Artemis Fowl: The Pony Files
Several months ago, before the release of the eighth Artemis Fowl book, I received an unusual recording in the mail. I returned home from school on Friday to find a suspicious box on my doorstep. I originally thought it was the Royal Wedding DVD I ordered back when the Royal Wedding episodes came out, it was the exact size, dimensions, and weight for it. It even had the package from Amazon, so after bringing it inside, I opened it up. In it was a blank DVD case, but no Royal Wedding. I was extremely surprised, because the Royal Wedding DVD was the only thing either my parents or I ordered.
Being the ADHD teenager I was, I immediately loaded it on my computer to see what files it contained. In hindsight, I REALLY should have checked the disc for viruses, just because my parents would have wanted me to. Instead, I opened the video file saved on the disc. Luckily, it had no viruses on it, or I would have been in some seriously deep shit, mostly because my USBs were both plugged into my laptop, and everything important was stored on them. Oh, and my parents would have (almost literally) killed me if I got one of my computers infected with a virus. Again.
Anyways, back on topic, the video file loaded on Windows Media Player with no problem, and with no detectable viruses running around. I also really should have read the README file first, but I was really impatient and I didn’t notice it. Typical me. It wasn’t that bad, though, because after watching the video, I read the README and all it said was, “Watch only when alone”. Lucky me.
When I played the video, I was pretty surprised. I saw the “official” Artemis Fowl logo pop up and fade away, and then I saw 7 beings standing in front of a camera, each with a headpiece. Actually, one was sitting/kneeling because of how huge he was, but you get the point. I had the impression that someone was just trying to screw with me, but it wasn’t April Fool’s Day, or was there a September Fool’s Day (from what I remember, at least), but I still thought that it was a very detailed, well-thought-out prank. After all, it had to be difficult to get make-up and armor to get lookalikes for two fairies, a centaur, a huge-ass bodyguard, mis-matched eyes, and a demon.
“Ok.” I thought, “Someone must really hate me if they spent that much money to do all of this. I just wonder who, and why. Did I brag too much when I got an 88% on that test the other day?”
A voice in my earphones brought me back to reality, and the video in front of me.
“That would be a no. No one in their right mind would spend this much money to screw with you, as you would say.” “Artemis” began to speak in his all-knowing voice, as if he could read my thoughts. “This is one hundred percent genuine, and this is really Artemis Fowl speaking to you.”
“But wouldn’t you say that anyways if you were a prank?” I replied, as if he could hear me, “And how can you prove to me that it is really you?”
“Correct. If I was a pawn in someone else’s prank to mess with you, I would say that. But both you and I very well know that you are starting to believe me now, correct?” Either the prankster was a complete and utter genius, or it really was Artemis. I, in fact, was starting to believe that this was a real recording. As crazy as it would sound, I was actually starting to believe that the secret fairy world of Artemis Fowl was real, and they were contacting me. I mean, who else is smart enough to know me so well as to know exactly how I’d respond to the unfolding events?
“If you doubt that this is really me, grab the small metal box that accompanies the DVD. Press the button on the side. You will find something that is my gift to you, and is hopefully the thing that proves my reality to you.”
I grabbed the box, and realized that it was, in fact, the C Cube. I didn’t even know that Artemis or the People even kept it, from the giant situation with Jon Spiro.
“That is the C Cube.”
Foaly whinnied in protest, probably peeved that Artemis was implying (at the time of the recording) that he would give away the C Cube to someone they haven’t even met, and I finally realized just how still the others were standing. They seemed completely out of character, but obviously Artemis wanted them still for a reason. Probably because he wanted to do all the talking.
“Foaly, I am only doing this to gain his trust.” Artemis turned his head towards the centaur, who seemed to have trouble keeping his temper in check, “I imagine that receiving a strange box in the mail that contains a video with supposedly fictional characters will cause even you to be a little suspicious, would you not say? Assuming you didn’t have surveillance all over Haven and Atlantis, and you did not get everything sent to you triple-checked for mind control devices.”
Foaly glared at Artemis, positively seething. Artemis does seem to have effect on people… and fairies… and centaurs… well, everyone. Foaly was about to say something in response, probably about the validity of aliens and mind control, but Artemis cut in.
“Exactly. As I said once before, that is the C Cube. Please take care of it and keep it hidden or we will be forced to take anything you own that could trigger residual memories, keep the surveillance on your house, and mind-wipe you so that you forget all about us.” Being Artemis, he said all of this as though it was just daily conversation with a friend, instead of talking to a complete stranger through a pre-recorded message. But one thing stuck out for me.
“Wait a second. Keep the surveillance on my house? Doesn’t that mean that you already have it…?” I violently introduce the palm of my hand with my face. “Crap. You’ve been watching me for a while now, haven’t you? How long and why?”
Artemis chuckled, “Yes, I do have bugs situated inside and around your household. They have been in place for exactly 3 months, 1 week, 5 days, and 6 hours. For you, it would be, I am assuming, 6 days and 4 hours. Give or take an hour or two.”
Holly and No.1 turned to look at Artemis, as if to ask “How does he know so precisely?” but they caught each others’ glances and turned away, as if to say, “Right. Child genius.”
“The surveillance has been in place to study your personality, knowledge, and is the reason why I know your reactions to everything.” I’m about to ask whether or not I actually react that predictably, but Artemis cuts me off and answers before I even get a chance to respond. “Correct. You do respond that predictably.”
“The purpose for installing the surveillance system in the first place was a… test, as you would call it. A way for the seven of us to understand whether or not you were eligible and could do the task assigned to you.” I honestly saw no reason for doing everything so secretly, but I supposed that there must have been a good reason for it. Otherwise, stuff would break.
