Cthulhu vs the Flying Spaghetti Monster

The five ponies stared down at Pinkie Pie for a moment. None were in a state to say anything. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were exhausted from pulling ponies from the vessel. Applejack was bruised from falling over in the small engine room when the boat ran aground. Twilight was cramped from lifting Rarity from the waters and climbing the rope. Pinkie pie was doubled over, breathless from hauling her fellow ponies out of the wreck. Rarity was freezing and wet maned, with rough cuts and abrasions from the glass. The white unicorn was the most severely injured, and was appropriately the most outraged by Pinkie’s assessment of the situation. She took a moment to regain her energy, and then rebuked the pink pony with passionate anger.

“Well?” she hissed, “you think that went WELL? Some pony could have been killed in there, Pinkie! Look at us, we’re all bashed, battered, bruised and breathless beyond belief! We’re stranded in the middle of the Everfree Forest, and our only transportation is sinking, thanks to your carelessness. So tell me, DEAR FRIEND, how did you summon the pure gall to make light of this situation and say that it went WELL?”

“Lighten up Rarity. It’s all good.” The pink pony retorted.

The unicorn stared down at the pink pony for a moment. Her face was skewed in a peculiar way. She was trying, with little success, to maintain her composure in spite of herself. The anger seemed to be forcing itself through her dignified stare. Her eyes bulged and her teeth ground in fury. She was about to continue her rant, but realised it would be useless. With a frustrated groan, she slammed her hoof on the ground and pouted crossly.

“Why DID we have to take the paddle steamer, anyway?” demanded Twilight.

“I’d hoped you’d use your magic to rescue Rarity,” replied Pinkie.

“What?”

“You’re a smart cookie, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Anyway, we better get a move on. I want to reach the temple quickly. Let’s go!”

***

For some reason they couldn’t quite figure out, the five ponies ended up following Pinkie through the forest. This sort of thing wasn’t exactly uncommon, but none of them felt entirely comfortable in the evil forest. There was a growing dissent in the group. Maybe it was time for a new leader; this one was starting to put their lives in danger.

Pinkie seemed to sense the foul mood. With a disgruntled huff, she realised that some action was necessary. She slowed her pace, and looked back at the other ponies as she said “Okay, maybe I owe you an explanation. I’ve told you I think an evil is coming. A true evil. Eviler than all the evils we’ve un-evil’d before. Eviler than we can handle. That’s why I brought Twi in. Now, one unicorn obviously isn’t much help. But together, we’re the strongest counter-evil force ever known.”

Twilight looked around at the other ponies. Six ponies, including herself. A diverse group of heroes out to defy evil together. She finally started to gather an understanding. “You said you wanted to find a temple,” she observed, “you want to find the elements of harmony, don’t you?”

“I knew you were a smart cookie!”

“Er, now hold on a sec,” Applejack interjected, “what’s an element of harmony?”

“The elements of harmony are the most powerful weapons ever created. Celestia forged them herself to take down Nightmare Moon. But only the ponies who represent each element can wield them. Loyalty, honesty, laughter, kindness, generosity and magic. How do you even know about the elements? And what makes you think we’re the elements? You can’t just choose six ponies at random and give them the elements, it doesn’t work like that. It takes true heroes, ponies of legend!”

“Well,” Pinkie cleared her throat before continuing, “when she was demanded of the masses, when the elements of harmony should come, she answered and said, the elements of harmony cometh not with observation: neither shall they say, lo here! Or lo there!”

“For, behold, the elements of harmony are within you,” Twilight finished, “That’s from the book of the Alicorn. How do you know that? The only reason I know that is because I’ve been researching it ahead of the Summer Sun Celebration.”

“Hey, I read. A lot. I mean, I’m the chapter president for a reason, you know.”

“But that’s a religious text. Not a Pastafarian one.”

“Call it my little heresy. Anyway, my point is the elements of harmony aren’t just wielded by six ponies, Twi. Any pony who proves themselves can wield them.”

“That’s why you hoped I’d use magic to help save Rarity.”

“I’d also hoped Rarity would offer you the rope first. Applejack needed to honestly tell me what was happening to save herself, Rainbow Dash stayed loyal through the whole rescue effort, and Fluttershy showed her kindness by helping. I’m trying to smile, smile, smile all the way through the Everfree. Guess we’ll need another test for you two, huh?”

“You mean you DELIBERATELY crashed to boat?” demanded Rarity in a sinister, cold tone.

Pinkie stopped in her tracks and sighed. Turning to face her friends with pleading, watery eyes, she pulled the best puppy dog face she could muster. Even the adorable warmth of the pink pony’s pout couldn’t thaw the five stone cold glares coming at her. When pure cuteness failed her, the earth pony turned to her last resort. Frankly, she hated it when things got this far. She would have to try to use rationality.

