Coco was off the train and onto the platform. The conductor yelled about debarking before the train came to a complete stop, but Coco ignored him. She looked around the train platform, orienting herself. It had been over a year since she'd last been to Ponyville.
Rarity's shop was... that way. She took off at a double-time trot. She hadn't even packed a suitcase, and her small saddlebags—containing several tubs of lube, a pack of Cadance-brand breath mints, and a roll of tinfoil—flopped against her slim hips as she jogged.
A minute later, she barged into Rarity's shop, yelling, "Rarity! Rarity! Did you hear?"
"Miss Pommel?" came a surprised voice from the back.
Coco followed the voice and found Rarity in her kitchen, serving peanut butter sandwiches to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were clad in crimson, gold-lined capes and covered in tree sap.
"Is it true!?" Coco shouted, grabbing Rarity's cheeks between her forehooves. "Tell me it's true!"
"Whatever are you talking about, Darling?"
"Gray aliens!"
Rarity's eyes clenched and she sighed dramatically. "Misssssss Pommel."
"Nuh-uh," Scootaloo said. "The pony who reported that was Screwloose. No way it's true."
"Y'all are crazy," Apple Bloom retorted. "Aliens have been probing our cows for years. They tell us all about it."
"No way," Scootaloo said. "Rainbow Dash says that if there were aliens, they would have challenged her to a race in their spaceship by now and she would have beaten their space pants off."
"I heard they don't wear space pants," Sweetie Belle interjected. "That makes the probing more efficient."
"There are so aliens!" Apple Bloom shouted. "They put their probes up the cow's butts and then they give sour milk for a week. They said the aliens are big an' talk in mono-syllablalalables, mostly 'mooooyup'."
"That's a bi-syllablalalable," Sweetie corrected. "Like how Rarity said she's a bi—"
"So it is true!" Coco gasped, turning to Apple Bloom. "Aliens have stopped probing cows' butts and are probing pony's butts now?"
"Why are you so excited?" Sweetie Belle asked. "I'm not sure I believe it, but if it is true, it's awful. Rarity said Lyra probed her—"
"Shush, Darling. Miss Pommel, Screwloose's only eye-witnesses were Derpy—who is, shall we say, a cross-eyed witness—and Berry Punch, who saw through beer goggles."
"It's true," Apple Bloom intoned gravely. "Applejack came home from her business meeting at Filthy Rich's bank really late last week and she was limping because her bottom was sore and she said it was because of aliens kidnapping and probing her butt, but that the aliens had gotten our loan refinanced and we weren't foreclosed no more."
"Where are the aliens taking ponies from?" Coco demanded.
"The fields south of our farm," Apple Bloom said. "Why, you ain't want to get probed, do you?"
Coco blushed and felt her tail rise. "Oh, noooo, of course not....."
Coco, mane disheveled under a tinfoil fez and eyes sporting dark rings, cradled a cup of coffee the next morning.
"I told you so," Rarity said. "There are no aliens, gray or otherwise."
The sun rose over Ponyville Town Hall and spilled over the two mares. They sat at Café Hay and the waiter refilled Coco's coffee.
"So, you were up all night?"
Coco nodded, sipping coffee. A crumpled, empty can of Red Diamond Sexergy Drink sat next to her mug.
"Whatever did you do?"
"I parked in the field, squirted some lube in, set up a borrowed lantern, and pointed my butt at the light."
"Coco, honestly. I could find you a dozen stallions who would be happy to indulge your... proclivity. Or I could take a dickmare potion, if you don't want a stallion. Why do you want an alien probing?"
"No offense, but your maredick isn't that big."
"It's ladylike."
"It's small, Rarity."
"Your anus is small."
"Not anymore... Anyway, as to why, I've never had sex in a flying saucer before. And I've probably already broken in any stallion you can name. Boooor-ing."
"Why are you wearing a tinfoil hat?"
Coco crumpled up the fez. "I only want my butt probed, not my mind."
Rarity closed her eyes and sipped her herbal tea. "Get some sleep, you may use my guest room. Provided you have no gentlecolt callers."
"What about—"
"Nor Maud. I don't want to have to burn the bedclothes. Again."
