Chapter one: Awakenings and theories
chapter one.
Awakenings and theories
Toby awoke to a strange noise and a bright flash coming from his bathroom. He rose groggily from his bed and checked the time.
"3 AM? Just fucking brilliant." he said to himself as he dug through his closet looking for his cricket bat. "this better be good" Toby thought as he approached the bathroom door. He gave a bang on the door with his bat "hey! anyone in there?" he called through the door.
A muffled grumble was the only response he got.
"Great. First somethings in my house, now its probably drunk. Fucking perfect" he mumbled under his breath.
"Last warning asshole! Come out or I come in!" He called again
Toby couldn't quite make out what the response was, he thought it was something along the line of "Gotta study".
"Study? Great, my house has been broken into by a drunken university student." Toby thought. "Alright! I'm coming in!" he shouted. He grabbed the handle and turned, the room was almost completely black, save for the moonlight pouring in through the window. He scanned the room for any signs of life, until his eyes settled upon a strange nude woman, curled up in the fetal position.
"Perfect! I've been broken into by a drunk, nudist (or kinky) university student with narcolepsy, why must this happen at 3 AM?" He thought as he examined the scene. His charitable side begins to take over when he notices her shivering. He grabs a clean(ish) towel and drapes it over her.
"What are you doing here?" he says in a "tsk. tsk." tone as he goes to pick her up.
"I'll put her on the couch, at least then I can keep an eye on her" He reasoned as he wandered off to the lounge room. He set her down on the couch gentley, she mumbles vaguely then yawns softly.
"Cute..."He thinks.
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Twilight awakes again to find the bathroom had disappeared, "Am...I back home?" She thought, her vision blurred.
"You're awake. Good." said a voice that from Twilight's perspective, came from a giant blur. From the sound of its voice she determined it was male.
"Wha-.....where am I?" she asked, she went to rub her eyes with her hoof, which she did without issue, but something was odd about her hooves. They were....soft and fleshy.
"well that depends on why I found you in MY home at 3 AM Little Missy"
"Oh.....sorry, I was just worki-OHMYGOSHWHEREAREMYHOOVES!?" She said, noticing that her hooves were now soft, pink, fleshy hands.
"New theory. Stoner"
"Hooves?" He questioned, drawing her attention towards him, her vision now focused.
"Sweet Celestia! What are you!?" She blurted out thoughtlessly. The creature took a blank expression.
"I'm called Toby. Give me your name and one good reason I shouldn't take you to the funny-farm, Missy" Toby stated blankly.
"I-I'm Twilight, Twilight Sparkle" She replied sheepishly. Toby collapsed in laughter. Twilight, while confused by this humor, decided to examine the new creature mentally.
He had very little hair, save for his dirty blonde stubble and mane (which was messy enough to rival Rainbow Dash's). His body was long and slender, and not extremely well muscled, but reasonably fit-looking (note: stop making your characters muscley fic-writers).
"BAHAHAHA!! Twilight fucking Sparkle!?" Toby guffawed on the floor. "next thing you'll be telling me you're from a land of magic and rainbow explosions!" He said, beginning to regain control of his fit of laughter.
"Why are magic and rainbooms so funny to you!? They're serious business!" Twilight scolded. To no affect, as Toby continued laughing for a good 2 minutes.
"A-alright alright! How about we talk some more over breakfast? Say, some chicken?" He suggested
"...what?...."
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End of chapter one!!!!! Finally!
A/N: I'm sooooo sorry this took so long! School conspires against me and skyrim takes up my non-homework time. Also, I'm looking for pre-readers, I can't really show my Real life friends because they'll be too gentle (need non-biased feedback) so if you're interested go ahead and shoot me a pm and I'll get back to you after a little test of your abilities (note to self: think up test)
Chapter two: Grand theft meatball
"YOU EAT ANIMALS!?!?" Twilight raved from atop the coffee table she had claimed in the name of Equestria. An act that -when coupled with the fact that she was still unclothed- only served to make Toby uncomfortable.
"Whoawhoawhoa! I only eat them if they taste good." Toby said in his defence, which only served to annoy Twilight further, as she flung a cheap vase (inaccurately) at his head. "Hey! I'm sorry! ok? I didn't realise you were a vegetarian!" He said, averting his eyes (and failing miserably).
"WHY? Why didn't I give her clothes earlier!?" Toby mentally berated himself.
"Listen, how about you climb down from the Equestrian coffee table, put the towel back on and let me find some clothes for you? Sound good?" He offered, at the mention of clothes Twilight shot Toby a confused look.
"Why would I need those? I walk around without them all the time...." She asked innocently
Toby gave her an unamused look. "Around her we tend to cover up the jiggly bits, lit-Twilight" He stated, realising that using her 'name' might help calm her a little. Which it did.
"Alright then.....I guess I'm not in much of a position to negotiate" Twilight conceded
"....must resist....dirty..joke!" Toby thought, battling his inner 14 year old. "Good, I'll be right back from the launderette-I MEAN LAUNDRY!"