Suddenly, a small fairy sitting down on a chair, one I didn’t recognize, spoke up. I guessed that the headpieces were translators, similar to the ones used back before the Arctic Incident.
“You may recognize me as Dr. Jerbal Argon, the fairy responsible for the Artemis Fowl series of books? Yes, I actually was the one to write them, and Eoin Colfer was just my puppet so I could release our Arty’s adventures to the public eye but still make it look fictional.” Dr. Argon suddenly looked down at a piece of sim-paper he was holding, reading his script.
“Hmmm… Yes. You have been chosen for a very special task. Congratulations!” At this, all of the cardboard statues came to life and began to clap. Rather lifelessly, if you ask me, as if they already did this a hundred times already (which they probably already had). “You appear to be the most suitable candidate for this task.” He looks back down at the sim-paper, muttering for a few seconds. “You were chosen out of thousands of candidates for this task. You see, Foaly curing Artemis of his Complex wasn’t Foaly’s doing. Wholly, of course.”
I was starting to get impatient, and I wanted to fast-forward the DVD. However, I was also quite intrigued. What did he mean by curing Artemis of the Complex? And what did he mean by that? The eighth book wasn’t even out yet, and I had no idea about Artemis’ condition. So I watched on, because it appeared he would finish in a minute or two. Nevertheless, I was ADHD and I was getting quite bored.
“Artemis, with the help of the five friends sitting behind me, journeyed into Equestria, a land I hear you’re very familiar with?”
At this, I instantly perk up. A look into my thoughts at that moment would have probably yielded, “holycraphewenttoequestriaandmetponiesponyponyponyponyholycrapponyponysodamnlucky”. In other words, I was quite excited.
“Because you are a rather avid fan of the ponyverse and Artemis’ adventures, and because of your interesting personality, you were chosen as the delegate for this story. After all, Eoin Colfer would have to clean up quite a bit of toilet paper off of his house if he mentioned ponies in this way.. After studying the surveillance footage, you seem to be one of the only ones who are so involved in the pony fandom.” It was quite obvious how he didn’t use the term “brony” to describe the pony fandom. I’m guessing Artemis either didn’t know or refrained from mentioning it. I suspected the latter. After all, Artemis knows everything.
“Your task is the following. As soon as we get the story out of these six, you will receive a script in the mail with the latest “chapter” in Artemis’ escapade with the ponies. Anyways, you are to translate the story from Gnommish, with the decoder provided and post up the story on the “internet”. I don’t really care where, or even why Artemis and Holly want me to do this, but they just want to tell others about their adventures. I don’t know what happened to “keep the People safe from humans”, but apparently your little fandom is safe.”
Argon shrugs a little, but I too was curious. Why did they release the stories under Eoin Colfer’s name? Why didn’t they just give out the story themselves? I didn’t care how, but I was determined to get answers and learn more, because that was the kind of curious idiot I was.
The video stopped, and I popped it out of my DVD drive. Then I promptly cut it in half, broke it into a bunch of pieces, and buried it in my backyard, just to keep the secret of the People.
As I walked back inside, I was wondering quite a lot of stuff.
When did this happen?
How did they get into Equestria in the first place?
What did they do there?
Why me?
I had a strange feeling that most of these questions would be answered in almost no time at all… Except the last one.
Artemis Fowl: The Pony Files
Excerpt from Dr. Jerbal Argon’s journal, XX of XXXXXXXXX, 20XX
Ever since Artemis Fowl the Second made his miraculous recovery from Atlantis Complex, a mental condition which subjected the affected with paranoia, OCD, and multiple personality disorder, among other symptoms. After a month in Foaly and my care, and another with Foaly alone, Artemis seems to have recovered from the Atlantis Complex, in record time! When he came back with his friends from Foaly’s hooves, Artemis seems to have not only recovered, but improved! His personality and outlook on life seemed brighter and nicer! At first I thought that his recovery was only due to his being a human, despite the difficulties in my first (and only) month of research and study. and his sunny (well, sunnier) demeanor was a side effect of the Complex releasing its hold on Artemis’ brain. Little did I know exactly what Foaly, Holly, Minerva, No. 1, Butler, and Qwan were doing to help Artemis, and why it was so secretive.
I had my suspicions, with everyone but Qwan disappearing completely from Haven, Atlantis, and the Surface, and Qwan came out only for the occasional meal. I did receive a letter from Foaly, though. Half-way through the “recovery period”, I received a note from Foaly instructing me to ignore their disappearance, to stop trying to meddle, and to notify Commander Trouble Kelp and Angeline Fowl that “Artemis’ recovery is coming along very nicely. He should be back to his regular self soon”, and to tell Gaspard Paradizo that “his daughter is working on a project with the Fowls”. The letter was slightly torn in numerous places, adding to the suspicion, but I believed that Foaly had everything in control.
However, my suspicions arose once again when Artemis’ healing was complete. When the seven of them walked out of the room, I could tell something was amiss. None of them seemed tired or weak from the month in “solitude”. In fact, they all seemed like they got stronger, both mentally and physically. One thing stuck out in my mind, though. Artemis and Minerva seemed so awkward around each other, like something had happened but they didn’t want anybody to find out.
I tried my best to find out what had happened to the six (save Qwan), but I had no luck. Obviously this “project” of theirs was strictly confidential. This motivated me even more to find out. Finally, I asked the man (or is it centaur) himself, Foaly. After days of badgering, Foaly relented. This is the truth behind what had happened to Artemis Fowl during those five months. These are…The Pony Files.