Diaries of the Anonymous Filly

Even though I'd apparently been bathed while unconscious, I didn't object to a trip to the baths before dinner. I even knew that, on an intellectual level, that everything I'd experienced and the lingering cold I felt in my chitin wasn't real, the parts of my brain still waking up, or those responsible for fear, insisted I'd just come inside after being in the cold for so, so long. Also, the longer I remained in my 'natural' form, the more my brain insisted there was something stuck either in my elytra or to my wings.

That said, I wasn't fully confident that transforming myself would clean those surfaces, as it had when I'd reapplied my alicorn disguise to clear the overflown emotion ichor. If it was something like debris trapped within it, might even be painfully ejected. For that reason, I'd be visiting the baths in my 'new normal' form. Twilight was more than happy to accompany me, since she still needed to get cleaned up before dinner. To be fair, her mane looked like it could definitely use a quick wash and brushing.

I can only imagine how mine must look.

Her presence was also greatly appreciated. Although I'd been assured that I wouldn't be accosted for the blackness of my shell, I still felt the eyes of others on me as I went, as well as their disgust, fear, or outright hate. I couldn't exactly blame them for that. Many ponies here likely hadn't gotten over the invasion Chrysalis subjected the ponies of Canterlot to. Just because Chrysalis and the other bugs were now 'reformed', it didn't mean the sight of a little bug filly trotting through the halls alongside a princess didn't dredge up bad memories.

Still, nobody was stupid enough to say anything while we went to the palatial baths... With my confidence and self-worth ruined by those months of abuse... No, that was a nightmare, and nothing more, I reminded myself as I tried to shake that thought from my mind. Though the day has come that my courage has collapsed, Twilight's trying to show that my friends haven't turned and left me behind.

I couldn't deny that I might freeze up if someone said anything, though. Every time I thought of confrontation, even verbal, my mind couldn't stop showing me those faces—the seven hapless idiots whose only guilt was associating with Raging Storm, and the two Storm Guards that were just 'following orders'. I know I have more sense than to overreact and kill someone just because they would attack me verbally, so why? My eyes grew misty, and I found myself walking so close beside Twilight that my side bumped her leg. Am I that scared that I might lose control, now that I've seen exactly what the darkest parts of me are capable of? My eyes darted around as we went. Am I scared that the memory of what I've done will prevent me from acting?

There may or may not have also this little worm of concern that occasionally poked its way up out of the wreck that was my emotional state. I couldn't shake this queer feeling that someone was gonna come for me. It could be a family member or comrade of one of the ones I'd killed, or someone with a vendetta against changelings, or maybe even one of the reformed changelings themselves seeing me as a threat to be eliminated. It didn't make any sense, and I knew it; even if I was going to be punished for my actions, attacking me here in the castle was stupid.

The worst part was that you didn't even need to be an empath to know that I was wound way too tight. I could see Twilight giving me the odd sidelong glance from time to time as we walked. She was radiating concern, and there were even hints of regret. Hell, when a random cleaner was startled by my appearance so badly that they knocked over a vase, she paused as I began hyperventilating, and draped a protective wing across my withers. She was even patient enough to wait for me to calm down again.

As far as I could tell, the baths were deserted, seeing as I couldn't feel any emotional presences. That said, there was something unusual in the air, a kind of smell that I couldn't place. I'd caught hints of it off Twilight and Spike back in the room I'd been placed, but I'd had bigger concerns at the time. Like, it didn't smell bad so I didn't really say anything, but it made something in my brain prickle—some scrambled bit of information from Hunger, no doubt. In here, though, the smell was everywhere—practically clinging to the steam that partially fogged up the air.

"Bleh, someone put on too much cologne before they left," I muttered with an exaggerated cough. "The hell is that scent supposed to be, though?"

Twilight looked at me in confusion as she sniffed at the air before shutting the door behind us. "I don't really smell anything," she responded. "It's possible changeling noses are able to pick up on scents that ponies can't, though."

Shrugging, I trotted over to one of the shower nooks while Twilight grabbed a few towels. Before turning the water on, or detaching the shower-head, though, I fanned out my elytra and spread my glossy membranous wings. There were flecks of something closer to the tips, I saw as I turned my head, but whatever was stuck to my wings seemed to be mostly closer to the bases, which were obscured by the protective outer shell.

