My Smile Tastes Like Sunshine

Introducing Good Times

It was a fucking bright Equestrian day. Anemically-yellow badass poney supreme Sunshine Smiles strode through the Poneyville market on a mission for celery. High quality only. As he made his way to the designated stand, Sunshine noticed he hadn’t seen this particular quivering mass of a vendorponey before- this was gonna have to be fixed (immediately).

Sunshine set his posture to funky mode and took off sunglasses he wasn’t wearing. His aggressively manly voice began, “The name is Smiles. Sunshine S-*putnik*” He sneezed. Making good impressions was hard.

It really didn’t help his situation that the average poney isn’t very smart to begin with. While chewing on his grassy mane, the vendor responded, “Hiya there, Smiley Sputnik! Come buy my somma my celery, now in fourteen flavors!”

As well good as that was, Sunshine achieved a small level of momentary sanity. “Uh, screw this.. celery’s rate gross,” he rasped. Also, I lied earlier; his voice was in actuality grating and sickly, like some sort of asthma hound.

Turning about, he reared up his hind legs to accentuate his point with a good kick. But the stand had moved ten paces to the left. Ground met Sunshine.

“Ahgawdnooo!” Feeling like a lung had popped, his slice-of-toast cutie mark was rubbed in apprehension. It wasn’t really his, I think he was borrowing it from a friend. Successfully making toast was likely beyond Sunshine’s capabilities. Anyway, now in a state of fear for his little life, Sunshine Smiles went to visit the doctor poney.

“Omg! What if I’m now dying?!!” he asked the aged doctor poney, whose cutie mark was a little heart making a sicky face. Sunshine Smiles was now sitting in an examination room of Poneyville’s hospital, admiring how sterile-white the walls and tiles were. Bit space-age, ain’t it?

“Mister Sunshine, I’ve already told you. We gave you all the tests available, even that little brain-scan thingy, and you checked out fine!” said Dr. Healthy Heart

“But I don’t feeeel fine! My foreleg feels loose and this one seems a bit stretchy! Lookit, they’re nah even the same length!” Sunshine whined.

The doctor reached into his pocket, “I’m just gonna prescribe you some of these pills, then. They’ll cure anything! Unless they don’t, in which case they won’t. No refunds.”

“Okay, these are rate wicked medicines but I think I needa operation. Gimme some robot legs.”

Healthy Heart paled a bit. Patients weren’t supposed to know about those, oh god what if he accidently leaked corporate secrets?! They would do things to him! He was too pretty to be an organ donor!

Giving a weak smile, he only said, “Get the poney hell out of here, you crazy kid.”

As Sunshine left, a janitor came in. “ Hey, I ‘member you. Didn’t you lose your medical license a few years ago?”

Sunshine Smiles walked aimlessly through town. The pills were some reassurance, but his midlife crisis had already started. How could Sunshine ever rest easy knowing most of his life was already over? For the first time it occurred to him, Omg I’m not gonna live 4ever!

Absolutely terrible, this catastrophe could not be allowed to stand. He was gonna have to take this up with the manager. And then it occurred to the dying poney that the manager of Equestria, Princess Celestia, is endless herself! She could infect him with it!

Unfortunately, this was another problem. His friend Felix once went to see the princess and said she was backed up for months. I don’t got months to wait in line, I’ll fuckin’ starve to death!

If he was gonna die in a line, it would be for an MSI concert. Past experiences reminded him, if ya got connections, they let ya cut in line. And Twinkle Spinkle is like best mates with the princess! Reinvigorated, Sunshine decided to go visit her at the library.

It took him a few hours to get there though, because he really had made a habit of avoiding books and Twilight smells like trumps.

Now entering, he groaned at the scene before him. His fears were confirmed, there were no hot mares here. Just Twittle Spittle chatting with her friend Rarity; also her little dragon cleaning things in the background. The librarian could use some exercise and Spike stirred feelings inside that he did not want to acknowledge. That only left Rarity, who looked far too horsey for his taste. Phrenology would probably reveal her to be one of those pompous that ate squirrels off the road when noone was looking.

“Welcome to the library,” her smile quickly deflated, “..Sunshine Smiles.”

He decided to cut to the chase, “So listen, Twister Spilikin. The thing what ‘appened to me today, I busted ma insides and I’m gonna die!”

“How fitting,” Rarity haughtily turned up her nose at him. “Really Twilight, I don’t think you should allow such crass earth ponies in here. It offends the senses.”

“I don’t like it either,” she sycophantically agreed, “but public libraries are required to serve non-unicorns by law.”

“Yeah, legal system. So knock off, ya sket.”

“Hmph, I was leaving anyways. Some of us have jobs,” Rarity made for the door.

“O-ok then! See you tomorrow.. right?” Twilight’s voice rose a pitch. Rarity didn’t respond as she exited. Facing Sunshine again, her tone darkened, “So what was it you wanted anyway?”

“You needa take me to the princess cuz I was fuckin’ walking down the street and these pills are messing meh up! I was ‘bout to play marbles like some bag head.”

“Why the poney heck would I ever introduce you to Princess Celestia?” she replied, using anger to hide feelings the topic had brought up.

“Cuz I need to live foreva or I’m gonna like die.”

