Isekai'd An Heroby KaidanChapters01 Leave the Driving to Us02 Because We Care03 Let's Take Back Control04 The Cleaner Road Ahead05 The Way To Go06 Coming Through a Town Near You07 Gonna Be My Day01 Leave the Driving to UsI don't normally leave my house, but the newest greatest video game ever was released and I would be in line at Gamestop to score an early release copy of the game. Well, sort of early, like nine o'clock, and I'd have to wait in line for at least two hours, but it would be worth it! I grabbed my backpack and headed down the street from my apartment to the small shopping center. It was cloudy out and might rain soon, and the sun had barely started to set due to the longer summers in the Northwest. Ancient Dragon Magical Schoolgirls Seven was coming out today, and promised to be everything we'd ever wanted from the series. Sure, it took a downturn in the fifth sequel when they had to get woke and include a male character in the all-female cast. However, they'd gotten rid of the loot boxes from the sixth game and promised to only slightly monetize the outfits in this one! And if you're thinking of judging me for playing a game with a title like Ancient Dragon Magical Schoolgirls Seven, then clearly you're an out of touch boomer. Sure it's a 14 year old school girl, but she's in the body of a ten thousand year old ancient dragon. It's not pervy if you're fantasizing about sticking it in a wrinkly old red dragon anus. At least, that's what the top comment on reddit said. As I approached the store I noticed an old man with salt and pepper hair and a beard, tapping a foot impatiently at the bus stop. Behind him the line had rounded the corner for the Gamestop, which is a totally legitimate business that still has a reason to exist in 2022. I joined the end of the line and watched as we slowly shuffled forward single-file into a dimly lit under-staffed store clinging to relevance with spit, duct tape, and people brave enough to HODL. When I passed the old man I noticed him muttering to himself. I stepped a little closer and briefly overheard "it's late, the portal will only be open for another thirty seconds." I laughed and shook my head, when I heard a thump and saw him on the ground clutching his chest. I rolled my eyes, but then I noticed a copy of Ancient Dragon Magical Schoolgirls Seven in his pocket. Mint in box! No one was paying the old man any notice, like they couldn't even see him. I glanced around one last time to make sure, then stepped forward and pulled the game from his pocket. He looked up at me, "call... an ... ambulance..." I chuckled, and stepped into the street to head home. Looking around I was shocked no one had noticed. Then a bright light filled the air and I heard a loud honking noise. Before I could turn around my world exploded in pain, the wind was knocked out of me, and the next thing I remember I hit a curb and bounced into a wooden power pole. There was a snapping noise and I heard someone say before I blacked out, "but not for me..." I jolted awake and sat up in the middle of a dusty road on a bright sunny day, surrounded by chirping birds and pastel ponies. Compared to artistic websites I visit, this was only like the top fifty of weird things I'd seen. I appeared to be smack dab in the middle of a children's cartoon, one I'd been a fan of nearly a decade ago but had fallen into irrelevance with the creation of TikTok, Fortnight, and my custom Minecraft server mod that made the game all about oviposition. Trust me, being implanted with a creeper egg is really hot if you texture it right. "Ohmygosh! Are you okay?" A pony asked, appearing in front of me in a flash of pink. "Pinkie Pie?" I muttered. "Yep! That's me, but if you know me and I don't know you, does that mean I'm you and you're me?" "What?" "You know, like a body snatchers thing. You're obviously not from around here, I mean, where's the fur? And are those fingers? Spike has fingers—" I drowned her out as I lifted up my arms and examined my hands. Taking stock of my situation it looked like I'd woken up in Ponyville, but as a human. It was just my luck that I'd finally live the dream of being transported to Equestria but not get turned into a pony, even a mud pony would be better than a human. Then again, I had fingers, which meant I could perform a wide variety of services for ponies ranging from benign to bangin'. "—you're gonna get run over though if you keep sitting out here in the road! We should take you to the city hall so we can get you your free home, job, healthcare, and all that jazz. You couldn't have picked a better place to drop into... wait what's your name?" "I'm Jake." "Hi Jake! I'm Pinkie, but you knew that." I reached out and squeezed her flank, watching the cutie mark jiggle slightly. "Eep! What are you doing Jake?" "Oh, I read a story once that ponies liked getting squeezed." Pinkie shook herself free of my grip. "Oh someone's been doing too much reading from the Adult section of Twilight's library. We better save that for the first date, and I'm totally calling dibs now because you know the rest of my friends are gonna want to be the first to get in bed with a human." I stood up and brushed some of the dirt off myself with my hands, looking around to notice a few ponies glancing my way with what is best described as bedroom eyes. "Huh, Pinkie, how do you know I'm human?" "I had a hoof itch, ear twitch, and a snitch which is like a sneeze with an itchy throat. Well, come on this way to the relocation center so we can welcome you to Equestria the right way!" I nodded, and smelled a familiar scent. It took a moment to place it as the rubber of tires that had been recently driven on, mixed in with a hint of asphalt. I looked around in confusion but didn't see any vehicles. "Hey, Pinkie," I turned to face her. "Have you—" I stopped as I watched a large bus, with gray brushed aluminum and bright blue racing lines down the side, approached me head-on. A small dog logo was visible as the brights flashed on. I recovered just in time to try and dive to the side, getting clipped by the bus and sent tumbling across the ground. 02 Because We CareA sharp pain sent me gasping for air, sitting up quickly as the street spun around me. It took a moment for everything to come back into focus as my heart stopped racing. "Are you a spy?" somepony asked. I glanced up at a small cloud and spotted Rainbow Dash sitting there, recalling she was the best pony from the show. Anyone who disagreed was probably antifa. "Rainbow! Did you see a bus around here?" "A bus?" She laughed and rolled onto her back, not stopping for half a minute. Finally she looked back down. "Oh you're serious? We don't have a bus line in Ponyville." I nodded, getting up and stretching my leg to help loosen a sore muscle. I then made my way over to a nearby house and leaned against the wall so I could keep an eye on the street. "So, you're totally a spy right? From some far away country, like out of Daring Do or something? Are you related to Ahuizotl?" "What? No," I sighed. "I was just on my way to pick up this really bitchin' video game when I got hit by a bus. Twice." "Huh that sucks. Wanna sleep over at my place? It's, uh, totally safe from buses because it's a cloud house." I sighed and shook my head at her naivety. "I don't have wings, how would I do that?" "Oh, right." Dash stretched her wings then glided down to the ground. She stood barely up past my waist. "Why don't we head over to the relocation center so I can get my free home and party and healthcare and all that jazz." "Uh, what?" Dash asked. "You know, Pinkie said you give out a free home." Dash started laughing again. "Oh, good one. Maybe we can find you some work on Applejack's farm, but we're all about that sweet... uh... what do you call it when you only care about making money?" "Capitalism?" "Yeah! We're all about that in Equestria! Also Princesses, and apple bucking, and other kinds of bucking." I nodded, still confused as hell, but at least it seems I woke up, back in Equestria, and bucking was still at the forefront of every pony's minds. I'm not saying women were ungrateful back on Earth, but I'm a totally normal nice guy who just couldn't get any action that didn't come in a disposable six-pack of eggs or with a totally-legal ancient dragon magical school girl dakimakura pillow cover on it. "Wait," I said looking down at Dash and reached down to pat her head. "Huh that's weird, you seem a few inches shorter than Pinkie." "No way! I'm two full feathers taller than her," Dash complained, puffing out her fuzzy chest hair indignantly. "Oh, uh sorry, my mistake. I'm just a bit confused, seeing as how I have been hit by two buses in the space of like, fifteen minutes?" "Ah, well that sounds more like a Twilight problem than a Dash problem. Though, I do have some pipes that need cleaning and I can't reach them but I bet you can..." Dash looked up with me with wide moist puppy eyes. I smiled widely and looked back down at her. "Well, I guess I've got time for that before I figure out what the hell is going on." I wiggled my fingers in front of her face. "These things are rather slender and perfect for getting deep into... pipes." She stifled a moan, and nodded her head to the left. "Town motel's that way." Dash turned and trotted across the street, tail waving high in the air. I almost stepped out into the road but stopped. I looked to the left, then the right, then the left again. I even looked up. There was no way in hell I was crossing this street until I was damn sure there were no buses. I wouldn't have the fucking greyhound cock-block me and keep me from punching the first hole in my V-card. Once I was absolutely damn certain there were no buses on the road. I took one step away from the house I had been leaning on. I then heard a loud noise. An explosion of wood and glass flew past me, knocking me forward to the ground. The last thing I saw was a white and black bus with wavy blue-green lines careening through the rubble and pancake me against something rigid and unyielding. 