Diaries of the Anonymous Filly

After I spoke, there was a long drawn-out silence. I didn't quite have the guts to dig into my meal while she was staring at me, so instead fished out my notebook, the pencil, and the clay, and smoothed out two balls for the ice and water spells. With a sigh, she broke her gaze from me to regard Celestia. "I have so many questions," she said in a flat tone. There was a maelstrom of different emotions filling the room, and it was hard not to sense them: fear, grief, anger, and—sadly—hope. Worse, her voice came off as so very, very familiar. In fact, it was the same one I'd heard during that episode I'd had in the gymnasium yesterday morning.

"We'd be happy to answer whatever questions you might have," Celestia said, turning to regard me as I started reproducing my notes in the clay. "Isn't that right Anon?"

I nodded, quickly finishing the water conjuration and glancing at the empty pitcher on the table. "That's right," I agreed. Placing my left palm over the wad of clay, I pumped out some magic while focusing on the bottom of the pitcher. Slowly, water began to fill the container, rising up from the bottom like a spring-fed pond. Once it was almost completely full, I cut off the spell. "That said, let's start with the obvious," I added, raising that same hand to tap my pony ear. "I'm not native to this reality, and as such have access to some abilities that nobody in this world has had access to for a very long time."

Emerald stared at the pitcher, ripe with shock and awe. "You're not my daughter then," she whispered as she watched me pull over the three glasses from beside the pitcher. Her shock was momentarily replaced by confusion, until a ball of the purest looking ice you'd ever seen coalesced above my hand, just the right size to drop into one of the glasses. When I added an ice ball to the other two, she worked up the courage to ask, "Who or what are you, really?"

Quite the question to start out with. I stood up, carrying the three glasses back over to the pitcher as I pondered my answer. As I filled the glasses, I glanced over at Celestia, who only shrugged. "At this point, I suppose that Traveller could be an apt title that could be applied to me," I said, sliding a filled glass over to Celestia, and then the other to Emerald. "I didn't plan on it, but this is the third reality that I've been to."

Grabbing my own glass, I took a sip before returning to my seat. Damn, that's some of the purest water I've ever had. "I—well, at this point, I'm pretty sure that I died after a car accident in the reality I was born in," I said, chugging down my water before opening the bottle of cider and pouring half over the ice. "I was offered a second chance to live in the world I found myself in. I was granted a new body, and found something worth living for in that world. It's a beautiful world of magic and colourful ponies of all different types. Then, just like that, I was sent by a living force to deal with a problem involving a citizen of that world who chose to live here."

She eyed me with suspicion as I popped a fry into my mouth. That suspicion only increased as I casually grabbed the burger and took a careful bite. "Why do you look exactly like my daughter, though?" her voice was trembling, a mix of sadness and anger rolling off of her. "Surely if you can do magic, you could look like anyone, right? Why my baby girl?"

With a sigh, I focused stilling my magic. Slowly, I felt my ears return to the sides of my head in their human shape. "The portal I came through doesn't let you pick your appearance," I explained, setting my burger down. Now I imagined we really did look like mother and daughter. "It just... translates us, for lack of a better term; without circulating my magic, this is how I look." Sipping at my drink, I glanced down at the table. "My new home... Equestria, is something of a parallel world to this one. Celestia, Luna, and a good number of all of the students I've encountered since coming here? These are all ponies I've met or seen on the other side. That I look like your daughter... I think it's because my body on the other side may have belonged to the Emerald Flicker of that world."

A slam shook the hardwood table as Emerald Breeze stood up, her palms flat on the table. "What the hell is that supposed to mean!?" she shouted. "Are you saying you're some sort of body-snatcher?"

I cringed away from her, but surprisingly, Principal Celestia stood up and made her way between us. "Breeze, let her speak," she said in a soft, but firm voice. "After all the help she's done helping prove Sunset Shimmer's innocence in this Anon-a-Miss business, I think you should at least give her a chance to explain."

As soon as Sunset's name came up, there was a marked change in Miss Breeze's demeanour. The anger died down to the warmth of a cooling cook-top. There was plenty of sadness still remaining, but something else was coming to the surface: a sense of... gratitude? But why's that? Most people here seemed to either hate Sunset outright because of Anon-a-Miss or have a distrust of her for her troubled past.