“Oh, you want what’s called immortality.”

“Yeah, imstalitee! I need her to gimme some,” he replied, proud of his plan.

“Still not helping you. We don’t even like each other,” Twilight scowled, adopting an aloof pose.

He reverted to the time-tested tactic of physical threats, “If ya don’t help me, I’ll hafta bust you up.”

“I’m not afraid of you,” she asserted.

Sunshine considered this. She did have a lot of weight on him from all those chips. Thinking quickly, he countered, “Don’t be a fooking seizure mouse. Look, the mayor says you gotta help meh, mayor’s orders.”

“Aww she did? Fine. I’ll take you to see the princess but I won’t like it.” Gullibility:1 Twilight:0

At this point, Spike remembered he was also here. “Hey guys, can I come too?!”

“Sorry Spike, you have chores to do. Clean up this mess.”

So they had boarded the train to Canterlot. Sunshine slept and Twilight read the whole way, which made the trip pretty uneventful. What a boring couple they would make. Now at the castle, the unlikely duo were stopped from entering the throne room by a pair of royal guards at the doors.

“Who goes there?” The closest guard sternly inquired.

“I’m Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia’s personal- hold on, Cherry Cola? You’ve known me since I was a filly.”

“Yeah, I just wanted to be dramatic. Things get so boring around here,” he deflated. Stepping around a shrinking Cherry Cola, they let themselves in.

“That guy was rate weird,” Sunshine Smiles intelligently observed.

“Just so you know, there’s no way this is going to work,” Twilight remarked.

They entered the massive throne room. The chamber had gone through severe renovations, now painted erratic colors with works of modern art strewn about. Sunshine particularly liked the bouncy castle installed in a corner. On her throne was Princess Celestia, accompanied by a statesponey.

“Friendship, friendship,” she was muttering to herself.

“Old Miss Witherspoon, please, the minotaur armies have invaded and are raiding Stalliongrad! We need to produce more weapons!” appealed insignificant statesponey.

“Everything’s alright, dearie. We’ll stop them with the power of friendship! Have our soldiers hug more,” Celestia ordered, demonstrating with a little hug to herself.

She noticed the intruders and signaled the nameless statesponey to leave, announcing,

“My credulous student, you did not warn me of your arrival! Quick, we need a do-over! Brb.”

Celestia promptly left the room.

“Like, wut da fuck is this?” Sunshine was getting impatient with all this weird crap.

“Well,” Twilight blinked away tears at the sight, “A few years ago, the princess’s age finally caught up to her. That was when she sent me to Poneyville.” Twilight brought out the letter, emotional baggage compelling her to keep it on her person. One day, she would end up burning it in defiant indignation.

It read:

Dear twilight sparkle,

my most mental student, it has come to my attention that you our creeping the fuck out of my other students so i’m hiding you in poneyville. have fun!

ps. suck my cock

love,

Old Miss Witherspoon

“Haha, true, you is mental!” he agreed, blissfully ignorant of the irony. “But if the princess has a-”

Then, with all the regal poise and sophistication of an obese turnip, Princess Celestia reentered the room. The royal plot was here.

“Shut up and act natural!” Twilight made a duck face.

Celestia settled onto her throne, mumbled some more, and screeched, “Welcomes to Twilight Sparkle and friend!”

“H-hi Princess, I couldn’t help noticing you have some ponies stuck to the walls. Maybe we could let them down?” Twilight shot Sunshine a warning look as his mouth opened.

The sentiment was thoroughly lost on him. “Sup, Witherspoon Lady! I’m Sunshine Smiles!”

“What a disturbing request, you should get your head checked,” Celestia shifted her attention, “Hmm, do your smiles taste like SUNSHINE?”

“Well, I dunno ‘bout that but I needa live like forever, my fooking insides hurt!”

“Oh? A noble pursuit indeed, says I! But I must consult this matter with my royal advisor, Maudlyn,” she turned her back to them. Witherspoon took off her tiara and began whispering to it. This lasted several minutes.

After much deliberation, a royal servant was ordered to fetch an enchanted chalice. “Maudlyn is in an agreeable mood this day!” the princess declared, doing an authoritative little jig.

“What, seriously?!” Twilight cried out, wide-eyed. A guardsponey imperceptibly rolled his eyes.

As the servant returned, Princess Celestia snatched the chalice with her magic and turned away again. It looked like she spit into it, but Sunshine figured his eyes were out of tune. Doctors are all shills, man.

“Miss Witherspoon declares that Sunshine Smiles shall be granted his desire of immortality! Drink this,” Celestia gave him the Elixir of Immortality, snickering a bit. What a troll.

“Can I be immortal, too?” a certain purple unicorn pleaded.

“Is she always this bitchy?”

“Yeah, she’s a right bellend,” Sunshine clutched the drink to himself, taking a sniff. “Gonna get proper wasted on this shit”

Inhibitionless, he chugged it down, like a fish out of water getting back into water. The empty goblet was dropped, a clatter echoing through the chamber. Everyone stared on in suspense as he began to spasm, pupils dilating. After doing a spot-on impression of a jellyfish, the placebo’s effects wore off.

Righting himself, Sunshine Smiles smiled so hard it was messy. “Now it’s time to.. live poney!”

Awww yeaah!!