A Noire Way of Thinking

"Spike, wait!" Twilight shouted as the dragon she spent so many years with walked away from her and back to the castle, "Please, lets just talk this over!"

The dragon did stop, his form shuddered before he let go a harrowing sigh, "Twilight, stop," He muttered as he looked back at the confused and hurt unicorn, "Don't… don't make this worse. Just go back with the others."

Twilight could only watch as the dragon disappeared to another part of the castle.

"Twilight, y'all ready to go?" Applejack asked as she placed a hand on Twilight's shoulder, the lavender unicorn flinching before swatting away her 'friend'.

"I need to have a word with the queen…" Was all Twilight said before blinking out of existence, a black wisp swirling out of existence from where she had stood.

Twilight had once more found herself near the throne of the Crystal Empire, her quiet rage festering before ebbing slightly as she heard a rather melancholic heartsong of all things… her rage simmering further at the self implications of loathing and burden… only to erupt once more as she neared the throne, the child queen upon her throne proclaiming herself the world's savior… it's chosen one.

"You," Twilight stated gravely, her struggling magic arcing wildly along her horn as she made her way before the child. Chara immediately activated her throne's defenses in response.

"You self-aggrandizing, narcissistic, woefully insignificant creature."

"I mean I did vaporize half a continent of demons and purified a layer of hell but fuck what I got going on right?" Chara spat.

"Your sense of self importance has been noted," Twilight replied as her fur began to darken, "Besides your obvious lack of political decorum, your unashamed declaration of statistical elevation to that which only the most heroic of ponies have ever achieved…"

"Okay first of all, stop eating away at your own life force," Chara replied, "Second of all, let me tell you a bit of history Celestia left out and Sombra hid away because he didn't expect anyone to find it… why there's only one Draconequus and two Alicorns… it's because they went to war with my race. Your precious, perfect little pony princesses and your hilarious walking freak show were the only survivors."

"Nonsense," Twilight growled, but her eyes tracked the book that was thrown before her. Her first instinct was to turn the tome to ash, but the librarian in her won out for the moment, her mind regarding its aged cover and spine.

"Two immortal races waged war against a group of mortals and the event nearly caused the extinction of all three."

Chara stated solemnly, Twilight slowly reaching for the book and examining it.

"That is the power of a human soul."

The child queen shifted to a more comfortable position in her throne. Twilight's magic settled as bits of her fur regained color.

"Now kindly fuck off. Cadence should be here soon to teach me how to be an actual ruler…"

The child shuddered at the thought of having to deal with all those responsibilities.

Twilight's magic flared for a second as a flat pillar of stone struck the throne's barrier.

"I don't know what you're doing to control Spike… but Celestia will kill you…"

"Alright, bet," Chara replied with a smirk as the pillar of crystal shattered, "Tell Sun Bitch I'll be waiting right here when she wants to run those hands again."

With that, Twilight was gone, Cadence walked in as a black wisp faded from where the once Element of Magic once stood.

"Twilight was here, wasn't she?" She asked with a frown.

"Yup," Chara replied, "And she managed to cram in several dumb action in about two minutes. One, she kept up with the pony's superiority crap. Two, she started using dark magic that has no doubt drained ten years of her life… and three. She ‘warned’ me that Celestia will be coming for me,"

Cadence sighed as she pinched the bridge of her muzzle.

"If I were papa, she would’ve been cut in half. If I were mommy dearest, she would have had her soul ripped out and eaten."

Cadence only nodded at this as she drew closer… noticing the child's face erupting into a mad blush as she turned away, "Is something wrong, your highness?" Cadence asked.

"Why are you still dressed like that?" Chara asked in embarrassed confusion.

“Dressed like wh-”

The princess of love took a moment to review her attire, giving a soft ‘ah’ in realization.

“I haven’t had time to get a spare set of clothing. I probably should have guessed by your age that you haven’t been taught about relationships and reproduction.”

Cadence maintained a poker face while using the most monotone voice possible. Chara was confused about where she was going with this, she also wondered why Cadance hadn't changed yet.

Nodding, Cadence sat down next to the child, her body’s fully bared glory now on sordid display.

“I suppose now would be a decent time to teach you about all this. Bodily functions, wanted and unwanted attractions… political marriages…”

Cadence shuddered for the briefest of moments before shaking away her disgust.

“You’re definitely going to need to know about that moving forward.”

"W-what?" Chara asked, completely blindsided by how asking why Cadence wasn't in a new pair of clothes had steered the conversation into this!

Cadence sighed, but smiled fondly.

“Yeah, I remember being your age too. We’ll start from the top.”

And with that, Cadence began a long, thorough explanation of what to expect as, not only a girl but as a woman with power in power… followed by how to wrap men around her finger and how to then use that finger in… various situations.

“We can go over the more political aspects once you’ve mulled this over for a day or two,” Cadence offered.

Chara, in all her earthly, mortal experience, stared gravely at Cadence. As her eyes dulled , she simply sent a humble thought into the void to any who would listen.

‘God… I’ve experienced Revelations firsthand, slew a myriad of demons and purified a layer of Hell… Why am I being punished again?'

Cadence only chuckled at the stunned child, “Yeah, I remember my first ‘talk’. That poor bandit leader…”

[POV] Canterlot Throne room

“How is there one left? The war ended several thousand years ago, they simply do not have the lifespan even if they survived!”

The ‘clops’ of Celestia’s hooves echoed as she paced back and forth in front of the royal dais. Luna responded from her position glaring out the window.

