Ambrosial Excretions

The transformation to alicorn was a shock, but as she sat in guest quarters at the palace, awaiting the start of her coronation, Twilight had time to sort it through her head. But for once, sorting freaked her out more. Celestia had effectively tricked her friends into murdering her and stuffed her soul into the upgraded body. Some warning would have been nice!

Spike had recognized her frazzled state and asked a guard to bring a bucket of their ‘finest ice cream’. Twilight figured she may as well; ice cream binges did wonders for Rarity after all. The ice cream was ‘Royal Chocolate Chunk’, and was easily the best she’d ever tasted.

Spike restrained himself by not asking for any, and she was half-done when someone knocked. With Twilight’s head inside the ice cream bucket, Spike opened it.

It was Celestia, wearing a saddlebag with a large package inside. Twilight immediately felt self-conscious, slamming down the ice cream on the nearby desk and wiping off the chocolate on her face. All stress relief immediately disappeared at her mentor's arrival.

“Princess!” Twilight bowed on instinct. “Was this your ice cream? I’m sorry!”

“Calm down, Twi,” Spike huffed, folding his arms next to her.

Celestia lifted a hoof to shush her, then gently pulled her up from the bow.

“No more bowing,” Celestia assured her, then glanced at the ice cream. She flushed and shifted a hoof uncharacteristically. “Ah… that’s the… it’s fine.”

“I-is something wrong?” Twilight flattened her ears.

“Not wrong, no,” Celestia forced a smile, patting Twilight. “But I need to tell you something before you have to… um...”

“W-what?” Twilight tilted her head. The confusion shorted out her panic.

“It is my duty to give you… the talk,” Celestia stood stiffly. “I apologize for not doing so sooner, but it’s rather awkward.”

“Our parents already gave us the talk,” assured Spike.

“Does that work different for alicorns?” Twilight’s eyes widened.

“Not what I meant,” Celestia chuckled, glancing away. “You see, due to our overtly magical biology, our… waste products are magically charged.”

“Waste…?” Twilight stood perfectly still.

“Our urine, feces, and vaginal secretions,” Celestia specified apologetically. “You can’t use toilets. They will literally explode.”

Twilight and Spike went dead silent, staring at Celestia. Twilight tried to speak but didn’t manage anything discernible.

“It’s a prized spell component,” Celestia blushed as she explained. “And after distillation can be used in some food products.”

“I’ve never heard of...” Twilight blinked, then took a deep breath and relaxed. “Oh thank Celestia, Princess Celestia, you were just pranking!”

“Oh right… hilarious,” Spike said, rolling his eyes as his expression blanked.

“It’s not well known,” Celestia continued while they were in denial. “The ingredient names aren’t obvious. For instance, ambrosial excretions.” Her eyes shifted to the half-eaten bucket of ice cream.

Royal… chocolate… chunk…

Twilight’s gaze followed Celestia’s, picking up the pale with telekinesis as if it were a bear trap, and turned it to look at the ingredients. Ambrosial excretions. If her eyes were any wider, they’d have popped out of her head and left on an epic adventure.

“I assure you it’s completely sanitary,” Celestia said. “It’s extremely diluted in food, and no harmful bacteria can survive in it anyway.”

“A prank… right?” Twilight asked hopefully, closing the lid and pushing it away, not making eye contact.

“Hm…” Spike seemed intrigued. He jumped up, re-opening the bucket and running his tongue inside to taste. “This is really good! Good job, Princess.”

Spike gave Celestia a thumbs up, her fading blush returning in full force. To be fair it wasn’t the worst he’d eaten.

“A prank… right…?” Twilight repeated as she stared into the abyss.

“I’m sorry, Twilight,” Celestia sighed.

Celestia opened her saddlebag, pulling out a large package labeled ‘ambrosia collection units’. What she pulled out of that box was obviously an extremely fluffy diaper.

“These are enchanted,” explained Celestia. “Lined with clouds and weaved with rainbows; quite comfortable.”

“T-this is a really elaborate prank,” Twilight chuckled, slowly backing into a corner.

“So she’ll need to wear one whenever she... goes?” Spike asked.

“You’ll want to always wear one,” said Celestia. “As your power increases your… bowel management suffers.”

“No, that’s wrong!” Twilight pointed at Celestia triumphantly. “I’ve never seen any of you in one!”

Celestia’s horn glowed as she dropped the illusion spell she had apparently cast upon herself. Wrapped around her hips was her own poofy diaper, identical to the one she held other than being larger to account for the magnificence of the solar booty.

Spike patted Twilight's side to comfort the trembling alicorn, who stared at her mentor’s diaper in disbelief.

“I can see why you don’t date, no offense,” Spike said to Celestia. “…you said vaginal secretions too, then how does Cadance and Shining…”

“Very carefully,” Celestia stared as if Spike had asked for forbidden knowledge.

Twilight stepped forward again, quiet as she walked around to Celestia’s other end to confirm. She reluctantly raised a hoof and placed it on Celestia’s behind, feeling the soft surface crinkle… and slosh a bit. Twilight jerked her hoof back, staggering back in front of Celestia.

There was a slight fruity scent back there, which Twilight had smelled around all three alicorns she knew. She slowly sat back down, looking over at Spike as he took another huge mouthful and finished off the ice cream.

Celestia allowed the pat, trying to stand regally, but her legs spread far wider than normal by the size of the diaper smushed between them. As the spell recast, the diaper disappeared and her stance looked slightly less wide.

“Luckily,” said Celestia. “You have someone that is often with you to change you. Doing it yourself isn’t an option; the waste react negatively to magical touch.”

“Right,” Spike grumbled and folded his arm. "As usual."

“Sorry, Spike,” Celestia nodded. “But as a dragon, you won’t have to use safety gear, so that’s something.”

“Sorry Spike…” Twilight repeated. She never thought she’d feel like this much of a burden.

“I don’t mind!” Spike wiped the frown off and fake-smiled. “You changed my diaper when I was little, so it’s only fair!”

“I wrote some other brief instructions,” said Celestia, floating a list to Twilight from her saddlebags. “Please read it carefully. Again… I’m sorry, but you’ll get used to it, I swear. I’ll just um… go get other things ready.”

Twilight took the list, but for once wasn’t enthused about reading, so floated it to Spike instead. He cleared his throat, getting the idea and taking a deep breath before starting to read, taking the emotional bullet for her for now.

Celestia lingered a moment while shifting her hoof about, then turned out of the room, softly closing the door behind her and leaving the package of diapers. Twilight pushed her hind legs together. She already felt a need, having intended to go just before the ceremony to ensure she wouldn't need to go during it.

“Go ahead,” Spike said, understanding immediately. “Need help putting it on?”

“I wonder if just once I can use the…” Twilight sighed.

“No way!” Spike pointed at the list. “Seriously, it says that the exploded toilet fragments are literally toxic. Somepony could get hurt!”

“Right,” Twilight took a deep breath. “I’ll put it on.”