The Human and the Tall One

          Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

          I instinctively slammed my hand onto the desk next to my bed to silence the alarm, but my hand instead met nothing but a rough, hard surface.

I woke up groggy and disorientated, nothing I wasn't used to, and rubbed my eyes. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing on my face. That's when I realised...where the bloody hell was I? I started thinking, maybe I stumbled into a field and fell asleep, I hope I haven't been robbed. I checked my pockets anxiously, and found my wallet, a lighter, my phone and a box of cigarettes. I had no idea where the cigarettes or lighter came from, I didn't have any when I left. I checked my phone to figure out the time, and found an unread message from one of my friends.

"Hey, where have you gone man?"  That's all it said.

          I went to reply but I spotted the no signal symbol on the screen. Dammit. I forgot about it and got my bearings. I was in a desert, oh how wonderful, and looked around. Nothing. Just sand and trees and the sun. My vision blurred and swayed. I rubbed them once more, harder this time, and started walking.

          Five minutes later, and I still had no idea where I was. I looked up to the sky. It was a bright clear cyan with not a single cloud floating in the vast blue expanses. I looked around once more in the hopes of spotting something other than sand or trees. That's when I looked at the ground. It was a colourful, bright shade of brown, with hardly any detail whatsoever and a strange, cartoon like appearance to it.

Shit, I thought, someone's given me a big dose of acid and crack. I started to wonder where I actually was.

          I looked up and spotted a strange shape shimmering in the distance. I stretched my tired legs and jogged towards the strange shape of possible doom. The shape slowly took the form of a small building, then more small buildings and finally, as I stopped to catch my breath, the shape took the form of a town, much like those wild west type towns from the films.

Looks a lot like Appleoosa I mused.

          A train whistled nearby. I quickly looked around and spotted a train slowing to a stop. I watched as the ponies pulling the train sat on the ground and rested.

The ponies sat on the ground.

Ponies.

My jaw literally dropped and my brain ground to a halt. I stared at the ponies, completely gobsmacked at what I was witnessing. Then it hit me. Like a baseball bat to a mailbox.

I was in Equestria.

Holy fucking shit.

Then I passed out. Typical.

          I woke up again in a dark and musty room, even more groggy than last time and with a splitting headache and pins and needles in my feet to boot.

     "Howdy partner!" someone exclaimed.

I shit myself. Once I recovered, I got up, and turned to the source of this strange noise. That's when I saw him.

Braeburn. Fucking Braeburn.

          I stared, rubbed my eyes and looked harder; yep it was definitely Braeburn, and I was definitely in Equestria, at least I hoped I was in Equestria and not some shady place of doom on Earth tripping major ball sack. That's when about 12 million thoughts raced through my head at the same time.

Holy mother of Celestia i'm actually in Equestria!

So awesome!

I'm scared.

Actually i'm terrified.

Muffins!

OMG I hope I meet Fluttershy!

Party with Pinkie Pie!

Am I still on acid?

Sonic rainboom!

Home?

I've definitely been slipped something dodgy.

          I decided to keep calm and not get too worked up about all of this. It was easier than I thought. Most likely because I was extremely tired and possibly hungover, and I still thought I was on acid; which seemed like the most realistic solution as to why I was in a cartoon pony world.

"How ya feelin?" Braeburn inquired.

     "Eh, I've felt better," I tiredly replied.

You're slow today aren't you? A voice in my head sneered.

Shut it you I replied internally to the voice, it immediately fell silent.

"So uh, what in the hay are you?" the pony quizzed.

    "I'm a human, from another world, possibly another universe. And don't ask me how I got here because I haven't a bloody clue. Can you get me to Canterlot?" I asked the puzzled pony.

"How do you know about Canterlot?" Braeburn inquired, giving me what I could call an evil eye.

     "Not important, I need to get to Canterlot so I can speak to Princess Celestia and sort this mess out, can you get me there?" I repeated.

"Well we have a train which can get you to Ponyville, then it will take you to Canterlot," He replied.

     "Cool, can you take me to the train?"

"Don't you wanna rest first?"

     "Nope, need to get to Canterlot now, I have a feeling something bad is going to happen," I answered, slightly impatient.

"Well I can get tha train ta leave in ten minutes, how's that?"

     "That's perfect. Do you have any water? I'm parched and possibly hallucinating, and how long have I been here?"

"We sure do, and you've been here fer about an hour. Come down when ya ready," he enthusiastically replied, trotting out of the room and downstairs.

          Something wasn't right about him. He didn't seem very, fazed about my sudden appearance, as if he had seen another human before. I shrugged it off, too tired to think about it and decided to stretch my legs and take in my surroundings. There was a wooden bedside table next to the bed I was sleeping on, a lamp, a chair in the corner, nothing much, just a normal, albeit pretty dusty, boring room. Everything looked like it did in the show, but with a strange 3D real life effect on top. Even Braeburn looked just like he did in the show, but with that strange 3D effect he looked uber strange. My eyes blurred again, and the room contorted into a quivering mass of bright colors.