"To tell the truth, I don't know if or why I'm Emerald Flicker, ma'am," I answered honestly. It felt wrong to not have my magic cycling, to not have my ears atop my head, so I kicked it back into gear. Not long after, I felt the familiar sensation of them flicking and rotating to catch noises. "Even before coming here, I've gotten occasional... flashes of what might be memories... Memories of a runaway filly who lost her mother to domestic violence, who'd been through so much that she'd given up on life at the age of six..." Meeting her eyes, I continued. "Memories of a filly in an athletics program wondering why she doesn't have her special talent if she's so good at running. I don't know if that's the result of my own loss coming into conflict with my new nature as a pony... or if they're my own repressed memories."

My hands began to tremble, and in spite of myself, I could feel the tears starting to spill down my cheeks. "For all I know, I could've undergone reincarnation, only to regain memories of my previous life at the age of eight—yeah, that's how old I am as a pony—or if Harmony simply crammed my soul into an empty vessel, complete with lingering memories," I croaked. My throat was so sore, and even the now ice-cold cider did nothing to soothe it. "It's so easy to recognise you as the mare from those flashes. You have the same voice that she did, and even at birth, Emerald Flicker was the spitting image of that pegasus. I see my own reflection in you, and it's hard not to remember that poor filly in the ravine begging Harmony for the pain to stop, and to see her mommy again..."

I removed my glasses and started pawing at my eyes. Breathe Em—Anon... You're having a panic attack, I told myself as I tried to reign in my breathing. It wasn't the same without the enchanted stuffed animal, though. I should've brought my possum.

Luckily, Celestia was more than willing to step in as she returned to her seat. "I think we're getting a bit distracted," she said casually redirecting. "You're probably also wondering why a being from another world was sent to... intervene in this Anon-a-Miss affair at all." Even without my glasses, I could make out the quiet nod from Breeze in my peripheral vision. "Simply put, the reason Anon's here is because the Sunset you know is a native of her world, rather than ours."

That elicited some surprise from the aggrieved mother, but she let Celestia continue. Everything the woman knew about Sunset's backstory, she relayed. From the fact that Sunset was a runaway, to the fact that she lived alone in a small apartment in a shady part of town—something that she'd apparently only recently confided in her. She didn't even skip Sunset becoming a bully, her return to Equestria and subsequent theft of a powerful magical artefact, and turning into a literal she-demon at the Fall Formal.

While Celestia spoke, I took the time to compose myself. It wasn't that hard to get my breath under control, but it was a bit harder to get out of the panic spiral. If I really was Equestria's Emerald Flicker, and had merely spent two years in a magical coma while my personality and memories from a previous life reasserted themselves, where had I been for the past two years—assuming that timeline was even continuous. Probably the biggest concern I had was that Emerald's step-father might find out that she's still 'alive' and try to take me away, back to whatever torment he put her through before. At least I had the food and fizzy drink to comfort me.

As Celestia spoke, though, I could feel Emerald Breeze's shock transform into confusion. "That doesn't sound anything like the Sunset I remember," she argued, causing my ears to perk up. "Sure, she was a little rough around the edges and a had a lot of weird mannerisms, but she was always willing to help my Flicker out after the accident."

As I put my glasses back on, I shot a glance with a raised eyebrow in Celestia's direction. This goes against everything that I've been told about Sunset in the past. She seemed every bit as caught off guard by this statement. "Sunset was one of the only ones who didn't treat my little girl any differently after the accident," she explained. "Everybody else treated her like she was going to break if they treated her like normal, but Sunset Shimmer didn't. Even after Emerald passed, she regularly stopped by to see how I was doing—up until a few weeks ago."

That. at least, confirmed one of my suspicions in part. Something had happened to her, and it was likely that she was informed she'd never be able to run again. I still didn't know how Sunset fit into that, however. At that point in time, she should've been cocksure and self-serving. Although it'd make sense that she might support someone to make her look good, that didn't really fit either... especially checking in with Ms. Breeze after Emerald Flicker passed. Then there's what Wallflower said about Sunset never targeted people for the sex, age, identity or religion, even if it made them easy targets. I could imagine her being the same with grief and disability.

"If you don't mind me asking," I queried after I finished my burger. The woman looked sad, but somehow she seemed more relaxed than when I'd entered. "What was the accident?"

Emerald Breeze sipped at the water I'd provided, before looking up at the ceiling. There were tears in her eyes, and I imagined it was something painful for her to remember. "Not long after the start of her seventh grade year, Emerald earned a hard-won spot on the middle-school track team, and we were out celebrating," she reminisced, turning her gaze back down to stare into her glass. Her fingertip slowly traced the rim as she continued. "She spotted one of her classmates up ahead of us stepping out into the crosswalk while the traffic still had the right of way." To my surprise, she actually smiled. She's telling me something super traumatic, but she's smiling... because she's proud. "She didn't even stop to think of herself; she just saw the oncoming car, sprinted ahead, and pushed the girl clear."

