Diaries of the Anonymous Filly

I hissed in pain as Twilight 'tended' to my burns. Evidently, even Princess Luna couldn't protect my dreams one hundred percent of the time, as my sleep had been anything but peaceful. As a result, I'd tossed and turned throughout the night as specters of yesterday's anxieties overwhelmed me. From Scootaloo rejecting my help, to me freezing-up after being soaked with my tea, I saw no rest that night.

"Anon, sit still!" she commanded, gently pinning me in place with her magic to prevent any further struggle. It was kinda embarrassing, but in her defense, I did try to hide in the cabinet under the bathroom sink the first time she touched one of the burns. "I can't treat the blisters that burst on your neck and withers last night if you don't stay still!"

Try as I might, though, I couldn't sit still. I don't know if she was trying to rinse with a disinfectant, or if the antibiotic ointment prescribed just stung that badly, but it hurt like fuck. If not for the fact that she was holding me in place in the air with magic, I might've even done something stupid like gone into the library to hide on top of a bookshelf to get away, started a fire, or something.

"So what's on your agenda today, Twilight?" I asked, managing to not flinch as she started wrapping me in compression bandages. "If you're going to spend time with your infant niece, surely you must have a plan."

Giving me a nod, she set me down. "I heard that Cheerilee's younger class experienced an outbreak of Horsey Hives just in time for school picture day and have been hospitalised," she said in a somber sounding voice. "I was thinking about taking Flurry with me to help cheer them up, and then introduce her to the Cake twins."

I blinked, noting that my eyes were still feeling kind of dry, as I turned to regard her. "Run that by me again, ma'am?" Maybe there was a tone of alarm in my voice, or the fact that I called her ma'am surprised her, but she took an involuntary step back. "You're going to take an infant to a hospital to visit a bunch of kids who are clearly sick with something contagious and have all been hospitalised by it, and then take her to meet two other infants after being exposed!?" I covered my face and sighed. To be honest, it was fucking retarded, but telling it to her like it was would win me no favours. Plus, my potty-mouth would get me in trouble at school or with other adults if I didn't start censoring myself. "That's flipping stupid, Twilight."

She seemed sufficiently cowed by my opinion, because her ears drooped. "When you put it like that, it does sound pretty bad," she admitted. Watching me blink my eyes again, she seemed to catch on that they were in need of the eye drops. "What would you suggest, then?"

I shrugged as she levitated the eye-drops over me and waited for me to present my eyes. "Seeing foals her own age would be good," I offered, not at all wincing as the medication fell into my open eye. "At her stage, if she's anything like my sisters when they were infants at least, she might enjoy being taken out to a meadow or glade to play, or see all the animals in nature. Maybe make a play-date of it with Mr. and Mrs. Cake, and see if Miss Fluttershy would be interested in arranging safe meetings with her woodland friends?"

For a moment, she looked like she was going to make a comment about my own apparent experience in childcare, but surprisingly, she stayed quiet about it. She probably realised that bringing up my past was pointless, and that it was blatantly obvious that I basically helped Mom raise Sara and Laura in place of our father. Instead, she smiled and nodded. "That sounds like a wonderful idea, Anon. Would you like to come with us?"

The idea was kind of tempting, if only to see how Twilight would handle caring for an infant, but at the same time, I could tell that Flurry could easily be far more high-energy than I might be willing to deal with right now. She seemed perfectly capable of limited flight, from what I'd seen, and the last thing I'd wanna be doing is chasing after a flying baby. That seemed like the shortcut to pain, especially when said baby was also capable of firing lasers from her forehead.

Unfortunately for Twilight, I actually did have some plans of my own. First and foremost, I wanted to go see if I would be permitted a visit with AJ. She was, after all, just in jail, not solitary confinement. Ponies didn't really seem like the type to do that sort of thing, barring extreme cases; they seemed too social of a species. Can a pony die of loneliness?

I also wanted to check in with Rarity about that cloak. I know that it'd only been two days, and she said that it'd take a few due to orders, but given that I was probably gonna be wrapped up like this for more than a few days, I'd need a cloak to keep my bandages dry and covered. Maybe I should go with that stop first.