“I had to, okay?” she said, “If we don’t get the elements before the darkness breaks out, Equestria is over. Everything we’ve worked for, everything we love, we’ll see it all go down the drain. We need the elements, and the only way to get them is in this forest. I knew you wouldn’t have gone in voluntarily, so I had to get you in here my own way.”

“I was right to distrust you. It’s quite convenient how you suddenly become so articulate when you need to explain yourself, isn’t it?”

“This is bigger than us, Rarity. The weight of the world is on our shoulders. What I did was wrong, but given what’s at stake, I’d do it again.”

“You’re not the one who gets to choose if we save the world. That’s a decision we need to make for ourselves. You can’t just trick us into saving the world.”

Pinkie considered this for a moment, furrowing her brow in thought. After a moment’s respite, she looked the white mare in the eye and replied, “You know, I’ve been conditioned to always think about the greater good. I didn’t even take your free will into account. I, err, I’m sorry.” The pink pony looked around at her friends. Their glares were icier and more judgemental than ever. Seeing that her apology was insufficient, she ground her hoof into the ground and continued, “I’m sorry. Listen, I did the wrong thing by you. I promise I won’t try to trick you again. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

The five took a moment to exchange glances. At least they understood her motivations now. She had wronged them all, but she seemed genuinely remorseful. The pink pony had just made a mistake. Once she’d reflected on the conversation or a moment, Rarity allowed her lips to curl into a smile.

“Well, I forgive you. Sorry for snapping at you earlier, by the way,” she said.

“I probably had that coming.”

“You really, REALLY did.”

The six ponies laughed together as they proceeded through the forest. They were convinced that Pinkie was still a good pony, if a little misguided. As long as she didn’t deceive them again, the five would gladly stay by her side.

“As long as you’re talking, what’s the plan now?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“We’ll just head to the temple ruins. There’ll be plenty of opportunity for these two to show off their elements there, don’t worry.” Replied the pink pony.

“Oh yea? What’re we going up against?”

“My guess is these weird creatures. They travel in groups, mindlessly hobbling about. They’re terrible things, feeding on the brains of ponies to sustain themselves. Once they’ve gotten a hold on you, you turn into one. That’s why they’re so terrifying. They represent the dark side of ponies. The mindless, stupid herd mentality that survives within all of us. They’re ponies, stripped of compassion, empathy and reason. They hobble about in a collective, one autonomous swarm striving towards an unclear goal. It’s like looking into a shocking, stupid, slow mirror.”

“So... COMMUNISTS?”

“Sort of. They’re called zombies.”

Here Twilight let out a derisive groan and said “zombies? Really?”

“Hey, this is serious!” insisted Rainbow Dash.

“Zombies? That’s what we’re doing? Ok, I’ll go along with this. How are we going to kill these zombies?”

Pinkie stopped suddenly and smiled at her friends. “Applejack, get the lead out.”

The workhorse returned the smile and undid her saddlebag with her teeth. Standing bipedal, she reached a hoof to her back and grinned wickedly.

“How’re we gunna take ‘em out?” she repeated. Her hoof found what it was searching for. With a swift swing of her leg, she drew out a pump-action shotgun.

“Why, with vastly superior firepower, of course!” she concluded. A cigar had somehow manifested itself between Applejack’s teeth, and she was wearing aviators all of a sudden.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” moaned the scholar.

“Now, look here sugar cube. Every pony knows that when you go up against zombies, you jus’ gotta have a shotgun.”

“How are you even holding it? How are you going to shoot it? You don’t have any fingers!”

Pinkie looked the lavender unicorn dead in the eye and said “Twilight, I wouldn’t question this if I were you. Just go with it, okay?”

“This is so stupid.”

“You’re on a quest with a group of Pastafarians to find the macguffins of harmony and we’re about to fight some zombies. I think you’ve gone too far down the rabbit hole to reasonably question anything.”

“I could just leave now, before it gets too weird.”

“You can’t do that, then you’ll never know how Cthulhu comes into play!”

Twilight was befuddled. With all her experience with academia and rational argument, she didn’t know how to deal with something so illogical. It only took the slightest dose of randomness to knock her out of her comfort zone, and the pink pony had no shortage of randomness. She couldn’t win an argument with her, because there was no way to argue with her. Pinkie could disregard any point she made by introducing a hitherto unmentioned factor. Still, the scholar didn’t fancy being left alone in the Everfree.

“Fine, let’s go kill some zombies with a shotgun.”

“Shotguns. Plural,” Pinkie corrected. Every other pony now had a weapon slung over their backs.

“Now where in Equestria did they even- oh, forget it. Lead on.”