I knew immediately what happened next. "She took the hit in place of the other girl, didn't she?" I offered, earning a sad nod from Ms. Breeze. Celestia brought her hands up to cover her mouth as she likely came to the same conclusion I had. "She saved Sunset Shimmer at the cost of her own ability to run."

That's why Sunset acted so 'out-of-character' at that point in time, I realised, chewing on my lip to resist sighing. It had to have been just after she arrived here, still smarting from Princess Celestia taking away from her what she thought was her destiny. Then a relative stranger goes and saves her life, at the cost of what Sunset might perceive as the girl's own destiny. Even people with narcissistic tendencies can have a weak-spot, and for her, it was a kindred spirit... or guilt. Hell, she might not have been totally bad at that point in time. The loss of such a friend could totally have jaded Sunset, though.

No wonder Sunset didn't want to talk about Emerald. She probably befriended the girl, only for her to then go and kill herself... I knew what that was like—how guilty she must've felt for not 'recognising the signs'. It was the same thing with Keith. I never even suspected he felt that way. He was there one day, and then the next I found him dead in his bunk, his wrist slashed. It was probably the most traumatic thing I'd experienced next to losing my mother. I could only imagine how that might've jaded or scarred a girl from another world who'd made a friend despite her prickly nature.

"Mmmhmm," was Emerald Breeze's only response. For a long while she just seemed to stare at me with an appraising eye. "I still sometimes wonder what she'd be like if she were still alive today," she said in a wistful tone. "I think if she'd found the same passion you seem to have, you might be a lot more similar. You're so much more confident, and seem surprisingly well-adjusted."

It was probably rude of me, but I was unable to surpress a snort as I shook my head. "That's hardly true," I murmured. My eyes darted to the door behind her—more specifically, to the window in it. There was Rainbow Dash and Spitfire, but they held a struggling Lightning Dust between them. Celestia had seen it too, and quickly excused herself.

"I've a long way to go before I'm anywhere close to well-adjusted. I hide it well, but I'm a pretty anxious person. I still flinch when ponies—when people—touch me unexpectedly." I gave her a sad smile now that we were alone. "If not for the fact that I'm capable of lucid dreaming and locking myself in a peaceful void each night, I'd still have nightmares about what my donor did to my mother... every single night..."

She physically recoiled at the sheer vitriolic edge my voice assumed towards the end. "We all have our traumas," she agreed in a soft voice. Despite the shock I'd given her, she smiled too. "At least you seem to be able to live in spite them—finding ways to live with or around them—rather than let them define or break you. I'm glad."

I don't know why, but hearing that made me feel all warm and happy deep down. She's not my Mom, so such a praise shouldn't have any effect on me. It also left me feeling kinda regular-warm, so it was probably a good idea to take off my cloak. After all, there's no point in getting myself sick, and I can just put that track jacket on if I start to get cold again.

When I brought my hands up to open the neck-clasp, the knuckles on my left hand grazed something sticking out off one of the interior pockets that I didn't typically use. To my surprise, it was a folded photograph. As my cloak fell away and I took a closer look at it, I was surprised to see Twilight's crisp penmanship. Ninety-four, seven, one-oh-oh-three H.E. I was somewhat confused, because I could've sworn there hadn't been anything in that pocket before I entered the portal... Unless Twilight pulled a sleight of hoof when we were getting ready...

Opening it, I saw Twilight, Starlight, Spike, and myself—my comfort plush poking out of my mane, where I frequently carried it these days—relaxing together under one of Applejack's trees. Although I was nestled into Starlight's side, both of our cutie-marks were completely visible. It was kinda surprising that the image wasn't altered at all by the portal. I remember that day... Got my hooves on more of that tea, and ended up being all cuddly, which didn't really help when we ended up being asked to help on the farm. God, Aunt Twilight wasn't amused.

Curiosity radiated off of her as she caught my smile., she asked, "What do you have there?"

I slid it across the table. "It's my adoptive family," I explained. "Twilight Sparkle's the pony with the wings and the horn, while Starlight Glimmer is the unicorn that the little green filly is snuggled up to—"

"Are they your Moms?" she interjected. She was full of awe, but there wasn't any sort of teasing in her voice. She really is a good person... Doesn't even bat an eye at the idea of horse lesbians, even if I don't think Twi and Starlight are an item. "They're very pretty."

