegant outfit, and the tiny spiked legs at the front of her lower body kicked around in the air, as though grasping at something, trying to leg-lock a lover.

Distracted by the thought of fucking her, he forgot his sultry voice, reverting to the voice of a monster truck announcer. “And this burger isn't topped with an olive, that's pussy shit! We've got an entire spear of pure light magic piercing this burger and holding it together, infusing this meal with over one thousand zetablutzes of real magical energy! If you can't lift a boxcar after trying this burger, you didn't eat enough of it! And this spear of purest light energy isn't tipped with one olive! It isn't tipped with two olives! It holds this burger together and it's tipped with an entire well-bred and expertly-breaded bull testicle filled with chocolate and deep-fried!”

“I want it! Get me one, now!” She moaned, her slit pupils pulsated and dilated in time with her heartbeat. “Oh, and get me a family-sized bowl of spaghetti feet-a-chuuni with meat sauce, hold the noodles,”

Wait. A bowl of melted cheese and meat sauce without the noodles, that would mean...

“A bowl of melted cheese and meat sauce?” Sparky raised an eyebrow, ignoring the rage of one of his ancestors whose blood and piss were left boiling at the sound of such an agonizing mispronounciation. Feet a fucking chuuni? Yeah, have it with some eighty HD meds and a bottle of red winnie, bone apple tea.

“Indeed,” She whispered.

Sparky swiftly trotted off to get the weird shit she wanted, returning with the bowl of meat sauce. “Our expert chefs are preparing your burger and summoning its ingredients as we speak.”

She leaned down on her spider legs, tilting her feminine upper body forwards and down, so she could give the offered bowl a hearty sniff. He admired her massive tits. They reminded him of ordinary mammalian crotchtits, only different. Bigger, wider. Like they had evolved specifically to feed something that needed a lot of milk to reach its full potential.

And then she vomited spider silk into the bowl.

“Are you alright?” Sparky asked, shocked, as she sounded like a drunk whore vomiting into the toilet minus the pain and the regret and the friend holding her hair back.

She continued to spew spider silk until the bowl of hot cheese and hotter meat sauce was mostly spider silk. With one of her hands, she curled her fingers inwards and raised a thumb upwards. What the fuck was that supposed to mean?!

“Should I call someone for assistance? We've had to keep one medic on-call just in case there are any accidents in the rooms for hire, but-”

“It's fine, darling,” She smiled when she finished vomiting silk. “We Spiders have to recycle our silk, as producing it takes a lot out of us. It's also why we require such a protein-rich diet.”

“Well then, I'm sure you will enjoy our meal.”

“It's awfully big,” She purred.

He tried not to yell THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

And it took an incredible amount of restraint.

His stomach growled.

“Oh, how cute!” She cooed.

He blushed, unsure what to say to that.

“Could you eat this burger with me?” She offered.

“I would love to, madam!” He smiled genuinely. “Though please forgive me, I'm forbidden from ingesting even a nibble of meat, or even a sip of wine.”

"Even if you're clearly starving?" She asked, pitying him.

"The rule is supposed to protect us from customers who'd like to feed us things that are against our strict regimen of diet and exercise."

"So can you violate the rule upon recognizing why it shouldn't apply to you right now?"

"I'd love to, but I love working here," He told the truth, then lied, before telling the truth twice more. "This place pays well and I need the money."

“That's alright. Could... you talk to me, and ask me how my day was?”

“How was your day, darling?”

“It was good,” She tried not to cry. “Mostly.”

“What's wrong?” He asked, genuinely concerned now, forgetting his detachment. “It's alright, dear, you can cry as much as you'd like.”

“I was fired from my retail job at Tangled Threads,” She sobbed.

“The overpriced department store?”

She nodded. “I've worked harder than anyone else there since I turned sixteen, and I'm twenty six now. I knocked over the clothes stands sometimes accidentally, because I'm big and... um... kind of clumsy. And my boss was a Rabbit who yelled at me a lot. But because they kept dangling the possibility of a promotion in my face if only I worked harder, I kept working, even if it meant working sleepless nights full of unpaid overtime, falling asleep in the store whenever it closed, but... but yesterday...”

She cried.

“They fired you to make room for an infuriatingly adorable little prey-animal conveniently related to one of the many many prey-animal middle-managers?” He guessed.

“No. Worse."

"Is it something political?" He guessed.

