"Sprout, what the hell." Posey stared at her stallion and sighed as he had just finished explaining what wonderful weekly activity she'd do. "You're kidding, right?"

Sprout tapped his hooves together and shook his head. "I mean it's not that bad of an idea. And Hitch agreed to it, at least in spirit."

Posey grumbled and took a sip of her coffee, it was way too early to deal with this. She grimaced and took a bite of her toast and stretched out, her slight swell of her stomach hinting that yes, she was definitely knocked up. And so, while her favorite stallion was a bit of a dunce, she at least tolerated him for one good reason. "If I do this, I get one free fuck session."

Sprout blushed crimson and looked down. "I don't take bribes."

Posey rolled her eyes. Sprout totally took bribes- she had heard enough of the stallion's problems in the last few months that she knew for a fact that Sprout and Hitch had weekly meetings over 'Sprout getting bribed with food' the stallion loved snacking and Posey herself had used that to her advantage once or twice before the pair had started fucking like rabbits. Once they did, all she had to do to get Sprout's attention was to just wave her tail in front of his face and bone the stallion. Not like she minded, she was horny all the time and the only thing that worked for her urges now was his emperor sized rod of a member. "Uh huh. So I have to talk to Pipp and do this Pippcast thing. And what else?" There was always something else with Sunny's batshit friends.

"That's mostly it. Get your name out there. Anyway, I doubt she'd actually want to hang out with you anyway- not that that's a dig at you, it's just. . .the way Hitch talks about Pipp. Kind of hard to take her seriously since Hitch showed me some of her music and its just so vapid. She has a whole song about eating cake. And loving her dogs. She's pretty much completely harmless."

Posey groaned. " Fantastic, just have to act nice and use her and move on. . .use you Mom's tactics of self promotion against her? Getting my name out there and having ponies like me. Good plan- won't backfire at all, not at all. Though I might have to mention a few things about us, I mean its an interview. Ponies love gossip and fun."

Sprout's eyes narrowed as he realized the horror of what she was implying. "Oh earth no."

***

Posey walked carefully through Mane Melody's door. She had grown accustomed to being here since most of the Bay's shops still gave her the stink eye whenever she was near. This gaudy boutique of a hair salon was adequate for her needs, even if she was still uncomfortable around pegasi. She cantered up to the counter and tried to fake a smile since Rocky was currently there. "I'm here for this 'Pippcast' stuff. Whatever that means." She honestly didn't know. Maybe Pipp was an avid fishing champion or something, its not like Posey had much knowledge of pegasi culture ever since her parents got the Canterlogic treatment. Maybe pegasi were addicted to fish or something. Though she doubted Pipp Petals was an avid fishermare.

Rocky nodded. "Sure, let me just tell Jazz you are here. We kind of expected you to be late for this."

Posey rolled her eyes. "I'm rarely late to hair appointments. Sure, this is different, but I try to be punctual."

Rocky shrugged. "It's more the 'tell-all interview bit, Pipp's style of interview for the Pippcast is kind of out there and throws ponies off. She's kind of had some real interesting interview fails cause of that. Still makes content interesting, just volatile. That's what made me think you'd dip out."

Posey doubted that Pipp could compare to the awkwardness and discomfort that Sprout's mother's questions had caused her just a few weeks ago. Compared to that disaster, Pipp would probably be just fine.

***

"Hello Equestria, this is the Pippcast and I'm your royal host, Pipp Petals. Our fantastic co-host and second in command for my life, Jazz, is controlling all these switches like she always does and with me today is a special guest, Posey Bloom. Now for those you don't know the 411 about her, she's only Maretime Bay's second, and latest, troublemaker following in the hoofsteps of one Sprout Cloverleaf. I don't want to assume that earth ponies are just more prone to being evil, you know stereotypes and all, but that's some real bad luck."

Posey fidgeted as Pipp talked to nothing. Sure she knew this was being livestreamed to a whole number of sites- some that the earth pony had barely heard of, but the act of speaking out into the void and receiving feedback was kind of creepy to her. Like Pipp was talking to voices or ghosts. She fiddled with her headphone cord as the pegasus detailed Posey's life story in excruciating detail and she sat their self consciously debating if this was a good idea or not. Sprout was the one who could bullshit his way out of a paper bag- Posey had read most of his interviews due to her slightly obsessive crush on him and he could usually figure out how to turn a bad question to gold. Though she soon realized that part of that was his mother's coaching and influence. Or he was fed softball questions that even foals could answer.

Still, he learned something about optics and she had talked big when she popped this idea on him.

She was secretly worried that she could put her hoof in her mouth and trip over her words. With how complete Canterlogic's hold was in Maretime Bay, she bet Sprout's mother was listening in somewhere and taking notes. She breathed out and steadied herself, she had written out general ideas and thoughts and translating that to words couldn't be that difficult.

Pipp turned and smiled at nopony and leaned on her table with her hooves crossed, carefully eyeing up the newest pony for her interview. "So simple questions first and then we peel back to the harder questions. My fans call it the onion method. Posey, what is your favorite color?"

Posey shrugged. "Green? I think? I mean I grow flowers and-"

Pipp waved a hoof. "Neat, what's your ideal date? Or how to get your significant other in the mood."

Posey blinked. She hadn't been done answering the first question. "Probably watching a movie and then seeing where that gets me with my date." Posey blushed as a memory hit her. She had pulled out her respectable collection of sex toys that she had in her closet and showed it to Sprout who had been cautiously optimistic on what exactly the collection meant for his future prospects. "I mean I'd be open for a lot of things. . .nothing too special or crazy."

"This one's the Whore Breaker 3000." Posey pulled out a strap on that rivaled Sprout's very own impressive dick, the cool black plastic sheen glinting in the light. "But we'd work our way up to that."

Sprout carefully nodded. He was not particularly knowledgeable in the ways of sex, even after two months of doing it- he knew enough to blow Posey's mind and knock her up accidentally, but the sheltered nature of his upbringing and the few times he watched porn- and made a mess he later regretted- didn't really prepare him for Posey's menagerie of sex toys. "So uh, just a thought, but can start with something. . .much, much smaller?"

Posey hefted the large toy into its protective case and smiled. "Sure, though don't say what you're thinking right now."

Sprout blushed. "It's kind of too big. Like for anypony."

Posey rolled her eyes. "And there we go. You know, Sprout, that I measured you and your dick is bigger than this toy right? And somehow I can take it, with effort mind you, but I can make it work? So this. . ." Posey poked the case. " massive, unwieldy toy is smaller than your dick. You thinking we'd start out with this monster is just wishful thinking. And horribly dangerous and stupid. We'd have to work our way up to this one- I have way more manageable ones in the closet." Posey winked as her cute stallion breathed a sigh of relief. "Anyway, this little test was more about me saying to you that while I love milking your dick for all its worth and that won't stop cause you make some cute face when we do it, I'm just saying that in like a few months when our little bundle of joy or bundle of joys start doing stuff right in here I'd rather you not impale me with your massive hog." Posey winked. "So I got creative. The 'next best thing' of me pegging you. And you'll probably enjoy it."

Sprout blushed. "I really shouldn't have mentioned the multiple Hitch calendars I own, huh?"