Other than that, I also kinda wanted to begin making contingency plans. Nothing like how and where to disappear in Equestria—at least, not yet—but rather where I could disappear for a few days of solitude. As it was, I was being a lot more social lately than I was used to, so ideally, it'd be a place I could build a little home-away-from-home. A nearby river with salmon would be a definite plus. To that end, I'd probably ask around while I'm out.

To accomplish that, though, I'd also need to get my hooves on some survival tools. A decent knife and a sturdy pot for holding water would be a must, but I'd also probably want an axe for firewood. I don't think ponies have a concept of a chainsaw, so a pocket one's probably right out. Long-term, I could probably hack together some primitive cordage, but I'd probably want to get a length of rope.

"No thanks." I looked away, flicking my ears slightly. "I was going to go visit Miss Rarity, and then go to the jail and see if they'd let me visit Applejack."

Twilight actually cringed when I said that, and I couldn't tell if it's because I didn't apply the same honorific as I was using with the rest of her friends, or because of something else. I mean, the mare doesn't exactly give off the vibe that she cares for overly-polite behaviour; she might expect a yes'm or a no'm if you're in trouble, but full on miss and mister doesn't seem her style.

Upon seeing my confused expression, she explained, "They won't let you in to see her without a guardian present, or written permission." Shaking her head, she ruffled my mane with her hoof, taking care not to touch my scalp too much. "I know you want to make peace with her, but I believe it's for the best that you wait until after she's released and makes her public apology. She needs time to confront her feelings." She turned away, but I could tell she was smiling a bit. "Besides, I'm sure that she'll be glad to hear you stood up for her sister, in spite of everything that had happened."

~ 12 ~

As I slowly walked through Ponyville, I felt... lost. It wasn't like I didn't know where I was; in fact, I was passing by Sugarcube Corner when I realised that it was an apt description of my mood. No, I didn't really know what to do or how to feel—that kind of lost. Half my plan for the day had just been dashed.

Not long after I left Twilight, I'd run into Starlight. Despite Twilight's insistence, I still wanted to talk to Applejack, so of course I asked if she could be my guardian. Unfortunately, Twilight had anticipated that I might try to go around her, and told Starlight and her friends not to help if I tried. Surely I could wait the extra couple of days, right?

Really, I wasn't mad at her. I could even understand why she did it from a rational standpoint. It, after all, wasn't so much about protecting me as it was letting Applejack reflect on what her refusal to seek help for an ongoing problem. I'm just an after thought, or rather a leaping-off point for their intervention after she's released. It doesn't change the fact that this was interfering with my own plan to talk things out like adults, but I understand.

So in the end, I've just been wandering aimlessly, not quite ready to stop in to see Rarity. Ponies stared at me as I passed—after all, I probably looked only slightly better than I felt—but nobody really said anything. I almost expected to hear whispering behind my back, but no; ponies were content to just stare with pitying looks. 'There goes the filly who got smacked by Applejack, and now she's been scalded by two of her classmates; she just can't get a break.'

Eventually, as I drew nearer to Carousel boutique, the world began to shake. Wait, no, that's not right. The wall of the house nearest to me was vibrating under the stress of some heavy bass, and I could just make out a rhythm and some synth instruments. It almost had a similar quality to music I'd heard outside of a club. My 'date' at the time had called it EDM.

I just sorta, sat there for a while, taking it all in. It wasn't exactly my sort of thing—I often listened to the classic rock stations while I was on the road, especially if there were no stations running classical music—but I could see why some might like it. There was a lot of energy to the music, and if I still had toes, I'd probably be tapping them to the beat. Kinda made me wish I'd taken an opportunity to try a rave before I ended up here. It would be a long time before I'd be able to attend one now, if those were even a thing here.

When I finally decided to get a move-on, I realised that almost an entire hour had passed. Ponies didn't seem to wear traditional watches, although I'd seen pocket watches once or twice, and though the town had a clocktower, I wasn't in a place that gave me a good line-of-sight on it. That left me falling back on using the sun's position in the sky to judge the time. Since I'd looked at a clock before I left, and had a decent idea of how long I'd been walking, that left listening to music to make up for the difference in time.

