A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL

A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL
MLP: FIM FANFIC
INTRODUCTION

Alright, where to start, my name is Jens Kristiansen, I am a 17, almost 18 year old Canadian, and the first redneck brony. A few things you should know right off the bat, I am a very stereotypical redneck so, you know, guns, cars, explosives, all that good stuff is my area of expertise. I have been shot at a few times, and don’t judge me, but I like it, don’t know why, just do. English, or writing in general does not exactly hold my attention (still in grade 10, failed all English classes, best mark was 23%, and got 98% in welding, go figure) I don’t usually speak in an accent, but sometimes I sound like Larry the cable guy. So if I butcher the language don’t bitch. I do sound a lot smarter when I write, but trust me, my verbal vocabulary is very small, and composed mostly of swears. So ya, let’s do this bitch.

Alright, let’s start this off with a philosophy. Since the beginning of time there has been the ongoing battle of good and evil. In most cases, good conquers evil and all is well. But in extremely rare cases, the power of good is overwhelmed and evil takes hold of a land. Often times this is where good must find an ally, a force that has supremacy over evil, but does not fit the regular definition of good. A force that can fight evil without faltering, a force that is good at heart, but simply is much too corrupted to be considered good. Sometimes, the only thing that can conquer evil, is a different kind of evil.

It was just another friday for me, woke up, bussed it to school, sat through both English classes, gave ‘er shit in construction, and bussed ‘er home. I worked away in my garage on a few projects, nothing special, just another lawnmower for some dude. (it was winter! what the fuck?) Finished that right away and decided to check out some pony content. Did that for awhile, and decided to head er to bed early, the next thing I remember was, at the time, the weirdest experience of my life. All around me I started hearing voices, familiar ones, but not ones I ever expected to hear without electronics broadcasting them into my ear, yup, you guessed it, 6 specific female pony voices. They were all speaking at once though, like they were arguing about something. At least I was home alone that weekend, because my first rational thought was to yell “HELLO?” the next thing that happened had me pretty sure I was losing it, Pinkie Pie answered. “hello? Who’s there? Where are you? Are you invisible? OOOH! Are you hiding? Are we playing hide and seek? Are you in here? No. Here? No. Oh, I give up, come on out. OLLIE OLLIE OXEN-FREE!”

Since I lost it already, I figured answering wouldn’t hurt. “No Pinkie Pie, I’m not hiding. In fact, I don’t even think we’re on the same planet.” Yup, hundred percent, I’m the first clinically insane brony. At least I’ve got company when I get tossed in the padded room. Twilight was the next to speak. “Alright mister alien, sir, two things. First, how do you know her name? Second, how can we hear each other if you’re on another planet?”
Okay, dilemma, should I tell them how many grown men watch them with the focus of a thousand college students, or just condemn myself? Alright, you guys owe me one. “Well, for the first thing, Twilight, let’s just say I’ve been... watching, you and your friends for about a year now. For the second thing, my mind is just as much of a cluster-fuck about this as yours.” They all gasped. Fuck, I offended them, well, the four I gave a damn about, Fluttershy and Rarity could fuck off. But I continued, “Now I’ve got a couple questions, first off, are you all in a private place? Cuz I’d hate to embarrass you all by talking to you. Second, how did you know I’m a dude?” at least one of them answered, but it wasn’t the answer I expected. “Well excuse me, my dear sir, but there is no need for such foul language.” Well, I hated her, but she was right. “Apologies, miss Rarity, I just kind of grew up saying shit like that... I mean... aw shit... ah... fuck... shit... AAAAAAHHHHH!!!” I could tell the four I liked, minus twilight found that amusing judging by the laughing. Then my brain kicked on the accent “Ah’m mighty sorry fr’ that, just sometimes muh brain gets a little... backed up when ah try talk all polite and I forget muh manners, jus give me uh sec.”
I took a few deep breaths to clear my thoughts when my favourite pony decided to speak up. “well, ya’ll are sure a funny fella. And to answer yer questions, yes, we are in a private place, and ya’ll jus sound like a buck, so we guessed.” I almost passed out from excitement hearing my all time, never change, ultimate fanboy, most awesome idol address me directly. And of course my brain went straight down the tubes when it came to self-control. “HOLY SWEET FLYIN’ FUCKTRACTORS!!! I’M SPEAKING WITH APPLEJACK!!? HALLUCINATION OR NOT, THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!” Everyone, minus Applejack and myself, exploded in laughter. Rainbow Dash just barely chocked out a thought in between fits. “Hey AJ, looks like you’ve got yourself a fan... BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” right about then my brain kicked back on and I realized what I said. Let’s just say I could have walked through school ass-naked carrying a dick shaped cake and not have been half as embarrassed as I was right then, as for Applejack, she sounded like she just heard she was directly responsible for Equestria’s existence. At least she was doing better than I was, she could speak. “Well... that’s... um... mighty kind of ya’ll to say... ah guess.....”
To sum up how I felt for having said that, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
It took all of the mental energy I could summon to say the next three words. “Ah’m sorry, Applejack.”

