An Anomaly Too Far

"Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it."– Murphy's many laws

Date: January 16, 2235
Location: Ponyville Hospital
Mission: Locate two VIPs for the former ruler of Equestria and ensure their wellbeing
Secondary Objectives: Find a means to contact Faust and get my fucking guns back

"I am still fucking naked..."

"Well, before anyone else comes walking in might as well put some pants on and feel kinda fucking normal."

I mean shit, this medical gown is barely covering the 'goods' as it is. So, with this thought in mind I slowly get up from my bed and stroll over to my equipment. Socks, pants and my undershirt will do for now until I leave.

"Now that I am at least half decent now, I suppose that a quick smoke break before breakfast will do wonders for me."

As I walked over to the window, I used last night and pulled out the pack cigs i had the other night and before i could even pull one put the nurse came in and ruined the moment. Oh boy let me tell ya she looked fucking pissed and i thought for a moment she was going to choke me the fuck out. However, she didn't say a word till after she put my breakfast down on the table near my bed.

"David, I am going to ask you nicely to please not smoke inside the hospital. could you do that for me?"

I nodded in agreement not wanting to incur the wrath of this horse, and made my way back to the bed ready to enjoy a nice breakfast...

"Oh, and David would you like me to send up your visitors now or after you done?"

" Yeah, you can just send them up...."

Those were the only words that i could muster at the time, because i was just so FUCKING PISSED OFF I MEAN WHO THE FUCK EATS FLOWERS FOR BREAKFAST AND IS THAT.... is that fucking grass?

"This is a fucking joke right, i bet that cunt of a nurse did this. I haven't had a real breakfast in goddamn MONTHS and now i am served fucking cut grass."

After I had my ~~very reasonable~~ bitch fit about my so-called breakfast, I decided to just put the tray of ‘food’ away on the nightstand next to me, and wait for my guests to arrive. Oh boy, I can't wait to see what flavor of weird creature might be wanting to see little old me!

It didn't take long for my so-called visitors to show up and when they walked through my door I was genuinely surprised to see who it was. It was the mother and daughter I had pulled out of the forest not too long ago. Right when the little one came into the room and saw me she instantly darted right two me giving me a tight hug.

“Well good morning to you kid, I gotta say I didn't expect both of you to come and see me.”

Now while the kid was hugging my leg the mother looked to just be standing there awkwardly in front of my bed, not quite knowing what to say.

“You ok their Miss?”

Yeah this chick was a little on the weird side.

“Oh…uh i am sorry sir i am not so good with my words…so umm…me and my daughter just wanted to thank you for saving our flanks.”

“Yeah, i can tell that from the little one here, i mean shit i should be thanking her for saving my ass from the tall blue princess, ain't i right squirt?”

“Yeah! He was acting super cool when he was protecting you from the guards, then the princess showed up and was about to throw down with you and..”

Goddamn this kid can talk and then some, it looks like mom over here is just soaking all this in. Then it finally dawns on me that something just doesn't feel right here something doesn't add up here...She was SERIOUS fucked up last time i saw her and yet i am the one still in the hospital bed. How the hell does that work? She needed major surgery. Just how good is the medical care here…or do they use artifacts?

“So Ms. Do i have a question for you, how are you even able to walk right now last time i saw you, you were not in the best of state.”

After refocusing her attention over to me she answers me in a sheepish reply.

“Well the Doctors here only had to use their magic on for a few hours and i was as right as rain, but i don't know why they couldn't to the same for you”

There's that fucking word again ‘magic’ I swear to God all mightily if every question i have about this place is ‘magic’ this ‘magic’ that i will fucking kill the cutest thing i can find.

“ Ah i see well thank you anyway, and not to be rude but i would like some time alone please.”

After a little protest from the kid she eventually managed to get her from my leg and out of the door not before offering a place to stay at her home when I am released from the hospital.

A FEW HOURS LATER

After finishing up the last bit of paperwork needed for the discharge, I now stand right in front of the hospital. Let me tell you, this place looks like it came straight out of a fantasy book and yet it is mixed with modern technology at the same time. Not only that but these Horse? Pony? These fucking people are seemingly not to fond on little old me.

Now my first move is to gather more information on my Operational Area, that means Maps, local force numbers, regional stability and so on. Secondly is to play nice with the locals, because even if i had all my guns back i couldn't just shoot my way through a whole town, and if you think you can you're either an internet commando or a super secret squirrel delta seal who’s Dossier is a solid piece of black paper.

Anyways, to get back on track I need solid intelligence first and foremost, and the best place to start would be a library since I don't think they know or have an internet. Fun times…

Now to say my walk-through town was eventful…would be pretty fucking accurate, the peo..pony fucks in this town give me a wide berth thankful keep to them selves. But i also don't know where the fuck i am going so there is a trade off for ya, and let me tell ya this town is just down right...weird with the placement of services here, and the weirdest one is right in front of me.

