Diaries of the Anonymous Filly

I deeply regretted waking up. The moment I tried opening my eyes, it was like I'd been stabbed, and my head was killing me. My mouth wasn't much better, because was super dry and tasted like ass. Let's see... headache, photosensitivity, dry mouth? I'm fuckin' hungover!

I also wasn't in my room on my pillow pile. For one, whatever I was draped across was warm, firm, and kinda bony. There was also the matter of the room being way too huge to be my assigned quarters in the castle. The ceiling was twice, if not three times as high in here.

What do I remember about last night. There was the time in the afternoon that I was at the shooting range, blowing off steam, and then Natural Talent came with a messenger saying I was requested to meet with Cadance. That was a ruse though; it was Blueblood all along. We chatted, and I helped him make plans regarding the human world, and then... it's a blank after he revealed himself to be one of the best actors in Equestria.

There was the sound of a large door opening, and then voices that made my head hurt even more. "I'm really worried, Princess," thundered Twilight's voice. "The last time Anon up and disappeared, we ended up with a transformed changeling queen on our hooves. There's no telling what she could get up to with him."

"Twilight, I've seen the headlines too, but I don't think she's in any danger," came Celestia's voice, just as paradoxically soft and thunderous. There was a bright flash that stabbed through my eyelids, and the sound of a camera, followed by amused giggling. "In fact, I think we've found our wayward pair."

My entire body felt like it was suddenly on a merry-go-round at a fairground as I found myself floating through the air. "Anon!" Twilight cried as I found myself wrapped in her embrace. "Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?"

When I slowly cracked my eye open to look around, I found that I was still wearing my back-up glasses, and we were all in Celestia's throne room. Still draped across the throne itself, with what looked to be Princess Luna's crown atop his head, was Prince Blueblood. There was a wine bottle, as well as a few aluminium cans bearing English writing on them, proclaiming them to be energy drinks. Beside the throne, there also appeared to be a very large bag of bits, and a tiny black box with a button and an antenna.

"Probably more than I can remember, given I'm not even sure what day it is," I mumbled. A flash of something in my mind told me to reach into my sling and take out an ornate silver flask. Engraved on it was Property of Prince Blueblood. "My head's killing me; do you mind heating this up?"

Twilight set me down upon the red carpet and glared. "Your response to being hung-over is to drink more?"

"Ugh, can you turn it down?" That was Blueblood, surprisingly. "And the flask is broccoli cheddar soup; I always bring something rich in electrolytes when drinking."

It took a few moments of giving her a pleading stare, but she eventually gave in. After hitting the flask with a heating cantrip, she took off the lid, and poured some into my mouth, before levitating it over to the prince, who straight-up downed the entire thing. Meanwhile, Celestia seemed to just be standing off to the side reading a newspaper.

Eventually, the tall alicorn looked to me with an arched eyebrow and asked, "Is that my spare crown?"

I reached up, and seized a small gold crown with an inlaid ruby, and held it before me, dislodging a cardboard cone that matched my coat colour to a tee. "I wish I had an explanation for this, your highness," I apologised, passing it over to her. I watched as she hit it with a spell and it suddenly matched the size of the crown that she was wearing. "Last thing I remember is my meeting with him."

Celestia levitated over the newspaper, while Twilight fussed over me with some sort of scanning spell. "This might fill in some of the gaps, but the press lost you both at the train station at some point yesterday afternoon," Once Twilight finished her spell, she shook her head at Celestia. Although they both sighed in relief, it didn't stop Twilight from glaring at Prince Blueblood. Wait, does she think I fucked him or something?

While the three royals broke into an argument, I looked at the headline on the newspaper. 'Prince of Equestria and Mystery Dwarf go on Epic Bender' it proclaimed, a picture of Prince Blueblood and myself—horse Ray-bans on my face, a fake horn, and a rather real looking moustache to hide my identity—at what appeared to be a strip club. According to the article, it was a place called the Prancing Pegasus in Canterlot's Cloud District, where we were apparently somewhat rowdy, quoted to be arguing over which stripper was prettier.