03 Let's Take Back ControlI opened my eyes to the sight of a light blue sky with tiny scattered clouds. I could taste dirt, blood, and what I think was asphalt. I spit out a few small black pebbles as I sat up, finding a curvy lavender unicorn with flowing purple locks of pink-streaked hair holding her softly fuzzed muzzle mere inches from my own face, two inquisitive wide eyes staring back into mine. "Fascinating. Did you teleport here? You don't have a horn and there's barely a trace of magic, yet you materialized in less than a second." "I'm fine, Twilight, thanks for asking." "You know my name?" She asked. "Wait, you're Twilight Sparkle!" My eyes went wide as I looked around for any buses. "Quick! I need you to cast a bubble around us so I don't get hit by a bus!" "What?" She tilted her head to the side slightly and raised an eyebrow. "Please just do it!" She shrugged and a purple dome formed around us. "Whew, thank goodness." "What's your name?" Twilight asked. "I'm Jake." "And do you know what day it is?" "Uh, it's Saturday?" "It's Tuesday. And who is mayor?" "Uh, crap I don't remember. Some wrinkly old lady?" I replied. "I think you might have a concussion, you don't know what day it is or who the mayor is. Do you know how you got here?" "Yeah I got hit by a bus three times in a row." Twilight nodded. "Hmm, definitely sounds like a concussion then." I noticed several ponies watching us have our little conversation in a purple bubble in the middle of the street, including a jet black alicorn with a red mane and tail. They had some killer orange and red flames as a cutie mark. "Whoa, who the hell is that?" "Huh?" Twilight turned her head. "Oh, that's O.C. She's not bad once you get to know her." I glanced around, confirming my suspicions. Countless original characters were milling around. A yellow pegasi with green hair, a pink one with yellow hair and a blue highlight, a white earth pony with light blue hair, and many more. I could even vaguely make out Cloud Kicker bending Blossomforth over a park bench in what appeared to be copious amounts of strawberry jelly. "Are you coming to a startling realization or is an intracranial hemorrhage slowly cutting off oxygen flow to your brain, Jake?" "I... I think each time I get hit by a bus I wake up in a slightly worse version of Equestria. First I was gonna get a free house and probably a fake job like search and rescue pony and just leech off the welfare state. Then Dash said I'd have to work on the farm but at least I was gonna get laid. Now there are OC's everywhere!" Twilight gasped. "Dash was going to sleep with you? But she's only into mares." I sighed, a faint glimmer of hope remaining. "Well at least ponies are still open with their sexuality, so my odds of getting laid are good." Twilight laughed, only stopping when she noticed the angry look on my face. "Oh, sorry, but... well I don't know how to say this so I'll just spit it out. We have strict laws against inter-racial marriage and bestiality. Since you're some sort of hairless ape, it's all but illegal for anypony to uh... help you 'get laid' Jake." "Fu—." "Stop!" she gasped and looked around. "Right the bubble is sound-proof... okay, so you can't say that word and six others." "What?" I asked. "What are the other words, and why?" "Well, the Princess just decided that there were seven bad words that were, like, way worse than the others. So anypony caught saying them has their tongue removed." "Jesus christ." "That one's okay to say." Twilight looked around and her bubble turned opaque. "Just don't say any of these." She leaned forward and whispered them into my ear. I nodded, and the bubble turned translucent again. "Right, thanks. So I guess it could be worse. I'm still in Equestria, and I bet I can still get a harem going... I just have to play it cool, and figure out why I keep getting hit by buses." "Well, I don't know any spells for that. I also can't keep this bubble going all day, unless you want to make a scene. I suppose you could try to ask around and see if anypony knows anything about buses. Maybe you can ask O.C., those ponies that immigrated to Ponyville lately are always talking about some really bizarre sh— stuff." "Alright. Do any of them have a motor vehicle cutie mark?" "No, but one of them works at a factory. If anyone in Ponyville knows about machinery, it’s her. She keeps the wheels greased, so to speak. You'll need a weather balloon to reach it; there's one in town square for rent." "Thanks, can you let this bubble down and I'll head that way? If nothing else, I bet a bus can't hit me in a weather balloon." The bubble vanished in a flash of violet. "Okay, just remember not to take naps since you might still have a concussion. I'm going to do a little totally-ethical research in my secret laboratory and if I find anything out I'll let you know!" Twilight teleported away without waiting for a reply. I shrugged and walked in the direction Twilight had indicated, careful to keep my head on a swivel and look out for any buses. Along the way I heard a pair of familiar voices and turned my head as I walked by. "Yep Dashie!" Pinkie gaily said. "Come on down to my basement and we'll make some cupcakes!" "They're gonna be totally awesome!" Dash followed her into the bakery, the door shutting behind her. I had a vague memory of something familiar but couldn't put my finger on it, shrugged and continued onward. As I got closer I could see the balloon tied to the ground, and noticed Rarity in front of her boutique. "Oh, yes Trixie. I've decided to so generously invite you into my boutique for a private fitting for a new cape. My sewing supplies are down in the basement!" Rarity explained, a wicked glint in her eye. "The Great and Powerful Trixie is most glad you have seen the error of your ways and invited me to come here today, alone, for a private fitting while your store is closed. Onward!" Trixie giggled as she trotted inside the boutique. Again, there was something not quite right, but I was so glad to have not been hit by another f—ing bus that I didn't care about any of the odd s—t going on. As I approached the balloon I saw Big Mac leading the Cutie Mark Crusaders into a storm cellar. I saw Cheerilee tilling some soil to plant flowers, sliding a tiara out of sight as she caught me glancing her direction. Even Fluttershy was out today, staring at me and muttering something under her breath. I sighed and rolled my eyes, untying the hot air balloon and climbing in, not bothering to find the owner. I used a small crystal device that seemed to ignite some source of gas, filling the balloon with more hot air and causing me to rise into the air. It was now that I realized I don't know how to fly hot air balloons. Luckily, it seemed to have caught a current and was heading towards a large set of clouds in the sky from which multiple rainbows were pouring forth. I felt a wave of relaxation go over me, muscles I didn't even realize were tense began to ache from exertion. I looked down at the receding Earth, content that I was safe up here. And then I saw it. A massive wooden ramp had been built off the side of a hill. A double decker bus painted bright red was barreling down the hill towards the ramp. On the side, I could faintly make out something about 350 million pounds, and the NHS. It was picking up speed, its mass and momentum causing it to zoom down the hill throwing up large amounts of dirt. I reached up for the rope in a panic, yanking down to increase the pilot flame and fill the balloon with more hot air. I kept yanking in a panic as the bus hit the ramp, and instead of disintegrating, the wooden ramp flexed and held. Seconds later, a huge red double decker was soaring through the air towards me. "Celestia's t—s!" I watched in horror as it soared towards me, vaguely making out a familiar face behind the wheel. It was losing altitude, and barely nicked the bottom of the basket as it sailed by, failing to hit me. I looked over the rail as the bus plummeted. "Haha! Take that, c—t!" I heard a sound and looked up to find the flame dying down. The balloon was losing altitude