"Damn....almost won that one. you get this one young Toby" He thought as he proceeded into the LAUNDRY (see? Got it this time) leaving Twilight alone to her thoughts.
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"Tooo-bee.....Tobe? Tob'e?" Twilight recited, having forgotten how to pronounce her de facto hosts name.
"You still don't know where in Equestria you are...." She reminded herself "Draconia? Not much in my library about Draconia...." She countered.
"Well one thing's for sure....I'm not in Ponyville anymore" Twilight thought, giggling at her own little reference.
"Alright, I got something for you!" Toby called as he entered the living room once more, carrying a long sleeved blue shirt, an undershirt and a pair of denim jeans along with some undergarments and flip flops.
"Best I could do, you and I aren't the exact same size" He said tossing the clothing to her "I'll leave you to them, I'm gonna try get something without meat fixed up."
"...Thats gonna be tough...."
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About 10 minutes later, having failed to find any (fresh) non-meat products in his kitchen, Toby decided to check on Twilight to see if she was dressed.
"Helloooo?" He called from around the corner. He got a grunt and a bang in response.
"You okay?" He asked
"THIS...GUF....SHIRT..RRRG....WON'T...WORK!!!" Twilight struggled to say
Toby decided to investigate, only to be treated to the most hilarious sight he had ever seen in his life, Twilight had managed to get the undershirt on but she was attempting to wear a pair of jeans like a vest. He couldn't help but giggle at her expense.
"NOT....HELPING!" She snapped at Toby, still struggling with the pants/shirt conundrum.
"Ok, ok fine lemme help. Look here" He said directing Twilight's attention to his own pants (oh the dirty jokes the author foresees in the comments) and giving them a slight tug.
"...oh" Twilight said with a sheepish grin. She placed the article on its intended appendages and attempted to act like nothing happened.
"So then" Toby stated, breaking the silence "I don't have any fresh veggies, but I don't really have much money to spare buying breakfast....you wouldn't happen to have money to pay for yourself? Do you?"
"I don't think so" Twilight replied
"Ah..damn." Toby tittered. He shrugged and continued "Lets just go anyway, We'll figure something out."
"....If you say so" Twilight said reluctantly
"Good, I'll get my running shoes!" Toby said as he rushed off to grab said attire.
"Wait what?" She asked
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As they exited the small structure of Toby's house, Twilight saw what she considered to be, the single largest city she had ever seen. The area she was occupying currently mostly consisted of smaller buildings, but on the horizon were buildings that made manehattan look like a toy set.
"Never seen Sydney before I take it?" Toby said, having caught on to her shocked expression.
"....we're not in Equestria...are we?" She asked to no one in particular.
"....No, this is Earth...." Toby said further confused by Twilight's mention of Equestria
"Are all women this confusing? Or is she just especially bad?" Toby wondered to himself.
"....Right, Why don't you tell me a little about this 'Equestria' place on the way?" Toby asked, curious
"Sure! Where do I begin!? OH! I know! The beginning!"
"....oh shit, what have I done?" He asked in his mind
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"And those are my friends!" Twilight stated to a half-listening Toby "Got that?"
Toby looked up from his feet. "Hmm? Oh! Yeah, I got it. Applejack's speedster pony and Rainbow Dash always dresses with style got it." He said, half assing his way through the conversation before realizing "wait...pony? Really?" He asked.
"Yeah.....Don't you have them here?" she asked
"In petting zoos yeah. Ponies here don't talk or make dresses. Most of the time they just sit around and smell bad" Toby explained
"Just when you start to think someone's sane...."
"....oh" Twilight said, her hopes of finding one of her own deflated.
"Hey, we're here" Toby pointed out a small cafe. "Lets eat!" he declared
"I thought we didn't have any money..." Twilight reminded him
"I said we'd cross that bridge when we came to it Twilight." Toby replied "Now how about we order something expensive?" He asked.
".....ok" Twilight confirmed
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After a small meal, the waiter arrived to collect the bill.
"*a-hem* your bill, Sir" He said, passing a slip of paper to Toby, who promptly pretended to look at it.
"Ah, I've left my wallet in my car" He said pointing to the first car he saw "Mind if I go get it?" He asks. The waiter simply looked at him confused.
"...you drive a hot pink smart car?" He said, clearly holding back a laugh.
Toby got a sinking feeling. "Yes. I drive a....hot pink smart car" He replied
"p-p-p-p-poker face p-p-poker face....." He sung in his head.
"Alright then, I'll be waiting here." The waiter assured him.
Toby turned to Twilight "Hey, tw-Jane, could you help me look?" He said, assigning a faux name to Twilight, who at this point was looking very confused.
"Maybe this is what he meant by crossing the bridge. are we at the bridge? NO! Don't look for a bridge Twilight" Twilight thought, silently cursing her lack of social skills.
"ok, sure." She replies reluctantly.
They get up and begin walking towards the hot pink enormous toy car, Toby looks to Twilight.
"On my signal we make a run for it, ok?" He whispers, counting down from 3 on his fingers.