That said, I found that my body appreciated the break after starting to walk again. The stiffness that had built up in the muscles beneath my burns was gone, and although I was still sore, it was nowhere near where it was when I stopped. Until I was fully healed, I could tell I was going to have to take things slow like this. I've been given pony-back rides a couple of times now, but I definitely don't wanna exploit their kindness; besides, I still need to be sure I'm not being played in some long game.

It was just a short walk from the music house to Rarity's home and storefront. That said, although the lights appeared to be on, and the sign on the door proclaimed the store to be open, it didn't seem like anybody was home. Did she go out and forget to lock up? I thought to myself as I pushed the door open.

"You in, Miss Rarity?" I called out as I looked around the showroom. There were several pony-shaped mannequins—ponnequins?—in various shapes and sizes dotting the showroom floor. At first I thought there wasn't much rhyme or reason to their positioning, but as I looked from the mare-shaped ones, and the clothing-inundated racks behind them, to the filly, colt, and stallion shaped ones, it hit me. Though a large portion of her focus seemed directed toward dresses for fillies and mares, there was a smaller selection of tuxedos and similar formalwear for stallions and colts as well.

When no answer came, I began to get an eerie feeling. "Miss Rarity?" Again, I waited, but no answer was forthcoming. I glanced to the fitting rooms on the one side of the room, and then at the other two doors. One of doors was marked 'Keep Out,' and I reckoned that one led into the residence proper, while the other was marked 'Workshop'. That one had a little signboard on a chain that proclaimed 'Creation in Session, please knock'.

Walking over to that door, I felt a shiver of of unease. Why does this feel so nostalgic for all the wrong reasons. My hoof rapped loudly on the door in a familiar one-four-one-one pattern. "You there?" That sensation of unease did not abate as I waited by the door. Still, no answer came, so I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat and pushed the door open.

"Ma, come on, I've got the girls and our things loaded in the truck," echoed in my mind, the phantom sound of my old voice reverberating all around me as I stepped through the door. There I saw Rarity slumped over. She appeared to be at a desk with some sort of sewing machine atop it, her back to the door. Unfortunately, the mare didn't seem to be moving. She was just... unmoving.

Images... memories began to overtake my vision. Mom was slumped over her suitcase and bed. My fingers had come away wet with blood. My heart quickened as I tremulously crept across the floor. A beer bottle spun away on the floor, sent tumbling by my foot. I reached Rarity's side, and found her head resting atop a neatly-folded bundle of white fabric.

I poked her side gently. "Miss Rarity?" I asked, my voice little more than a harsh croak. When had my throat become so dry? "Miss Rarity, did you forget to close up last night?"

She stirred, slightly before sitting up. Her eyes were unfocused; not quite dead-looking, but also quite clearly she wasn't entirely there as she looked around. Finally, her gaze turned to me. Soulless eyes stared at me from a dark doorway.

"Anonymous?" she murmured in a dazed voice. "What are you doing here?"

At the same moment she spoke, however, I heard my father's voice. "Where the fuck you off to, boy?"

A small scream escaped me as I scrambled away.

~ 12 ~

"Darling, are you sure you're alright?" Rarity asked, setting a small tea-cup and saucer before me. It took her more time than I'd like to admit to stop me from hyperventilating, and I was still pretty shaken up. "I'm terribly sorry about the scare; I was so engrossed in finishing your cloak last night that I must have forgotten to close up shop."

I haven't had an episode like that in... ever, come to think of it.

The tea smelled overly flowery, and although I couldn't identify the scent offhand, it made me think of perfume. A bit bitter... As I sniffed at it, however, I got hints of something else. It kinda reminded me of the house parties I would gate-crash—both the ones I'd attend for card games, or those I went to get a snack from—but I couldn't place exactly why.

I regarded Rarity with a raised eyebrow as I added two spoonfuls of sugar to the cup. "Not really," I murmured, taking a sip of the tea. A shiver ran down my back, and I was tempted to go for another spoonful of sugar, but I stopped myself. "Gah, that's kinda bitter. What is this?"

"Oh, it's a calming jasmine tea recommended by a friend of Fluttershy's," she explained, pouring herself a cup as well. I think that she realised that I was deflecting from her question, because she quickly redirected. "I know things must be very strange for you, being forced to endure this second childhood and having that—" She gestured at my bandages. "—happen on your first day of school, but if you want to talk..."