but somehow had remained on course, landing in a thick patch of clouds on the large cloud city. The weight of the balloon pushed down through the clouds, and I found myself landing inside some sort of poorly lit industrial factory. The basket had a small door which I opened, putting a foot out tentatively to test the ground. It seemed to hold my weight so I stepped out onto it with both feet, not falling through. "Whew, I made it. No way the bus will find me up here." "What the hell? You're busting up my factory!" An angry yellow pegasus appeared, flanked by a few scruffy looking stallions. "This is private property!" "Wait a minute..." I looked around, noticing several large vats and pipes that for some reason were clear. Inside each pipe, pure colors flowed: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. The pieces began to fall into place from earlier. This Equestria must be the shock-fiction version of the normal Equestria I had landed in earlier today. "This is the rainbow factory!" "Yes, and? We make hopes and dreams come true here." "P—s off c—suckers! I've read this fic, and you'll never take me alive!" I shouted as I backed up. "No, wait!" The green-haired pegasus ran forward. "I said back!" "You'll fall off the—" I stumbled, my foot leaving the hard-as-steel plate and pushing through a layer of soft fluffy cloud near the wall. I lost my balance and reached out, desperately grabbing for the pegasus's outstretched leg. Instead, I caught their name badge, yanked it off the necklace as I plummeted through the clouds. I looked down at it in disbelief. Aurora, Rainbow Crayons Factory Foreman. I released the badge as the wind whipped past, realizing how badly I'd just messed up. I'd been perfectly safe up there, and I had freaked out like a crayon-eating Barbarian from a bad homebrew campaign. As the ground approached I made out the smoldering red wreckage of a bus rapidly approaching me. It beckoned, like a gaping maw of metal split wide open to swallow me whole as I fell directly towards it. There was nothing left I could do as the inevitable bus rushed towards me, but utter one last word. "Motherf—er" 04 The Cleaner Road AheadUpon waking up on a dusty road in the middle of Ponyville, I wasted no time. I immediately bolted down the road, nearly flattening Fluttershy. As much as I’d like to spend a little time with a pegasus with butter smooth thighs, I refused to let that bus win again. It wasn’t until I stepped into a large pile of horse feces that I finally stopped, briefly, to wipe my shoe off. I looked around, noticing that there were piles of the small circular vegetarian horse droppings everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. In fact, there was a pink pegasus squatted on a cloud dropping one out right now, letting it fall in a steaming pile onto the street. “That’s gross!” I shouted. She looked down at me. “Pervert!” She shouted “Use a toilet! You’re not animals!” “Uh, yes we are.” She leapt off and gilded down to meet me. “I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna wipe it with my hoof. Besides, I’m not the one stepping in it and watching others crap. You got some kinda fetish I should know about?” “No, I’m just a human thrown here from another dimension and being relentlessly hunted down by a killer bus.” The pegasus nodded and smiled. “Ah! Why didn’t you say so? I was human once too. The name’s Dawn.” “I’m Jake.” I reached out, and they let me grab their hoof and shake it. “Us humans have to stick together, I’m sure I can get you back to Earth.” “Really?” I asked, skeptical that a pegasi would be good for much more than flying around and bragging like a high school jock. “Yep! I’m an OC. My powers are limited only by the ability of my author to feel shame, and in that regard, my power level’s over 9,000.” I rolled my eyes at the dated reference. Dawn sighed. “Come on, no one around here gets my jokes. I figured at least you would.” “Spouting random pop culture references doesn’t count as making a joke.” “Wow, who pissed in your cheerios?” I blinked in confusion, and looked around. “Wait, you can say p—s?” “Yeah, self-insert powers, remember? You’re kinda slow. What’s your deal?” I let out a long exasperated sigh. “Okay, so I keep getting hit by a bus and each time I wake up in Equestria. But it’s not like the cool anime kind where I get a harem and save the world by finding the sword of a thousand truths—” “And he thinks my references are bad—” “—so then I tried getting up in a hot air balloon to escape it and it jumped off a freaking ramp that wasn’t there before. If it keeps hitting me, who knows how bad of an Equestria I’ll wake up in!” “Alright, alright!” Dawn gestured across the street. “That’s my old bachelor pad, you can hang out there to hide from the bus, I’d recommend the basement. It can’t bust through twelve feet of packed dirt and brick.” I smiled at the thought. “That’s a great idea! Just promise me it’s not some murder basement, because I’m still eighty percent certain I witnessed half a dozen pre-mediated murders in the last version of Equestria.” “Nothing that depraved… it’s where Dash and I keep the sex dungeon, can’t have our filly using a ball gag as a pacifier. That’s probably… three or four buses away still” I groaned and followed them towards the house, watching them pull out a key to unlock it. “On the show nopony locks their homes, or takes dumps off a cloud. This really is getting out of control.” “Hey, you should try it sometime. It's very liberating, it’s also why they always say Never look up on a cloudy day. It’s also why Dash doesn’t eat Mexican food before races anymore.” “What?” I asked as I followed her inside. “Do you at least have some fiction or pop culture references from the last decade? Maybe a TikTok account?” “Nope, what’s that? I bailed on Earth back in like, 2014.” By now we’d headed across the living room and she’d unlocked the basement, letting me head down the stairs. The house was proportioned for a pony, so I had to watch my head around the door frames. I found the light and turned it on. “2014? Hmm, so you’re really outta the loop then. Missed out on the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Game of Thrones ending, and the annual 110 degree global heatwaves.” “Wait,” Dawn darted down the stairs behind me. “Sequel trilogy?! You got to see how Game of Thrones ended?! Tell me everything, now!” “Uh…” I rubbed my head and laughed nervously. “Forget I said anything, trust me… Disney didn’t do it justice, and then Game of Thrones was just indescribably bad…” “Come on, I’m dying here! I have to know!” Dawn pleaded. “Really, you’re better off not… besides the shows are way too political so I stick to anime! Did you know Marvel has a teenage female superhero now? Not to mention Amazon Prime made a show that mocks nazis. Nah, Equestria is my golden ticket out of that shithole. I just want to settle down and bang some hot ponies.” Dawn raised an eyebrow. “Yeah… I think it may be your attitude that’s the problem and not Equestria. Maybe you should try and fix that; karma’s a bitch and all. It might help you with your magic school bus problem.” “Really, another reference?” Jake sighed. “Well I already said I’d help you so I’m going to leave before I regret it. Just try to return the house in one piece. I’ll be upstairs for a bit but I’ve got to be back to watch the kiddo soon. Let me know if you need anything, and I wouldn’t go digging through the toy boxes down here.” Dawn hurried up the steps and closed the door, leaving me alone in the modestly sized basement. There was a washer and dryer, some odd looking furniture, and some tidely stacked boxes. There were a couple bean bags that I could use to relax; fortunately there were no black lights down here. I’d, at the very least, be safe from any buses. I was staring at the laundry machines in the basement when I tripped over a metal bar that I hadn’t noticed there a few seconds before. I looked down and muttered to myself. “A rail? What the hell?” Then I noticed the concrete sleepers underneath and heard the rumbling. A deafening railroad horn caused me to jump and hit my head on the ceiling, the noise echoing and causing my ears to ring. I crapped my pants, not at all finding it liberating as the pegasi had suggested, and dove behind the nearby water heater. It was a double-stacked Z train, headed east towards the fast single track of the BNSF Emporia Sub in Flint Hills. As it roared past, I considered myself lucky to have dodged its attack. It was actually majestic as hell: traveling 75 miles per hour, with six units, and distributed power. 