"...what!?" she gasps.
"No time!" he says, grabbing her and running
"HEY GET BACK HERE!!!" The waiter yelled, giving chase.
"dammit, why can't they just not pay attention like I do?" He thought, as they turned down an alleyway.
"GET BACK HERE OR I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS!" The waiter called
"NUH-UH I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS!" Toby shouted over his shoulder
The waiter faultered slightly "But I'm chasing you....."
"SHUT UP!!!" Toby called over his shoulder again "Don't over-analyze threats!"
"....what!?" The waiter called, but in his distraction tripped over a wooden pallet "ARGH!"
Toby took the opportunity to make an exit to a gated park nearby. They both leaned on each other to catch their breath. After a moment Toby spoke
"I think we lost him." He said in relief "Tenacious buggers sometimes"
Twilight simply glared at him. "I can't believe you just made me into a THIEF!" She shouted at him.
"Whoa, do I look like I have the money to pay for you?" He asked
"That's beside the point! That waiter could have been hurt!" She continued
"Oh, look me in the eye and tell me you didn't get some kind of excitement from that." He countered.
"I...well.....um.....STOLEN FOOD!" she blurted out, not knowing what to do.
"Sweet Celestia...He's right. That was kind of exciting....great, I'm a thief now"
Toby didn't need any further evidence. "Aah! Knew it!" He said, "Twilight likes to steal things! Twilight likes to steal things!" He teased gleefully.
"Ok, ok. lets just go back home ok?" She said, almost pleading with him.
"Alright, alright. I've had my fun" He said.
"Is it weird that I'm ok with letting a stranger stay with me?" He thought as they set off.
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A/N: I'm hoping this'll be longer than the last one. I took some extra time to make this one nice and long for you guys. Special thanks to my prereader/editor http://www.fimfiction.net/user/csnthenavy he's been a great help so go check him out and send him your love/pink smart cars.
Also, I'm looking to replace my silly little cover pic with something a little nicer. My conditions are simple, keep it tasteful and humanized twilights and renditions of toby are welcome! Have a nice day.
WIP chapter and other things
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"So, you're saying that you come from some land of peace and harmony? No wars and shit?" Toby enquired as the pair walked.
"Well....no. There was the dispute between the settler ponies and the local Buffalo tribes, and the changling invasion of Canterlot. Gee, that was a heck of a mess." Twilight answered.
"Settler ponies? Really? Ugh. I'm not sure if she's funny or insane.....or high" Toby thought.
"Oh, come on, Twilight. I'll use the name but settler ponies? Changelings? This is getting ridiculous!" Toby impatiently snapped at Twilight, who only replied with a defiant glare.
"I swear by Celestia's name! I'm. Telling. The. Tru-" Twilight froze mid sentence with a rahter humourous look frozen upon her face.
"NO! Don't laugh! Time is frozen and you broke the universe dammit! Snap out of it before cheese becomes sentient!"
It wasn't just Twilight who froze, everything. the birds (what little aside from crows and magpies Sydney had) froze, the cars froze. Everything.
"What the hell?" Toby questioned to nobody in particular.
"a-hem" Called a refined, soft voice.
"Huh?" Toby spun "Who's there?" He called out.
"I do not appreciate the sarcasm with which you treat my student, Toby." Called the same voice.
"Your student?" Toby asked "You mean that Twilight girl? Wait.. how do you know my name?"
"At present, that does not matter." it replied "What matters right now, is the safety of my student."
"I'm having a tough time trusting you when I can't see you." Toby retorted flatly.
"Regretfully, this spell does not deal in physical transportation, rather a time stoppage and voice projection." The voice explained
"I'm stuck in....a cosmic chatroullette room. Well at least I didn't get a horny fat guy...I think" Toby thought, once more getting distracted from the current situation, he snaps out of it with a question.
"Can I at least get a name?" He askes
"If you wish to deal in formalities, I am Princess Celestia of Equestria, Bearer of the sun. But to be perfectly honest I prefer to be called Celestia." Celestia explained.
"Wait...you?" Toby stumbled to find words of his own, instead only Twilight's words cam to his mind.
"Sweet Celestia!"
"I swear by Celestia's name!"
"You're that Celestia she keeps mentioning?"
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Author's notes: Yeah, I know it's been a while guys, but the sad fact is that I honestly don't know whether I want to keep writing this story or not. Honestly, writing fan fiction is not my favorite thing to do, otherwise I'd do it far more often than this.
I know it may seem selfish, but I'm honestly wanting to delete this story entirely. But, I'm not that selfish, and may just end up handing the reigns of "Enigma Problems" To a more interested person. But as of yet, I almost do not wish to hand it over.
This story is a fickle thing. I hate it and love it at the same time and I do not know which way I lean at this point.
And those who read my blog post will know that I am working at a very important project with my friends, and my writing skills are currently wanted in other places, and quite frankly I like the idea of not having to borrow from another creative universe to get a laugh.
I appreciate all the support I've gotten for this story, I always have, but right now it's all just a little uncertain.
~Biggles