"Hey, Aunt Twilight?" I called out, turning the water valve, and then the temperature knob down to a more reasonable temperature. Then I switched the detachable head over to the lowest pressure setting. "Could you look and see what's on my wings, and maybe see if it isn't also on the inside of my elytra?"

When she joined me at the nook, she nearly dropped the towels in alarm. "Oh," she murmured. Suddenly, the shower-head was wrapped up in her magic, levitating around to angle at my back. "Here, let me get that."

Not gonna lie, but the feeling of water on my wings? Super weird. It's not exactly unpleasant, but it's really, really different. I just looked down at the drain beneath my hooves, and I understood why she was alarmed. There were streaks of reddish brown washing off of my wings and the inside of my elytra. I felt a little twinge of guilt as she made extra sure to get all of it. "How did that even get there?" I asked with a sigh as she transitioned the water up to my mane. As soon as the water cascaded up my neck and soaking my mane, I buzzed my wings until all water droplets had been either flicked off, or blown off the inside of the protective shell. Once they were safely stored away and protected from any soaps, she dropped some shampoo into my mane and rubbed it in. "How much trouble am I in?"

She seemed surprised by the question. "Anon, what are you...?"

I didn't lookup at her, but my ears folded back. I had to resist the urge to lean into the rubbing. Even though her hooves felt really nice, it wasn't something I felt I deserved at that moment. "Twilight, I killed nineteen creatures when I went on that rampage," I said in a trembling voice. "It's not some clear cut justifiable defence of self or others like with the airship crew or the two that bastard ordered to off me, but I didn't have to kill any of them. I went there fully intending to kill anyone that got in my way..."

The next words that came out of my mouth weren't in my own voice. "After kidnapping Starlight and Trixie... after threatening to kill her... There was no way I could just let them live, Twilight," came the raspy voice of Rainbow Dash as I turned and met her gaze. Immediately, I brought my hooves up to my head and smacked myself a couple of times. "Gah, damn it! Harmony, Hunger, what the fuck did you two do to me!?"

She recoiled slightly, but it didn't seem like it was in response to my self-abuse or the self-recriminating . There was surprise and alarm, yes, but more than that, there was a sense of curiosity. "Anon, your eyes are..." She ran a hoof down my cheek. "They were just like Rainbow's."

I sniffled, looking down to the floor again. "I don't know why this keeps happening," I murmured. "It's bad enough I've got all this guilt, but this was happening even before Hunger transformed me... The moment I made that deal, it started happening. Even though some of it's been kinda-sorta intentional, if not compulsive, it seems like whenever I feel something particularly in line with what your friends represent... that happens."

She wrapped me in a wet, soapy embrace. "After dinner, we can talk to Thorax and Dr. Apocrita," she insisted. Hey, I know that name! "As for what punishment you'll face for your actions on your little rescue mission, that is up to the other princesses. Even then, you're likely to be subjected to a psychological evaluation beforehoof."

~ 44 ~

After drying off and returning to the room, we were left with a little time to waste. Twilight wisely didn't steer any conversations towards what had been discussed in the baths. Instead, she and Spike asked a bit about Emerald. How had we discovered she was conscious? Why had Harmony been so insistent on keeping the two of us bound? What was she like? Why had I so confidently declared her to be my little sister?

So of course, I'd answered each one in order... I explained how I'd had such a visceral reaction when I encountered Raging Storm that I had a bad panic attack and blacked out, only for Trixie to find Emerald in control. Then I explained how Harmony insisted that we couldn't just create a new body from nothing without pissing Reality off—something Hunger apparently had less qualms about—and wanted me and Emerald to simply coexist. I of course couldn't subject a child to me effectively stealing half of her life, and fell under Hunger's influence.

What was she like? Despite all of her own traumas, she could be just as bright and excitable as any other filly. She was apparently really good at sculpting—I hoped that Starlight brought the little sculpture Emerald had made when they both arrived tomorrow. Oh, and she had really good luck at Old Maid; I wasn't gonna be the one to unleash her on the gambling world if that extended to all card games, though. That was my schtick.