4 ES44DC’s pulling and 2 Dash-9’s pushing, all in run 8. The whole basement smelled like diesel. I considered myself lucky after it passed, carefully heading to the stairs to get out of the basement in case the train came again. I was fortunate, for there is truly no way to discern which path a train will take, so I would have to be vigilant for trains as well as buses now. If only there were some sort of marks on the ground I could avoid, since my plate was already full just trying to outrun the bus. By the time I got upstairs, I called out. “Dawn, there was a freaking train in your basement! What the hell is going on? Dawn?” I looked around and saw a set of black tire prints on the floor, and a pony that had been flattened like a tube of toothpaste from the middle. They led to what I had thought was the wall, but was actually a bus parked right in the hole it had busted through the wall. The high beams flickered on. “F—k my life.” 05 The Way To Go“Well ah reckon ah ain’t never—” “Shut up, I hate your accent,” I said to Applejack, pushing her away from me as I woke up. “You were born and raised in Ponyville yet somehow only you have that hick accent, and no one else.” Applejack sat dumbfounded as I wandered away down the road. As I passed by several ponies I noticed they’d gotten shorter again, only up to my knee. The street was still littered with droppings. At this point between the repeated killings and the constantly nude ponies, I had a horrible case of blue balls. I’d take anything at this point; a cat would be fine too. As I aimlessly explored the town I came across the white pony I’d seen a few buses ago. “Oh hey, aren’t you an OC? Got anything to help a human stop getting hit by buses?” “Huh?” The pony rubbed a hoof behind her mane, and was wearing some small saddlebags. They were kind of cute. I could probably pick them up by them, and use them like a sock. “Uh, well I don’t know if I could help with that. You’re almost tall enough to see over the roofs of the houses, and you’re having trouble with buses?” “Yeah, if I could just find a way to hide or blend in with ponies I bet I could avoid it.” “Oh! Well, my special talent does happen to be transformations. I’m Spectra.” “Transformations?” I asked. “Yep! Pony, unicorn, changeling, or even… feral horse? I won’t judge! If you’ve got an itch you just can’t scratch and twenty-four to forty-eight hours for the slow-burning but oh-so-good transformation to kick in, I’m your gal!” “Um… I’m not sure I have that long to wait. Plus, no offense, but I’m not sure I want to be a tiny cartoon pony that poops in the middle of the streets.” “Pfft, don’t knock it ‘til you try it.” “Got anything that's normal?” “Nah. Sounds like a Twilight problem. I’m gonna go, don’t really appreciate the way you’re staring at me.” I blinked. “Oh, right, uh, my bad.” I looked over the nearby roofs towards a small crystal castle and began to head that way. Every pony might be getting smaller, making me relatively larger, but there was still a good chance that Twilight could use her magic to fix this. At the very least, maybe we could just chill in the bubble shield for a few days. As I approached the castle I saw Twilight stumble outside, shouting a string of profanity across the street at a small dragon who was being helped to move his belongings out of the castle. “You won’t lasht a wheek without me!” “You pooped right on my bed, and nearly sliced my finger off! I’ll see you in court!” I gulped as Twilight turned to look at me. “Who the hell are you?” Her laser focused anger seemed to sober her up. “Come to file another complaint? I’ve just had my 500th filed! Plus, I’ve got to try to talk Luna out of her war on wokeness which she thinks means not letting people wake up from sleep anymore! Not to mention I just lost my damn fax machine, so I’m gonna have to hoof letters to Canterlot like a damn Earth pony!” “I…” This disgruntled student of friendship didn’t at all seem like the Twilight from the show. This could be my last chance to magic my way out of this mess. “I’m a human from Earth. I keep getting hit by a bus, and each time I wake up in a worse Equestria! Please, you’ve got to use magic to fix it!” “Fix it yourself!” She belched, and took a swig from the almost empty vodka bottle before flinging it at my head. I only barely dodged it. “I’m heading back inside to have a mega-pint of wine!” The door slammed closed and a shimmering force field erected itself over the castle. I sighed and noticed a shadow had fallen over me. I looked up expecting to find a cloud. Instead, a tumbling white bus emblazoned with an orange, pink, and blue stripe was plummeting towards me. 06 Coming Through a Town Near YouI laid there in defeat, in the middle of a dirty street staring up at the blue sky, not even bothering to avert my eyes as the sun slowly came into view. As it started to burn I blinked the water out of my eyes and turned my head. I saw a small pony run up to me, only a few inches tall. It was cyan and plastic, wings rubber banded to its back. It looked like a living toy doll. “You! Please, you’ve got to help us!” Dash shouted, her voice sounding tinny and far away. “I don’t care, just let me lay here and die. Things can’t get anyworse.” “Worse? Yes they can! Twilight will turn you into a doll in her dollhouse! But you’re like, huge! You’ve got to beat her up. Pow, kick, kabam! And save us all! Please!” I turned my head to look towards the other side of the street. I heard the pitter patter of tiny hooves running around my head, and Dash reappeared. “Come on Mister! Won’t you at least try? Or get a message to Celestia? The whole town’s doll-sized now! You could march right out of here to safety!” “Meh.” There was something bumping into my side and I rolled my head back the other direction and spotted a doll-pony sized bus ramming into my side. It was about the size of a loaf of bread and posed no risk to actually running me over. It was kinda sus that the bus shrank too but I didn’t care, picking up the Sussex bus and throwing it down the road. Dash had taken off to search for help by now when I heard a pony approaching. “Well, what have we here?” Twilight asked. “Don’t care.” “You damaged my bus, that wasn’t very nice.” I felt a tingle of magic and the buildings around me began to grow in size. I’d flattened a fair number of them, but soon I was the size of the tiny toy doll I’d seen earlier. Twilight loomed over me, a giant twenty times my size. “Well, It is going to take me a while to rebuild all this, but I suppose you can stay as my friend if you promise to be nice.” “Still don’t give a shit.” Twilight gasped. “You can’t say that in Equestria, the penalty is death. Sorry!” I shrugged and heard the familiar whine of a bus engine, the once tiny bus now looming over me as it picked up speed and hit my head. I woke up in an empty field, sitting up to see over the foot-tall grass. The skies, trees, and river had not changed, but Ponyville was gone. Instead, all I could see were feral horses wandering around eating grass. They were normal, Earth sized, stupid horses. I got up and walked over to pet one. It whinnied back to me, and its eyes sparkled with recognition, but the feral creature didn’t say or do anything. It resumed nibbling at some of the grass. I looked around realizing this was it: the worst version of Equestria. The bus had finally hit me enough times to send me to a truly inescapably, irredeemably awful Equestria. I glanced back to the horse I had just petted and saw it winking at me. “Well, I guess it’s not all bad here.” On my way over to pet the horse some more, I heard grass and gravel crunching as something wheeled closer to me. I looked to my left and saw the red bus was back. It idled about twenty feet away, watching me. Behind the wheel was the man I’d seen back on Earth at the bus stop, the one who I had pickpocketed while he seemed to die of a heart attack. Sighing, I sat down. “You win!” I shouted. “Whatever the moral of the story is, I get it, okay? I’m a jerk! I shouldn’t have stolen that video game from you! I’m an asshole! A weeb! A hikikomori! I liked shipping Applejack and Rarity! Okay?! I’ve got flaws!” The bus continued to idle and the man inside nodded once, slowly. “Look, I’m sorry! I’ll try to be better. I won’t take advantage of Equestria, just give me a chance! Send me back to one of the good ones!” The driver mulled it over for a moment, before I heard the engine rev. I raised my arms out to the side. “Well then?” The tires began to squeal and the parking brake released. 07 Gonna Be My DayI woke up to the sound of birds and familiar clear skies. “Well this day just got interesting.” “What?” I sat up and looked around, spotting a white pegasus gliding down towards me. “Wow look at his sparkle, it’s… kinda sticky looking,” Izzy stated. “Whoa, first dragons return, and now this… uh what are you? Do you mind answering a short hundred question survey?” “Slow down now, let’s not overwhelm him. I’m Hitch, sheriff of Maretime bay. Who are you?” I began to cackle in joy. The ponies were back to normal. They could talk, they were colorful, they weren’t taking dumps in the middle of the road. The bus had finally forgiven me and sent me back to a normal My Little Pony world! “Mind posing for my insta and a few videos?” Pipp asked. I looked over and saw the mane five, each looking at me with their own unique expressions. Then it dawned on me. The bus had sent me to live out the remainder of my life in Generation 5. Gen 5, as in, the worst generation. “Motherf—ker!”