Posey shrugged. "Eh not holding it against you. I don't like the stallion but he's attractive enough. I just don't want you to have blue balls for like six whole months cause I'd imagine your little endowments right here and here-" Posey carefully cradled his balls and traced a hoof over the large orbs for a moment and she could see Sprout stiffen to attention as she slowly worked him over. "these would just swell right up and while that sounds incredibly hot, I don't want to be impregnated the moment I give birth." Posey was mostly teasing her cute red stallion, but she had priorities and while one of them was 'getting railed like there was no tomorrow" she'd prefer to pace out her chances of getting knocked up. "Would be nice in theory but there's no way I spend most of the next, let's see, maybe fifteen, twenty years in some pregnant state. I don't have a pregnancy fetish that I know of. I think."

"Fine." Sprout looked away for a moment, his cheeks crimson at the intrusive thought of Posey being like that. "Though I doubt I'd like being on the receiving end." Sprout blushed harder as he rested a hoof on Posey's slightly rounded middle, the beginnings of a baby bump beginning to be noticeable on her. "But if you think it might be a fun time, I'll trust you."

Posey smiled. "Fantastic, now what should we have for dinner? And if you say pizza, I will have to rethink my attraction to you."

Sprout looked at her with a worried look on his face.

"It's a joke, Sprout, you'd have to do more than eat a pizza a day to make me rethink my life with you. Unlike your mother, I think pizza and chilling is a totally good way to spend our time together. I tried eating salad once and it was super boring. And pizza is like a vegetable magnet if you want to be technical. I'm not just a meat fanatic." Posey grinned and ran a hoof down Sprout's leg. "Though you definitely make me meat crazed. But that's just cause you're so cute."

Sprout gulped as he felt Posey slide on down. "I thought we were going to eat dinner-" He leaned back and moaned as she began to suck.

***

"Well, that was just a wonderful Pippcast. When Sprout mentioned this little plan. I thought 'interesting, kind of a good time in theory, but not an iconic-a interview. But you definitely did better than Alphabittle. I thought he'd have been better at fielding questions and running with the punches, but nope. Had to edit a lot of that Pippcast, mostly cause I didn't think a pony who knew Izzy would be so averse to questions and secondly, dealing with an international scandal popping out live on air." Pipp shook her head as she slurped up the smoothie she created during the 'Smoothie Battle' section of her Pippcast. "Though it makes sense why mother was acting so strangely during the Bridlewood Unity Welcome Party. In hindsight, knowing my mother and Alphabittle are an item is just an odd thing. Haven't even told Zipp about it cause she can't keep secrets for the life of her. She'd probably blab the news to Mom and she's worse than I am in getting bad news."

Posey had no idea what the pink princess was babbling about but she had survived Izzy's madness, so she just nodded and let the royal pain talk. "So I should probably go. I mean Sprout told me it was just this one interview and I have stuff to do." She didn't but after the hour and a half of weirdly simple, yet invasive questions said in a speedy manner followed by asinine food challenges that Jazz and Pipp seemed to come up with on the spot- the interview had devolved into a self sustaining comedy routine of failure. She could probably find a fake reason and hoof it out of there as fast as she could. "I have stuff. . .to do."

Pipp rolled her eyes and huffed. "And here I thought the interview was a whole day affair." Pipp crossed her hooves in thought and sighed. "Izzy said she had a blast with you- while I do not support any form of criminal activity due to it being on the list of potentially cancellable offenses, she enjoyed herself. Izzy was kind of your hype mare. She spent hours talking my ear off about how much fun doing crime was."

Posey gulped and imagined the hellscape of lies that Izzy told the short pink mare. "Whatever she said was greatly exaggerated. And I tried to diffuse the situation as much as possible."

Pipp nodded. "And water is wet. I know exactly how Izzy acts. I mean I've used my friends to provide easy content for ClipTrot. She's a hooffull and a half but her antics get views. Especially when she outed herself as Sneaksy, the hottest graffiti artist in Maretime Bay." Pipp shook her head. "That was only like the most viewed Pippcast episode cause of the hot goss I had about that."

Posey gulped as she waited for the other horseshoe to drop. "While I love a good story, I have a previous thing to do. Totally legitimate thing."

"I'd pay you for your time or give you an autograph or shoutout on my page. You know besides the whole self contained interview." Pipp opened her phone and scrolled through her carefully managed schedule that Jazz had meticulously set up for her. "Let's see a live, a bit of a shopping excursion to sample some of the Maretime Bay wares so this town gets some added hooftraffic but that can be pushed off a bit. I mean I shop all the time and its more a 'might be nice' thing, a performance with the Filly Four since Sugar Moonlight left and they need a hype moment. That one's a mandatory thing. And probably a few other random moments cause my Pippsqueaks love seeing me enjoy my day. But I'll get those livestream moments when I have a real good idea. Oh and we could grab a late lunch after and talk about our lives, I get that you are in the worst prison experience in Equestria- no spa in prison is a terrible rehabilitation plan- but I'm not a great jailer and we can talk mare to mare, get to know each other outside of work."

Posey raised an eyebrow as she tried to make sense of Pipp nothing schedule. "We finished the interview and aren't at Mane Melody, aren't you-"

Pipp raised a hoof and looked way up at the much taller mare. "I'm a social media influencer- I'm chronically online. It's my job. I mean how else would the royal budget be so cheap- I give free publicity to my mother's plans and Equestria gets a reality tv show through the net. Zephyr Heights gets content and Mother gets a popularity boost from my fans. Also I get free swag for my time and effort. But yeah, I'm always on the clock. It's exhausting but somepony has to take it for the team."

Posey tried to fake a smile. She could tell after the last few weeks of "Sunny's friends are weird and I tolerate them for Sprout's dick" shenanigans that something, anything, anything at all would go wrong because it just would. She had learned that being near Sunny's friends was a recipe for sheer madness and a way to ruin her day. Though one bad day could be worth it if the other six she was with Sprout and just chilling. "Fine. So lunch first or help your weird other influencer friends with their dumb thing?"

Pipp flapped her wings slowly in thought. "I could eat, but probably after the show. Oh and the Filly Four are acquaintances, not friends. Friendship is too dangerous in the influencer waters. The algorithm gives and it takes and ponies get cancelled or shadowbanished at the drop of a hat. And the Filly Four love drama."

"-but you have friends. . ."

Pipp rolled her eyes like she was saying the simplest thing. "And they aren't famous or influencers though Sunny is kind of in that "is she an influencer or not" category since she's like the only alicorn in like forever. Though with how we kind of share living accommodations and therefore are all roomies, minus Hitch for obvious stallion reasons and cause he owns his own place, like Sunny's probably my favorite roommate- minimal drama, no familial bond, not Izzy. . .Izzy's eccentric and fun but she is like the absolute worst roommate. Izzy may be Sneaksy, but her abysmal skincare routine, terrible etiquette and unicorn oddities make her the most normal famous pony I know."

Posey cocked her head. "-but wouldn't that make her the oddest one?"

Pipp shook her head. "We're famous ponies, not well adjusted ones and while I've kept my brand rather sparkly clean for the most part- no drug scandals, racism, or political hot takes. . .it doesn't mean I'm the best one either. You have to have a certain viewpoint, a drive to be famous and not everypony has that. Izzy just has being Sneaksy, not being horribly racist to ponies and zero drug issues. As far as I can tell she just started doing art cause she was bored, not wanting to be famous- hence why she's more normal than most. There's ponies that get into the influencer life so much that they become literal monsters. Figuratively at least."

***

Sprout sighed as he looked around the Maretime Bay Square and checked for any undesirable or dangerous ponies. He had a wonderful day at work- in that he didn't have much of anything planned- and then poof, Hitch walked in and ruined his day. Sure, he was counting the different patterns on the jail's ceiling but it wasn't his fault the most dangerous thing in Mareime Bay was, unfortunately, his marefriend and her rampant chaotic hotness.