After having strolled through this town for the better part of three odd hours I came to the end of my rope just trying to find the godamn library and now it's almost evening and I now stand before the most ridiculous building this town offers.

“A fucking tree house….Fuck it might as well see if this is it.”

After readjusting my pack so it sits just slightly more comfortable, with slight annoyance I walked over towards the front door and gave it a knock. As soon as I knocked I heard seven different voices behind the door. Now the little voice in my head that has keep me alive for the better part of 10 years is screaming at me that this was a bad idea and i fucked up and i would sorely pay for it.

And he was right.

As soon as the door opened I was greeted with the sight of six horse girls and some scaly looking lizard kid. But oh boy it gets better now all of them are staring at me each with a different look of excitement, wonder, worry , and shock.

Now Before i could even get a fucking word out the rainbow cunt and country looking hick bum rushed me. The Rainbow one just flew into my chest full force while the country girl just lassoed my legs together. I hit the ground hard and the pack didn't help in that regard.

Now on the ground with the wind knocked out of me and my legs bound I finally sound my enjoyment in my sudden turn of events that just transpired.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU CUNTS!”

My very colorful language had caught their attention and in my outburst i swear to god the purple horse had panic written all over her face.

“GIRLS LET HIM GO, he was the one the princess was taking about!”

The first one to speak up was the purple one and she, thank the god above, was trying to diffuse the situation so you get a +1 good horse point with me horse girl. The other two however didn't agree and voiced their opinion

“Are ya sure twi? He looks mighty dangerous.”

Standing near my feet was the country cunt still holding the lasso in her hands. She was now officially in my shit list right next to the gay pride parade near my head and speaking of her.

“Pfft he doesn't look so tough, i mean i took him down in just ten seconds flat!”

I wonder if she is the work harder, not smarter type?

Anyway, the other girls finally chimed into the situation and oh boy do we have a color cast here.

“Umm i hope he's not hurt i don't want him to hate us…”

Now the voice on that girl was down right beautiful albeit quiet as all hell but beautiful nonetheless.

“His outfit is down right dreadful, such dark colors and that awful vest he has. I simply cant stand his sense of fashion.”

Annoying would be the first word that came to my head when she opened her mouth. But fate save the worst for last, I then have this pink furred girl near inches from my face and her eyes pierced into my very fucking soul. It was almost as if she was judging my entire existence and after only a few moments and thankfully? Satisfied she bounces up and runs out the door of this treehouse of horror.

Now I was half tempted to just pull out my handgun and lodge a .45 round into these cunts' heads. I knew I wouldn't make it far if I did, that being said I need to at least get myself out of this situation.

“So, you yall tie up everyone that comes through this door or is it just on certain days of the week? Anyway, before i was fucking assaulted is the library or not? I am on a tight schedule as it is.”

“I am truly sorry for their behavior Mr. David i hope this doesn't put us in a negative light.”

While she was talking, I noticed her horn glow and as soon as it did i slowly lifted off the ground with the rope coming undone and her putting me down in a chair next to the shy yellow horse girl. The two on my newly made shitlist begrudgingly apologized to me and took to their seats. Now I have a lot of questions, but it seems so does Ms. Purple over here.

“Now Mr. David i had just received a letter from princess Luna about your arrival however she was rather vague on the details when it came to you. So now that you're here why don't you tell me about yourself? Like What species you are? What's your average lifespan? Do you have a lot of friends? OH and what is your cutie mark? Oh and my name is Twilight Sparkle.”

Jesus H Christ she can ask questions fast, and at this rate OPSEC means nothing to this world so fuck it, its not like i have a rank or service number anymore.

“Well shit, nice to meet you Ms. Sparkle. So, to start off I am a human Scientifically called homo Sapien. Average lifespan is about one hundred years with good exercise and diet. I don't have many friends and no I don't have a cutie mark. Does that answer some of your questions Ms. Sparkle?”

Why do i feel like she has a lot more fucking questions, and why do i think i am not going to get much sleep tonight.

TWO HOURS LATER

So I learned a few new things about these horse girls. One, calling them horses it a big no no, they are to be referred to as ponies. Two, My work as a trigger pulling mercenary will do me no fucking good in this world, and lastly I am out of my fucking depth even more than i can imagine.

The other princess was named Celestia and ’i shit you not’ in this plane of existence moved the sun. As for the other girls I met, they had introduced them with names and what element of harmony they represent, Whatever the hell that means but so be it. However something even worse was brought to my attention, something so vile to evil that the former military man in me screamed in horror.

Hard liquor and tobacco are consider a class one controlled substance and such forth is banned in the country .

I take back my previous statement i made about this land

This is not candy land

This is hell