Sighing, I took a long drink from the cup of tea. I couldn't exactly make eye contact with her with the memory of what happened so fresh again. For a long while, I just sat there, staring into the cup at my reflection. I'd have to open up to a therapist about all this anyway, and she seemed to genuinely care—all of Twilight's friends seemed like genuinely caring... ponies—but in a way that made it all the harder to be sure about telling her.

"Have you ever lost anyone close to you?" I asked, fidgeting the cup in my hooves. "The day I left everything behind—my home, my sisters and everything that I owned—was the day I lost my Mom... and the day the thing that called itself my father finally had the dignity to die."

Maybe it was the cold indifference in my voice, but Rarity seemed somehow... paler when I said that. "He killed her, Rarity," I said, my voice little more than a harsh whisper as tears began to distort the corners of my vision. "The day we were finally gonna take my sisters and leave his abusive ass... and he caved Ma's head in with a f—flipping beer bottle. Found her slumped over her suitcase, just as I found you slumped over your work..."

Finishing off the cup of tea, I buried my face in my hooves. "After getting my sisters down to Old <>'s place, I went back. I was so confused and angry in the heat of the moment that I was ready to end him with his own <>. I felt like I was stranger in my own body, no longer in control."

"Did you..." she asked in a halting voice. I was shocked that her voice sounded so close. She'd just been on the other side of the table a moment ago, but she sounded like she was right beside me. "Did you end your father?"

I shook my head, looking up at her. "Thankfully, I never got the chance to find out what I'd do," I whispered. "By the time I'd driven the <> back up from Old <>'s farm, he'd gone and hung himself. Guilt and sobriety probably caught up with the bastard."

A warmth was filling my chest, and I wasn't sure if it was from finally speaking to someone about what'd happened, the tea, or some additive therein. "Maybe the most screwed up part is... I still did him the decency of digging him a proper grave beside my mother before I burned the place and ran." I shook my head and looked her in the eye. "I wanted to stay with my sisters, but after the way I'd left <>'s, I don't think the sheriffs would've bought that I didn't kill him. So at sixteen years old, I ran... I ran so far and for so long..."

When Rarity finally couldn't stop herself, she pulled me into a bone-jarring hug that by all rights should've had me writhing in pain; yet it didn't. It was uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as it ought to even with the painkillers. Surprisingly, I wasn't even freaking out over it. "Anon, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that," she murmured, stroking my mane. Honestly, it kinda felt nice. "Have you told anypony about this?"

I shook my head. "Not even Starlight." Come to think of it, why did I go and tell Rarity all of that? Why her, when I couldn't even bring myself to tell the mare I found myself looking up to like a big sister? "I'm not normally so loose-lipped about all of that." And yet, I do feel better for having finally told someone. "Who'd you say you got that tea from? Might have to get some for myself for those particularly bad days..."

She paused for a moment, as if struggling to think of the name. "A nice, albeit strange mare by the name of Tree Hugger."

Oh. For some reason, that had me giggling. Oh, I know exactly why I'm giggling. That tea was probably infused with a certain medicinal herb. A name like Tree Hugger? Yeah, totally sounds like a stoner. Well, this should be interesting. Never been high before...

~ 12 ~

I stayed with Rarity for a while longer... listening to her open up about not being a stranger to feeling trapped inside one's own head. Apparently I was right on the money, and she had been the second party possessed by that Nightmare creature. She never straight-up said it, but she definitely heavily implied that the incident was why she and AJ broke up, and why this whole thing was her fault. Honestly, though, I don't know how much of that was impaired thinking and how much of that was simply her being a drama queen.

Eventually, though, I convinced her to have a snack and take a nap because she clearly needed it—and totally not because she shouldn't operate a sewing machine while high. That said, she did have the cloak ready for me like I thought, and even helped me put it on before I left. It was everything I could've expected and then some. There was a clasp in the front that I was able to manipulate quite easily with hooves, and there were even some pockets on the inside that could probably carry bits or a small notebook—definitely smaller than my current magic book, though. The trim along the bottom hem and the ear-coverings were a shade of purple similar to the one in Flurry's mane. Made me wonder if I might not get mistaken for a bald Sweetie Belle from a distance, given that it reminded me of my classmate.

