Cthulhu vs the Flying Spaghetti Monster

With five ponies toting pump-action shotguns and one with powerful unicorn magic, the diverse team of Pastafarians made their way through the jungle with renewed confidence. Twilight had long since given up on making sense of the situation, and was starting to embrace the idea of a group of ponies going head to head with zombies in the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  Besides, anything was better than the awful nightmares.

The ponies had been in the Everfree Forest for a few hours, and the forest already seemed to be getting dark. Even with their weaponry, none of the ponies much liked the idea of being in the middle of the forest at night. A twinge of relief was mixed into Twilight’s sense of apprehension and fear when she saw a glimpse of the ruins through the trees. They were finally approaching their destination, which she supposed was good. On the other hoof, there were apparently going to be zombies there. She shook her head in disbelief at that thought.

With the six pones mere metres from the ruins, a sickening sound suddenly rang out. It caused Rarity to shriek and Fluttershy to faint, while the other four gritted their teeth and winced in pain, trying to persevere through the awful noise. The blare was unlike anything they had ever heard; a deafeningly loud screech that seemed absolutely unnatural. It was an impossibly synthetic and unreal noise, like ‘Furries in a Blender’, accompanied by a painful yelling, screeching, and splattering, like furries in a blender.

With a determined groan, Twilight attempted to clear her mind. She breathed heavily, blocking the otherworldly song from her consciousness. Struggling to force all her energy to her horn, she dug her hooves into the ground. Waves of pure contempt swelled from the temple ruins, repelling the ponies. The magician wouldn’t give up. Her horn glowing with power, she let out a great roar. Pushing her head into the air, she released her energy.

Pure magic radiated from the unicorn. Purple waves of energy erupted from her horn in a deafening explosion. Her eyes glowed and she ground her teeth in the effort, willing the evil forces away. As the echoes of her magic rang out, she collapsed to the ground, exhausted. Tilting her head up weakly, a pleased smile curled on her lips. The foul noise had stopped. She had kept the evil at bay.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, the element of magic,” Rainbow Dash declared with a broad smile.

“Nicely done, sugar cube,” Applejack said, helping the unicorn to her feet.

“Not out of the woods yet,” stated Pinkie, “let’s get in there and get the elements.”

The cyan pegasus shook Fluttershy awake, and they both un-slung their weapons. Guns held aloft in their front hooves, they hovered through the entrance of the ruins. The other four followed close behind, scanning the area with their eyes. In case of sneaky zombies.

As the six ponies entered the marble ruin, they were shocked by what they saw. The temple was long and made of marble. It was unfurnished, save for a throne at the far side of the room. There was only one entrance. Sitting atop the throne was the most unusual creature any of them had ever seen.

He had the form of a stallion, but seemed bent and twisted in impossible ways. His green, decaying skin hung from him loosely, barely covering the workings of muscle and bone beneath. Parts of his skin were missing entirely, revealing his grotesque innards. His jaw hung loosely from his head, but it was still somehow clear that his lipless mouth was curled into a smile. Atop his head was a thin, silver crown.

“It’s the zombie king!” Pinkie whispered.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” muttered Twilight.

Applejack unloaded her shotgun at the creature, who didn’t even flinch. The buckshot seemed to be absorbed by his body, having no impact whatsoever.  His wicked smile broadened with each subsequent shot, until the earth pony’s weapon was empty.

The zombie king let out a maniacal laugh. “Ah, my little ponies. I’ve been expecting you. Go, my minions, ATTACK! MWAHAHA!”

Twilight spun around and looked at the only entrance. She couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been. Swarming through the entrance was a horde of moaning, half decayed ponies. They were headed straight for her. “IT’S A TRAP!” she declared, letting out a bolt of magic to slow the swarm.

The five other ponies hastily turned to face the exit and fired wildly. Spent cartridges and bits of zombies were flying everywhere. Fluttershy was laughing wickedly as she hovered overhead, unloading buckshot into the swarm. Rainbow Dash was also airborne, and taking occasional concerned glances at her fellow pegasus. Applejack had reloaded her weapon, and was standing on her hind legs, unloading into the crowd, screaming “GET SOME! GET SOME!” Rarity held her shotgun aloft with her magic, but wasn’t doing any fighting. She was too busy dodging the bits of dead pony flying all over the place.

“They’re so DIRTY!” she screamed.

Rolling her eyes in derision, Twilight called out to the pink pony who had taken to using her empty gun as a club, “Pinkie! Wind me up!”

“Time to call in the big guns!” she replied, bouncing to the unicorn’s side.

Grabbing Twilight’s tail, Pinkie cranked it as fast as she could, sending a rapid stream of magic bolts into the swarm.

“Empty!” cried Applejack as she backed up behind the Gatling unicorn.

“Me too,” said Rainbow Dash, flying safely above the zombies.

Fluttershy’s weapon clicked uselessly as she pulled the trigger, and she screamed in fury. With a wicked grin, she zoomed down to fight the zombies hoof-to-hoof. Bucking wildly, she started screaming at the top of her lungs, “Who’s the weakling now, huh? WHO’S WEAK NOW?” Rainbow Dash was quick to swoop down and drag her away. The shy pegasus resisted with all her might, but was lifted from the pile of death regardless.

