Cupcake Factory

“I have only one suggestion right now... Pyramid Head” -SomeGuyCamping
“How about showing him there are worse places than Silent Hill to be.” -Psycho

Cupcake Factory

By Nero Darkard (aka. NeroTheDarklord)

Chapter 9: Triangle Man

What a day, he thought. Yet again so many stupid humans wandering into the seventh circle of hell. Once more, he had quite his hands full with punishing so many. As he sat on some nearby stone stairs, adjusting his robe made of dried human skin and using a rock to sharpen his humongous knife, Pyramid Head could not help but wonder why his boss Lucifer even went through all this effort. He creates a whole dimension of punishment exclusively to respond to only a single individual. Everyone else present is only symbolic to this human’s punishment.

Most of the time, Pyramid Head doesn’t even get to catch the humans. By Lucifer’s order, he always had to wear heavy metal shackles around his ankles to slow him down and even though Pyramid Head was supernaturally strong, the knife he had to swing was precisely made to only gain momentum very slowly. It would nearly be a joy to finally get your hands on one of those stupid humans if it wasn’t such a chore.

Oh, there it goes again. Ash is falling from the sky. The weather in Silent Hill is just never good. Either its raining ash or it is demon hour and everything decays and get coated in blood. Pyramid Head was really getting sick of this sight. Gray, red, brown. Gray, red, brown. Those are the only colors around. He was so fed up with this scenery. How long has it been since Lucifer last allowed him to take a vacation? Feels like it’s been aeons. Maybe it even has been.

Hmm… something is strange with the ash rain today, Pyramid Head thought. Why is there so much at once? Is the furnace which keeps hell burning overdoing it again? Well, if this keeps up, he might as well take off his shackles and start using his sword as a snowboard soon.

Just as he thought that, it started getting dark very rapidly. Oh, great. Demon hour again. Now he had to hurry over to the cafeteria before all his underworld colleagues eat away his lunch. Hang on a minute… What is that noise? Sounds like an avalanche. Snow? Down here?

Before Pyramid Head understood what was happening, he suddenly found himself being washed away by a huge wave of ash.

No idea how long he has been digging. Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? Pyramid Head could dig upwards as much as he wanted, it seemed like the stupid masses of ash would never stop. Of course, he also had to drag that stupid fucking knife with him. Lucifer would flip his shit if he had to order yet another one from the devil blacksmith because Pyramid lost it. Those things must be pretty expensive, since they are custom pieces.

Anyway. Just when Pyramid Head was thinking about giving up trying to reach the surface and instead making a cave in the ash to live in it from now on, he saw something he hadn’t seen in ages.

Sunlight? Seriously? There is sunlight in hell now? When did that happen?

Ultimately, a fist breached out of the ground, soon followed by a triangular head and an unnaturally huge knife. It took him a while, but when he was finally able to see again, Pyramid Head could only scratch his helmet in confusion.

He suddenly found himself in a pastel colored extensive hilly landscape. The sun was shining brightly above him, the sky was crystal clear and blue. No cloud anywhere. No ash, no blood, no rust, no decay. Has Lucifer been smoking pot again? Well, better start looking for the human who belongs to this personalized hell.

Ah fuck. If only he could take off those fucking shackles. He needs hours just to get across a building and walking stairs can become a day’s labour. Well, after hours of painfully inching his way along a road, he spotted a town in the distance. Immediately, he saw that it was not filled with humanoid creatures, but with equines. Small horses of all sorts of colors. Bright, happy and squishy looking. You can say what you want, but Lucifer has humor.

Demons can’t exactly starve to death. But man was Pyramid Head hungry. He badly needed to shove some food underneath this mask… helmet… thingy… God fucking damnit why must everything be so impractical and inconvenient.

Again, it took ages for him to get down from that hill and into the villages. Of course, he had to get spotted at some point. The small creatures started gathering up at the border of the village, staring at him in confusion. Some were nervous, some were curious, but all seemed uneasy. Eventually, Pyramid Head reached the crowd.

“Um, hello. What are you?” one of the horses asked.

Hang on a minute. Did that thing just talk? Lucifer really overdid it with the drugs this time. Well, whatever. This won’t stop him from getting some lunch.