Still had no idea what to do, mind you. Twilight was off with her baby niece, and although I was definitely feeling much better and not anywhere near as sore, I still wasn't sure play was something I wanted to do. Then there was the fact that Starlight seemed to be spending the day with a friend who didn't often come to town; I didn't want to get in the middle of that. Although I was tempted to find Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, I've been told that they can really be hard to find on their off days. Besides, they'd probably freak out at how weird I might act.

Had I been a responsible adult, I might've even just stayed to keep Rarity company. Unfortunately, this world was often quick to remind me that I was a child by its standards. Plus, I don't think you're supposed to let high people babysit one another unless you want shenanigans. So what was a bored, somewhat impaired filly to do?

Oooh, hey! There's that pop-up art show that Princess Cadance and Shining Armour were going to! That would be fun to check out! If there's the possibility of staying at their castle, it might behoove me to get on their good side. It'd also pretty neat to see what kind of art a royal guardsman could produce. Probably some rather bawdy stuff, but I doubt they'd put anything too risqué in a café showing.

Thankfully, the café in Ponyville wasn't too far from Rarity's place. Really, it was just a short jaunt that probably should've taken me a bit longer; it definitely would have if I was feeling the pain of my burns. Definitely something in that tea... but if it helped numb the pain, I wasn't about to complain. I felt really good. Better than I had in forever.

When I reached the café, I noted that all of their tables seemed to be outside, and rather than going in through the main entrance, staff tending to the tables seemed to be going around back. I suppose even hosting an art show, they still need the profit from sales, or there'll be spoilage. I wasn't here for food and drink—even though that didn't sound like a bad idea—so I bypassed the tables and went into the café proper. Besides, there might be free catering in here for the guests.

Pony art was... honestly not what I expected. Not that I was even sure what I expected. It wasn't that it was bad, but it was certainly weird. I mean, his ideas seemed to be all over the place. There was a junk-sculpture that looked like he welded a bunch of shields together at random, but I didn't see any sort of nameplate. Then there was a painting on a wall near a garbage can, it was just a black canvas that was titled A Thousand Nights in a Hallway.

I actually had to squint a bit to make out the title card on that one, and that was after blinking repeatedly to moisten my dry eyes. Regret was beginning to tingle in the back of my mind as I remembered the instructions for the eye-drops. Should've brought them with me. Why didn't I bring them with me.

I was pretty sure I was starting to get a clearer picture of what the guy's schtick was, mind you; if I had to guess, he was really into expressing his experiences in the royal guard. Experimental, but could probably also be considered Avant-garde, or Expressionism. Hell, the guy even had life-like sculptures of Shining Armour, Princess Cadance and another pony—possibly another guard—gathered around a rug that seemed to be cordoned off. "Whoa, that's pretty sick crime-scene still-life," I said aloud. Although I'd never personally been to an art exhibition before, I had invited myself to a party or two where the homeowner was very willing to brag about their art collection. You pick up a thing or two when you gotta sound like you belong. Lemme tell you, if I had been an art thief, I could of easily gotten quite rich, but screw sticking around in an area long enough to build contacts. "Props to the artist; these are some really lifelike statues of Princess Cadance and Captain Shining Armour."

Nobody can prove that I shrieked like a little girl when the three figures turned their heads to regard me... Anyone who said I did was totally lying. I'm not that easily startled... except for that time with Rarity earlier, and that's more because memories and shit. I'm a big tough... filly who gets into fights with little boys and I just realised I have no idea where this thought's going.

"Flurry Heart?" Cadance almost sound hopeful when she said that, so I felt really guilty when I pulled back my hood. "Oh! Anon, that's a very lovely cloak..."

"Yeah, it reminded me of the time Flurry managed to get herself stuck in a pillowcase and convinced the maids the castle was haunted," Shining Armour added with a wistful smile. "I miss our little filly..."

Wow, they've been apart maybe part of the day, and they're already experiencing separation anxiety. They really need this day away. Especially with how exhausted they looked. I knew that look of exhaustion. I'd seen it on my mother's face plenty of times when my sisters were babies—it might even have been on my face some days when she needed an extended break. They need this day off, and they need their attention diverted...