01 Leave the Driving to UsI don't normally leave my house, but the newest greatest video game ever was released and I would be in line at Gamestop to score an early release copy of the game. Well, sort of early, like nine o'clock, and I'd have to wait in line for at least two hours, but it would be worth it! I grabbed my backpack and headed down the street from my apartment to the small shopping center. It was cloudy out and might rain soon, and the sun had barely started to set due to the longer summers in the Northwest. Ancient Dragon Magical Schoolgirls Seven was coming out today, and promised to be everything we'd ever wanted from the series. Sure, it took a downturn in the fifth sequel when they had to get woke and include a male character in the all-female cast. However, they'd gotten rid of the loot boxes from the sixth game and promised to only slightly monetize the outfits in this one! And if you're thinking of judging me for playing a game with a title like Ancient Dragon Magical Schoolgirls Seven, then clearly you're an out of touch boomer. Sure it's a 14 year old school girl, but she's in the body of a ten thousand year old ancient dragon. It's not pervy if you're fantasizing about sticking it in a wrinkly old red dragon anus. At least, that's what the top comment on reddit said. As I approached the store I noticed an old man with salt and pepper hair and a beard, tapping a foot impatiently at the bus stop. Behind him the line had rounded the corner for the Gamestop, which is a totally legitimate business that still has a reason to exist in 2022. I joined the end of the line and watched as we slowly shuffled forward single-file into a dimly lit under-staffed store clinging to relevance with spit, duct tape, and people brave enough to HODL. When I passed the old man I noticed him muttering to himself. I stepped a little closer and briefly overheard "it's late, the portal will only be open for another thirty seconds." I laughed and shook my head, when I heard a thump and saw him on the ground clutching his chest. I rolled my eyes, but then I noticed a copy of Ancient Dragon Magical Schoolgirls Seven in his pocket. Mint in box! No one was paying the old man any notice, like they couldn't even see him. I glanced around one last time to make sure, then stepped forward and pulled the game from his pocket. He looked up at me, "call... an ... ambulance..." I chuckled, and stepped into the street to head home. Looking around I was shocked no one had noticed. Then a bright light filled the air and I heard a loud honking noise. Before I could turn around my world exploded in pain, the wind was knocked out of me, and the next thing I remember I hit a curb and bounced into a wooden power pole. There was a snapping noise and I heard someone say before I blacked out, "but not for me..." I jolted awake and sat up in the middle of a dusty road on a bright sunny day, surrounded by chirping birds and pastel ponies. Compared to artistic websites I visit, this was only like the top fifty of weird things I'd seen. I appeared to be smack dab in the middle of a children's cartoon, one I'd been a fan of nearly a decade ago but had fallen into irrelevance with the creation of TikTok, Fortnight, and my custom Minecraft server mod that made the game all about oviposition. Trust me, being implanted with a creeper egg is really hot if you texture it right. "Ohmygosh! Are you okay?" A pony asked, appearing in front of me in a flash of pink. "Pinkie Pie?" I muttered. "Yep! That's me, but if you know me and I don't know you, does that mean I'm you and you're me?" "What?" "You know, like a body snatchers thing. You're obviously not from around here, I mean, where's the fur? And are those fingers? Spike has fingers—" I drowned her out as I lifted up my arms and examined my hands. Taking stock of my situation it looked like I'd woken up in Ponyville, but as a human. It was just my luck that I'd finally live the dream of being transported to Equestria but not get turned into a pony, even a mud pony would be better than a human. Then again, I had fingers, which meant I could perform a wide variety of services for ponies ranging from benign to bangin'. "—you're gonna get run over though if you keep sitting out here in the road! We should take you to the city hall so we can get you your free home, job, healthcare, and all that jazz. You couldn't have picked a better place to drop into... wait what's your name?" "I'm Jake." "Hi Jake! I'm Pinkie, but you knew that." I reached out and squeezed her flank, watching the cutie mark jiggle slightly. "Eep! What are you doing Jake?" "Oh, I read a story once that ponies liked getting squeezed." Pinkie shook herself free of my grip. "Oh someone's been doing too much reading from the Adult section of Twilight's library. We better save that for the first date, and I'm totally calling dibs now because you know the rest of my friends are gonna want to be the first to get in bed with a human." I stood up and brushed some of the dirt off myself with my hands, looking around to notice a few ponies glancing my way with what is best described as bedroom eyes. "Huh, Pinkie, how do you know I'm human?" "I had a hoof itch, ear twitch, and a snitch which is like a sneeze with an itchy throat. Well, come on this way to the relocation center so we can welcome you to Equestria the right way!" I nodded, and smelled a familiar scent. It took a moment to place it as the rubber of tires that had been recently driven on, mixed in with a hint of asphalt. I looked around in confusion but didn't see any vehicles. "Hey, Pinkie," I turned to face her. "Have you—" I stopped as I watched a large bus, with gray brushed aluminum and bright blue racing lines down the side, approached me head-on. A small dog logo was visible as the brights flashed on. I recovered just in time to try and dive to the side, getting clipped by the bus and sent tumbling across the ground.
02 Because We CareA sharp pain sent me gasping for air, sitting up quickly as the street spun around me. It took a moment for everything to come back into focus as my heart stopped racing. "Are you a spy?" somepony asked. I glanced up at a small cloud and spotted Rainbow Dash sitting there, recalling she was the best pony from the show. Anyone who disagreed was probably antifa. "Rainbow! Did you see a bus around here?" "A bus?" She laughed and rolled onto her back, not stopping for half a minute. Finally she looked back down. "Oh you're serious? We don't have a bus line in Ponyville." I nodded, getting up and stretching my leg to help loosen a sore muscle. I then made my way over to a nearby house and leaned against the wall so I could keep an eye on the street. "So, you're totally a spy right? From some far away country, like out of Daring Do or something? Are you related to Ahuizotl?" "What? No," I sighed. "I was just on my way to pick up this really bitchin' video game when I got hit by a bus. Twice." "Huh that sucks. Wanna sleep over at my place? It's, uh, totally safe from buses because it's a cloud house." I sighed and shook my head at her naivety. "I don't have wings, how would I do that?" "Oh, right." Dash stretched her wings then glided down to the ground. She stood barely up past my waist. "Why don't we head over to the relocation center so I can get my free home and party and healthcare and all that jazz." "Uh, what?" Dash asked. "You know, Pinkie said you give out a free home." Dash started laughing again. "Oh, good one. Maybe we can find you some work on Applejack's farm, but we're all about that sweet... uh... what do you call it when you only care about making money?" "Capitalism?" "Yeah! We're all about that in Equestria! Also Princesses, and apple bucking, and other kinds of bucking." I nodded, still confused as hell, but at least it seems I woke up, back in Equestria, and bucking was still at the forefront of every pony's minds. I'm not saying women were ungrateful back on Earth, but I'm a totally normal nice guy who just couldn't get any action that didn't come in a disposable six-pack of eggs or with a totally-legal ancient dragon magical school girl dakimakura pillow cover on it. "Wait," I said looking down at Dash and reached down to pat her head. "Huh that's weird, you seem a few inches shorter than Pinkie." "No way! I'm two full feathers taller than her," Dash complained, puffing out her fuzzy chest hair indignantly. "Oh, uh sorry, my mistake. I'm just a bit confused, seeing as how I have been hit by two buses in the space of like, fifteen minutes?" "Ah, well that sounds more like a Twilight problem than a Dash problem. Though, I do have some pipes that need cleaning and I can't reach them but I bet you can..." Dash looked up with me with wide moist puppy eyes. I smiled widely and looked back down at her. "Well, I guess I've got time for that before I figure out what the hell is going on." I wiggled my fingers in front of her face. "These things are rather slender and perfect for getting deep into... pipes." She stifled a moan, and nodded her head to the left. "Town motel's that way." Dash turned and trotted across the street, tail waving high in the air. I almost stepped out into the road but stopped. I looked to the left, then the right, then the left again. I even looked up. There was no way in hell I was crossing this street until I was damn sure there were no buses. I wouldn't have the fucking greyhound cock-block me and keep me from punching the first hole in my V-card. Once I was absolutely damn certain there were no buses on the road. I took one step away from the house I had been leaning on. I then heard a loud noise. An explosion of wood and glass flew past me, knocking me forward to the ground. The last thing I saw was a white and black bus with wavy blue-green lines careening through the rubble and pancake me against something rigid and unyielding.
