Scoot Pilgrim vs. Equestria

"Okay, you guys ready?"

"Scoot, I was born ready."

"I'm so ready that if ready were a pony, we'd be going at it like animals."

"Tone it down a little, AB. Keep it PG, for the kid."

"I'm not a kid!"

"You're like 15, right?"

"15 and 3/4's! I'm old enough!"

"That's a load of hay. When you're 17, you are ready."

"But what if you're not?"

"17. You. Are. READY."

"Can we hurry up and do this thing already? My arms are getting tired holding this big thing."

"Don't say it like that, it sounds gross."

"Fine. Applebloom?"

*Ahem* "WE ARE LAND OF SHROOMS!!! 2-3-4!!"

DaHaLoJeDi Presents

SCOOT PILGRIM'S

Precious Little Life

>Press Start<

.......

"Well, that was awesome."

The orange mare turned around and looked at her friends, her short violet mane bouncing a bit in the process.

Name: Scoot Pilgrim    Age: 23    Rating: RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME

Her enthusiasm wasn't exactly matched by her friends. Which is to say, they thought that sucked.

"You think everything we play sounds good, Scoot. We could have done better."

The white mare with the curly purple and pink mane turned around to face her friends, a straight look on her face as opposed to a frown or a smile. But then again, what else is new.

Name: Sweetie Belle   Age: 23   Notes: Everyone always says her full name.

"Ah'ww come on Sweetie Belle! You said that the last time! Are ya'll ever gonna be impressed?"

The yellow mare got off her stool and walked around from behind her drum set, brushing her single strand of bubblegum-dyed hair out of her face to sit with the rest of it's crimson friends.

Name: Applebloom (AB for short)     Age: 23      Personality: The opposite of terrible

"Probably not." Sweetie Belle then proceeded to list every reason why they sucked, including how Scoot's guitar was off by one key for a microsecond on the second to last note of the song and that AB needed to play louder because she thought that her drums sounded a little drowned out.

Inevitably, everypony ended up going from optimistic to depressed by the time Sweetie Belle was done.

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MORALE ||||||<==

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She tends to bum people out.

"And worst of all," She continued to rant, "I didn't sing a single note! What kind of band are we without a singer?!"

".........A mini-orchestra. Like, an orchestra, but with.....guitars and things. And you chose this song, but then you open up the next one, so you're like, the maestro. Or... something."

Scoot's answer forced Sweetie's hoof to impact with her face in the most astounding of ways.

"That was one of those questions that you're not supposed to answer, Scoot."

"Then why did you ask it? I mean questions exist to be answered, and you asked one, but then you said don't answer it because you shouldn't answer, so it, like..... a paradox, right? That how you use that? Is that how that works?" This time the hoof probably left a mark.

"Scoot, sometimes you are just.....Never mind. I mean, I think we suck, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion."

Scoot turned back to face their audience. "Well, whaddya think? ARE WE AWESOME OR WHAT!?"

The lone colt sitting in Applebloom's brother's living room was wearing a huge grin on his face.

"Heck yeah you guys were awesome!! I don't even know what Sweetie Belle was talking about!"

Name: Pound Cake     Age: 15      Fact: He hates being called 'little'.

"Thanks Little Pound!" Scoot enthusiastically said. She loved when he came over to listen to them rehearse. It was awesome to have an audience, even if it was an audience of one.

'Little' Pound folded his arms and pouted. "Yeah....sure."

Scoot could never get why he was so bipolar. Seriously, that kid could go from hype to killjoy in less than 2 seconds flat.

Applebloom took the opportunity to try and bring the spirit back to the room. "Well, if you think we're that bad Sweetie Belle, then maybe we should keep practicing. After all, we have that gig that you got us on Saturday, remember?"

It turns out that was the worst possible thing to say at that moment. The moment she was reminded of their gig at H00fBeats, she started freaking out. "OH CELESTIA OUR GIG WE HAVE A GIG AND WE'RE GONNA GO AND EVERYONE'S GONNA HATE US!! OH WHY DO WE SUCK SOOO BAAAAAAAD?! WE'RE AWFUL, ATROCIOUS, TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, WHATEVER YOU WANNA SAY, WE SUUUUUCK---"

Scoot walked up to Sweetie Belle and promptly slapped her. "STOP BEING A DICTIONARY AND CALM YOUR FACE. We're gonna do great, Sweetie Belle. Remember, we don't suck, we kick ass."

"OH BUT WHAT IF---"

"WE. KICK. ASS. There is no doubt of this in my mind."

Sweetie Belle's face had been calmed. If there was one thing that Scoot was good at, it was playing stringed instruments.

Also calming down Sweetie Belle during her episodes.

Scoot put on her jacket and headed upstairs. "Now, because of our AWESOME rehearsal, I need go home and take one hay of a nap. We'll meet back here and rehearse again on Thursday."

Sweetie Belle began to panic again. "Thursday? But what if we fall out of practice WE'LL BE SO TERRIBLE NOONE WILL LIKE US---"

"SWEETIE BELLE. FACE. CALM."