"There was this drunk man, this Rabbit, and he... he grabbed onto my legs, and he started climbing up onto my body while his Zebra friends cheered him on, and he grabbed my breasts, and I felt his tiny dick and balls on the back of my head, and... and...”

“What happened?” He asked.

“I panicked and twisted my head around and spat silk at him, blasting him to a wall and sticking him there. The silk hardened, and it took hours before the drills of Police Drones could get him down. He pissed and shat himself, too. And all the while, he shouted, and swore, and lied and called me a monster... So I was fired.”

“You were fired for defending yourself against a Rabbit who groped you?”

She nodded sadly. “They said it wasn't fair for me to make him feel powerless, just because he's a smaller creature than me! They called me a monster, and they called me a... a...”

“You can say it,”

“I don't want to say it!”

“It's alright, darling, you can say anything here. But if you don't want to say it, that's fine too.”

“They called me a Nothing!”

Sparky growled. “I hate this society of lies... We're not allowed to live here in peace and work for an honest day's wage without getting robbed in taxes. In ancient history before the war, all sorts of living creatures on this planet have fought wars with each other in all sorts of countries. Some of the prisoners of these wars were forced into work camps, and they've been treated better than us! Some of the warring nations were punished with sanctions and fees and reparations to pay after losing wars, and their hardest-working poor were still paid more than what we're left with after taxes and ever-rising meat costs! And we're not even allowed to defend ourselves when the police fail us! And they always fail us, because they're too busy waiting for a chance to arrest us and send us to the mines or the work-camps or the fucking graveyard. Oh, wait, we aren't allowed real graveyards or proper burials no matter what we believe in! Instead, we dead carnivores get thrown in garbage incinerators! They've got so many nonsense rules and federal laws, they can't even tell us how many rules they are or what they are, and while they're powerless to protect us and our way of life, they're eager to punish us the second we step out of ever-changing lines we're not even allowed to know about!”

“You understand!” She reached over and grabbed him, hugging him into her massive tits. “Finally, someone who doesn't think I'm crazy or lying!”

He hugged her back. Getting to shove his face into teats a pregnant unicorn or lioness could never rival in size... Well, that was a nice bonus.

“Those cops... They called me a bully, just because I'm bigger than the bastard who groped me! They called me a monster! They called me a bully! I know I'm a Spider, but I wouldn't hurt a fly!”

“This society wants us to think meat-eaters like us are evil for being alive despite their best efforts, and insane for not loving the cruel way it treats us. Then it tells us it treats us unfairly well, compared to the prey animals, and society tells us we should be treated even worse. It tells us we should WANT to be treated even worse. There's a war on for our minds, and if we lose faith in what's obviously true, they win. There's a war on for our faith in our own ability to tell right from wrong, and the Nobles fight it by gaslighting us twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, while denying us places where we can tell the truth without fear of punishment. That doubt induced in us artificially, when they lie to our faces so brazenly and guiltlessly we start to question what we hear with our own two ears or see with our own two – or more – eyes, that's the true power of the government's tyranny. The government lies to us about who's really in charge and how they treat the world, and who's responsible for how the government betrays those who need help the most. They lie to the prey animals for power, and they lie to the meat-eaters for fun! They're killing us and raping us for fun, and they're too cowardly to even admit what they're doing to us while their cocks are in our eye sockets!”

“It's so cruel!” She sobbed into his shoulder. “It's so fucking cruel! I can't fucking take it any more! I thought if I came here I'd be able to feel like I was in charge of something for once instead of a helpless pawn not even in control of my own destiny, but instead, I just ended up crying on you and making a scene! I'm so pathetic!”

“Do you like these curtains?” He asked her.

She held him up with four arms as though he was not a mighty lion-unicorn, but a plush doll stuffed with feathers and love. “What?”

“These curtains are enchanted. Nobody outside can hear what goes on within these curtains. Nobody inside can hear what goes on outside these curtains. We could do anything, and say anything, and no pony, no animal, no thing on this planet could hear us. You're not pathetic, you're a fucking warrior, you're a war hero! You've survived day after day in this war on all of us, despite their best efforts, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud to say I've met you! Ma'am, it's not just our job to serve food and pretend we're servants, it's our job to make everyone who comes into this building feel better, and I take my dedication to the role very seriously. I'm happy I could give you a shoulder to cry on today, hero, and I'm sure our meal will be wonderful together.”