03 Let's Take Back ControlI opened my eyes to the sight of a light blue sky with tiny scattered clouds. I could taste dirt, blood, and what I think was asphalt. I spit out a few small black pebbles as I sat up, finding a curvy lavender unicorn with flowing purple locks of pink-streaked hair holding her softly fuzzed muzzle mere inches from my own face, two inquisitive wide eyes staring back into mine. "Fascinating. Did you teleport here? You don't have a horn and there's barely a trace of magic, yet you materialized in less than a second." "I'm fine, Twilight, thanks for asking." "You know my name?" She asked. "Wait, you're Twilight Sparkle!" My eyes went wide as I looked around for any buses. "Quick! I need you to cast a bubble around us so I don't get hit by a bus!" "What?" She tilted her head to the side slightly and raised an eyebrow. "Please just do it!" She shrugged and a purple dome formed around us. "Whew, thank goodness." "What's your name?" Twilight asked. "I'm Jake." "And do you know what day it is?" "Uh, it's Saturday?" "It's Tuesday. And who is mayor?" "Uh, crap I don't remember. Some wrinkly old lady?" I replied. "I think you might have a concussion, you don't know what day it is or who the mayor is. Do you know how you got here?" "Yeah I got hit by a bus three times in a row." Twilight nodded. "Hmm, definitely sounds like a concussion then." I noticed several ponies watching us have our little conversation in a purple bubble in the middle of the street, including a jet black alicorn with a red mane and tail. They had some killer orange and red flames as a cutie mark. "Whoa, who the hell is that?" "Huh?" Twilight turned her head. "Oh, that's O.C. She's not bad once you get to know her." I glanced around, confirming my suspicions. Countless original characters were milling around. A yellow pegasi with green hair, a pink one with yellow hair and a blue highlight, a white earth pony with light blue hair, and many more. I could even vaguely make out Cloud Kicker bending Blossomforth over a park bench in what appeared to be copious amounts of strawberry jelly. "Are you coming to a startling realization or is an intracranial hemorrhage slowly cutting off oxygen flow to your brain, Jake?" "I... I think each time I get hit by a bus I wake up in a slightly worse version of Equestria. First I was gonna get a free house and probably a fake job like search and rescue pony and just leech off the welfare state. Then Dash said I'd have to work on the farm but at least I was gonna get laid. Now there are OC's everywhere!" Twilight gasped. "Dash was going to sleep with you? But she's only into mares." I sighed, a faint glimmer of hope remaining. "Well at least ponies are still open with their sexuality, so my odds of getting laid are good." Twilight laughed, only stopping when she noticed the angry look on my face. "Oh, sorry, but... well I don't know how to say this so I'll just spit it out. We have strict laws against inter-racial marriage and bestiality. Since you're some sort of hairless ape, it's all but illegal for anypony to uh... help you 'get laid' Jake." "Fu—." "Stop!" she gasped and looked around. "Right the bubble is sound-proof... okay, so you can't say that word and six others." "What?" I asked. "What are the other words, and why?" "Well, the Princess just decided that there were seven bad words that were, like, way worse than the others. So anypony caught saying them has their tongue removed." "Jesus christ." "That one's okay to say." Twilight looked around and her bubble turned opaque. "Just don't say any of these." She leaned forward and whispered them into my ear. I nodded, and the bubble turned translucent again. "Right, thanks. So I guess it could be worse. I'm still in Equestria, and I bet I can still get a harem going... I just have to play it cool, and figure out why I keep getting hit by buses." "Well, I don't know any spells for that. I also can't keep this bubble going all day, unless you want to make a scene. I suppose you could try to ask around and see if anypony knows anything about buses. Maybe you can ask O.C., those ponies that immigrated to Ponyville lately are always talking about some really bizarre sh— stuff." "Alright. Do any of them have a motor vehicle cutie mark?" "No, but one of them works at a factory. If anyone in Ponyville knows about machinery, it’s her. She keeps the wheels greased, so to speak. You'll need a weather balloon to reach it; there's one in town square for rent." "Thanks, can you let this bubble down and I'll head that way? If nothing else, I bet a bus can't hit me in a weather balloon." The bubble vanished in a flash of violet. "Okay, just remember not to take naps since you might still have a concussion. I'm going to do a little totally-ethical research in my secret laboratory and if I find anything out I'll let you know!" Twilight teleported away without waiting for a reply. I shrugged and walked in the direction Twilight had indicated, careful to keep my head on a swivel and look out for any buses. Along the way I heard a pair of familiar voices and turned my head as I walked by. "Yep Dashie!" Pinkie gaily said. "Come on down to my basement and we'll make some cupcakes!" "They're gonna be totally awesome!" Dash followed her into the bakery, the door shutting behind her. I had a vague memory of something familiar but couldn't put my finger on it, shrugged and continued onward. As I got closer I could see the balloon tied to the ground, and noticed Rarity in front of her boutique. "Oh, yes Trixie. I've decided to so generously invite you into my boutique for a private fitting for a new cape. My sewing supplies are down in the basement!" Rarity explained, a wicked glint in her eye. "The Great and Powerful Trixie is most glad you have seen the error of your ways and invited me to come here today, alone, for a private fitting while your store is closed. Onward!" Trixie giggled as she trotted inside the boutique. Again, there was something not quite right, but I was so glad to have not been hit by another f—ing bus that I didn't care about any of the odd s—t going on. As I approached the balloon I saw Big Mac leading the Cutie Mark Crusaders into a storm cellar. I saw Cheerilee tilling some soil to plant flowers, sliding a tiara out of sight as she caught me glancing her direction. Even Fluttershy was out today, staring at me and muttering something under her breath. I sighed and rolled my eyes, untying the hot air balloon and climbing in, not bothering to find the owner. I used a small crystal device that seemed to ignite some source of gas, filling the balloon with more hot air and causing me to rise into the air. It was now that I realized I don't know how to fly hot air balloons. Luckily, it seemed to have caught a current and was heading towards a large set of clouds in the sky from which multiple rainbows were pouring forth. I felt a wave of relaxation go over me, muscles I didn't even realize were tense began to ache from exertion. I looked down at the receding Earth, content that I was safe up here. And then I saw it. A massive wooden ramp had been built off the side of a hill. A double decker bus painted bright red was barreling down the hill towards the ramp. On the side, I could faintly make out something about 350 million pounds, and the NHS. It was picking up speed, its mass and momentum causing it to zoom down the hill throwing up large amounts of dirt. I reached up for the rope in a panic, yanking down to increase the pilot flame and fill the balloon with more hot air. I kept yanking in a panic as the bus hit the ramp, and instead of disintegrating, the wooden ramp flexed and held. Seconds later, a huge red double decker was soaring through the air towards me. "Celestia's t—s!" I watched in horror as it soared towards me, vaguely making out a familiar face behind the wheel. It was losing altitude, and barely nicked the bottom of the basket as it sailed by, failing to hit me. I looked over the rail as the bus plummeted. "Haha! Take that, c—t!" I heard a sound and looked up to find the flame dying down. The balloon was losing altitude but somehow had remained on course, landing in a thick patch of clouds on the large cloud city. The weight of the balloon pushed down through the clouds, and I found myself landing inside some sort of poorly lit industrial factory. The basket had a small door which I opened, putting a foot out tentatively to test the ground. It seemed to hold my weight so I stepped out onto it with both feet, not falling through. "Whew, I made it. No way the bus will find me up here." "What the hell? You're busting up my factory!" An angry yellow pegasus appeared, flanked by a few scruffy looking stallions. "This is private property!" "Wait a minute..." I looked around, noticing several large vats and pipes that for some reason were