Why did I want her as a sister? Well, for one, I admittedly missed Laura and Sara. Then Harmony went and tied my own well-being to a filly. Just like that, my long repressed big brother instincts kicked in. I had to protect her... even from myself if it came to it. It was the right thing to do, and not just because abandoning her when I had so much now was just plain wrong. I made an oath to her. With the bond imposed on us, the memories imparted, and the dream space we now shared even after separation, I was the closest anypony would be able to get to family.

"Family... they're the ones you'd go to Tartarus and back for," I concluded. Refined Skill opened the door soon after, letting herself in. Of course, this could only mean that we were to attend dinner soon. "Protect your loved ones, no matter the cost."

"Your Highness, it is time," the maid said, confirming my thoughts. Her eyes moved from Twilight and Spike to me. "Does Lady Anonymous require any assistance getting prepared?"

I considered it for a moment. There were feasibly three choices available to me. The first being in attendance of the dinner in my new form. Despite the actions leading up to it, or the bitterness I held toward Hunger for her hand in it, I didn't hate being a changeling, nor was I ashamed to be one. Why not show everyone that I wasn't gonna let the past get in the way of my future?

The next option was to attend in my alicorn disguise. Being of the queen genotype made me, as far as changelings were concerned, a royal. So what if I hadn't a crown or a hive as of that moment? I would grow strong, and in a century I might even rival an alicorn. Why not attend in the disguise that meshed my royal bugness with my pony past?

The last option was the most appealing, however. I wasn't used to my new reflection yet, and I think seeing me as I used to be would bring a lot more ponies comfort than just myself. For that matter, in my new natural form, I had no need of the glasses I spent my own money replacing. It was fine modifying my eyes in disguises to make use of them, but I did't wanna chance fucking up my eyes in my natural form if I could help it. Why not get the most out of them?

I went with my gut, moved over to the standing mirror present in the room, and wound up applying my old appearance. A small green earth pony filly with bad eyes and discolourations in her coat and mane squinted back at me as a blue flame rolled up my body. Her mane wasn't as curly-looking as I remembered. It wasn't the perm I'd gotten at Rosie's Salon, nor was it quite like the pictures I'd seen of Pinkie with her mane straightened. It was somewhere in between my normal frizzy mess and that straight-haired look. Come to think, I think the mane discolouration looks quite nice as highlights. I shrugged, wandering over to the bedside table that someone had placed my glasses on while I slept.

"I'm ready to go," I said, initially trotting toward the door. A spark of panic raced through the folds of my brain when I realised Twilight wasn't right beside me. I knew Refined Skill and Natural talent, but I couldn't trust them to keep me safe like Twilight could; they were maids—not guards or trained battlemages so far as I knew. I patiently waited until she started moving to follow alongside. "T-this is just a casual meal, though, right?"

Neither she, Spike, nor the maid commented on the action. In fact, Spike was quick to help redirect attention while walked. "Yeah, even though you and Thorax'll be there, it's mostly just a bit of a thanks for helping fix up the castle," he said, sticking to my other side. "I'm kind of surprised you changed up your mane though—love the new look by the way. Can you just like... make your mane look however you want?"

In a flash of blue, I turned to him, my mane and tail matching Twilight's. "You tell me," I said with a half-hearted smile before reverting it back. "I bet Rarity would ki—" I froze up before sighing. "Gah! Stupid turns of phrase." Shaking my head, I looked up at the ceiling. "I bet she'd sell all her licensing rights to her work if she could just look exactly as fabulous as she wanted on a whim."

I felt Twilight and Spike both start staring at me. Even Refined Skill was peering back at us over her shoulder. It was entirely likely she was wondering when Rarity had joined us. "My eyes are blue right now, aren't they, darlings?" When all three of them nodded, I could only hide behind my mane. "I really hope Thorax or the doctor can explain what is up with that."

There was no further conversation as we made our way to the doors of the dining room. The guards to either side were a lot better about masking their feelings than all the other ponies we'd crossed earlier. Although I could feel their gazes, there was nothing behind it. There was no way they wouldn't know what I was now. I'm just thankful that they are professionals.