One brave little pony approached the huge, alien-looking creature, who then picked it up. For a moment, it seemed like they were just staring at each other. But then, Pyramid Head harshly grabbed the fur on it’s chest and started to twist it. The pony screamed in pain, instantly alarming all the other ones. But before any could react, Pyramid Head cleanly ripped off the whole hide at once.

The other ponies were aghast. Most fled, some kept staring in shock, but only few were actually provoked and began to attack the demon man. Pyramid Head, though, was used to abuse. You could empty out a whole minigun magazine on him, he would hardly even flinch. There’s always some asshole running around with a shotgun in SIlent Hill.

Damn, why does everything have to be faster than him? With his oversized kitchen knife, he had a hard time hitting even a single of those little bastards. As if their quick hooves would not be bad enough, some even had wings and could fly. But worst of all where these small horned fuckers. Just when he finally had his knife aligned for a strike, they go like hocus pocus and teleport away. Ugh!

What a chore. Every fucking time again. What is all this strength and durability good for when you are so slow, you have to worry about a speeding snail crushing in your heels? And worst of all, they just kept coming! What is it with these tiny horses? What is it with this storybook world? Are we dealing with a pedophile this time?

“Enough!” a female voice suddenly screamed.

The battling ponies and Pyramid Head turned their focus to the source of the voice, only to find themselves unexplainably petrified in the same instant. There was a yellow coated, pink maned winged pony floating in the air, staring at them. Those eyes... There was something in them Pyramid Head only knew from those of Lucifer. Holy hell this one must be evil.

After a moment, the stare ended and Pyramid Head was able to move again. He just lowered his guard and walked up to the pony. Clearly, she must be a demon, too.

Pyramid Head stood in front of her, both staring at eachother. The spectators feared that the same scene from just a few minutes ago would repeat over again, causing many to already run away. But Pyramid didn’t raise his hands and even the pony’s expression slowly became more relaxed.

“Paul. Really now. You are not supposed to be here. How did you even get to Equestria?” the floating pony asked.

That’s odd. She knew his actual name. Well, that confirmed it that she is a demon, too. Hold on a second. Could it be?

“Um. Why, yes. My name is Fluttershy,” the mare responded after reading his mind.

Ah. Of course. It was Lucifer’s daughter. That explained everything. Well, almost. Pyramid Head, too, had no idea how he came here. He was about to ask Fluttershy if his father had told her anything when he heard galloping from the side.

“Ah! Finally! There you are! Come along, Mr. Head. We need to introduce you to the team right away!” a white mare with blue mane spoke.

“Did you bring him here, Rarity?” Fluttershy wondered.

“More or less, darling. I had a little word with your father. My SM club simply needs more dominant male employees who can take a beating. We are utterly lacking qualified staff. But this handsome devil… oh, quite literally... seems like he might be perfect for the job,” Rarity explained.

Now it all came together. Finally. After such a long time, Pyramid Head gets a break from Silent Hill and the daily butchering. Lucifer already told him about the rainbow factory, the cupcake factory, the bloodthirsty cannibals and the mad supervillains in Equestria. He just never could imagine what it would be like. Now that he was here, Pyramid Head thought that even though it looked very bright and happy, it was actually rotten to the core. Not much different from Silent Hill all in all. Maybe even slightly worse, since no one would expect so many horrors to happen in a land of rainbows and friendship.

To make this all the sweeter, it seemed like Pyramid Head would even keep going with what he was best in: Punishing. Just this time, he would need to make sure not to kill his targets. If they are tied down, they won’t even run away from him anymore! Oh, this is going to be great, he thought.

“Mr. Head? Are you coming?” Rarity called.

Oh, right. Duty calls. Giving a short signal to wait, he undid the shackles around his ankles. Ah, such freedom! No need for that junk anymore. Casually, Pyramid Head tossed the knife on his shoulder, picked up a severed pony leg and started following Rarity, leaving everything else behind.

What a strange day this had been again for the villagers of Ponyville. Feels like just a few days ago when they last had a massacre. But some oh so brave heroes always have to jump in action and get killed. The rest just shrugged it off as just another small calamity and continued with their own business.

Only Fluttershy still remained standing over the approximately five roughly minced corpses, pondering who will clean up this mess. Finally, she just shrugged and flew away to get a bag. The cupcake factory surely can use fresh ingredients.