clear. Inside each pipe, pure colors flowed: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. The pieces began to fall into place from earlier. This Equestria must be the shock-fiction version of the normal Equestria I had landed in earlier today. "This is the rainbow factory!" "Yes, and? We make hopes and dreams come true here." "P—s off c—suckers! I've read this fic, and you'll never take me alive!" I shouted as I backed up. "No, wait!" The green-haired pegasus ran forward. "I said back!" "You'll fall off the—" I stumbled, my foot leaving the hard-as-steel plate and pushing through a layer of soft fluffy cloud near the wall. I lost my balance and reached out, desperately grabbing for the pegasus's outstretched leg. Instead, I caught their name badge, yanked it off the necklace as I plummeted through the clouds. I looked down at it in disbelief. Aurora, Rainbow Crayons Factory Foreman. I released the badge as the wind whipped past, realizing how badly I'd just messed up. I'd been perfectly safe up there, and I had freaked out like a crayon-eating Barbarian from a bad homebrew campaign. As the ground approached I made out the smoldering red wreckage of a bus rapidly approaching me. It beckoned, like a gaping maw of metal split wide open to swallow me whole as I fell directly towards it. There was nothing left I could do as the inevitable bus rushed towards me, but utter one last word. "Motherf—er"
04 The Cleaner Road AheadUpon waking up on a dusty road in the middle of Ponyville, I wasted no time. I immediately bolted down the road, nearly flattening Fluttershy. As much as I’d like to spend a little time with a pegasus with butter smooth thighs, I refused to let that bus win again. It wasn’t until I stepped into a large pile of horse feces that I finally stopped, briefly, to wipe my shoe off. I looked around, noticing that there were piles of the small circular vegetarian horse droppings everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. In fact, there was a pink pegasus squatted on a cloud dropping one out right now, letting it fall in a steaming pile onto the street. “That’s gross!” I shouted. She looked down at me. “Pervert!” She shouted “Use a toilet! You’re not animals!” “Uh, yes we are.” She leapt off and gilded down to meet me. “I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna wipe it with my hoof. Besides, I’m not the one stepping in it and watching others crap. You got some kinda fetish I should know about?” “No, I’m just a human thrown here from another dimension and being relentlessly hunted down by a killer bus.” The pegasus nodded and smiled. “Ah! Why didn’t you say so? I was human once too. The name’s Dawn.” “I’m Jake.” I reached out, and they let me grab their hoof and shake it. “Us humans have to stick together, I’m sure I can get you back to Earth.” “Really?” I asked, skeptical that a pegasi would be good for much more than flying around and bragging like a high school jock. “Yep! I’m an OC. My powers are limited only by the ability of my author to feel shame, and in that regard, my power level’s over 9,000.” I rolled my eyes at the dated reference. Dawn sighed. “Come on, no one around here gets my jokes. I figured at least you would.” “Spouting random pop culture references doesn’t count as making a joke.” “Wow, who pissed in your cheerios?” I blinked in confusion, and looked around. “Wait, you can say p—s?” “Yeah, self-insert powers, remember? You’re kinda slow. What’s your deal?” I let out a long exasperated sigh. “Okay, so I keep getting hit by a bus and each time I wake up in Equestria. But it’s not like the cool anime kind where I get a harem and save the world by finding the sword of a thousand truths—” “And he thinks my references are bad—” “—so then I tried getting up in a hot air balloon to escape it and it jumped off a freaking ramp that wasn’t there before. If it keeps hitting me, who knows how bad of an Equestria I’ll wake up in!” “Alright, alright!” Dawn gestured across the street. “That’s my old bachelor pad, you can hang out there to hide from the bus, I’d recommend the basement. It can’t bust through twelve feet of packed dirt and brick.” I smiled at the thought. “That’s a great idea! Just promise me it’s not some murder basement, because I’m still eighty percent certain I witnessed half a dozen pre-mediated murders in the last version of Equestria.” “Nothing that depraved… it’s where Dash and I keep the sex dungeon, can’t have our filly using a ball gag as a pacifier. That’s probably… three or four buses away still” I groaned and followed them towards the house, watching them pull out a key to unlock it. “On the show nopony locks their homes, or takes dumps off a cloud. This really is getting out of control.” “Hey, you should try it sometime. It's very liberating, it’s also why they always say Never look up on a cloudy day. It’s also why Dash doesn’t eat Mexican food before races anymore.” “What?” I asked as I followed her inside. “Do you at least have some fiction or pop culture references from the last decade? Maybe a TikTok account?” “Nope, what’s that? I bailed on Earth back in like, 2014.” By now we’d headed across the living room and she’d unlocked the basement, letting me head down the stairs. The house was proportioned for a pony, so I had to watch my head around the door frames. I found the light and turned it on. “2014? Hmm, so you’re really outta the loop then. Missed out on the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Game of Thrones ending, and the annual 110 degree global heatwaves.” “Wait,” Dawn darted down the stairs behind me. “Sequel trilogy?! You got to see how Game of Thrones ended?! Tell me everything, now!” “Uh…” I rubbed my head and laughed nervously. “Forget I said anything, trust me… Disney didn’t do it justice, and then Game of Thrones was just indescribably bad…” “Come on, I’m dying here! I have to know!” Dawn pleaded. “Really, you’re better off not… besides the shows are way too political so I stick to anime! Did you know Marvel has a teenage female superhero now? Not to mention Amazon Prime made a show that mocks nazis. Nah, Equestria is my golden ticket out of that shithole. I just want to settle down and bang some hot ponies.” Dawn raised an eyebrow. “Yeah… I think it may be your attitude that’s the problem and not Equestria. Maybe you should try and fix that; karma’s a bitch and all. It might help you with your magic school bus problem.” “Really, another reference?” Jake sighed. “Well I already said I’d help you so I’m going to leave before I regret it. Just try to return the house in one piece. I’ll be upstairs for a bit but I’ve got to be back to watch the kiddo soon. Let me know if you need anything, and I wouldn’t go digging through the toy boxes down here.” Dawn hurried up the steps and closed the door, leaving me alone in the modestly sized basement. There was a washer and dryer, some odd looking furniture, and some tidely stacked boxes. There were a couple bean bags that I could use to relax; fortunately there were no black lights down here. I’d, at the very least, be safe from any buses. I was staring at the laundry machines in the basement when I tripped over a metal bar that I hadn’t noticed there a few seconds before. I looked down and muttered to myself. “A rail? What the hell?” Then I noticed the concrete sleepers underneath and heard the rumbling. A deafening railroad horn caused me to jump and hit my head on the ceiling, the noise echoing and causing my ears to ring. I crapped my pants, not at all finding it liberating as the pegasi had suggested, and dove behind the nearby water heater. It was a double-stacked Z train, headed east towards the fast single track of the BNSF Emporia Sub in Flint Hills. As it roared past, I considered myself lucky to have dodged its attack. It was actually majestic as hell: traveling 75 miles per hour, with six units, and distributed power. 4 ES44DC’s pulling and 2 Dash-9’s pushing, all in run 8. The whole basement smelled like diesel. I considered myself lucky after it passed, carefully heading to the stairs to get out of the basement in case the train came again. I was fortunate, for there is truly no way to discern which path a train will take, so I would have to be vigilant for trains as well as buses now. If only there were some sort of marks on the ground I could avoid, since my plate was already full just trying to outrun the bus. By the time I got upstairs, I called out. “Dawn, there was a freaking train in your basement! What the hell is going on? Dawn?” I looked around and saw a set of black tire prints on the floor, and a pony that had been flattened like a tube of toothpaste from the middle. They led to what I had thought was the wall, but was actually a bus parked right in the hole it had busted through the wall. The high beams flickered on. “F—k my life.”