"Hey, waiter, can you get me some of those complementary snacks your boss talked about?" One of the Filly Four, was it Lily? He couldn't tell the two earth ponies apart- two were rather normal and somewhat well adjusted unicorns- the newbies as the two original members called them. Maybe it was Rosedust he was unfortunately speaking to.

"I'm not a waiter, we've been over this multiple times, I'm part of your security detail for earth's sake."

"Yeah, but like I was promised complementary candy and other fun and this place is harshing my vibe. Also how can you protect us, like the new unicorns from Bridlewood are better at protection spells than you and one of them is functionally magicless. Dunno what's up with that but either way, idiot, get me candy or else me and Lily get to write a sternly worded one star review of our experience and that's totes awful. It would completely ruin the Maretime Bay experience- and this town is trashier than most."

Sprout breathed out and counted to ten as he kept some rather unflattering words from spilling out. He trotted to the rather close backstage candy buffet and grabbed a nearby plastic pail and shoveled in hooffulls of the sweet treats. He huffed as he walked carefully over to the backstage room and carefully knocked. He was rather miffed, but he was focused on making it through this terrible assignment. The blue unicorn, he thought her name was Misty, answered with a sheepish look on her face.

"Oh candy." Misty's eyes lit up for a moment and coughed. "Let me guess, Rosedust? I mean its most likely not Onyx and her poetry that made you grab candy. Think she has a nut allergy, or she's so "eco-friendly" whatever that means that she abstains.'

Sprout groaned. "Can you tell her that I'm not a waiter at least. She's not paying attention to me when I say it."

Misty groaned. "Yeah, they kind of hate me. Not my fault it just so happens that the moment their previous unicorn, Juniper Starshine, had a nasty accident and became a paraplegic pony. The sound system that fell on her was loose. Unfortunate accident. I actually feel really guilty about it. . .I mean guilty for taking her place. They actually liked her but its kind of hard having a perfect social media presence when your unicorn member is in a wheelchair. Something about being super un-mellow and ruining their day. How should I have known it would land like five hundred pounds of stuff on her spine? I mean how could they have known their setup was so dangerous?"

Sprout grimaced. He didn't have to know Misty's life story- she was nice but he expected to never see her again. Maretime Bay was a nice town but the four influencers only came cause they wanted some undefinable resource Pipp had called 'clout' cause Sunny was a newly minted alicorn. At least Misty and Onyx didn't make him want to pull out his mane whenever they talked. "Okay, well, just tell Onyx about it, they seem to listen to her. I think at least."

Misty nodded and grabbed the heavy pail of treats, huffing as she did so. "It's more that Onyx drones on and on and reaches through Rosedust and Lily's influencer mindset. She bores them to death and forces them to do stuff. It's kind of like magic. Nagging magic. Wish I had something like that." Misty looked sad for a brief moment. "But well it's fine. Hope Sunny comes it'd be nice to meet a new alicorn." Misty smiled.

"Yeah this isn't for that. It's a Unity Concert. Canterlogic sponsored. Maybe Sunny would pop up but I doubt it, she'd be more focused on doing her smoothie business and she's terrible at giving speeches. Though in hindsight, it might have just been nerves. I mean Canterlogic speech camps were more propaganda machines than anything nice, but they attempted to teach ponies to rattle off Canterlogic supported facts."

Misty cocked her head. "Odd. You'd think an alicorn would get their rightful place to rule over Equestria. . .Opaline, my. . .uh, personal manager talked up alicorns like they were all knowing gods, capable of shaping the world as they wished and able to rule with an iron hoof."

Sprout laughed. "That's ridiculous. I've seen Sunny sob over minimal things: bruised fruits, memes, running out of new questions to ask ponies in her list of questions. She's less a dictator and more a teddy bear. I should know. I was a former dictator." He cringed as that slipped out. "Reformed. Totally not doing dictator stuff now. My marefriend would murder me."

***

Posey sighed as she looked around the Square and grimaced as she saw throngs of ponies ready to glimpse these four idiots. Pipp had talked her ear off on the way here, telling her, through no fault of her own, the Filly Four's backstories. All of them. Really the group should be called "whatever ponies answered the call of fame" because at last count there had been three main members and a rotating cast of seven others holding the fourth spot until some horrible issue arose. Pipp called it a content farm, or something similar. Posey wasn't hip with the terms of the internet if it didn't involve porn. She had taken her morality police job very seriously- enough that once she wasn't doing it for the 'good' of the Bay, she was ironically now the most immoral pony in town. Sprout said it was her reaction to her new normal.

Posey shrugged and let the whispers she could hear from more adult members in the crowd and let it fuel her. They had grown to see her as a force of chaos- mentions of her escapade with Izzy were noticeable as she passed by and rumors spread by Mrs. Cloverleaf mixed into a mess of gossip that Posey let slide by. Oh she was positively livid with some of the false words they said and she'd work out that anger in her own way, but it wasn't the time or place to cause a scene.

She was trying to have a low profile.

"Hey, Pippsqueaks, its your Princess Pipp Petals here at the Maretime Bay Square providing you all with a fair view of the Four Fillies song and dance routine, I'm here with my newest interviewee, Posey Bloom. . ." Pipp waved her ungodly phone in front of Posey's face to show off that, yes, she wasn't lying about it. "And you'll get to learn all about Maretime Bay's second favorite criminal mastermind and her wants, needs, and dreams in the newest Pippcast on your favorite podcast provider. Pipp minutes finito. See ya." Pipp blew a kiss at her phone and shut off the stream.

Posey now had a decidedly not low profile. She could see ponies in the corner of her peripheral vision whispering yet again about this new hot gossip and she hated it. "Pipp, what the. . .flip are you doing?" Posey rather wanted to punctuate her annoyance with some slightly harsh words, but she steadied herself. "Warn me next time. I could have been doing something inappropriate or something."

Pipp shrugged. "It was time for the scheduled update. Made it a thing a few weeks back. While I like some sense of privacy, the whole 'getting stuck in a cave with Zipp for hours' was an eye opening experience. And a good character building moment. I mean Zipp and I worked out a lot of our issues with Royal Picture Day and our bond as sisters and Zipp learned that my Pippsqueaks are the best army ever. Seriously I thought we'd die down there- so mandatory safety checks are kind of a good idea. Though I haven't worked out the logistics of internet updates in the Equestrian wilderness. Very little wifi in those places. My data plan already hates me, I wouldn't want to livestream in the middle of nowhere. Bad quality and cell data? Terrible mix."

Posey rolled her eyes. "Right, well let's chill with the updates. I mean its a concert what's the worst that could happen?"

Pipp shivered. "A lot of things. Dehydration, crowd crushes, murder, drugs, sex. Not to mention accidental food poisoning."

Posey facehoofed. "Okay there could be bad things, but sex? Really sex is in a list with. . .all of that? Sex is like the least worrisome thing ever there."

Pipp frowned. "Mother told me the birds and the bees talk and it was the most horrifying thing ever." Pipp shivered as she thought back to that very traumatic memory. "Honestly, I play up my knowledgeable sex guru self on the Pippcast cause there's some ponies that want to get their issues answered, but everytime I do it, it makes me almost sick to my stomach."