“Oh, this is excellent! You know exactly what to say!” She hugged him once more, giving him a face full of fuckable marshmallow breast flesh. "It's just like a real date! ...Probably! I don't know, I've never actually been on one. Am I doing okay?"

"You're doing brilliantly, love. You're doing your best, despite the enemy's best efforts, and I'm proud of you."

It looked like today was going to be a good day.

Sure, this girl was a little weird when it came to her looks.

And she could be clumsy.

But it seemed she had a good heart.

“What's your name?” She asked, reaching over the table to set Sparky back down on his seat before she started to eat her meat sauce-soaked silk noodles.

“In here? Master Sparkington.” He told her. “Outside? Sparky. What's yours?”

“Shade,” She smiled. “Silken Shade.”

“What a gorgeous name!” He smiled. “You know, I've never met one of your kind before, but I'm glad I've met you today.”

“I'm glad I've met a... whatever you are, too.”

“Lion and Unicorn hybrid.”

She gasped and blushed. “A union between a meat-eater and plant-eater?”

“Actually, ponies are omnivores and eating meat helps with their brain and muscles, they were just fed a load of bullshit about the vegan lifestyle being morally superior and kinder on the environment a few generations before the war.”

“Why?”

“I don't know. You'd be surprised how many idiots regularly call the vegan lifestyle more natural than eating meat, when meat-eaters are naturally supposed to eat meat and the average vegan omnivore needs to either eat great amounts of the weirdest rare shit imaginable to get the minerals and nutrients found in meat, or pills specifically full of those nutrients and minerals.”

She reached over and grabbed him again to kiss him. “You're so hot,” She purred. “Can you fuck me so hard I forget everything?”

“I'll rock your world. And after that, I'll try and help you get a job cooking food or cleaning dishes here if you'd like.”

“You mean that?” She gasped.

The curtains were slightly opened by someone who refused to enter or look into the curtain-covered table, letting him hear the outside world, while letting the outside world hear him. “Master Sparkington?” Rocky's voice called to him.

“Yes?” Sparky asked Rocky, wondering how to fuck with his name because they'd forgotten to figure out his fake Butler name ahead of time.

“Some mare is specifically asking for you, says she'll pay triple if she can see you now.”

"Close the curtains for a minute," He said, and his friend did so.

Sparky hugged his charge tightly, and told her his home's address, to her shock. “I don't own a real PipBuck, so I can't phone or text you. But if we meet there, we can continue this, because I have a spare uniform at home. I genuinely like you and I'd love to show you a good time on a real date outside of work, even though there are normally rules against that, but I have a family that needs this money. I'm sorry, and I WILL make this up to you whenever you're ready. I'm sure Rockwell Rockworthy Rockington The Third here will make a fine substitute, and see to all your desires while I'm gone.”

“It's fine,” She sighed, which meant it wasn't really fine but she didn't feel like expressing her rage. "At least I can see you again soon, dear."

He left the curtained room as Rocky took his place, and he made his way back to the queue of women waiting to be serviced in more ways than one.

He saw who it was at the front of the queue.

It was a cow, fifty years old, in heavy makeup and a puffy pink dress.

He swiftly and gracefully took her hoof in his tail like a dog's leash, pulling it while walking her into a horny room in the back with chairs and tables concealed by curtains. When he pulled the curtains shut around their table, he asked her, “What the fuck are you doing here, Daisy?”

“Oh, darling, is that how you treat all your customers here?”

“No, I treat my customers with dignity and respect, even if they don't really deserve it. But you're the one who pays me to fuck you outside this job, so why are you here?”

“I simply wished to see your place of work!”

“Who told you I work here?”

“I asked a police officer, and once I told him I had a reason to suspect you might be about to commit a crime, he told me everything the Stable's surveillance system had on you. And then I said... Oops, I must be thinking of a different Lion! My mistake.”

“And he allowed you to leave after violating my right to privacy? You weren't even fined for wasting a police officer's time? Wait, what the fuck am I saying? Of course you weren't. Those laws aren't for Nobles, are they?"

She smirked stabbably.

"What do you want?” He asked.

“Say it like a Butler, or I'll have a talk with your boss. And if that doesn't get me what I want, I'll have a talk with my friends in the Department of Food and Services, and see if I can't have this place closed down for violating a rule yesterday that didn't exist until I asked about it.”

He sighed. Putting his Butler voice back on, he asked, “What is your wish today, madam?”