"Wow, little dude," the other stallion—a reddish brown with the mark of three spear tips on his flank—commented, looking at the bandages that covered my neck and most of the top of my head. Presumably, this was the Spearhead who was running this little show. "You look like a refugee from a relief camp."

His eyes widened, although whether it was some strike of inspiration for a piece, or the realisation that he'd just said that out loud, to my face and in front of his two friends, I'd never know. I just snickered in spite of the burns. "If you think I look bad, you should've seen the other two guys," I replied, moving to stand beside Shining Armour. "Ain't that right, sir?"

That seemed to shake Shining and Cadance out of their stupor. "Oh! Right! Spearhead, this is Anonymous," Shining Armour said. "She's under the care of my sister, and if she wasn't studying magic, I'd recommend she join the guard when she came of age; not many fillies her age could take on two bullies, give as good as she got, and come out cracking jokes."

Cadance shook her head slightly. "Somepony would have to make sure to teach her what excessive force means," she commented, throwing my way a look that I couldn't quite decipher. "Some things, you just don't do to a pony." She ruffled her wings with a discomforted look. "Self-defense or not, what you did to that colt was dirty."

In that moment, I didn't feel enough guilt to feel any shame for what I did. So I shrugged and looked back to Spearhead. "Is this all of your art?" I asked, changing the topic. "Or do you have more that the store owner didn't want you putting up?"

He suddenly looked a bit nervous. "I mean, there is one painting I didn't put up because it's... not exactly appropriate," he answered. His eyes flicked over to a painting that was turned around, leaning up against a wall at the back of the café. "Not everypony appreciates the sort of effort that went into that. But you don't wanna see that old thing anyway. Did you see the Thousand Nights in a Hallway?"

Oooh, so it is a saucy picture. Is it wrong that I really wanted to see what the horses consider forbidden? With a chuckle, I darted over with surprising speed. Before anybody could stop me, I reached out a hoof and spun it around. I had to blink a couple of times before I was actually sure of what I was seeing. When I was sure, I felt my cheeks flush.

"I can see why you would be reluctant to display this," I commented, unable to restrain a giggle. The painting was a watercolour of the Sun Horse, lying on her back atop a cloud, looking whoever viewed it with her affectionate pink eyes. Due to the angle of the painting's perspective, her belly and teats in full view. "I imagine erotic art of Princess Celestia isn't something a lot of ponies are brave enough to make. Nothing to be ashamed of though; she is quite beautiful." ...if a bit corpulent. "She might even be flattered."

A strange thought crossed my mind as the others gaped at me. When did I develop any sort of basis for beauty among ponies? For that matter, what was with the weird feeling I was getting in my belly? With this body as new to me as it is, I couldn't even begin to understand everything about it.

"Is there something on my face?" I asked, blinking and trying to bring Cadance into focus. "Um...?" Turning the painting back around before any of the other guests took notice, I decided maybe another change of topic was due. "Oh! Since you're on your own today, you two should treat yourselves to some R & R; I hear the spa here in town is pretty awesome!"

"Anon, are you alright?" she asked, putting herself between me and the door. "You're acting very strange, and it seems like your eyes are bothering you." As she drew closer, her eyes widened, which only seemed to quicken her pace. "Your eyes are all red!"

Shit... I think I'm about to get busted. My eyes flicked between Cadance, Shining Armour, and Spearhead. If Cadance forgot about her horn and I moved before the other two could react, I could probably make it to the door. Then again, even if I did run, what would that accomplish? Some Scooby Doo shit? Make them even more suspicious. Quick, Brain! Think of a lie.

"I forgot my eyedrops at home, and I might be the teensiest bit under the influence right now," I babbled, tittering as I went. No, that's the opposite of lying! What are you doing? "To be fair, I don't think Rarity even knew that tea was infused, 'cause she seems kinda straight-laced, y'know?" Okay, brain, fuck it. You can take this from here. I'm checking out. "Say, is there any catering here? I'm kinda have the munchies but Twi'n'I have never ironed out any sort of plan for an allowance or stipend or anything."