When the doors opened outward to grant us admittance, I saw the same table at which the banquet announcing Twilight's new school was held. At the head of the table, the same as before, both Celestia and Luna were seated. Seated on the one side were Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, a large bug pony whose appearance elicited the words 'big gay moose' and 'stag beetle' in my mind, and a smaller bug pony whose iridescent blue-green chitin reminded me of a parasitic wasp I'd read about once. Probably King Thorax and Dr. Apocrita respectively. Meanwhile, on the side of the table with open seating, there was Princess Cadance, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie.

Part of me wondered if there was symbolism in the division, or if it was just lots drawn. Even as I made my way down the steps beside Twilight, however, I felt the weight of many eyes bearing down on me. It was enough to make me stumble as I tried to reassure myself that I was safe here. It was hard though. Although all three of the princesses felt distinctly neutral, there was fear, hostility, or straight-up distrust in the air of the room. The reformed changelings seemed to be watching in interest, but I couldn't get a gauge on their emotions at all. What's with the look Twilight's giving Rarity, Dash, and AJ though?

The other thing I noticed as we drew closer to the table was that strange scent again. It seemed to be coming from ~~the big gay moose~~ Thorax. There was another scent too... similar, and yet distinct, much less powerful. It drew my eyes over to the smaller reformed changeling. Pheromones... that's what they were! The realisation hit like a freight train. What I'd been smelling in the baths, and in small traces on Spike and Twilight had been pheromone markers.

To my surprise, the stool that'd been set out for me was set between what looked to be Twilight's pillow, and Princess Cadance. Is this a test? I thought as I leapt up onto the stool. The three ponies on the other side of the table tensed, even though the pink alicorn shot me a welcoming smile. Are they worried I'm about to try and drain her? Thorax and the other bug seemed more curious than worried.

"We are glad that you could join us, Anonymous," Luna greeted, although I thought I caught something muttered by the rainbow-maned pony across from me. "Has your mind cleared any since last we spoke?"

Completely unbidden, I saw myself atop the Ponyville clock tower, starved and half-mad. Intellectually I knew it wasn't real... just the result of my mind beginning to fracture from everything I'd gone through. Shaking my head to clear my mind, I felt my ears fold back. My throat went dry and tight, as if the rope were still there. "Not really, princess," I rasped. "It still feels too real."

Both Princesses at the table's head shared a worried look, even as Twilight reached over with her wing to pat my back. For a while, I just sorta blanked as Celestia spoke to the occupants of the table... It was something about how the last week had been trying for everypony gathered—visiting changeling guests notwithstanding—and how the festival could resume now that most of the damage had been repaired. It was probably a good thing that I wasn't entirely there, because I might've pointed out that a lot of civilians might be too traumatised to attend.

Instead, I just sat still, quietly waiting for food, even as the others broke out into quiet conversations. Why are they staring at me? I wondered, keeping my gaze fixed on the table. The three across from me kept staring at me as they spoke among one another. That's when it hit; they'd been among the ones to find those two who were gonna kill me. Oh... They see me as a threat. Although others weren't staring, I could feel their concern.

When finally food was provided, however, I was thankful to be presented with something relatively simple. Even though I felt like I was starving, I wasn't entirely sure I could stomach something like fish, and the leafy greens of a salad didn't really do anything for me right then. Thus I was quite thankful to be presented a vegetable barley soup, with a cheese bun on the side.

The food was delicious as always. Although a bit on the rich side, the broth wasn't too salty, nor was there too much barley either. The bun was quite fluffy, and was quite nice dipped in the soup. The only thing that would've made it all the better was if a certain someone stopped fucking staring daggers at me. I didn't meet Rainbow's eyes, because I didn't want make things worse. That was tantamount to challenging her.

When the main course was completed, various desserts were brought out and placed in front of everyone. Many at the table were presented with either ice-cream, apple pie, or varying numbers of cup-cakes. Celestia had her cake, Luna had an eclair, and there was a flan for Cadance. There was a plate of doughnuts for Twilight and Spike to split. When it came to me, however, there was only a tall glass filled with a pink mist that seemed to swirl on its own.

"It's love, Anon," Cadance explained upon catching my confused expression. "Thorax was kind enough to teach me how to extract and concentrate it."