I shook my head. "While Auntie Twilight is my legal guardian, I'm not ready to call her Mom just yet," I replied, pouring more of the carbonated cider into my cup. "As for Starlight... she's pretty much everything I could want in an unofficial big sister; she's super nice and just as knowledgeable about magic as Twilight."

Standing up with my drink, I moved to stand over her. Without missing a beat, I pointed to Spike. "That's Spike. He's a baby dragon that Twilight hatched when she was just a filly. Even though he's a young teen by our standards, he's still young for his kind." I continued, sitting down in a closer chair. "Doesn't stop him from being a really good cook, though. Starlight's learning, but apparently Twi's a bit of a disaster in the kitchen..."

I shrugged and looked at my hand, taking in the lack of calluses I used to have. "Me? I'm only really good with forage and campfire cooking. Want a non-sapient animal field-dressed and quartered, and I'm your girl," I said with a sigh. "One of the only useful things he taught me, and it's pretty damn useless in Equestria because the magic in our country gives pretty much everything some degree of intelligence."

She leaned closer with interest. It might have just been because I had her daughter's voice and hearing me speak was cathartic for her, but I didn't really mind. Talking to her felt relaxing too. It didn't surprise me when she asked, "Can you tell me more about yourself?"

So that's what I did. For what felt like an eternity, I told her about my old life—leaving out select things like how exactly I supported myself, of course—from the murder of my mother and the difficult choice to leave my sisters behind, to my journey around the world. Sure, it started out as me just running away from my problems, but in truth I enjoyed being on the move. Seeing new places and people, never knowing what might come next... it was thrilling. A shame it all came to an end when I got into the accident in Germany.

Funny enough, when I told her that Celestia and Luna were deified princesses and the leaders of an entire nation, she nearly choked on her water. Still, she was quite interested when I mentioned special talents and cutie marks—I pointed out the mark on my flank in my picture, and explaining what it meant for me—but I caught a wistful look from her. After a moment, she admitted that Emerald Flicker never really found anything beyond running that she was passionate about, and was surprised that I didn't have a mark for running. There was no purpose in pointing out that I wasn't her Emerald; she knew I wasn't her.

Still, I found myself wondering if she wouldn't have found a passion for programming if she tried. From everything I'd ever heard, programming was creating a set of instructions to tell a computer what to do, which didn't seem all that different from what I did with runes and magic. Then again, if she had a reputation as an athlete, she might have—like Rainbow Dash—scoffed at the idea of doing nerd stuff. Still, if my situation and opportunities had been different, that could've been me.

I managed to lighten the mood by explaining how I ended up going from being in Celestia's care to being in Twilight's. Apparently this world had an analogue to Jim Davis' Garfield, because between fits of giggles, she told me that Princess Celestia apparently Nermal'd me by sending me to Ponyville for eating that cake. I wonder if Ponyville is basically the Abu Dhabi of Equestria? You know, the punchline for that recurring joke?

I continued on with my story, not quite able to withhold my own laughter. I told her of Twilight's idea to send me to school with foals my own physical age to help socialise me better. I admitted that it felt a bit weird going from being a grown-ass adult to going to class and hanging out with children no older than ten, but I wasn't about to make light of this second childhood I'd been granted. I even told her about the three friends I'd made—and how I'd been scarred in the process—and how I was looking forward to seeing how fast I could run when I got back. I bet Scootaloo would be all over racing.

Sadly, the lightheartedness didn't stick around. I couldn't deny that my first month in Ponyville wasn't all sunshine and roses. After all, a villain from Twilight's past had started luring me, tampering with my memory, before ultimately foalnapping me in a poorly thought out scheme to get back at my big sis and auntie for ruining her life. The fact that I fundamentally altered a being's entire existence—self defence or not—still weighed on my mind. Am I any better than a villain, or the living force that did this to me?

Eventually, that led back to why I had come here: to help clear Sunset's name. Even if the map hadn't specifically chosen me, I think I'd have come regardless. I knew how helpless losing a friend to suicide made one feel, not knowing just how badly they were hurting and feeling like I could have done something had I just seen the signs. It wasn't something I wanted Twilight, Spike, or Princess Celestia to feel if I could help it.

Glancing down at the watch around her wrist, she sighed. "You're a good person, Anon," she murmured, moving to pass the photograph back to me. I just shook my head, held up a hand and gave her a kind smile. Twilight might get mad that I gave away one of her photos, but it feels like the right thing to do. Tears began to spill down her cheeks when held it to her chest. "Even if you're not my Emerald, I'm happy that at least some iteration of her out there is able to find happiness and live her best life. I'm glad to have met you." Standing up, she slid the picture into her pocket. "I hope Sunset will come back, but if she doesn't, could you let her know I'm thankful for all she did for my daughter... and for me."