"Yeah, the sex talk would be traumatic. I guess. It's not like I have any idea what that's like. The whole 'being an orphan thing thanks to Canterlogic' kind of made me learn what sex was thanks to Playmare and other things like it. Still how bad could it be?" Posey grumbled, the words coming out way too harshly as she said it. Fuck, she meant it to come out nicer, but the jostling fans and the eyes all on her completely threw her off. "I mean-"

Pipp blinked. "Oh yeah, sorry about that. Sorry, should have toned that down a bit since Jazz totes gave me all your info- sorry about your parents." Pipp cleared her throat and looked at nothing in particular as she recounted the harrowing tale. "Uh, well, Mother told me about the birds and the bees and how when they get together and get in the mood, the bees swarm the birds and sting them all over and then a massive ghost stork comes out of the bird corpses and that's how babies are made. But then she said that was a metaphor and actually replace birds and bees with mares and stallions and then I got the hint, threw up in disgust and ran out of the room in shock. I was eight. It kind of put me off of. . .sex" Pipp whispered that word in hushed tones- "for like forever."

Posey stared at Pipp like the posh pink mare had grown a second head. "That's not how any of that works. Like at all. I can't believe I'm saying this but please ask Sunny what sex is. Sure she'd probably provide you weird sex questionnaires if Sprout's words are to be believed, but she'd quickly stop you from thinking sex causes you to reenact a horror movie."

Pipp shivered. "A bad horror movie cause I love horror movies. It's kind of my thing." Pipp breathed a massive sigh of relief. "Good. There's a certain somepony I might have-"

Posey rolled her eyes. "I'm fairly certain it's Hitch." Posey noticed Pipp's horrified face shift through the five stages of grief in her peripheral vision. "No, I'm not attracted to the idiot, Pipp, I see your mind working. It's just that Hitch is kind of Maretime Bay's first or second hottest stallion depending on who you ask." Posey was lying, to most ponies Hitch was the only choice, but her number one was Sprout and would always be Sprout, for slowly growing pregnancy reasons and just that he wasn't Sheriff Goody Horseshoes and his paranoid attempts to patrol the town. And secondly, she had seen a fair bit of porn and Sprout was the biggest stallion she knew and she doubted there was somepony bigger, so she put him on top of the "hottest stallion" list for sure. Plus, he didn't make her want to tear her man out when he was speaking- so she could stand being near him. Unlike Hitch who she found sanctimonious and obnoxious. Though with how the town spoke of Hitch and his raw animal magnetism she shivered.

Posey blinked and grimaced at the thought that crossed her mind. Did her self appointed morality police role keep Hitch's charisma and natural magnetism a non issue? She pushed that sickening idea of a world where she thought Hitch was choice number one of bone-able stallions into the deep dark recesses of her mind and looked back at Pipp. "Just a word of advice, Hitch is super oblivious, like massively stupidly oblivious. If you want to get with Hitch, I say come on strong. Strong enough that he can't misconstrue what you want from him."

Pipp nodded. "Okay. I'll. . .think on that. Take your advice."

Posey felt a slight rush as she wondered if she created a future problem. Or a sex starved monster if Pipp jumped headlong into breaking her virginal curse. "Wonderful. You do that." Posey tried to put as much sarcasm as she could muster into her words but the pink pegasus looked lost in her own world.

Posey didn't have time to fix the issue as the Filly Four took the stage and a rush of cacophonous screaming hit her ears.

***

Rosedust smiled as she heard the cries of her adoring and sometimes horny fans. There were perks in being a Filly Four member that her and Lily knew well- free fucking in each and every new town that the tour stopped at- all they needed was protection and some fat NDAs to get their rocks off. She focused on that happy ending she knew was possible after this disaster of a concert. She knew it in her bones that something would go wrong- what with Juniper getting nearly crushed to death by that freak accident and Sugar Moonlight retiring out of what did she call it 'a depressive funk' the vibe had shifted. The Filly Four were now two original members and two unicorns with a magicless idiot and a poet.

Rosedust knew unicorns were freaks but it really harshed her vibe. And it wasn't fun to get a vibe check in the midst of a tour. "Hey, Fourevers, you are the totes best fans." Rosedust hated her fake persona but it sold merch and made her likeable. "Let's hear it for Maretime Bay, the best town ever. Definitely top three best towns in Equestria at least." Rosedust knew of only three main towns in the country and middling stops outside of that so she wasn't technically wrong. "Let's hear it for our newest members, Misty Brightdawn and Onyx. They are commendable unicorns that bring up the unicorn race. Love those two."

Misty nervously waved as she tried to keep her anxiety from getting the best of her. "Thank-"

"And on to the show. Hit it, bitches. This is our new song, "Unity Rocks Cause of Magical Cocks"

***

Posey stared at Pipp for a moment once the music actually hit her. The cacophony that some called music would have completely ruined her day if it had been her old self listening to the raunchy lyrics that threw all double entendres out the window and trampled on them. She cupped her hooves and yelled at the pink princess next to her to be heard over the music. "When you said they weren't like you, I wasn't expecting that they'd sing about getting railed."

"~Why even try to flirt, flirt, flirt, let my pussy do the squirt, we can lounge around. . .and fuck.~"

Pipp rolled her eyes and typed a few lines on her phone and passed it to Posey. "When I said celebrities had to be off in some way, I meant it. Partially why I'm only really acquaintances with these mares. They bring controversy wherever they go. Out brands clash, me the normal safe popstar, them the ponies that live in the headlines for stuff like this. And rom the rumors, they do nothing good. Fame obsessed and completely focused on self satisfaction. Unlike me. I actually seem to care for my adoring fans.

Posey sighed as she watched the two earth ponies do a whole stripper pole routine which was rather impressive while the two unicorns uncomfortably swayed and didn't even sing. "They aren't even singing. I thought this was a concert, why is nopony actually singing? If I wanted to get shit like this I'd just lounge around with. . .my stallionfriend. . .and do anything else- or listen to their CD. Maybe have fun, but at least I'd not being going deaf."

"~I'm working the pole as you worship me, taking your nuts like their prescribed for me. Have two of them, call it ecstasy.~"

Pipp rolled her eyes and crossed her hooves. Posey couldn't hear her over the blaring sounds of what some ponies called music, but she read lips well enough. "Autotune and lip synching. They just have to fake singing and nopony cares. Like for real, I spend all this time actually trying to do. . .stuff with my performances and they get to record it and play it. It's hard to keep my voice in tip top shape and it takes work to do. . .whatever. Plus they are like totally fake. I can tell, it's hard to keep up a persona every moment of the day. Lily and Rosedust slipped a few times on tour." Posey cringed as she realized she must have touched a ridiculously sensitive subject with the normally annoying and bubbly mare to get snippy with her comments.

"Uh, okay. I was just complaining about the noise. That's all."

Pipp breathed out and Posey noticed a slight twitch in the corner of Pipp's eye as she turned toward the yellow mare. "I'm fine. Nothing that major. Not like they are destroying me on ClipTrot whenever they post. I'm not getting ratio'd. Not at all. You want to go backstage after this? This. . .performance is like their encore."

***

"Fuck yeah, that was a good show. Like did you see our fans cream themselves when we did the pole dancing? Sure it wasn't to the heights of when everypony got to do a slutty move but what can you do? Unicorns can't dance." Lily flipped her mane as she finished speaking to get her point across.

Onyx sighed and rolled her eyes as the glitter pony and shared a quick look with Misty. "I'd probably do anything else. I'd at least have my dignity. I'm going to have to send a harshly worded poetry slam to Alphabittle because he thought that getting the Bridlewood name out there was a good idea. It is, but not like this. Stupid Canterlogic sending him a note."