Sweetie Belle proceeded to calm her face once more. Scoot went upstairs, taking the time to talk to Applebloom's brother before leaving.

"Hey Applebloom's brother."

He was sitting on the couch, watching something vaguely sports-related on TV. "Mmmhmm."

He doesn't talk much.

Scoot left and walked down to the tram stop. She really hoped that it wasn't gonna be late today, considering how cold it was outside. Luckily she only had to wait for a few minutes before the tram got there.

Scoot got in and rode the tram all the way to Belmont Street before getting off. It was only a minute or two walk back to the apartment.

Scoot opened the door and turned on the light to see none other than her roomate. And some guy. And some girl. All in bed. Together. At the same time.

"OH GEEZ SILVER!"

"TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!"

Two minutes of screaming and brain bleach later

"........."

".....Yeeeeeeaah, sorry about that."

Name: Silver Spoon     Age: 24     Notes: Scoot's bisexual roommate

"Soooo....presumably you saw me."

Scoot had a disconnected look on her face. "Uh-huh."

"And that guy and that girl. With their respective genitals in my face."

".....Yes."

"Again, sorry chick. I meant to call you, but then my lady friend over there - Dinky, by the way - called her friend over - he's Truffle Shuffle - and....well, things escalated quickly, if you know what I mean."

"Yes. I do know. But I don't wanna know. I REALLY don't."

Scoot got up out of the beanbag she was slumping in - Silver's - and decided to take a long, hot shower.

......

"Ahhhhh." This was where scoot thought best. The water was perfect, and it gave her time to think about life and stuff. It was just like a chamber that brought her back whenever she died a little. Life without showers would be really hard. Like, super hard mode with some extra hard on top. Who could even live without a shower?

Before Scoot could delve deeper into her thoughts on the usefulness and importance of showers, she was joined by some unexpected guests.

"Ahhh, that's nice."

Scoot whipped her head around to see Silver and Truffle making out behind her.

"SILVER, I AM IN THE SHOWER!"

"Yeah chick, I can see that."

"Meaning YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN THE SHOWER."

"Aww come on chick." She leaned on Scoot for a moment, motioning Truffle to join her. "Dinky had to leave, and now we're one short. You sure don't want in on this?"

A massive blush crossed Scoot's face for a moment. "NOTHANKSOKBYE." She left the shower, leaving Silver and Truffle to each other. Scoot dried her hair and walked out of the bathroom. It was at times like this that she hated having to share a bed with Silver like this, especially considering her tendency to have a new boyfriend or girlfriend every week.

"Ok I need money so I'm gonna go beg for a job. See you later Silver."

Scoot doubted Silver could hear her over all of the screams and moans she was making. She wasn't the subtlest when it came to her indulgence in......various pleasures.

Scoot left her apartment and took the tram downtown, where most of the shops were. Her first instinct was to go to Cake's, thinking that since Little Pound's parents owned the place she could get a free meal.

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Some free food would be appreciated, too.

Scoot decided to walk the last block to the shop, where she ran into a familiar (for him) face on the street.

"Hey!" He called out as he began to cross the street.

Scoot looked surprised that this guy knew her name. Better to play it cool. "Oh hey look it's.....you, guy!"

The pegasus trotted over. "Well well, if it isn't Scoot Pilgrim!"

Name: Dumb-Bell   Age: 23    Fact: Used to be a major dick, got over himself

Bonus Fact: He and Scoot used to go to school together

"So, uh, how are.....things?"

She doesn't remember him

Dumb-Bell looked at Scoot with a flat expression on his face. "....You don't remember me, do you?"

"Whaaaaaat?! Of course I do....Aaaaa....Bbbbb.....Ccccccc......Ddddddd......." Scoot's was going through the alphabet, trying vainly to get Dumb-Bell to give her a hint.

"Dumb-Bell. We went to school together."

"Right, right! So, uh... how are.....things?"

"You said that already."

"I did?" Scoot looked confused for a moment before she remembered her previous statement. "OH RIGHT! I remember you now!"

SCOOT'S MEMORY CAM

Dumb-bell: OMG SCOOT I DON'T LIK U I'M GUNNA BEAT UP U AN UR FRIENDS

Scoot: Ohhhh nooooeeeeesss pls! Don't worry guys I'll slow him down run

AB and Sweetie Belle: Thanks Scoot you are our bestest most awesomest friend ever!

And then Scoot got her ass kicked.

"Ahhhh....Good times, good times." Scoot was too lost in her fond memories of high school to pay much attention to Dumb-bell at this point. He let out an exasperated sigh and started trotting away. "Well, I still have Sweetie's number, so I'll see you some other time.... preferably when you aren't reminiscing about our high school years. Later."

And with that, he was gone.

Scoot sat in the snow for several more minutes reminiscing about her glory days before she finally realized just how cold she was. "OH CELESTIA FUCK NO AHHHH COLD COLD!"

She promptly dashed for Cake's, running into another pony when she rounded a corner. The two of them both collapsed in the snow, dazed. Scoot was the first to sit up, her head aching and a groan escaping from her mouth. "Uggh.... Hey guy! Watch it!"

