My Smile Tastes Like Sunshine

The Logical Course

Sunshine Smiles was out on the porch at Sweet Apple Acres, chilling with the other elements of harmony cause they’re the cool kids. No one had invited Twister Sprackle though, she still smelled like trumps.

“Lookit this guys,” Sunshine shouted like a retarded can of yams. He attempted to climb an apple tree like a retarded basket of yams, but gave up after fumbling for a bit. “Ne’ermind, I’s gonna do it later”

“You mess up my apples; I’ll whoop your ass, boy,” growled Applejohn Wayne, the gruff cowboy. What a hunk.

Not one to be outdone on stupidity, Pinkie Pie chipped in, “What if I’m a snow-storm leopard?”

“Get the poney hell away! I dun want that shit,” Rainbow Dash scooted elsewhere, bumping into Fluttershy.

Fluttershiv reached for her knife, but Rarity ruined the moment.

“Not leprosy, you birdbrain. I really must make some unicorn friends,” snooted Rarity in her charmingly racialist manner. Since she didn’t resemble a mime enough already, more powder was applied to her face.

Deciding she weren’t welcome ‘round these parts, Johnjack Wayne took off his belt. “You messed up my apple air, now I’m gonna whoop ya!” What happened next is a matter of interpretation.

Since this story is about him, it was up to Sunshine to move the plot forward. “Thas some bangin’ shit, but like, I needa do something rate fun,” He said, plopping his on the ground. Sunshine struggles with responsibility.

So Scootaloo arrived to visit Apple Bloom.

“Hiya guys! Is Applebl -man, that’s awful- Is Applebloom here?”

“Fuck off, Scoots. We forgot her at Poneymart again,” Rainbow Dash lazily replied, scratching her extra-hairy butt.

“Yeah, is gonna be like a week before they mail her back lol.” Sunshine knocked hooves with Rainbowbear, similar to a high-five but twice as awkward. Then increase the result by 20%, divide by 10 seconds and factor out the quotient.

So Scootaloo left to visit Sweetie Belle. False alarm.

Finished with business, Applewayne Johnjack declared, “That was a good one but now Ah need to cool off. Ah say we head to the saloon and fetch us some whiskey.”

Just the three of them headed to the bar. Rarity was busy wallowing in her misery and leaking fluids while Fluttershy was engrossed in writing a gorey fanfiction. Pinkie Pie had stopped moving a while ago after taking a handful of pills, the general sentiment being that it was for the best.

They entered the Crippled Zeeber, and then had to sit down by the door for a while as their eyes adjusted to the poorly illuminated atmosphere. The smell of ciggies and sweat permeated the crowded air. The kind of sweat a poney gets from not bathing for the better part of a month; Sunshine knew this from great experience.

“Enough of this pussyfooting, Ahm gettin’ me a beer,” Johnapple Wayne strode for the bartender, bumping into a few tables on the way. Except the tables were knocked out of the way instead of AJ.

“Yea, rock on my main man!” Sunshine attempted to follow suit. His path more resembled a game of pinball, but he made it with minimal scarring. Rainbow Dash climbed off his back (the lazy), and they ordered some drinks.

Sunshine examined his drink and was pleased to note it had only a few specks floating in it. This is the high quality shit, gonna get this done real hard.

Now, getting stupidly intoxicated sounded good to Sunshine, but witnessing violence had been a bad influence on him. The blighted-yellow poney was all hyped up and craved action, like a jack-in-a-box waiting to become a jack-outside-a-box.

He only managed a sip of his liquid before climbing on a table. “Okay, we’re gonna start a bar fight, yeah?” he shouted.

In this lighting, quite a few poneys mistook him for a sandwich. That was all the excuse the bar patrons need to let out their repressed anger from unhappy childhoods. A significant number of them were immigrants from Pedophiledelphia.

Sunshine wasn’t overly concerned. The princess gave me some rate good immortality, he thought as the brawl broke out. He lept off the table and tried to pummel the unicorn closest to him. Instead, the aqua-colored mare caught his hoof with magic and countered with a buck to the stomach.

He flew back into the clutches of a fellow earth poney and appealed, “Hey, come help meh bust up that sket!”

“That’s my fucking marefriend.” Oops.

The cream poney socked Sunshine hard in the snout and his nose began bleeding. The rest of the bar was in a frenzy while he continued taking a beating from the two mares. Applejohn Wayne was adding more than his fair share to the carnage, while Rainbow Dash just watched as she got wasted.

Eventually, the fighting paused as light abruptly spilled into the dim bar. Fluttershy stood at the entrance, a rusty machete in her mouth. Forgoing her typical bashful behavior, she boldly pointed at Sunshine and declared, “You.”

Lyra let him go, and he precariously righted himself. He turned his bleeding, pulpy face toward Fluttershy and inquired, “Oh, ya wanna see my wilkins?”

 Her glare intensified, but she merely said, “You’ve had this coming for a long time, dickhead.”

Everyponey watched on (from a safe distance) as the murderous mare made her way toward him. Sunshine rose onto his hindlegs and adopted an old-timey fisticuffs stance.