Rosedust pulled down her shades to glare at the unicorn poet. "Let me write a few bars of your response to him. Dear me, I'm such a bore. I'd rather be stuck up than a good little whore."

Onyx smiled ever so slightly. "As long as you said it, I don't have to."

Rosedust sat there confused for a moment as she wondered what the unicorn meant. Then the backhoofed dig hit her and her cheeks reddened. "You led me into that."

Lily crossed her hooves. "Shut it girls and Misty stop eating the candy it'll go straight to you figure and you will become the fat one, not just the dumb member."

Misty closed her mouth and pushed the plate of candy away in haste. "Sorry, I mean I love candy. It's kind of the best. I mean sugar makes everything taste amazing. Why don't you put it in all your food?"

Lily stared up to the heavens and prayed to the great mare group manager in the sky that the tour would end swift and without unicorn related issues. The Filly Four was supposed to have one nice mission off stage- being in agreement. Not have a member holier than all get out and a pony with a bag of rocks as a brain. For once she missed Sugar Moonlight and she was a sanctimonious cunt who thought fucking fans was immoral. At least she was fun to tease. This was unbearable. "Fine, eat it. It's your funeral. Rosie let's work off some steam."

Rosedust ran a hair through her mane and a small trail of glitter fell out. "Finally, after singing about boning on stage we can go and hunt for dick. Though I didn't see any VIP ticketholders for the "special package deal" we put on our site when we got off stage. Bummer, I love doing the fan meet and greets. Especially the afterparty fun."

Lily shrugged and stared at the one useless stallion that had spent the last few hours whining about how he was an actual deputy. "I know that but that's when we get to improvise. . .I have a wonderful idea."

Sprout carefully looked around the room that Lily and Rosedust had pointed him to, the two earth pony mares following along oddly close to him as he carefully covered each and every possible hiding spot for a stalker. He had spent the last five minutes casing the backstage area and unless the stalker was either a pegasus in the stage rafters or a unicorn who was using some invisibility spell, there was nopony around who looked suspicious. "Well that's odd, you two seemed really-"

Sprout didn't finish his sentence as he felt a large thwack upside his head and he dropped like a bag of rocks onto the floor.

"Fuck, this dude is a complete moron." Lily wiped her brow and tossed the bat that she had stashed in the backstage for a situation like this and smiled. "Come on who falls for the whole 'stalker' angle anyway? Like seriously our stalkers are like my favorite fans- crazy, addicted to us, and often know legal language well enough that NDAs seem reasonable. Rosedust pick his hooves up, we're going to have some fun with this deputy."

***

"That took forever to get here." Posey sighed as she slammed the backstage door shut and looked at Pipp. "Seriously you said it would just take a minute. Not ten."

Pipp slipped out of a a pink hoodie with her face on it. "I know, but I can't just disappoint my fans, especially with how nice it was for that stallion to just give me a hoodie. I mean look at it, its like an antique hoodie. You can't find this stuff anymore cause it was like only the hottest item in my merch store." Pipp held up the pink hoodie and aggressively waved it in Posey's face. A grinning Pipp stared back with writing stating that it was commemorating 'My Sweet Sixteen' and Posey grimaced at the thought.

"Tell me what the age of consent is in Zephyr Heights."

"Sixteen. Though I don't see what that has to do with anything. . ." Pipp slowly understood what Posey was implying and she stared down at the hoodie with a new sense of dread. "Oh that's partly why. Fantastic. Now it makes sense why Mother made the weird idea of all my VIP fans getting background checks. Oh, uh, right, Filly Four. This way." Pipp tossed the hoodie reflexively in the trash the moment she found an empty one and shook her head. "Let's get past this before I get sick."

Posey heard a slight commotion as she opened what she assumed was the talent section of the hastily made backstage area. She looked at Pipp who rolled her eyes, mentally composed herself, and hastily walked into the room.

"Hey everypony, it's me Pipp Petals and how's my two favorite Filly Four members, who wants a selfie?" Pipp spun around and struck a pose and waited for the two blue unicorns to acknowledge her existence. That could take awhile due to the rather heated discussion going on but she really wanted to provide her socials with content. Not cause she's a completely vapid idiot, it was her calling in life- well besides her Mother saying that Zipp was disinterested in procuring her a grandfoal which icked Pipp out. Pipp breathed out and centered herself, it was influencer o' clock, not existential crisis time. "You can take a moment girls, I'll just be here. Waiting for the collab Jazz told me to get."

Misty waved at the new arrivals and turned back to Onyx who was currently pacing around the small room, ranting about how bad the tour was going. All in all, a normal after performance thing that happened. Misty dug around the candy bowl and sighed as she found it horribly empty. Cursing her sugar addiction and how Opaline had not prepared her for how yummy everything tasted in the totally evil lands of Equestria. "So your point is?"

"-I'm telling you, Lily and Rosedust are fucking insane." Onyx took off her beret and grimaced at the glitter that had accrued on it, it was a Bridlewood original piece and glitter wasn't always eco-friendly. A part of her wondered how the stuff was so shiny and her unicorn brain immediately thought glitter had to be ground up crystals. "We need to do something."

"Oh, they are really bad, but are they like a five on badness or a ten on badness? Just a question cause while I'm totally agreeing with you. . .I've seen way worse ponies. Or at least ones that relish in being an evil supervillain so like Lily's totally has what this social media site you showed me would term a 'dubious idea of consent' and Rosedust is how did you put it? 'A horrible rapist', but like they seem okay. At times. I mean they are decent friends."

Onyx facehoofed. "Misty, I like you but you need to get out more. They hate you, they hate me, they kind of hate everypony and it's totally uncool. Honestly after this you need a vacation, a real dose of reality in your frizzy mane cause Bridlewood would love you- a foreign unicorn who knows the world outside Equestrian borders and has no magic? Get away from your manager, she's doing you no favors signing you up with these assholes." Onyx breathed out and looked highly concerned as she tried to compose herself. "Seriously, I've looked everywhere and the red deputy is just poofed out of existence. Which with how the last four stops went means like one thing."

Posey, who had sat there silently grinning as this goofy farce had built to a stupid climax, stopped grinning and she felt a pool of rage well up in her gut. "What did you say?" She menacingly took a few steps towards the taller, more reasonable unicorn. "Where is Sprout?'

Pipp perked up at that. A rather interesting anger point. But that wasn't the main thing that caught her attention. It was that Posey's eyes were furiously glowing green as she stared daggers into Onyx's face. "Okay that's freaky. But can you take a slight breather and take your totally scary look down like five notches? Maybe stop doing Flora Magic cause while neat, I think its really unwarranted. We're all friends here."

Posey turned her head at Pipp and grunted as she punched her hoof through the wall. "No. Now where is my coltfriend."

Pipp nodded, saying nothing as she finally connected the dots. "Oh. Okay. Duly noted." She hated providing her fans with retractions or addendums for her podcasts, but the juicy fact that Posey and Sprout Cloverleaf were dating was just such a breaking detail. Sure, Pipp didn't find him that attractive since she'd actually met him before once or twice, but everypony found somepony she guessed. The juicy gossip of Posey of all ponies getting with Maretime Bay's richest bachelor, it was just so good. "I'll table our secondary interview for, uh, later then. After we save him. Which is where, Onyx?"

Onyx shrugged. "Dunno. Though the two of them are loud. Rosedust and Lily, I mean. Probably somewhere sort of remote, though they are super lazy so I doubt their that far off."

***

"-Lily, you fucking said it was going to be easy to get our rocks off. I knew I should have grabbed the poppers." Rosedust uncomfortably rammed herself on the monolithic cock that was attached to Sprout and winced as nothing happened. "Fuck it's just too big."