“Probably not a good idea,” advised the cyan pegasus as she struggled to pull her friend to safety.

The fighting ponies had run out of ammo, but the zombies showed no sign of letting up. A pile of defeated zombies lay before them, but still more were swarming through the entrance. Sweat broke out on Twilight’s brow as Pinkie cranked her tail harder and harder. “There’s too many, I can’t keep this up,” she cried.

Rarity looked down at her weapon. She hadn’t discharged a single round. Fighting the undead was dirty work, and the white mare didn’t want to have a bar of it. With her friends exhausted and out of ammo, she realised that she had no choice. With a moan of frustration, she stood up and did her best to ignore the decaying flesh flying towards her.

“Every pony, behind me now!” she demanded as she started lining up shots on the zombies.

With five exhausted ponies huddled behind her, the white mare desperately unloaded the weapon. One zombie got particularly close, and when she blew its head off, bits of rotting pony sprayed her face. She screamed in dismay, but kept firing nonetheless. She couldn’t let her friends down.

The zombie king let out another evil laugh. “You can’t hope to defeat me! I control the army of the dead. There are plenty of corpses in this forest for me to raise. My power knows no bounds. I stand up next to a mountain, and chop it down with the edge of my hand. Yea. I stand up next to a mountain and chop it down with the edge of my hand. I’ll pick up all the pieces and make a little island, might even raise a little sand.”

Pinkie gaped in disbelief, before taking her cue. Under Rarity’s covering fire, she approached the king and sang, “because you’re a voodoo child. Lord knows, you’re a voodoo child!”

Here the zombie king raised a hoof, and his zombie minions suddenly halted. Rarity ceased firing. The night was still for a moment. No pony was hurting any pony. With a broad smile, the zombie king pulled a guitar out from behind his throne and proceeded to shred that shit. The two ponies completed the weirdest cover of Voodoo Child in recorded Equestrian history. The zombie king played the guitar very well for a rotting, hoofed creature. In fact, he played in a way which ought to be impossible for any pony. Once they had completed their performance, the undead lord and the pink pony were both smiling broadly and drenched in sweat.

“You guys are cool,” the zombie king concluded, “I’ll help you.”

He drew a small statuette from behind his throne and, with a moment’s hesitation, threw it down for the pink pony to observe. She took it in her mouth and brought it over to her friends, placing it on the floor for all to see. They recoiled in disgust at the figure. It was a depiction of a black, ugly creature, carved from some unidentifiable, otherworldly material. The thing was no bigger than a hoof, yet seemed incredibly daunting and terrible. It was an impossible creature. Tentacles, demonic wings, claws, et cetera.

Pinkie smiled in bewilderment before muttering under her breath, “Cthulhu.”

“So, you’ve met?” the zombie king asked with a sardonic smirk.

“Well, that makes things a lot clearer. We need the elements.”

“No, my little ponies, you ARE the elements!” yelled the zombie king. With a flick of his rotting hoof, the necklaces, and Twilight’s big crown thingy, materialised before each pony. With a moment’s hesitation, they put the jewellery on. If you can’t trust the zombie king, who can you trust?

“I will now summon the portal of plot convenience to take you to Baltimare.” He flicked his hoof again, and a purple oval opened up before the six ponies.

The six mares gazed at the portal in awe. They couldn’t believe how cooperative the king was being. Then again, when you’re a zombie, it’s not easy making friends. He was probably very grateful to meet a pony who he could jam with.

“Stop by if you’re ever in the Everfree,” he added.

Twilight placed the statue in her saddlebag.  Looking back at the other ponies she said “Once more into the breach,” before stepping into the portal and crossing the threshold.

***

As she crossed through the portal, the first thing Twilight felt was a crisp, salty breeze on her face. It smelt wonderful after the claustrophobic humidity of the Everfree Forest. Opening her eyes, she found herself atop a grassy hill, gazing out across a vast bay in the dead of night. On the opposite side of the bay, the city’s skyline lit up like a Christmas tree. She recognised the place from books. She was standing on the edge of the Cheapskate Bay which was surrounded by Baltimare, Mareland.

“See? Told you we were going to Baltimare!” said Pinkie as she joined Twilight.

The other four ponies followed shortly afterwards, and they stood side by side, taking in the view. It was a still night. They were unarmed now; there would be no more need for violence that night. Not a sound rang out across the water. They were grateful for the moment’s rest. After fighting a horde of zombies and performing a Jimi Hendrix cover, it’s nice to just stand quietly and feel the cool breeze.

“Have any of you been here before?” Twilight asked in little more than a murmur, still staring out across the water.

Four of them shook their heads, and Pinkie replied “Only on business. Never had a chance to take in the sights. You miss a lot when you’re working for the Church, you know.”

“Yea, I see that now. I guess you better explain this whole ‘Cthulhu’ business to us.”

At first Twilight thought that Pinkie mustn’t have heard her. She was staring blankly out across the bay, her eyes watery and her face vacant. The pony may have been on the hill that night, but her mind was clearly elsewhere. Somewhere she didn’t need to worry about the Cult of Cthulhu.

“You know, I think it can wait until morning,” the party pony concluded with a smile. Her fellow Pastafarians were more than happy to have the night off. It had been a long day.