The second chapter (we think) was found in a firepit, after having been put through a paper shredder. To our good fortune, the author was too cheap to invest in a crosscut paper shredder, and for whatever reason had not lit the chapter on fire yet. Maybe he was too cheap to invest in matches.

Hours of painstaking reassembly resulted in a mostly coherent chapter, although one section was lost to the wind or to small animals who wished to make use of the nesting material a Simply Shred SG-820C [based on forensic evidence and Amazon reviews] can provide.

The Wizard of Whitetail Woods II
Chapter 2—Now Your Thinking WIth Portals
Admiral Biscuit

After a day in the wild Whitetail Woods and fighting and the Zebras, after a narrow escape and battling an erection lasting more than four hours, both the Wizard (the erection) and KitKat (actually doing the heavy lifting, already tired of dealing with the wizard’s bullshit and she hasn’t even been turned into a SPOILER yet) should have done nothing but rest.

Especially since the Wizard had just had a delicate medical procedure done by a doctor who’d had her last fuck shot off in the war, and KitKat had had one too many tacos.

You would also think that the Wizard couldn’t get a pants panhandle (and all that that entailed) with two smiley-face bandages on his pintle—one from where the spider bit him, and one from where he paid the price—but you’d be wrong. Maybe it was a lasting effect of the Brazilian [spider]; maybe he was just perpetually horny when it came to plot convenience; maybe he’d caught a glance under KitKat’s tail, who can say?

The Wizard’s powers—and here I am being generous—came to him late, only after he fucked a unicorn. Granted, he didn’t know that she was a unicorn at the time. Regardless, while KitKat was progressively learning the awful truth, so too was the Wizard. ~~In fact, when you really think of it, they were both victims of circumstance~~. Neither of them knew that his widdler could shoot portals, but it could. It’s said that magic is mostly wishing for something and then making it happen magically, and the Wizard was thinking of having a convenient comfort food snack.

Now, ponies had invented comfort food, but a large percentage of it (by weight and volume) was hay-based. Hayburgers, Hay Fries, Hay Chips, hay, Frozen Hay Cream, Oat Smoothies (with hay), even various hay-based beers. Lately kirin beer had been making inroads in the pony beer market, ever since kirin had been discovered, along with their beer-making prowess.

Therefore, not only did the wizard wank a portal, said portal came out at a convenience store.

It would have been convenient for them to have arrived in the store proper, but that wasn’t KitKat’s luck. It would have been nice to arrive with American spending money, but that was neither of their luck.

It would have been better for the Wizard to have arrived clothed in anything other than his ‘wizard robes,’ although admittedly KitKat had seen it all before and if she had to suffer, why shouldn’t everypony and everybody else?

It was a good thing that they arrived at three AM (local) and that the clerk at the store was a battle-hardened veteran, nearly unflappable in the face of adversity or Karen. A bathrobed wizard and an annoyed Little Pony(TM) appearing in a flash of light by the Dumpster wasn’t his strangest night yet.

For the Wizard, it was a routine destination and a routine sight, but KitKat had never seen anything like the store before. She’d seen woodcuts and postcards, she’d read descriptions in various travel journals, but to see for herself the big windows and harsh fluorescent lights inside, the ranks and ranks of colorful boxes and cans, the missing cat poster taped up by the door . . . it was a lot for her to take in.

Archivist’s Note: Here part of the chapter was missing, so it is unknown what the Wizard and KitKat (and the clerk and any other patrons of the convenience store) were doing. The chapter picks up again as they’re near the checkout counter.

“You can get a candy bar too,” the wizard said, magnanimously. “I’m feeling magnanimous.”

KitKat, who knew he’d already paid for a room service doctor and at least three room service tacos, ran her eyes over the million billion boxes of candy and made her choice: a York Peppermint Patty.

“Really?”

She furrowed her brows.

“I mean . . . well, maybe it’s on the nose, but we’re here, I would have thought you’d pick a KitKat.”

She narrowed her eyes.

“Since that’s your name.”

“I’ve only known you for a couple of days,” KitKat said. “And in that time, I’ve already decided you’re de slechtste tovenaar ooit and a few other things too. Even if I was generous as fuck and only applied that to your wizarding skills and your forest-smarts, I still wouldn’t have anticipated that you wouldn’t see the problem with autocanibalism.”

“Cars don’t eat—”

“And idiocy and obliviousness.”

For once, the wizard took a moment to actually think and process before speaking or God forbid, doing. “You aren’t made of candy, you don’t taste like a candy bar.”

Bitter. “Are you sure of that?”

“Well. . . .”

“Really really sure, mister I-fucked-a-unicorn-who-I-didn’t-know-was-a-unicorn-and-now-I-sling-spells-with-my-dingus?”

At that, the Kum and Go clerk perked up. “Hey, there’s no need for that kind of language. We’re a family-friendly store that doesn’t believe in euphemism.”

Author's Note

In the silence that followed, three sets of eyes fixed on the reader. It might be true?