The next morning, Coco looked even worse. The tinfoil hat was a fedora this time.
"So," Rarity said, with another sip of tea. "Tell me."
Coco dropped two ice cubes from her water into the coffee and then chugged half the mug down.
"I set up in the south field again. Big Mac and Sugar Belle wandered by. Sugar Belle said the aliens only liked cows."
Rarity nodded.
"Anyway, Sugar Belle watched while Mac buttprobed me" —Rarity's left eyelid twitched— "and after that, I spent the rest of the night waiting for the gray aliens. But no luck."
After they left, the waiter took a crème brûlée torch to the seat of Coco's chair.
"Ah, Sunburst, Thunderlane, Starlight, thank you for coming so quickly."
The three of them sat down on well-cushioned pink chaises in Rarity's parlor.
"My good friend, Miss Pommel, is suffering a bit of a mental crisis."
"Well, we're happy to help," Sunburst said. "What can we do?"
"I need you to abduct and buttfuck her."
"Dammit, Rarity, you know I'm on probation for attempted omnicide," Starlight growled.
"We have a permission slip from Twilight. Twilight was going to help, except she's taken the maximum dose of dickmare potion for the month and has to sit this one out."
Sunburst shifted on the chaise and winced, as if in pain.
They spent the day building a flying saucer from plywood and sheet metal, then painted it silver with merlot racing stripes. Thunderlane and Sunburst used special antigravity paints of Zecora's, which reduced its weight by about ninety percent, so that Starlight could easily levitate it.
Starlight decorated it with ancient runes from a forgotten language, christening it the colon cleanser.
About two hours after dark, Sunburst and Thunderlane put on gray alien costumes. Their faces and bodies were covered but their cocks and ballsacks hung out. Sunburst levitated up a tube of Zecora's RoosterBooster™ gel ("Guaranteed your money back if not harder than rock/when you rub this potion all over your cock") and slathered his dick with it.
Just before Sunburst could gel up Thunderlane's undercarriage, Thunderlane held up a hoof. "Rarity can do this step."
"What?" Sunburst said. "Why do you get a glowy and I had to do mine myself?"
"Rarity's costume covers my wings and I hate that."
Sunburst rolled his eyes. Rarity leaned down and gave Thunderlane a blowjob, her magic slipping into his ass and rubbing. Quickly, Thunderlane yelped and Rarity's cheeks puffed out and her eyes widened. She swallowed, then again, before coughing once and levitating up the gel and slathering his cock.
Starlight and Rarity donned their gray alien costumes. "Why are our crotches and assholes exposed?" Starlight asked, twisting to look under her tail.
Rarity smiled.
"Can I have a blowjob?" Sunburst asked.
Both Sunburst and Thunderlane's cocks throbbed powerfully below their barrels, balls hanging low, pendulous, and puissant.
Starlight bopped Sunburst's nose through the costume. "Save it for the abduction." Then she looked more carefully at Thunderlane. "You only have one testicle."
Rarity smacked her lips once more. "You still taste divine, though, Darling."
Thunderlane's tail curled down, covering his ballsack and lone boy. "It involved Pinkie Pie, a kirin gender reveal party, and a fire extinguisher, and I thank you not to draw attention to it. And technically I still have both. Redheart put it in formaldehyde."
"That's terrible!" Sunburst's voice was weak. "Any, ah, effects?"
Thunderlane nodded. "The improved aerodynamics took a half second of my Monacolt lap time."
"I thought it was called Pony Carlo?"
"Philistine," Thunderlane sneered.
"You should take the other one off, too," Starlight said. "You're less than half a second off the record, aren't you?"
"Soarin' tried that, but it formed a vortex and he got a ground-effect enema."
Coco dozed in the empty field, exhausted after two and a half sleepless nights. She had found a smooth field stone and put her belly on it, propping her butt up and letting her cross her forelegs on the grass and use them as a pillow while she napped. Her tinfoil hat, this time stetson-style, had fallen off her head.
The lantern was getting weak, its spotlight no longer brilliantly illuminating her ass nor casting long shadows across the field.