“You. Me. In the cum room.”

“You're supposed to use the code,” He explained as he showed her the menu. “First you have to order a Champagne Special Surprise, and then whatever you order it with is code for whatever fetish you want to experience with me.”

“Which one's the code for getting me in a swimming pool full of your bestial seed?”

“We don't offer that service, can I interest you in the cum hot tub?”

“It'll do... Though I know you have a swimming pool back there. How do I order time with you in the cum room?”

“You don't, you order that and I pass this job on to the guy who's into nutting himself unconscious and paid extra for doing it. It's called the Champagne Special Surprise with the Extra Creamy Nutty Mo... key... ayto... myew-fey-you-will-lee? Fucking foreign words... It's The Extra Creamy Motherfucker, it's a type of coffee with extra cream. And nuts. It's a semen joke. Because you're going to the cum room, full of nut.”

“Why do you use this code?”

“Well, Daisy, we can't exactly write 'Get buttfucked by our butlers' and 'Thirty minutes in a boiling meat-eating quadruped cum hot tub' on the menu next to 'Double bacon cheeseburger' and 'spicy pepper salad', can we?” Sparky rolled his eyes. “It's all about plausible deniability.”

“You have a room in the back for just about every fetish, including a whips and leather room, a spatial anomaly room where growth and shrinking spells are utilized to create whatever micro-macro fantasy the client desires, both a hot tub and an empty swimming pool near a supply cupboard of pills designed to magically overstimulate semen production, and there's supposed to be something plausibly deniable about any of this?” Daisy asked.

“It doesn't matter if the lie's convincing, Nobles just enjoy lies. In any case, my boss has a strict policy where the Butlers here are never forced into anything they don't want to do. If there's some sick shit you're into, you have to book an appointment with the only Butler into that.”

“Oh, but you're into jizzing, aren't you? Every male is, if he's normal and not a complete faggot.”

Motherfucker...

Why are the rich cunts always such bigots when their masks come off?

“So what if I prefer a little more than the average girl?” She smirked. “Or a lot more? All I want is for you to stand next to an empty swimming pool after taking some LoveNest pills, and fill it for me!”

LoveNest pills... powerful magical aphrodisiac drug made with real pheromones extracted from real Changelings. Or summoned out of nothingness via magic, these days, now that you couldn't exactly go into the Canterlot Mines to find a trapped evil Changeling for pheromone milking or transforming brainwashed sleeper agent duty.

If Sparky had taken one of those before his little “Befriending” session with the Rabbit girl in that train, he could have filled the floor of an entire train carriage, maybe even flooded it to a potentially life-threatening degree, sweeping innocents away in the thick white flood, inseminating anything with a functional womb through their flesh!

“My seed is not for sale. And we don't keep that brand in stock here, due to the health hazards they can pose. Sorry, but I won't be cumming myself into a coma today. I can arrange for some larger males who work here to fill a small hot tub for you, if you'd like.”

“Oh, but I heard you were the biggest male here!”

“I'm the biggest male where it counts, sure. But filling the hot tub with semen is a multiple man job. The swimming pool is actually meant for our aquatic clients, and those of any species whose kink is shagging in a swimming pool. Or almost drowning each other. That sort of thing. We keep the swimming pool empty because we're never sure whether a fish who prefers freshwater or saltwater will arrive.”

“Are you sure? I heard a rumor that a cat named Friday-”

“Everyone's heard rumors about the legendary Doc Friday, and how he's so spectacularly homosexual, it can damage the space-time continuum and make the impossible happen. Everyone's heard the story of him getting the gold medal for the fastest gay cat to ever do the Olympic backstroke in front of a live audience in a literal swimming pool full of horse semen. Everyone's heard the stories of him sucking a literal six hundred and sixty six penises in one night until each one achieved climax at Club Manhole on Secret Gay Homosexual Orgy Night. They're completely fictional. If someone that gay ever existed, why would he ever go to a decidedly straight Butler cafe like this one when there are so many gay Butler cafes out there? Club Manhole has its Secret Gay Homosexual Orgy Night every Friday, so the jokes about gay shit happening 'on Friday' write themselves.”

“I'm bored now,” Daisy told him, “I want you to fuck me, or I'm getting this place closed down and everyone involved arrested for prostitution without a license!”

“Fine,” He sighed.

“But first, I want you to listen to me talk about my feelings!”

“FUCK!” He yelled.