“I’m gonna sort you out then,” he confidently commented, oblivious to the end. Fluttershy tightened her hold on the machete. In one swift motion, she sliced open his exposed stomach.

Almost casually, Sunshine stared down at his spilling intestines. “Methinks this looks proper cool, but I actually wanted ta keep those.”

Fluttershy made an extremely witty remark, but no poney could hear her soft voice over the screaming. The poor dear should really see a speech therapist. Perhaps someone ought to start a charity fund for her.

As Sunshine lay dying on the ground, the last thing he heard was Rainbow Dash. “That was fucking rad,” she exclaimed as she imitated masturbating the penis she so desperately wanted.

I’s gonna need some tape.

“That messed up hard, dinnit it?” Sunshine Smiles said aloud but no one heard. The room he found himself in was emptier than Miss Witherspoon’s box on a romantic summer evening. It reminded him of the waiting area at the poney dentist. There was a steel door straight ahead, but it appeared locked.

The only objects in the room were two chairs and this poster on the wall:

“Omg, that is rate funny.” He would look at the poster and giggle a bit, this repeating for about twenty minutes. Unfortunately, nothing good lasts forever, least of all the humor of some half-baked poster.

He tried sitting still for a bit, not on a chair of course, but soon had enough; for Sunshine Smiles has not the aloof perception of a scientist, but rather the passionate heart of a poet.

“Rawr! I’m fooking Godzilla or some shit (lol),” he made dinosaur motions and began rampaging around the room, kicking the chairs. After a particularly satisfying kick, one bounced off the wall and smacked him upside the head. No sense was knocked into him.

“OMG it’s bing-bong time for yoooo!” the dead poney raged, leaping for the spiteful plastic.

He landed on its edge and groaned in pain, the breath having been knocked out of him. Barely recovering, he gave it a right jab. The chair did not dodge and the impact sent pain coursing through his untempered hoof. He repeated with the other hoof and met similar results. Trying a different plan of attack, the poney began to back up. No way I’m losing another fight.

“You can’t beat the Sunshine-man!” he battlecried with all the bloodlust of a bloated caterpillar, charging at his foe.

However, his aim was not true and Sunshine concussed his head against the wall at full speed.

Game Over.

Except our troubled poney was already dead, and there are rules against getting yourself killed twice in the same day.

Coming to, Sunshine noticed he was now propped up on a much more comfortable chair in a luxurious office. The carpeting looked to be a first-rate job and he felt a twinge of envy.

“It is a good thing you’re already dead. I have never witnessed a poney going that mental in the waiting room before,” spoke Princess Luna, sitting behind the desk across from him. She leaned back in her exquisitely-hellish chair and blew cigar smoke rings in Sunshine’s face. Kinda like the caterpillar from the disney version of Alice in Wonderland, that guy was badass.

The earth poney felt vindicated and replied, “Yeah, that chair is a bellend. Ya should fire it.”

Luna laughed and spoke between puffs, “You are a most witty one! It will be very amusing to watch you suffer in Poney Hell.”

Sunshine finally comprehended his state and shot out of the chair. “What the effing crap, I’s in Hell? Miss Witherspoon gave me the imstalitee!! I dun wanna be tortured! Keep ya fooking forks away from meh!”

“Oh no, Hell is much more civil now that I am no longer Nightmare Moon. We mostly just lock poneys in a room with each other, they do all the work themselves,” she explained.

“Aiight, I can’t be doing that. Lookit, I’s like best friends with the Elephants of Herman!” He flailed his arms for emphasis.

“The elements, hmm? Since I am indebted, I have set up a special arrangement for them. I won’t grant you the same but will offer a deal. Some poneys down here are still tormented using traditional methods. If you like, you can work as an employee of Hell; but it will involve mutilating your fellow poneykind. Otherwise, it’s eternal torture with the rest.” Luna gave a sadistic laugh, leaning just right in the dramatic lighting. (She spent most of her free time practicing.)

Sunshine gave it a moment’s thought and agreed, unburdened by moral qualms. I fuckin’ love having connections!

The Princess of Night and Poney Hell raised an eyebrow. The suddenness of his answer birthed some doubts, but it was too late to go back. She had lost face too much already in recent times to appear wishy-washy now.

“Very well then, Sunshine Smiles. Go out through the staff entrance and meet your new boss. He will provide all of the training necessary,” she pointed to it. On the left wall, side by side, were two doors. The regular one was marked ‘Poney Hell’, while Sunshine’s had a Hello Kitty pattern and was labeled ‘Employees Only’.

“Okay, this is rate cool,” he said, fumbling a bit with the door.

Finally getting it open, Sunshine entered the hall and gave one last look at Luna. He burped in her general direction, then the door slammed shut. A step was taken forward, which symbolized his embracement of destiny. Before him was the staff entrance to Poney Hell.

But on the left, there was also a hallway branching off designated as the exit.

He walked out the exit path.

Princess Luna had not thought this out very well.