The trail of lost chapters led our intrepid archivist to the Kum and Go Dumpster. After several battles with raccoons, the next chapter, or maybe another part of the previous chapter was discovered, floating on the garbage water at the bottom of the dumpster.

Did you know that dumpster is a genericized trademark? The Dempster Brothers should have been more litigious. Invented in 1935, Dempster Dumpsters were standardized garbage containers loaded into Dempster Dumpmaster trucks. Although according to Wikipedia the Dempmaster trucks weren’t invented until the 50s, which leads one to wonder what the dumpsters were tipped into before that. [The Garwood Load Packer is a similar vehicle, introduced in 1938, but not by Dempster.]

Literal dumpster fires are endemic; figuratively they’re often used to describe a ‘disastrously mishandled situation,’ which I feel compelled to point out even though that is not intended to be commentary or criticism of the chapter.

~~OR IS IT~~

This chapter was typed up while nursing raccoon wounds; who knew they’d be so possessive of the contents of a dumpster?

The Wizard of Whitetail Woods II: The Lost Chapters
Chapter 2b: In Which The Wizard Commits a Crime and KitKat is an Accessory
Badmiral Biscuit

“Yeah, yeah,” the Wizard said. “I’ve never even seen a euphemism, let alone used one. I—” He patted his pockets. “Uh, I’m a little short, it turns out.”

KitKat thought about remarking that she was shorter than he, or making a dick joke, or lamenting the fact that she was basically crotch-high to a Wizard, but she bit her tongue and reached into her saddlebags for any appropriate currency or trade goods. She had some bits, but of course a human store wouldn’t take those.

“I’ve got our stock of emergency cheese. Can we trade that for beer and a York Peppermint Patty?”

“Cash only.” The Kum and Go clerk tapped a sign that said ‘cash only.’ “Or credit or debt card.” The sign actually said ‘no checks’; in this day and age who wouldn’t accept credit cards? Especially at a gas station based convenience store chain, have you seen the price of fuel lately? On a per-unit basis, it’s more expensive than milk! And this is true if you’re fueling your car (or whatever) with gallons, liters, litres, or firkins. Which are not the same as merkins, don’t make that mistake.

KitKat had already bitten down on her Peppermint Patty which technically wasn't against the rules; it wasn’t theft until she left the store without paying for it.

More importantly, the wizard’s robe came open and while back in Equestria nudity was acceptable, back on Earth it was not. Back on Earth it was, in fact, a crime. KitKat was, of course, more nude than the wizard, but the laws are really weird when it comes to sapient aliens . . . maybe? That’s never been tested in court, AFAIK.

The clerk had assumed that KitKat was some kind of a service animal (and in the broadest sense, that was actually true), and hadn’t remarked on her nudity, anyway. Besides, her tail covered up pretty much everything most of the time.

Of all the things the wizard has done or might have been going to did in future installments, robbing a Kum and Go shouldn’t have been high on that list. Right about at the very bottom, if we’re being honest.

Even KitKat didn’t catch on right away, largely because he used slang she didn’t understand.

“Cheese it,” the Wizard yelled, and KitKat obligingly grabbed a box of Cheez-Its off the shelf.

“No, I mean grab our stuff and go.” The Wizard scooped the six-packs up in his gangly arms and made for the door; KitKat followed a moment later with her York Peppermint Patty and the box of Cheez-Its.

“Oh no you don’t.” The thick Lexan shield wasn’t there to protect the clerk from robbers, no, in this store it was to protect robbers from the clerk. He pulled a sawed-off shotgun out from under the counter and fired indiscriminately out the door, nicking the top of one of KitKat’s ears and bouncing a few pellets into the wizard’s shins.

He was still shooting as they rounded the corner at full run or gallop—which gave KitKat the advantage; she was faster than the wizard and now had a proper meat-shield behind her.

Since this was a side-quest, it might not fall under the contract she’d signed. Nothing that they’d five-finger discounted out of the store was a proper campaign supply. Therefore if the Wizard got his fool self shot, she wasn’t obligated to go back and render aid.

•••

They hadn’t counted on was the clerk reloading and chasing them through the portal.

Well, the Wizard hadn’t counted on it. KitKat figured he might, and pushed their end of the portal up against the window, just in case. She could hardly enjoy her ill-gotten York Peppermint Patty if a shotgun wielding maniac suddenly appeared in their hotel room.

She also, as a precaution, put a ‘pest removal service, bipedal, large, armed’ card into the pneumatic tube system and sent it on its way.

••

AND IT WAS A GOOD THING SHE DID.

No sooner had the wizard sat down to imbibe, the Kum and Go clerk came through the portal at a dead run. He promptly smashed through the window and started plummeting, but still had the presence of mind to twist around and fire two shots in the general direction of their room.

By the time the clerk had landed, walked around to the front door, sweet-talked the deskmare into telling him what room the Wizard and KitKat were in (‘some old dude with a bathrobe’ ‘the one who looks like a monkey with mange?’ ‘yeah, and he’s got a little horse with him’ ‘they’ve been nothing but trouble since they checked in, smelling like a skunk’s asshole,’ etc. service workers the world over share some solidarity with their fellows) the pest removal pony had arrived.

He was the size of a house, his special talent was being both bite- and bulletproof, and he liked both cheese and crackers.

His name was Buttercup.

•

When the Kum and Go clerk reached their door, several things happened in very quick succession. The clerk kicked the door open—he hadn’t been able to charm the deskmare into giving him a key—and, having learned from his previous encounters with the Wizard and KitKat, emptied his shotgun into the first thing he saw, which happened to be Buttercup.

Buttercup took it like a champ, and as the sound of the last shot was ringing through the hallway, knocked the shotgun out of the clerk’s hands and stomped on it, bending it into a U-shape.

Once that was sorted, he grabbed the hapless clerk by the collar of his work shirt, carried him to the portal like a misbehaving kitten and tossed him back in.

Not one to litter, Buttercup also threw the shotgun through the portal, then took both edges of the portal and crumpled it up until it was small enough to fit into itself.

He lobbed it into the convenience store’s dumpster, and departed the hotel room, carrying the box of Cheez-Its with him. Neither the Wizard nor KitKat had intended to offer him the crackers, but they weren’t going to stop him.

I really should have hired him instead, the Wizard thought.

I really wish you had, KitKat thought.

Although if I had, the occasional under-tail glances I sometimes get would be uncomfortably gay, the Wizard also thought.

These Cheez-Its are delicious, Buttercup thought.

Author's Note