After that, we were reported hit up one of the richest casinos in the city. There was a photo of me at a blackjack table with what appeared to be a margarita, a plate of hay fries, and a massive stack of bits. Blueblood looked gobsmacked, the dealer looked uncomfortable, and there was a pit boss in the background who looked like he was ready to tear out her mane. I reportedly won so much that evening that the casino kicked me out. Since they couldn't prove that I was cheating, Blueblood threatened to get their license reviewed. I probably wasn't banned, but at the same time I probably wasn't welcome for a long time. At least I know where the huge bag of bits came from now.

An attempt to hit a different casino was met with us being refused entry, so instead the press followed us to a huge party hosted by Fancy Pants. We apparently stayed, danced, and generally made nuisances of ourselves there until dawn. There was a picture of me dancing with a rather amused looking Fleur de Lis, while Blueblood cheered and Fancy Pants tried to hide his face in his hooves. The funny thing was that apparently I was better at standing on my hind legs while drunk, because I looked to be doing the robot while my cardboard horn sat crooked on my forehead.

After that, we pretty much wandered the city, checking out museums, bars, and restaurants. Apparently the entire day was just one prolonged drunken ramble about the city that only ever stopped to top up on energy or keep us drunk. Then, just like Princess Celestia said, the press lost us when we hopped on a train to Ponyville in the afternoon.

I had a pretty good idea of where the two of us went next, based on the energy drink cans. If I had to guess, I took him on a trip to the human world for some reason, loaded up on energy drinks and fuck knows what else with our casino winnings, and then came back at some point in the night, at which point we stole some crowns and broke into the throne room.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Anon?" both Twilight and Celestia asked in synch.

"That I actually hate blackjack," I commented, looking back at the picture of me at the casino. "Funny thing, really. Half the fun of cards is reading other people and making them do what you want, and that's not an aspect of blackjack. System's too rigid, and once you know how it works, it's not hard to turn a profit. Admittedly, it helps if you can count cards—which I can't—but even without that ability, it isn't too hard to learn."

Evidently, that was the wrong answer. The newspaper I was looking at was folded and rolled up in Twilight's magic so fast that I was seeing stars even before she swatted me off the head. "Anon, this is serious!" she yelled, agitating my hangover and leaving me to massage my temple. "Fillies your age should not be going on drunken benders."

"Ow, what do you want me to say?" I muttered, reaching my left hoof into my sling to see if I had any receipts from the other world. Six-Twelve, TechHaus, a scrap yard... "I'm not going to apologise for making peace and friends with Prince Blueblood, or having some honest-to-goodness fun. No, he probably shouldn't have offered me some whiskey, and I damn-well knew better than to accept, but aside from the hangover, I haven't felt this stress-free since before Anon-a-Miss!"

Why in the fuck did we go buy an airbag from a scrap yard? I wondered, staring at the scrap-yard receipt. The last time I'd even thought about airbags was the time me and a bunch of drunk dudes put an airbag in a microwave at a party, and the host nearly got decapitated by the door. What could... Oh. I read over the receipt from the tech shop and cringed.

'If you can believe it, Auntie Celestia loves to play pranks, but I've still never gotten one over on her.' I remembered him saying on the express train to Ponyville. 'Just once, I'd like to have the last laugh.'

My eyes flicked over to Celestia, who was examining the remote. She looked over at me, and then over at Blueblood, who looked to have gone back to sleep after draining the flask of soup. A grin split her face, even as I started to shake my head, glancing at the cushion beneath the prince. Ohnonono. Twilight simply looked on in confusion at the wordless exchange between me and the Sun horse, who was now nodding excitedly with an almost manic expression of glee.

She held the remote before her, and with the tip of her hoof, she pressed the button. We both stared at the throne and Prince Blueblood for several seconds as we waited for something to happen. When, after thirty seconds, nothing happened, I started to heave a sigh of relief. And then...

FOOM!

The airbag beneath the cushion deployed, expanding rapidly and sending Prince Blueblood hurtling through the air. "Curse you, Auntie!" he cried out as he soared across the throne room and out the doors. "Mark my words, I shall prank you eventually!"

Twilight stared at me in disbelief. Celestia cackled like a madwoman. The guards in the hallway were peeking in the door with a mixed look of fear and amusement. Me? I just covered my face and quietly muttered, "How is this my life?"