Tripping balls!

I thought I told you to shut it I replied to the voice in my sore head, rubbing my eyes at the same time.

"The trains ready but you gotta get on now if you wanna get to Canterlot" Braeburn shouted from wherever he was.

"I will be right there" I shouted back. I checked my pockets once more to make sure I had everything, I blinked a few times, getting rid of the quivering mass of colour that was the room, ducked through the tiny doorway and proceeded to go downstairs.

          I entered what seemed to be their kitchen, I was greeted by several ponies, a couple of them were mares, the rest were bulky stallions. I towered over them. The larger stallions were almost as tall as me, their heads were pretty much level with my chest, and the mares were just a bit smaller than the stallions, although probably the same height when standing on two legs. All of whom, except Braeburn, had puzzled and frightened looks spread across their faces. Strange.

   "Here you go, better drink it quick, the trains gonna leave soon" Braeburn spoke as he pushed a glass of water across the table.

     "Thank you" I replied, downing the water in one gulp. It was the most refreshing drink of water I'd ever had.

I set the glass down and followed Braeburn to the train station.

          We arrived at the train station, and I marveled at the train. It looked just like the train from the show, only bigger, brighter and 3D. The pastel colours looked brighter and trippier than I ever imagined, which only served to make this experience more like an acid trip with added sparkles.

          I clambered into one of the small seats, attempting to hide myself from any other passengers. I didn't want to get kicked off the train as it was my only transport to Canterlot. The train lurched forward and slowly sped up, the wild west flashing past in a blur of brown, blue and yellow. I stuck my head out of the window and felt the cool breeze blowing on my face, already waking and sobering me up more.

          I started wondering what I was going to do when I got to Canterlot. What will I do? Run up to the princess and shout about some sort of random ass disaster? Run around like a headless chicken for no particular reason? Shout about Old Spice body wash? I don't know. What I do know is my head is very sore and I still think I have been drugged by someone who concocted a devilish brew of acid and cocaine. I sat down in the chair and relaxed, slowly closing my eyes. In the corner of my eye, I saw black. it was only there for a second, but it was long enough for me to realise what it was.

A black blur. Shocker.

          The carriage door and opened and Braeburn stepped in, looking flustered and in general, strange. His eyes were darting left right and center, as if something were watching his every move. Very strange pony. I wondered where he'd been; and what he was doing.

Doing bench presses with the prime minister?

What? That's the most idiotic thing you've ever said. Ever. Be quiet.

"Ya'll right there partner?"  Braeburn asked, eyeing me quizzically.

     "Yep, I'm positively dandy," I sarcastically muttered.

"Well if ya need anythin' i'll be in tha next carriage," he shouted, and then he was gone again.

I wonder if ponies understand sarcasm

I yawned and rubbed my eyes, feeling the heavy weight of sleep dragging my eyelids down, pulling me to the land of sleep and awesome dreams.

I just barely got to sleep when i felt the train suddenly lurch. The wheels screeched along the tracks, sending all the passengers flying. I fell forward, with considerable force and face planted the seat in front of me hard. Very hard.

     "MOTHERFU-"

"Ya'll right there?"  Braeburn frantically asked

     "Yeah, i'm just perfect," I shouted, rubbing my very sore head.

Now a sore head to go along with this headache

     "sorry 'bout that, some pony just ran out on to the tracks,"  he explained.

Because that isn't out of the ordinary at all.

     "Did ya'll see that?" A pony exclaimed.

"That pony didn't have a face!" another pony shouted.

          I looked out the window, ignoring the ponies inane rambling and focused on trying to get back to sleep, which was proving much harder than I thought. I could hear the other ponies talking about me, confused as to what I was, but too scared to talk to me or even look at me straight, I remembered that I needed to talk to Braeburn about that, and why he was so calm when I was around. It was very strange behaviour. The ponies started talking about the faceless pony again and I felt something niggling away at the back of my mind, I couldn't shake it. Something seemed familiar, like I had heard of it before. Familiar, but not in a good way.

          After what felt like 5 hours of just staring out of the window, a blank look on my face and completely zoned out, the train lurched and slowed down. I snapped out of my daze, sat up and looked out of the window into the distance. I could see Canterlot castle. It was huge. And let me tell you, it looked amazing in real life. It looked awesome. Absolutely awesome, actually. Incredibly awesome in fact. From the huge waterfalls to the towering spires, everything looked majestic and bloody amazing.

"We're here!" Braeburn loudly announced.

I had arrived in Canterlot. Fuck yeah!