The lantern spluttered out, and the sudden darkness woke her up. She pounded a hoof against the ground and sobbed in frustration.
Then, a light brighter than daylight shined down on her. She looked up, squinting, and a saucer hovered over her, spotlights shining down.
This was it! The aliens had come for her! She was going to get probed! She raised her tail. Her asshole throbbed in greeting. She was glad she'd put one of the Cadance-branded breath mints up there earlier.
A gray alien floated down on one of the beams of light. Coco was surprised to see it was quadrupedal, like a pony, and not bipedal like past reports of grays had been.
It spritzed Coco in the face with a liquid and Coco passed out instantly.
Coco awoke in a brilliantly lit spaceship interior. Her head and forehooves were trapped in a wooden rack, and that realization made her tail go straight up and her butt clench in excitement. This rack was just like the wooden one of Rarity's that she and Rarity had used on Suri Polomare that time... never mind. Don't think about that, she chastened herself, or she might cum instantly. (She momentarily wondered if Suri's proctologist had found all the gerbils.)
Four grays milled around. She tried to look at them, but the anesthetic left her eyes feeling funny and her vision blurry. She couldn't make out any details.
"I'm awake! Please, oh please—" Coco giggled "—don't probe my anus!"
The aliens grew silent and levitated a pair of blinders onto Coco, along with a pair of earmuffs. Between the blinders and the fuzzy vision, she could only see a few blinking lights on the wall in front of her. The wooden rack prevented her from moving her head.
"It would be a shame if I got buttprobed," she called. "Sometime today. Nopony likes inefficient abductors."
She tried to flick her ears, but the muffs constrained them to her head. The ear muffs must have been enchanted (or whatever aliens used in lieu of magic), because she couldn't hear a thing.
Behind her, Sunburst said, "She's literally crazy."
Thunderlane stared at Coco's tiny rump and throbbing asshole, his cock pulsing with his heartbeat.
"Yes," Rarity said. "Quite insane. But she's an excellent employee and the soon she thinks she's put one over on the aliens in Ponyville, she'll return to Manehattan and get back to running my store."
Starlight said, "I'm surprised she's not too busy getting reamed by customers to make any sales."
"Customers are, shall we say, satisfied. She keeps a large stock of dickmare potion behind the sales counter. Or she just takes the customer's husband. Or both. And nopony who smells like her derriere will be in the mood to try to negotiate prices down. Although I do spend an unreasonable amount on air purifiers and fresheners for that store. Thunderlane? Begin."
Thunderlane tilted his head to look at himself. His cock was fully erect, which rather surprised him, since this whole situation was about a nine out of ten on his ickometer. (The only time he had slept with Rainbow Dash, Dash pulled out hoof polish, an electrostim device, and hot pepper sauce: that was the lone ten-out-of-ten ickometer of his life. Possibly an eleven out of ten.)
And, not to put too fine a point on it, Thunderlane wasn't a big fan of anal sex, and especially without a condom. That was thanks to Spitfire. On the other hoof, at least this time the cock was his and the anus was not, so that might make a difference...
He hopped up onto Coco, putting his forehooves on the wooden rack, just above her head. At least the crazy mare was small and he didn't have to stretch too much.
He angled his cock and slid into her vagina. Warm, tight, wet, it felt wonderful on his engorged shaft. Rarity's earlier blowjob had done nothing to reduce the throbbing frustration caused by Zecora's RoosterBooster™ potion, and he closed his eyes and sighed in contentment as he hilted deep into the wet depths, feeling her velvet-soft channel clamp down on his shaft. She spasmed around him.
"Lunadammit, no!" Coco shouted. "I came here to get probed, not fucked!"
Rarity smacked him on his ball with a rolled-up newspaper and he gasped. "Don't be clever, Thunderlane," she said.
He sighed and pulled out, then raised his hips an inch or two and positioned his tip against Coco's rear opening.
"That's better!" Coco shouted and pushed her hips backwards, her anus easily slipping over his tip and then clamping down, capturing it.
Eyebrows rising in concern, Thunderlane tried to pull back, but her asshole was like a steel cuff and held him in, unable to extract himself. "I'm stuck!"