"-yeah well shut up, Rosedust. How should I have known this shortstack shlub is rocking a 'Marebreakers From Planet Horny' level rod. Like that's a fetish tape, not supposed to be reality. I thought he was rocking an average dick. I know my shit. It's hoofsize times body mass. He should be rocking a dick half that size at most or even smaller. I'm never wrong. I mean come on, I wear my knowledge proudly and the pile of NDAs we have proves I could be an honorary train station with all the stallions I fucked. Choo choo, motherfucker. Five hundred and counting."

Sprout woke up in a blaze of pain as he tried to figure out what happened. He wasn't usually one to fall for the good old getting jumped technique- years of ingrained paranoia and his mother instilling him with a distrust of ponies treated him well enough- well it also made him yet again retreat into himself and hold most ponies at a hoof's distance. Well that and the massive dick that made him increasingly self conscious since he made porn stars and gag gifts look reasonable- he felt a weight on his chest and mumbled through a rag that tasted terrible, he hoped it was a rag and not a bit of used panties, and he retched as his gag reflex kicked in.

The two earth ponies looked at him and rolled their eyes. The pink earth pony, Lily, stared at Sprout. He was lucky he actually remembered the mare's name since he could feel his throbbing head and with how terrible the two mares had been to him for the last few hours, it was impressive. He was oddly calm. Though maybe the Kidnapping 101 drills his mother started with him when he was seven actually paid off- well, besides the massive trauma every time he tried to fall asleep. This was almost a normal Friday to him.

"Looks like Prince Charming woke up. Fun, I always like a challenge. Now since we've hit a massive snag with your dick, namely the square peg, round hole issue of size right here." Lily patted his rock hard dick and smiled. "We have a major conundrum. Though since its come out to play it must mean it likes the attention. I mean look at it, is this a sad dick? I say no. And like I've seen my share of dicks and whenever we get to this part, they always rise to the occasion." Lily shrugged

If Sprout could do anything more than mumble, he'd refute that completely. He definitely wasn't into this at all.

Rosedust sighed, rolled off his dick for a moment, rubbed her bruised pussy, and cradled Sprout's balls as she stared up to his black pillar of excellence. "I fucking hate Plan B. Plan A works like ninety nine percent of the time and everypony loves it. The good old condom and bust inside fun. Well most love it and the rest shut the fuck up about it afterwards once we pull out the lawyer card. Plan B's just so boring. I mean what's the fun of a sad hoofjob? It's pathetic. But if I can't fit that slab of meat in me then neither can Lily, bummer cause this would be a fuck to remember. Like I'd compare all future fucks to this moment, but no, I have to do this." She ran her hooves over Sprout's dick, lovingly touching every inch with a skill that was just so terrible.

Sprout groaned as she marehandled his junk in the least sexy and worst way he knew. It actually hurt as she squeezed it too hard and clumsily worked her way up and down.

He sat there silently, looking up to the ceiling and wishing that he could sit there and blink out of existence. It was the worst hoofjob he'd ever had. And he had a small reference pool of hoofjobs- Posey's skills, and unfortunately his own clumsy efforts as a hormonal, horny colt. This nightmare.

And this was the worst and it wasn't just because he knew this was assault and attempted rape. No, it was also that they just sucked at sex- or Posey was just such a sex obsessed mare that actual rapists were pathetic. At least Posey seemed to care for him in her own obsessive, sometimes messed up way and cared about if she was doing things right. She spent time asking him if he was doing okay or if he was liking what she was doing. If he said no, she would stop and do something different or just hold him and cuddle. She was crazy sometimes, but she knew boundaries. Seeing him as more than a piece of meat- with his own thoughts and fears, listening to him when he had a silly question, and actually protecting him. He felt wanted and comfortable with his dick when he was with Posey.

These assholes were just eyeing him up like a piece of meat and nothing more. Here he felt like a sideshow freak getting ogled by perverts. He didn't like the idea and if he wasn't tied up like a prize hog, he'd give them a piece of his mind.

He sure wished Posey was here.

"Come on, Dusty, you have hooves of velvet, why isn't he blowing his load in a world record bukkake? Like-"

Lily's voice cut off abruptly as two yellow hooves punched through the closet door and wrapped around her throat. Rosedust looked horrified as her partner in crime was lifted, with one powerful hoof, off her hooves and a gasping, retching gurgling noise was all that was heard for about thirty seconds as everyone stood still. Lily's face turning crimson as she gasped for air and tried to kick the door. The pink earth pony tried to kick the door to get her unknown assailant's hooves free but it was pointless.

Posey's voice came through loud and clear through the door, a hint of menace showing that the mare meant business. "Shut the fuck up and get off my boyfriend or I stop being nice."

"Who the fuck are you, you cunt? You know who we are? We're the important members of the Filly Four, we're celebrity influencers, we're earthdamned untouchable, like we can buy the best lawyers ever. Plus he fucking wanted it, like come on we're like hot and he's a stallion, they think with their cocks and they don't lie. We've done this shit so often, its laughable." Rosedust stopped giving Sprout the incredibly pathetic hoofjob and babbled to herself, ranting ever increasingly crazy sentences as she tried to square reality- she was stuck in a closet with her latest victim. Lily was a foot and a half off the ground, and Rosedust was completely screwed.

Posey slowly breathed out and pulled Lily through the door, the hard wood shattering with the force and weight it was subjected to. Posey dropped the pink earth pony like a sack of potatoes and glared at her, the low light of the closet highlighting Posey's neon green glowing eyes. "I don't give a flying fuck about your stupid celebrity bullshit and, if you can't tell, I don't find any of this shit funny."

Rosedust opened her mouth, ready to retort, pointing at the unknown nutty yellow mare. A loud crack hit her ears and she watched her leg bend backwards as Posey touched the mare with her full strength. Rosedust whinnied in fear as she scrambled back on her three remaining good hooves, her body reflexively recoiling in self-preservation, stumbling over Sprout and sprawling in a heap as she screamed expletives in the furthest corner of the closet.

"I don't know if I want to break all the bones in your body or just your legs for touching Sprout." Posey crept into the closet like a predator and filled most of the broken doorway with her size as she stood on her hind legs, completely cutting off Rosedust's escape.

Sprout groaned as he tried to break the hastily made restraints on his hooves. He hadn't seen Posey this livid before, well the time with his mother was close, but his mother had that affect on most ponies- this was a nearly feral Posey focused on one thing and one thing only. And she wasn't going to listen to reason from any old pony. While he was actually finding this incredibly hot, he knew he had to do something. He breathed out and connected to his magic for a brief moment- for once glad that Posey loved rutting with him. He had become used to the feel of his magic, a cool focused center in the midst of chaos and he flexed his hooves, snapping the cords around his legs with a firm and cool snap.

"Two." Posey gripped another of Rosedust's legs and twisted. A crunch could be heard echoing through the claustrophobic closet. Rosedust just sat there whimpering in pain as she saw her life flash before her eyes. "I'll give you a few seconds and I'll keep going."

Sprout grabbed all of his magic he could and mentally pushed outward. He had no idea what could happen, but he hoped it was something good, he had tried to use Flora Magic beyond just increasing his muscle tone before- he was an Earth Pony and he hoped he was at least able to grow something with plants. He had heard Sunny babble on and on about the limits and advantages of Flora Magic for forever. It was this huge massive thing to the newly minted alicorn and he was one of her few early friends that would tolerate her more silly notions- Changelings, Kirin, Dragon-Horses or however that weird nonsense word was, he heard it all and he hoped he had even a spark of that kind of magic. He tuned most of Sunny's inane "magic is the best" speeches but now was the time and place to see if Sunny wasn't just speaking out her ass about her family's weird journal.