“I do not know, sister. Some abominations from our past seem to come back from the dead as of late. Perhaps the yaks will order another Ragnorok, maybe another changeling hive.”

The massive doors of the throne room creaked as a light brown stallion with a white mane pushed them inwards. As soon as he could fit through, he darted forward with a book as thick as his head and stumbled to a stop before the monarchs.

The stallion huffed between his words “I got the book you asked for princesses.”

Celestia nodded as she plucked the text from Token’s grasp. Invisible chains jingled as Celestia grunted as she was forced to use her other hand to grasp at a prominent padlock on the center of the cover.

“You may go, Token.”

The unarmored stallion bowed before rushing off and closing the door behind him. The leather bound book clicked several times as glowing chains faded into view before falling off like layers of dead skin. Several minutes passed with Celestia’s horn flashing at intervals before the book finally creaked open.

Luna finally turned from the window to walk over to her sister before asking.

“You did not destroy… that?”

Celestia shook her head at Luna’s scowl.

“No, it is only information, Luna, nothing more. To throw away such would not only be a waste, but a detriment to future possibilities.”

Celestia paused for a moment to flip through a few pages before continuing.

“This situation is a prime example of such wisdom.”

Luna snorted before peering over Celestia’s shoulder.

“Have you found what soul this abomination possesses?

Celestia frowned before responding.

“The human we faced seems to hold a rare sort of soul, apparently mixed souls are extremely unstable, children rarely surviving their early years if they possess one.”

Luna rolled her eyes.

“Imagine that, turning one’s soul into a weapon is poor for your health, who would have thought?”

Celestia ignored her sister as she continued skimming the book.

“I do not remember seeing pink or black before but I do remember red.”

Another moment before Celestia’s face lit up with a grin.

“Ah ha, here it is!”

Luna cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, what does it mean?”

Celestia's face visibly darkened as she scanned the passages.

“Unwavering stamina… saving?... Loading?... RESET?!”

The dark look transformed into shock as her muzzle turned a ghostly white.

“The power to simply ignore death and rewrite fate? Luna, we need to get Discord in here, this is serious.”

The moment she spoke his name a loud pop sounded off right next to her.

“Yesssss?”

Luna started as Celestia gulped.

“Discord, I know we’ve had our differences in the past but you must help us the-”

Discord waved a hand as literal air quotes appeared above his head.

“‘Whole world is at stake’ I know I know. What is it now, a particularly nasty bunny running loose?”
He rolled his eyes.

“Perhaps the water tastes too salty? Oh, oh, I know! You missed my chocolate rain and are now begging me to bring it back! Maybe in a month or two but it’s lemonade season right-”

“A human has appeared and they hold Determination as a core trait.”

Discord did a double take before flashing a pair of sunglasses on his face so he could pull them down.

“A what now?”

Celestia took in a deep breath

“A human has appeared in the Crystal Empire and we need your help.”

Discord blinked before collapsing to the floor in a wild storm of guffaws. He wiped a tear from his cheek as he floated into the air. He pointed a talon at Celestia.

“You”

He snorted.

“Want me.”

He snorted again.

“To help you restore order?”

His voice cracked at the thought of such stupidity.

“And you believed that would happen?”

Discord descended into mad cackles as he rolled around in the air while Celestia’s face went red. Celestia huffed before speaking.

“Don’t you remember what they did to your people?”

Discord grinned back.

“My people? Those angry noodles were all pains in the neck!”

He landed behind Celestia while laying a hand around her shoulders. He stuck out his other hand to wave a burst of power forward. A picture of the quality a toddler would make drew itself in front of the duo.

Several squiggly lines with frowny faces appeared.

“My ‘people’ were all so doomy and gloomy all the time. Never knew how to have a good time!”

Dark clouds and vaguely fire shaped pools of red appeared.

“‘Chaos is suffering’ they said ‘we are the end of civilization’ they said.”

Discord’s grin widened as he wiped the slate clean, leaving behind the only noodle with a smile.

“Those wonderful little apes not only got rid of the competition.”

The crude drawing grew and grew as colors became more defined. Within seconds Discord had faded from Celestia’s side and bled into his creation.

“But made me a god. Why would I be mad at them, if anything I should help the human out!”

Celestia glared at him.

“Then I hope you don’t mind striking a pose for me Discord?”

Discord spun while flashing a matador outfit on finishing with a dramatic flourish and a rose in his teeth.

“Like this?”

A bright flash later left a marble statue of the event. Celestia blinked as she stared at the monument to Discord’s lunacy before jumping as something smacked her rear.

“I know I know, I’m irresistible but you really shouldn’t stare, it’s rude.”

A red-faced Celestia spun to glare at a grinning Discord. She sputtered for a couple moments before being interrupted by Discord again.

“Those fancy rocks did turn me to stone twice I admit.”

He turned to the statue of himself.

“But I don’t know how they’d fare at the moment.”

He tossed a look over his shoulder.

“However, if I recall correctly, they’re suffering some.”

Discord’s voice trailed off as he waved his paw through the air a few times before holding it out in a questioning gesture.

“Separation issues?”

Celestia’s wide eyes and slack jaw sent Discord into another cyclone of laughter. Discord’s cheshire grin was the last thing to fade from view, leaving a disturbing set of floating teeth and eyes that blinked out a moment later.

Celestia shuddered before turning around and screaming. The shock of her sister hanging upside down from a floating cotton candy cloud, covered in chocolate milk, and moaning in delight sent the white alicorn into shock before the world went black.