The pegasus sitting in the snow opposite her sat straight up. Scoot immediately fell silent. His brushed back mane fell back down the back of his head, and he shook his head vigorously to get the remaining snow out. He was wearing a tan aviator pony's jacket, and a pair of flight goggles. He looked about Scoot's age, but his face was more mature, more experienced.

"Well excuuuuuse me," He commented in a snarky tone. "I didn't mean to run into you. I was just trotting down the street, minding my own business, when some MARE just came barreling full speed into me! Now I'll probably be late, and these packages are fragile, so they probably didn't surviv--"

"Hey do you wanna go out sometime?"

The stallion blinked twice. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Do you wanna go out with me?" Scoot asked. She had been taken by this handsome stallion in front of her, and he was cute, not all fugly like some of the other, more butt-like stallions out there.

"Uhhh......gee, what a lovely offer, but no thanks," He replied. "I've still got to get these packages to the library, and I've already wasted enough time. But....you intrigue me. Tell you what, I'll meet you at the mall on friday and we can talk about junk." He stood up and prepared to continue his dash through the town, readying his wings so that he could hover his way around, staying just off the ground but keeping low so that his wings could still operate. "I'll see you later... uh, what's your name?"

"Scoot. Scoot Pilgrim."

"Alright then Scoot, I'll see you soon." He began to hover away, but turned around at the last second to tell her something. "Oh, I almost forgot. Name's Rumble. It was complicated meeting you!" He said as he darted away.

Scoot just sat there in the snow, confused for a moment as to what had just happened. She then once again remembered just how cold she was. "OH CELESTIA FUCK NO AHHHH COLD COLD!!"

...........

Scoot arrived at Cake's after another five minutes of trudging through the snow. She wanted to fly, but it was just too cold for her. She wasn't used to speeding through the air at such extreme temperatures.

She walked in and immediately shook snow all over the floor. "HEY MR. AND MRS. CAKE WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

Mr. and Mrs. Cake: Not really important enough right now for a proper introduction

Two earth ponies, one a tall, lanky, yellow stallion, the other a shorter, chubby, blue mare, turned around from what they were doing behind the counter..... only to see none other than Scoot Pilgrim, who had shaken snow all over their newly cleaned floor.

"Well, er, hello there Scoot." Mr. Cake turned to his wife and asked her if she could kindly go get the mop, bucket, and broom from the closet, a request she happily acquiesced to.

"So Scoot, what brings you--"

"I AM EXTREMELY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW CAN I HAVE SOME FREE FOOD!?" Scoot had raised her voice for no apparent reason, drawing the attention of some of the other customers.

Mr. Cake looked around nervously. "Uh, Scoot, could you please come here for a moment?"

Scoot walked over to the counter, only for Mr. Cake to pull her head in close. "Now Scoot," He said in a low whisper, "Could you please refrain from announcing that we sometimes give you free food? It draws the attention of the other customers."

"Oh. Alrighty then Mr. Cake. Gooooooooootcha!" She said as quietly as possible. She didn't want everyone finding out that you could get free food from the Cakes if you cozied up to them or their kids.

No less than 2 minutes after Scoot gets some food

"OH CELESTIA THIS FOOD IS SO DAMN GOOD!!!! I AM SO GLAD THAT I AM FRIENDS WITH YOU GUYS SO I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR MY FOOD!! I DON'T THINK I CAN AFFORD IT OTHERWISE!!! I CAN'T STOP YELLING BECAUSE OF HOW FREAKING GOOD THIS IS!!!!!!"

Scoot Pilgrim bonus fact: SHE IS EXTREMELY FORGETFUL. Seriously, if you haven't figured that out by now, you are stupider than the ending of that one super-hyped sci-fi trilogy of the century that everyone doesn't shut the hell up about.

^^SUBTLETY AT ITS BEST^^

"Well that was incredibly delicious. Thanks for the food, Mr. and Mrs. Cake! She you guys again in a couple chapters, probably!!" Scoot said as she waltzed out of the suddely jam-packed diner.

Scoot walked back to the tram stop. Thankfully for her, it was a short wait this time around - the tram arrived in, less than 10.....minutes flat. "Well.... at least it's not as cold this time around."

Scoot found a seat and waited for the doors to close. However, it looked like the driver was holding them open for some someone, though why anyone would take that long to get on was a mystery to her.

A teenage pegasus colt got on the train. He couldn't have been more than 18, but he could pass for slightly older. He was a bit skinny, but he had a cute face, and his light yellow-grey coat was clean and tidy, just like his brown mane. He had on a pair of large glasses, and he was wearing a thin looking jacket and carrying a small bag of books. As he hurried onto the bus, he tripped up the stairs and dropped his bag, his glasses sliding off his face in the process.

"Ah! My glasses! I can't see anything without my glasses!" He exclaimed. He started searching frantically for his spectacles on the ground. He notices a shadow over him, and he looks up to see someone standing over him, holding them in her hoof.

"Hey," Scoot says, "You dropped these."

"Uh, th-thank you, Miss...?"

"You can call me Scoot. Scoot Pilgrim."

TO BE CONTINUED IN PT. 2