He was supposed to be related to the Apple Family, if his own mother's history crap was to be believed. While he hadn't pulled off growing plants ever, he knew he had to try. He tapped the ground with his intent and the world went green.

***

Hitch facehoofed as he tried to decipher Pipp's worried explanation of what had happened. He had been trying to figure out the worried calls from the Square and he had expected some horrific crowd scenario- a riot or something since he had listened to the music of the Filly Four when he had this 'Unity Concert' hit his desk. He had hated every song of the four original mares since he had to subject himself to every album and while it was a writing exercise in 'how many ways can sex be described' it wasn't music to him. Though he was one for good subtext and even a good sexual ribbing from time to time. He had watched Spooky Cliff's Picture Show and that musical was rather raunchy.

"So you're saying Sprout of all ponies caused that-" Hitch pointed back at the massive grapevine that had sprouted out of nowhere and covered the stage in a choking mass of tendrils and grapes the size of an adult pony's hoof. "I doubt that."

Pipp thought for a moment. "What if I hypothetically recorded all of the last thirty minutes."

Hitch cocked his head at that. "First of all, why would you and secondly, as an officer of the law, that sounds morally objectionable- possibly illegal."

Pipp puffed up her wings at that statement. "I tend to not do illegal stuff, Hitch, that hurts my appeal. Also I read up on filming laws just so I can do stuff legally. I wouldn't want to have the hottest video in Equestria and deal with the headache of a lawsuit. Maretime Bay's a one-party consent town. Which means that if I, as the video pony consented to the filming, which of course I did, I filmed it, then I can safely record all the juicy stuff I want. And while the video makes our scary friend here-" Pipp patted the vine and from the other side of it, Posey's muffled complaints and rage could be heard. "probably on the hook for some real introspection and probably a slight increase in her community service, it also has these two sorry excuses for influencers confidently rage about their own crimes." Pipp pointed a hoof at Rosedust and Lily who were rocking back and forth and raving about how horribly sorry they were.

"Was Posey intimidating them?" Hitch rolled his eyes, he could guess that rhetorical question. "Actually don't answer that."

Pipp shrugged. "So do you want me to dewdrop this critical evidence to you or not? I mean it isn't the best camera quality. A bit too shaky for my tastes but trying to keep up with Posey was rather hard to do, she's faster than me, and then everything went crazy. Bad angles once the finale hits and all that but I was hiding behind a wall and keeping myself as small as possible. Even have blow by blow commentary. She tapped the video and Pipp's voice rang out. "-oh I can't edit that out cleanly or release this on a site, the sound alone would get me banned. A leg doesn't bend that way and what's that-" Pipp's voice hitched in the recording. Pipp tapped the video and sighed. "Sorry, I might have gotten rather sick there and after that point I got a face full of grapevine. While I can understand Zipp's love of alcohol, I think I'm not drinking wine for my 21st. Kind of hard to think it would taste good after almost getting choked out by it."

Hitch held up a hoof. "I don't need to hear all that, Pipp, just send me the file and that's good enough. Have you seen Sprout and Posey? I need to talk to them and get their explanation of events."

Pipp pointed to the tangle of grapevines. "I got out cause I could fly. They're most likely back in there."

***

Posey stared down at Sprout and grimaced. It was all she could do since she was currently tied up by vines that covered her whole body from her hooves to her neck. She loved the idea of getting tied up but this was a bit much even for her. She could move her head enough to look up and down and partially side to side, but she had been stuck here for the last half an hour and she was kind of getting bored. "You can let me go now, Sprout."

Sprout sat on the vine's large root, his head back and looking up through the new hole in the stage's roof, beams of light giving the only hint that there was a world outside of this tangle of new growth. He had been silent for the last half an hour, giving Posey both a worried feeling and making herself the only conversational partner.

She hated that- she was a terrible pony to have a conversation with.

"Sprout, talk to me or, so help me, I'll find a way to untangle myself." Posey was talking big since she had been trying to extricate herself this whole time and she was truly stuck- her hooves weren't on the ground and these plants, for once, weren't following her commands. "I've worked out my anger and I'm good now. But how are you cause while this is probably the coolest thing I've ever seen with Sunny's stupidly renamed Flora Magic, I kind of like it when you talk to me. Kind of hard to know what is in your head otherwise."

Sprout turned and tapped a hoof on the vines that trapped Posey and his marefriend dropped to the floor. He sat down on the ground and leaned against the vine. "You were totally going to kill both of them weren't you?"

Posey breathed comfortably for the first time in the last half hour and stretched her hooves, trying to get blood flow back into her joints. "I wasn't thinking straight, I'll own up to that. Kind of went into a protective rage there, but wouldn't you? I mean you almost got. . ." Posey let that sentence die out, afraid to finish it. "I mean I was worried."

Sprout ran a hoof through his mane and patted the ground. Posey crawled towards him and smooshed herself next to him, the cramped space of the former closet, now filled with plant life was a rather uncomfortable fit, but she managed. "I would be worried too, maybe I'd do something similar. But I'm going to need a moment to process all of this. . ." Sprout's head slumped into Posey's shoulder and he sat there for a while. "For once I'm glad my dick's stupidly huge."

Posey blinked. "What?"

"Rosedust tried and tried but she couldn't. . ." Sprout trailed off and wiped his eyes as he tried to speak. "She just couldn't make it work. I just sat there tied up as she just-"

Posey uncomfortably shifted to look at Sprout, who stared back, his green eyes misty with tears and she hugged him tightly. She wasn't one for emotional moments- being more used to bottling up her rage and sadness until it boiled over in a fantastic expletive filled rant about miniscule things, but she knew she had to do something. "Sprout, listen to me. It wasn't your fault, you didn't know. And you did as much as you could."

"But I didn't have to follow them or go. . .here." He stumbled over his words as he leaned into Posey's body, the reality of the situation hitting him fully. "Fuck. I shouldn't have listened, I shouldn't."

Posey felt her heart break as she cradled Sprout and let him cry. "Who's my favorite deputy?"

"I don't know what's that supposed to mean, I'm the only deputy in Maretime Bay." Sprout sniffled.

Posey rolled her eyes. "And would my favorite deputy run away from danger?" Posey quickly decided that yes, Sprout might actually run away from some dangerous situations so she revised it. "I mean would he decide not to help ponies just because they seem sketchy and odd?"

Sprout wiped his eyes. "I mean Hitch wouldn't let me hear the end of it if I did. I mean he still jokes about me running away from Izzy when she first entered town. But I probably would help ponies. It's kind of my job even if I think mom totally forced Hitch to hire me."

"Focus, Sprout, not the time. I'm saying that you did good. Sure it went wrong, horribly wrong, but your heart was in the right place. And if you need to talk about this or just need a quiet moment, I'll be here. Always. Though if you tell anypony about that, I'm going to put you into a world of discomfort. I have an image as the town bitch to maintain."

Sprout smiled briefly. "If I told anypony, I'd think they wouldn't believe me anyway. But yeah, thanks." Sprout grimaced. "You're totally going to have to do more community service though- the whole attacking ponies is a big deal. . .even if they suck. Knowing mother, she's totally going to relish you doing anger management classes to prove a point."

Posey breathed out. "Fine, but I'll hate every moment. Especially if its a Canterlogic doctor. I've had my fill of those."