05 The Way To Go“Well ah reckon ah ain’t never—” “Shut up, I hate your accent,” I said to Applejack, pushing her away from me as I woke up. “You were born and raised in Ponyville yet somehow only you have that hick accent, and no one else.” Applejack sat dumbfounded as I wandered away down the road. As I passed by several ponies I noticed they’d gotten shorter again, only up to my knee. The street was still littered with droppings. At this point between the repeated killings and the constantly nude ponies, I had a horrible case of blue balls. I’d take anything at this point; a cat would be fine too. As I aimlessly explored the town I came across the white pony I’d seen a few buses ago. “Oh hey, aren’t you an OC? Got anything to help a human stop getting hit by buses?” “Huh?” The pony rubbed a hoof behind her mane, and was wearing some small saddlebags. They were kind of cute. I could probably pick them up by them, and use them like a sock. “Uh, well I don’t know if I could help with that. You’re almost tall enough to see over the roofs of the houses, and you’re having trouble with buses?” “Yeah, if I could just find a way to hide or blend in with ponies I bet I could avoid it.” “Oh! Well, my special talent does happen to be transformations. I’m Spectra.” “Transformations?” I asked. “Yep! Pony, unicorn, changeling, or even… feral horse? I won’t judge! If you’ve got an itch you just can’t scratch and twenty-four to forty-eight hours for the slow-burning but oh-so-good transformation to kick in, I’m your gal!” “Um… I’m not sure I have that long to wait. Plus, no offense, but I’m not sure I want to be a tiny cartoon pony that poops in the middle of the streets.” “Pfft, don’t knock it ‘til you try it.” “Got anything that's normal?” “Nah. Sounds like a Twilight problem. I’m gonna go, don’t really appreciate the way you’re staring at me.” I blinked. “Oh, right, uh, my bad.” I looked over the nearby roofs towards a small crystal castle and began to head that way. Every pony might be getting smaller, making me relatively larger, but there was still a good chance that Twilight could use her magic to fix this. At the very least, maybe we could just chill in the bubble shield for a few days. As I approached the castle I saw Twilight stumble outside, shouting a string of profanity across the street at a small dragon who was being helped to move his belongings out of the castle. “You won’t lasht a wheek without me!” “You pooped right on my bed, and nearly sliced my finger off! I’ll see you in court!” I gulped as Twilight turned to look at me. “Who the hell are you?” Her laser focused anger seemed to sober her up. “Come to file another complaint? I’ve just had my 500th filed! Plus, I’ve got to try to talk Luna out of her war on wokeness which she thinks means not letting people wake up from sleep anymore! Not to mention I just lost my damn fax machine, so I’m gonna have to hoof letters to Canterlot like a damn Earth pony!” “I…” This disgruntled student of friendship didn’t at all seem like the Twilight from the show. This could be my last chance to magic my way out of this mess. “I’m a human from Earth. I keep getting hit by a bus, and each time I wake up in a worse Equestria! Please, you’ve got to use magic to fix it!” “Fix it yourself!” She belched, and took a swig from the almost empty vodka bottle before flinging it at my head. I only barely dodged it. “I’m heading back inside to have a mega-pint of wine!” The door slammed closed and a shimmering force field erected itself over the castle. I sighed and noticed a shadow had fallen over me. I looked up expecting to find a cloud. Instead, a tumbling white bus emblazoned with an orange, pink, and blue stripe was plummeting towards me.
06 Coming Through a Town Near YouI laid there in defeat, in the middle of a dirty street staring up at the blue sky, not even bothering to avert my eyes as the sun slowly came into view. As it started to burn I blinked the water out of my eyes and turned my head. I saw a small pony run up to me, only a few inches tall. It was cyan and plastic, wings rubber banded to its back. It looked like a living toy doll. “You! Please, you’ve got to help us!” Dash shouted, her voice sounding tinny and far away. “I don’t care, just let me lay here and die. Things can’t get anyworse.” “Worse? Yes they can! Twilight will turn you into a doll in her dollhouse! But you’re like, huge! You’ve got to beat her up. Pow, kick, kabam! And save us all! Please!” I turned my head to look towards the other side of the street. I heard the pitter patter of tiny hooves running around my head, and Dash reappeared. “Come on Mister! Won’t you at least try? Or get a message to Celestia? The whole town’s doll-sized now! You could march right out of here to safety!” “Meh.” There was something bumping into my side and I rolled my head back the other direction and spotted a doll-pony sized bus ramming into my side. It was about the size of a loaf of bread and posed no risk to actually running me over. It was kinda sus that the bus shrank too but I didn’t care, picking up the Sussex bus and throwing it down the road. Dash had taken off to search for help by now when I heard a pony approaching. “Well, what have we here?” Twilight asked. “Don’t care.” “You damaged my bus, that wasn’t very nice.” I felt a tingle of magic and the buildings around me began to grow in size. I’d flattened a fair number of them, but soon I was the size of the tiny toy doll I’d seen earlier. Twilight loomed over me, a giant twenty times my size. “Well, It is going to take me a while to rebuild all this, but I suppose you can stay as my friend if you promise to be nice.” “Still don’t give a shit.” Twilight gasped. “You can’t say that in Equestria, the penalty is death. Sorry!” I shrugged and heard the familiar whine of a bus engine, the once tiny bus now looming over me as it picked up speed and hit my head. I woke up in an empty field, sitting up to see over the foot-tall grass. The skies, trees, and river had not changed, but Ponyville was gone. Instead, all I could see were feral horses wandering around eating grass. They were normal, Earth sized, stupid horses. I got up and walked over to pet one. It whinnied back to me, and its eyes sparkled with recognition, but the feral creature didn’t say or do anything. It resumed nibbling at some of the grass. I looked around realizing this was it: the worst version of Equestria. The bus had finally hit me enough times to send me to a truly inescapably, irredeemably awful Equestria. I glanced back to the horse I had just petted and saw it winking at me. “Well, I guess it’s not all bad here.” On my way over to pet the horse some more, I heard grass and gravel crunching as something wheeled closer to me. I looked to my left and saw the red bus was back. It idled about twenty feet away, watching me. Behind the wheel was the man I’d seen back on Earth at the bus stop, the one who I had pickpocketed while he seemed to die of a heart attack. Sighing, I sat down. “You win!” I shouted. “Whatever the moral of the story is, I get it, okay? I’m a jerk! I shouldn’t have stolen that video game from you! I’m an asshole! A weeb! A hikikomori! I liked shipping Applejack and Rarity! Okay?! I’ve got flaws!” The bus continued to idle and the man inside nodded once, slowly. “Look, I’m sorry! I’ll try to be better. I won’t take advantage of Equestria, just give me a chance! Send me back to one of the good ones!” The driver mulled it over for a moment, before I heard the engine rev. I raised my arms out to the side. “Well then?” The tires began to squeal and the parking brake released.
07 Gonna Be My DayI woke up to the sound of birds and familiar clear skies. “Well this day just got interesting.” “What?” I sat up and looked around, spotting a white pegasus gliding down towards me. “Wow look at his sparkle, it’s… kinda sticky looking,” Izzy stated. “Whoa, first dragons return, and now this… uh what are you? Do you mind answering a short hundred question survey?” “Slow down now, let’s not overwhelm him. I’m Hitch, sheriff of Maretime bay. Who are you?” I began to cackle in joy. The ponies were back to normal. They could talk, they were colorful, they weren’t taking dumps in the middle of the road. The bus had finally forgiven me and sent me back to a normal My Little Pony world! “Mind posing for my insta and a few videos?” Pipp asked. I looked over and saw the mane five, each looking at me with their own unique expressions. Then it dawned on me. The bus had sent me to live out the remainder of my life in Generation 5. Gen 5, as in, the worst generation. “Motherf—ker!”