I nodded, but before she could turn around, I spread my arms and gestured her to come closer. She got the message, and I pulled her into a quick hug. "I'm sorry that you had to go through any of this; losing your daughter, then me existing and inadvertently rubbing salt in the wound..." I said, resting the side of my head on her chest. I almost winced when she brought a hand up to gently stroke the top of my head and inadvertently scratching at my ears. "I'll let her know." Releasing her, I stepped back and bowed my head. "Goodbye, and take care of yourself, Ms. Breeze."

At that, I watched her open the door and leave. She stopped to bid Raven a good day, and then she was gone. The moment she was out of sight, I went back to the seat with the remnants of my lunch. I didn't even bother finishing it off. I just pushed it aside, and set my head down on my folded arms while releasing a drawn-out breath. All of the tension I'd built up left my body.

I sat there for a while, just relaxing. There wasn't going to be a nap; as much as I would've enjoyed it, there was still too much to do. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and the others might've found a lead, or somehow caught Anon-a-Miss themselves. After all, I'd been in here at least an hour now, and the day was more than half over. If they hadn't found anything, I might have to go check the social media for any sort of clues.

Then there was the matter of what I just experienced. My thoughts on the matter felt so disorganised and at odds. It felt like I had just been speaking with my own mother. That definitely wasn't her, and intellectually, I knew it. She seemed to, as well. I don't belong here; I belong with Starlight and Twilight, so why do I kinda want to stay here?

Then there was the matter of Sunset. Emerald Breeze seemed like reason enough to encourage Sunset to come back, but that was probably my brain playing fuck and causing bias. The real problem here was that this world could represent a lot of pain for her now. Can she even bring herself to forgive the others—to entrust them with her emotional well-being again? For all I knew, she might even have reconciled with Princess Celestia while I've been here, clearing her name.

Let's pretend she does come back, I mused, propping my cheek up on one hand as I caught sight of the alicorn's doppelganger now in the main office, discussing something with Ms. Inkwell. Would she want to help this world recover magic? Could she do for this world what Twilight does, and spread magic and friendship where she goes? Or would she distrust that otherworldly force?

"Well, I don't think she's about to sue," I murmured tiredly as Principal Celestia stepped back into the meeting room. "I feel a bit guilty, though. Not just because Anon-a-Miss got her involved by using my name and people sharing videos of me, but because... I'm kinda glad that I met her. I never got to properly say goodbye to my own Mom, so in its own way this is pretty cathartic."

In a really roundabout way, I was kind-of granting the wish little Emerald Flicker had begged of Harmony, but I didn't voice that part to Celestia. It was the wrong Flicker and wrong Breeze, but two living beings got to meet when neither expected to ever see the other alive again... assuming Emerald Flicker was along for the ride with me after all. That was, again, assuming that I wasn't really Emerald, having repressed my memories when I lost the will to live, only for Harmony to restore memories of my previous life.

Fuck, that makes my head hurt.

"I know this wasn't easy for either of you," Celestia said, sounding profoundly tired, but still radiating gratitude. "I'm glad that you met with her too." She managed a weak smile as I looked up at her. "I suspect your time with us is almost over," she added, setting a slip of paper down in front of me. "Rainbow Dash said she and the others had a lead, and they wanted you to join them at Donut Joe's after school. She wrote down all the details when she and Spitfire turned in Lightning Dust."

I nodded, picking up the slip. "What was that about, anyways?"

Emerald Anon
Anon-a-Miss messaged me, Rarity, and AJ at lunch. They wanna meet us at Donut Joe's before they turn themselves in, but they wanted you to be there too. We're all riding over in Rarity's car after classes end, so meet us in the back parking lot. Might be a trap, so may as well be ready with your magic.
Rainbow Dash

"Oh, that?" she replied. "Lightning Dust accidentally let slip to Spitfire that she was the one that left you unconscious in the hallway. The rest of the Wondercolts Soccer Team had to help the two drag her here. Naturally, we've immediately suspended her until after New Year's—" At my look of indignance, her smile broadened. "—for violating the CHS Social media and hateful conduct policies. A number of students have already received this punishment for hateful comments made during this debacle, but we are reserving all potential expulsion-related hearings, such as hers, until after the holidays. Suffice to say, she'll not be starting the next semester."

Fucking troll.