Sprout hummed in thought for a moment. "Maybe Sunset has an idea. I mean I think her mother had training. Or Sunny mentioned it in passing. With how Sunny's so focused on friendship and her dead idol, she might have picked up something."

Posey groaned. "Sounds like a blast. Absolutely fantastic. But it's better than Canterlogic poking and prodding me like I'm a freak so there's that. And if you think its a good idea, then sure. At least Sunny's relatively normal. The rest of her friends? Not so much, but her? Pretty normal, besides the stupid magic alicorn bullshit. Hey, at least we can bond on how much we hate Canterlogic. . ."

A shaft of light opened up nearby and Hitch's head popped into view, a machete in his jaws. Hitch blinked as he took in the scene and quickly dropped the large blade so he could actually talk and not just mumble at the pair. "Bleh, sorry. I know this is a bad time and all but I need to get your statements about this. A tangled mass of grapevines popping up in the center of town is kind of a big enough deal normally to be my jurisdiction- and with Pipp's hurried tale of what seems to have caused it, I might need double statements and not just chalk this up as a freak magical accident. Canterlogic protocol and all that."

Posey glared at Hitch for ruining the moment. "Give us a second, Sheriff, we were having a moment and you ruined it. It was nice not having ponies need me for something every moment of the day."

***

Pipp glanced at the two earth ponies and smiled as she slowly pushed around her hayburger. "So how did the two of you meet? Like off record cause while I'd love to get all the crazy details, knowing our totally normal friend here, Sprout, I might want to paraphrase the info for my fans, not straight from the pony's mouth if you know what I'm saying."

Sprout quietly nodded and looked away for a moment. "From the beginning or when we actually got together and she didn't try to kill me everytime I was near."

Posey grumbled. "I wasn't that bad."

Sprout chuckled slightly, the good memories dulling the emotions he was feeling under the surface, numbing him slightly from the swirling thoughts in his head. "You tossed me through a brick wall. Then a few months after that you almost threw me down the stairs. I thought you hated me. Like a lot."

Posey blushed and ran a hoof through her mane. "I do. . .still feel bad about that."

Pipp waved a hoof. "While that sounds highly unconventional and honestly rather toxic in the meet cute way of romance, I mean how did you get together. Like how does this even work?" Pipp waved her hooves around wildly in the pair's direction to highlight her point. "Cause for some reason nopony told me you two were dating and that's a fair bit of ponies. I mean let's see- Hitch, for one. Probably Sunny cause she knows what everypony is doing at all times. Izzy, which is shocking cause she's terrible at keeping secrets, and then the both of you. Though less on Posey cause I try not to talk to you. For scary reasons. Plus I thought you hated me and the others. But Sprout? I saw you like a few days ago and you had a whole conversation with me. I'd think the topic of Posey being your marefriend could just pop right up."

Posey crossed her hooves. "I'm not that bad. And I only hate. . ." Posey blinked for a moment as she mentally unfurled her long list of 'ponies who I despise' and quickly realized how long it was. "Okay, well, I have mellowed out a lot."

Pipp nodded. "Sure and you broke Rosedust's legs and choked Lily out. For a decent reason and they were terrible but can you see why I might have thought you were unapproachable." Pipp cautiously tapped her hooves on the table. "I mean I do a similar job to those two and am. . .way shorter. . .you'd probably murder me." Pipp whispered that last bit and tried to laugh, failing as she looked into Posey's eyes. "you're intimidating to the extreme."

Sprout shivered and placed a hoof on Posey's lap and laid it there. Posey glanced at her stallion and quietly placed her own hoof in his and gripped it tightly. "I don't try to be Pipp. Let's get off this topic for now. While I love talking about me, myself, and I- we can talk about that later. Now back to this whole virgin problem you have."

Pipp blushed and looked around the packed burger joint, completely flustered at Posey's extremely brazen words. "Can we not do it here? Somepony will hear and it'll be like internet news in an hour."

Posey patted Sprout and casually leaned into him as she spoke. "Don't care. I mean I bone Sprout in public for fun. A simple sex issue like what you have is nothing to me. Now what exactly do you want to know about the deed as you'd probably put it? How to get a stallion's attention, how to have them like jelly in your hooves? Or maybe positions, toys, and important skills you'll need. Visual aids or material? Though I don't know what pegasi do. Can you use your wings for, I guess, wingjobs?"

Pipp shrank down in her booth and was speechless, her face fully flushed and crimson as Posey continued outlining her knowledge. The pink pop princess squeaked out a "please stop" before falling silent once again, her memories of Queen Haven traumatizing her running on repeat in her mind.

Posey breathed out and grinned. "But you do want to bed Hitch? I mean there's no discerning for taste. . ."

Sprout, who had been blocking out Posey's speech as he drank a bit of soda, choked on it and sputtered as he looked for a napkin. "What, Pipp and Hitch? Really?"

Posey shrugged and wiped off Sprout's coat with her own napkin. "Is there a problem?"

Sprout shook his head. "Just an odd coincidence. Remember when I said Hitch showed me Pipp's music? He kind of has all of her albums. It kind of creeped me out. I didn't ask if he had her merch, but it wouldn't surprise me."

Pipp blinked, set down her hayburger and tapped a hoof onto her phone, sliding her hoof around to open it and after a short while she slid it towards Sprout. She was a mare on a mission. She breathed out and let her disgust of sex fade away, knowing this was far more important. He could be a fan and she never let her fans down. "So he has all of my albums? Even the bootlegs and the metal music I released? And the foal album I did for charity proceeds?" She clapped her hooves together. "I doubt that one, that was a limited release. He'd have to be a superfan to get that one."

Sprout cocked an eyebrow. "You have a list of all your albums on your phone? That's weird." He scrolled through the pictures and nodded, quickly handing it back to the small mare. "Yeah, he had it. And all of that. Seriously why do you have so many albums?"

Posey nodded and thought of a particularly devious idea. One that could definitely make Hitch chill the fuck out and get him slightly off his back. "So that's her in. Hitch is weirdly enough a superfan of hers."

Pipp facehoofed. "I'm not going to pull a Filly Four moment with Hitch. That's just icky. And morally wrong. Haven't we learned something from today? I mean seriously, I'd rather do anything else than come onto him that strong."

"No, no, I'm saying do a private show. For Hitch. And then maybe do sex stuff if you two want to. It'd be totally up to the both of you. I can give you pointers if you want. Oh and condoms, I totally wouldn't want you to get knocked up. I mean its pretty awful at times. I think Zipp would murder me." Posey chuckled, but with how Sprout talked about the older royal and how protective she was of Pipp. . .getting tossed off a cloud wasn't that far fetched of an idea.

Sprout stared at the two mares and sighed as he wondered if this was catastrophically go wrong. It was Posey's plan and her plans, while competent, were apt to go wrong in some way. "I somehow feel really bad for Hitch. But at least this will be funny."

Pipp blinked and lowered her phone. "Wait. Hold up. Did you just say you're pregnant? I have to totally mention this in my podcast addendum."

Posey groaned. "Fuck."

Author's Note

Hopefully next chapter doesn't take like five months to come out. Definitely didn't plan for that to happen.

Though half of it was from trying to make the Filly Four work- Ali-Conned has them be so horrible to Sunny in canon that it colored my view of them and dialed it up to like 12. But yeah this was a lot. I already have ideas for a chapter 5 and probably part of chapter 6, but I need a short break from this for like a month or two max. Something a little more lighthearted and silly for a bit.