"We were concerned as to whether you had fed at all since your transformation," Apocrita added in. She and Thorax both had similar glasses in front of them, although theirs didn't look nearly as concentrated as mine. "Queens typically require a steady supply of love beyond what passive feeding can sustain, or else... well, you met the end result of what hunger did to us."

The king of the reformed changelings looked a bit solemn, but when he spoke, it was with a smile. "Despite everything that she did, I'm thankful for what you did for Chrysalis. What she became before she met you was not something I'd have wished upon even our enemies." When he saw that I just kept staring at the glass in front of me, he picked up his own and raised it as if in toast. "Just try it. I know you'll love it."

Hesitantly, I picked up the glass and brought it close to my face. It didn't have any sort of actual smell when I gave it a sniff, but something set off neurons in my buggy brain that just screamed the words love and feast. I flicked my tongue out to taste it, and to my surprise, it was cool and refreshing like ice-water on a hot day, yet it left a blossoming warmth in my chest that immediately reminded me of the love and affection Emerald had expressed when I came back. It was also decidedly sweet. Was that because it was Cadance's?

Before I could help myself, I leaned back and began to greedily drink. It was like everything I'd eaten every day up until that point in my life was but a hollow imitation of food. Those same bug neurons were now telling me exactly where I could get more of this life nectar, and how to do it. I quickly quashed those thoughts as soon as they surfaced, because I refused to think of Cadance, Twilight, Emerald, Starlight, or any of my friends as mere take-out.

I was so absorbed in getting every last drop of that donated love that I didn't even realise when I'd shed my transformation. One moment, I just had my muzzle stuffed into the glass, trying to lick up any residue on the inside, and the next I heard mixed gasps and 'Awws' to the accompaniment of a happy little buzzing sound. I needed more, but I wasn't about to just feed on anypony here, so this would have to do.

"Ugh, this is disgusting!" Rainbow Dash shouted, slamming her hooves on the table, rattling all the cutlery and dishes on the table. "You aren't seriously buying that this little psycho is actually Anon, are you? We should be out there looking for the real one right now!"

"Rainbow Dash, We assure you that this is Anonymous Flicker," Princess Luna admonished, using her own magic to still everything on the table before anything might fall over. "If her cutie mark isn't enough to convince you, then Our word should more than suffice."

"But..."

A strange chuckling filled the air directly above us. I was loathe to look up, because I knew that voice. Lying in the air above Twilight was a familiar Siamese-looking cat woman. She was just floating there as if she were laid out across a chaise lounge, licking the frosting off a doughnut. "No, listen to your Princess, little Loyalty," she said before taking a bite out of the pastry. "She's right after all. That is sweet, naïve little Anonymous, and I'd know, because I made her that new body."

The air in the room was so tense that you could cut it with a knife. My wings stopped buzzing and I pulled my muzzle out of the glass. With a sigh, I gave Celestia and Luna an apologetic look. "Everyone, meet Désirée, Hunger embodied and sibling to Harmony and Chaos," I said in a monotone voice. "She's the patron concept of 'true' changelings—her term, not mine—and self-proclaimed once and future Goddess of the Swarm." My ears folded back and I looked down at my stool in shame. "She used me to gain a body to physically interact with the world, and gave me this form when I was separated from Emerald as a reward."

Putting the glass back on the table, I hopped off the stool. I could feel the disappointment and confusion beginning to fill the room. The part of my brain that was still coming down from that absolute nightmare started to warn that their hate was incoming. "Thank you for the love, Cadance; it was... lovely," I whispered, giving her a quick hug. Before anyone could really say anything, I darted to the exit. Already I was scratching at the door. "I can't be in here with her, not right now."

"Yes, yes; that's fine, my adorable little queenie-bug," the incarnation of hunger purred. Clapping her empty paws together, Spike, Thorax, and Apocrita were swept over to the door on a current of sand. Only then did the doors open. "You can take the two traitors and the dragon with you." Although her glowing blue eyes were looking in our direction, they seemed to be boring into Spike, rather than me. "You take very good care of her now; I put a lot of effort into bringing my changelings back from extinction and I shan't have her life squandered because some mall-cop with delusions of grandeur has a grudge. Am I clear?"