Once everyone was settled down, and I could speak, I explained all about earth, humans, our technology, my whole speech thing, and, of course, the my little pony show, the merchandise, and my personal love/fascination with it. You all owe me one; I really took one for the team there. All I left out was the violent half of the human psychology, just a little bit, right?
Now it was Fluttershy’s turn to speak. “So, um, you like watching our adventures and learning about friendship?” easy answer eh? “Yes ma’am ah do, but it’s more than that, ah like the idea of a peaceful place, a place where ah don’t need to have a loaded shotgun on the wall beside muh bed in case some jackass decides he wants muh stuff.” Oh crap, I brought up guns. And twilight caught on. Fuck. “Uh, Jens, what’s a shotgun?” “Ah fuck. Well, let’s just say... humans have... well... we’ve made an art out of killing each other.” They all gasped, as I figured they would, but I continued. “And guns are one of our methods, and... they are one of my areas of expertise... and I have a lot of fun with them.” They all gasped, but Pinkie’s gasp was definitely the one that told me I said the wrong thing, and then she got pissed. “YOU KILL OTHER PEOPLE? AND YOU DO IT FOR FUN? THAT IS... SO... YOUARESOMEANIWANTTOKICKYOUINTHEFACEUNTILYOUSTOPMOVINGAND“ “PINKIE PIE!!!” I already felt bad for yelling at one of my favourite ponies, but I couldn’t let her get the wrong idea. Plus, I was sure pinkie would break the fourth wall just to kick my ass, and that sure as shit scared me, so I explained. “I haven’t actually killed another human yet, I use guns for target shooting, hunting, fun stuff.” She didn’t buy it. “What do you mean, you haven’t killed another human yet, but you have killed? When you go hunting?” It was more of a statement, but I explained. “Pinkie, girls, I explained earlier humans eat a lot of meat. Hunting is how some of us get that meat.” Fluttershy spoke up, but she was horrified. “So... um... well...” then she blurted it out. “What do you hunt?” God dammit. Fluttershy wasn’t a pony I liked. But she is a friend of Applejack. And, I guess, she is a nice pony. I didn’t want to answer, and thank fuck my idol saved my ass. “So Jens, tell us more about these guns.” I will tell you now I will never say no to Applejack, but this made that even more concrete.
I spent the next few hours explaining all kinds of guns, from muskets to miniguns, and I was just talking about the basics, I could spend days just talking about how an M-1 GARAND works. But about halfway through tracer rounds Twilight stopped me. “well, this is all very fascinating, but I’m afraid it’s getting very late.” I looked at the clock, and my jaw dropped. 3 o’clock. Damn, 6 hours of talking. And then I realised how tired I was. “Oops, uh, yeah. Didn’t notice that. Guess I should get to bed too.” We exchanged goodnights and I was going to get a drink before I passed out when Pinkie decided she had to say one more thing. “Oh, I’m sorry for saying those mean things to you.” I gave an honest reply. “Sorry for pissing you off, and sorry for yelling at you.”
After I got a drink I went to go lay on my bed(face down). And, as soon as my body hit the mattress, I felt like I had those phones that vibrate pressed against my entire body while I was being tazered. And, just to make it really suck, my back felt like it was on fire. All I could do was scream. “AAAAAAHHHHHH, FFFFUUUUCCCKKK, SAKES, AAAAAHHH!!!”
The last thing I heard was Applejack calling out. “HEY, JENS, ARE YA’LL ALRIGHT!?”
Somehow, even passing out, I knew. This wasn’t even getting started.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: 1700 words, this is the most I’ve ever done. And there is a whole lot more to come. I hope you guy’s appreciate it. Please let me know what you think.