"Yes," Rarity said, "she's like that. I tried to pull out early once and she wouldn't allow it. I've never known of somepony with such practiced control of their anal sphincter. She's a prodigy."
"What—" Thunderlane swallowed loudly, his breath hot and thick inside the alien suit's head "—what do I do?"
"She'll release you after you cum, Darling."
With a sigh, Thunderlane pressed forward, hilting himself. To his surprise, Coco's butt was slick and well-lubricated. He turned to Rarity and cocked his head.
"She probably put a tub of lube up there before waiting for the 'aliens'."
He nodded and pulled out, until her sphincter caught the ridge of his glans again.
She felt good, no doubt. The inner ring of her anus massaged the bottom ridge of his tip and his eyes crossed as tingly shocks ran up his cock, around his ball, and diffused up his spine. He pressed forward again and her colon slid across his tip, sending more tingles and shocks into him. To his surprise, he got even harder despite the potion already causing the biggest erection of his life. Coco pressed backwards and her asshole clamped hard around his medial ring, forcing Thunderlane to grunt and press forward hard to pop in all the way.
"Yipe!" Thunderlane gasped, turning around to see Rarity, the mask of her gray alien suit thrown back over her withers, sucking his ball.
"It's the least I can do," Rarity explained, before pulling his ball back into her mouth.
The momentary pause to address Rarity had apparently frustrated Coco, who was now pistoning her rump back-and-forth on Thunderlane's cock feverishly, lube splating out at the bottom of every stroke. Thunderlane looked at her, her slim waist tense with lean muscles, every rib visible—the mare needed a hayburger with extra cheese, she was scrawny—and her rear legs tensed, the muscles standing out under her fur. Her anus was taut and smooth around his shaft, distended by his prodigious perimeter.
Watching her slide forward-and-back, the lube glistening on his shaft and around her hole, brought Thunderlane up to the edge. Rarity put light pressure on his ball with her teeth and that sent him over.
His ball throbbed in Rarity's bite and his cock jumped in Coco's ass. Coco shouted in mixed pain and elation as he stretched her ass out further. He slammed himself forward, hilting Coco and yanking his ball from Rarity's mouth, grinding his pelvis forward so hard against Coco's rump that her shoulders slammed into the wood of the rack and she shouted in surprise.
With a splurt, splurt, splurt, Thunderlane finished unloading into her, his ball hanging low. Panting into the head of the costume, the air was hot and humid and sweat ran down his back and nose.
"Okay," Starlight said. "Sunburst's turn."
"My butt needs further probing!" Coco called, her voice too loud due to the earmuffs. "There must be secrets yet undelved!"
"She's still crazy." Thunderlane plopped down on his rump. "And I'm still erect."
Rarity turned around and presented to him. "You'll have to fuck Starlight and I, at least, to get the potion worn off."
"'At least'?" Thunderlane shrugged and hopped onto Rarity's back. His cock was still so wet with Coco's smeared lube and... other bodily material... that he slid easily into Rarity's ass. "Wow, you're a lot tighter than Coco."
"I should hope so," Rarity purred.
Sunburst watched that and noticed Starlight pressing a probe of levitation up her own butt as she, too, watched.
"Gonna finish Coco off?" Starlight asked.
Sunburst checked that the hood of his costume was in place and hopped up on Coco's back.
"Well, hi!" Coco said.
Sunburst ignored Thunderlane's dripping cum and just pressed in. Coco screamed in surprise—Sunburst was unusually huge, after all, even compared to the Wonderbolt—and he unceremoniously pushed in past his medial ring, burying himself fully in a single stroke. Frankly, given Coco's petite size and Sunburst's gifted length, Sunburst probably wasn't too far short of being able to do CPR from inside her ribcage just by humping.
Coco whinnied and shook, her body trembling around the sudden impaling mass of Sunburst's invasion. After a few moments, her asshole and colon began a slow, rhythmic clenching around his shaft, gripping and massaging him while he was still motionless.
Sunburst's eyes crossed and went blurry at this sensation, unlike any mare's ass—or vagina, or throat—he had before experienced.
"Wow!" Sunburst said. Coco had a gift, indeed.
Thunderlane whinnied as he rutted Rarity hard. Sunburst looked at them and pondered. He was accustomed to being tied down and watching Starlight or Twilight rut each other's asses with dickmare potions, generally before they took his butt, but he'd never watched another stallion rut a mare before.
He shrugged. That weirdness was probably nothing compared to the whole flying saucer aesthetic.
Sunburst started pressing his hips forward and backward—slightly, very slightly—as Coco massaged him. They settled into a rhythm and the wet heat of her lubed colon tingled up and down his shaft. Her asshole pulsed around his base, her breathing fast and hard, her scrawny ribcage rising and falling adorably.
Thunderlane came inside Rarity, Rarity's pussy squirting as she came with a shout. Thunderlane immediately hopped off Rarity, her ass dripping an impressive load of cum, before attempting to mount Starlight. Starlight levitated him up, flipped him onto his back, and straddled him, dropping her ass onto his still-hard, still-lubed, cum-dripping shaft and started riding him. He began to object but Starlight shoved a hoof in his mouth, shushing him.
Coco's tongue stretched out and her head rose to the ceiling, bliss building on her face. Her entire butt clenched, from her cutie marks to her tight asshole to her deepest insides as she screamed in pleasure, the hot sensation around his cock combining with the wetness of her pussy squirting across his balls to surprise Sunburst with a sudden ejaculation of his own, his cock expanding another half a size and his balls tightening up to his underside as he unloaded, magic from the Zecora potion burning like menthol up and down his cock.
He dropped down to his rump on the floor. Coco collapsed in the rack, hanging limply, her ass dripping cum at a now-redoubled rate.
Noticing he still had an erection, Sunburst hustled around behind Rarity and pressed into her well-stretched asshole.
"I don't like being the second dude with each mare," he said. "You should have let me do Starlight's ass first."
"Don't whine like a little foal, Darling," Rarity said as she pressed her hips backwards, taking in Sunburst's cock fully. "If it's any consolation, you're bigger."
"I'm right here!" Thunderlane snapped.
Ignoring Thunderlane's cum, Sunburst quickly pounded Rarity and came again, pressed deep into her, his balls pulsing and throbbing. By this time, Thunderlane had finished in Starlight's ass.
They sat around, looking at each other and panting. Sunburst had a bit of an erection, still, and Starlight gave him a perfunctory glowjob, finishing him off, while Rarity rubbed his balls lightly with a hoof.
"Okay," Starlight said, standing up and dripping cum onto the floor of the saucer from her ass. "Let's drop Coco back off where we found her."
"I'm still not happy about this whole thing, Rarity," Sunburst said as they walked back to Ponyville from disposing of the saucer and alien costumes in Ghastly Gorge. Rarity assumed Maud would find the saucer eventually and report it as a legitimate alien crash site.
Thunderlane just nodded. He walked in the middle of a triangle formed by the three unicorns, since he was the only one who didn't have a horn he could light up. The mares walked upwind of the two stallions, since their cocks still smelled of a combination of Coco's, Rarity's, and Starlight's bumbums.
At that moment, a massive pillar of light shined down and they were lifted up, toward the sky. Starlight had enough sense to notice that whatever was lifting them didn't have the tingle of a levitation spell. A powerful hypnotic humming drove the ponies down into a sudden slumber.
They awoke in the brightly lit, stainless-steel interior of a flying saucer. Tall, slim bipedal gray aliens milled around.
The ponies were all in steel racks, their heads and forehooves trapped, their rear hooves on the smooth floor. Big Mac and one of the Sweet Apple Acres heifers were also there, along with a very cranky Cranky Doodle Donkey, whose doodle was noticeably cranked.
One of the aliens held up a large brass probe, glistening with lube, and stared at Rarity.
"Apparently," Rarity sighed, "they're from the karma planet."
Author's Note
This one is a little experimental and outside my usual bailiwick. However, an artist who doesn't stretch his limits will never improve; we can, after all, name plenty of folks in the new column (or the New York Times Bestseller list) who write the same thing over and over. Cadance forbid I ever be that person.
